Some kids don't like the real world. This is a valid thought process, especially for a nerdy youth in the 1980's when the real world was pretty shitty. In order to cope with the limitations of reality, a lot of nerds retreated into fantasy worlds. Some of those fantasy worlds involved breaking things and hurting puppies, but for "normal" nerds, their fantasy world was full of ogres, dragons, thieves and rogues. Yes, I am in fact giving a slow introduction to the fantastical and legendary role playing game, Dungeons & Dragons. Since some people in the 1980's still believed in God, those weirdo fanatics decided that D&D was harmful to kids and would lead to the warlock witchery corruption of their white youth. To capitalize on this conspiracy, several straight to video fantasy/horror films were made at the time using the fear of table top gaming and computer game corruption. Tom Hanks was even in one. This genre is full of enjoyable cinematic turds. Unfortunately, turns out, 1983's SKULLDUGGERY is not one of them.
GRAPHIC PHOTO: D&D in play!
The general plot of this film involves a group of English theater nerds from different age ranges that regularly meet for a table top medieval style game, similar to D&D, but that comes equipped with a giant castle on the board and larger than usual gaming pieces. Clearly the script writing work of some asshole that has no idea what people really do when they play D&D. One of the players, a guy named Adam, comes from a long line since medieval times of cursed people. When a warlock or whatever "curses" his far off ancestors in the opening bit, he basically murders them. I'm not sure how this lends to a long family curse of the people capable of boning and continuing this blood line are magic murdered, but whatever. Fantasy. Anyways, so during the course of the first twenty minutes, Adam and presumably his girlfriend, a fellow and attractive gamer (lies) starts complaining of being so wrapped up in the game, that she hallucinates that she's playing ALL the time. Like, when they walk down the street and see some kids in knight costumes playing with wooden swords, she imagines she sees knights fighting with swords! Freaky shit!
More stuff happens introducing character backgrounds and the theater they are a part of, ALL BORING. Adam starts having visions related to the warlock and some creepy puppet jester that was in the theater. Then he starts killing people, seemingly possessed by either the warlock or the jester puppet. I'm not sure and at this point, I didn't care. The movie doesn't explain much related to this whole "curse" thing and I'm not sure why we're supposed to fear the possibility of role playing possessing us to murder since all we have to do is not be the descendent of a line of English people cursed by a warlock. Seems easy enough. Also, the characters are so dry and boring and the kills suffer from theatrical music, but no b-movie gore. This movie clearly attempted to be good, as in Masterpiece Theater episode good. Just one of it's many downfalls. I'm sure there were more, but I turned it off.
"...Every fuckin' retard thinks he's a rock star."
Turns out, the Devil, as in, Satan, totally loves hair metal. A lot. This is a safe assumption I've made based on several debatable facts I've learned from straight to tape movies. This is where most facts are safely hidden. Seriously, the Devil obviously loves hair metal so much that he's willing to teach a lot of people how to shred an axe/play guitar good in exchange for their drunken, bandana-laden and extremely flammable souls. The logical conclusion to be taken here is there must be awesome free rock shows in Hell. Although, since it's hell, they probably charge some really shitty cover at the door. Anyways, there have been a bevy of b-movies about the satanic art of rock, especially in the 80's when hair metal was at it's height of unironic goodness. With so many amazing shitty satanic rock movies to choose from, 1991's SHOCK EM' DEAD has a few things that makes it stand out from the average bargain bin video pack.
A. It's seems like the 80's, but it's the 90's.
B. Co-stars recent porn retiree, Traci Lords.
C. There is a lot of neon green slime in it.
D. It is actually pretty good.
"So my penis has like, three heads."
SHOCK EM' DEAD has everything thing you could want from a shitty rock n' roll hell film. Boobs, the aforementioned neon slime, puke takes, boobs, blatant racial insensitivity, zombies, women's blouses passed as bad ass male rock t-shirts (see Rock n' Roll Nightmare (1987), a hot tub, giant wigs, double headed guitars, ladies boobs, awful music, scenes in a pizzeria and murders! Tons of murders. Plus, the devil! Plus, a possibly gay disco queen lead singer who dispenses amazingly shitty one-liners! SOLD.
Martin decides eating soul dust has to taste better than cheese bread.
In case you skipped the trailer, SHOCK EM' DEAD tells the story of this guy Martin (Stephen “The Fight Professor” Quadros). Martin is a nerdy guy that wants to become a rock star. The only thing in Martin's way is his brokeness, his aforementioned nerdiness and his inability to play guitar. The only naked ladies he sees is his co-worker when she changes bras in the break room through a peep hole he carved in the wall. Sad and a little rapey. He even attempts to try out for a local "rocking" band, Spastique Kolon, (with aforementioned disco queen singer) whose band manager happens to be boner-inducing Lindsay (Traci Lords) and get's completely shit on. These circumstances would normally crush the Motley Crue inspired rock dreams of most thirty somethings working at a pizzeria and attempting to learn the guitar in order to have sex with people, but luckily for Martin, he happens to have an run in with a random racist stereotype of a voodoo lady that knows the witchery of the Devil. The Devil. She senses Martin's rock n' roll plight with her voodoo powers and makes a deal with him. He will become a rock god, but he has to sell his soul. Since Martin has clearly already sold his soul to the corporate machine, he has no qualms with this. Voodoo lady then stabs him in the chest, causing one of soon to be many moments of neon green slime to ooze from something. Martin screams in pain and opens his eyes to find he's in some weird cheap Thriller music video set where he bares witness to a faceless large haired man playing a two-headed guitar while ladies stroke his legs and stuff. Also, there is fog. Lots of fog. What the fuck is going on?!?
"Hey. I'm here to pick up
your daughter, Traci."
Suddenly, Martin wakes up in a somewhat expensive looking Hollywood Hills home with two half naked ladies laying in bed with him. What the what?!? Also, they're pretty cute. Huh? And he has lots of hair and piercings now. Get out! Plus, he totally knows how to shred on the guitar, like, HARD. Holy shit! He's a rockstar now! A rockstar of the Devil! The girls clue Martin in on a couple catches that have come with his new wig and penis. Pros, he's a rich rockstar with endless funds, guitar playing abilities and a hot tub! Plus, his wardrobe is full of pre-ripped tees and leather pants and his new lady friends sold their souls to the Devil in order to be beautiful, so their purgatory is to have sex with him until the end of time! Party! The cons are as follows, first con, he's actually totally dead. Second con, in order to stay "alive," he'll need to regularly murder people and breathe in their neon green mist/soul. Third con, his true self will be revealed in reflective objects, so, avoid those! Pretty sure all these things are worth have hot tub sex with Traci Lords. Or, at least in 1987 it would have been.
Sometimes hangin' with Angel is fun. Sometimes he has too many Grasshoppers. It's really embarrassing.
Martin, now going by his new good guitar playing name, Angel (get it), uses his new found Devil rock powers to try out for Spastique Kolon again (aka Devil induced nerd revenge) and not only does he get the gig for the upcoming Battle of the (40 year olds) Bands, he ends up replacing and soul sucking the spazzy lead singer! Plus, he pukes green ooze on the crowd at the show for some reason. This is not explained. Anyways, thus begins the rockin' rampage of Angel and his angels who throw the most killer house parties in town! Cause they eat people. As Angel starts killing off strangers and rivals left and right, he also attempts to woo Lindsay (Lords) away from her douchey beau, the always overlooked, band bass player. After several deaths and awkward moments in which Angel refuses to eat pizza with them, the band gets suspicious and realize he's a Devil person! Sadly, for actual nerd Martin/Angel and his groupie club made of actual burn victims and cancer patients, since the whole Devil deal thing and murdering people essentially overshadows their initial good intentions, they are all defeated/sent back to hell by Lindsay and her boyfriend.
Traci awakes from one of her many ongoing Ron Jeremy nightmares.
SHOCK 'EM DEAD is essentially a documentary about bullying and what it can lead to. I mean, Martin would have never made that deal with the Devil if he wasn't tormented so badly, right? It's actually a very sad statement about the lack of acceptance in the society we live in. Thankfully, it is also filled with green slime, big hair and naked boobs, so who cares!! Just remember, it's better to accept who you are rather than make deals with the Devil. Hopefully for you that person is already Traci Lords!
Shitty Rock Song Covers:1 Breast Implants:3 Half Shirts:5 Pepperoni Peep Holes: 1 Zombies: 2 Double Guitars: 2 Glowing Green Eyes: 10 Actual Electric Shocks: 1 Boobs: 6 Air Guitar On Real Guitar: 9 Guitar Play Face: 2 Dead Bodies: 4 Puke Scenes: 3 Dildo Drills: 1
For Episode 41, we gritted our teeth and clenched our fists through half-assed racist action drama, 1989's GHETTO BLASTER, which taught us that it takes a prankster to bring down a gangster! Sadly, no ghettos were harmed in the making of this right wing wet dream. Along for the ride were returning guests, comedian CORBETT CUMMINS and artist/Scarecrow Video employee ALEX THOMAS! Expect police sirens, broken dreams, cat raps and horrible parenting!
It's a brand new snowed in, claustrophobic, wine soaked episode of TEC, where in the spirit of the current Seattle snow storm, Producer Mark (aka Mark Allender) and myself decided to have our very own special episode to kill the time alone with each other! The shitty movie on deck for the night is appropriately, 1991's COOL AS ICE starring Vanilla Ice and other people! Prepare to hear several racist black-cents, the loss of teenaged innocence, a genuine moment of horror and another one of my unnecessary stories in over sharing!
Happy SNOW DAYEnemaniacs! This is what we've been watching over at TEC while trapped in our apartment. While incredibly 90's and shitty, it has really helped calm our misplaced anger towards all the douche bags snowboarding down the hill/street outside our window. Skate or die Shred till you're dead, bra!!
Rewind This!, a documentary about the history and culture surrounding VHS tapes, distribution, art and nostalgia, is currently in the post-production stage! Created from the brains and tireless work of Josh Johnson, Carolee Mitchell and Christopher Palmer of Austin, TX basedIPF Productions, this upcoming definitive documentary about the home video cinema includes interviews with Cassandra Peterson (better known as Elvira!), Lloyd Kaufman (Founder of Troma Entertainment!), Charles Band (Founder of Full Moon Features) and more!
Carolee, Josh and Christopher with Troma founder, Lloyd Kaufman!
If you have some extra change lying around, I suggest you make a donation to help this film into completion rather than a donation to your local McDonalds. Why am I pushing this so hard? Well obviously I love shitty movies and I love shitty movie art and I love shitty movies and shitty movie art on VHS. So hard. Check out the trailer. It will make you happy.
Oh and also I forgot to mention, I'm totally interviewed co-representing Scarecrow Video and The Enematic Cinematic in this documentary too! You're welcome!
Douchebaggery is finally properly portrayed on your silver screen!
P.S. Unless my scenes are completely cut, which is LIKELY, TEC will be featured it all it's glory in the finished product! What is for sure is that for now, I'm TOTALLY in the trailer!
Happy New Year's Enemaniacs! Just for you guys we threw together a special New Year's Eve episode full of blow job jokes, a giant cheese bowl, violent assaults, a scandalous story (not really) about "actor" Andy Dick and discussions about the difference between consent and permission! We stayed awake (most of us) through the entirety of 1987's British horror film, BLOODY NEW YEAR about a bunch of shipwrecked British teens sort of stranded at a ghost hotel that is perpetually stuck in a New Year's Eve haunted party triangle. Stayed awake! My guests are returning friend of TEC, comedian,EMMETT MONTGOMERY, visiting from New York, comedian DANIEL CARROLLand friend of comedy/Dan's childhood friend, ex-marine, PETER TRAN! Might want to keep your mace handy for this one.
For the last Christmas episode of 2011, our shitty movie of the evening was double the fun since it was a shitty rip-off of another shitty movie! It's the 1998 lowest budget version of almost every Christmas movie ever made, the straight to DVD non-heart-warming holiday masterpiece, DEAR SANTA starring Santa's Village of Sacramento, CA and the scripts of TheSanta Clause, one of the versions ofA Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story, respectively. My guests for this episode include comedians, ROSALIE GALE and JESSICA STRAUSS! Expect holiday music, owl rapping and I pose the eternal would you rather question, peanut butter or penis?
It's our first horrible holidayTEC episode of 2012 and in the spirit of the reason for the season or whatever, for Episode 37, we drank our way through bloody British Santa slasher, DON'T OPEN TILL CHRISTMAS! Made in 1984 and coming all the way from the land that invented dry humor and slavery! My guests include artist/fellow Scarecrow Video employee,MARC PALM and comedian CORBETT CUMMINS! Expect fart barn shout outs, a London Dungeon, Charlie Brown Hip Hop beats and obviously SPOT ON British accents!
It's THANKSGIVING at TEC and to celebrate we broke open some corner store wine, cream cheese and crackers and sat through 1983's Native-sploitation revenge flick,SCALPS! A group of twenty-something hippies set out to illegally gather Native artifacts in the desert for college "research" and low and behold, the Native American puppet ghosts and cat faced people in the area aren't having it! My guests for this decapitating, drum thumping episode are comedic writer/professional organizer, MICHELE COLYN and comedian BEN UDASHEN! Expect dad conversations, rapping over Native drumming, a fried bread song, revelations on Tim McGraw and an on air temper tantrum. Happy Thanksgiving Enemaniacs!!!
First of all, we need to have a moment of silence for hip hop legend,Heavy D. Then you should listen to Episode 35 where guest comedians, DAN DUARTE and DEVIN BADOO and I sat through horror/heavy metal film BLACK ROSES from 1988 about demons posing as a rock band to steal teenage small town souls starring denim and mustaches! Expect several tributes to Heavy D, conversations on Nutter Butters, raps about demons and serious amounts of insensitivity regarding obesity! Yay!
It's a special Halloween-themed Episode 34 of TEC recorded before Halloween and posted promptly on November 1st! We watched possibly one of the most BORING movies I've ever seen and definitely the WORST Halloween-themed movie I've ever seen, 1982's TRICK OR TREATS. My guests for this episode are comedians and Delicious Mediocrity co-hosts, DEREK SHEEN and DOUGLAS GALE! Expect spooky sounds, weed-fueled chit chat aboutSteve Perry and a fist pumping true story about Judas Priest front man, Rob Halford!
Even though I'm generally occupied with beer, string cheese and a stack of whatever bad movies had "apocalypse" in the description that day, I find the time to be aware of how shitty the current American economy is. Pabst Blue Ribbon should never cost more than $8 for a six pack. Anarchy! Anyways, I may not have a T.V. box, but I do ride the bus which has been re-routed several times due to the current Occupy Seattle movement.
"ZOMG! Sale at Mr. Rags you guys!"
I completely agree with the politics of the movement, but pooping in a bush and listening to bongo drums in the rain really isn't my deal, so to do our part here at TEC, in the spirit of taking down evil corporations and criticizing mass consumerism during the holiday season (unless you are consuming mass amounts of PBR and string cheese), I give you my list of the best of the worst horror movies involving mall murder and department store death! Okay, so the criticism on consumerism here is pretty poorly conceived, we're not talking Dawn of the Dead metaphors, but it's basically the idea with just more boobs! So break out your pepper spray and let's shop till we drop...our corporate bank accounts in favor of local credit unions!!! Fuck yeah!
5. THE INITIATION (1984)
B-Movie Genre:Horror/Slasher Criticism on Consumerism: Vapid, spoiled, rich sorority girls are mall murdered Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score:4 out of 10
KellyFairchild (metaphor!) is a wimpy emotional rich girl. She is portrayed by actress/Druish Princess/Melrose Place resident Daphne Zuniga. These are all parts of this film's plot. I think. Anyhow, Kelly has this weird fear of seeing people catch on fire due to this persistent nightmare she has been having since childhood of seeing a guy (who might be her birth father) on fire and possibly burn to death. This dream is portrayed in a dream sequence shown several time throughout the film in order to helpfully remind us she is a crazy person.
Since Kelly is already socially stunted due to these crippling burning man night terrors, she decides to head off to college and pledge a sorority. In case you don't know, sorority girls are bitches. Or at least that's the general rule of movies involving sorority girls. It might seem odd that a bunch of women that hate other women would choose to live in houses full of women, but you're going to have to remember that the key to great film fantasies like this is to suspend all disbelief. I think.
Even when written in murder blood, turn out Kelly is still not a menacing name.
Anywhos, so Kelly and her fellow pledges and soon-to-be sorority sisters at Delta Ro Kai have several discussions in over-sized t-shirts and underwear leading up to the ultimate unnecessary initiation dare that involves her breaking into a department store located in the local mall. Omigod. They are SO bad! Good news, her dad owns the store so this the feasible worse thing that could happen, would be an extended grounding more than jail time. Bad news, nothing equals a more permanent "grounding" than mall murder. God, I love puns. Also, turns out sometimes when you break into secure buildings, you can accidentally activate a lock down mechanism that prevents assumed criminals from leaving the premise. Trapped in a mall, what's a thin, attractive girl to do!?! Wait, you mean free ear piercings, Sbarro pizzas and Cinnabon's for me and all my friends?
"Omigod, Teresa, you spaz! What did I say about borrowing stuff from my room!"
Okay. Maybe I don't know what attractive thin girls do at malls. What I do know is that stolen mini skirt from Wet Seal isn't going to look that good on your totally dead body (death makes you gain like, ten pounds) since there is some killing killer person intentionally trapped in the mall too! From this point on, Kelly's "friends" are slowly stalked and murdered by this "unknown" mall maniac culminating in a massive climax involving...STUFF! Actually, I'm not too sure. I started paying only half assed attention mid-way through the movie when she started some awkward romance with a professor's aide after being submitted to a sleep study psych ward. Bored yet? Me too.
4. NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)
B-Movie Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy Criticism on Consumerism: Southern California, the land of fake boobs, movie magic and asshole celebrities, is destroyed by a passing comet which turns the population into dust or slowly dying brain dead zombies. Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 6 out of 10
Regina "Reggie" Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) is a disillusioned twenty something whose life consists of working at a small movie theater, boning her mediocre boyfriend, dealing with her teenage little sister and maintaining the top score on the arcade game Tempest. Everyone in the city is gearing up to watch the passing of a famed comet with the hopes of having something to do or being amazed by flashing lights or whatever. Reggie remains uninterested. The night of the comet (HEYO) she discovers that her Tempest score has been usurped by some dick fart with the initials, "DMK." Feeling as though her life has obviously lost all of it's true meaning, she decides to have a "I just want to forget" fuck in the projection booth at work with her boyfriend. Luckily for her, the steel lined walls protect these two horny kids from the unpredicted zombie radiation of the incoming passing comet.
"So, do you think ALF is like, cancelled now?"
After the fateful night the comet passes, everyone in SoCal has now become lifeless red dust or brain dead zombies. Like, literally instead of like, metaphorically! Reggie's BF is pretty much immediately murdered and eaten by an attacking zombie (see, mediocre), so she sets off to find her sister Sam (Kelly Maroney) who also spent the night in steel for some reason and has survived. The rest of the film consists of the two of them fending off zombies, meeting a Mexican, Mary Woronov and shady scientist types.
Sam reflects on the untimely passing of her parents.
Most importantly and why this film is included, Reggie and Sam eventually find refuge inside a mall. A sequence in which they dance around and try on different uns, slap bracelets and scrunchies while listening to Cyndi Lauper's feminist pop hit, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Cause when your friends and loved ones have been fried dead and the crying is done, oh girls, girls still want to have fun! Will they be able to fight off the zombified mall staff? Will the identity of DMK ever truly be revealed? When are they ever gonna live their lives rai-ight? Oh Daddy dear you know, the answer to all of those things is, like, obviously.
3. HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988)
B-movie Genre: Horror/Slasher Criticism on Consumerism: Misunderstood cross-dressing ex-con/crazy person and furniture store employee hunts down spoiled teenagers who break into the store to spend a night partying and boning. Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 8 out of 10
Let's say it's 1988. Leave out your past regrets, I'm just setting a scene. You and your white attractive (this word was more loosely applied in the 80's so it's okay) friends want to celebrate your upcoming high school graduation. What do you think? Cabo? Palm Beach? Six Flags? If you thought of any of these things, you are NOT concentrating on 1988 like I totally just TOLD you to DO! GAWD!!!! Anyway, why do something as gay as roller coasters or sandy beaches when you can break into your friend's dad's furniture store for a night and party?!?
"I call the bunk bed!"
That's right. Endless beds and beer? Um, yes! You mean my best friend and I can lose our virginity in adjacent beds in the same room while our unattached friends stand by in awkward silence? Awesome! I hope we can give birth to our first children this way! So as I just made clear, a group of wacky teens decide to do just that and break into one of their dad's furniture store to spend graduation night. While some of them wrestle with their moral upbringings in deciding whether or not the stage is set and the lights are right to finally become a woman, the rest of them just fuck each other.
Dear LGBT community,
Sorry.
Love, TEC
Meanwhile, an ex-con/store employee/cross dressing/crazy person is secretly living in the store's basement after receiving consensual permission from the owner who feels sorry for the poor guy. After he hears the ruckus created by the teens, lots of misunderstandings happen that lead to a fated game of hide and seek and a cross dressing murder spree! By the way, I'm not suggesting being a cross dresser makes you crazy, but if you are a man that dresses in women's clothing (which is totally your business) and stalk the streets at night looking for prostitutes to murder mid-bone than you are probably crazy. Moving on, one of the stand out parts about this film that helps it to earn an 8 out of 10 for department store deaths, is the fact that it includes one of the greatest decapitation shots in an elevator ever. Also, it manages to ball every inappropriate old horror cliche/80's social stigma into one killer by making him a gay, cross-dressing, punk rock, murdering, ex-con with tattoos. Bravo HIDE AND GO SHRIEK. Bravo.
2. PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1989)
B-Movie Genre: Horror/Comedy/Romance Criticism on Consumerism: Local Mayor is bought off by corporate giant who burns down a young man's house when he refuses to sell in order to build a giant mall on the property. Dicks. Mall Madness Score: 9 out of 10
One time, in a year far far away, someone that was French wrote a novel called Phantom of the Opera or the French equivalent anyway. It tells the romantic story of a disfigured composer who stalks a young opera singer and tries to woo her with murders and kidnapping. Or is that the musical? Or the movie? Or, who cares? Well anyways, PHANTOM OF THE MALL: (spoiler alert) ERIC'S REVENGE is similar in the way that he wears the half mask, is disfigured and get's creepy with a non-disfigured girl. Eric (Derek Rydall) is a young and hunky house owner dating young and girl hunky Melody (Kari Whitman). A corporate honcho has been pressuring him to sell his property so he can tear down Eric's house and build a gigantor mall. Eric, knowing how hard it must be to find cheap housing in the Valley, refuses, thus setting in motion his path to disfigurement and phantoming. The corporate big wig sends a thug out to Eric's place to set it on fire. Unfortunately, Eric and Melody are inside at the time involved in romantic coitus. As the fire envelopes the house, Eric risks his life to save Melody's, pushing her out of a window as the house falls on top of him.
"Nobody murders in my mall
I built on murder. Nobody!"
Cut to a year or some more later - the corporate guy succeeds and the Midtown Mall is erected on Eric's previous property. The whole city, even Mayor Karen Wilton (Morgan Fairchild) have come out to oversee the opening of the new mall. Melody, still alive and unscarred, comes to the mall opening with her friend to look for a job. If you're wondering why she hasn't been suing the fuck out of these people who obviously murdered her boyfriend, it will become obvious. This character we are supposed to find sympathetic and meek is actually a heartless asshole. This is not implied, but obvious to any normal person who has ever loved and lost someone to a murderous fire mid-coitus. Just saying.
Pauly Shore works hard to pay off all he owes for nugs, weezin and grindage.
So as the film progresses, we see a shadowy figure with a half mask climbing through air ducts, spying on Melody, petting pictures of her face and murdering the fuck out of anyone who harasses her. This becomes obvious pretty quickly that it is Eric. Technically, the title sort of gives it away. Melody is eventually hired at a murder mystery themed mall restaurant. Oh the obvious, trying too hard irony! The corporate guy and his thugs soon recognize Melody and try to do her in during her day job. Thankfully, poor, crazy, confused, and burn scarred Eric is there to save her every time. We are eventually introduced to Peter (Rob Estes of Silk Stalkings), a young reporter who gets involved in the mystery of Eric's death and falls for, but mostly just wants to bone Melody. We are also introduced to a young Pauly Shore who is named Buzz in the film and plays Melody's friend, a frozen yogurt shop employee who eventually shows us his butt.
"Geronimall!"
After several life saving situations, romantic notes, flowers and secret gifts, Melody finally puts together that the phantom might be, omigod...Eric?!? To confirm this, she and new soon-to-be boyfriend Peter dig up his grave which is, WHAT? EMPTY?!?!? I don't think you can actually get away with this at a mortuary without anyone knowing, but I'm no death expert. Following the grave disturbance (pun!), the thugs attack Melody again in which Eric finally whisks her away to the lovely mall catacombs where they are reunited. He professes his love to her. Melody on the other hand makes no mention of, "Oh my God, I'm so glad you weren't burned to death," or "Thanks for saving my life which has caused you to sacrifice your mental well being and physical appearance," or "Thanks for saving me all those other times," instead she just becomes grossed out and asks Eric if she can leave. This rightfully pisses him off and he flips out, deciding to blow up the mall and all the assholes that tried to murder him within it. Peter finally makes his way through the air ducts, finds Eric's lair and grabs Melody. They run away and clear out the mall of all the innocent vapid people that don't deserve to be blown up.
Mayor Karen decides to STICK around! Ha! God, I'm funny.
Eric comes face to burned face with his murderers, including the, SHOCK, girl mayor. All the bad guys and girls, besides assholes, Melody and Peter, who are now in love for some reason, escape the mall bomb Eric sets off. Don't worry, no Pauly Shore butts were harmed in the bombing of this mall. This movie gets 9 out of 10 for a Mall Madness score because the entire thing happens in a mall, plus actual legit 80's mall stores such as B. Dalton Books, Sam Goody and Miller's Outpost are shown. Oh, the pointless memories! It only comes shy of one point for making the lead characters (not including the mall phantom) some of the most unsympathetic dick weeds ever. Long live Eric!
1. CHOPPING MALL (1986)
B-Movie Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi Criticism on Cosumerism: State of the art robots placed in the local mall for security purposes go rogue and murder sex-having teenagers. Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 10 out of 10!!!
For B-movie lovers, this is the most obvious go-to non-shocking pick for #1 mall-related horror films. Though it was an easy choice, tt simply can't be topped. CHOPPING MALL is the Holy Grail of all bad mall murder! Starring Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class) and Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their roles from Eating Raoul! Plus, killer robots!
Okay, so if you don't know, CHOPPING MALL tells the story of four teenage couples who decide to stay after hours in the furniture store some of them work at in the Park Plaza Mall for what else...a night of beds and beer! Unfortunately for their as yet unlasered butts and unblown up heads, the mall has just installed a new (painfully 80's) state of the art security system involving futuristic robot guards (who laser butts and blow up heads)!
"You dickweed! You totally messed up my hair!"
When a bumbling janitor spills water on the robots, they some how get rewired and go rogue, murdering the janitor with lasers and trapping the as yet unsuspecting couples inside the mall. Once the couples figure out about the deadly robo-murdering going on, it's all out mayhem as half naked girls run from robots only to have their heads blown off! Need I really say more?!? Occupy the CHOPPING MALL and get me one of these killbots for Christmas!
"Honey, hurry up before
your dinner wakes up again!"
Though Mother's Day is in May, here at The Enematic Cinematic, we believe mothers should be celebrated/feared all the year round and what better way to celebrate mothers than to associate them with other worldly, bone chewing, blood sucking, wallet emptying sub-creatures! You know, cause like that's what women do. Metaphors! Plus, let's not leave out those underrated lower level, poison apple feeding, money-grubbing, barf bags, aka Stepmothers! Cause, you know, someone has to fuck Dad after Mom dies of breast cancer!
Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.
Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible). Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien." Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)! Hooray! Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies! Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!
3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)
Feminist Tagline:"She's gorgeous and she's never been kissed. Needless to say, she's from a different planet." Starring(?):Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor:5 out of 10
Kim Basingerplays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life. Yeah. What a bitch. Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to. Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste'sBasingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.
"What? This hat is like, all the rage on planet European Voguearth."
I mean, she dresses WAY too 80's, even for the 80's and doesn't know how to do normal stuff like eat food and give hand jobs. What kind of Basinger doesn't know how to give a hand job? Also, she noticed Celeste talking to a penis-shaped alien in her purse. That was probably the clencher. Of course Dad is way too enthused about this woman being clearly out of his league and dismisses Jessie's facts as childhood jealousy. Bummer. Don't worry though, Jessie has a lovable yet bungling uncle (Jon Lovitz) and a brace-faced beau (Seth Green) to share her woes with about the possible end of the world. They don't listen to her either, actually.
Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as
familiar with the busting of aliens.
Eventually Celete's alien status is discovered by Steven, (who some how didn't see it coming despite the fact she kisses him while doing a pelican dance and can read a book with her hand) and just in time because the alien horde is descending and Celeste has got some hard decisions to make. Return to BasingerSexiter where she will remain young, blonde and Baldwin-less forever or stay in Citytown, married to a bloating Dan Aykroyd with mothering responsibilities to a fiery-tempered nosey gingeresque. This could go either way, but I think you know which road she takes. I rate this Movie Mom Monster a 5 for being fairly creepy only due to her alien penis companion, but the fact that she softens up and falls in love is a total pussy move.
2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)
Feminist Tagline:"Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis." Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor:8 out of 10
Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife. Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid. Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom. During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon. The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf. Like, seriously in real life. What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time. Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.
At least you don't have to blow your bloated husband anymore?
Now, Leslie has to deal with being a boring housewife and a bloodthirsty killer! While most people might find this exciting, Leslie is all concerned about her armpits getting too hairy and killing her family by accident and stuff. Meanwhile, her precocious young daughter (not Alyson Hannigan), Jennifer has started noticing her mom is either turning into a non-recycling hippie, or a mythical beast of the night. Luckily she has a weirdo goth friend (not Corey Feldman) who knows a thing or two about monster symptoms. Their premonitions are backed by an ominous future prediction given to them by a fortune-telling, bad-accented Ruth Buzzi (who is in this movie for some reason). Now it's up to Jennifer to stop her mom's rampaging hormones and bathtub drain clogging before it's too too late! Of course in fun, friendly family romp like this, it never is really. I give this Movie Mom Monster an 8 out of 10 because werewolves scare THE SHIT out of me and the werewolf makeup when the mom gets more beasty is actually kind of Teen Wolf good.
1. Stepmonster (1993)
Feminist Tagline:"She's not just a bad mother. She's hazardous to your health!" Starring(?):Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor:10 out of 10
Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise. On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits. As in, growling and chewing bones. When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur). Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.
Till your wife clawing you open and sucking your bones do you part.
The goriest of the campy, mom monster genre, it's viewable level is aided by the smarmy Alan Thicke as the clueless dad, the showering Ami Dolenz (of The Monkees sperm bank fame) and The Lost Boys revisited scene stealing of a drugged up Corey Feldman, pre-emulating Michael Jackson years. Also, the stepmom creature looks like a giant Gremlin (FUCK!) and although the effects aren't really scary, having a human-eating monster for a stepmom is probably the more frightening of all the mom monster scenarios. Therefore, I give this movie a whopping 10 out of 10Movie Mom Monster rating.
Some kids don't like the real world. This is a valid thought process, especially for a nerdy youth in the 1980's when the real world was pretty shitty. In order to cope with the limitations of reality, a lot of nerds retreated into fantasy worlds. Some of those fantasy worlds involved breaking things and hurting puppies, but for "normal" nerds, their fantasy world was full of ogres, dragons, thieves and rogues. Yes, I am in fact giving a slow introduction to the fantastical and legendary role playing game, Dungeons & Dragons. Since some people in the 1980's still believed in God, those weirdo fanatics decided that D&D was harmful to kids and would lead to the warlock witchery corruption of their white youth. To capitalize on this conspiracy, several straight to video fantasy/horror films were made at the time using the fear of table top gaming and computer game corruption. Tom Hanks was even in one. This genre is full of enjoyable cinematic turds. Unfortunately, turns out, 1983's SKULLDUGGERY is not one of them.
