Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Five Of My Favorite Shitty Linda Blair B-Movies!

From the time when she first melted our hearts as the chubby cheeked young girl that masturbated with crucifixes and told some priests their mothers sucked cock in hell, Linda Blair has been charming B-movie lovers for decades (aka the 70's and 80's).  After being snubbed by the Academy in 1974 when she was nominated for The Exorcist, but lost the Best Actress in a Supporting Role Oscar to Tatum O'Neal (FIX!), she's been saying "fuck you" to the film industry ever since by being in some of the shittiest movies ever made.  Bravo.  

Evolving from the cherub-faced child actor that scared the shit out of us, to a cherub-faced big-boobied B-movie queen, Blair's work has run the gamet of shitty film genres including, horror, sexploitation, action, thrillers and even the short-lived roller skating movie musical.  Here are my top five favorite of some of the worst shitstorms of cinema starring the beautiful and buxom Linda Blair.   

5.  Roller Boogie (1979)

Quite possibly one of the worst roller skating movies ever made other than 1986's Roller Blade, Roller Boogie follows the pretty established dance film formula, some young kids are just having a good time being young and enjoying their favorite form of artistic expression (insert current dance fad here) and some big bullies (mobsters, drug dealers, rich business owners) want to tear down their local hot spot where they do said fad.  In order to save the joint, they must compete in a competition of said fad to win the prize money needed to save their (community center, dance studio, roller rink).  In Roller Boogie, Blair plays Terry Barkley who loves roller skating, side pony tails, the 70's and her new roller skating partner who she (SPOILER) falls in love with!  Blair's boyfriend named Bobby James is played by "competitive artistic skater" Jim Bray who discontinued skating in order to start a film career beginning with this movie and then never made any other films.  Whoops.  The film includes several roller skating hokey pokeys and other sick dance moves.  Figure skating type costumes and some ridiculously cheesy dance choreography.  Roller Boogie combines both the burgeoning at the time roller skating fad with a dying at the time disco soundtrack.  It's like Saturday Night Fever on skates without all the rape and character development.  Yay, fun for the whole family!  Check out the trailer below.

4. The Chilling (1989)

Blair plays a naive nurse named Mary, who works in a Kansas City Cryogenics Laboratory.  The laboratory houses several cryogenically frozen people, who chose to be iced before impending death in the hopes that eventually technology would become advanced enough, cures would be found for their ailments.  This one is kind of a cerebral.  Blair, along with an equally naive family member of a stiff, believe that the good Dr. Miller who is in charge of the unit ,is doing admirable research, rather than creep-o experiments.  Well, they're wrong and after the lab is hit one night with a bolt of lightening, the frozen bodies come to life and start mindlessly killing people.  It's sort of like Night of the Living DeadRe-Animator + Frankenstein, but not half as good as any of those.  Although the zombie aspect of this isn't very original, I sort of appreciate they tried to add some scientific logical element to these zombies rather than the usual toxic waste or alien involvement.  Even if it is total shit.  The movie chugs along pretty slowly before the zombies show up and Blair is sort of over the top with how stupid she pretends to be, but for me this is all redeemed later on by ice zombies breaking out of glass coffin tubes.  Feast your eye holes on the trailer below.

3. Nightforce (1987)
Remember that movie where a group of high school students during World War II band together to fight off invading Russian Soviets in their little middle American town using guerrilla warfare tactics?  No?  Really?  Fucking Patrick "Makes Me Crazy Hazy" Swayze is in it!  Well, whether you saw or not, how about this.  Instead of middle American high school students we have rich country club twenty somethings?  Instead of some big star at the time like Jennifer Grey, we have Linda Blair's boobs?  Instead of World War II and Russian commies, we use ambiguous Central American terrorists?  Instead of fighting a war as unequipped ill-prepared youth in their own backyard, the group of friends travel to Central America to rescue the mostly naked daughter of an American Senator because, you know, the cops don't give a shit?  Exactly.  Pure genius.  I always thought that Red Dawn movie was bullshit anyway.  This movie also has one of my favorite lines in Linda Blair shitty movie history, "...Not as funny as five college students going down to Central America and getting their butts shot off."  You're right Linda, there is something that is not as funny as shooting off butts.  Nightforce, when guys were guys and girls were boobs.  You're welcome for the trailer below.  

2. Chained Heat (1983)

Billed as "The Ultimate in Chicks in Chains Movies," Chained Heat is fucking pure shit-moving making magic.  It's a perfect example of when everything it is that makes a horrible awful yet completely watchable bad movie comes together in one deliciously perfect poop stew.  Blair plays naive prison newb, Carol, who is sentenced to hard time in lady prison after accidentally killing a dude.  When she arrives, she is thrust into a steamy seedly world of corrupt coke-snorting-inmate-fucking wardens, rapist prison guards, psychotic crack-dealing lesbians stereotypes and a giant race war brewing between prison factions.  How will she ever survive?  There are boobs, boobs, Sybil Danning, boobs, hot tubs, racist nick names and boobs!  Also, bush and then more boobs!  I do agree with the DVD box though, this one puts some of the best including Reform School Girls, The Big Bust Out and the movie of which this film ripped-off, Caged Heat to shit movie shame.  Plus, boobs!  See if you can handle all the penned up female fury below.

1. Savage Streets (1984)

Although Chained Heat is a work of turd art, Savage Streets is without a doubt my absolute favorite Linda Blair movie of all time and just so happens to also be a bad one.  Blair plays Brenda, a wise-talking, big-boobied teenager whose hobbies include being overprotective of her younger deaf/mute sister played by my all time favorite B-movie actress ever Linnea Quigley (boner) and going downtown with her pack of hot slutty and bookish friends to cock tease creep-os.  The second one is more of an unfortunate circumstance rather than a chosen hobbie.  When the girls are downtown celebrating the bachelor party of one of their friends (who is obviously marrying in high school because she's pregnant) a car full of rapey assholes and members of a local drug pushing gang, The Scars, nearly run-over Brenda's sister and then proposition her for sex.  She turns them down so they call the girls a bunch of names and take off.   Brenda decides this is bullshit so when the girls see the Scars empty parked car later on, they steal it and fuck it up a bit.  The guys respond to this by tracking the girls down back at their high school, raping and beating Brenda's deaf/mute sister and later cornering Brenda's blushing high school bride-to-be friend and throwing her off a bridge.  Brenda decides this is also bullshit so she loads up on bear traps, cross bows, machine guns and trip wire and turns the seedy streets into her own personal Rambo woods, taking down each rapist asshole at a time.  Rape scenes are a little too common in bad movies, but once you get past that tragic mess, it makes it even more satisfying to watch her arrow all these assholes in the dick.  This movie didn't grant women the right to vote or anything, but that doesn't make it any less legendary.  Experience the epicness (and some moments of fucked up violence against women) below.

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