Episode 1: This Ain't No Hulu!
|What are those for?|
|Nevermind the outfit, what the fuck is that belt?|
Donna: “....Yeah, they’re both adorable, but just a little flaky, you know?”
4. Ashley the Rapey Maitre’d
The real charmer of this film is Ashley, the really rapey maitre’d working at Agency contact spot, a restaurant called Edy’s. We are introduced to the dashing Ashley when a woman strolls into the restaurant.
Ashley: “...Hey, Charlotte baby where have you been? I haven’t seen you around in awhile.”
Charlotte: “...I’m just a working girl. This joint is too expensive for me.”
Ashley: “...You can eat at my joint anytime…for free.”
Charlotte: “...That makes me want to be a vegetarian.”
Ashley: “...I’m going to give you two the best seat in the house.”
Taryn: “...Oh and where is that?”
Donna: “...Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?”
3. Cunnilingus Anyone?
The characters in this film are obsessed with cunnilingus jokes and banter. At one point, Rowdy and Donna head off to some bungalow or something to have sex with his jock on. Afterwards, he gazes into her cavernous cleavage and she asks, “...What are you feeling?” Weird. To which he replies, “...One man’s dream, is another man’s lunch.” Whoa...gross. When the “lovers” return from this tryst (I should also mention during the sex scene, Rowdy keeps moaning really loudly. Donna asks him to keep it down. Oh, so THIS is why they call him Rowdy. Not because he kicks ass and makes some noise, but because he screams during sex) Taryn and Jade ask what took them so long. Rowdy replies, “...We stopped for a bite to eat.” The jokes don’t end there! Since Taryn and Jade heard the moaning the whole time, Taryn jokes, “...Well maybe you should chew your food a little quieter next time.” Chew? Jesus.
The best WTF cunnilingus remark is provided by none other than our good friend, Ashley the Rapey Maitre’d, isn't that almost sing-songy? In the best of Ashley’s rapey best, there is a scene with him and the director of the film, Sidaris (who makes an uncomfortably long cameo as a sleazy TV director, named Whitey) where Ashley lets the guy know to keep his hands off Pattycakes, the restaurant’s hottest server.
Ashley: “....Hey Whitey, you go down on her and you’re going to be kissing the back of my head ‘cause I’m already going to be there.”
|I'll have the Mangarita and a Man Tai, please.|
1. Cancer Snake!
|Wait, you're telling me I've got cancer?|
Overall, I found this film to be extremely watchable. At least once anyway. I’ve left out several one-liners and scenes of Donna’s boobs that you can only get by viewing this masterpiece at home. I sort of compare watching this film to my first time. I expected it to be an awkward, short, cheap thrill, but instead in turned into an uncomfortably long experience, coupled with moments of laughter and disappointment which ultimately left me with many unanswered questions, but yet a feeling of accomplishment. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.
Naked Pairs of Breasts: 8
Naked Chests: 9
Pairs of Aviator Shades: 13
Martial Arts Weapons: 7
Man-faced Women: 4
James Bond Name Drops: 7
Boobs Assaulted by Champagne Flutes: 1
Hawaiian Shirts: 16
Razor Blade Frisbees: 1
Half Shirts: 7
Camel Toe: 1
Sumo Wrestlers: 2
Looks Into the Camera: 5
Blow-up Dolls: 1
Cancerous Snakes: 1
Andy Sidaris Other Movies Plugs: 6