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| "...You people have more tenacity than I do stamina." |
Originally made as a
3-D movie (get the title now), this anthology horror turd is more full of vaudevillian robots and boom mic shots than coming at your face shit. Though, coming at your face shit totally happens. The film opens with a smoke machine in a graveyard or what appears to be the backdrop of a haunted house ride at your local county fair. In case you think this is a bad thing, you should stop reading this now, only because you will not fully appreciate this low budget ill-informed masterpiece of b-movie badness if you do not appreciate those rubber mummies that jump out with the help of an air compressor to shout "Gawh!" at you on a run-down haunted house ride. Also, stop interrupting me.
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| "I got your nose!" |
Anyway... not so suddenly an animatronic skeleton in tattered clothes opens the top of a coffin which the camera does a long focus on. Then the skull face precedes to stare into your soul with his eyelid-less eye holes that each contain a glass eye. This happens for an uncomfortable five seconds before he moves his robotic bone jaw and introduces himself. His name is
Igor and he wants to warn you about how shitty life is by telling you three random stories. Also, he might be the dead skeleton of the host of
The Twilight Zone because he sounds like him. That, or this is some lame rip-off ploy to make an homage slash allusion to a recognized franchise, but clearly from the outset, this movie is way too honest to resort to cheap mimicry.
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| The vultures reflect on possible better homages. | | |
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Now, back to the above cheap mimicry...
Igor's quips are joined by the punchlines of surrounding chatty animatronic vultures. Two of them appear to be
Laurel and Hardy while three of them are rather
stoogey. Or maybe they're all just from New York. Either way...
AH! PLASTIC BAT IN YOUR FACE YOU UNSUSPECTING ASSHOLE!!! Anyway, (you totally thought you were going to get rabies just then! You are so gullible) these really like to berate each other in a harsh, yet playful way for some reason.
While this mystery goes unsolved,
Igor begins his first story about two adoption agents that are heading to an unorthodox appointment with potential adoptive parents in the middle of the night in a castle in the woods. The male adoption agent is skeptical, while the female adoption agent is female. Also, she mentions feeling some sort of unexplainable need to accommodate the potential adoptive parent dude she spoke with because, oh, she doesn't know. She just did. Once they arrive to the castle, it is clear this story is creeping up on very recognizable vampire-type territory. Two pale people with fierce hair and lots of flowing clothes welcome them in shitty Romanian accents. Yep. These Euro-trash dick farts are clearly vampires (and bad character actors). Once the agents enter the castle, the female agent continues to be charmed by the male
vampire potential adoptive father while the male agent is sane and is creeping the fuck out.
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| "Velcome to our humblaahe ablaahode!" |
The are-they-or-aren't-they Brangelina of vampires discuss their burning need to add to their growing
food supply brood. The male agent rejects this while the female agent promises to bring them a little boy. Flash forward to some poor adolescent orphan being dumped at this couple's castle. As they tuck him into bed and it becomes more and more apparent they are planning on totally sucking his blood or eating him or refusing to sleep with him because they love him so much or whatever, (vampire lore seems to change too often these days) shit gets real. If I ruin it, it will be ruined and I actually think you should see this movie. The "twist" is campy good, though it might be familiar to some since the story is originally from an issue of the old bi-monthly horror comic,
Haunt of Fear that was also reproduced later (and better) in an episode of the HBO series,
Tales From the Crypt. Though this version has an added twist to the twist which I didn't see coming.
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"Why not just kill you guys? Gross. We only drink the
blood of unwanted children." |
The next two stories become more twisted I guess, but are not any less goofy. If you hate rats or love kittens and grandmas, abort. The second story involves two grave robbers that double cross a kindly old and fat kitten-loving groundskeeper of a cemetery in the hopes that they can find some alleged entrance in the graveyard that leads to dead people gold treasure or something. Somehow this goes awry for both parties. The rats in the graveyard basement do not appreciate having their dead people gold treasure stolen and express as much.
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"Mom, Grandma is trying to
kiss us with a shotgun again!" |
The last story in the anthology is about another kindly old person, except this one is a woman in a wheelchair and claims to be a grandma. Two unsuspecting grandchildren are dropped off at Grandma's house a week before Christmas by their self-absorbed shitty parents and must endure the next few days before their parents return. Initially, everything is cool. They open presents, drink cocoa, push around Grandma's wheelchair and pretend to listen to her old people stories. Then, Grandma apparently runs out of don't-shoot-people pills and the kids learn how to hide well and cry quietly. Don't worry, someone saves the day and yes, that means
Santa totally kills Grandma by shooting her crippled ass out of a chimney. I'm not sure if this should be applauded, but nevermind. I though about it and it should. Bottom line, this shitty anthology is worth a viewing. Especially if you have beer and chips and salsa handy. 3D glasses and/or high expectations not required or advised.
Shit Flying At Your Face: 6
Dead Old People: 2
Children Threatened With Violence: 3-6
Vaudeville References: 5?
Animatronic Things: 6
Times The Talking Skeleton Actually Creeped Me Out: 3
Kittens: 5
Rats: Infinity
Graveyard Scenes: 2
Children Fostered By Vampires: 6
Capes: 1
Twilight Zone References: 8
Santa Cameos: 1-2
It's Episode 30 of TEC with the WORST sci-fi/alien invasion movie ever to star Luke Skywalker and the kid from Free Willy, 1997's LASERHAWK! With special guests, comedian Maria Heinegg and comedian/writer for The Onion and SNL's "Weekend Update", Mike Drucker! We discuss sex with DJs, rap from the perspective of an alien spaceship and Mike and Maria get into a real life fight over plaid (seriously)!
