Tuesday, August 31, 2010

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

I remember loving this movie as a kid.  Also, I am almost always for movies being made based solely on the premise of a song.  I'm still waiting for Splish Splash and Pappa-Omm-Mow-Mow to work their way out of development hell.  It's 1988's One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying The Purple People Eater starring a possibly closeted Doogie Howser Neil Patrick Harris and Dirty San-Screech Dustin DiamondPlus, a slew of supporting stars such as Chubby Checker, Kareem Abdul Jabar and Little Richard.  The film pretty much follows the exact lyrics of the song.  A one-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people eater comes down to planet Earth because he wants to "...get a job in a rock n' roll band."  He can even play his own horn, that one on his head.  Good thing Billy (Neil Patrick Harris) is a member of a fledgling child's rock band called, something.  Not only does the purple people eater help Billy learn to rock, but with the help of the new band, Billy's family can finally pay the greedy landlord and not be evicted!  I know, right?  Thankfully, this film is avaiable in parts on YouTube so you have no excuse to avoid it's retarded brillance.  None!

Monday, August 30, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 5: Fuck You, Josh Dealy!

It's Episode 5 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast!  On this epic episode, I give you a brand new turd viewing brought to me by suggestion of 1984's Scream For Help, directed by the visionary visionary behind Death Wish 1-3, Michael Winner!  That's three different times Charles Bronson unnecessarily shot minorities and sometimes white people and all thanks to this man (and possibly Republicans and guns)!  Unfortunately, nothing really explodes in this film unless you count the teenage hymens, but don't worry, thankfully the carnage and gore is just as graphic.  With me on this legendary episode our my visionary guests behind The Entertainment Show, One Night Only, The Adventure Buddies Series and laughter itself, comedians/filmmakers/action stars/"The Stranager" honorable "Genius Award" mentions and creators of some of the best jokes in fake British accents you'll ever hear, Kevin Clarke and Travis Vogt!  Legs are broken, lights come on, hip hop history is made and creepy special shout outs to TEC listeners Corbett and Jeff happen!  Also, we manage to work some Ninja Turtle nightmares in there.  Just listen!


Friday, August 27, 2010

Demon Wind (1990)
Dir. Charles Philip Moore
Genre: Horror

Satan has the farts you guys!

This is genius! The entire plot is the tagline!
Before you get excited about this, I have one major spoiler I should put out there...there are NO demons farting in this film.  NONE.  I know, right?  I too was misled.  Disappointment of lack of killer demonic beefs aside, this film is actually fairly good as far as shitty movies go.  Well, it's good for the first thirty minutes anyway.  After that it's a lot of yelling at the screen and hoping everyone dies.  If you're me.  Written and directed by Charles Philip Moore, the visionary behind straight-to-video turds such as 1994's Angel of Destruction and 1992's Dance With Death, Demon Wind seems to have strayed from Moore's later busty and blond film-making formula.  In fact, there are actually no attractive women in this film.  Okay, they're not ugly or anything (except for one man-faced one), but there is no constant cleavage (although we do get some demon boobage) and definitely no girls pole dancing on revolver barrels or pole dancing at all.  Maybe Demon Wind came before his divorce from that bitchy blond he married (allegedly), you know, when he still respected women and all (allegedly). 

The story is as follows, twenty-something Cory (Eric Larson) reconnects with his old drunk of a father only to find him still babbling on about the devil and zombie demons that killed Cory's grandparents years ago...blah, blah, blah.  After their awkward encounter, the old man kills himself perhaps out of shame or boredom.  Cory then drags his girlfriend and a shit ton of his couple friends out to his grandparents old farm in butt fuck nowheresville, Idaho (state undetermined) to find out if everything his dad talked about is true.  Eventually he learns his grandparents dabbled in a little bit of witchcraft here and evil sorcery there and somehow this all came back to burn them, literally.  Check out the trailer below.

"Oh...awkward...I didn't know you guys were stopping by."
The film actually starts out pretty promising with a rather unnerving opening credit sequence.  It's supposed to be in the past I'm assuming in the 1900's sometime. The camera slowly zooms in on a fiery cross in the distance.  Up close and it get's up close, you see what looks like an actual burning body nailed to the cross.  Yeah, holy shit.  After a uncomfortably long shot of this, we enter the old cabin behind the cross and the camera starts spanning around showing old timey family photos juxtaposed with portraits of Jesus.  There are a million candles burning all over the place and an old gospel song softly playing in the background, the chorus of which is "...are you bathed in the blood of the lamb?" sung by an out of tune soft spoken young girl.  Yeah.  It's pretty fucking creepy.  Then suddenly an old woman rushes inside, barring the door and begins praying.  It gets quiet and then creepy demonic Linda Blair voices are heard from outside asking her to open the door and let them in.  Also fucking creepy.  Her husband enters the room and she feels she is finally safe, but of course as soon as he turns around he starts puking tapioca and alka-seltzer out the mouth which can only mean, you guessed it, demonic possession!  A loud demon wind, broken glass, screaming and furniture flying later, we cut to the present day if the present day was 1990 and begin the less interesting, more frustrating story of dumb shit Cory and his band of dumb shits.  If you want to see the first part and judge for yourself, check out the clip below (the entire thing is available in parts on YouTube here, just like most great cinematic achievements).

Unimportantly Unfortunately, there are no real actors of note in this film.  Not even notable character actors.  Most of the cast went on to star in various Skinemax style soft-core cable porn erotica.  Blond-haired Bobby Johnston who plays Cory's douchey frat friend Dell went on to co-star in such cable cock teases as Erotic Confessions, Talk Sex, Passions Peak and my personal favorite, Sex Files: Pleasureville.  Naughty.  Richard Gabai who plays another friend, Willy, went on to co-star in Sexual Roulette and Thirteen Erotic Ghosts.  The only important piece of information I should share is there is a really good excuse as to why the character of Bonnie, played by man fresh faced Sherry Leigh has a man face.  Well, at least a close to good excuse after you know, her actually being a man.  She is actually a stunt double/performer which is possibly why her chin is so chiny, you know to help her face brace for pavement and things.  Most of her Hollywood experience post Demon Wind was stunt work other than the occasional biker woman extra part.

Although as previously stated, the film starts out with some actual B-Movie horror promise, it quickly begins to spiral into frustrating what the fuck plot holes and unexplained obnoxious fails by the cast of characters as well as the film's writers.  After the first thirty minutes or so, myself and fellow B-Movie viewing buddy were just screaming at the screen.  Seriously, at some point you just can't wait for all these assholes to die.  Since the infuriating mistakes and unexplained phenomenon are too much to tally, I'll break it down for you like so.

Countless Anonymous Couple Friends

"Hey Cory, thanks for the invite bro!"
Apparently Cory only makes friends in twos.  That is, either every single one of his douchey friends happen to be dating a ditsy dame or he only befriends people in pacts.  Maybe it's safer that way.  From the beginning we get the impression that Cory and his girlfriend Elaine are taking this backwoods nostalgic journey together, then all of sudden when weird shit starts going down in the abandoned diner (who knew?) at least three different couples start filing in and talking about the trip they're all going on.  Then, at least two different couples show up in cars at Cory's grandparents' demon lair farmhouse later on in the film including one that shows up after all the demon farts demons have been unleashed.  How many fucking couples did he invite to this thing and how could so many people have nothing better to do?  I should also mention that due to Satan's immeasurable power and knowledge of modern mechanics, every car engine dies near the premises once they are turned off.  This is important because when the last couple shows up after the group realizes the shit they're in, they all run out and scream very clearly to the arriving couple "...don't turn the car off!"  Of course, Willy and Missus Willy are too busy butt-rocking out to some Duran Duran to understand them and instead turn off the engine.  Damnit!  This means this movie isn't over! 

Chuck the Karate-Kicking Magician 

"Hey ladies, wanna see my boner disappear?"
For some reason, there is this unexplained unnecessary scene involving one of the couples (okay, so it's supposedly two heterosexual dudes which is only implied because one of them is the ex of some other chick on the trip) that drive up with the aforementioned ex-boyfriend, Chuck, standing upright in their jeep in a cloak and puffy white shirt.  No, he isn't a boringly dressed vampire which would have been something, he's a fledgling magician.  At first he does little tricks where he pulls flowers out of his butthole sleeve and some other things and then Dell, the douchey frat character, gets rather annoyed at all the attention the magician is giving Dell's lady (who dated magician Chuck in perhaps a previous film).  Dell throws a beer can at Chuck who then, in a five minute long slow motion sequence, slowing karate kicks the can into the air and then kicks it again.  It's seriously like five to seven minutes long.  It's one of a few shots that make me question whether or not this film was originally intended to be in 3-D.  The clencher in this scene is Dell's reaction which is to shout, "...I'll shove that karate shit up your ass!"  Chuck the magician responds by blowing a dove into his face.  Touche.       

The Haunted House With No Walls

Why even bother going through the door?
Once Cory's entourage arrives at his grandparent's old farm, they realize the place is totally destroyed by the fire his father told him about. In fact, there is no real house or barn left, just a doorway to each surrounded by charred rubble. Of course, the cross in the yard with the now flesh-free skeleton hangs as if it were just 1931 yesterday. Though Cory and his friends are intrigued by the crucified skeleton, none of them seem too alarmed by it and in no way have their spirits dampened by the creepy fucking experience. Either these people are incredibly stupid or absolutely hollow as far as human beings go. It's undetermined. Anyhow, eventually Cory decides to check out the rubble that was his grandparents house. He walks through the doorway and is suddenly in a fully restored, furniture and walls in tact farmhouse. WTF? First you assume, well this is obviously the devil's work and you wait for the group to freak out. Thing is, they don't. In fact, they NEVER say a goddamn thing about this weird shit until the very end of the film when most of them are dead and someone suggests going in the barn because they've been hiding out in the no walls house the entire time. The no walls house that the demons fight to get into. Yeah. When someone suggests the barn, Elaine says "...maybe it will have the same spell as the house." That's it. The only acknowledgment of this fact at all. And the answer is yes by the way, the no walls barns magically has walls.   

The Burning Bonnie Doll

Somewhere around the time all of their cars won't start and the rubble is magically a house, man-faced Bonnie wises up that something is amiss.  She turns to her boyfriend Jack and says, "...If I die.  Promise you won't bury me here."  Jack reacts pretty nonchalantly to this chilling comment and promises in a mumble.  The group then decides to try and walk back to town.  On their way, they are bum rushed by a thick fog which somehow takes them all back to the farmhouse again.  No one seems that worried.  Seconds later, two young girls in dated pilgrimesque nightgowns show up and speak in demonic voices telling them they can't leave.  Once again, no one really freaks out.  Except for Bonnie who is suddenly grabbed by one of the girls and after a poof of smoke and fire, she is reduced to a burnt baby doll whom Jack picks up, still not really affected.  The doll then creepily states in burnt baby voice, "...you lied."  Jack then of course throws the doll on the ground and everyone seems unaffected.  The more frustrating character reaction in this scene is when some of the friends begin to WONDER whether they should continue to attempt to leave.  One of the girls even says, "...I think something tried to kill us back there."  Tried!  Hey, assholes, remember that time one of you is totally fucking dead?!?  There is no try when there is completion!  Then our hero Cory replies, "...I think they're just trying to warn us away."  WHAT?  Can anyone smell burning plastic?  That's one of your friends and for one of you, that chick you've been fucking!  Hello! 
Killer Demon Daggers of Magic

At some point, once the group is holed up in the house waiting for...something, Cory and Elaine began exploring the burnt rubble the place.  Cory eventually finds an old book with journal entries from his grandmother describing she and her husband coming to the area to settle with a missionary whom they later learned was really a satanist.  Many of the parishioners continued to practice his witchcraft and shit, but at some point everything went belly up and she and her husband were fighting off a demon horde.  Cory also finds two BBQ skewers demon daggers which the book describes as being part of a magical set, the only thing that can slay the demon wind demon.  Once demons hit the fan and start picking off people, Cory neglects to tell anyone he has the daggers, even when Elaine insists they should.  In fact, Cory neglects to use the daggers to kill any actual demons until the mid-climax.  He then promptly leaves it on the ground and makes no attempt to go back and get the only weapon that could possibly save their lives and eternal souls or whatever.  Fuck.
Epic Boyfriend FAILS

"I should've been a lesbian."
Constantly throughout this film, every single male character does absolute shit when they could have saved their girlfriend's lives.  They also often ditch them when the demoning gets rough as well as seem completely unaffected when they are either in peril or actually die.  In fact, surprisingly, the only dude that seems to care is douchey Dell.  When his short term girlfriend, Teri is demon possessed and then kills him through eyeball impalement, he actually says to her as he falls to the ground, "...I loved you."  This uncomfortable intimate moment is thankfully broken up by the possessed girlfriend in her witchy-poo squeally voice responding with, "...I loved you too" and then high-pitched demon laughter.

The Lack of Any and All Actual Demon Wind

Not all films actually deliver what is in the title.  Look at Big Trouble in Little China for instance...oh, wait...okay, or Dirty Dancing...wait, nevermind...well, or Evil Dead...oh, yeah...actually, there absolutely should have been a fucking demon wind in Demon Wind.  There are a few possibilities as to what the writers/movie makers may have intended to represent the demon wind.  

"Hey neighbor, can we borrow a cup of person?"
There is one story an old man tells in the beginning about a wind coming across the farmlands and burning all the livestock and crops.  Of course, we never see this re-enacted and if you phased out for more than a second in this scene, which is highly possible, you would have missed this story.  There is a strong wind right in the beginning when Cory's grandmother is fighting off the demon onslaught, you know the one that burned her house down, but mostly the wind just seems like a strong normal wind that knocks over furniture and only lasts for a minute, maybe.  The other explanation could be the title refers to the fog in the film we see at least twice that does have some kind of magical power if it can transport people and all.  The only other thing I can think of, is perhaps it's a metaphor of some kind such as there were SO many demons unleashed by evil or whatever, that it was like a strong wind beating down their doors and faces.  Maybe?  Either way, even if it were all these things, it wouldn't add up to being the actual menace in the film nor would there be any of the farts I felt I was promised.

The White Elf Demon Thing

"Does this face make me look bald?"
For me, this is the most mind-boggling bullshit moment in the movie.  So, in the end, Cory and Elaine are having a pretty pathetic stand-off with the main killer demon and suddenly Cory passes out and then wakes up looking like an albino hat-less Green Goblin (see Spider-man).  He is suddenly able to fend off mega-demon more easily and also states, "...you're more afraid of us then we are of you."  Here's the thing, at no point (or maybe I fell asleep) do the characters explain why Cory turns into this elf hybrid thing.  Even when he turns back, Elaine just says, "...you're normal again."  That's it.  There is no explanation of the implications of this transformation.  Is he a race of good demons?  Is he secretly a demon human half-breed?  Does he too possess his grandparents witching and wizardry powers?  I don't know and Demon Wind doesn't feel like telling me.  Bullshit.

Though I would say this film is mostly bereft of logic and goodness, there are times where that plays into exactly why this film is totally watchable.  First off, it is full of some amazingly bad and quotable dialogue.  Much of it comes from our beer-slinging, bench-pressing buddy Dell.  At one point when Bonnie's boyfriend, the hapless Jack, appears and begins giving his hellos to Cory, Dell responds to this moment of male intimacy by stating:

Dell: "...If you two homos can keep your hands off each other for a second, we can get a drink."

Later when most of the group refuses a beer from Dell, he responds with:

Dell: "...What?  Is it 'Just Say No' Week?"

Brilliant.  After this response, Dell's girlfriend Teri accepts a beer to which Dell responds:

Dell: "...This is why I keep her around."

He actually says this line a few times in the film referring to Teri and don't worry, I have a tally.  My favorite by far is after Dell has a minor karate can kicking run in with Chuck the magician wherein Chuck blows a dove at Dell that promptly poops on him, Dell responds with this gem:

Dell: "...son-of-a bitchin' idiots."

There are a few quotes made be different characters which I believe are supposed to sound somehow eloquent or sophisticated and quippy.  In the beginning, Elaine and Cory arrive at a stranded gas station and decide to look in the obviously abandoned diner.  Cory starts shouting, "...hello!" while Elaine looks on.  Then, for no apparent reason, she drops her pants and shows Cory her ass.  His response to this is:

Cory: "...Ah, a moon for the misbegotten."

Holy shit that's deep.  Also in this scene when Jack and Bonnie arrive unexpectedly at the diner, Bonnie and Elaine hug and then began discussing their clothes and how cute they are.  Women.  Jack roll his eyes and says:

Jack: "...Bizarre greeting rituals of the sub-culture."

Geez Mom, put some clothes on.
This is either a comment on women or consumerism or both.  Either way, it's uppity and stupid and I wasn't too bummed when he was demonized.  The last great bit of dialogue I want to mention is an awesome exchange between Chuck the magician and his date friend Stacy (who is a guy).  Most of the group has fallen asleep in the house while Chuck and Stacy stay up perhaps keeping a look out.  At some point they hear a woman's voice beckoning them outside.  She even has naked boobs to back up her request.  Chuck and Stacy smartly decide she is a demon, but decide to venture out anyway with shotguns to kill her.  Once they get outside, they realize she invited all her demon friends to the party.  The demons began chanting their names and egging them on to fight.

Chuck: "...They're playing our song."
Stacy: "...Alright, [shotgun pump] let's dance."

That might have been stolen from an Evil Dead movie, but something had to be to make this movie good.

"Hey boys!  Wanna make out?"
The other redeeming quality about this film is the special effects.  They're not half bad.  The burning body on the cross at the beginning of the film does seem pretty realistic and I sort of found it kind of disturbing.  Plus the demons do manage to look pretty fucked up and gross.  They have the necessary fucked up teeth and gooey faces which are slimy and nasty looking so I approve.  Even the mega demon, who gets pretty ridiculous looking as he is shown in motion, has these kind of awesome hoof feet which only make when Cory turns into some elfish alien more disappointing.  The demon alka-seltzer puke is a little cliche, but at least the latex is not really visible on the faces of most of the demons and therefore they look believably rotting and possessed.

"Ew, I said no tongue."

There is also an awesome kill scene involving one girl who gets strangled with a long cow demon tongue emitting from a cow skull and then is pulled and and eaten by the cow skull.  This is slower and more awkward then it should be, but is made up for by the fact she is eaten by a cow skull.

When all was said and winded, I give this a rating of watchable.  It sort of drags in the way that you just start to feel like, yeah we get there's fucking demons all over the place so will they just fight back or die already, but I think the utter ridiculousness and stupid characters make it charming enough for a viewing.  Plus, there's boobs and butt shots and at least one demon grope, so that's okay.

Demon Fog: 5
Demon Wind: 2(?)
Demon Farts: 0(?)
Times Characters SHOULD Have Been Scared, But Weren't: 16
Pictures of Jesus: 8
Creepy Yocals: 3
Crucifixes: 5
Butt Shots: 2
Pentagrams: 3
Bloody Tapioca Demon Puke: 4
Possible 3-D Intended Shots: 3
Creepy Gingers: 1
Times I Felt Genuinely Creeped Out: 6
Dell Says Something Douchey: 6
Times Dell Says, "This Is Why I Keep Her Around" About Teri: 3
Magician Karate Kicks Something: 2
Guys Named Stacy: 1
Skeletons: 6
Demon Boobs: 2
Times People Say, "Let's Get Out Of Here": 8
Demons: 42
Rat Tails: 1
Obvious Dubbing: 4
Demons Groping Boobs: 1
Cartoonishly Bad Computer Light Effects: 7
Boyfriend Fails: 5


For this particular Episode 5 of TEC's riveting podcast, I bring you, by suggestion, Scream For Help from glorious 1984, directed by "Death Wish creator" Michael Winner and starring people who were the necessary age and gender for their roles when this film was made.  The made-for-TV-movie film is about a young girl, Christie (Melissa Gilbert Rachael Kelly) who is certain her foxy step-dad, Scott Fox (Ryan O'Neal David Brooks) is trying to kill her mother for their implied (through visual aids, but not really talked about) wealth.  Unfortunately no one, even the town's Canadian commissioner believes her teenage tomfoolery of tall tales.  Not to be ignored, she writes about her personal struggles in her journal a lot and we are privileged to view/hear personal readings from her many instances of inner monologue with sad accompanying music.  Sigh.
"Did someone say pancakes?"

Anyhow, the film is mostly about Christie's fairly shitty Nancy Drewesque attempts to foil her step-dad's possible plot by getting either an eyewitness account of his deadly douchebaggery or photographic evidence.  Along the way we are treated to unnecessarily graphic 80's boobage, AMAZING dialogue, ridiculous musical segues, copious amounts of virgin blood, a shitty wonkier-boobed Kim Catrallesque bad girl, a ketchup hand job and at least one awkwardly long conversation about blueberry pancakes.  Intrigued?  Well, you should be and more importantly, you should have a VCR to watch this thing because it's not available on laser disc or digital video disc yet.  Bummer.

"Omigod!  I totally just got AIDS!"
The silver lining is, I have two unabashedly rugged and robust special guests this week, comedians/sketch performers/action stars/filmmakers Kevin Clarke and Travis Vogt who are not only brilliant, robust (did I already say that?) and hilarious, but are also employees of Seattle's own Scarecrow Video and suggested this very film we sort of watched!  Hymens were broken, lives were changed and an unbeknownst scandalous truth is unearthed involving your Enematic host and TEC's Producer Mark!

So if you want to do some homework, check out Scream For Help, available now on video cassette (or just watch it in parts on YouTube here) or check out any and all videos by Clarke The Vogt Productions on FunnyorDie.com!  Also, if you can't wait and have ten minutes to kill, you can check out Part 1 of Scream For Help below!  

Thursday, August 26, 2010

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

This is the least ape-rapey pic I could find.
Listen, before you get mad or question my ethics, I just want to say I'm doing this not because I want to, but because I have to.  Remember that time I talked about this trailer making me uncomfortable (see Political Commentary of the B-Movie)?  Well, it still does and unless you're really fucked up artsy, it should make you as well.  1980's Tanya's Island, starring Prince's Vanity (the lady not the metaphysical thing), is about a woman somehow stranded on a deserted island with her so-so boyfriend whom she apparently just bones all day since they don't have jobs.  Tanya is stuck in a LOVE TRIANGLE between her agro boyfriend and a "blue-eyed man ape."  Yeah and no, they are not the same person.  Turns out it's like a more physically feasible King Kong, in the sex part being physically feasible way.  Sorry Enemaniacs, do not expect a podcast episode or review on this one because I don't think I'll ever be able to sit through this inner-species erotic shitfest.  And God knows I don't scare easily.  All that said, enjoy Vanity's crack induced career choices Tanya's Island . DISCLAIMER: No Vanity's were raped in the making of this film (allegedly) and no actual ape-suited men were actually subjected to Prince's sloppy seconds (allegedly).

Monday, August 23, 2010

A Very Special Reading From...Gore-met Zombie Chef From Hell (1986)

A very short scene between the killer cook and his sous-chef/henchman as read by Xtranormal.com's fuzzy little bear buddies.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 4: Hold On To Your Boobs, Girl!

It's Episode 4 of the TEC Podcast and this one is a shit-slinging doozy of jurassic porportions (PUNS)!  It's not that epic, but it was pretty painfully bad.  It's 1994's Walker: T-Rex Dinosaur Tammy and the T-Rex starring a fresh eyebrowed Denise Richards and ten whole minutes of a young denim-covered Paul Walker!  With me on this time-traveling, gay stereotype and ankh filled episode are comedian and "The Stranger" Gong Show winner Solomon Georgio plus artist/animator and "The Stranger" Hump Fest regular, Mark "Pasteyboy" Allender!  So there's no Jeff Goldblum, but this movie has the distinction of having the one and only ever cinematic "testicular standoff"!  Plus, dino-shoulder brushing and ass petting!  Don't worry, it's not bestiality if the animal is extinct.  I'd still watch out for those puppet arms though, they seem a little rapey.


You're in for a real treat for Episode 4 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast, Enemaniacs!  It's a powerhouse of shits and giggles!  A time-traveling, gay ol' powerhouse!  First off, I've got two awesome guests, comedian Solomon Georgio and animator Mark "Pastey Boy" Allender! 

Now if that's not enough, and why would it be, the movie we are ripping apart in this episode is none other than the dino-sized shitberg, 1994's Tammy and the T-Rex starring a pre-tweezed, possibly pre-crazy Denise Richards as average high-school-aged cute nice girl Tammy and a pre-Deedles, pre-Dieseled Paul Walker as average high-school-aged football player Michael's brain in an animatronic T-Rex!  Lost?  Okay, I'll try to explain.

So the story is as follows, Tammy and Michael are boyfriend and girlfriend, but Tammy's asshole violent ex Billy is totally still into her.  For this reason, he and his ugly friends harass Michael and beat him up a lot.  After one of their usual pranks, Michael ends up in a coma.  His ambulance picked the wrong hospital though, because it just so happens mad Dr. Wachenstein (Terry Kiser) is in the market for a young healthy brain to put into his animatronic dinosaur for possibly, world domination of some kind!  Will Michael get back to his body in time?  Will Tammy still love his dino dick?  Will this movie ever come out on DVD?  These answers and more on the next episode!  If you want proof this piece of shit cinema actually exists and you don't have a VCR, the entire movie is available for viewing on YouTube.  Here the trailer to give you an idea why you should see this thing. Dino-charades people.  That shit HAPPENS.

TAMMY AND THE T REX: Movie Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: Terry Kiser, Paul Walker

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

After all cops are dead...this one's still kickin'.  I give you 1991's Karate Cop!

The Political Commentary of the B-Movie

Womens prison where the prisoners are like, women!

B-Movies, specifically the horror/schlock/exploitation genre, are often a reflection of the times.  This shittily-made form of social commentary has boldly tackled social taboos (or perpetuated stereotypes) happening in their respective current spectrum of human society for generations (shut up, that IS a sentence).

Listen, if you're going to have more than one black person in a movie, it becomes a "black" film, right?  That means you have to have the word "black" in the title.  It's just a rule.  Also, exploiting a woman's fear of rape and or people's disabilities is entertaining.  Obviously.  For example, if you are scared of being raped by someone retarded, there is a B-movie out there just to scare assholes like you.  Political correctness aside, if you don't believe me (or just don't care), here are some examples of B-Movies brave enough to tackle human politics. 


Based on the true tales of Cybil Danning!
"Chopsticks" was just too much.
I guess this movie forgot to include gender stereotypes too.


  Is Bette Midler in this one?

The statistics of women raped by fire are pretty sobering.


Coke ain't no joke you guys.
Teenagers, our last natural source of fossil fuel!


Before "Juno" made it cool. Also, are you a teenager at 14?

Why not try not being a hooker?


"Aw babe, you shouldn't have!"
"Considah dis a davorce!"


This trailer made me really uncomfortable.


Insert chimo joke here.
Forgive me Father for I like this movie.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

From the director of the shitacious Hobgoblins, I give you 1986's Visitants!  Keep a lookout for the lava lamp that has been magically time warped into the 1950's!  I knew aliens brought that shit here.

A Very Special Reading From....Tammy and the T-Rex (1994)

We've got a new regular feature here on TEC! We bring you "very special" passionate re-enactments of scenes from various bad movies using the free video software available on Xtranormal.com! For our first reading, we give you a scene torn straight out of the script of 1994's sci-fi rom-com, Tammy and the T-Rex starring a young pre-Sheened Denise Richards and a not so fast, not so furious Paul Walker!  In this scene, Tammy (Richards) is refusing a flower given to her by love interest, Michael (Walker, T-Rex) who then tries to convince Tammy to attend a high school dance with him.  This shit is gripping dawg!  It's painfully 90's and painfully bad!  Wait, that was a little redundant.  Anyway, if you want to hear more about this shit fest, stay tuned for Episode 4 of the TEC podcast in which we dissect this special dino turd the only way we can, while drinking.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 3: You Can't Make Us Play With You

It's that time again Enemaniacs!  It's Episode 3 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast!  In this beer-infused, cheese puff crunching episode, myself, along with three of my buddies since high school, Carina Simmons, Jim Dustan and Tony Fantozzi tortured our brain meats and eyeballs for our your entertainment with 1989's Monster High projected on genuine 20+ year-old VHS!  So sit back, pass the puffs and enjoy our shitty jokes and non astute observations on this week's special cinematic turd, Monster High!  Test your might and stay until the end to hear a very drunken special kitten rap!

Death Spa (1988)
Dir.: Michael Fischa
Genre: Horror

People get so thin they disappear!

We've seen a lot of things here on The Enematic Cinematic and Death Spa is, well, one of them.  Directed by Michael Fischa (who went on to direct one of my childhood favorite pieces of artful cinema 1989's My Mom's a Werewolf) and released in the time appropriate 1988, Death Spa doesn't bullshit.  It's exactly what you would think it should be.   

Michael Evans (William Bumiller), a young hip owner of a high tech popular health spa becomes plagued with nightmares of some lady in a wheel chair burning (don't you hate when dreams of your mom on fire ruins your day?).  At the same time, his super hip spa becomes plagued with mysterious accidents involving loose diving boards, flying shower tiles and pointy objects impaling spa goers.  Is it the super computer that controls the entire spa?  Is it the ghost of the burning cripple?  Does anyone get a refund?

Ew, like gay! There are naked girls in this sauna!
Eventually we learn that the progressive techno super computer that controls everything in the spa, even the showers (?), was programmed and is run by Michael's creepo brother-in-law David (Merritt Butrick, this movie is full of butt names).  Not only is David a creepy looking blond guy, he is also the twin brother of Michael's recently dead wife, (shitty twin name alert) Catherine!  He still thinks Michael is an asshole for not being dead like his sister and there's even talk of some sort of baby that was going to happen, but didn't because....well, you'll figure all this shit out when you rent it.  What's that?  You don't have a VCR?

Okay, well supposedly Michael's wife Catherine was sperminated with his seed at one point, but when she tried to give birth, something went wrong and she ended up in a wheelchair and the mother of a dead baby.  This some how pissed her off and she hated Michael up until the day she wheeled outside, dosed herself in gasoline and lit her shit on fire.  Pretty cool morbid, right?  Michael didn't let it break his spirit though or damper his love of good health and physical fitness.  He continued to run the spa and pass out his protein shakes to all the young chicks that came in and out of the place.  This was all of course before the mysterious goings on and Michael's reoccurring nightmares.  A couple of dead bodies later, he starts to wonder...Is the place haunted by the crippled ghost of my jealous ex-wife or do I need to really start bitching at my maintenance guy?   Even more political yet, is 80's technology the beginning of the apocalypse?  Whatever the reason, Michael keeps the place open until enough skinny assholes are properly burnt or dead.

The film opens in a dark parking lot of the closed for the night health spa.  The camera focuses on the neon lit sign that reads, "Star Body Health Spa."  Suddenly, a WTF roll of thunder and crash of lightning!  The sign has been struck by computer graphics nature itself and a portion of the letters are burnt out!  It now reads, "d ea th Spa!"  Oh shit! It's one thing if your local "Discount Mart" didn't pay some bills and turns into "c unt Mart."  That is funny as farts and I would just take my cell phone picture and then continue on inside to purchase my cheese puffs and beer.  It's another thing if my gym (okay, A gym) said "death Spa!"  That's a foretelling of futuristic events!  Or at the very least, a good excuse to not work out that day, but of course the 80's were too vain to let a little obvious irony stop them from sweating in their door knockers and acrylic nails.

Like, oh boy...
The script is fairly predictable and all the non-notable actors play pretty much the same character according to time period and gender, though there is one stand out I should mention.  In a death spa full of low grade periodic one episode television actors, the unimportant character of "Darla" is played by Chelsea Field, famous known for her gripping portrayal of Teela, adopted secret child of the Sorceress of Eternia, but raised by the tough on the exterior, but secretly tender-sided Man at Arms, in the documentary live action adaptation of He-Man Masters of the Universe.  She is also married to much more notable star, Scott Bakula of "Quantum Leap" fame.  Also, according to the Internet Movie Database, her dad once sold a horse to Captain Kirk William Shatner.  Besides that, the cast is a whole lot of random "Jake and the Fat Man" and "Trapper John, M.D." one-timers.  All this mediocrity in mind, there are some redeeming chodes of entertainment sprinkled throughout Death Spa.

First of all, there are a number of inappropriate/unnecessary things happening in this allegedly health spa.  Evidenced by a numbered list below:

1. Coffee

For some reason, the health bar serves coffee.  Who the fuck either starts or ends a work out with a cup of coffee?  I've done a Pilates class with gin in my water bottle before (I'm bending my back on a big ass ball, that shit hurts and requires relaxation!), but come on, coffee is the ultimate dehydrator.  The last thing I want when I'm sweating and about to pass out is a hot cup of coffee.  Health bar FAIL.

2. Mardi Gras Party

Throughout the film, the spa employees and members are all seriously jazzed about the upcoming costume Mardi Gras party happening at the HEALTH spa.  There's even going to be free pizza and a keg.  What kind of bullshit message is this?  The short period of time I had a trainer, okay, it was just a free consultation that came with the beginning of a gym membership I never saw through (or fully paid off), Troy was a total dick about my drinking habits.  Or at least feed me some urban legend about how beer increases belly fat.  Boo Troy.  Preach to someone who is actually motivated to lose weight, okay?  Also, who the fuck was planning on staying up all night to clean up all this shit before the spa opened the next morning at 8:00 AM?  Oh, yeah I forgot it was the 80's when coke solved all these problems I just stated.

3. Sex in the Sauna

Okay, GROSS!  Do you know how many fucking butts and balls have been sweating and sticking to those seats?!?  Do you want to catch jock itch in your vagina you dumb shits?  I don't even go bare foot in the shower of a gym, let alone bare pussy in the fucking sauna!

Death Spa is riddled with specific 80's references and one-liners.  At one point, Darla (who might be an employee?) begins flirting with some allegedly hunky spa goer named Robert whilst he works on his deltoids.  She asks if he can bench more weight:

Robert: "Sure, when I'm trying to impress a girl."
Darla: "Why not impress me?"
Robert: "Because I'm Beta and you're VHS."

Oh shit, like total 80's BURN!!

Feel the burn! Okay, too easy.

In another scenario, two detectives show up to investigate all the dead people's deaths at the spa.  After an employee is locked into the sauna and burned in the eyeballs by chlorine gas, the spa manager, Priscilla and owner, Michael try to explain.

Priscilla: "It was an accident."
Lt. Fletcher: "Yeah, but this accident nearly dissolved a girl like Alka-Seltzer."

I would do a "...what a relief it is" Alka-Seltzer bit here, but, it wouldn't be funny. 
All and all, I found Death Spa to be pretty entertaining.  Heads explode, hands are blended and even a cop is killed by a reanimated fish, but something I couldn't help but notice throughout the film is how similar it is to 1986's Killer Workout (aka Aerobicide).  Check out a clip reel for Killer Workout below, also, watch out for a scene in which some person tags (that's graffiti for all you non-hipsters) a window with the phrases, "Aerobicide" and the much more telling, "Death Spa"!  What kind of 80's health/horror irony B-movie (alleged) plagiarism is going on here?!? 

If you haven't seen either movie and possibly plan to, don't read ahead because I am going to have to use some major spoilers in order to dissect each poo nugget properly.  Although, to be honest, it's pretty obvious in each film who the killer is from the beginning so it's not giving too much away.  Also, with cinematic turds such as these, the mystery also known as the general plot (or the thrills for the purpose of rhyme) is filler really to the heart of every B horror movie, the kills and spills!  Also, shut the fuck up, quit whining and read on!


Death Spa VS Killer Workout    

1. Heath Nut/Horror Victim Irony

Both of these films play off the irony of the health conscious and physically fit some how meeting untimely deaths by the very place or activities they sought to better their bodies.  Also, playing off the new aerobics/health craze of the 1980's.  Health spas and gyms already have shower scenes, chicks in spandex and sweaty cleavage so pretty much, this shit writes itself!

2. Not Enough People Killed By Gym Equipment

Something both of these movies lack is the use of the gym equipment itself to kill people.  In Death Spa just one guy dies when a weight lifting machine tears him apart.  Okay so I guess there is a deadly sauna and tanning bed situation, but I don't know.  I still felt like there were some missed opportunities.  Come on, there's treadmills and bicycles all over the place!  I almost die on those things without the help of killer computers or dead ex-wife ghosts!  In Killer Workout there are a few more gym equipment kills with the killer using hand weights to bash a head, but other than that it's a giant safety pin and a knife.  What a waste.
What you mean no? Can't you feel my boner?
3. Douchebag Dude Bros

Thankfully, there are a plethora of agro-douchebag-dudes in tiny tank tops and half-shirts in both films.  From clever quippy Robert in Death Spa to beefy Jimmy with Steve Perry haircut in Killer Workout, the options for date rapists are endless!  Just be sure to take your pill on time ladies!

4. 80's, 80's, Like Totally 80's

Spandex!  Synthesizers! Tights!  Head bands!  Non-supportive bras!  No, I'm not talking about an American Apparel store, I'm talking about the 80's you guys!  The 80's!  Yeah, I'm kind of over it too.

5.  Sweet Work Out Mix Theme Songs

Each of these films has their very own sweet 80's work out theme song.  Killer Workout has Donna De Lory's "Only You Tonight" featured in the above clip reel.  Death Spa has the the possibly named "Killer Groove" with lyrics like:

"...lock your windows, lock your doors, the killer groove is back for more - he's on patrol..."

I don't know if this song is really titled "Killer Groove."  I didn't bother to write it down from the credits and I can't find the soundtrack on the internet, but it should be called that so I'm making the final call.

6. Cute Girls Get Totes, Like Killer Bummed When They Turn Into Burn Victims

Having no nipples makes me want to wear wigs!
The basic premise of Death Spa and Killer Workout are pretty much the same down to the reason the killer kills.  In Killer Workout, gym owner Rhonda is still really bummed about that tanning bed accident that left her so awkwardly burned from the neck down she no longer has nipples.  How can you seduce Steve Perry hair with no nipples?  So, she just feels like, fuck these beautiful non-burned people and starts killing them.  In Death Spa, Catherine, the crippled dead ex-wife of spa owner, Michael, kills herself by setting herself on fire.  Then her ghost possesses her twin brother and finds ways to burn cuter ladies that have alive vaginae her widowed husband has sex with.  So I guess the moral is, being a burn victim sucks, but like, especially when you're totally cute with a bitchin' bod.
Though the rip-offs are alleged, Killer Workout may win by default because it came out in 1986, two whole years of re-writes and re-dos before Death Spa in '88.  Either way, Death Spa still remains to be a very watchable movie of the horror/health genre.  I definitely recommend at least a single viewing, especially it if you like boobies and body explosions and hate skinny bitches.

Girls Michael (death spa owner) bones: 6
Shower Scenes: 2
People Killed With Gym Equipment: 1
Fat Funny Gym Goers: 1
Specific 80's References: 3
Possible Incestuous Sex: 2
Fake Outs: 3
Burnt People: 7
Ghost Makes Panther Noises: 5
Body Parts Explode: 2
Dead Wife Dreams: 5
Body Count: 15
Ghost Seductions: 2
Implied Pirate Rape: 1
Fish Kills: 1