Friday, December 31, 2010

TEC Podcast: *Bonus* Episode 19: All In The Family

Well, apparently 2010 has come to a close and to celebrate, I bring a very special bonus New Year's Eve mini-episode (recorded on Christmas Eve) rounding out our "Horrible Holidays" block with possibly the worst piece of shit of them all, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER (see the trailer below) from glorious 1992.  This one "stars" a super bloated Mickey Rooney, a robotic perverted Pinocchio and a bunch of killer toys!

My super special guests on this bonus episode (who thankfully had enough wine to get through it) are two member of my ACTUAL family.  As in my real life older blood sister Amanda and my real life birth mother Lyn!  Not only are they patient as hell for participating in "my little radio show" with me, they're funny as well.  I'm not sure how much more to sell this one other than my Mom raps about perverted robot teenage dolls.  Seriously.  This one is a must-hear.


*You can download this and all TEC Podcast episodes from our Podbean site here or find us on iTunes.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 18: Christmas Comes All Over Our Face!

 For Episode 18, we had a couple firsts on the podcast.  First, we watched our most recent movie yet, the fun for the whole family, 2005's SANTA'S SLAY starring ex-(I guess) WWF or WWE or whatever wrestler Goldberg and a cast of D-list ex-sitcom whoevers.  Second, we enjoyed the fuck out of this movie!  Santa (Goldberg) is actually the son of Satan and after losing a bet with an angel, he was forced to stopped murdering people every December 25th (once known as the Day of Slaying) for 1,000 years and had to instead bring joy and gifts and stuff.  in 2005, the 1,000 years are over and Santa goes on a ass-kicking, pile-driving, bloody rampage!  Only some teenage couple in a small Canadian town can stop him ( but don't worry, they suck at it for most of the movie).

My guests for this steroid-fueled episode are returning guest, comedian Danielle Radford and brand new guest, comedian Ross Parsons!  Together we discuss myself and Danielle's unexpected Goldberg hard-ons, awkward holiday gifts from family, the arduous task of Pokemon training, Ross' fears of Santa rape, push comedy metaphors to the limit and of course the awesome fucking movie that is, SANTA'S SLAY (check out the trailer below)!

*You can download this and all podcast episodes from our Podbean site or find us on iTunes!

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library *Horrible Holidays Edish*

By technicality, this is neither a film nor a "horror" movie per se, but I have to include this for this simple fact that this thing is in fact filmed and will in fact terrify you.  In 1994, the geniuses behind The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Christmas Special (I think) and other boring/horrifying bullshit got together and said, "Hey, is it just me, or are the turtles green?"  "Yes," replied one of Satan's minions.  "Who here doesn't smell a Christmas special?"  Yes.  It's 1994's WE WISH YOU A TURTLE CHRISTMAS, the live-action thirty minute Christmas special created with a couple of retarded kids, a shitty set and a bunch of low paid actors in FRIGHTENING prosthetic suits with giant heads. 

Never before has it been more apparent that turtles don't have teeth and Splinter is a GIANT rat.  Somehow the cartoons nor the films nailed these facts into my brain as crystal clear as this video.  Each spine-chilling thirty minutes of this shit-fest includes Christmas songs re-worked to include pizza references and fake Jamaican accents, glassy-eyed idiot children with fake dirt smeared on their face and of course a rap...about wrapping presents (see the video below).  *Shiver*  Though this only came out on VHS and is no longer available other than on Ebay, luckily some masochist uploaded the entire thing in parts on YouTube.  I'm serious.  Watch at your own risk and sweet Jesus, be sure you're sober first.

Monday, December 27, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 17: You Can't Destroy Me!

It's a psychic/samurai/slasher for "Horrible Holidays" Episode 17!  Possibly one of the worst movies I've graced my guests with so far, 1982's BLOODBEAT starring a glowing samurai psychic ghost, a bunch of faux French rednecks and a Christmas tree in a couple of scenes.  A dude brings his hyper emotional/shy/secret slut girlfriend Sarah home to his parents cabin for the holidays and unfortunately for her, his family and his penis, a poltergeist in the form of a killer samurai decides to spread some yuletide fear!  Yeah. I'm still confused.

"Must. Not. Beef."
My guests who attempt to help me figure out this Christmas crap-fest are comedians and returning guests, Derek Sheen (host of the Delicious Mediocrity Podcast) and Emmett Montgomery (co-founder of The People's Republic of Komedy)! Also along for this beer and chip-fueled ride is brand new guest, comedian Yogi Paliwal (host of the Player's Room Podcast)! Together we discuss fat camp, French-fried hillbillies, violent masturbation and laser revenge all culminating in one guest's genuine freak out and our very first podcast walkout (not inspired by the movie)!

*You can download this all all TEC Podcast Episodes from our Podbean site here or find us on iTunes!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

This movie has pretty much got everything going for it.  It's the fifth installment in a straight-to-video horror/holiday series, special effects were done by the dude who did the special effects from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4 and it stars Mickey Rooney.  How could this not be a Christmas miracle!

Suggested Shit For The Week

Even better than a B-Movie trailer, it's a "Horrible Holidays" X-mas short film about the unknown told story of the annual raping/pillaging of pine trees and the time they decided to take back the night.  It's 2008's, The Secret Life of Trees TREEVENGE and it's fucking amazing!  Happy Horrordays Enemaniacs!

Nevermind, Rewind Movie Of The Week

This movie came out of a suggestion from a customer at the video store I work at.  That by itself isn't very convincing to me usually, but this guy seemed to have a decent general knowledge of horror movies and went on for awhile in detail how "surprisingly good" the movie turned out to be.  The minute I got this turd home and it started running on my DVD player, I was very aware that this customer was most likely some alien in a person-like meat suit filled with bullshit and lies and/or a human man who goes around video stores and suggests the shot-on-video "movie" his cousin made.  2006's TWO FRONT TEETH promises to be about a vampiric Santa Claus (Clausferatu) who has gone rogue, is attacking some small town with an army of elf zombies and the only one who can save the day is a trash journalist that has been raving about such Christmas conspiracy from the beginning.  What ACTUALLY happens is the marital problems of a neurotic plastic-faced rag writer and his wife (what's the deal with straight to video actresses from the 2000's always being plain-faced white ladies with highlights and rum raisin lipstick BTW?) who is getting banged by some other dude she works with at "X-Mart" and some pointy-eared, devil-faced gimps that bite people.  Or at least that's as far as I got. 

This movie suffers from a lot of the bullshit that most straight-to-DVD movies from the late 90's and general 2000's have.  It TRIES to be shitty.  Listen, when you already have a piss poor budget, one set and four actors who are clearly just your friends, your movie is already SHITTY.  You don't have to try to make shitty happen where shitty is born.  I'm all for not taking your movie seriously, but if you don't have enough money to make computer generated gun shots, than DON'T.  Just use fake blood and prosthetics like everyone else.  It looks better and there is a lovable/laughable aspect of honest attempts at good when turd is all that can be achieved.

That general statement to HD-Camera owners everywhere aside, the big mistake of this movie that made me hate it from the start is that it shows the elf/gimp/vampire people (which is clearly where any budget money went other than accessories from Claire's Boutique) are shown in the opening credits and then constantly there after.  Did you assholes never see Jaws or anything ever with monsters or creepy things as the antagonist?  Basically this shit fest blew it's load all over my face in the first five minutes and rather than hand me a sock or something, it just expected for me to sit there and let it dry.  No thanks TWO FRONT TEETH, I'm a lady.  Sorry.  I've never been very good with analogies.   

Friday, December 17, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 16: Santa Said Oral

After a brief Thanksgiving holiday hiatus, The Enematic Cinematic Podcast is back with Episode 16!  This is the first episode in my December "Horrible Holidays" block with the horror holiday film, 1989's ELVES, starring Grizzly Adams Dan Haggerty and rubber puppets whose mouths never close!  A disgraced former detective and recovering alcoholic (Dan Haggerty) is forced to take a job as a mall Santa to pay his trailer park rent and in the process discovers a secret experimental breeding conspiracy involving the cute teenaged main character girl that works at the mall, elves, an old crippled German and Nazis!  Will Grizzly Adams be able to stop Nazi's little helpers before Tiffany Stacey Kirsten is sperminated?  Probably.

My guests this holiday fun and Nazi-laden episode are adorable comedians Jessica Strauss (who I thought would never speak to me again after making her watch El Muerto in Episode 7) and brand new guest, comedian Barbara Holm!  Together we discuss the complications of incest, the true meaning of the biblical story of Noah and his arc, the plague of public displays of affection and of course, the serious burn on Jews that Nazis considered Elves superior.  Sick burn!

You can download this and all TEC Podcast episodes for free from podbean site here or find us on iTunes.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Creepy Santa Pic Of The Week

Q. The only thing that makes this picture not completely frightening is:

A.) The 80's

B.) Cartoons

C.) That turns out, my sister and I are still alive and remain unraped. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

B-movie Trailer of the Day!

One of my FAVORITE horror holiday movies, 1996's JACK FROST!  This is what that creepy bullshit with Batman Beetlejuice Michael Keaton should have been.

TEC's Horrible Holidays

The holidays are upon us Enemaniacs and to commiserate celebrate I've decided to have a "Horrible Holidays" theme for the month of December!  This means, all B-movie trailers, reviews, Suggested Shit, Home Video Turds and so on and so forth will be holiday horror movie themed (which is different from our usual theme, sort of)!  So horror fans of the blog delight and other people, sorry (but not really).  Not only does this stand for the all blog entries, but for the podcast as well.  After a holiday (the last one) inspired hiatus, new episodes will be back up starting in two days!  The first "Horrible Holiday" TEC Podcast will feature the underrated-crippled Nazi-incest-occult-killer elf-80's-holiday-fun fest, 1989's ELVES starring Grizzly Adams Dan Haggerty and an exciting cast of other people including some poorly made rubber puppets and the aforementioned Nazi in a wheelchair!  My guests on this episode will be elf-like (in adorableness and enjoyment of cookies) rays of sunshine/comedians Jessica Strauss and Barbara Holm!  You can check out the trailer for ELVES below.