Wednesday, December 29, 2010

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library *Horrible Holidays Edish*

By technicality, this is neither a film nor a "horror" movie per se, but I have to include this for this simple fact that this thing is in fact filmed and will in fact terrify you.  In 1994, the geniuses behind The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Christmas Special (I think) and other boring/horrifying bullshit got together and said, "Hey, is it just me, or are the turtles green?"  "Yes," replied one of Satan's minions.  "Who here doesn't smell a Christmas special?"  Yes.  It's 1994's WE WISH YOU A TURTLE CHRISTMAS, the live-action thirty minute Christmas special created with a couple of retarded kids, a shitty set and a bunch of low paid actors in FRIGHTENING prosthetic suits with giant heads. 

Never before has it been more apparent that turtles don't have teeth and Splinter is a GIANT rat.  Somehow the cartoons nor the films nailed these facts into my brain as crystal clear as this video.  Each spine-chilling thirty minutes of this shit-fest includes Christmas songs re-worked to include pizza references and fake Jamaican accents, glassy-eyed idiot children with fake dirt smeared on their face and of course a rap...about wrapping presents (see the video below).  *Shiver*  Though this only came out on VHS and is no longer available other than on Ebay, luckily some masochist uploaded the entire thing in parts on YouTube.  I'm serious.  Watch at your own risk and sweet Jesus, be sure you're sober first.

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