Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Movie Monster Is A Mom Person!

"Honey, hurry up before
your dinner wakes up again!"
Though Mother's Day is in May, here at The Enematic Cinematic, we believe mothers should be celebrated/feared all the year round and what better way to celebrate mothers than to associate them with other worldly, bone chewing, blood sucking, wallet emptying sub-creatures!  You know, cause like that's what women do.  Metaphors!  Plus, let's not leave out those underrated lower level, poison apple feeding, money-grubbing, barf bags, aka Stepmothers!  Cause, you know, someone has to fuck Dad after Mom dies of breast cancer!
 Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.

Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible).  Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien."  Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)!  Hooray!  Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies!  Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!

3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)

Feminist Tagline: "She's gorgeous and she's never been kissed.  Needless to say, she's from a different planet."
Starring(?): Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 5 out of 10

Kim Basinger plays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life.  Yeah.  What a bitch.  Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to.  Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste's Basingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.

"What? This hat is like, all
the rage on planet European Voguearth."
I mean, she dresses WAY too 80's, even for the 80's and doesn't know how to do normal stuff like eat food and give hand jobs.  What kind of Basinger doesn't know how to give a hand job?  Also, she noticed Celeste talking to a penis-shaped alien in her purse.  That was probably the clencher.  Of course Dad is way too enthused about this woman being clearly out of his league and dismisses Jessie's facts as childhood jealousy.  Bummer.  Don't worry though, Jessie has a lovable yet bungling uncle (Jon Lovitz) and a brace-faced beau (Seth Green) to share her woes with about the possible end of the world.  They don't listen to her either, actually.

Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as
familiar with the busting of aliens.
Eventually Celete's alien status is discovered by Steven, (who some how didn't see it coming despite the fact she kisses him while doing a pelican dance and can read a book with her hand) and just in time because the alien horde is descending and Celeste has got some hard decisions to make.  Return to BasingerSexiter where she will remain young, blonde and Baldwin-less forever or stay in Citytown, married to a bloating Dan Aykroyd with mothering responsibilities to a fiery-tempered nosey gingeresque.  This could go either way, but I think you know which road she takes.  I rate this Movie Mom Monster a 5 for being fairly creepy only due to her alien penis companion, but the fact that she softens up and falls in love is a total pussy move.    

2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)

Feminist Tagline: "Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis."
Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 8 out of 10

Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife.  Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid.  Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom.  During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon.  The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf.  Like, seriously in real life.  What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time.  Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.

At least you don't have to
blow your bloated husband anymore?
Now, Leslie has to deal with being a boring housewife and a bloodthirsty killer!  While most people might find this exciting, Leslie is all concerned about her armpits getting too hairy and killing her family by accident and stuff.  Meanwhile, her precocious young daughter (not Alyson Hannigan), Jennifer has started noticing her mom is either turning into a non-recycling hippie, or a mythical beast of the night.  Luckily she has a weirdo goth friend (not Corey Feldman) who knows a thing or two about monster symptoms.  Their premonitions are backed by an ominous future prediction given to them by a fortune-telling, bad-accented Ruth Buzzi (who is in this movie for some reason).  Now it's up to Jennifer to stop her mom's rampaging hormones and bathtub drain clogging before it's too too late!  Of course in fun, friendly family romp like this, it never is really.  I give this Movie Mom Monster an 8 out of 10 because werewolves scare THE SHIT out of me and the werewolf makeup when the mom gets more beasty is actually kind of Teen Wolf good.          

1. Stepmonster (1993)

Feminist Tagline: "She's not just a bad mother.  She's hazardous to your health!"
Starring(?): Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 10 out of 10

Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise.  On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits.  As in, growling and chewing bones.  When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur).  Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.

Till your wife clawing you open
and sucking your bones do you part.
The goriest of the campy, mom monster genre, it's viewable level is aided by the smarmy Alan Thicke as the clueless dad, the showering Ami Dolenz (of The Monkees sperm bank fame) and The Lost Boys revisited scene stealing of a drugged up Corey Feldman, pre-emulating Michael Jackson years.  Also, the stepmom creature looks like a giant Gremlin (FUCK!) and although the effects aren't really scary, having a human-eating monster for a stepmom is probably the more frightening of all the mom monster scenarios.  Therefore, I give this movie a whopping 10 out of 10 Movie Mom Monster rating.        

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