Episode 1: This Ain't No Hulu!
Since this is my inaugural bad movie viewing and reviewing post on
The Enematic Cinematic, I decided to go balls to the wall. In this spirit, I give you
Hard Ticket to Hawaii. This cinematic turd was written and directed by not so famous director Andy Sidaris. His work includes other pillars of an exercise in restraint such as
Malibu Express,
Picasso Trigger and the classic crime thriller
Savage Beach. If you think you know the entire plot from the cover art alone, well, you kind of do, but the extra WTF stuff are why this son of a bitch is a must-see to believe.
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| Ah, my hibiscus! |
Hard Ticket, released in 1987 and shot on location in Molokai, Hawaii, tells the pulse-pounding tale of two blond, big-breasted drug enforcement agents working for “The Agency”, Donna (played by March 1984 Playmate of the Month, Dona Speir) and Taryn (played by July 1985 Playmate of the Month, Hope Marie Carlton). Actually, Taryn is not really an agent (nor is she very big-breasted), but a civilian relocated by the witness protection program after witnessing some unrevealed (or more likely, not bothered to be written) mob related crime. After assuming a new identity, she is sent to work alongside Donna on the island of Molokai at an Agency-paid cover operation, the inconspicuous Molokai Cargo. The jist of the plot revolves arould the girls confiscating a baggie they find in a remote control helicopter whilst out drug enforcing. This baggie turns out to be filled with diamonds. Then, aerola! They stumble upon a secret diamond funded, British, Japanese, possibly partially Cuban fueled drug ring! The remainder of the film involves them running around in cowboy boots, half shirts and heels as they are pursued by the drug lord’s thugs, man-faced female enforcer and one giant, sweaty
hand puppet cancer snake.
The film opens with what else, a shot of a wet girl in a bikini. I don't think we're in Hawaii yet, I think we're supposed to be in California. Maybe. It's never explained, but once again, not really necessary in order for the plot to poop along. We are introduced to some of the video cover models, Donna (Dona Speir) and Rowdy (Ron Moss aka The Lips aka Ridge Forrester of
The Bold and the Beautiful). Yes. His name is Rowdy. I thought I heard it wrong the first time too. Thank God I was wrong. It becomes much more ironic later. Also introduced is the first Andy Sidaris other-movies-plug.
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| What are those for? |
We learn key elements of the characters story lines such as, drug enforcement is no job for a girl like Donna and Rowdy has better things to do with his body temperature, but the most telling thing we will learn from the opening sequence is you better get used to Donna's wide spread cleavage and giant areolae because you are going to be seeing a lot of them for the next hour. A lot. You may be distracted in this scene, but take a moment to notice how completely uncomfortable Rowdy is at not only the site of her boobs, but when she presses those sexy meat bags against him. It's almost as if he's grossed out a bit. Granted, this could be because they are very 80's boobies, but I like to think that it is because his character is a closeted gay. This will become less and less subtle throughout the movie. Also, I should mention the first of many elements of misinformation from the VHS tape cover art. Don't be fooled, Rowdy Abilene is NOT the leading man.
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| Nevermind the outfit, what the fuck is that belt? |
Hard Ticket not only boasts a cast of Playboy Playmates and a "hunky" soap opera "star", but also the winner of Miss Gay America 1977 (true) and Miss Fitness USA 1980something (undetermined). The greatest part of the movie is while the plot seems fairly straight forward, there are several side story what the fuck bits and pieces that make this turd a true video store treasure. Here is a list of my top six favorites.
6. Rowdy’s Ambiguous Sexuality
The guy looking hunky on the video cover art is Rowdy (Pouty) Abilene, played by soap opera star Ron Moss. He is a secret agent or something. Either way, it doesn’t matter much since he’s only in less than half of the film. The only contribution he makes with his little arms and awkward smile is racist Bruce Lee impressions, blowing up a blow-up doll and a whole lot of, “wait, is he gay?” moments. Maybe it's the way he holds his gun. Maybe it's the way he says things like, "...
Sounds like Seths playing harball in your backyard..." and then winks at his buff friend Jade. Maybe it's just that he's too damn pretty to be wasted on marriage and kids. I just don't know. There is a great scene with Donna and Taryn at Donna’s place where they shamelessly plug Sidaris’ other films. They begin discussing Cody Abilene, star of
Malibu Express. On a personal side note, I did attempt to watch this film. I’d rather not talk about it.
Taryn: “...He and Rowdy are cousins right?”
Donna: “....Yeah, they’re both adorable, but just a little flaky, you know?”
Flaky?
Somehow Donna, I don’t think that was the word you were looking for.
5. Old Lady Pillow Talk
For a film filled with boobs, cunnilingus banter, soft core sex scenes and cancer snakes, you’d think they wouldn’t shy away from certain sexual terms or innuendo, but they SO do. It’s like certain parts of the dialogue were written by a seventy year-old woman. Bad guys are often referred to as “
creeps”, “
jerks” and “
turkeys." Drug lord Seth Romero chastises his thugs, who just lost a bag of diamonds, with the the ever-popular amongst criminals ,“
dummies" put down (Tony Montana impression FAIL). In one scene, Taryn rightfully questions Donna about Rowdy’s penis, but asks, “
How’s his stuff?” Stuff? This lady doesn’t own a single bra or full-length shirt and she can’t say dick? Another great moment involves Donna making a joke about James Bond coming to save them, after which he would “…
casually stroll in and jump our bones.” Whoa mom, you’re making me uncomfortable. By far, the best example of this, is a scene after which we endure an unnecessary romantic beach montage involving Taryn and some dude named Jimmy John. Taryn receives a call on a spy stick from Donna asking what she’s been doing. Taryn responds, “...
I’m pretending to be a mere receptacle for Jimmy John’s desires.” Is that a grandma way of saying cum bucket?
4. Ashley the Rapey Maitre’d
The real charmer of this film is Ashley, the really rapey maitre’d working at Agency contact spot, a restaurant called Edy’s. We are introduced to the dashing Ashley when a woman strolls into the restaurant.
Ashley: “...Hey, Charlotte baby where have you been? I haven’t seen you around in awhile.”
Charlotte: “...I’m just a working girl. This joint is too expensive for me.”
Ashley: “...You can eat at my joint anytime…for free.”
Charlotte: “...That makes me want to be a vegetarian.”
You will come to find that rapey Ashley loves food-related sexual innuendo. Oh, and cunnilingus. That too. There are plenty of scenes here and there of him slapping server's asses and one in particular where he fondles and introduces one waitress' boobs. Classy. In another scene, Donna and Taryn decide to swing by Edy’s in tight tops after being roughed up at their place by a couple of panty-hose faced goons. Naturally, Ashley comforts them.
Ashley: “...I’m going to give you two the best seat in the house.”
Taryn: “...Oh and where is that?”
Ashley: “...You can sit right here on my face.”
Donna: “...Why? Is your nose bigger than your dick?”
Oh shit, dawg. SICK BURN!
3. Cunnilingus Anyone?
The characters in this film are obsessed with cunnilingus jokes and banter. At one point, Rowdy and Donna head off to some bungalow or something to have sex with his jock on. Afterwards, he gazes into her cavernous cleavage and she asks, “...
What are you feeling?” Weird. To which he replies, “...
One man’s dream, is another man’s lunch.” Whoa...gross. When the “lovers” return from this tryst (I should also mention during the sex scene, Rowdy keeps moaning really loudly. Donna asks him to keep it down. Oh, so THIS is why they call him Rowdy. Not because he kicks ass and makes some noise, but because he screams during sex) Taryn and Jade ask what took them so long. Rowdy replies, “...
We stopped for a bite to eat.” The jokes don’t end there! Since Taryn and Jade heard the moaning the whole time, Taryn jokes, “...
Well maybe you should chew your food a little quieter next time.” Chew? Jesus.
The best WTF cunnilingus remark is provided by none other than our good friend, Ashley the Rapey Maitre’d, isn't that almost sing-songy? In the best of Ashley’s rapey best, there is a scene with him and the director of the film, Sidaris (who makes an uncomfortably long cameo as a sleazy TV director, named Whitey) where Ashley lets the guy know to keep his hands off Pattycakes, the restaurant’s hottest server.
Ashley: “....Hey Whitey, you go down on her and you’re going to be kissing the back of my head ‘cause I’m already going to be there.”
WTF?
2. Man-face!
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| I'll have the Mangarita and a Man Tai, please. |
Though the film is littered with manly-faced women (see tally below), such as female enforcer Rosie, pool swimmer this lady and I’m going to say it, Donna herself, the best of the best is Michelle, the man-faced bartender at Edy’s. The minute she comes on screen, you’re like, what? Are you kidding me? That is not a woman. I know it’s the 80’s and everyone loves hair and pink, but that is a drag queen. Needless to say, no spoilers will be revealed here, but in a film showcasing a variety of handsome ladies, Michelle the man-faced bartender takes the man-faced cake!
1. Cancer Snake!
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| Wait, you're telling me I've got cancer? |
Of all the side stories and plot fillers in the cinematic world, this one is amazing. There is a snake in a crate at the cargo bay at the beginning of the film that is not only labeled, DANGEROUS and CAUTION, but also CONTAMINATED! Thankfully this label attached to a flimsy string gets knocked off in the warehouse and the snake is mistakenly loaded onto Donna and Taryn’s cargo plane. The “contamination” turns out to be “...
deadly toxins from cancer-ridden infested rats.” I know! Though this scenario seems important at first, it sort of gets forgotten amongst ninja stars, skateboard assassins with blow-up dolls, secret sandwich messages and Donna’s aerolae. Don’t worry though, the pay off in the end truly delivers. Here’s the scene below. Though you may think it will ruin the movie to watch it, it doesn’t. There’s SO much, much more sweet ass nuggets I haven't even touched on.
Overall, I found this film to be extremely watchable. At least once anyway. I’ve left out several one-liners and scenes of Donna’s boobs that you can only get by viewing this masterpiece at home. I sort of compare watching this film to my first time. I expected it to be an awkward, short, cheap thrill, but instead in turned into an uncomfortably long experience, coupled with moments of laughter and disappointment which ultimately left me with many unanswered questions, but yet a feeling of accomplishment. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.
Naked Pairs of Breasts: 8
Naked Chests: 9
Pairs of Aviator Shades: 13
Martial Arts Weapons: 7
Explosions: 3
Helicopters: 3
Man-faced Women: 4
James Bond Name Drops: 7
Boobs Assaulted by Champagne Flutes: 1
Hawaiian Shirts: 16
Razor Blade Frisbees: 1
Half Shirts: 7
Camel Toe: 1
Sumo Wrestlers: 2
Looks Into the Camera: 5
Blow-up Dolls: 1
Cancerous Snakes: 1
Andy Sidaris Other Movies Plugs: 6
I confess. I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle! I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it! I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it, is in fact, a freak! Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat. Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or choices, shut up fat lady!). It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by Robin Williams in the classic, Jack). Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay! 
