|"Can you play Tears for Fears?"|
Even though I'm generally occupied with beer, string cheese and a stack of whatever bad movies had "apocalypse" in the description that day, I find the time to be aware of how shitty the current American economy is. Pabst Blue Ribbon should never cost more than $8 for a six pack. Anarchy! Anyways, I may not have a T.V. box, but I do ride the bus which has been re-routed several times due to the current Occupy Seattle movement.
|"ZOMG! Sale at Mr. Rags you guys!"|
I completely agree with the politics of the movement, but pooping in a bush and listening to bongo drums in the rain really isn't my deal, so to do our part here at TEC, in the spirit of taking down evil corporations and criticizing mass consumerism during the holiday season (unless you are consuming mass amounts of PBR and string cheese), I give you my list of the best of the worst horror movies involving mall murder and department store death! Okay, so the criticism on consumerism here is pretty poorly conceived, we're not talking Dawn of the Dead metaphors, but it's basically the idea with just more boobs! So break out your pepper spray and let's shop till we drop...our corporate bank accounts in favor of local credit unions!!! Fuck yeah!
5. THE INITIATION (1984)
B-Movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Vapid, spoiled, rich sorority girls are mall murdered
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 4 out of 10
Kelly Fairchild (metaphor!) is a wimpy emotional rich girl. She is portrayed by actress/Druish Princess/Melrose Place resident Daphne Zuniga. These are all parts of this film's plot. I think. Anyhow, Kelly has this weird fear of seeing people catch on fire due to this persistent nightmare she has been having since childhood of seeing a guy (who might be her birth father) on fire and possibly burn to death. This dream is portrayed in a dream sequence shown several time throughout the film in order to helpfully remind us she is a crazy person.
Since Kelly is already socially stunted due to these crippling burning man night terrors, she decides to head off to college and pledge a sorority. In case you don't know, sorority girls are bitches. Or at least that's the general rule of movies involving sorority girls. It might seem odd that a bunch of women that hate other women would choose to live in houses full of women, but you're going to have to remember that the key to great film fantasies like this is to suspend all disbelief. I think.
|Even when written in murder blood,|
turn out Kelly is still not a menacing name.
|"Omigod, Teresa, you spaz! What did I say|
about borrowing stuff from my room!"
4. NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)
B-Movie Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy
Criticism on Consumerism: Southern California, the land of fake boobs, movie magic and asshole celebrities, is destroyed by a passing comet which turns the population into dust or slowly dying brain dead zombies.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 6 out of 10
Regina "Reggie" Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) is a disillusioned twenty something whose life consists of working at a small movie theater, boning her mediocre boyfriend, dealing with her teenage little sister and maintaining the top score on the arcade game Tempest. Everyone in the city is gearing up to watch the passing of a famed comet with the hopes of having something to do or being amazed by flashing lights or whatever. Reggie remains uninterested. The night of the comet (HEYO) she discovers that her Tempest score has been usurped by some dick fart with the initials, "DMK." Feeling as though her life has obviously lost all of it's true meaning, she decides to have a "I just want to forget" fuck in the projection booth at work with her boyfriend. Luckily for her, the steel lined walls protect these two horny kids from the unpredicted zombie radiation of the incoming passing comet.
|"So, do you think ALF is like, cancelled now?"|
|Sam reflects on the untimely passing of her parents.|
3. HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988)
B-movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Misunderstood cross-dressing ex-con/crazy person and furniture store employee hunts down spoiled teenagers who break into the store to spend a night partying and boning.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 8 out of 10
Let's say it's 1988. Leave out your past regrets, I'm just setting a scene. You and your white attractive (this word was more loosely applied in the 80's so it's okay) friends want to celebrate your upcoming high school graduation. What do you think? Cabo? Palm Beach? Six Flags? If you thought of any of these things, you are NOT concentrating on 1988 like I totally just TOLD you to DO! GAWD!!!! Anyway, why do something as gay as roller coasters or sandy beaches when you can break into your friend's dad's furniture store for a night and party?!?
|"I call the bunk bed!"|
That's right. Endless beds and beer? Um, yes! You mean my best friend and I can lose our virginity in adjacent beds in the same room while our unattached friends stand by in awkward silence? Awesome! I hope we can give birth to our first children this way! So as I just made clear, a group of wacky teens decide to do just that and break into one of their dad's furniture store to spend graduation night. While some of them wrestle with their moral upbringings in deciding whether or not the stage is set and the lights are right to finally become a woman, the rest of them just fuck each other.
|Dear LGBT community,|
2. PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1989)
B-Movie Genre: Horror/Comedy/Romance
Criticism on Consumerism: Local Mayor is bought off by corporate giant who burns down a young man's house when he refuses to sell in order to build a giant mall on the property. Dicks.
Mall Madness Score: 9 out of 10
One time, in a year far far away, someone that was French wrote a novel called Phantom of the Opera or the French equivalent anyway. It tells the romantic story of a disfigured composer who stalks a young opera singer and tries to woo her with murders and kidnapping. Or is that the musical? Or the movie? Or, who cares? Well anyways, PHANTOM OF THE MALL: (spoiler alert) ERIC'S REVENGE is similar in the way that he wears the half mask, is disfigured and get's creepy with a non-disfigured girl. Eric (Derek Rydall) is a young and hunky house owner dating young and girl hunky Melody (Kari Whitman). A corporate honcho has been pressuring him to sell his property so he can tear down Eric's house and build a gigantor mall. Eric, knowing how hard it must be to find cheap housing in the Valley, refuses, thus setting in motion his path to disfigurement and phantoming. The corporate big wig sends a thug out to Eric's place to set it on fire. Unfortunately, Eric and Melody are inside at the time involved in romantic coitus. As the fire envelopes the house, Eric risks his life to save Melody's, pushing her out of a window as the house falls on top of him.
|"Nobody murders in my mall|
I built on murder. Nobody!"
|Pauly Shore works hard to pay off|
all he owes for nugs, weezin and grindage.
|Mayor Karen decides to STICK around!|
Ha! God, I'm funny.
1. CHOPPING MALL (1986)
B-Movie Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi
Criticism on Cosumerism: State of the art robots placed in the local mall for security purposes go rogue and murder sex-having teenagers.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 10 out of 10!!!
For B-movie lovers, this is the most obvious go-to non-shocking pick for #1 mall-related horror films. Though it was an easy choice, tt simply can't be topped. CHOPPING MALL is the Holy Grail of all bad mall murder! Starring Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class) and Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their roles from Eating Raoul! Plus, killer robots!
Okay, so if you don't know, CHOPPING MALL tells the story of four teenage couples who decide to stay after hours in the furniture store some of them work at in the Park Plaza Mall for what else...a night of beds and beer! Unfortunately for their as yet unlasered butts and unblown up heads, the mall has just installed a new (painfully 80's) state of the art security system involving futuristic robot guards (who laser butts and blow up heads)!
|"You dickweed! You totally messed up my hair!"|