Thursday, February 10, 2011

The B-Movie Ballad of Billy Blanks

One time there was this guy.  His name was Billy BlanksBilly Blanks was a paladin, a warrior and a demi-god who wanted to save attractive people from drug abuse, stop crime with karate kicks and help fat people punch harder.  Thankfully for us here at TEC and you dear reader, he was also an accomplished thespian.  Thus I give you the best of the sweaty/slimey facial expressions, slightly racist character naming and VHS cover art badassery that is the B-Movie Ballad of Sir Billy Blanks.

Bloodfist (1989)

Genre: Action/Martial Arts
Codename: Black Rose
Notable Co-stars: Don "The Dragon" Wilson

If you haven't already surmised, Bloodfist is a shitty rip-off of BloodsportThe "Muscles from Brussels" "The Dragon" is a retired kick-boxer that enters an underground kick-boxing tournament in Hong Kong Manila in order to find his brother's murderer and avenge his death with his feet and stuff.  Oh yeah, and Billy Blanks.  He plays an evil fighter by the name of "Black Rose."  It's pretty much Bloodsport without the splits or the Van Damage.

Talons of the Eagle (1992)

Genre: Action
Codename: Tyler Wilson
Notable Co-stars: James "Lo Pan" Hong

After the notorious (I guess) Mr. Li (James Hong) kills a few DEA agents in Toronto (random), martial arts champion Tyler Wilson (BB) is sent to investigate (for some reason).  Oh wait, never mind.  The bad guys are participating in an underground martial arts tournament.  Wilson goes undercover and be-friends the nefarious Li in order to get the dibs on some shit and hopes to eventually not die while doing so.  I probably should have warned you that shit gets pretty intense from here.  Especially involving Billy's shirtless action posing VHS covers.  Look at that shine!  You can almost taste his funk.  Almost...

Back in Action (1993)

Genre: Action/Drama?
Codename: Billy?
Notable Co-Stars: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

This action-packed, buddy-cop romp stars Billy as Billy, the high-kicking ex-Green Beret older brother of some dumb ass girl who sleeps with a drug-dealer.  When the drug dealer is murdered, the sister is the only witness and the killers try to track her down.  Billy makes an "unlikely union" (not really) with a ballsy plain-clothed cop named Frank (Piper) who sometimes pile drives his perps.  There is not as much fire in this movie as the VHS cover suggests, but other than, it's pretty much exactly what it looks like.  Guns, pecks, high-waisted jeans, one-liners and Billy even cries a little, although you can't really tell when his face is always sweaty.  

TC 2000 (1993)

Genre: Action/Sci-fi
Codename: Jason Storm
Notable Co-stars: Bolo "Chinese Hercules" Yeung

In case you thought this would be a shitty RoboCop rip off, it is.  Unfortunately though, instead of cheap metal body implants (which I had crossed my fingers for) they pretty much imply they have robotically re-wired someone and then use some awful static screen as robo-vision for said robotically re-wired individual.  Oh and even though they lack metal parts, the robo-person can totally kick and punch really hard and do back flips, because as most of us know, robots are known for their grace and flexibility.  Anyhow, according to TC 2000 lore, by the year 2000, hippies have failed and "environmental overkill had come."  The surface of the Earth is gross so rich people started the Underworld colonies and poor people were left on the surface to start gangs.  You know, kind of like now.  Underworld enforcer Mason Storm Jason Storm (Blanks) finds out about a conspiracy by all the rich assholes in the underworld to kill off the surface people who are totally bringing their property values down.  He thinks this is janky so he goes rogue and in the process his hot blond partner is killed and becomes the robo-blond who back flips I mentioned before.  Thankfully, Bolo shows up and helps Storm to stop the Underworld killers before they go all *Ghetto Blaster on the surface.  Everyone wins.  Except for the people that died.

*Referring to the 1989 action/urban warfare film about a middle-aged white dude that decides to kill and or maim all the Latino gang members in his parents neighborhood.  And yes, it is PAINFULLY racist.  Old white people boners commence.   

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