|"...That's the wave of the future? Get a horse!"|
Don't be fooled by the steamy Stamos video cover art, Born to Ride is actually a pretty decent movie. The production quality is higher than expected, the acting is fair and the story is stupid, but it's at least well written. The best and worst part of this movie is it's star
|John Stamos. Bad to the boner.|
Colonel Deves: "...You ride that thing like most people walk on two legs."
Dirty. The Colonel was so impressed by his skills at the event, he's willing to enlist him and even giving him the rank of Corporal, no boot camp or VD test required. Unfortunately for the Colonel, he must endure several steamy Stamos eye squints and bad sarcastic one-liners before he agrees.
Colonel Deves: "...I need someone to teach my men how to ride them machines and you're the man to do it."
Grady: "...The dream department is down the hall."
|"Oh these? They're my red wings."|
So the random historically inaccurate plot line aside, this film is actually pretty good. It borderlines on actual film making several times, but thankfully John Stamos brings us back to Earth with an unnecessary sex scene, an unfunny sarcastic remark or a stupid smoldering glance into the camera. Besides Stamos securing this film's spot in the B-movie archive, here are five other reasons this movie will forever be enjoyable to those of us with low cinematic standards.
5. Historical Inaccuracies
|"Is anyone else confused why weren't not racist towards the Asian guy?"|
Soldier: "...That's the wave of the future? Get a horse!"
I may start shouting this at people walking or hitch hiking on the street (from the bus). Also, hypothetically thinking there was such a unit, I'm not sure they would send this particular group in to bum rush a bunch of Nazi spies. Speaking of Nazis, it's never really explained why they kidnapped the two Spanish scientists in the film or what military or nuclear information they're after. On second thought, it probably was, but that doesn't change the fact that the story line is fucking ridiculous. One of the Nazi characters has a great line in the film though. After kidnapping the Spanish scientists he says to them:
Nazi: "...I am Colonel Muhl, S.S. You have nothing to fear from me Doctor."
I'm pretty sure this sentence is an oxymoron.
4. What Fucking Decade Is This?
is absolutely rocking an 80's do, the soundtrack is all 80's classic rock and Grady able to fuck a rich unmarried society girl openly and super casually. Maybe the last one is possible, but the rest don't attempt whatsoever to establish a believable time period. There is also modern slang used in the film, like when the soldiers infiltrate the Nazi lair and Grady shoots one, a fellow solider says:
Soldier: "...Did you really have to kill him?"
Grady: "...Sorry bro."
3. Homoerotic Sexual Tension
|Ironic sign photo bomb.|
Grady: "...If you blow it, you lose a piece of your uniform."
Of course, right after this the next guy fucks up and all the men chant, "...take it off!" Correct me if I'm wrong, but is the basic jist of this game is, get drunk or get naked? Either way, Stamos wins. After the men are sufficiently drunk or barely clothed, Grady says:
Grady: "...Okay, we tested your balance, your dexterity.."
He is interrupted by the bartender next to him who says:
Bartender: "...What about their balls?"
Grady smiles, but unfortunately we never get to see where this goes because the Colonel shows up and breaks up the party. Boo. Eventually Grady and the other high ranking officer of the unit, Captain Jack come to blows, (pun) a fight of which ends up in a shower filled with both clothed and naked soldiers egging them on. Hmmm. This also goes no where though because once again, cock blocking Colonel Deves shows up. Double boo.
2. Top Gun
|It's like Top Gun with attractive non-closeted gays.|
|"Are you as uncomfortable as I am?"|
The only difference between the two movies (besides the time period, motorcycles, the military branch and Stamos) is in Top Gun, Maverick's closest friend, an awkward play-it-safe soldier is killed by ejecting into a mid-air collision during a mission partially due to Maverick's ill-timed advice. In Born to Ride, Grady's only supporter, an awkward play-it-safe soldier is killed after the group ride their motorcycles down some dangerous terrain on Grady's advice. The difference in this scene is everything seems all well and good until a soldier comments, "...Do you smell gas?" The awkward soldier looks down at his leaking tank while everyone shouts "...Get off your bike!" Too late. The bike explodes in a giant ball of fire and the soldier is killed. I guess they thought the explosion part of the scene was the necessary part to recreate. Unlike Maverick in Top Gun, Grady isn't affected by this too much, in fact all the soldiers ride away and it's never brought up again. Grady is even back to his sarcastic self five minutes later.
1. Securing Stamos Sexiness
|"Don't worry. Water is the best birth control there is."|
Ultimately this film was surprisingly good and worth the watch. It's definitely no Never Too Young To Die (more on that, coming soon), but then again, NOTHING could ever be.
Steamy Stamos Faces: 19
Snarky Stamos Comments: 35
Stamos Sex: 1
Stamos Stalking: 4
Historical Inaccuracies: 16
Chicks On Bikes: 3
Times Grady Is Yelled At: 43
Homoerotic Moments: 14
Stamos Smoking: 9
Electric Guitar Riffs: 7
Other Movie Moments: 5
Times Stamos Is Shot: 0
Helicopter/Motorcycle Chases: 2
Times I Got A Stamos Boner: Infinity