Friday, December 31, 2010

TEC Podcast: *Bonus* Episode 19: All In The Family

Well, apparently 2010 has come to a close and to celebrate, I bring a very special bonus New Year's Eve mini-episode (recorded on Christmas Eve) rounding out our "Horrible Holidays" block with possibly the worst piece of shit of them all, SILENT NIGHT, DEADLY NIGHT 5: THE TOY MAKER (see the trailer below) from glorious 1992.  This one "stars" a super bloated Mickey Rooney, a robotic perverted Pinocchio and a bunch of killer toys!

My super special guests on this bonus episode (who thankfully had enough wine to get through it) are two member of my ACTUAL family.  As in my real life older blood sister Amanda and my real life birth mother Lyn!  Not only are they patient as hell for participating in "my little radio show" with me, they're funny as well.  I'm not sure how much more to sell this one other than my Mom raps about perverted robot teenage dolls.  Seriously.  This one is a must-hear.

                         





*You can download this and all TEC Podcast episodes from our Podbean site here or find us on iTunes.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 18: Christmas Comes All Over Our Face!


 For Episode 18, we had a couple firsts on the podcast.  First, we watched our most recent movie yet, the fun for the whole family, 2005's SANTA'S SLAY starring ex-(I guess) WWF or WWE or whatever wrestler Goldberg and a cast of D-list ex-sitcom whoevers.  Second, we enjoyed the fuck out of this movie!  Santa (Goldberg) is actually the son of Satan and after losing a bet with an angel, he was forced to stopped murdering people every December 25th (once known as the Day of Slaying) for 1,000 years and had to instead bring joy and gifts and stuff.  in 2005, the 1,000 years are over and Santa goes on a ass-kicking, pile-driving, bloody rampage!  Only some teenage couple in a small Canadian town can stop him ( but don't worry, they suck at it for most of the movie).

My guests for this steroid-fueled episode are returning guest, comedian Danielle Radford and brand new guest, comedian Ross Parsons!  Together we discuss myself and Danielle's unexpected Goldberg hard-ons, awkward holiday gifts from family, the arduous task of Pokemon training, Ross' fears of Santa rape, push comedy metaphors to the limit and of course the awesome fucking movie that is, SANTA'S SLAY (check out the trailer below)!



*You can download this and all podcast episodes from our Podbean site or find us on iTunes!

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library *Horrible Holidays Edish*



By technicality, this is neither a film nor a "horror" movie per se, but I have to include this for this simple fact that this thing is in fact filmed and will in fact terrify you.  In 1994, the geniuses behind The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Christmas Special (I think) and other boring/horrifying bullshit got together and said, "Hey, is it just me, or are the turtles green?"  "Yes," replied one of Satan's minions.  "Who here doesn't smell a Christmas special?"  Yes.  It's 1994's WE WISH YOU A TURTLE CHRISTMAS, the live-action thirty minute Christmas special created with a couple of retarded kids, a shitty set and a bunch of low paid actors in FRIGHTENING prosthetic suits with giant heads. 

Never before has it been more apparent that turtles don't have teeth and Splinter is a GIANT rat.  Somehow the cartoons nor the films nailed these facts into my brain as crystal clear as this video.  Each spine-chilling thirty minutes of this shit-fest includes Christmas songs re-worked to include pizza references and fake Jamaican accents, glassy-eyed idiot children with fake dirt smeared on their face and of course a rap...about wrapping presents (see the video below).  *Shiver*  Though this only came out on VHS and is no longer available other than on Ebay, luckily some masochist uploaded the entire thing in parts on YouTube.  I'm serious.  Watch at your own risk and sweet Jesus, be sure you're sober first.

Monday, December 27, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 17: You Can't Destroy Me!

It's a psychic/samurai/slasher for "Horrible Holidays" Episode 17!  Possibly one of the worst movies I've graced my guests with so far, 1982's BLOODBEAT starring a glowing samurai psychic ghost, a bunch of faux French rednecks and a Christmas tree in a couple of scenes.  A dude brings his hyper emotional/shy/secret slut girlfriend Sarah home to his parents cabin for the holidays and unfortunately for her, his family and his penis, a poltergeist in the form of a killer samurai decides to spread some yuletide fear!  Yeah. I'm still confused.

"Must. Not. Beef."
My guests who attempt to help me figure out this Christmas crap-fest are comedians and returning guests, Derek Sheen (host of the Delicious Mediocrity Podcast) and Emmett Montgomery (co-founder of The People's Republic of Komedy)! Also along for this beer and chip-fueled ride is brand new guest, comedian Yogi Paliwal (host of the Player's Room Podcast)! Together we discuss fat camp, French-fried hillbillies, violent masturbation and laser revenge all culminating in one guest's genuine freak out and our very first podcast walkout (not inspired by the movie)!



*You can download this all all TEC Podcast Episodes from our Podbean site here or find us on iTunes!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

This movie has pretty much got everything going for it.  It's the fifth installment in a straight-to-video horror/holiday series, special effects were done by the dude who did the special effects from NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 4 and it stars Mickey Rooney.  How could this not be a Christmas miracle!

Suggested Shit For The Week

Even better than a B-Movie trailer, it's a "Horrible Holidays" X-mas short film about the unknown told story of the annual raping/pillaging of pine trees and the time they decided to take back the night.  It's 2008's, The Secret Life of Trees TREEVENGE and it's fucking amazing!  Happy Horrordays Enemaniacs!

Nevermind, Rewind Movie Of The Week

This movie came out of a suggestion from a customer at the video store I work at.  That by itself isn't very convincing to me usually, but this guy seemed to have a decent general knowledge of horror movies and went on for awhile in detail how "surprisingly good" the movie turned out to be.  The minute I got this turd home and it started running on my DVD player, I was very aware that this customer was most likely some alien in a person-like meat suit filled with bullshit and lies and/or a human man who goes around video stores and suggests the shot-on-video "movie" his cousin made.  2006's TWO FRONT TEETH promises to be about a vampiric Santa Claus (Clausferatu) who has gone rogue, is attacking some small town with an army of elf zombies and the only one who can save the day is a trash journalist that has been raving about such Christmas conspiracy from the beginning.  What ACTUALLY happens is the marital problems of a neurotic plastic-faced rag writer and his wife (what's the deal with straight to video actresses from the 2000's always being plain-faced white ladies with highlights and rum raisin lipstick BTW?) who is getting banged by some other dude she works with at "X-Mart" and some pointy-eared, devil-faced gimps that bite people.  Or at least that's as far as I got. 

This movie suffers from a lot of the bullshit that most straight-to-DVD movies from the late 90's and general 2000's have.  It TRIES to be shitty.  Listen, when you already have a piss poor budget, one set and four actors who are clearly just your friends, your movie is already SHITTY.  You don't have to try to make shitty happen where shitty is born.  I'm all for not taking your movie seriously, but if you don't have enough money to make computer generated gun shots, than DON'T.  Just use fake blood and prosthetics like everyone else.  It looks better and there is a lovable/laughable aspect of honest attempts at good when turd is all that can be achieved.

That general statement to HD-Camera owners everywhere aside, the big mistake of this movie that made me hate it from the start is that it shows the elf/gimp/vampire people (which is clearly where any budget money went other than accessories from Claire's Boutique) are shown in the opening credits and then constantly there after.  Did you assholes never see Jaws or anything ever with monsters or creepy things as the antagonist?  Basically this shit fest blew it's load all over my face in the first five minutes and rather than hand me a sock or something, it just expected for me to sit there and let it dry.  No thanks TWO FRONT TEETH, I'm a lady.  Sorry.  I've never been very good with analogies.   

Friday, December 17, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 16: Santa Said Oral



After a brief Thanksgiving holiday hiatus, The Enematic Cinematic Podcast is back with Episode 16!  This is the first episode in my December "Horrible Holidays" block with the horror holiday film, 1989's ELVES, starring Grizzly Adams Dan Haggerty and rubber puppets whose mouths never close!  A disgraced former detective and recovering alcoholic (Dan Haggerty) is forced to take a job as a mall Santa to pay his trailer park rent and in the process discovers a secret experimental breeding conspiracy involving the cute teenaged main character girl that works at the mall, elves, an old crippled German and Nazis!  Will Grizzly Adams be able to stop Nazi's little helpers before Tiffany Stacey Kirsten is sperminated?  Probably.

My guests this holiday fun and Nazi-laden episode are adorable comedians Jessica Strauss (who I thought would never speak to me again after making her watch El Muerto in Episode 7) and brand new guest, comedian Barbara Holm!  Together we discuss the complications of incest, the true meaning of the biblical story of Noah and his arc, the plague of public displays of affection and of course, the serious burn on Jews that Nazis considered Elves superior.  Sick burn!



You can download this and all TEC Podcast episodes for free from podbean site here or find us on iTunes.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Creepy Santa Pic Of The Week

Q. The only thing that makes this picture not completely frightening is:

A.) The 80's

B.) Cartoons

C.) That turns out, my sister and I are still alive and remain unraped. 

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

B-movie Trailer of the Day!

One of my FAVORITE horror holiday movies, 1996's JACK FROST!  This is what that creepy bullshit with Batman Beetlejuice Michael Keaton should have been.

TEC's Horrible Holidays

The holidays are upon us Enemaniacs and to commiserate celebrate I've decided to have a "Horrible Holidays" theme for the month of December!  This means, all B-movie trailers, reviews, Suggested Shit, Home Video Turds and so on and so forth will be holiday horror movie themed (which is different from our usual theme, sort of)!  So horror fans of the blog delight and other people, sorry (but not really).  Not only does this stand for the all blog entries, but for the podcast as well.  After a holiday (the last one) inspired hiatus, new episodes will be back up starting in two days!  The first "Horrible Holiday" TEC Podcast will feature the underrated-crippled Nazi-incest-occult-killer elf-80's-holiday-fun fest, 1989's ELVES starring Grizzly Adams Dan Haggerty and an exciting cast of other people including some poorly made rubber puppets and the aforementioned Nazi in a wheelchair!  My guests on this episode will be elf-like (in adorableness and enjoyment of cookies) rays of sunshine/comedians Jessica Strauss and Barbara Holm!  You can check out the trailer for ELVES below.    

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

A Very Special Reading From...

A scene straight out of the script of the amazing B-grade-shot on video-PG-rape/revenge-white people doing karate movie, 1993's High Kicks as read by the avatars on the text-to-video site, Xtranormal.com.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Enemaniacal Reader Submission Of The Day

It happens on occasion that not only do people other than my mom read my blog, but they actually send me suggestions and/or stuff to add.  This week I received a very interesting e-mail from Enematic reader Pierce.  Besides some very lovely compliments, I was sent a link to a graphic created by Online Schools.  It's a very interesting time table that includes mathematical facts about famous horror movies.  Check it out below.  For a larger more legible version, click here.  Thanks to Enemaniac Pierce and if you would like to send me a movie suggestion and or general randomness, email me @ theenematiccinematic@gmail.com.


Suggested Shit For The Week

First of all, I should say that the suggestion for this week is FAR from shit.  It's previous podcast guests/video store alumni/movie lovers Zack Carlson and Bryan Connolly's epic literary masterpiece, DESTROY ALL MOVIES: A COMPLETE GUIDE TO PUNKS ON FILM.  Not a mere movie guide, but more of a map of underrated cinema, DESTROY ALL MOVIES is the result of a 7 year odyssey started by two guys that wanted to chronicle every instance of a punk rocker in a movie, ever.  It was well worth the effort.



Not only is DESTROY ALL MOVIES an addictive page turner, a rarity for a movie compendium, but it's informative, entertaining, colorful and a memorial to the golden age of VCR cinema.  You must read this book.  If you live in the Seattle area you can pick it up from Scarecrow Video and if not you can find it on the Fantagraphics website or on Amazon.  If you can't afford it and live by no rules, steal it from Barnes & Noble.

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

Just in time for the holiday.  Happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 15: Destroy All Movies!

It's our most epic episode yet!  Hold on to your ball sacks (or lack there of) Enemaniacs because for Episode 15, I managed to get some celebrities and personal heroes of mine on the podcast!  Gracing us with their thoughts and rap stylings this episode are writers/film lovers/VHS vigilantes and all around funny dudes, Zack Carlson and Bryan Connolly, writers of the brand new movie compendium published by Seattle's own Fantagraphics, "Destroy All Movies: The Complete Guide to Punks on Film!"  The credits that make them expert guests for this podcast are endless...formally employees of Seattle's awesome independently-owned video store Scarecrow Video, hosts for seven consecutive years of the Olympia Film Festival all night B-movie extravaganza "All Freakin' Night," film booker for Austin's Alamo Drafthouse Cinema (Zack), manager of Austin's awesome independently owned video store Vulcan Video (Bryan) and of course, editors of this amazing book, "Destroy All Movies..."

These guys spent seven years going through video tapes and DVDs one by one made in the mid-seventies to the late nineties searching for any sign of any kind of a punk rocker on film.  They compiled years of research and determination into one amazing colorful movie guide which you can and should buy either here on Amazon or from Scarecrow Video!

I managed to bribe them into TEC headquarters (slash my apartment) to talk about one of their favorite movies to incorporate punk as well as one of the best 80's party movies of all time, 1984's Surf II starring iconic nerd actor Eddie Deezen as Menlo Schwartzer, a mad nerd scientist plotting to take revenge against the surfers (one of them being Eric Stoltz) that harassed him in high school by creating a new toxic waste tainted soda called Buzzz Cola that turns all that drink it into mindless, garbage-eating punk rockers!  Too Rude!


We talk the book, remembering VHS, the behind the scenes stories of Surf II, Zack and Bryan's diner interview with the legend Eddie Deezen himself and we even manage to talk a little shit about Portland in there.  This episode only lives by one rule...no rules!




Currently Surf II is only available on VHS (if you don't have a VHS player, you don't like movies).  There isn't a trailer available online, but even better, you can watch the entire thing in parts on YouTube here.  You can also check out in parts, the road tour of Alamo Draft House's Cinemapocalypse with our guest from this episode, Zack Carlson screening and talking more on Surf II as well as a mini-Surf II cast reunion here!

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library

I acquired this gem in a very random way.  My dad actually saw this at a yard sale and instead of buying it for my mom who might have appreciated it on a serious level, he decided to buy it for me because he thought that I quote, "...would find it funny."  Funny is quite the understatement for the heinous brilliance that is 1993's Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Toted as the "first video romance novel" (and unfortunately the last), Fabio: ATFR is pretty much some asshole's sexist idea of soft core porn for hetero-housewives...and it's awesome.  The movie starts with an introduction from Fab himself in a white tux, holding a single red rose.  Is your pussy wet yet ladies?!? 

He introduces the video as, "...a bideo I mad fore mah freahnds."  That's you Mom!  Not only did he make you a very special gift with his very own very special tan and muscular hand meat, but he also adds this non-sexual innuendo, "...so cahm, jenny wit me to tha lahnd of roarmahnce."  What was that Mom?  What is the "land of romance?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure Dad already does a decent job of explaining that to you.  Like the time he bought you a sewing machine for Christmas or cooking pans for your birthday.  What woman doesn't love to cook?  Secondly, romance in land form is a middle-aged, quasi-attractive romance novelist up late at night in her silk negligee trying to come up with material for her next book whilst snacking on baby carrots.  She comes up with three genius story lines (if I forgot to mention earlier, this "movie" is an anthology piece) all involving Fabs as the main character. 

In one story he is viking paddling along a river in Wisconsin the English coast when he comes upon some community theater actor practicing fencing a young British farmer who challenges him to a duuuel.  Just when the nearly naked Fabio is about to run the boy through with his tin foil sword cutlass, the boy's attractive sister intervenes and begs Fabs to take her life and spare her brother's.  He agrees, but low and motherfucking behold y'all!  Instead of stabbing her to death, he tells the boy to fetch a priest to...what what, marry them!  Okay.  At this point, I assume you are overcome with ecstasy ladies, but wait, keep your pants on.  There's more! 

In our next entry into what every woman wants, Fabs plays a charming freshly shaved pirate.  His rag tag group of rapists and pillagers (who also all manage to fake an English accent, I guess Fabs passes with just sounding European) find a woman run ashore covered in bird poop and seaweed I guess.  I guess this because the pirates and Fabs, their pirate king naturally, mention her stank quite a bit.  Fab tells a blind pirate to clean her up and get her some fresh clothes so she can "dine" with him.  She refuses at first, but Fabio reminds her that if she doesn't want to hang out with him, he could always leave her to be babysitted by his men who, "...hahb bin aht sea a lung thyme," wink, wink.  This is probably the rapiest of all the stories.  After she's cleaned up, she and Fabs sit down to a moonlit tent chicken dinner on the beach. The girl starts off being feisty, based on Fab and his pirates running her ship aground and causing everyone to drown.  Don't you worry all you romance fans, because Fabs manages to charm her over a cheeky game of chess and some Vivaldi.  Oh yeah.

"...cahm flye wit mae, lehts sahl awaye."
The last story in the bunch involves the novelist herself.  She falls asleep and dreams she is a simple "school teacher" who falls in love with a gorgeously rich Italian Count (Fabio, obvs).  However will they stay together?  He's high society and she's like, totally middle class!  Thankfully, (SPOILER) Fabio has a solution and guess what, hold onto your vaginas ladies, he proposes marriage (again)!  Not only that, but he offers to whisk her away from her boring average life of child education to live with him in his expensive Italian villa!  Squirt!

Just when you think this tape is over and you're pretty much maxed out on orgasms, it ends with not one, but TWO final twists!  If you like unintentionally hilarious hunkage, man meat and of course, romance, you must find a copy of Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Not only for your own sexual spiritual re-birth, but to keep love alive!    

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Nevermind, Rewind Film of the Week

I did not go into 1988's The Brain with high expectations.  All I really expected was to see a giant alien brain puppet eating people.  No more, no less.  That is exactly what I got.  What I didn't expect was one of the most obnoxious group of characters possibly in any movie, ever.  Not obnoxious in an entertaining way either.  The kind of people that you are just rooting for to die.  The only people I actually wanted the brain puppet to eat, it doesn't.  The plot is fairly simple and exactly like somewhat similar to Invasion of the Body Snatchers.  A pseudo-psychiatrist in a small town, creepy Dr. Blakely (played by Re-Animator's creepy decapitated doctor, David Gale)  hosts a popular public access show called ironically (that will make sense later), Independent Thinking.  Many of the town's parents send their wayward teens to Dr. Blakely's research facility in the hopes of curing their waywardness.  What they don't know, is Dr. Blakely isn't curing shit.  In fact, he's housing a giant killer alien monster brain that he's using to control every one's brain waves through his television show!  Not only that, but (SPOILER, not really) Dr. Blakely himself is in fact an alien made of slime and worms disguised in a human meat suit!  So far, so good. 

Where this goes awry is the main characters/heroes of the film.  It's your standard teenage couple, Jim, the wise-talking sex-obsessed James Deanesque boyfriend and Janet, the squeaky clean, I'm waiting for college, screams all the time and gets easily captured girlfriend (what part of STAY HERE do these bitches not understand?!?).  Smart-ass Jim gets in trouble in school and is forced by his parents to see Dr. Blakely for his behavioral problems.  This is when he finds out the good Doctor has a hot European assistant with nice boobs and oh, he's not really a doctor.  The rest of the film involves he and Janet trying to convince other people in town that Dr. Blakely is not what he seems, but unfortunately they have both been framed for the murders committed by the monster brain so no one really listens.

Here's where the mildly entertaining moves into incredibly infuriating.  These two assholes have to be the fucking stupidest fugitives of ALL time.  First of all, they never feel the need to actually run from anything or at least not a very accelerated speed.  Although Janet has seen the killer brain eat a guy with her own two eyes, she refuses to believe that the brain is actually controlling minds.  Is that really too far fetched at this point?  She decides to call her Dad, an avid watcher of Independent Thinking after Jim explicitly tells her not to.  Obviously, this leads the doctor's ONE goon directly to them.  Oh yeah, so Dr. Blakely has a giant alien brain to do his bidding, but only ONE fucking goon to do all his killing. 

Then the two lovers decide to hide out at their high school which I guess Jim has the keys to, it's never explained.  Then they decide to bone just in time before the goon shows up.  Janet starts watching the show on some monitor in a classroom and turns on Jim.  He is CONFUSED by this and isn't sure why she's turned against him even though he caught her watching the show and he was the one that theorized this is how Dr. Blakely is controlling people's brain waves.  AHH!  After a slow speed highway chase, Jim actually shakes the fuzz and Blakely's goon.  He escapes into the woods only to RETURN to town where EVERYONE is looking for him and just walks around busy streets wondering why people are starring at him.  He even goes to Blakely's facility which I guess makes sense since he obviously thinks he should destroy the killer brain, but while there he enters a room full of Independent Thinking watchers and is once again, surprised why they don't listen to reason.  I know horror movies are full of stupid people.  If they weren't, the movie wouldn't last an hour, but seriously, the dumb things this couple does and says is beyond horror movie stupidity and just moves straight into mental disability.  I made it up to the end, but does it really matter?  Guess what, Jim destroys the giant brain puppet on a dolly and the couple stays in love and goes off to college.  Meh.            

Sunday, November 14, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 14: Big Butts! B'Zooms! Crax!

It's Episode 14 and for your enjoyment we sat through the entirety of 1977's epic demonic non-thriller, Deathbed: The Bed That Eats.  A creepy, king-sized mildewy bed that happens to be possessed by a demonic force, wreaks havoc on some seventies ladies and Italian dudes as it's bubbly, yellow, bed stomach acid consumes anything and everyone that decides to nap, make out or play cards on on it's dusty sheets.

In case you think we're full of shit, this movie is absolutely real, considers itself a genuine horror/drama and we really watched it.  Turns out, it took the makers of Deathbed: The Bed That Eats five years to finish this project which not only is painfully obvious, but is the kind of B-movie determination you might have to admire.




The Deathbed tries to avoid embarrassing diarrhea.
My guests for this episode are both previous guests on the podcast, but because I had so much fun having each of them on before, I asked them to come back.  They are comedian/filmmaker Kevin Clarke and Scarecrow Video Manager/B-movie enthusiast Rich Grendzinski.  Together we try to make sense of a plot more convoluted than Dune, discuss fried chicken picnics, attempt to understand the complex biology behind the demonic bed intestinal system and of course, rap about Martin Sheen's less talented brother/Charlie Sheen's less talented uncle, Mr. Joe Estevez.  You're welcome.




In order to get an idea of the bloody, beddy, madness that is Deathbed: The Bed That Eats, check out the clip reel below!


You can download this episode and all other podcast episodes on our podbean site here or on iTunes under The Enematic Cinematic.

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

Everyone, like bag the noise and check out this trailer for one of the greatest movies ever made.  It's everything great about teen movies of the 80's all wrapped up into one amazing B-movie burrito. 1983's Joysticks!  Boobs!  Video arcades!  Ultra low-grade dick and fat jokes!  Boobs and parents that just don't get it!  Plus, boobs!  Come on, everyone is doing it.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Suggested Shit For The Week...


This week in suggested shit, I encourage you to check out a very funny and revealing podcast by a friend of mine and former TEC Podcast guest, filmmaker Jason Ryan.  The podcast is called Real Adult Feelings and it's pretty self explanatory, but don't worry, there is a lot of sarcasm and wit in case being all open with your friends sometimes makes you uncomfortable like it does me.  The hosts of the podcast, Jason and "Billy Bones" are just two twenty-something dudes talking about relationships, sex and other stuff.  It's pretty entertaining and sometimes even informative. 

They recently kicked off season two a few weeks ago and to start off, had myself and previous TEC Podcast guest Colin Thiel as their vey first guests of the season.  If you want to know about period guns, the time Colin passed up sex for The Birds, Billy Bones' revelations at Burning Man, Jason's New York regrets, the time I genuinely thought I was a werewolf and how I really feel about my shitty ex-boyfriend from high school, you can check out our particular episode, "Missed Opportunities (& AIDS)" HERE!  For all other episodes check out the link on Real Adult Feelings above or download them on iTunes!

No Holds Barred (1989)
Dir. Dennis Hackin
Genre: Action/Wrestling


"...What's that smell? Dookie?!"

 First of all, I have to say this movie was exactly what I thought it would be and that, for me, is incredibly high praise as far as shitty movies go.  I had hoped it would be as entertainingly bad as I assumed and let me tell you something, it was even shittier and even more entertaining than I could have imagined.  Check out the trailer for this turd in all it's golden-haired glory below.


The group looks on as Brell shows
them the poster he keeps above his bed.
Not only is the star of the film WWF (at the time) wrestling champ Hulk Hogan, who has never made a bad movie I didn't like, (barring 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain) but the premise of the movie involves Hulk playing a wrestler named Rip "Rip 'Em" Taylor Thomas who may appear to be a beefy brute, but beneath all that bleach blond, bronzer and man meat lies a less-tan heart of gold.  An evil businessman named Brell (Kurt Fuller) becomes the new owner of a fledgling television network which is vaguely named, World Television Network, and wants Rip wrestling on his station by any means necessary in order to boost ratings.  When Rip tells him no way, in a scene as pure as the driven snow, Brell offers Rip a blank check and threatens him if he doesn't sign with WTN, Rip crumples the check and shoves it down Brell's throat stating:

Rip:  "...I won't be around when this check clears!" 


Hulk scares the turds out of someone.
 Get it?  That means when the evil guy poops the paper out in the toilet!  Genius!  Brell retaliates by sending some goons to hijack Rip's limo and corner him in a warehouse.  Rip responds by literally jumping a hole through the roof kicking everyone's ass by throwing them against things.  Eventually he is left with just the scared shitless limo driver whom when he yanks him out of the limo, we are shown a giant wet spot on the crying driver's pants.  Rip growls and barks a bunch in the driver's face and then this exchange goes down:

Rip:  "...What's that smell?"
Bawling Limo Driver:  "...Doooookiee."
Rip:  "...Dookie?!?"

Since I think this scene best speaks for itself, check out the literal shittiness below.


When the whole Plan A (aka send skinny guys to beat up a body-builder in cowboy boots) doesn't work, Brell responds by sending in a be-titted mole by the name of Samantha (Joan Severance), who under the guise of being Rip's new boss, half-assedly tries to seduce him by taking him to French restaurants, acting really standoffish and wearing gigantic lacy granny panties to bed once.  Awkward accidental touching, really short shorts and Moonlighting-esque sexual tension ensues.  Thankfully for Samantha and her unmotivated attempts, she had Rip at not fat with tits and didn't need to do much else. 

Hands down, my favorite scene in the film is when Samantha and Rip, who are on a business trip together suddenly find out, WHOOPS, they accidentally booked a hotel room with only one bed.  Awkward.  Samantha, who is understandably distraught, laments about this while hiding in the bathroom meanwhile our ingenious Rip uses a bed sheet and wrist wrapping tape to create a D.Y.I. barrier between them on the bed.  Samantha, playing the part of the coy and uninterested woman, naturally steps out of the bathroom in a lacy bra and pantie set while Rip rivals this with some inappropriate bed wear of his own including a tie dye red tank top and the tiniest red shorts with slits on the side you would ever not want to see on Hulk HoganEver.  After some rom-com jests about sticking to "your side of the bed," Samantha finally falls asleep only to be awoken by Rip shaking the bed while doing push ups in a red thong.  AAAHHH!!  After she complains, Rip jumps back into bed only to break the bed frame and WHOOPS, send Samantha rolling on top of him.  She yells some unnecessary comments about him doing this on purpose and Rip's response is my absolute favorite quote of the movie.

Rip:  "...Just forget it!  No walls are stronger than the ones you've already built!"

They kind of just look like two Bros singing a song.
Psychoanalyzed by Hulk Hogan in bikini underwear.  Does a movie ever get better than that?  After Rip falls for her boobs charms, she suddenly feels remorse and can't go through with the plan.  Brell retaliates against Samantha by doing the most logical follow up, sending a random thug out to rape her in a parking garage.  Don't worry though, because our hero Rip just happens to be stalking her passing by on his Harley, he runs down the would-be rapist and slams him into a tree.  I should mention when doing this Rip says:



Rip: "...It's Harley and me and you in the tree!" 

God, I love this movie.  Since the whole rape fiasco didn't work out, Brell decides instead to start his own wrestling show to court Rip which will be way more hardcore than the pussies on that one wrestling show he's already doing.  Brell finds the answer to his prayers when he visits a piss-stained, white trash dive bar whose entertainment involves hillbillies fighting in a ring until one of them doesn't get back up.  Brell decides to market this kind of "no-holds-barred" fighting match for his network and gives it the limp-dick title, "Battle of the Titans Tough Guys."  Toothless, fat and trashy dudes come from all around to battle in the ring for cash until finally Brell finds his champion, a black male stereotype super tough and violent ex-con by the name of Zeus (Tommy "Tiny" Lister).   

Awkward.
Zeus beats the shit out a bunch of fat dudes for awhile, challenging Rip to a match each time.  Rip, being the noble greased-up tight pants fighter that he is, respectfully declines, that is until Zeus neck punches Rip's little brother and ring-side cheerleader Randy (some dude) into an a ass-beaten coma of some kind.  Though predictable as this plot twist was, what I didn't predict was the moment of sheer ridiculousness of genuine acting our Hulkster would attempt.  He visits Randy, who is comatose in the hospital and by his bedside, squeezes his hand and tries his fucking damnedest to squeeze tears of of his eye holes.  No, as in, REALLY HARD.  He even moans and rubs his brother's hand all over his face.  It's embarrassingly awesome.  At this point Rip obviously decides to take on Zeus and a massive network showdown ensues.

Soon after, many lost their lives in what
became known as the Zeus suit riots.

I don't think I need to give away the obvious outcome, but what you won't expect is the crazy fucking space suit Zeus shows up in.  Unfortunately, he doesn't fight in this thing, which is really too bad because I was looked forward to see how that thing moved in the ring.  If you like shitty movies and I know you do, you should really check out No Holds Barred.  If you aren't convinced yet by what I've said about it already, here are more reasons not previously mentioned that your brain should witness this cinematic monstrosity yourself: Hulk Hogan's wardrobe changes (which include various colors of cowboy boots and spandex pants), the shitty soft rock soundtrack written and sung about characters and situations in the movie, Rip's signature hand signal looks incredibly similar to what's known as "the shocker" and Hulk Hogan cries, speaks French and flies through the roof of a car!!!  Okay, a couple of those I already mentioned, but come on!  It's worth seeing for the dialogue alone so the rest is just a pile of movie turd bonuses!

Rip's Wardrobe Changes: 7
Moments of Palpable Sexual Tension: 6
Skeezy Hogan Smirks: 8
Do-Rags: 4
"The Ripper" aka "The Shocker" Is Flashed: 11
Sports Film Cliches: 9
Dudes Beaten By Zeus: 7
The Caged Little Person Throws Change Into The TV Guys Beer Glass: 3
Rip Defies Gravity: 3
Time Someone Says, "Rip 'Em Rip!": 23
Rip Growls/Grunts: 18
Inappropriately Tight Clothes On Rip: 9
Samantha Falls On Top Of Rip: 2
Hillbillies Make Fun of TV Execs: 10
Samantha Is A Damsel In Distress: 4
Zeus' Lazy Eye Looks At Screen: 4
Poop Is Seen Or Mentioned: 3

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

B-Movie Trailer of the Day

I did PCP once.  I didn't kill anybody, but I did have a really long conversation with Keanu Reeves' character from Point Break (Johnny Utah) that ended awkwardly. 

Sunday, October 31, 2010

TEC Podcast: Mini-Episode 13: Bad Movies vs. Orgasms

 
All Hallow’s Wiener is upon us, Enemaniacs and to celebrate, we recorded a very special mini-episode for Episode 13!  If for some reason you decided to avoid the crowds of dudes dressed up as Justin Bieber and girls dressed up as Snooki tonight, you can curl up for at least forty minutes with us, kind of!

For this special Halloween episode of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast,  the spooky shitty movie we tortured ourselves with was 1988’s non-scary slasher film Hollow Gate about a disturbed dude who decides to kill teenagers every Halloween to get back at his alcoholic father who shoved his face in an apple bobbing bucket as a kid.  Basically.  I guess he also decided to kill his Grandma as well, but in his defense, she did make a very offensive request for a nut cake.  Check out the family fun holiday trailer below.



My brand new guests on this episode are comedian Mike Drucker, who previously wrote for SNL’s Weekend Update, comedian Doug Gale who co-hosts the comedy podcast Delicious Mediocrity as well as cartoonist/illustrator/podcast producer and now forever known as producer of my orgasms, Mark “Pasteyboy” Allender!  Expect a special intro, some awesome quotes, a chicken beat box, unprofessional drunken hi jinks courtesy of me, funnies courtesy of Mike and Doug and finally…an ACTUAL rap courtesy of MarkHAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Campy Horror Movies That (Probably) Won't Creep You Out

In case you just so happen to be the type that prefers camp over creep, here are some of my favorite horror movies you can watch alone and not feel the need to lock a door. 

House (Hausu-original Japanese title) (1977)

This wacky acid-trip of a Japanese ghost horror movie is possibly one of the most bizarre things you will ever see.  It tells the story of a young girl who upon finding out that her widowed father is planning to marry his new girlfriend, decides to spend a summer with her deceased mother's sister who she has never met.  She invites along a group of her wacky schoolmates, all with personality defining nicknames such as Kung Fu (who knows kung fu), Fantasy (who imagines things a lot) and Prof (who wears glasses).  Her Aunt's mansion is old and beautiful and the girls are excited to settle in for a summer in the country side, that is until bizarre shit starts to happen.  This includes dancing skeletons, puking paintings and a floating severed head.  This movie is a must see.  Prepare for some of the weirdest film making your eyeballs have ever witnessed. 

 


Monster Club (1980)
Definitely one of my all time favorite movies, The Monster Club stars veteran horror actor Vincent Price, aka Vince the Prince and/or Vinnie the P as aging vampire Eramus who after attacking a fellow elderly on the streets of London, realizes that the man is none other than R. Chetwynd-Hayes, his favorite horror novelist (played by fellow horror veteran, John Caradine).  After many apologies and assurances he only drank enough of R.'s blood for sustenance rather than for vampiric transformation, he invites the author to his favorite local haunt in order to repay him.  R. agrees in the hopes of meeting some of his writing subjects up close and personal so he may use the valuable information in later novels.  They head over for an evening at the aptly titled, Monster Club where Eramus tells R. three separate tales involving different monsters.  One a film director that stumbles upon a real-life village of ghouls, one about two con artists that attempt to steal from a wealthy Shadmock (a ghoul hybrid) and one goofy story involving a boy growing up with a vampire for a father and which also stars Donald Pleaseance.  The stories are broken up in between with musical performances at the club such a new wave vampire band that sings, "I'm Just a Sucker For Your Love" and a stripper who strips down to her bones.  It's pretty fucking awesome.  If you can find the Thriller Video version with Elvira as the host, it's even better!   

 


The Suckling (1990)

Not based on a true story nor any logical form of science, I'm not sure if this movie has a subtle political motive behind it, either way it's still pretty hilarious.  The Suckling tells the story of a teenage couple who visit a back alley abortion clinic which also happens to be in a whore house.  The girl chickens out last minute, so her boyfriend naturally drugs her and has the abortion performed while she is out.  Nice.  The fetus is dropped down the toilet where it comes in contact with toxic waste and rises back out of the toilet, into the whore house and begins to kill everything in it's path.  It even eventually envelops the entire place in it's own giant womb.  Whatever your thoughts on the whole abortion thing, this is pretty great stuff.  Funnier to me even, is that when you type this film into IMDb, it suggest the movie Juno as another film you may want to watch.  Ha!




 


Frankenhooker (1990)
This wacky sci-fi rom com is about Jersey medical school drop out Jeff, who is obsessed with the possibility of reanimating the dead and is given the golden opportunity when his fiancee is accidentally mauled to death by his own invention, a remote-controlled lawn mower.  He decides to try and bring his lady love back from the dead and in order to do so, keeps her severed head alive until he can find the perfect body.  He eventually settles on the body parts of hookers whom he kills by tempting them with a "super crack" drug he invented which causes them all to explode.  Unfortunately, after his new girlfriend is stitched up, her body parts are up to their old "tricks" (pun) and Jeff must find her and stop her from selling her new body on the street, which by the way, accidentally kills dudes with it's electrified limbs.  Not only that, but he has a really buff pimp on his tale and the police.  What is a wacky Jersey scientist to do?  


 


Bio-Zombie (1998)

Hong Kong's very own Dawn of the Dead, Bio-Zombie is about two losers who spend their days hocking cheap electronics at their local mall and then are suddenly thrust into the midst of a zombie invasion.  A government weapon disguised as a simple soft drink, actually contains bio-chemical weapons that turn whoever drinks it into flesh-eating zombies.  Our two mall rats come across a car accident where the victim is carrying the brief case with the drink.  Thinking he needs something to drink, the two idiots force the drink down the man's throat who eventually becomes a zombie and follows them back to the mall.  Then, not surprisingly, mall goers start dropping and then rising left and right and it's up to our two non-heroes to get out alive along with the girls they both have a boner for.  Full of martial arts and wacky moments including a video-game type intro for the characters when they battle the zombies, Bio-Zombie is a fun and different sort of zombie movie with plenty of random laughs and a surprisingly dark ending.





Elvira, Mistress of the Dark  (1988)

This campy horror comedy is possibly my favorite movie of all time.  Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the big-screen debut of horror hostess, Elvira (aka Cassandra Peterson) who while in dire need for money to fund her upcoming Vegas show, coincidentally hears of her Great Aunt Morgana's death and journeys to the small town of Falwell, Massachusetts in the hopes of gaining a large inheritance.  Unfortunately, not only does her car break down forcing her to stay in the quaint boring ass town, but she learns her only inheritance is a shitty old house, a poodle and a family recipe book.  Her Great Uncle Vincent, a pretty smarmy devilish dude, seems rather perturbed he did not receive the book himself and tries to persuade Elvira to sell it.  Initially she agrees, but after discovering her mother and aunt were actually witches and her mother was killed by Vincent in order to obtain the recipe book (which is actually a book of ancient spells), Elvira refuses, starting a battle with the powerful Vincent.  Not only does our lovely heroine have to deal with a creepy warlock of a Uncle, but the Morality Club of Falwell is fixing to get her out by any means necessary.  Stew pot monsters, sexual innuendos and boobs galore!  Okay, maybe the boobs are covered most of the time, but Elvira not only raps in the film, but she also performs her famous nipple tassel twirling routine!  Sold!  This movie was a staple at every slumber party I ever had growing up.  No wonder girls started thinking I was a lesbian once I hit middle school.