Saturday, July 31, 2010

The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library

As previously stated, I can't pass up something brightly colored for a dollar.  Especially if that something happens to be a brightly colored, VHS tape with shark attacks, man boobs or large font on the front, because honestly, the size of the font matters (wah, wah). as a regular installment on TEC, I give you different movies from my film collection that people wonder how and why the fuck I own!  Prepared to be AMAZED with ACTUAL photos of ACTUAL things I ACTUALLY spent a dollar (sometimes up to $3) on!  Though that title is catchy, to avoid hurting my crooked frail lady pinkies with all those CAPS, let's just call this one...The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library.

I Am Not a Freak (1987)

I confess.  I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle!  I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it!  I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it, is in fact, a freak!  Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat.  Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or choices, shut up fat lady!).  It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by Robin Williams in the classic, Jack).  Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay! 

Also, a two-headed man, a man suffering from grape-face Elephantiasis and the aforementioned lazy asshole 600 pound woman!  The best part of this film is the opening in which the narrator, possibly from those starving children in not America commercials, properly warns the viewer of the shocking FREAKS they are about to see.  Wait, are they or aren't they?  If you can find this somewhere, I say watch and judge for yourself.  Plus, in the comfort of your own home, no one can judge you for judging the disabled.


"You have the right to remain disgustin'..."

For your listening enjoyment, I give you the first ever podcast episode of The Enematic Cinematic, your
Live fat, die hard
guide to the watchable worst of video store cinema!  In this very special inaugural episode, we delve into the deeper questions of life, death, should you change that sweat stained muscle tee or is air drying okay and most importantly whether you can or can't keep a good cop dead.

With me on this favor journey are local indie filmmaker Jason Ryan (real adult feelings) and global film blogger Colin Thiel (aint no snob)!  Together we all know a thing or two about a thing or two.  So please, sit back, sip your cold refreshing brew (you may want to drink through this one) and enjoy our reflections and revelations on the buddy zombie cop classic, 1988's Dead Heat.  Also, R.I.P. Joe Piscopo Phil Hartman...

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If for some reason you want to, check out our Podcast Site at

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Since clearly, shitty video viewing and analyzation is more of a audio medium, I present THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC PODCAST!  I, unnotable non-movie-expert will be hosting a new episode each week (in theory) centering around a different specific B-movie turd!  Each episode I will force my friends, acquaintances and whoever else I can bribe with beer to watch an awful movie, after which we will lament our woes or express gratitude via the podcast.  Weekly installments will include, "What Did You Learn From This Movie?", "Favorite Quotes", "Tallys (see Hard Ticket to Hawaii tally post)", "Name From The Credits That Sounds Like a Dick" and MORE!  So come and let me be your guide on a cinematic journey into the world of (rightfully) undiscovered cinema!

First up, the mildy charming 1988's DEAD HEATPiscoponian performances galore!  Plus, average looking women!  Plus, unexplained, two-faced fat biker zombies!  Though usually TEC sucks at foreplay, we'll give you a little something to get you in the mood...


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

The Great (Sort of) VHS Cover Art Swindle!

Not unlike a dog and squirrels or "challenged" people and shiny things, I am easily aroused entertained by VHS cover art.  In this new fangled, better version of photo-shop, digital world we live, it has truly become a lost medium.  From literal depictions of film titles to guys with guns in front of explosions to half naked women falling victim to something (come on, you should have known being thin with boobs was a poor adult decision), these masterpieces were the selling point of every straight to video turd.  If the stars weren't notable, the hackey video art was the only way to draw in a viewer.  Unfortunately, this leads to several instances of false advertising.  Picking movies by art alone is sort of a video store Russian roulette, except rather than shooting yourself in the face, you free up an hour and a half of your evening.  Both are equally awkward.  Viewer beware, here are some prime examples of the times I've been straight up bullshitted by VHS cover art.

Dream Maniac (1986)

I'm not sure why I was pulled in by this one...actually, I know.  There is a bald lady getting all stabby with a giant knife on the front!  Also, a warning of "too gory for the silver screen"!  Also, naked people! According to the back cover, the plot involves a heavy metal musician who sells his soul to a devil lady, I'm sorry, a "succubus" in exchange for getting girls.   Sounds awesome, right?  Book of lies!  In real life, the movie is about a boring dude who likes heavy metal that invites some friends over to his house for a party or something.  Oh wait, before they come over his boring guy boner brings forth a devil woman that he dreams about having sex with.  Then said average looking succubus in tight clothes goes around the party and starts killing people off.  Despite a blow job turning into a dick eating scene (which I saw coming, PUN!), the kills aren't that great.  Another missing plot point, the main character guy has a girlfriend so there goes the whole hooking up with chicks thing.  Also, you just can't wait for all these assholes at the party to be killed.  There is blood and there are boobs, but it's hardly worth it.  Dead giveaways this was to be avoided, the shitty tag line, the Elm Street rip-off tie-in and most obvious, note regarding "made-for-video feature film."  Like I said, the knife looked shiny!           

Mutant Hunt (1987)

In the future, man creates replicants mutants, mutants are inputted with microchips by one smart and or super mutant and turned into killers.  This is no bueno, so man must start an elite force of cops known as Blade Runners Mutant Hunters to retire murder all the free-thinking, advanced mutants.  Sounds vaguely familiar, plus, giant robot arm!  Let's rent it!  Though this movie starts out well enough...the special mutant hunter cop is at home with a lady and a bunch of cock blocking mutants drop in to kill him.  He shoots them and kicks them all dead (the action isn't as cool as I just made it sound) and then his lady gets shot.  Turns out, she was just a mutant prostitute so he doesn't really care.  This is followed by more wooden acting, bad shooting skills, long pauses and dark, un-futuristic sets all filmed in different corners of the same parking garage.  No robot arm and no real gore.  I turned it off after forty minutes though, so maybe it picks up near the middle.  If you notice any similarities to Dream Maniac, it's because they were produced by the same people.  These guys know how to bullshit a simple mind.  I mean look at the robot arm, it's SO big!  Pass this one if for some reason you come across it. 

Spookies (1986)

A young boy runs away from home because he thinks his family forgot his birthday.  He ends up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should.  A group of thirty year-olds teenagers are on a road trip and take a wrong turn.  They end up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should.  Are they all there to spend a night and win a bet?  No.  Is their host murdered and they suspect each other as they all drop one by one until the mystery is solved?  No.  Are Vincent Price or Tim Curry involved at all?  Possibly.  This movie was apparently an excuse to do a lot of puppet work and make-up jobs.  All that trouble and it turns out okay, I guess.  The blond on the cover does not show until the end and she is fully covered and some one's wife.  The movie itself is a lot of, what the fuck is going on?  According to the Internet, this film was originally shot as two separate films and then expertly edited together.  Some things explode, quips are made, girls get scared and ashy hands come out of the ground.  Meh.  Sitting through the "teenage" couple dialogue and the supposed plot as a filler every ten minutes between each possessed granny/cat creature starts to wear on your nerves, even if booze are involved. 

Robot Ninja (1989)

I probably don't have to explain this one.  Robot?  Check.  Ninja?  Check.  Comic book artist is given the powers of his creation by a scientist who wants to help him robot ninja kill a gang of local rapists?  Fucking check.  Anything like it promises to be whatsoever?  Uncheck!  Uncheck!  A shitty struggling comic artist witnesses a couple being killed and the girl half of them getting brutally molested in the parking lot of a bowling alley or video store or something.  He feels bad about this.  Possibly because he thinks rape and murder are gross.  Possibly because he did absolutely nothing at all to help.  Either way, a friend of his builds a Shredder/VR Trooper suit for him so he can get the jerks back with some sharp robot ninja revenge.  Turns out, though he inadvertently through a series of chain events gets at least one of them killed, he mostly gets his ass beaten, becomes addicted to pills and gets his scientist friend killed eventually.  Robot Ninja FAIL

Thunder Warrior (1983)

A young Italian Native American man returns home to his reservation to find the asshole white locals are building a mall on an ancient native burial ground.  Though the land is theirs (all of it) and the tribe has a treaty to prove it, the townsfolk are not letting up.  Our hero attempts to peacefully negotiate with a one man sit-in at the police station and instead is met with beatings and racial slurs.  The point of the movie is he exacts revenge on these deserving racist hillbillies.  The problem is, this revenge takes an hour to start happening.  I understand it was the same in First Blood (aka Rambo), but our Italian Stallion Thunder Warrior barely says a word throughout the whole fucking movie.  The story is mostly told through the eyes of the somewhat less racist white sheriff who is in fact, not Brian Dennehy!  Though some damage is eventually committed with a bow and arrow (obviously), it just takes WAY too painfully long to get there with no actual back story of the main character like, I don't know, a tour in Nam or something?  Somehow this movie managed to spawn several sequels with different Italian leads and different sweet covers.  Maybe I'll skip to the third one next time. 

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1985)

This ambitious 80's sci-fi musical (yes, I said sci-fi) starred some actual familiar faces.  Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed) and that spunky petite pixie Pia Zadora (stuff).  Robot alien things land on Earth in search of "the rock and roll" and instead, find these assholes and their friends dancing on the beach.  This movie promises camp and instead delivers awkward boring dance sequences and some of the most painful fake alien dialogue you will ever sit through.  I'm not lying.  It hurts SO bad.  Also, Pia looks like she could be her boyfriend's mom.  If she was, at least they would actually have something to sing about.  Oh yeah and did I mention Jermaine Jackson as in Michael's older brother is in it?  When Jermaine Jackson saves your shitberg of a film, you've got some serious problems.  But Jesus, isn't Pia Zadora totally adorable?!?

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Originally released in 3-D, this sci-fi western epic doesn't translate as watchable in two dimensions.  I'm not even sure if it was cool when shit flying at the screen actually had a point.  After three separate attempts to sit through it, I've never gotten past the first twenty minutes.  I hear Bull from Night Court is in it, so it's got that going for it.  Understandably, booze are always involved when this thing goes in the ol' VCR/DVD combo, but even the black and white High Noon could keep my drunken attention.  Perhaps I'll revisit this review once I actually watch it. 

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

This one got me less on cover art and more based on the story line.  KISS plays a concert at a theme park that unbeknownst to KISS is run by a diabolical mad man that plans on killing everyone with his faulty rides or possibly lasers!  KISS must stop this!  If fans die, who will pay for their Herpes medication?  They've got bills man!  What really happens is a couple of average teens hang out with friends and we follow them around, watching part of the KISS concert and stumbling upon the mad park owner's mad park laboratory.  It's like a dog-less, weed-less, jankies-less Scooby-Doo episode.  The part the KISS participates in, which involves the kicking of the mad park manager with their high heels is amusing, but the hour and a half before that happens is SO goddamn boring!  If you must rent this on camp factor or if, God help you, you're a KISS fan, then fast forward to the end.  You won't miss anything.

Dead Dudes in the House (1991)

Ah, the best for last.  This film was the most egregious of all offenders.  Why?  Because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on the cover is in the movie.  Except maybe a house.  There is one of those.  So, if you think, as I did, that you're renting a campy flick about Color Me Badd going on a haunted, wacky vacation then you would be so wrong.  This piece of shit was brought to us by none other than hit and miss Troma Films. Not a single one of the "dudes" on the cover is in the movie.  It is actually a co-ed group of average twenty somethings who are definitely NOT in a band. Pretty much Troma picked up the distribution rights to a boring slasher/haunted house cliche and tried to re-roll the turd in a more agreeable turd cover in order to make money on it.  Well, I suppose it worked on some level because I, in fact, did waste my money on this simply due to the ironic 90's packaging.  I was so pissed when I watched this thing that I thought about writing some passive aggressive e-mail complaint to Troma about false advertising and how I wanted my five dollars (okay, more like three) back.  After I had a nap and ate some pudding though, I felt much better. 

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Sickening Summer Cinema Part One: Killer Campouts

Ew, who beefed?
Since that beer, barbeque, B.O bus ride season is upon us (okay, let's be honest, it's always B.O. season in public transportation), I decided to make a short list of some of my favorite killer camp movies.  You won't find the obvious on here such as Friday the 13th or Sleepaway Camp.  Not because I'm painfully hip and non-conformist, but because everyone knows about those films simply because they are good.  In fact, anyone who cares enough to read a blog about shitty movies like myself, probably owns these on DVD already in some "Unhappy Camper" pack or something (and I do).  No, no my friends.  Here at TEC, we go for the gutter. 

Okay Tommy, truth or dare?
Actually, in an ironic twist of fate, I acquired my 3-Pack of Sleepaway Camp from an acquaintance of mine.  He borrowed it from a friend so we could drink some beers and watch the movies at my house some summer years ago.  That's of course not the ironic part.  The ironic part was that we didn't finish them all, so he left the pack at my house intending to pick it up at some point.  A month or so later, he was killed in a freak canoe accident on a lake.  Since I had no idea who his friend was that owned the movies, I still have them.  A camper's curse?  Probably not.  A devastating tragedy as opposed to actual irony?  Most likely.  Too much information?  Definitely.  I tend to do that a lot.

Anyway...back to the here are some of my favorite random killer camp/summer slasher flicks not a whole hell of a lot of people have seen.  Seek and enjoy.

Cheerleader Camp (1988)

Cheerleader Camp, which was originally titled Bloody Pom Poms (SO much better), stars Betsy Russell (Avenging Angel), Lucinda Dickey (Breakin' 1 and Electric Bugaloo), Leif Garrett (rehab and the seventies) and eventual porn star Teri Weigel (Anal Obsession, American Bukkake 7).  The story is fairly simple, cheerleaders, one of their boyfriends and a funny fat guy go to cheerleading camp so they can lay around in bikinis, have sex with each other and pass the spirit stick which is just having more sex with each other.  None of that happens in this movie except the bikinis part.  Alison (Russell) is plagued by strange nightmares in which she murders people.  After she arrives at camp, people start being murdered.  Is Alison the killer?  Is Leif Garrett balding in high school?  Spoiler alert: The answer to one of those questions is yes.

Berserker (1987)

If it's not fairly obvious, I love horror movies.  Especially if they cost $1.  I purchased Berserker (aka: Berserker: The Nordic Curse, to avoid confusion from fanboys) from my local Hollywood Video when they were clearing out their VHS section.  Turns out, it has nothing to do with Wolverine killing people and everything to do with Vikings.  Okay, not everything.  The premise is teenage or twenty somethings decide to vacation at a campground one of them went to a lot as a kid.  The campground is owned by full-of-the-ol'-gee-whiz Pappy.  Pappy is Norwegian.  This only matters because at some point, he tells some old timey urban legend about a Viking warrior that wears a bear poncho and kills people.  Sometimes you should listen to old people.  Especially if the story involves Vikings and knives.  Sidenote: Pappy is played by veteran in everything character actor, George "Buck" Flower.  He also plays "Pop" in Cheerleader Camp.

Blood Lake (1987)

Oh, old man maniac, you slay me!  Too soon?  Anyway, so a group of teenagers, some younger than fifteen, somehow are allowed to go camping unsupervised by parents.  This turns out to be good for the parents since if they had come along, they only would have been stabbed anyway.  This gem is filmed on a hand-held video camera so don't bother playing it on your HD VCR. I'm pretty sure the stars of this film, including the break out child actor portraying "Tony," never went on to become legitimate porno stars like Teri Weigel, (see Droppin' Loads 2) but sometimes in this business you just don't got it.  If you like water skiing and steak knives, check out Blood Lake (getting 12 year-olds drunk since that time they made it).

Edge of the Axe (1988)

Turns out, horror movies rip off other horror movies.  This happens a lot, but it's hard to avoid when almost everything has been done (until Human Centipede).  Rather than hurting your brain meats being creative, it's easier to just stick with a formula you know works.  Everyone is scared of a dude in a mask with an axe, right?  This movie was sort of a rip-off coleslaw of both Halloween and Friday the 13th.  The watchable difference with this rip-off is it opens with a lady getting axed to death in a car wash.  Watch worthy.  The story surrounds one summer in a peaceful little do-nothing town where the all American citizens are being cut up by an axe-wielding maniac, but WHO is it?  Is it the twitchy sheriff?  The bartender's daughter?  The escaped lunatic?  Or the scantily-clad man-voiced female bar patron?  Who knows.  What I do know is this movie has talking computers that invented instant messaging before it was invented.  Edge of the Axe just may have broken new ground in computer technology!  Also, there is a good twist ending (unlike Signs) I never saw coming.   

The Willies (1990)

So technically this film is not a traditional killer camp/summer slasher.  People are killed though and poodles are microwaved.  You actually may have seen this one, the toilet monster in it scared the shit out of me as a kid, and there are a couple well-known actors.  The Willies stars Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin (Encino Man) and Kimmy Robertson, favorer of refrigerator note film titles (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead).  Three kids, related by blood, go camping out in the woods.  Whilst in the dark, rabid-raccoon-infested forest alone, they attempt to freak each other out by telling scary fictional and true (unconfirmed) stories about killer janitors (I always wondered what Steve Coozer kept in that broom closet) and exploding dogs.  Though it may not give you "the willies" as an adult, I still can't watch that dog scene.  Of course, that could just be because I'm a girl and we do things like a girl.  

Mosquito (1995)

Another treasure I acquired for a mere dollar (before tax), The Mosquito is an unexpectedly watchable movie.  It's also an orgy of genres including horror, sci-fi, comedy, romance and nature films.  The Mosquito starts with the crash landing of an alien ship in s possibly national park somewhere in America.  An average earthling mosquito decides to suck the alien blood from a dead, or I guess just dying, alien's arm.  Instead of the dead alien becoming Zombie Mosquito Man doing whatever a Zombie Mosquito Man can, the mosquito becomes a giant alien killer mosquito and begins sucking buckets of blood out of camping tourists!  Then more mosquitoes suck more mutating alien blood and more tourists get drained!  The film stars Gunnar Hansen better known as the original "Leatherface" of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series and some other people.  Some of the jokes are actually funny and the mosquito puppet is surprisingly good plus, alien mutant blood!

There you have it.  Now, instead of doing outdoorsy active things in that burning bright warmth called "the sun", stay cool indoors with a refreshing brew and enjoy these delightful turds available (probably not) at a video store near you.

Like a fine wine.
Or just download Teri Weigel's Masterbation Nation 4.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)
Dir. Andy Sidaris
Genre: Action

Episode 1: This Ain't No Hulu!

Since this is my inaugural bad movie viewing and reviewing post on The Enematic Cinematic, I decided to go balls to the wall. In this spirit, I give you Hard Ticket to Hawaii. This cinematic turd was written and directed by not so famous director Andy Sidaris. His work includes other pillars of an exercise in restraint such as Malibu Express, Picasso Trigger and the classic crime thriller Savage Beach. If you think you know the entire plot from the cover art alone, well, you kind of do, but the extra WTF stuff are why this son of a bitch is a must-see to believe.

Ah, my hibiscus!
Hard Ticket, released in 1987 and shot on location in Molokai, Hawaii, tells the pulse-pounding tale of two blond, big-breasted drug enforcement agents working for “The Agency”, Donna (played by March 1984 Playmate of the Month, Dona Speir) and Taryn (played by July 1985 Playmate of the Month, Hope Marie Carlton). Actually, Taryn is not really an agent (nor is she very big-breasted), but a civilian relocated by the witness protection program after witnessing some unrevealed (or more likely, not bothered to be written) mob related crime. After assuming a new identity, she is sent to work alongside Donna on the island of Molokai at an Agency-paid cover operation, the inconspicuous Molokai Cargo. The jist of the plot revolves arould the girls confiscating a baggie they find in a remote control helicopter whilst out drug enforcing.  This baggie turns out to be filled with diamonds.  Then, aerola!  They stumble upon a secret diamond funded, British, Japanese, possibly partially Cuban fueled drug ring!  The remainder of the film involves them running around in cowboy boots, half shirts and heels as they are pursued by the drug lord’s thugs, man-faced female enforcer and one giant, sweaty hand puppet cancer snake.
The film opens with what else, a shot of a wet girl in a bikini. I don't think we're in Hawaii yet, I think we're supposed to be in California. Maybe. It's never explained, but once again, not really necessary in order for the plot to poop along. We are introduced to some of the video cover models, Donna (Dona Speir) and Rowdy (Ron Moss aka The Lips aka Ridge Forrester of The Bold and the Beautiful). Yes. His name is Rowdy. I thought I heard it wrong the first time too. Thank God I was wrong. It becomes much more ironic later. Also introduced is the first Andy Sidaris other-movies-plug.

What are those for?
We learn key elements of the characters story lines such as, drug enforcement is no job for a girl like Donna and Rowdy has better things to do with his body temperature, but the most telling thing we will learn from the opening sequence is you better get used to Donna's wide spread cleavage and giant areolae because you are going to be seeing a lot of them for the next hour. A lot. You may be distracted in this scene, but take a moment to notice how completely uncomfortable Rowdy is at not only the site of her boobs, but when she presses those sexy meat bags against him. It's almost as if he's grossed out a bit. Granted, this could be because they are very 80's boobies, but I like to think that it is because his character is a closeted gay. This will become less and less subtle throughout the movie. Also, I should mention the first of many elements of misinformation from the VHS tape cover art. Don't be fooled, Rowdy Abilene is NOT the leading man.

Nevermind the outfit, what the fuck is that belt?
Hard Ticket not only boasts a cast of Playboy Playmates and a "hunky" soap opera "star", but also the winner of Miss Gay America 1977 (true) and Miss Fitness USA 1980something (undetermined). The greatest part of the movie is while the plot seems fairly straight forward, there are several side story what the fuck bits and pieces that make this turd a true video store treasure. Here is a list of my top six favorites. 

6. Rowdy’s Ambiguous Sexuality

The guy looking hunky on the video cover art is Rowdy (Pouty) Abilene, played by soap opera star Ron Moss. He is a secret agent or something. Either way, it doesn’t matter much since he’s only in less than half of the film. The only contribution he makes with his little arms and awkward smile is racist Bruce Lee impressions, blowing up a blow-up doll and a whole lot of, “wait, is he gay?” moments. Maybe it's the way he holds his gun.  Maybe it's the way he says things like, "...Sounds like Seths playing harball in your backyard..." and then winks at his buff friend Jade.  Maybe it's just that he's too damn pretty to be wasted on marriage and kids.  I just don't know.  There is a great scene with Donna and Taryn at Donna’s place where they shamelessly plug Sidaris’ other films. They begin discussing Cody Abilene, star of Malibu Express. On a personal side note, I did attempt to watch this film. I’d rather not talk about it.

Taryn: ...He and Rowdy are cousins right?”
Donna: ....Yeah, they’re both adorable, but just a little flaky, you know?”


Somehow Donna, I don’t think that was the word you were looking for.

5. Old Lady Pillow Talk

For a film filled with boobs, cunnilingus banter, soft core sex scenes and cancer snakes, you’d think they wouldn’t shy away from certain sexual terms or innuendo, but they SO do. It’s like certain parts of the dialogue were written by a seventy year-old woman. Bad guys are often referred to as “creeps”, “jerks” and “turkeys."  Drug lord Seth Romero chastises his thugs, who just lost a bag of diamonds, with the the ever-popular amongst criminals ,“dummies" put down (Tony Montana impression FAIL).  In one scene, Taryn rightfully questions Donna about Rowdy’s penis, but asks, “How’s his stuff?” Stuff? This lady doesn’t own a single bra or full-length shirt and she can’t say dick? Another great moment involves Donna making a joke about James Bond coming to save them, after which he would “…casually stroll in and jump our bones.” Whoa mom, you’re making me uncomfortable. By far, the best example of this, is a scene after which we endure an unnecessary romantic beach montage involving Taryn and some dude named Jimmy John. Taryn receives a call on a spy stick from Donna asking what she’s been doing. Taryn responds, “...I’m pretending to be a mere receptacle for Jimmy John’s desires.” Is that a grandma way of saying cum bucket?

4. Ashley the Rapey Maitre’d

The real charmer of this film is Ashley, the really rapey maitre’d working at Agency contact spot, a restaurant called Edy’s. We are introduced to the dashing Ashley when a woman strolls into the restaurant.

Ashley: ...Hey, Charlotte baby where have you been? I haven’t seen you around in awhile.”
Charlotte: ...I’m just a working girl. This joint is too expensive for me.”
Ashley: ...You can eat at my joint anytime…for free.”
Charlotte: ...That makes me want to be a vegetarian.”

You will come to find that rapey Ashley loves food-related sexual innuendo. Oh, and cunnilingus. That too. There are plenty of scenes here and there of him slapping server's asses and one in particular where he fondles and introduces one waitress' boobs.  Classy.  In another scene, Donna and Taryn decide to swing by Edy’s in tight tops after being roughed up at their place by a couple of panty-hose faced goons. Naturally, Ashley comforts them.

Ashley: ...I’m going to give you two the best seat in the house.”
Taryn: ...Oh and where is that?”
Ashley: ...You can sit right here on my face.”
Donna: ...Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?”

Oh shit, dawg. SICK BURN!

3. Cunnilingus Anyone?

The characters in this film are obsessed with cunnilingus jokes and banter.  At one point, Rowdy and Donna head off to some bungalow or something to have sex with his jock on. Afterwards, he gazes into her cavernous cleavage and she asks, “...What are you feeling?” Weird.  To which he replies, “...One man’s dream, is another man’s lunch.” Whoa...gross. When the “lovers” return from this tryst (I should also mention during the sex scene, Rowdy keeps moaning really loudly.  Donna asks him to keep it down. Oh, so THIS is why they call him Rowdy. Not because he kicks ass and makes some noise, but because he screams during sex) Taryn and Jade ask what took them so long. Rowdy replies, “...We stopped for a bite to eat.” The jokes don’t end there! Since Taryn and Jade heard the moaning the whole time, Taryn jokes, “...Well maybe you should chew your food a little quieter next time.” Chew? Jesus.

The best WTF cunnilingus remark is provided by none other than our good friend, Ashley the Rapey Maitre’d, isn't that almost sing-songy?  In the best of Ashley’s rapey best, there is a scene with him and the director of the film, Sidaris (who makes an uncomfortably long cameo as a sleazy TV director, named Whitey) where Ashley lets the guy know to keep his hands off Pattycakes, the restaurant’s hottest server.

Ashley: ....Hey Whitey, you go down on her and you’re going to be kissing the back of my head ‘cause I’m already going to be there.”


2. Man-face!

I'll have the Mangarita and a Man Tai, please.
Though the film is littered with manly-faced women (see tally below), such as female enforcer Rosie, pool swimmer this lady and I’m going to say it, Donna herself, the best of the best is Michelle, the man-faced bartender at Edy’s. The minute she comes on screen, you’re like, what? Are you kidding me? That is not a woman. I know it’s the 80’s and everyone loves hair and pink, but that is a drag queen.  Needless to say, no spoilers will be revealed here, but in a film showcasing a variety of handsome ladies, Michelle the man-faced bartender takes the man-faced cake!

1. Cancer Snake!
Wait, you're telling me I've got cancer?
Of all the side stories and plot fillers in the cinematic world, this one is amazing. There is a snake in a crate at the cargo bay at the beginning of the film that is not only labeled, DANGEROUS and CAUTION, but also CONTAMINATED! Thankfully this label attached to a flimsy string gets knocked off in the warehouse and the snake is mistakenly loaded onto Donna and Taryn’s cargo plane. The “contamination” turns out to be “...deadly toxins from cancer-ridden infested rats.” I know! Though this scenario seems important at first, it sort of gets forgotten amongst ninja stars, skateboard assassins with blow-up dolls, secret sandwich messages and Donna’s aerolae. Don’t worry though, the pay off in the end truly delivers. Here’s the scene below. Though you may think it will ruin the movie to watch it, it doesn’t. There’s SO much, much more sweet ass nuggets I haven't even touched on.

Overall, I found this film to be extremely watchable. At least once anyway. I’ve left out several one-liners and scenes of Donna’s boobs that you can only get by viewing this masterpiece at home.  I sort of compare watching this film to my first time. I expected it to be an awkward, short, cheap thrill, but instead in turned into an uncomfortably long experience, coupled with moments of laughter and disappointment which ultimately left me with many unanswered questions, but yet a feeling of accomplishment. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

Naked Pairs of Breasts: 8
Naked Chests: 9
Pairs of Aviator Shades: 13
Martial Arts Weapons: 7
Explosions: 3
Helicopters: 3
Man-faced Women: 4
James Bond Name Drops: 7
Boobs Assaulted by Champagne Flutes: 1
Hawaiian Shirts: 16
Razor Blade Frisbees: 1
Half Shirts: 7
Camel Toe: 1
Sumo Wrestlers: 2
Looks Into the Camera: 5
Blow-up Dolls: 1
Cancerous Snakes: 1
Andy Sidaris Other Movies Plugs: 6