Thursday, December 23, 2010

Nevermind, Rewind Movie Of The Week

This movie came out of a suggestion from a customer at the video store I work at.  That by itself isn't very convincing to me usually, but this guy seemed to have a decent general knowledge of horror movies and went on for awhile in detail how "surprisingly good" the movie turned out to be.  The minute I got this turd home and it started running on my DVD player, I was very aware that this customer was most likely some alien in a person-like meat suit filled with bullshit and lies and/or a human man who goes around video stores and suggests the shot-on-video "movie" his cousin made.  2006's TWO FRONT TEETH promises to be about a vampiric Santa Claus (Clausferatu) who has gone rogue, is attacking some small town with an army of elf zombies and the only one who can save the day is a trash journalist that has been raving about such Christmas conspiracy from the beginning.  What ACTUALLY happens is the marital problems of a neurotic plastic-faced rag writer and his wife (what's the deal with straight to video actresses from the 2000's always being plain-faced white ladies with highlights and rum raisin lipstick BTW?) who is getting banged by some other dude she works with at "X-Mart" and some pointy-eared, devil-faced gimps that bite people.  Or at least that's as far as I got. 

This movie suffers from a lot of the bullshit that most straight-to-DVD movies from the late 90's and general 2000's have.  It TRIES to be shitty.  Listen, when you already have a piss poor budget, one set and four actors who are clearly just your friends, your movie is already SHITTY.  You don't have to try to make shitty happen where shitty is born.  I'm all for not taking your movie seriously, but if you don't have enough money to make computer generated gun shots, than DON'T.  Just use fake blood and prosthetics like everyone else.  It looks better and there is a lovable/laughable aspect of honest attempts at good when turd is all that can be achieved.

That general statement to HD-Camera owners everywhere aside, the big mistake of this movie that made me hate it from the start is that it shows the elf/gimp/vampire people (which is clearly where any budget money went other than accessories from Claire's Boutique) are shown in the opening credits and then constantly there after.  Did you assholes never see Jaws or anything ever with monsters or creepy things as the antagonist?  Basically this shit fest blew it's load all over my face in the first five minutes and rather than hand me a sock or something, it just expected for me to sit there and let it dry.  No thanks TWO FRONT TEETH, I'm a lady.  Sorry.  I've never been very good with analogies.   

No comments:

Post a Comment