For Episode 62, we take you on a mega rad journey full
of mega motorcycles, mega hair moose and mega man bumps, it's 1982's
mega weird action comedy, MEGAFORCE starring Barry Bostwick, bleach and jock straps! My mega special guests include filmmakers, friends and TEC vets, JASON RYAN and COLIN THIEL as well as brand new guest, film buff and fashion expert, LETIZIA ACOSTA! Expect mega dick jokes, mega beer drinking, mega meta moments and mega bad rapping!
"But Mom, I like the taste of blood! Grandpa says it's good for me."
On this night, bathed in
the light of a harvest moon, fairly close to the week before the week
before All Hallows Eve, we bring you a tale of won-ton witchcraft, a
family curse and monstrously bad metal, it's 1988's HACK-O-LANTERN about
a mother trying to stop her oldest son Tommy from his destiny as the
spawn of Satan and his creepy grandpa who is the head of a secret
sacrificing people cult and wears way too many silver rings!! Just when
it couldn't get wackier, a masked killer is on the loose, hacking and
slashing everything BUT pumpkins!! Will the masked killer totally ruin
the Halloween party at Town Hall? Will Tommy complete his grandpa's
ritual and finally front the devil's metal band? Will this town ever run
out of candles and pentagram jewelry?? Find out at TEC LIVES!
Hosted by:
ELICIA SANCHEZ
(Comedian/TEC Creator/Lover of Tackiness)
Co-hosts:
TRAVIS VOGT & KEVIN CLARKE
(Comedians/Filmmakers/Major Movie Nerds)
Technical Adviser/DJ:
MARK "PRODUCER MARK" ALLENDER
(Artist/Cartoonist/Producer Of Things)
with
Special guest
DOUGLAS GALE
(Comedian/Craftsman/Retired Warlock)
PLUS
trivia w/prizes from The White Rabbit, Scarecrow Video and Ugly Baby and La Ru!! Specially themed devilishly delicious cocktails to appease
your taste buds and a frighteningly good time!!
Doors @ 7:30
Show starts @ 8:00 PM
Be sure to come early and enjoy some totally terrible b-movies trailers from 7:30 'til showtime!!
Every month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The Enematic Cinematic
LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of watching a shitty movie
with friends, strangers and booze, combined with a live taping of The
Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live audience person and
featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and general randoms off
the street in town! The movies will always be bad, but the times will
always be good! COME for the horribly shitty movie w/comedic commentary
and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast taping LIVE! NO COVER!!
Here's what people we know said about TEC: LIVES!!:
"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com
It's the September edition ofTEC: LIVES!! and this time we're kicking up THE JAMS. It's a straight up slumber party pajama jam at The White Rabbit while we celebrate 80's teen angst, Travis' birthday and the 1989 kind-of-musical teen comedy, TEEN WITCHabout
a total nerd who finds out she has magical witching powers and uses
them to make her totally 80's high school wishes come true! Also,
rapping happens. Along for this radical magical pajamical journey is our
special guest,MISS ANITA GOODMANN! Expect an extreme lack of pajamas, high school confessions, girl talk and the phrase 'hot f**k action'. TOP THAT.
WE'RE BACK in the safety of our cramped apartment where the beer is sort
of free and the cheese puffs are super stale! Thanks to Producer Mark's
tinkering capabilities, his sound board is officially off the fritz and
we've got our first non-live episode since last summer! To welcome us
home is 1989's only-on-VHS seriously weird slasher, DEATH SPA,
about a killer disabled ghost wife who with the help of her male twin
she possesses off and on, is wreaking havoc at her widowed husband's
sexy 80's gym! Also, computers are involved. Back on the couch, we have
brand new very special guest all the way from Austin, director of the
new VHS documentary REWIND THIS, Josh Johnson! Expect confusing kills, confessions from the cutting room floor, my vain attempts to remain sober and a Producer Marksecret reveal (kind of)!
"Just go talk to him!" "Are you kidding? I'd be so embarrassed. Look at how funky he is."
You guys, omigod, it's like, totally fall again! While some of us are
heading back to school (gag) and some of us are just going back to work
(mega gag), some of us, (specifically TEC crew members Travis 'Sweet
Tea' Vogt, Elicia 'Doctor Sanchez' Sanchez and special guest Jennifer
Burdette are all celebrating their birthdays! To help ring in another
year(s) tacked onto 30, we're having a special bad movie birthday blow
out with a totally unnecessary 80's slumber party theme! That's right
dudes, it's a straight up PAJAMA JAM. Come enjoy the totally terrible
80's teen comedy, TEEN WITCH (starring Blake Lively's older sister)
about a nerd who finds out she has special magical spell-casting powers!
Will she finally get to french that guy with the face and the car? Will
Robert Blake's son do a lot of free-style "rapping"? Will the 80's be
fully represented in a super 80's way? All of this and more at the next
TEC: LIVES!! Don't forget to wear YO JAMS (aka your favorite pajamas)!!
Hosted by:
ELICIA SANCHEZ
(Comedian/TEC Creator/Lover of Tackiness)
Co-hosts:
TRAVIS VOGT & KEVIN CLARKE
(Comedians/Filmmakers/Major Movie Nerds)
Technical Adviser/DJ:
MARK "PRODUCER MARK" ALLENDER
(Artist/Cartoonist/Producer Of Things)
with
Special guestS
JENNIFER BURDETTE
(Writer/Humorist/Hair Artist/Birthday Buddy)
and
MISS ANITA GOODMANN
(Comedian/Lady of Leisure/Karaoke connoisseur)
PLUS TRUTH OR DIE and GIRL TALK questions w/prizes from The White
Rabbit, Scarecrow Video and Ugly Baby Shower Art!! Specially themed
cocktail concoctions that will make your toils and troubles disappear
and a magically good time!
Doors @ 7:30
Show starts @ 8:00 PM
Be sure to come early and enjoy some totally terrible b-movies trailers from 7:30 'til showtime!!
Every month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The Enematic Cinematic
LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of watching a shitty movie
with friends, strangers and booze, combined with a live taping of The
Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live audience person and
featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and general randoms off
the street in town! The movies will always be bad, but the times will
always be good! COME for the horribly shitty movie w/comedic commentary
and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast taping LIVE! NO COVER! Here's what people we know said about TEC: LIVES!!:
"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com
In the futuristic future, we bring you space Episode 58 with an epic
space tale of sweat and sorrow courtesy of 1989 sci-fi/fantasy/sports
saga film ARENA,
about a human Earth man who goes from short order cooking to fighting
for the champion space title of the space arena in space year 4038! It
will be a legendary battle of man vs. monster, eyes vs. brain, booze vs.
booze and more! Joining us on the journey of space self-discovery is
special guest comedian,RYAN CASEY. Expect deadly robot impressions, voice-over trivia, monster jock strap raps and our very own human future, revealed!
In honor of Mother's Day that happened this month, we here at TECdecided to give back, by showing all the ungrateful children what could be worse with 1988's horror/comedyFLESH EATING MOTHERS!
A group of suburban housewives catch a mysterious VD which not only
sucks, it bites! Join us with our Mayday special guest, non-mom/comedian
MONICA NEVI
as we explore the true meaning of motherhood, labial injections, the
history of penicillin, who truly is the boss and some really sincere,
solemn rap songs for moms.
In a not-so-far-off
land and a somewhat magical place, there presides a band of merry
miscreants whose only pleasures are the pursuit of bountiful ales, the
consumption of tatered tots and the viewing of catastrophically crappy
cinema! They be the cursed TEC LIVESCrew and this eventide, thoust must join Lady ELICIA of SANCHEZ, Sir KEVIN of CLARKE, Sir TRAVIS of VOGT, Duke PRODUCER MARK of ALLENDER and verily handsome special April guest, Lord PAUL of MERRILL as we partake in year nineteen eighty of nine shot-on-video non-masterpiece,LORDS OF MAGICK! Beware, young traveler, for there will be Witchery! Wizards raps! Bad English accents! Also, we finally discover whether there truly be, a raffle in here.
Each year, as the futuristic future looms ahead and most of us prepare
for the inevitable world 1980's apocalypse that will force everyone to
live in "New Arizona," drive quads and wear mohawks, the fortune telling
gypsies at Empire Pictures were hard at work at a vision of things to
come, aka 1989's straight-to-video sci-fi non-classic, ARENA! Taking
place in the foreseeable year of 4038, our prime entertainment is the
Arena fighting match, pitting alien against
alien...that is until Earth man/short order cook Steve Armstrong gets a
chance in the ring. Will Steve be the first humanoid Arena champion
since the last one? Will the blonde lady he likes intercourse him?
Will the actors boxing in the alien suits die of heat stroke? Only time
(and this terrible movie) will tell!
Hosted by: ELICIA SANCHEZ (Comedian/TEC Creator/Lover of Tackiness) Co-hosts: TRAVIS VOGT & KEVIN CLARKE (Comedians/Filmmakers/Major Movie Nerds) Technical Adviser/DJ: MARK "PRODUCER MARK" ALLENDER (Artist/Cartoonist/Producer Of Things)
with
Special guest
RYAN CASEY
(Champion Comedian/Humanoid/Bear Boxer)
PLUS trivia w/prizes from The White Rabbit, Scarecrow Video and Ugly
Baby Shower Art!! Specially themed cocktails to help you make it through
that last round and a brawling good time!!
Doors @ 7:30
Show starts @ 8:00 PM
Be sure to come early and enjoy some awful movie trailers!!
*Every second Tuesday of the month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The
Enematic Cinematic LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of
watching a shitty movie with friends, strangers and booze, combined with
a live taping of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live
audience person and featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and
general randoms off the street in town! COME for the horribly shitty
movie w/comedic commentary and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast
taping LIVE! NO COVER!
"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com "Interesting."--Vern, AintItCoolNews.com "Cleansing?"--Lindy West, Jezebel.com
"You know, my mother told me to never deck a lady, but she didn't say shit about a cannibal!"
Mothers. Can't live without them (literally), but also can't convince
them to stop eating your baby brother! Ugh, childhood. With Mother's Day firmly in the rear view mirror at the time of this episode, we've decided to dedicate this month's show to mothers
everywhere with a super special, super bloody Mayday Mother's Day TEC
LIVES featuring a horror comedy crapfest about some suburban moms with
uncontrollable carnivorous kid cravings, 1988's FLESH EATING MOTHERS!
It's matriarchal mayhem rated 3B for Blood, Beasts and Barely Watchable
Content! Along for the guilt trip are as always, your host and TEC creator, the very matronly ELICIA SANCHEZ, your co-hosts, filmmakers and reputable mama's boys TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE and special guest, comedian and known non-mom, MONICA
NEVI! Enjoy drink specials and drink prizes, gifts from sponsors Scarecrow Video and Ugly Baby Shower Art and a conceivably good time! So be sure to sit up straight, eat all your vegetables, stop making
that face and don't forget to call your mother!
Doors @ 7:30 Show starts @ 8:00 PM
Be sure to come early and enjoy some weird ass movie clips and awful movie trailers!!
*Every second Tuesday of the month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The
Enematic Cinematic LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of
watching a shitty movie with friends, strangers and booze, combined with
a live taping of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live
audience person and featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and
general randoms off the street in town! COME for the horribly shitty
movie w/comedic commentary and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast
taping LIVE! NO COVER!
"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com "Interesting."--Vern, AintItCoolNews.com "Cleansing?"--Lindy West, Jezebel.com
In a not-so-far-off land
and a somewhat magical place, there presides a band of merry miscreants
whose only pleasures are the pursuit of bountiful ales, the consumption
of tatered tots and the viewing of catastrophically crappy cinema! They be the cursed TEC LIVESCrew and this eventide, thoust presence is graciously requested by order of the Queen
to join Lady ELICIA of SANCHEZ, Sir KEVIN of CLARKE, Sir TRAVIS of VOGT, Duke PRODUCER MARK of ALLENDER and verily handsome special April guest, Lord PAUL of MERRILL as we partake in a cost free screening of year nineteen
eighty of nine shot-on-video non-masterpiece, LORDS OF MAGICK! Beware, young traveler, for there will be Witches! Wizards! Wigs! Fair maidens! Terrible beasts! And even more terrible special effects! Gifts of Kingly riches by way of Scarecrow Video and Ugly Baby Shower Art! And ales all around! Do as thou wilt, but
methinks thou shan't miss such splendid revelry! So, if ye be brave...your quest awaits!We will see thee post haste, for tonight WE WINE IN FREMONT!
Get ready to wipe the steam off your iPod screens, Enemaniacs, because this one's gonna be HOT! It's Episode 55 of TEC recorded live at The White Rabbitin Fremont with this month's sexy Stamosy spy thriller, 1986's NEVER TOO YOUNG TO DIE starring John Stamos, Vanity, Gene Simmons, Robert Englund and George Lazenby. No, I'm serious. Did I mention that John Stamos is the son of a secret spy who must avenge his father's death after he is murdered by an evil transexual mastermind played by Gene Simmons?? Join the TEC Crew and this month's guest, comedian NICK SAHOYAH
as we dissect this only-on-VHS enematic espionage, that's if we don't
get lost in Stamos' steamy stare for too long...Expect real tongue talk,
the untold story of Vanity's horse saddle, sad theme music, butt tenderizing and the broadcast debut of our #1 new Enemaniac, EMILY!
Love is in the air, along with the sweet aroma of a street hardened
Scott Valentine, vegetarian meats and low self-esteem. That's right,
it's a very February TEC Episode 54, recorded live at The White Rabbit in Fremont, post a full-on screening of 1987's horror rom-com, MY DEMON LOVER! Poor Kaz (Scott Valentine)
has been cursed as a "pisotski," meaning he can't get turned on,
without turning into a demon! Luckily this is just up the alley of local
door mat Denny, who is just looking for love in all the wrong trash
cans. Will these two crazy kids find a way to make it work? Find out,
along with the TEC Crew and this month's special guest, comedian/cabaret performer/much beloved Seattle drag superstar, ANITA GOODMANN! Expect Scott ValentinePlaygirl spread secrets, advice to the home challenged charmers in the world, scandalous details on the long term 'partnership' of TRAVIS and KEVIN and a hellish devil worshiping rap off that will possibly leave you questioning the existence of God!
Okay, so maybe this is not an 'actual' movie trailer, but if this scene ALONE doesn't sell this sci-fi sexploitation Chinese film, ROBOTRIX, to you, then you don't like bad movies!
Winter has come, Enemaniacs, so come, warm yourself by the fire and get ready to take in a cold-ass glass of vengeful revenge! It's Episode 53 and another live edition of TEC, with 1988's ski chalet slasher, ICED,
about a suicidal skier that gets back at his tormenters the best way he
knows how...icicles, hot tubs, snow plows and cocaine! Along for this
wintery wonderland are as always, my co-hosting co-hosts,
comedians/filmmakers TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE and special guest for January, Chicago-based comedian WILFRED PADUA! Expect toilet paper stuffery, carrot cutting, man butts and the soothing sounds of Chicago! It's the most snow nonsense episode we've had all year!
It's Episode 52 with another horrible holiday themed
rousing addition of the LIVE version of the show! Since it was the
December edish of the show, we gifted ourselves and our audience with
not only our main feature, 1984 crazy kid French film,I BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS (aka HERE COMES SANTA CLAUS), but as a special Christmas bonus, we also watched 1994 straight-to-video nightmare, WE WISH YOU A TURTLE CHRISTMAS (watch at your own risk and for god sakes, be SOBER). Also, in appropriate X-mas fashion, myself, along with my co-hosts, KEVIN CLARKE and TRAVIS VOGT,
precede to imbibe in much merriment (aka whiskey) in order to catch up
with much merrier special guest of the evening,
rapper/wrestler/performer/professional clown, JOSH BLACK (aka WXPFL's Ronald McFondle)! Expect puppy tosses, child endangerment, tater tot balls and several shots!
"...I don't have to believe in it to kill for it."
Remember that time in 1999 when the reality of living in the year 2000 seemed like science fiction fantasy talk? A time in which we all believed that if somehow, the human population managed to make it through the next ten years, either we'd all live on the moon or the Earth would explode in a meteoric catastrophe? Or, at the very least, all computer life would cease to exist because obviously the internet cannot reset its internal clock for a decade that only time-traveling robots have seen? Then came the night that that lit up ball dropped in Times Square at 12:00 AM on New Years Day and we realized, "Wait as second...hey, I'm still alive!" Well, unless you were a person that died on that day, but for everyone else, it's totally the futuristic 2000's! We're going to move to Mars! Meet Big Foot! Invent a time machine and kill the dinosaurs! Find Jimmy Hoffa! Solve the Jesus mystery! Sure, as of 2013 none of that has happened (YET), but back in our optimistic years when 2001 rolled around, we may not have had flying cars or machines that can materialize "Earl Grey, hot" on demand either, but there were still a butt-load of monumental important achievements in science and technology arising! For examples:
Xtreme breath leadsto Xtreme sex, bro!
1. I graduated from high school (go whatever that team mascot was)! Plus, I had to sit with a straight face through a graduation ceremony that featured a Vitamin C song that brought tears to at 200 young people's eyes. Gross. 2. A pre-Scientologied Will Smith declared the decade the 'Willenium' and cemented this fact with the help of The Clash, Eva Mendes and the fact he still appeared normal at the time. 3. Inflatable plastic furniture and silver lipstick become all the rage! Ugh, shouts David Bowie! 4. Boy bands are back with a boner-inducing VENGEANCE. Thanks, Florida! 5. Finally, everything everywhere began kicking it into higher gear and going to the...XTREME!
Deodorant (Right GuardXTREME), soft drinks (Do the Dew, BRO!) and extreme sports (skateboarding, small bicycling and *ROLLAH BLAHDES)! But of course, of all these strange new inventions and ways of living, the most extremely extreme pioneer of all things to the limit on the edge of the breaking point was, obviously, none other than soft spoken non-leading man actor, TREAT WILLIAMS! That's right, Treat "Fairy-Tale-Theatre-Dead-Heat-Straight-To-Video-Softcore-Erotic-Thriller" Williams (as he's known in most social circles)!
I've got a sweet Treat for you class!
In 2001, a beat-down Treat set out to do his dew and give helicopter-flying/train-crashing/mountain-climbing action flicks the 'Treat'ment' with 2001's Xtreme Action Adventure flick, EXTREME LIMITS (aka Crash Point Zero). Check out the pulse pounding, fire-shooting, car-crunching, doomsday-devicing, government-conspiracy-building trailer below!
:
In case the plot isn't GLARINGLY obvious in it's entirety in the trailer,EXTREME LIMITS tells the harrowing, white-knuckle, bare-chested story of the not so world-renowned Dr. Maurice Hunter (John "Passions" Beck) and his daughter, plain-faced Nadia (Julie "What did you say?" St. Claire) who dabble in antiques (and possibly wilderness living/mountain climbing, this is never confirmed). After a nefarious organization of fleece-wearing terrorists finds out that Dr. Maurice is an expert in all things written from books of historical bullshit, he and Nadia are kidnapped by some gun-toting thugs who force the pair into aiding and abetting the bad guys to find a long-lost doomsday weapon thought to be made of only myth and legend. On a side note, now do you see what they did there with the main-ish character's last name? Maurice Hunter? You may have found it banal at the time, but now IT ALL COMES TOGETHER. Reminds me of how every time Stephen, Go-Gurt and I (I call George LucasGo-Gurt, it's no big deal, just a funny pet name between college roommates, you wouldn't get it) have brunch together every third Sunday of the month and I'm always reminding them that my only real complaint about that Indiana Jones franchise was that main character's name. So plain! What exactly does this guy do? What is he, a porn star? Your neighbor? How about Indiana AncientArtifactFinder? Now there's a real action hero with a doctorate in archeology! I mean, come on, have some goddamn imagnation you lazy fucks! But, I digress.
"Stand back! It's electrical!"
Thankfully for the micro-fleeced, small pony-tailed terrorists in EXTREME LIMITS and the gas money they had to have spent on the trip, according to EXTREME LIMITS lore, famed electrical engineer, Nicola Tesla, did IN FACT, build a "death ray" which he did INDEED not-so-smartly hide in the Siberian Mountains! What are the odds? Also, what is a 'death ray'? Well, this deadly futuristic weapon, also known as 'Tesla's Death Ray,' (though it was referred to as 'Tesla's Folly' until he proved it could actually work...just a little antique dealer/archeologist humor there for you) has the power to vaporize any and all fleece wearing thugs in your general vicinity, while thankfully leaving the user and all animals/scenery therein unharmed. Its the power of ELECTRICITY! Or at least that's what I gathered from the special effects. Dr. Hunter quickly figures out how to activate the ray and proceeds to massacre his captives, allowing he and his daughter to escape to the safety of the endless snowy mountains they are stranded on! Oh wait, I think a couple of guys with guns survive and give chase...eventually.
Finally, fashion you AND your much older Aunt can enjoy!
Either way, somehow Dr. Hunter and Nadia make their way back to a Siberian airport where they plan on heading "safely" home with the 'death ray' in tow. I guess the airport security is pretty lax in Siberia. Meanwhile, their new barely introduced ally, a government agent named (meh, I forgot, but he looks a lot like a poor man'sAlan Rickman so we'll call him Alan) Alan proceeds to introduce the back stories of their fellow plane passengers to them while they wait at the boarding gate. It's pretty much your average group of misfits: the young, ill-tempered pill-popping high fashion model (who looks 42 and apparently, based on her wardrobe, models for the catalogs of your local Fashion Bug), her sexist and not-so-secretly in love with her spiky-haired male manager, the fiesty silver foxed widow (with her eye on Dr. Hunter, but her heart firmly in the grip of her dead husband's cold dead hand), the mysterious guy who blends in and goes mostly unnoticed...until, a diabetic who forgot his medication and a young woman who according to Alan:
Alan: "...She got to see our Russian mafia quite accidentally. We machine gunned her mother to death."
Oh. Okay. That Russian mob. Always making HORRIBLE first impressions! Well, enough with this motley crue, let's get on with our safe, non-threatened trip home! The plane doesn't gets more than an twenty minutes or so in the air before a group of thugs takes control, the pilot is found out by the viewer to be in cahoots with the baddies and a bypassing plane pulls this sweet maneuver where it hooks a rig to the passenger plane in order to transport....wait a minute....this sounds super familiar...haven't we seen this very realistic terrorist scenario before? Was it in Bosnia? Russia? The Olympics? Oh wait...I remember!
:
That shit TOTALLY happened in CLIFFHANGER! In fact, this scene in EXTREME LIMITS not only reminds me of CLIFFHANGER, but it looks EXACTLY like the actual scene that is actually in CLIFFHANGER! Wait a second...isn't that Stallone's body double! Why are they transferring suit cases full of money that they didn't have on the plane before? Why does it smell like John Lithgow in here? Before your heads explode Enemaniacs, I did the cinematic scientific digging for you and turns out, by the magic of movie-making, several of the action scenes in EXTREME LIMITS are not only stock footage from other explosions and landscapes, but ALL of the major action sequences are clips ripped straight out of other, more well known action films. No, I'm serious. If you take moral issue with this Hollywood film-making technique, stop your DVD here. You have been warned. For those ready to rock, let us continue on our journey of enematic discovery!
"Good thing I was wearing my microfleece."
So just like in CLIFFHANGER, some old guy (in this case, Dr. Hunter) foils the plans of the terrorists by knocking them over with shear brute old man force and the plane inevitably crashes on top of a snow-capped mountain. Luckily, all of the key characters were in the front, undamaged part of the plane and survived. Who cares about the back part of coach that fell off and burned to pieces with all those extras screaming their way to an early, fire-engulfed grave? None of them model for FASHION BUG. The survivors at first, huddle, discuss global terrorism and then decide what move to make next. Let's look at the choices. Should they:
A. Attempt to climb down the mountain as a group? B. Drink the remainder of the pilot's booze and "get to know" each other? C. Talk about their dead spouses? D. Talk about their dead mothers? E. Attempt to fight a stalking grizzly bear with a stick and a syringe filled with liquid Tylenol? F. Separate, have Nadia run off alone with 'Tesla's Death Ray' and a gun-toting thug on her trail, have the able-bodied passengers head down the mountain with the unknown terrorist spy pilot while leaving the remaining old people/diabetes sufferers behind at the stranded plane stalked by the killer bear?
If you chose any of the above answers, you were right! They do all of those stupid ass things! Eventually the able-bodied group dies in an avalanche (another scene straight from CLIFFHANGER), Dr. Hunter and his lovely widow turn each other on with sexy stories about their dead spouses, the scared old guy at the plane is killed by a bear, Nadia makes it to a cabin with the 'death ray' and opens some whiskey and the diabetic man is pretty much slipping into a coma. Then, wait, who's that guy, oh yeah, the "star" of the movie, Treat Williams shows up!
"Sorry guys, I had to finish shooting the last episode of Everwood."
Just as Nadia and her doomsday device settle into their new mountain cabin oasis, government agents break down the door! Or, at least, one seemingly nice alleged CIA officer barges in and demands the 'death ray.' Nadia is oddly quick to comply, then suddenly more CIA officers, Agent Jason Ross (TREAT!) and Agent Douglas (the adorable "Jump to Conclusions" guy from Office Space) enter the cabin! Who is an agent and who is a terrorist? Who is to be believed and who is just another character actor? Also, where the fuck has main star, Treat Williams, been this whole time? Technically, he was slightly introduced in prior scenes as he and other agents tracked the plane in some government secretive plane tracking station, but still, I am not satisfied with this soft blow intro of our main action star! Where is his dirty, unkempt bachelor pad? His pet iguana? His one night stand he throws pants at and tells to get the hell out? His introductory pours beer in his cereal scene? How are we supposed to know this guy means business if we don't know how recklessly he lives his personal life or how many meaningless sexual encounters he participates in? WHO ARE YOU, AGENT ROSS AND HOW WILL YOU SAVE MY WORLD?
Neither the viewer or Nadia have too long to decide because before Agent Douglas can finish one of his patented gentle ribbings of Agent Ross, a helicopter starts to hella shoot up the cabin! Oh no, it's ANOTHER rogue government agent (Jesus, what is the screening process for these people?) Agent Ross acts quickly enough to save Nadia, but not the poor initial agent or his partner of who knows how long, sweet, puffy, old Agent Douglas. He's only allowed one more JFK conspiracy joke and then he dies of bullet wounds. Sad. Now, on to more borrowed action!
A helicopter and car chase from NARROW MARGIN! A train crash and bridge explosion sequence from A LONG KISS GOODNIGHT! In fact, the only quasi original material in any following scenes involve classic quips, of course! Here are some choice picks!:
Agent Ross!:
Agent Ross: "...Who's paying their rights for the end of the world?"
Valid question!
A thug!:
Thug: "...Did you know the Chinese invented pasta? We thought they'd like to add this bit of chow mein to their arsenal."
Wow. I did not know that and okay!
When Nadia and Ross fall into the hands of the bad guys, they briefly think they will be saved by some government agents that show up and then, duh, they are bad guys too:
Terrorist Ring-leader: "...Are you Indian?" Agent Ross: "...What does that matter?" Terrorist Ring-leader: "...It matters if you're an Indian because they're with me, Chief."
Ha! I see what you did there! Sort of.
When Nadia asks what happened to the Tesla Death Ray after the bridge explosion:
Agent Ross: "...It's history."
TOUCHE.
Now that I'm thinking xtremely hard about it, I don't believe there is a better way to extremely recommend this extremely recycled action movie other than to mention the very important, top 10 moments where EXTREME LIMITS takes movie-making limits to the EXTREME, so here they are in the order I remember them!
Mega rum raisin!
1. XTREME BEAR HUNTING!:Two old guys attempt to kill a bear by stabbing it with a syringe full of headache medicine taped to the end of a small stick! Why are they being stalked by a lone grizzly in Canada in the middle of winter? Good question! Please see 'science' for the answers you seek! 2. XTREMELY RUM RAISIN MATTE LIPSTICK!: All the ladies wear it! In a movie borrowing everything from other movies, they also manage to borrow fashion from the '90's and $60 from the make-up and wardrobe department to go CRAZY in the Bartell's cosmetic section. Pharmacy store shopping spree to the XTREME! 3. XTREMELY LONG WAIT FOR THE MAIN STAR!:No, seriously. Where the fuck is Treat? 4. XTREME CLIP RIPS!:Right?! See everything else written above! 5. XTREME JFK CONSPIRACY JOKES!:Agent Douglas makes at least three quips about knowing who killed JFK. Unfortunately, since Agent Ross is shitty at protecting his partner from gunfire, the world may never know the real truth. Xtremely disappointing. 6. XTREME CONFUSION ABOUT THE INTERNET!: Understandably, the internet was in it's early stages of regular use when this film came out, although I'd like to think the CIA had a more comprehensive understanding of it at the time. Regardless, several agents make references to "...I checked the internet,""...I found it on the internet," "...the internet said," and so on. I guess the internet is where they found all those CLIFFHANGER clips. 7. XTREMELY LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DEAD SPOUSES!: As the old people wait in the stranded half-plane hoping for some kind of make believe rescue, Dr. Hunter and old lady get into long drawn out stories about their passed on past loves. REALLY get into. In fact, they apparently fall in love with each other while sharing anecdotes on what her dead husband's favorite bourbon was and how Dr. Hunter was never there for his dead wife. Xtremely hot dead spouse talk! 8. XTREMELY OLD STOCK FOOTAGE!: Not only does this movie use scenes straight out of other movies (some of which are are ten years old at the time of it's release), but it also uses stock footage of trains in motion, train stations and landscapes which are clearly from the 1970s-1980's! The film quality is visibly different and it becomes even more xtremely noticeable when the people at the train station are clearly dressed like it's 1982 and it's no big deal, meaning a crew of extras that happened to have just returned from an 80's party is out of the question. Xtremely lazy! 9.XTREME HISTORICAL INACCURACIES!: So, Tesla. One time, he built this thing and called it a "Death Ray." What does it do? Oh, it like, blows up people. Whatever. Go back to high school. It's in those books. 10. XTREMELY CONFLICTING STORIES!: According to the trailer, there is a doomsday device. According to the DVD packaging, it's highly sensitive explosives. According to both, Treat Williams is the star of the movie. According to the movie, that's not true. Xtremely confusing!
Times Douglas mentions JFK: 4 Borrowed Clips: 8-17 Mentions Of The Internet: 6 Random Possible Ethnic Slurs: 3 Amount Of Times Nicola Tesla Invented A Death Ray:0 1 Dead Spouse Stories: 5 Successful Bear Traps: 0 Minutes Before Treat Williams Is On Screen: 23 Dummies Thrown Off Cliffs: 2 Death Ray Is Used: 2 Flashbacks: 3 or 4? What Did You Say?: 7 Best Head Shot Ever Provided To The Internet By An Actor Starring In EXTREME LIMITS That Is Not Treat Williams: 1
You're welcome.
*Xtreme Rollah blaadhin' is also known as "Soul-Skating." See the Disney Channel for more info.
Since Episode 51 of the podcast just so happens to
also be the November edish of the LIVE version of the show, it only
seemed possible to celebrate with a Native American revenge film! It's
1989's THE CELLAR
starring b-movie bad guy Patrick Kilpatrick, a wise Native man, a lot
of rabbit's feet and an evil beaver/wolf beast (it's hard to
tell) conjured from Native hate! Our special guest for this episode is Scarecrow Video alumni, ALEX THOMAS! Expect ancient
rabbit paw rituals, the calling out of babies on their bullshit, a
major sick burn from an audience member and a revenge beast rap that may
possibly end racism (or not at all)!
It's Episode 50 and another installment of the much hullabalooed LIVE
version of the show! For this month, we watched horrible horror
anthology, 1990's THE WILLIES starring poodles, a bed of maggots, Sean
Astin and inappropriate janitorial staff! Our special guest for the
show is comedian, craft guy and warlock, DOUGLAS GALE! Unfortunately,
but not surprisingly, we ran into some more technical difficulties with
this one, causing the recording to cut very short, so consider this
mini-sode as more of a teaser trailer to what should lead to you coming
out and see us LIVE!
