Occupy The Body Shop! It's B-Movie Mall Madness!

"Can you play Tears for Fears?"

Even though I'm generally occupied with beer, string cheese and a stack of whatever bad movies had "apocalypse" in the description that day, I find the time to be aware of how shitty the current American economy is.  Pabst Blue Ribbon should never cost more than $8 for a six pack.  Anarchy!  Anyways, I may not have a T.V. box, but I do ride the bus which has been re-routed several times due to the current Occupy Seattle movement.

"ZOMG!  Sale at Mr. Rags you guys!"

I completely agree with the politics of the movement, but pooping in a bush and listening to bongo drums in the rain really isn't my deal, so to do our part here at TEC, in the spirit of taking down evil corporations and criticizing mass consumerism during the holiday season (unless you are consuming mass amounts of PBR and string cheese), I give you my list of the best of the worst horror movies involving mall murder and department store death!  Okay, so the criticism on consumerism here is pretty poorly conceived, we're not talking Dawn of the Dead metaphors, but it's basically the idea with just more boobs!  So break out your pepper spray and let's shop till we drop...our corporate bank accounts in favor of local credit unions!!!  Fuck yeah!

5. THE INITIATION (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Vapid, spoiled, rich sorority girls are mall murdered
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 4 out of 10

Kelly Fairchild (metaphor!) is a wimpy emotional rich girl.  She is portrayed by actress/Druish Princess/Melrose Place resident Daphne Zuniga.  These are all parts of this film's plot.  I think.  Anyhow, Kelly has this weird fear of seeing people catch on fire due to this persistent nightmare she has been having since childhood of seeing a guy (who might be her birth father) on fire and possibly burn to death.  This dream is portrayed in a dream sequence shown several time throughout the film in order to helpfully remind us she is a crazy person.

Since Kelly is already socially stunted due to these crippling burning man night terrors, she decides to head off to college and pledge a sorority.  In case you don't know, sorority girls are bitches.  Or at least that's the general rule of movies involving sorority girls.  It might seem odd that a bunch of women that hate other women would choose to live in houses full of women, but you're going to have to remember that the key to great film fantasies like this is to suspend all disbelief.  I think.

Even when written in murder blood,
turn out Kelly is still not a menacing name.

Anywhos, so Kelly and her fellow pledges and soon-to-be sorority sisters at Delta Ro Kai have several discussions in over-sized t-shirts and underwear leading up to the ultimate unnecessary initiation dare that involves her breaking into a department store located in the local mall.  Omigod.  They are SO bad!  Good news, her dad owns the store so this the feasible worse thing that could happen, would be an extended grounding more than jail time.  Bad news, nothing equals a more permanent "grounding" than mall murder.  God, I love puns.  Also, turns out sometimes when you break into secure buildings, you can accidentally activate a lock down mechanism that prevents assumed criminals from leaving the premise.  Trapped in a mall, what's a thin, attractive girl to do!?!  Wait, you mean free ear piercings, Sbarro pizzas and Cinnabon's for me and all my friends?

"Omigod, Teresa, you spaz!  What did I say
about borrowing stuff from my room!"

Okay.  Maybe I don't know what attractive thin girls do at malls.  What I do know is that stolen mini skirt from Wet Seal isn't going to look that good on your totally dead body (death makes you gain like, ten pounds) since there is some killing killer person intentionally trapped in the mall too!  From this point on, Kelly's "friends" are slowly stalked and murdered by this "unknown" mall maniac culminating in a massive climax involving...STUFF!  Actually, I'm not too sure.  I started paying only half assed attention mid-way through the movie when she started some awkward romance with a professor's aide after being submitted to a sleep study psych ward.  Bored yet?  Me too.

 4.  NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy
Criticism on Consumerism: Southern California, the land of fake boobs, movie magic and asshole celebrities, is destroyed by a passing comet which turns the population into dust or slowly dying brain dead zombies.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 6 out of 10

Regina "Reggie" Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) is a disillusioned twenty something whose life consists of working at a small movie theater, boning her mediocre boyfriend, dealing with her teenage little sister and maintaining the top score on the arcade game Tempest.  Everyone in the city is gearing up to watch the passing of a famed comet with the hopes of having something to do or being amazed by flashing lights or whatever.  Reggie remains uninterested.  The night of the comet (HEYO) she discovers that her Tempest score has been usurped by some dick fart with the initials, "DMK."  Feeling as though her life has obviously lost all of it's true meaning, she decides to have a "I just want to forget" fuck in the projection booth at work with her boyfriend.  Luckily for her, the steel lined walls protect these two horny kids from the unpredicted zombie radiation of the incoming passing comet.

"So, do you think ALF is like, cancelled now?"

After the fateful night the comet passes, everyone in SoCal has now become lifeless red dust or brain dead zombies.  Like, literally instead of like, metaphorically!  Reggie's BF is pretty much immediately murdered and eaten by an attacking zombie (see, mediocre), so she sets off to find her sister Sam (Kelly Maroney) who also spent the night in steel for some reason and has survived.  The rest of the film consists of the two of them fending off zombies, meeting a Mexican, Mary Woronov and shady scientist types.

Sam reflects on the untimely passing of her parents.

Most importantly and why this film is included, Reggie and Sam eventually find refuge inside a mall.  A sequence in which they dance around and try on different uns, slap bracelets and scrunchies while listening to Cyndi Lauper's feminist pop hit, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."  Cause when your friends and loved ones have been fried dead and the crying is done, oh girls, girls still want to have fun!  Will they be able to fight off the zombified mall staff?  Will the identity of DMK ever truly be revealed?  When are they ever gonna live their lives rai-ight?  Oh Daddy dear you know, the answer to all of those things is, like, obviously.         

3.  HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988) 

B-movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Misunderstood cross-dressing ex-con/crazy person and furniture store employee hunts down spoiled teenagers who break into the store to spend a night partying and boning.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 8 out of 10

Let's say it's 1988.  Leave out your past regrets, I'm just setting a scene.  You and your white attractive (this word was more loosely applied in the 80's so it's okay) friends want to celebrate your upcoming high school graduation.  What do you think?  Cabo?  Palm Beach?  Six Flags?  If you thought of any of these things, you are NOT concentrating on 1988 like I totally just TOLD you to DO!  GAWD!!!!  Anyway, why do something as gay as roller coasters or sandy beaches when you can break into your friend's dad's furniture store for a night and party?!?

"I call the bunk bed!"

That's right.  Endless beds and beer?  Um, yes!  You mean my best friend and I can lose our virginity in adjacent beds in the same room while our unattached friends stand by in awkward silence?  Awesome!  I hope we can give birth to our first children this way!  So as I just made clear, a group of wacky teens decide to do just that and break into one of their dad's furniture store to spend graduation night.  While some of them wrestle with their moral upbringings in deciding whether or not the stage is set and the lights are right to finally become a woman, the rest of them just fuck each other.

Dear LGBT community,
Sorry.
Love, TEC

Meanwhile, an ex-con/store employee/cross dressing/crazy person is secretly living in the store's basement after receiving consensual permission from the owner who feels sorry for the poor guy.  After he hears the ruckus created by the teens, lots of misunderstandings happen that lead to a fated game of hide and seek and a cross dressing murder spree!  By the way, I'm not suggesting being a cross dresser makes you crazy, but if you are a man that dresses in women's clothing (which is totally your business) and stalk the streets at night looking for prostitutes to murder mid-bone than you are probably crazy.  Moving on, one of the stand out parts about this film that helps it to earn an 8 out of 10 for department store deaths, is the fact that it includes one of the greatest decapitation shots in an elevator ever.  Also, it manages to ball every inappropriate old horror cliche/80's social stigma into one killer by making him a gay, cross-dressing, punk rock, murdering, ex-con with tattoos.  Bravo HIDE AND GO SHRIEK.  Bravo.           

2.  PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1989)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Comedy/Romance
Criticism on Consumerism: Local Mayor is bought off by corporate giant who burns down a young man's house when he refuses to sell in order to build a giant mall on the property.  Dicks.
Mall Madness Score: 9 out of 10

One time, in a year far far away, someone that was French wrote a novel called Phantom of the Opera or the French equivalent anyway.  It tells the romantic story of a disfigured composer who stalks a young opera singer and tries to woo her with murders and kidnapping.  Or is that the musical?  Or the movie?  Or, who cares?  Well anyways, PHANTOM OF THE MALL: (spoiler alert) ERIC'S REVENGE is similar in the way that he wears the half mask, is disfigured and get's creepy with a non-disfigured girl.  Eric (Derek Rydall) is a young and hunky house owner dating young and girl hunky Melody (Kari Whitman).  A corporate honcho has been pressuring him to sell his property so he can tear down Eric's house and build a gigantor mall.  Eric, knowing how hard it must be to find cheap housing in the Valley, refuses, thus setting in motion his path to disfigurement and phantoming.  The corporate big wig sends a thug out to Eric's place to set it on fire.  Unfortunately, Eric and Melody are inside at the time involved in romantic coitus.  As the fire envelopes the house, Eric risks his life to save Melody's, pushing her out of a window as the house falls on top of him.

"Nobody murders in my mall
I built on murder.  Nobody!"

Cut to a year or some more later - the corporate guy succeeds and the Midtown Mall is erected on Eric's previous property.  The whole city, even Mayor Karen Wilton (Morgan Fairchild) have come out to oversee the opening of the new mall.  Melody, still alive and unscarred, comes to the mall opening with her friend to look for a job.  If you're wondering why she hasn't been suing the fuck out of these people who obviously murdered her boyfriend, it will become obvious.  This character we are supposed to find sympathetic and meek is actually a heartless asshole.  This is not implied, but obvious to any normal person who has ever loved and lost someone to a murderous fire mid-coitus.  Just saying.

Pauly Shore works hard to pay off
all he owes for nugs, weezin and grindage.

So as the film progresses, we see a shadowy figure with a half mask climbing through air ducts, spying on Melody, petting pictures of her face and murdering the fuck out of anyone who harasses her.  This becomes obvious pretty quickly that it is Eric.  Technically, the title sort of gives it away.  Melody is eventually hired at a murder mystery themed mall restaurant.  Oh the obvious, trying too hard irony!  The corporate guy and his thugs soon recognize Melody and try to do her in during her day job.  Thankfully, poor, crazy, confused, and burn scarred Eric is there to save her every time.  We are eventually introduced to Peter (Rob Estes of Silk Stalkings), a young reporter who gets involved in the mystery of Eric's death and falls for, but mostly just wants to bone Melody.  We are also introduced to a young Pauly Shore who is named Buzz in the film and plays Melody's friend, a frozen yogurt shop employee who eventually shows us his butt.      

"Geronimall!"

After several life saving situations, romantic notes, flowers and secret gifts, Melody finally puts together that the phantom might be, omigod...Eric?!?  To confirm this, she and new soon-to-be boyfriend Peter dig up his grave which is, WHAT?  EMPTY?!?!?  I don't think you can actually get away with this at a mortuary without anyone knowing, but I'm no death expert.  Following the grave disturbance (pun!), the thugs attack Melody again in which Eric finally whisks her away to the lovely mall catacombs where they are reunited.  He professes his love to her.  Melody on the other hand makes no mention of, "Oh my God, I'm so glad you weren't burned to death," or "Thanks for saving my life which has caused you to sacrifice your mental well being and physical appearance," or "Thanks for saving me all those other times," instead she just becomes grossed out and asks Eric if she can leave.  This rightfully pisses him off and he flips out, deciding to blow up the mall and all the assholes that tried to murder him within it.  Peter finally makes his way through the air ducts, finds Eric's lair and grabs Melody.  They run away and clear out the mall of all the innocent vapid people that don't deserve to be blown up.   

Mayor Karen decides to STICK around!
Ha! God, I'm funny.

Eric comes face to burned face with his murderers, including the, SHOCK, girl mayor.  All the bad guys and girls, besides assholes, Melody and Peter, who are now in love for some reason, escape the mall bomb Eric sets off.  Don't worry, no Pauly Shore butts were harmed in the bombing of this mall.  This movie gets 9 out of 10 for a Mall Madness score because the entire thing happens in a mall, plus actual legit 80's mall stores such as B. Dalton Books, Sam Goody and Miller's Outpost are shown.  Oh, the pointless memories!  It only comes shy of one point for making the lead characters (not including the mall phantom) some of the most unsympathetic dick weeds ever.  Long live Eric!          

1.  CHOPPING MALL (1986)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi
Criticism on Cosumerism: State of the art robots placed in the local mall for security purposes go rogue and murder sex-having teenagers.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 10 out of 10!!!

For B-movie lovers, this is the most obvious go-to non-shocking pick for #1 mall-related horror films.  Though it was an easy choice, tt simply can't be topped.  CHOPPING MALL is the Holy Grail of all bad mall murder!  Starring Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class) and Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their roles from Eating Raoul!  Plus, killer robots!

Okay, so if you don't know, CHOPPING MALL tells the story of four teenage couples who decide to stay after hours in the furniture store some of them work at in the Park Plaza Mall for what else...a night of beds and beer!  Unfortunately for their as yet unlasered butts and unblown up heads, the mall has just installed a new (painfully 80's) state of the art security system involving futuristic robot guards (who laser butts and blow up heads)!

"You dickweed!  You totally messed up my hair!"

When a bumbling janitor spills water on the robots, they some how get rewired and go rogue, murdering the janitor with lasers and trapping the as yet unsuspecting couples inside the mall.  Once the couples figure out about the deadly robo-murdering going on, it's all out mayhem as half naked girls run from robots only to have their heads blown off!  Need I really say more?!?  Occupy the CHOPPING MALL and get me one of these killbots for Christmas!  

My Movie Monster Is A Mom Person!

"Honey, hurry up before
your dinner wakes up again!"

Though Mother's Day is in May, here at The Enematic Cinematic, we believe mothers should be celebrated/feared all the year round and what better way to celebrate mothers than to associate them with other worldly, bone chewing, blood sucking, wallet emptying sub-creatures!  You know, cause like that's what women do.  Metaphors!  Plus, let's not leave out those underrated lower level, poison apple feeding, money-grubbing, barf bags, aka Stepmothers!  Cause, you know, someone has to fuck Dad after Mom dies of breast cancer!

 Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.

Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible).  Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien."  Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)!  Hooray!  Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies!  Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!

3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)

Feminist Tagline: "She's gorgeous and she's never been kissed.  Needless to say, she's from a different planet."
Starring(?): Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 5 out of 10

Kim Basinger plays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life.  Yeah.  What a bitch.  Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to.  Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste's Basingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.

"What? This hat is like, all
the rage on planet European Voguearth."

I mean, she dresses WAY too 80's, even for the 80's and doesn't know how to do normal stuff like eat food and give hand jobs.  What kind of Basinger doesn't know how to give a hand job?  Also, she noticed Celeste talking to a penis-shaped alien in her purse.  That was probably the clencher.  Of course Dad is way too enthused about this woman being clearly out of his league and dismisses Jessie's facts as childhood jealousy.  Bummer.  Don't worry though, Jessie has a lovable yet bungling uncle (Jon Lovitz) and a brace-faced beau (Seth Green) to share her woes with about the possible end of the world.  They don't listen to her either, actually.

Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as
familiar with the busting of aliens.

Eventually Celete's alien status is discovered by Steven, (who some how didn't see it coming despite the fact she kisses him while doing a pelican dance and can read a book with her hand) and just in time because the alien horde is descending and Celeste has got some hard decisions to make.  Return to BasingerSexiter where she will remain young, blonde and Baldwin-less forever or stay in Citytown, married to a bloating Dan Aykroyd with mothering responsibilities to a fiery-tempered nosey gingeresque.  This could go either way, but I think you know which road she takes.  I rate this Movie Mom Monster a 5 for being fairly creepy only due to her alien penis companion, but the fact that she softens up and falls in love is a total pussy move.    

2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)

Feminist Tagline: "Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis."
Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 8 out of 10

Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife.  Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid.  Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom.  During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon.  The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf.  Like, seriously in real life.  What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time.  Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.

At least you don't have to
blow your bloated husband anymore?

Now, Leslie has to deal with being a boring housewife and a bloodthirsty killer!  While most people might find this exciting, Leslie is all concerned about her armpits getting too hairy and killing her family by accident and stuff.  Meanwhile, her precocious young daughter (not Alyson Hannigan), Jennifer has started noticing her mom is either turning into a non-recycling hippie, or a mythical beast of the night.  Luckily she has a weirdo goth friend (not Corey Feldman) who knows a thing or two about monster symptoms.  Their premonitions are backed by an ominous future prediction given to them by a fortune-telling, bad-accented Ruth Buzzi (who is in this movie for some reason).  Now it's up to Jennifer to stop her mom's rampaging hormones and bathtub drain clogging before it's too too late!  Of course in fun, friendly family romp like this, it never is really.  I give this Movie Mom Monster an 8 out of 10 because werewolves scare THE SHIT out of me and the werewolf makeup when the mom gets more beasty is actually kind of Teen Wolf good.          

1. Stepmonster (1993)

Feminist Tagline: "She's not just a bad mother.  She's hazardous to your health!"
Starring(?): Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 10 out of 10

Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise.  On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits.  As in, growling and chewing bones.  When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur).  Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.

Till your wife clawing you open
and sucking your bones do you part.

The goriest of the campy, mom monster genre, it's viewable level is aided by the smarmy Alan Thicke as the clueless dad, the showering Ami Dolenz (of The Monkees sperm bank fame) and The Lost Boys revisited scene stealing of a drugged up Corey Feldman, pre-emulating Michael Jackson years.  Also, the stepmom creature looks like a giant Gremlin (FUCK!) and although the effects aren't really scary, having a human-eating monster for a stepmom is probably the more frightening of all the mom monster scenarios.  Therefore, I give this movie a whopping 10 out of 10 Movie Mom Monster rating.        

TEC Podcast: Episode 33: They Don't Know I'm Your Dad

Welcome to a very intimate Episode 33, where comedian Sarah Skilling and I celebrate our first date night with 1989's teen comedy, SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL, starring Tony Danza and a daughter of one of the Monkees!  We discuss the uncomfortable sexual tension between Danz and his daughter, mine and Sarah's obsession with murder mystery shows, the teenage years we expected to have in the 80's, the time we almost had a comedy show canceled "due to a homocide," all while celebrating with white wine shots.  Ladies night will never be the same.  Possibly.

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TEC Podcast: Episode 32: aaaaAAHHHH!

For Episode 32 we watched an infamous B-movie you may have actually seen for once, 1986's when-gymnastics-meets-karate-action-spy-thriller, GYMKATA! My guests include graphic designer/photographer/Scarecrow Video alumni ALEX THOMAS, stand up comedian and fellow Children of the Atom member, CORBETT CUMMINS and movie lover/avid TEC listener DEVIN SHERIDAN (aka Little Bear)! We discuss Corbett's members only jacket, stunt man screams, the greatest b-movie trailer ever made, give my best friend a rude wake up call and have our third ever episode walk off!!

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Twisted (1986)Dir. Adam HolenderGenre: Thriller

"...Do you squat when you piss?  Get down on your knees."



"Is your life perfect?"

Being a teenager like totally sucks!  First you get your period or you don't get your period, then you have to start wearing deodorant, then hiding porno mags from your mom, then skinning cats and wiring audio throughout your parents house so you can blast your English translations of German Nazi propaganda music properly in order to scare your sixty year old babysitters...just the pits, I tell you!  The pits!  Don't even get me started on the acne!  If you're Christian Slater at 15 who has just moved to a new affluent suburb after you made things weird for your parents at the last one, you have to deal with all this stuff and more, but mostly the last couple things I mentioned.  Other than acne.  Christian Slater owns flawless skin.  Yet for some reason, the dates aren't coming for young Christian.  It might be the glasses?  Or the cat's blood.  So much cat's blood.  It's probably the glasses though.  Those are so weird.

"Hitler would never ground me."

In the nail-biting 1986 thriller, TWISTED, young Christian plays young, rich and misunderstood Mark Collins, whose parents drink and fuck a lot and whose adorable little sister is little and adorable.  Pretty typical for white people so far.  At some point before the movie began, little Mark became twisted.  Like tah-wisted, twisted.  He got tired of all the drunking, fucking and adorableness and began acting out.  He hates his rich parents that are self-absorbed, attractive and paid for the audio equipment he uses to constantly listen to Nazi music.  What assholes.  Thank God he knows how to fence.  And to talk like a pre-pubescent Jack Nicholson.  That helps the creep factor.  Probably the best thing about this movie other than all the cliche cat violence is the opening music.  It's a totally tah-whisted rip off of the Friday the 13th breathing score, but this time the narrator (or the Devil) is whispering "...MAAAAHHHH......KAHKAHKAHKAH..."  Tah-whisted!!!  If you are intrigued which I'm sure you are, the film is available in it's entirety on YouTube.

After another night of high suburban society partying, Mark's parents return home to find his babysitter, shock, lying dead at the foot of the stairs.  It must be an accident obviously.  I can't imagine how a fat old woman crashing down several hard wood stairs to her scream-filled, terrifying death would in any way wake up people sleeping in other parts of a normal-sized house.  I mean, come on.  It's not like their kid is twisted or anything.  The parents, obviously being as astute as I am, call the police, report the accident and think nothing of it.  No seriously, they don't really give a shit about this dead woman at all.  Their only concern at this point is getting a babysitter for the next backyard BBQ since Mark's mom doesn't want to miss her not-so-secret sex date with his dad's boss.  Oh Mom, you're incorrigible! 

"Come on, Biff, science is fun! Now you try!"

Meanwhile, in another part of this boring white suburb, a crazy sixty something year old lady named Helen Giles (Lois Smith) is talking to family members in a house.  Plain faced and sixty old something?  Uh oh.  This is Mark's prime slice when it's comes to acts of pushing!   Anyhow, Helen is returning home after "time away."  I can only assume this is rehab or she killed somebody time.  Her twitching and everyone's general level of uncomfortable body language when she's around implies this.  I know what you're thinking.  When are these two totally tah-wisted goofy youngster/oldsters ever going to assemble their crime-fighting crazy club? Don't worry.  This doesn't happen, but other wackiness does.  While grocery shopping at the local bodega, Mark's little sister's adorable face be-friends our clammy-handed weirdo sixty something year old lady Helen.  Due to said kid's adorable face, child voice or perhaps Helen's clinical psychosis, she agrees to babysit this child stranger.  Lucky for her, Mark must be babysat as well since he's home grounded for third degree burning a jock at school during chemistry class.  Again, an obvious accident.

Helen's two favorite activities include
wearing sweaters and sweating in them.

 Upon Helen's awkward bicycle arrival to the Collins' home, she discovers an unseen horror to the eyes of the video viewer, but something in the woods that seems to seriously freak her out as she picks up a lone kitten.  I can only assume more cat violence.  When she greets the Collins' and friends on their porch, she is sweaty, belligerent and mumbling about the rest of the kittens being mutilated or something.  Side note: If you do not like cat violence, this is probably where you should stop watching this movie.  Even though she is clearly disturbed, the Collins' just brush this off and tell her to go inside so they can get to drunking and fucking somewhere else not around their gross kids.

As this night of bad adult decisions wears on, Helen and little sister are having a grand time talking, dancing and feeding the kitten survivor.  For some reason, babysitter Helen is not concerned where Mark, the other minor she is responsible for, is.  Don't worry girl, he's busy calling the jock who he third degree burned in order to challenge him to a duel.  The jock tells Mark that he'll meet him anywhere, anytime to which Mark replies:

Mark: "...Dueler's choice.  Pistols or swords?"

Random jock looks confused.  Is this some sort of homo lingo?  Either way, he decides on switchblades because that's what he's carrying in his pants.  Meanwhile, Helen and little sister continue to frolic about the house, enjoying finally being cared about by another human being until Mark crashes the party and starts blasting that darn Nazi music, scaring the shit out of everyone.  As Helen confronts Mark in a very passive way, he gets all crazy-eyed.  He grabs Helen's purse as she uncomfortably begs him to leave it alone.  He then asks her a round of fairly common follow up questions like:

Mark: "...What are you hiding?  A dirty book?  A picture of your lover?  Is it a dyke?  It's coke, isn't it?  I could tell you were on something."   

"At least his skinning cats at home
instead of out on the streets."

First of all, what are you, a cop?!?  Second of all, did you not notice Helen's sweaters?  I don't think she's trying to hide her sexual orientation or her $5,000 a week coke habit.  Anyhow, the purse ends up containing no porno, but a bottle psycho pills which Mark naturally uses to force feed his sister so she will die.  This begins the hiding throughout rooms in the dark fight to the finish between crazy kids Mark and Helen.  As the massive amount of tension builds, the random jock from school who Mark has been prank calling since he third degree burned him, shows up for his switchblade revenge.  What timing!  Then a switchblade fencing fight ensues.  Yes!  Also, more cat violence, Helen sweating, pants pulling, Nazi paraphernalia and booze showers.  All culminating in a really annoying ending with foreshadowing.  Ugh.  Foreshadowing.  Foreshadowing, shitty parenting and booze shower ending aside, I completely recommend this tah-wisted tale of teenage turmoil.  Not only for the ridiculous score, but for the intense level of acting a young Christian Slater attempts in this one step away from a TV movie.  It's like he knew this was leading him to bigger things like Gleaming the Cube and Kuffs!  Watch and enjoy, but don't invite your cat.

Ominous People Are Going To Be Killed Music: 4
Helen Getting Crazy-Faced: 7
Times The Collins Mentioned Being In A New Town: 6
Barely Legal Christian Slater Butt Shots: 1
Nazi Music: 8
Dead Bodies: 4
Slo-Mo Slater Shots: 1
Times I Thought, "I Get It, He's Twisted.": 10
Cat Violence: 4

    

TEC Podcast: Episode 31: It's Uh...LIVE!

Coming to you from The Chapel bar, it's The Enematic Cinematic...LIVE! Yes! With an actual audience whom we forced to watch the whimsical zombie funeral home comedy, 1991's THE BONEYARD in it's shitty entirety!  Most of them even stayed afterward for the podcast taping.  Special guests include comedians/filmmakers TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE, plus hard-nosed journalist/film editor/comedian LINDY WEST of Seattle's free newspaper THE STRANGER! Expect laughter, applause, prize giveaways, shout outs to ham and the silent existence of Bruce Lee's ghost (maybe)!*

 

*This and all TEC Podcast Episodes are available for download on the Podbean site here or on iTunes under The Enematic Cinematic.

TEC Podcast: Episode 30: I Got Lost Too!

It's Episode 30 of TEC with the WORST sci-fi/alien invasion movie ever to star Luke Skywalker and the kid from Free Willy, 1997's LASERHAWK! With special guests, comedian Maria Heinegg and comedian/writer for The Onion and SNL's "Weekend Update", Mike Drucker! We discuss sex with DJs, rap from the perspective of an alien spaceship and Mike and Maria get into a real life fight over plaid (seriously)!

*This and all TEC Podcast Episodes are available for download on the Podbean site here or on iTunes under The Enematic Cinematic.

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

A princess has legs, a dude has laser eyes and two brothers apparently have arms...it's 1989's The Lords of Magik!

Tales of the Third Dimension (1984)Dir. (Multi) Tom Durham, Worth Keeter, Earl OwensbyGenre: Horror/Anthology

"...You people have more tenacity than I do stamina."

Originally made as a 3-D movie (get the title now), this anthology horror turd is more full of vaudevillian robots and boom mic shots than coming at your face shit.  Though, coming at your face shit totally happens.  The film opens with a smoke machine in a graveyard or what appears to be the backdrop of a haunted house ride at your local county fair.  In case you think this is a bad thing, you should stop reading this now, only because you will not fully appreciate this low budget ill-informed masterpiece of b-movie badness if you do not appreciate those rubber mummies that jump out with the help of an air compressor to shout "Gawh!" at you on a run-down haunted house ride.  Also, stop interrupting me.

"I got your nose!"

Anyway... not so suddenly an animatronic skeleton in tattered clothes opens the top of a coffin which the camera does a long focus on.  Then the skull face precedes to stare into your soul with his eyelid-less eye holes that each contain a glass eye.  This happens for an uncomfortable five seconds before he moves his robotic bone jaw and introduces himself.  His name is Igor and he wants to warn you about how shitty life is by telling you three random stories.  Also, he might be the dead skeleton of the host of The Twilight Zone because he sounds like him.  That, or this is some lame rip-off ploy to make an homage slash allusion to a recognized franchise, but clearly from the outset, this movie is way too honest to resort to cheap mimicry.

The vultures reflect on possible better homages.

Now, back to the above cheap mimicry...Igor's quips are joined by the punchlines of surrounding chatty animatronic vultures.  Two of them appear to be Laurel and Hardy while three of them are rather stoogey.  Or maybe they're all just from New York.  Either way...AH! PLASTIC BAT IN YOUR FACE YOU UNSUSPECTING ASSHOLE!!!  Anyway, (you totally thought you were going to get rabies just then! You are so gullible) these really like to berate each other in a harsh, yet playful way for some reason.

While this mystery goes unsolved, Igor begins his first story about two adoption agents that are heading to an unorthodox appointment with potential adoptive parents in the middle of the night in a castle in the woods.  The male adoption agent is skeptical, while the female adoption agent is female.  Also, she mentions feeling some sort of unexplainable need to accommodate the potential adoptive parent dude she spoke with because, oh, she doesn't know.  She just did.  Once they arrive to the castle, it is clear this story is creeping up on very recognizable vampire-type territory.  Two pale people with fierce hair and lots of flowing clothes welcome them in shitty Romanian accents.  Yep.  These Euro-trash dick farts are clearly vampires (and bad character actors).  Once the agents enter the castle, the female agent continues to be charmed by the male vampire potential adoptive father while the male agent is sane and is creeping the fuck out.

"Velcome to our humblaahe ablaahode!"

The are-they-or-aren't-they Brangelina of vampires discuss their burning need to add to their growing food supply brood.  The male agent rejects this while the female agent promises to bring them a little boy.  Flash forward to some poor adolescent orphan being dumped at this couple's castle.  As they tuck him into bed and it becomes more and more apparent they are planning on totally sucking his blood or eating him or refusing to sleep with him because they love him so much or whatever, (vampire lore seems to change too often these days) shit gets real.  If I ruin it, it will be ruined  and I actually think you should see this movie.  The "twist" is campy good, though it might be familiar to some since the story is originally from an issue of the old bi-monthly horror comic, Haunt of Fear that was also reproduced later (and better) in an episode of the HBO series, Tales From the Crypt.  Though this version has an added twist to the twist which I didn't see coming.

"Why not just kill you guys? Gross. We only drink the
blood of unwanted children."

The next two stories become more twisted I guess, but are not any less goofy.  If you hate rats or love kittens and grandmas, abort.  The second story involves two grave robbers that double cross a kindly old and fat kitten-loving groundskeeper of a cemetery in the hopes that they can find some alleged entrance in the graveyard that leads to dead people gold treasure or something.  Somehow this goes awry for both parties.  The rats in the graveyard basement do not appreciate having their dead people gold treasure stolen and express as much.

"Mom, Grandma is trying to
kiss us with a shotgun again!"

The last story in the anthology is about another kindly old person, except this one is a woman in a wheelchair and claims to be a grandma.  Two unsuspecting grandchildren are dropped off at Grandma's house a week before Christmas by their self-absorbed shitty parents and must endure the next few days before their parents return.  Initially, everything is cool.  They open presents, drink cocoa, push around Grandma's wheelchair and pretend to listen to her old people stories.  Then, Grandma apparently runs out of don't-shoot-people pills and the kids learn how to hide well and cry quietly.  Don't worry, someone saves the day and yes, that means Santa totally kills Grandma by shooting her crippled ass out of a chimney.  I'm not sure if this should be applauded, but nevermind.  I though about it and it should.  Bottom line, this shitty anthology is worth a viewing.  Especially if you have beer and chips and salsa handy.  3D glasses and/or high expectations not required or advised. 

Shit Flying At Your Face: 6
Dead Old People: 2
Children Threatened With Violence: 3-6
Vaudeville References: 5?
Animatronic Things: 6
Times The Talking Skeleton Actually Creeped Me Out: 3
Kittens: 5
Rats: Infinity
Graveyard Scenes: 2
Children Fostered By Vampires: 6
Capes: 1
Twilight Zone References: 8
Santa Cameos: 1-2
     

TEC Podcast: Episode 29: Shit, I'm Gonna Get My Shirt Dirty

It's a ninja challenge Enemaniacs! With Episode 29 we bring you legendary chopsocky B-movie director, Godfrey Ho, 1987's NINJA KILL that involved at least five scenes with ninjas we think! We know this because their headbands labeled them as such. My guests include The Friendly Voices Podcast co-hosts, comedian Adam Firestone and art guy/visionary Barry Blankenship! Expect KFC biscuit shout-outs, a Green Lantern review (sort of) and several apologies.