Tuesday, November 9, 2010

No Holds Barred (1989)
Dir. Dennis Hackin
Genre: Action/Wrestling

"...What's that smell? Dookie?!"

 First of all, I have to say this movie was exactly what I thought it would be and that, for me, is incredibly high praise as far as shitty movies go.  I had hoped it would be as entertainingly bad as I assumed and let me tell you something, it was even shittier and even more entertaining than I could have imagined.  Check out the trailer for this turd in all it's golden-haired glory below.

The group looks on as Brell shows
them the poster he keeps above his bed.
Not only is the star of the film WWF (at the time) wrestling champ Hulk Hogan, who has never made a bad movie I didn't like, (barring 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain) but the premise of the movie involves Hulk playing a wrestler named Rip "Rip 'Em" Taylor Thomas who may appear to be a beefy brute, but beneath all that bleach blond, bronzer and man meat lies a less-tan heart of gold.  An evil businessman named Brell (Kurt Fuller) becomes the new owner of a fledgling television network which is vaguely named, World Television Network, and wants Rip wrestling on his station by any means necessary in order to boost ratings.  When Rip tells him no way, in a scene as pure as the driven snow, Brell offers Rip a blank check and threatens him if he doesn't sign with WTN, Rip crumples the check and shoves it down Brell's throat stating:

Rip:  "...I won't be around when this check clears!" 

Hulk scares the turds out of someone.
 Get it?  That means when the evil guy poops the paper out in the toilet!  Genius!  Brell retaliates by sending some goons to hijack Rip's limo and corner him in a warehouse.  Rip responds by literally jumping a hole through the roof kicking everyone's ass by throwing them against things.  Eventually he is left with just the scared shitless limo driver whom when he yanks him out of the limo, we are shown a giant wet spot on the crying driver's pants.  Rip growls and barks a bunch in the driver's face and then this exchange goes down:

Rip:  "...What's that smell?"
Bawling Limo Driver:  "...Doooookiee."
Rip:  "...Dookie?!?"

Since I think this scene best speaks for itself, check out the literal shittiness below.

When the whole Plan A (aka send skinny guys to beat up a body-builder in cowboy boots) doesn't work, Brell responds by sending in a be-titted mole by the name of Samantha (Joan Severance), who under the guise of being Rip's new boss, half-assedly tries to seduce him by taking him to French restaurants, acting really standoffish and wearing gigantic lacy granny panties to bed once.  Awkward accidental touching, really short shorts and Moonlighting-esque sexual tension ensues.  Thankfully for Samantha and her unmotivated attempts, she had Rip at not fat with tits and didn't need to do much else. 

Hands down, my favorite scene in the film is when Samantha and Rip, who are on a business trip together suddenly find out, WHOOPS, they accidentally booked a hotel room with only one bed.  Awkward.  Samantha, who is understandably distraught, laments about this while hiding in the bathroom meanwhile our ingenious Rip uses a bed sheet and wrist wrapping tape to create a D.Y.I. barrier between them on the bed.  Samantha, playing the part of the coy and uninterested woman, naturally steps out of the bathroom in a lacy bra and pantie set while Rip rivals this with some inappropriate bed wear of his own including a tie dye red tank top and the tiniest red shorts with slits on the side you would ever not want to see on Hulk HoganEver.  After some rom-com jests about sticking to "your side of the bed," Samantha finally falls asleep only to be awoken by Rip shaking the bed while doing push ups in a red thong.  AAAHHH!!  After she complains, Rip jumps back into bed only to break the bed frame and WHOOPS, send Samantha rolling on top of him.  She yells some unnecessary comments about him doing this on purpose and Rip's response is my absolute favorite quote of the movie.

Rip:  "...Just forget it!  No walls are stronger than the ones you've already built!"

They kind of just look like two Bros singing a song.
Psychoanalyzed by Hulk Hogan in bikini underwear.  Does a movie ever get better than that?  After Rip falls for her boobs charms, she suddenly feels remorse and can't go through with the plan.  Brell retaliates against Samantha by doing the most logical follow up, sending a random thug out to rape her in a parking garage.  Don't worry though, because our hero Rip just happens to be stalking her passing by on his Harley, he runs down the would-be rapist and slams him into a tree.  I should mention when doing this Rip says:

Rip: "...It's Harley and me and you in the tree!" 

God, I love this movie.  Since the whole rape fiasco didn't work out, Brell decides instead to start his own wrestling show to court Rip which will be way more hardcore than the pussies on that one wrestling show he's already doing.  Brell finds the answer to his prayers when he visits a piss-stained, white trash dive bar whose entertainment involves hillbillies fighting in a ring until one of them doesn't get back up.  Brell decides to market this kind of "no-holds-barred" fighting match for his network and gives it the limp-dick title, "Battle of the Titans Tough Guys."  Toothless, fat and trashy dudes come from all around to battle in the ring for cash until finally Brell finds his champion, a black male stereotype super tough and violent ex-con by the name of Zeus (Tommy "Tiny" Lister).   

Zeus beats the shit out a bunch of fat dudes for awhile, challenging Rip to a match each time.  Rip, being the noble greased-up tight pants fighter that he is, respectfully declines, that is until Zeus neck punches Rip's little brother and ring-side cheerleader Randy (some dude) into an a ass-beaten coma of some kind.  Though predictable as this plot twist was, what I didn't predict was the moment of sheer ridiculousness of genuine acting our Hulkster would attempt.  He visits Randy, who is comatose in the hospital and by his bedside, squeezes his hand and tries his fucking damnedest to squeeze tears of of his eye holes.  No, as in, REALLY HARD.  He even moans and rubs his brother's hand all over his face.  It's embarrassingly awesome.  At this point Rip obviously decides to take on Zeus and a massive network showdown ensues.

Soon after, many lost their lives in what
became known as the Zeus suit riots.

I don't think I need to give away the obvious outcome, but what you won't expect is the crazy fucking space suit Zeus shows up in.  Unfortunately, he doesn't fight in this thing, which is really too bad because I was looked forward to see how that thing moved in the ring.  If you like shitty movies and I know you do, you should really check out No Holds Barred.  If you aren't convinced yet by what I've said about it already, here are more reasons not previously mentioned that your brain should witness this cinematic monstrosity yourself: Hulk Hogan's wardrobe changes (which include various colors of cowboy boots and spandex pants), the shitty soft rock soundtrack written and sung about characters and situations in the movie, Rip's signature hand signal looks incredibly similar to what's known as "the shocker" and Hulk Hogan cries, speaks French and flies through the roof of a car!!!  Okay, a couple of those I already mentioned, but come on!  It's worth seeing for the dialogue alone so the rest is just a pile of movie turd bonuses!

Rip's Wardrobe Changes: 7
Moments of Palpable Sexual Tension: 6
Skeezy Hogan Smirks: 8
Do-Rags: 4
"The Ripper" aka "The Shocker" Is Flashed: 11
Sports Film Cliches: 9
Dudes Beaten By Zeus: 7
The Caged Little Person Throws Change Into The TV Guys Beer Glass: 3
Rip Defies Gravity: 3
Time Someone Says, "Rip 'Em Rip!": 23
Rip Growls/Grunts: 18
Inappropriately Tight Clothes On Rip: 9
Samantha Falls On Top Of Rip: 2
Hillbillies Make Fun of TV Execs: 10
Samantha Is A Damsel In Distress: 4
Zeus' Lazy Eye Looks At Screen: 4
Poop Is Seen Or Mentioned: 3

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