What's that you didn't say? This no longer sounds like a hypothetical real-life scenario, but instead the scripted plot of a Mexican-sploitation horror movie? Well, then you'd be fairly right. Some time in 1972, director, Rene Cardova Jr. asked himself this very same cat question and not only did he come up with possibly the least reasonable amount of cats to own, but an entire horror movie plot surrounding this imagined king cat creeper of all cat creeps! That's right, Enemaniacs. Get your inhalers ready, for tonight is, THE NIGHT OF 1,000 CATS ! No, really. If you are allergic, some of the scenes in this movie will make you itch. You have been warned.
|"Why does it smell like tuna and cat pis... |
ooh, did you say wine?"
Hugo: "...Dorgo is an excellent butler. He's as obedient and faithful as a cat."
Wait, "obedient" as a cat? Is that a thing? Hugo then begins to blabber about his "special" and "unique collection" that will surpass that of all of his ancestors who he refers to as having "...had a mania for collecting." This is probably when his female guest should be wondering if that collection involves pretty lady skin suits, but sadly for this lady, Hugo is just way too charming and the wine is just way too tasty and beautifully aged so she soon overlooks the clear warning signs of a maniacal murderous millionaire (i.e, a deformed servant, a barely inhabited ancient castle, the mentions of an "unusual collection," the sounds of a beast horde howling for flesh somewhere on the castle grounds, etc.). Good wine is good wine, you guys.
A couple of sips later, Hugo's guest inquires as to whether anyone else lives in the mansion. Hugo responds:
|Are your eyes itching yet?|
This turns out to be a lie for at least two reasons. One, she ends up meeting a guest during the dinner, rather than after, when the charmer literally flies out of nowhere and punches her boobs with it's paws, promptly scaring the shit out of her (this scene is mostly hilarious). Two, "charming" and "silent" are inappropriate and misleading adjectives for a large outdoor cage of 1,000 feral cats. Of course, our poor dinner guest never does get to meet the cat crew formally. Instead, she's strangled by Hugo and dismembered, then presumably ground into hamburger meat and thrown off a balcony to be eaten by Hugo's courtyard of scratching, screaming, roommates. This part of the movie involves the very first cringe-worthy Milo & Otis animal cruelty moment, when Hugo picks up a cat from the ground and CHUCKS IT HARD off of the balcony. We are shown a long and drawn out Million Dollar Man slow motion scene of a cat, attempting to land on it's feet, but is most likely falling to its death. Thanks, Mexico. Afterward, we're treated to another helicopter cat food run that involves Hugo flying over women's houses and backyards, deciding whether or not they would make adequate short lived dinner dates before he makes them dinner...on that date...that he takes them to dinner...just forget it.
|Who wouldn't suck down a free|
chardonnay from this guy?