Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library

I acquired this gem in a very random way.  My dad actually saw this at a yard sale and instead of buying it for my mom who might have appreciated it on a serious level, he decided to buy it for me because he thought that I quote, "...would find it funny."  Funny is quite the understatement for the heinous brilliance that is 1993's Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Toted as the "first video romance novel" (and unfortunately the last), Fabio: ATFR is pretty much some asshole's sexist idea of soft core porn for hetero-housewives...and it's awesome.  The movie starts with an introduction from Fab himself in a white tux, holding a single red rose.  Is your pussy wet yet ladies?!? 

He introduces the video as, "...a bideo I mad fore mah freahnds."  That's you Mom!  Not only did he make you a very special gift with his very own very special tan and muscular hand meat, but he also adds this non-sexual innuendo, " cahm, jenny wit me to tha lahnd of roarmahnce."  What was that Mom?  What is the "land of romance?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure Dad already does a decent job of explaining that to you.  Like the time he bought you a sewing machine for Christmas or cooking pans for your birthday.  What woman doesn't love to cook?  Secondly, romance in land form is a middle-aged, quasi-attractive romance novelist up late at night in her silk negligee trying to come up with material for her next book whilst snacking on baby carrots.  She comes up with three genius story lines (if I forgot to mention earlier, this "movie" is an anthology piece) all involving Fabs as the main character. 

In one story he is viking paddling along a river in Wisconsin the English coast when he comes upon some community theater actor practicing fencing a young British farmer who challenges him to a duuuel.  Just when the nearly naked Fabio is about to run the boy through with his tin foil sword cutlass, the boy's attractive sister intervenes and begs Fabs to take her life and spare her brother's.  He agrees, but low and motherfucking behold y'all!  Instead of stabbing her to death, he tells the boy to fetch a priest to...what what, marry them!  Okay.  At this point, I assume you are overcome with ecstasy ladies, but wait, keep your pants on.  There's more! 

In our next entry into what every woman wants, Fabs plays a charming freshly shaved pirate.  His rag tag group of rapists and pillagers (who also all manage to fake an English accent, I guess Fabs passes with just sounding European) find a woman run ashore covered in bird poop and seaweed I guess.  I guess this because the pirates and Fabs, their pirate king naturally, mention her stank quite a bit.  Fab tells a blind pirate to clean her up and get her some fresh clothes so she can "dine" with him.  She refuses at first, but Fabio reminds her that if she doesn't want to hang out with him, he could always leave her to be babysitted by his men who, "...hahb bin aht sea a lung thyme," wink, wink.  This is probably the rapiest of all the stories.  After she's cleaned up, she and Fabs sit down to a moonlit tent chicken dinner on the beach. The girl starts off being feisty, based on Fab and his pirates running her ship aground and causing everyone to drown.  Don't you worry all you romance fans, because Fabs manages to charm her over a cheeky game of chess and some Vivaldi.  Oh yeah.

"...cahm flye wit mae, lehts sahl awaye."
The last story in the bunch involves the novelist herself.  She falls asleep and dreams she is a simple "school teacher" who falls in love with a gorgeously rich Italian Count (Fabio, obvs).  However will they stay together?  He's high society and she's like, totally middle class!  Thankfully, (SPOILER) Fabio has a solution and guess what, hold onto your vaginas ladies, he proposes marriage (again)!  Not only that, but he offers to whisk her away from her boring average life of child education to live with him in his expensive Italian villa!  Squirt!

Just when you think this tape is over and you're pretty much maxed out on orgasms, it ends with not one, but TWO final twists!  If you like unintentionally hilarious hunkage, man meat and of course, romance, you must find a copy of Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Not only for your own sexual spiritual re-birth, but to keep love alive!    

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