TEC Podcast: Mini-Episode 13: Bad Movies vs. Orgasms

 
All Hallow’s Wiener is upon us, Enemaniacs and to celebrate, we recorded a very special mini-episode for Episode 13!  If for some reason you decided to avoid the crowds of dudes dressed up as Justin Bieber and girls dressed up as Snooki tonight, you can curl up for at least forty minutes with us, kind of!

For this special Halloween episode of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast,  the spooky shitty movie we tortured ourselves with was 1988’s non-scary slasher film Hollow Gate about a disturbed dude who decides to kill teenagers every Halloween to get back at his alcoholic father who shoved his face in an apple bobbing bucket as a kid.  Basically.  I guess he also decided to kill his Grandma as well, but in his defense, she did make a very offensive request for a nut cake.  Check out the family fun holiday trailer below.

My brand new guests on this episode are comedian Mike Drucker, who previously wrote for SNL’s Weekend Update, comedian Doug Gale who co-hosts the comedy podcast Delicious Mediocrity as well as cartoonist/illustrator/podcast producer and now forever known as producer of my orgasms, Mark “Pasteyboy” Allender!  Expect a special intro, some awesome quotes, a chicken beat box, unprofessional drunken hi jinks courtesy of me, funnies courtesy of Mike and Doug and finally…an ACTUAL rap courtesy of Mark!  HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Campy Horror Movies That (Probably) Won't Creep You Out

In case you just so happen to be the type that prefers camp over creep, here are some of my favorite horror movies you can watch alone and not feel the need to lock a door. 

House (Hausu-original Japanese title) (1977)

This wacky acid-trip of a Japanese ghost horror movie is possibly one of the most bizarre things you will ever see.  It tells the story of a young girl who upon finding out that her widowed father is planning to marry his new girlfriend, decides to spend a summer with her deceased mother's sister who she has never met.  She invites along a group of her wacky schoolmates, all with personality defining nicknames such as Kung Fu (who knows kung fu), Fantasy (who imagines things a lot) and Prof (who wears glasses).  Her Aunt's mansion is old and beautiful and the girls are excited to settle in for a summer in the country side, that is until bizarre shit starts to happen.  This includes dancing skeletons, puking paintings and a floating severed head.  This movie is a must see.  Prepare for some of the weirdest film making your eyeballs have ever witnessed. 

 

Monster Club (1980)

Definitely one of my all time favorite movies, The Monster Club stars veteran horror actor Vincent Price, aka Vince the Prince and/or Vinnie the P as aging vampire Eramus who after attacking a fellow elderly on the streets of London, realizes that the man is none other than R. Chetwynd-Hayes, his favorite horror novelist (played by fellow horror veteran, John Caradine).  After many apologies and assurances he only drank enough of R.'s blood for sustenance rather than for vampiric transformation, he invites the author to his favorite local haunt in order to repay him.  R. agrees in the hopes of meeting some of his writing subjects up close and personal so he may use the valuable information in later novels.  They head over for an evening at the aptly titled, Monster Club where Eramus tells R. three separate tales involving different monsters.  One a film director that stumbles upon a real-life village of ghouls, one about two con artists that attempt to steal from a wealthy Shadmock (a ghoul hybrid) and one goofy story involving a boy growing up with a vampire for a father and which also stars Donald Pleaseance.  The stories are broken up in between with musical performances at the club such a new wave vampire band that sings, "I'm Just a Sucker For Your Love" and a stripper who strips down to her bones.  It's pretty fucking awesome.  If you can find the Thriller Video version with Elvira as the host, it's even better!   

 

The Suckling (1990)

Not based on a true story nor any logical form of science, I'm not sure if this movie has a subtle political motive behind it, either way it's still pretty hilarious.  The Suckling tells the story of a teenage couple who visit a back alley abortion clinic which also happens to be in a whore house.  The girl chickens out last minute, so her boyfriend naturally drugs her and has the abortion performed while she is out.  Nice.  The fetus is dropped down the toilet where it comes in contact with toxic waste and rises back out of the toilet, into the whore house and begins to kill everything in it's path.  It even eventually envelops the entire place in it's own giant womb.  Whatever your thoughts on the whole abortion thing, this is pretty great stuff.  Funnier to me even, is that when you type this film into IMDb, it suggest the movie Juno as another film you may want to watch.  Ha!

 

Frankenhooker (1990)

This wacky sci-fi rom com is about Jersey medical school drop out Jeff, who is obsessed with the possibility of reanimating the dead and is given the golden opportunity when his fiancee is accidentally mauled to death by his own invention, a remote-controlled lawn mower.  He decides to try and bring his lady love back from the dead and in order to do so, keeps her severed head alive until he can find the perfect body.  He eventually settles on the body parts of hookers whom he kills by tempting them with a "super crack" drug he invented which causes them all to explode.  Unfortunately, after his new girlfriend is stitched up, her body parts are up to their old "tricks" (pun) and Jeff must find her and stop her from selling her new body on the street, which by the way, accidentally kills dudes with it's electrified limbs.  Not only that, but he has a really buff pimp on his tale and the police.  What is a wacky Jersey scientist to do?  

 

Bio-Zombie (1998)

Hong Kong's very own Dawn of the Dead, Bio-Zombie is about two losers who spend their days hocking cheap electronics at their local mall and then are suddenly thrust into the midst of a zombie invasion.  A government weapon disguised as a simple soft drink, actually contains bio-chemical weapons that turn whoever drinks it into flesh-eating zombies.  Our two mall rats come across a car accident where the victim is carrying the brief case with the drink.  Thinking he needs something to drink, the two idiots force the drink down the man's throat who eventually becomes a zombie and follows them back to the mall.  Then, not surprisingly, mall goers start dropping and then rising left and right and it's up to our two non-heroes to get out alive along with the girls they both have a boner for.  Full of martial arts and wacky moments including a video-game type intro for the characters when they battle the zombies, Bio-Zombie is a fun and different sort of zombie movie with plenty of random laughs and a surprisingly dark ending.

Elvira, Mistress of the Dark  (1988)

This campy horror comedy is possibly my favorite movie of all time.  Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the big-screen debut of horror hostess, Elvira (aka Cassandra Peterson) who while in dire need for money to fund her upcoming Vegas show, coincidentally hears of her Great Aunt Morgana's death and journeys to the small town of Falwell, Massachusetts in the hopes of gaining a large inheritance.  Unfortunately, not only does her car break down forcing her to stay in the quaint boring ass town, but she learns her only inheritance is a shitty old house, a poodle and a family recipe book.  Her Great Uncle Vincent, a pretty smarmy devilish dude, seems rather perturbed he did not receive the book himself and tries to persuade Elvira to sell it.  Initially she agrees, but after discovering her mother and aunt were actually witches and her mother was killed by Vincent in order to obtain the recipe book (which is actually a book of ancient spells), Elvira refuses, starting a battle with the powerful Vincent.  Not only does our lovely heroine have to deal with a creepy warlock of a Uncle, but the Morality Club of Falwell is fixing to get her out by any means necessary.  Stew pot monsters, sexual innuendos and boobs galore!  Okay, maybe the boobs are covered most of the time, but Elvira not only raps in the film, but she also performs her famous nipple tassel twirling routine!  Sold!  This movie was a staple at every slumber party I ever had growing up.  No wonder girls started thinking I was a lesbian once I hit middle school.

Horrorible B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

VHS Covers That Scared Me As A Kid

Do you remember when you were a kid and sometimes you would peruse the horror movie section just to freak yourself out a bit?  In honor of a recent Halloween episode of the Scarecrow Video podcast that discussed this such subject amongst other things, I decided to do my very own list of VHS covers that scared the shit out of me as a kid.  Some movies were valid, but many turned out later to be utter shit, either way, a picture is worth a thousand head explosions/female screams sometimes.  You can find the Scarecrow Video podcast on their website as well as iTunes.

Happy Birthday to Me (1981)

I think this one is pretty self-explanatory why it freaked me out as a kid.  It's a pretty basic fear to be impaled or be killed by having something shoved in her mouth and or face.  The kebab itself looks kind of tasty though.  The gimmick of this film was to boast that all the kills in it are "bizarre."  By today's standards of course, they are pretty tame and boring.  Unfortunately I didn't see this one until high school and by then I'd seen a lot worse.  The gore is rather good though and the story your basic, is the weird girl the killer premise.  The first kill which really should have set the tone for the remainder of the "bizarre murders" of the film is rather tame.  A girl gets her throat slashed after being strangled.  Either way, it's definitely a fun slasher flick and one I often rent on my own birthday. 

It's Alive (1974)

This image has stayed with me all my life.  It's not shocking or gory.  It's creepiness is subtle and slow burning and it definitely scared the shit out of me as a kid.  What's in the basket?!?  What IS wrong with the baby?!?  What the fuck is up with it's hand?!?  Why can't I see this alone?!?  The image of the baby carriage turned just away from the viewer which somehow manages to make the mystery of it incredibly menacing has become somewhat iconic.  Copied several times by Basket Case sequels, the It's Alive promotional campaign and cover art remains for me one of the greatest uses of subtle demonic imagery that causes the viewer to imagine the absolute worst in whatever their own personal nightmare might be.  What's more frightening than that?

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)

Speaking of demonic baby carriages, it wasn't so much the mystery of the monster in the basket to me for this one as it was the horrifying photos on the back of the cover.  As a kid I had a HUGE phobia of vomiting.  This was a result of being puked on at least once in every grade in elementary school as well as having watching The Karen Carpenter Story when I was four.  The image of the girl on the back being force fed by Freddy only to have her face explode in vomit was probably for me at the time, the most frightening thing I could ever imagine. 

"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..."

Troll (1986)

You might notice there is a bit of a pattern here when it comes to little things that kill people.  Troll was no exception.  The movie itself is rather tame.  The original Troll makeup is kind of creepy, but the storyline is actually somewhat kid appropriate.  In fact, there are conspiracy theories that J.K. Rowling stole many of the elements for her Harry Potter novels from this film such as the main boy being named Harry Potter who must learn ancient magic from the secret sorceress who is living in his apartment building in order to battle the evil Troll and his magical ring.  Who knows.  The movie is somewhat entertaining and definitely a lot lighter fare than the menacing Troll on the cover would suggest. 

Night of the Demons (1988)

It's kind of too bad that this video cover scared the shit out of me as a kid just because when I actually saw the film later when in high school, it became one of my favorite horror movies of all time.  The story is your basic teenage haunted house party goes awry when demons start possessing people and killing them, but there are some great elements that make this movie a stand out in the genre.  The characters are fairly memorable, including a fat guy named Stooge with a surfer accent and painted fades in his hair that calls every girl "babe" and is just trying to party.  Night of the Demons also began my love affair with B-movie goddess, Linnea Quigley.  Anyhow, definitely check out this film.  The demon make up is great, there are plenty of tits and one-liners and Linnea Quigley sticks a tube of lipstick into her nipple while possessed by a demon.  All that aside, the cover is still fucking creepy, right?

The Howling (1981)

 
Although I consider this film to now be one of my favorite horror movies, I wasn't able to watch it fully until my twenties.  Most of my life I have had an incredible fear of werewolves.  I think it stems from a general sense of germaphobia.  Either way, the transformation scenes and werewolf makeup in this film actually scared the shit out of me until adulthood.  I'll be honest, while googling the VHS cover for the movie, I did get a little uncomfortable looking at all the werewolf pictures.  I'm a pussy okay, I'll admit it, but you have to admit this cover is ingeniously horrifying.  Especially if you happen to be an impressionable little fat kid who is scared shitless of werewolves. 

The Blob (1988)

The video cover for the 1988 remake of The Blob, BY FAR, frightened me more than any other horror movie cover as a kid.  In fact, I had a hard time going to my local video store when this display was up for a few months.  The movie isn't too scary, but is far superior to the original and the special effects really hold up to this day.  The acting is a little shitty, but this is definitely made up for by all of the intense and horrifying kills committed by the pink blob ooze.  This movie is a must see for any horror fan.  Look at this cover though!  What the fuck!  It still creeps me out a little to this day!  Genius!

TEC Podcast: Epiosde 12: I Like Her Teddy

It’s Episode 12 of the podcast and frankly, I’m worried.  Not really about the episode, but about ever having children.  The movie chosen for this episode is 1981’s The Pit which can also be known as 1981’s birth control.  It’s cheaper and it won’t cause cancer.  The Pit tells the story of little fucked up 12 year-old Jamie, who is an odd child that is teased and tormented by his classmates and as a result, he creates an evil voice in his head for his teddy bear, becomes incredibly perverted and luckily for him, just happens to discover a pit filled with ancient meat-eating monsters he calls Trolologs.  Initially stealing money and buying meat to toss into the pit, he eventually begins tossing people he thinks deserve to be eaten alive.  During this time he is watched for the summer by an attractive babysitter who decides to never wear a bra.  Uncomfortable boners ensue.  Unfortunately the trailer is not available online, so instead enjoy the wacky/creepy clip below.  There is an even creepier clip available online, but I thought I'd let you make that choice on your own.  If you want to check out pervy Jamie in all his perverted glory, click here.

Along on this journey through violent puberty and child psychology, are returning guests, comedian Emmett Montgomery and artist/illustrator Carina Simmons as well as BRAND NEW guest, comedian David TV!  We discuss our own awkward childhoods, the origins of David’s last name, the psychology of Emmett Montgomery and of course our over all disturbing group experience that was The Pit!  Listen to our group therapy session after this movie below!

Horrorible B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

Underrated Horror Movies That Might Actually Creep You Out

All Hallow's Weiner is nearly upon us and to celebrate, I decided to compile a list of some of my favorite horror movies that are not only underrated, but may actually scare you.  Not only that, but you they will most likely not be rented out of your local video store such as your more common horror fare around Halloween season.  Listen, going out to the movies is expensive.  Especially if you were planning on paying the five extra dollars to see your shitty movie in 3-D.  So how about instead you save some pocket change, avoid social interaction, relax at home and curl up with a bowl of candy and a good horror movie on cassette with your video home system!  That's what Halloween is all about!


The Dead Next Door (1988)

Perhaps one of the most underrated zombie movies of all time, The Dead Next Door is an independent, low-budget, small town, post-zombie apocalypse tale about an "elite" group of soldiers known as "The Zombie Squad" who have been enlisted by the United States government to seek and destroy any and all zombies they come across.  Squad members not only have to drive around their Midwestern town and shoot mindless zombies all day, they also have to deal with the a religious cult who consider zombism a higher form of existence and are out to protect the zombies, sort of.  Kind of like a misguided zombie PETA.  Turns out though, the cult is really hiding a huge secret (religion and secrets?  Blasphemy!) and the real reason the cult leader is attempting to save zombies is to capture them and perform tests on them in order to save his son who is secretly zombified.  At some point in the film, one of the squad members is infected and the "Doc" back at government headquarters injects him with an experimental cure.  All it achieves is to accelerate the zombification process and leave the infected guy completely lucid, which is pretty torturous considering he is slowly rotting and is forced to eat people's brain meat.

Made on an extremely low budget, filmed entirely in Akron, Ohio and financed with royalties from Evil Dead 2 by Sam Raimi himself, The Dead Next Door is one of my personal favorites. Many of the characters names are homages to horror kingpins with last names like Savini, Carpenter, Raimi and Romero. Even Bruce Campbell dubs the voices for two of the characters.  This film isn't necessarily scary, but because it's so extremely low budget, the dialogue is mostly dubbed and many of the scenes are horribly lit and very dark.  This works to enhance a lot of the zombie makeup and adds sort of a shadowy mystery to the atmosphere of the movie.  It scared the shit out of me as a kid, especially the low-grade gore, but it's more creepy and unsettling now instead of scary.  Check out the carnage below.

Bad Moon (1996)

Based off a novel entitled Thor and written and directed by the writer of the vampire film Near Dark, Bad Moon has to be, and I'm absolutely sure of this, THE MOST underrated werewolf film of ALL TIME, SPOILERS to follow.  Basically it surrounds the story a photo journalist Ted, played by Michael Pare (Eddie and the Cruisers, Streets of Fire) who while on a expedition with his girlfriend in Nepal is attacked (in the middle of a graphic sex scene) by a cock-blocking werewolf.  His girlfriend is killed and he is scarred, but survives.  He then decides to take his inevitable curse with him to live in a van trailer by a river in the woods of Oregon near his older sister, a single mother Janet (Mariel Hemmingway) who is a tough-talking lawyer and lives with her cherubic son Dennis the Menace Brett (Mason Gamble) and their well-trained overprotective family dog, a German Shepard named Thor.  In congruent with the original novel, neither of these people are the main character, but rather most of the story, after the initial opening in Nepal, is told through the point of view of Thor.   

Janet invites Ted to move his trailer onto her property to be closer to the family after she learns of his devastating loss in Nepal.  After much reluctance, he agrees.  The minute Uncle Ted arrives at their home,  Thor senses something off about him and begins watching him closely.  One night Ted leaves his trailer to enter the woods and Thor follows him.  What Thor eventually sees, is Ted chaining himself to a large tree and turning into a pretty frightening looking werewolf.  After this, Thor tries in the best way he can to warn his family by attacking Ted every time he comes near them, pissing on his feet and refusing to leave the spot from his watch of the front door of Ted's trailer.

In order to get rid of Thor, Ted frames him for the murders he has been committing in were-form and Thor is sent off to a dog pound to be euthanized.  Don't worry though, Brett knows this is all bullshit and sneaks out at night to help Thor escape.  Just in time too because stupid-ass Janet had just decided to go check out what all the racket in the woods was.  A full-on German Shepard vs. werewolf battle ensues and it sounds cheesy, but the fact that at this point you're sort of attached to this dog and seeing things through his prospective, you can't wait until he saves the family and kicks Uncle Ted's ass.  I absolutely LOVE this movie and not only because I found the story interesting and unique for a were-wolf tale, but also because the werewolf suit in it is totally legit and actually looks frightening in action.  If you like werewolf films, especially ones sans CGI effects, Bad Moon is a MUST see.  The trailer doesn't really do this film justice, but feel free to watch it below.

The Beast Within (1982)

I remember attempting to watch this movie as a young kid, probably around 8 years old.  Because I'm a germaphobe, I've always been easily scared by movies involving parasites or possession of any kind.  I'll be honest, I never made it through the entire first two viewings of this film.  The first time because I got way too freaked out and the second time was due to the fact my mom turned it off, but when I got older and no one was around to cock-block horrifying beast-rape scenes, I was able to finish the film.  If I didn't already give it away, this movie is largely about beast-rape.  A couple on their honeymoon driving through a sleepy Southern town in Mississippi are stranded when they're car gets a flat tire.  The husband leaves his attractive wife alone at night on a deserted road in the South so he can go alone to the nearest town to find help.  Not surprisingly, she is attacked and raped, but the surprising part is her rapist, who you never fully see on camera, is not a creepy toothless redneck, but a hulking mindless monster beast of some kind.  The rape scene is not entirely graphic, she is basically attacked and knocked unconscious by claws and dinosaur roars and while lying on the ground has her dress ripped off and is suddenly oddly moving in a up and down motion.  Still pretty bad and a little too brutal for an 8 year-old I suppose.  Her husband returns to find her naked, bloody and unconscious and rushes her to the police car he arrived in.

Cut to 17 years later and turns out they have a massive memory haunting them every day of that rape, a 17 year-old son named Michael.  Michael becomes ill with a mysterious and possible fatal disease, so his parents decide they must return to that town in Mississippi in hopes of locating his biological father/mother's rapist whose genetic makeup may be the key to saving their son.  What happens from there are two basic story lines, the investigation of Michael's parents in determining exactly who or what is his father and Michael's story after he breaks out of the hospital and heads to Mississippi on his own and begins to transform into the beast that made him.

Although this film is considered campy by some, I've always found the gory effects rather gruesome and the overall acting abilities of everyone cast in the film helps to actually engage you into the storyline.  The story itself is rather disturbing I think and rape scenes included, this one may still be able to shock a first time viewer.  Michael's WTF transformation scene alone, although lengthy, is still rather effective and pretty nasty.  If you're a straight dude, this might not be the kind of movie you would want to pop in to impress a lady friend, but I still highly recommend it.  Check out the awesomely gimmicky trailer below. 

Don't Be Afraid Of the Dark (1973)

Originally released as a made-for-television film in 1973, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is surprisingly incredibly unnerving.  The storyline involves a young couple who inherit an old mansion from the wife's dead grandmother.  The husband, Alex, is a successful architect while his wife Sally resigns from her career to become a house wife and caretaker of their large estate.  The film opens with whispering demonic voices and a shot of the house before we are ever introduced to the main characters.  This kind of gives us an idea that shit is going to go wrong from then on and it does.  Sally finds an old den that has been boarded up and the fireplace sealed with an iron door.  She asks the handyman to clear it out so she can turn the room into an office with a usable fireplace.  The handyman, who has been working at the house for generations, flat out refuses and tells her to stop sticking her nose in places it doesn't belong.  Naturally, Sally defies this and on her own unbolts the door.  After this occurs, Sally experiences all sorts of strange phenomenon in the house, such as voices and sees little demonic creatures following her around and haunting her in attempt to take her as one of them.  Alex thinks she is going crazy and does not believe anything she tells him about the little creatures.

Eventually people start dying and the lights rarely come back on.  I don't want to give much more away at this point.  You should absolutely WATCH this movie.  The concept sounds cliche and the characters cheesy, but trust me, you will be surprised at how creepy this movie is and how it's able to get under her skin so effectively without the use of gory special effects or shock value.  Apparently this film has been remade by Guillermo del Toro (The Devil's Backbone, Blade) for release in 2011.  Until that creepfest comes out, make sure to check out the still pretty frightening original.  Try to ignore the cheesy narrator and music in the trailer below.  It's a pretty piss poor representation of the film.

TEC Podcast: Episode 11: We Accept The Challenge

It’s Episode 11 and I’ve brought in some experts to help me deal with this shit kicking Canadian musical horror movie appropriately titled, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare.  Released in 1987 and written by it’s star Canadian body builder/rock singer/wrestler Jon Mikl Thor, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare tells the story of an alleged rock band that sets up shop in a unbeknownst to them demonically possessed farmhouse so they can record their new album.  Unfortunately, some dick puppets demons and a giant grasshopper the Devil don’t like their shitty music and thus everyone sets out on a collision course to wackiness involving ridiculous music montages, Canadian accents and an uncomfortably long sex scene in the shower.  There isn't a trailer available for this movie online, but you can check out a remix clip reel someone made on YouTube below.  It should be noted that the music in this video is obviously not that of the shitty rock band in the film, Triton.  For an example of how much the band in the Rock n' Roll Nightmare DON'T rock, click here.  Otherwise, read on!

My expert guests for this episode are returning TEC guest, inventor of the “wrap-up rap” and former lead singer of the unknown punk band Major Major, comedian Nicole Lucas!  Plus brand new guest, hilarious comedian, fellow podcaster (check out Delicious Mediocrity) and guitar maestro Derek Sheen!  Come join us as we crack open some beers, talk about boobs, discuss our own musical pasts and rap about rapey vans!

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day

1986's "spy thriller" Never Too Young To Die starring secret agent Vanity, cross-dressing rock star, hermaphrodite Gene Simmons and...that's right, Enemaniacs.  You've just been Stamosed.

Born to Ride (1991)Dir. Graham BakerGenre: Action/Period Piece

"...That's the wave of the future? Get a horse!"

Don't be fooled by the steamy Stamos video cover art, Born to Ride is actually a pretty decent movie.  The production quality is higher than expected, the acting is fair and the story is stupid, but it's at least well written.  The best and worst part of this movie is it's star Uncle Jesse John Stamos.  It's really his steamy-eyed sarcasm and ho boning that make this a B-movie.  If they had put another actor in this role, it may have actually made some money, but thankfully they didn't and thus we have the cheese-fest that is 1991's Born to Ride courtesy of John Stamos' shit-eating grin and perfectly manicured eyebrows.  Swoon.  Try to keep your pants on while enjoying the trailer below.

John Stamos.  Bad to the boner.

Another thing about the video cover that might throw you off is the time period.  Although it appears this is going to be a 80's biker flick starring ruggedly 80's John Stamos, it's actually made in the 90's and is set in the 30's.  1939 Kentucky to be exact.  Stamos plays lawless biker and all around cad Grady Westfall who while riding his hog on the highway, spots a pretty lady and decides to follow her.  Thankfully if it's Stamos, it's not rape.  Turns out she's on her way to a military event attended by her father, a Colonel in the United States Army.  The event is a presentation to members of the military about a new Army unit "of the future" where the soldiers ride motorcycles rather than the traditional horses.  Unfortunately, the showcase doesn't go well since the soldiers of the unit can't ride a bike for shit.  Grady crashes the event and in order to get laid impress the girl, he rides around the arena on his motorcycle doing tricks and showing up all the bumbling bike soldiers.  He's arrested and soon after is visited by an Army Colonel who offers to bail him out in exchange for teaching his Army cavalry how to ride. 

Colonel Deves: "...You ride that thing like most people walk on two legs."

Dirty.  The Colonel was so impressed by his skills at the event, he's willing to enlist him and even giving him the rank of Corporal, no boot camp or VD test required.  Unfortunately for the Colonel, he must endure several steamy Stamos eye squints and bad sarcastic one-liners before he agrees.

Colonel Deves: "...I need someone to teach my men how to ride them machines and you're the man to do it."
Grady: "...The dream department is down the hall."

Obviously eventually Grady agrees to take the gig and he is taken to the Army base and suited up.  I'm pretty sure 85% of the reason this movie was made was just an excuse to put John Stamos into a uniform.  Grady meets with conflict at the base from all the soldiers in his unit who rightfully wonder why he didn't have to shave his hair off and also why he outranks them with no military background.  Well, I assume this is where all the homoerotic aggression from all the men comes from.  Either way they try to harass, bait and fight Grady in the beginning while Grady just flashes that shit-eating grin, makes sarcastic remarks and continues to try and bone the Colonel's daughter.

"Oh these?  They're my red wings."

After a few training montages highlighting Grady's rapist wit and unorthodox methods, the men in his unit have grown to respect him, the officers above him hate him and he accomplishes in boning the Colonel's daughter (aka that blond woman) in a lake (aka 1939 birth control).  The Colonel decides the men are ready for their top secret motorcycle mission which is enter a motorcycle race happening in Spain as a rouse to get soldiers in the country so they can stop Nazis from gaining vital military intelligence from the Spanish.  Yeah.  So the men enter the race, shoot some Nazis, save some scientists and engage in helicopter/motorcycle pursuits. God bless John Stamos America.

So the random historically inaccurate plot line aside, this film is actually pretty good.  It borderlines on actual film making several times, but thankfully John Stamos brings us back to Earth with an unnecessary sex scene, an unfunny sarcastic remark or a stupid smoldering glance into the camera.  Besides Stamos securing this film's spot in the B-movie archive, here are five other reasons this movie will forever be enjoyable to those of us with low cinematic standards.

5. Historical Inaccuracies

"Is anyone else confused why weren't not racist towards the Asian guy?"

First of all, I should mention I am in no way an expert in the history of the United States Military.  In fact, most of what I know about the military I learned from either Predator or M*A*S*H.  What I believe to be bullshit is, I don't think the military ever created an elite "motorcycle unit."  I get how motorcycles seemed less trouble than horses, but I don't know if there was ever an actual changeover as this.  Either way, this produces one of the greatest lines of the film.  The boys are riding their motorcycles around the base and a soldier shouts at them:

Soldier: "...That's the wave of the future?  Get a horse!"

I may start shouting this at people walking or hitch hiking on the street (from the bus).  Also, hypothetically thinking there was such a unit, I'm not sure they would send this particular group in to bum rush a bunch of Nazi spies.  Speaking of Nazis, it's never really explained why they kidnapped the two Spanish scientists in the film or what military or nuclear information they're after.  On second thought, it probably was, but that doesn't change the fact that the story line is fucking ridiculous.  One of the Nazi characters has a great line in the film though.  After kidnapping the Spanish scientists he says to them:

Nazi: "...I am Colonel Muhl, S.S.  You have nothing to fear from me Doctor."

I'm pretty sure this sentence is an oxymoron. 

4. What Fucking Decade Is This?

If the opening sequence had not flashed "Kentucy 1939" it might have taken me up until half way through the movie to understand it wasn't the late 80's.  Although the set designers attempt to convince us with 40's wardrobes, antique cars/motorcycles and Nazis, Stamos is absolutely rocking an 80's do, the soundtrack is all 80's classic rock and Grady able to fuck a rich unmarried society girl openly and super casually.  Maybe the last one is possible, but the rest don't attempt whatsoever to establish a believable time period.  There is also modern slang used in the film, like when the soldiers infiltrate the Nazi lair and Grady shoots one, a fellow solider says:

Soldier: "...Did you really have to kill him?"
Grady: "...Sorry bro."

3. Homoerotic Sexual Tension

Ironic sign photo bomb.

There are SEVERAL moments of homoerotic sexual tension in this movie.  Some may be written in the script, some I may have fantasized about in my mind, either way it's real!  This first begins when Grady is training the men to ride their bikes.  For the fist training exercise, Grady takes the boys down to a local bar and sets up a table outside filled with pints of beer.  The challenge is to ride their bikes up to the table, shifting with their foot instead of their hand.  Easy enough.  The reward is you get to drink a beer.  Fratty, but it's the military so I get it, but then Grady says: 

Grady: "...If you blow it, you lose a piece of your uniform."

Of course, right after this the next guy fucks up and all the men chant, "...take it off!"  Correct me if I'm wrong, but is the basic jist of this game is, get drunk or get naked?  Either way, Stamos wins.  After the men are sufficiently drunk or barely clothed, Grady says:

Grady: "...Okay, we tested your balance, your dexterity.."

He is interrupted by the bartender next to him who says:

Bartender: "...What about their balls?"

Grady smiles, but unfortunately we never get to see where this goes because the Colonel shows up and breaks up the party.  Boo.  Eventually Grady and the other high ranking officer of the unit, Captain Jack come to blows, (pun) a fight of which ends up in a shower filled with both clothed and naked soldiers egging them on.  Hmmm.  This also goes no where though because once again, cock blocking Colonel Deves shows up.  Double boo.

2. Top Gun Rip-Offs Similarities

It's like Top Gun with attractive non-closeted gays.

If you get a feeling of deja vu when watching this movie, there is a reason.  Born to Ride is essentially Top Gun on motorcycles.  Stamos plays a lone gun and renegade character who refuses to follow the rules and pisses off all the higher ranking officers who are forced to recognize his talent while putting up with his recklessness, you know, like Maverick (Tom Cruise) in Top Gun.  Grady falls for a blond civilian on the base, in this case the Colonel's daughter Beryl Ann (Teri Polo).  In Top Gun Maverick falls for a blond civilian living on base, astrophysicist Charlie (Kelly McGillis).   

"Are you as uncomfortable as I am?"

Grady faces conflict with a by-the-book jealous Captain, Jack Hessler (John Stockwell) who distrusts Grady's reckless ways, is incesed that higher ups overlook Grady's attitude in favor of his talent and who also shares an affection for Beryl Ann.  Maverick faces conflict with a by-the-book jealous Navy pilot, LT Tom "Iceman" (Val Kilmer) who distrusts Maverick's reckless ways, is incensed that higher ups overlook Maverick's attitude in favor of his talent and who also shares an affection for Charlie.  In both films, the men are sent on a dangerous mission in which the reckless hero saves the life of the doubting rival and the two become friends.  Oh and of course both Grady and Maverick get the girl.

The only difference between the two movies (besides the time period, motorcycles, the military branch and Stamos) is in Top Gun, Maverick's closest friend, an awkward play-it-safe soldier is killed by ejecting into a mid-air collision during a mission partially due to Maverick's ill-timed advice.  In Born to Ride, Grady's only supporter, an awkward play-it-safe soldier is killed after the group ride their motorcycles down some dangerous terrain on Grady's advice.  The difference in this scene is everything seems all well and good until a soldier comments, "...Do you smell gas?"  The awkward soldier looks down at his leaking tank while everyone shouts "...Get off your bike!"  Too late.  The bike explodes in a giant ball of fire and the soldier is killed.  I guess they thought the explosion part of the scene was the necessary part to recreate.  Unlike Maverick in Top Gun, Grady isn't affected by this too much, in fact all the soldiers ride away and it's never brought up again.  Grady is even back to his sarcastic self five minutes later.

1. Securing Stamos Sexiness

"Don't worry. Water is the best birth control there is."

The absolute number one priority of this film was to keep John Stamos sexy.  If that means we have to alter styles and attitudes of the chosen time period, then so be it!  I don't care if it is the military, DO NOT TOUCH his fucking hair.  He is never allowed to button up the shirt on his military uniform, something which no one complains about.  He is never allowed to wear a helmet even though he is constantly riding a motorcycle.  He must remain sarcastic, smiley and witty even in the most inappropriate situations.  There must be a long, drawn out sex scene where we find a reason to make him wet.  First and foremost, he must NEVER express true emotion or emotional attachment to any one human being.  He is a renegade, a mystery an outlaw.  This is what I assume was written verbatim in his contract for this movie when he signed on.  Maybe give or take a few things.

Ultimately this film was surprisingly good and worth the watch.  It's definitely no Never Too Young To Die (more on that, coming soon), but then again, NOTHING could ever be. 

Steamy Stamos Faces: 19

Snarky Stamos Comments: 35

Stamos Sex: 1

Stamos Stalking: 4

Historical Inaccuracies: 16

Chicks On Bikes: 3

Nazis: 6

Times Grady Is Yelled At: 43

Homoerotic Moments: 14

Stamos Smoking: 9

Electric Guitar Riffs: 7

Other Movie Moments: 5

Times Stamos Is Shot: 0

Helicopter/Motorcycle Chases: 2

Times I Got A Stamos Boner: Infinity

B-Movie Trailer of the Day

What every buddy cop movie is missing is just a little touch of magic.  Thankfully, the wise people who invested into this turd, decided that was fact.  I give you 1990's A Gnome Named Gnorm (originally titled Upworld) starring Anthony Michael Hall, Robert "The Face" Z'Dar, Lenny Briscoe Jerry Orbach, plus some pupeteers and possible costumed little people.

Five Of My Favorite Shitty Linda Blair B-Movies!

From the time when she first melted our hearts as the chubby cheeked young girl that masturbated with crucifixes and told some priests their mothers sucked cock in hell, Linda Blair has been charming B-movie lovers for decades (aka the 70's and 80's).  After being snubbed by the Academy in 1974 when she was nominated for The Exorcist, but lost the Best Actress in a Supporting Role Oscar to Tatum O'Neal (FIX!), she's been saying "fuck you" to the film industry ever since by being in some of the shittiest movies ever made.  Bravo.  

Evolving from the cherub-faced child actor that scared the shit out of us, to a cherub-faced big-boobied B-movie queen, Blair's work has run the gamet of shitty film genres including, horror, sexploitation, action, thrillers and even the short-lived roller skating movie musical.  Here are my top five favorite of some of the worst shitstorms of cinema starring the beautiful and buxom Linda Blair.   

5.  Roller Boogie (1979)

Quite possibly one of the worst roller skating movies ever made other than 1986's Roller Blade, Roller Boogie follows the pretty established dance film formula, some young kids are just having a good time being young and enjoying their favorite form of artistic expression (insert current dance fad here) and some big bullies (mobsters, drug dealers, rich business owners) want to tear down their local hot spot where they do said fad.  In order to save the joint, they must compete in a competition of said fad to win the prize money needed to save their (community center, dance studio, roller rink).  In Roller Boogie, Blair plays Terry Barkley who loves roller skating, side pony tails, the 70's and her new roller skating partner who she (SPOILER) falls in love with!  Blair's boyfriend named Bobby James is played by "competitive artistic skater" Jim Bray who discontinued skating in order to start a film career beginning with this movie and then never made any other films.  Whoops.  The film includes several roller skating hokey pokeys and other sick dance moves.  Figure skating type costumes and some ridiculously cheesy dance choreography.  Roller Boogie combines both the burgeoning at the time roller skating fad with a dying at the time disco soundtrack.  It's like Saturday Night Fever on skates without all the rape and character development.  Yay, fun for the whole family!  Check out the trailer below.




4. The Chilling (1989)

Blair plays a naive nurse named Mary, who works in a Kansas City Cryogenics Laboratory.  The laboratory houses several cryogenically frozen people, who chose to be iced before impending death in the hopes that eventually technology would become advanced enough, cures would be found for their ailments.  This one is kind of a cerebral.  Blair, along with an equally naive family member of a stiff, believe that the good Dr. Miller who is in charge of the unit ,is doing admirable research, rather than creep-o experiments.  Well, they're wrong and after the lab is hit one night with a bolt of lightening, the frozen bodies come to life and start mindlessly killing people.  It's sort of like Night of the Living Dead + Re-Animator + Frankenstein, but not half as good as any of those.  Although the zombie aspect of this isn't very original, I sort of appreciate they tried to add some scientific logical element to these zombies rather than the usual toxic waste or alien involvement.  Even if it is total shit.  The movie chugs along pretty slowly before the zombies show up and Blair is sort of over the top with how stupid she pretends to be, but for me this is all redeemed later on by ice zombies breaking out of glass coffin tubes.  Feast your eye holes on the trailer below.




3. Nightforce (1987)
       

Remember that movie where a group of high school students during World War II band together to fight off invading Russian Soviets in their little middle American town using guerrilla warfare tactics?  No?  Really?  Fucking Patrick "Makes Me Crazy Hazy" Swayze is in it!  Well, whether you saw or not, how about this.  Instead of middle American high school students we have rich country club twenty somethings?  Instead of some big star at the time like Jennifer Grey, we have Linda Blair's boobs?  Instead of World War II and Russian commies, we use ambiguous Central American terrorists?  Instead of fighting a war as unequipped ill-prepared youth in their own backyard, the group of friends travel to Central America to rescue the mostly naked daughter of an American Senator because, you know, the cops don't give a shit?  Exactly.  Pure genius.  I always thought that Red Dawn movie was bullshit anyway.  This movie also has one of my favorite lines in Linda Blair shitty movie history, "...Not as funny as five college students going down to Central America and getting their butts shot off."  You're right Linda, there is something that is not as funny as shooting off butts.  Nightforce, when guys were guys and girls were boobs.  You're welcome for the trailer below.  

2. Chained Heat (1983)

Billed as "The Ultimate in Chicks in Chains Movies," Chained Heat is fucking pure shit-moving making magic.  It's a perfect example of when everything it is that makes a horrible awful yet completely watchable bad movie comes together in one deliciously perfect poop stew.  Blair plays naive prison newb, Carol, who is sentenced to hard time in lady prison after accidentally killing a dude.  When she arrives, she is thrust into a steamy seedly world of corrupt coke-snorting-inmate-fucking wardens, rapist prison guards, psychotic crack-dealing lesbians stereotypes and a giant race war brewing between prison factions.  How will she ever survive?  There are boobs, boobs, Sybil Danning, boobs, hot tubs, racist nick names and boobs!  Also, bush and then more boobs!  I do agree with the DVD box though, this one puts some of the best including Reform School Girls, The Big Bust Out and the movie of which this film ripped-off, Caged Heat to shit movie shame.  Plus, boobs!  See if you can handle all the penned up female fury below.




1. Savage Streets (1984)

Although Chained Heat is a work of turd art, Savage Streets is without a doubt my absolute favorite Linda Blair movie of all time and just so happens to also be a bad one.  Blair plays Brenda, a wise-talking, big-boobied teenager whose hobbies include being overprotective of her younger deaf/mute sister played by my all time favorite B-movie actress ever Linnea Quigley (boner) and going downtown with her pack of hot slutty and bookish friends to cock tease creep-os.  The second one is more of an unfortunate circumstance rather than a chosen hobbie.  When the girls are downtown celebrating the bachelor party of one of their friends (who is obviously marrying in high school because she's pregnant) a car full of rapey assholes and members of a local drug pushing gang, The Scars, nearly run-over Brenda's sister and then proposition her for sex.  She turns them down so they call the girls a bunch of names and take off.   Brenda decides this is bullshit so when the girls see the Scars empty parked car later on, they steal it and fuck it up a bit.  The guys respond to this by tracking the girls down back at their high school, raping and beating Brenda's deaf/mute sister and later cornering Brenda's blushing high school bride-to-be friend and throwing her off a bridge.  Brenda decides this is also bullshit so she loads up on bear traps, cross bows, machine guns and trip wire and turns the seedy streets into her own personal Rambo woods, taking down each rapist asshole at a time.  Rape scenes are a little too common in bad movies, but once you get past that tragic mess, it makes it even more satisfying to watch her arrow all these assholes in the dick.  This movie didn't grant women the right to vote or anything, but that doesn't make it any less legendary.  Experience the epicness (and some moments of fucked up violence against women) below.