B-Movie Trailer Of The DayNightmares (1983)

Did you know that between the peaceful sleep of dreams, lies the endless sleep of death?  It's called science, you guys!

TEC Podcast: Episode 50: TEC LIVES: Only Aliens Own Skin Suits!

It's Episode 50 and another installment of the much hullabalooed LIVE version of the show! For this month, we watched horrible horror anthology, 1990's THE WILLIES starring poodles, a bed of maggots, Sean Astin and inappropriate janitorial staff!  Our special guest for the show is comedian, craft guy and warlock, DOUGLAS GALE!  Unfortunately, but not surprisingly, we ran into some more technical difficulties with this one, causing the recording to cut very short, so consider this mini-sode as more of a teaser trailer to what should lead to you coming out and see us LIVE!

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Tales of the Third Dimension (1984)Dir. (Multi) Tom Durham, Worth Keeter, Earl OwensbyGenre: Horror/Anthology

"...You people have more tenacity than I do stamina."

Originally made as a 3-D movie (get the title now), this anthology horror turd is more full of vaudevillian robots and boom mic shots than coming at your face shit.  Though, coming at your face shit totally happens.  The film opens with a smoke machine in a graveyard or what appears to be the backdrop of a haunted house ride at your local county fair.  In case you think this is a bad thing, you should stop reading this now, only because you will not fully appreciate this low budget ill-informed masterpiece of b-movie badness if you do not appreciate those rubber mummies that jump out with the help of an air compressor to shout "Gawh!" at you on a run-down haunted house ride.  Also, stop interrupting me.

"I got your nose!"

Anyway... not so suddenly an animatronic skeleton in tattered clothes opens the top of a coffin which the camera does a long focus on.  Then the skull face precedes to stare into your soul with his eyelid-less eye holes that each contain a glass eye.  This happens for an uncomfortable five seconds before he moves his robotic bone jaw and introduces himself.  His name is Igor and he wants to warn you about how shitty life is by telling you three random stories.  Also, he might be the dead skeleton of the host of The Twilight Zone because he sounds like him.  That, or this is some lame rip-off ploy to make an homage slash allusion to a recognized franchise, but clearly from the outset, this movie is way too honest to resort to cheap mimicry.

The vultures reflect on possible better homages.

Now, back to the above cheap mimicry...Igor's quips are joined by the punchlines of surrounding chatty animatronic vultures.  Two of them appear to be Laurel and Hardy while three of them are rather stoogey.  Or maybe they're all just from New York.  Either way...AH! PLASTIC BAT IN YOUR FACE YOU UNSUSPECTING ASSHOLE!!!  Anyway, (you totally thought you were going to get rabies just then! You are so gullible) these really like to berate each other in a harsh, yet playful way for some reason.

While this mystery goes unsolved, Igor begins his first story about two adoption agents that are heading to an unorthodox appointment with potential adoptive parents in the middle of the night in a castle in the woods.  The male adoption agent is skeptical, while the female adoption agent is female.  Also, she mentions feeling some sort of unexplainable need to accommodate the potential adoptive parent dude she spoke with because, oh, she doesn't know.  She just did.  Once they arrive to the castle, it is clear this story is creeping up on very recognizable vampire-type territory.  Two pale people with fierce hair and lots of flowing clothes welcome them in shitty Romanian accents.  Yep.  These Euro-trash dick farts are clearly vampires (and bad character actors).  Once the agents enter the castle, the female agent continues to be charmed by the male vampire potential adoptive father while the male agent is sane and is creeping the fuck out.

"Velcome to our humblaahe ablaahode!"

The are-they-or-aren't-they Brangelina of vampires discuss their burning need to add to their growing food supply brood.  The male agent rejects this while the female agent promises to bring them a little boy.  Flash forward to some poor adolescent orphan being dumped at this couple's castle.  As they tuck him into bed and it becomes more and more apparent they are planning on totally sucking his blood or eating him or refusing to sleep with him because they love him so much or whatever, (vampire lore seems to change too often these days) shit gets real.  If I ruin it, it will be ruined  and I actually think you should see this movie.  The "twist" is campy good, though it might be familiar to some since the story is originally from an issue of the old bi-monthly horror comic, Haunt of Fear that was also reproduced later (and better) in an episode of the HBO series, Tales From the Crypt.  Though this version has an added twist to the twist which I didn't see coming.

"Why not just kill you guys? Gross. We only drink the
blood of unwanted children."

The next two stories become more twisted I guess, but are not any less goofy.  If you hate rats or love kittens and grandmas, abort.  The second story involves two grave robbers that double cross a kindly old and fat kitten-loving groundskeeper of a cemetery in the hopes that they can find some alleged entrance in the graveyard that leads to dead people gold treasure or something.  Somehow this goes awry for both parties.  The rats in the graveyard basement do not appreciate having their dead people gold treasure stolen and express as much.

"Mom, Grandma is trying to
kiss us with a shotgun again!"

The last story in the anthology is about another kindly old person, except this one is a woman in a wheelchair and claims to be a grandma.  Two unsuspecting grandchildren are dropped off at Grandma's house a week before Christmas by their self-absorbed shitty parents and must endure the next few days before their parents return.  Initially, everything is cool.  They open presents, drink cocoa, push around Grandma's wheelchair and pretend to listen to her old people stories.  Then, Grandma apparently runs out of don't-shoot-people pills and the kids learn how to hide well and cry quietly.  Don't worry, someone saves the day and yes, that means Santa totally kills Grandma by shooting her crippled ass out of a chimney.  I'm not sure if this should be applauded, but nevermind.  I though about it and it should.  Bottom line, this shitty anthology is worth a viewing.  Especially if you have beer and chips and salsa handy.  3D glasses and/or high expectations not required or advised. 

Shit Flying At Your Face: 6
Dead Old People: 2
Children Threatened With Violence: 3-6
Vaudeville References: 5?
Animatronic Things: 6
Times The Talking Skeleton Actually Creeped Me Out: 3
Kittens: 5
Rats: Infinity
Graveyard Scenes: 2
Children Fostered By Vampires: 6
Capes: 1
Twilight Zone References: 8
Santa Cameos: 1-2
     

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library

I acquired this gem in a very random way.  My dad actually saw this at a yard sale and instead of buying it for my mom who might have appreciated it on a serious level, he decided to buy it for me because he thought that I quote, "...would find it funny."  Funny is quite the understatement for the heinous brilliance that is 1993's Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Toted as the "first video romance novel" (and unfortunately the last), Fabio: ATFR is pretty much some asshole's sexist idea of soft core porn for hetero-housewives...and it's awesome.  The movie starts with an introduction from Fab himself in a white tux, holding a single red rose.  Is your pussy wet yet ladies?!? 

He introduces the video as, "...a bideo I mad fore mah freahnds."  That's you Mom!  Not only did he make you a very special gift with his very own very special tan and muscular hand meat, but he also adds this non-sexual innuendo, "...so cahm, jenny wit me to tha lahnd of roarmahnce."  What was that Mom?  What is the "land of romance?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure Dad already does a decent job of explaining that to you.  Like the time he bought you a sewing machine for Christmas or cooking pans for your birthday.  What woman doesn't love to cook?  Secondly, romance in land form is a middle-aged, quasi-attractive romance novelist up late at night in her silk negligee trying to come up with material for her next book whilst snacking on baby carrots.  She comes up with three genius story lines (if I forgot to mention earlier, this "movie" is an anthology piece) all involving Fabs as the main character. 

In one story he is viking paddling along a river in Wisconsin the English coast when he comes upon some community theater actor practicing fencing a young British farmer who challenges him to a duuuel.  Just when the nearly naked Fabio is about to run the boy through with his tin foil sword cutlass, the boy's attractive sister intervenes and begs Fabs to take her life and spare her brother's.  He agrees, but low and motherfucking behold y'all!  Instead of stabbing her to death, he tells the boy to fetch a priest to...what what, marry them!  Okay.  At this point, I assume you are overcome with ecstasy ladies, but wait, keep your pants on.  There's more! 

In our next entry into what every woman wants, Fabs plays a charming freshly shaved pirate.  His rag tag group of rapists and pillagers (who also all manage to fake an English accent, I guess Fabs passes with just sounding European) find a woman run ashore covered in bird poop and seaweed I guess.  I guess this because the pirates and Fabs, their pirate king naturally, mention her stank quite a bit.  Fab tells a blind pirate to clean her up and get her some fresh clothes so she can "dine" with him.  She refuses at first, but Fabio reminds her that if she doesn't want to hang out with him, he could always leave her to be babysitted by his men who, "...hahb bin aht sea a lung thyme," wink, wink.  This is probably the rapiest of all the stories.  After she's cleaned up, she and Fabs sit down to a moonlit tent chicken dinner on the beach. The girl starts off being feisty, based on Fab and his pirates running her ship aground and causing everyone to drown.  Don't you worry all you romance fans, because Fabs manages to charm her over a cheeky game of chess and some Vivaldi.  Oh yeah.

"...cahm flye wit mae, lehts sahl awaye."

The last story in the bunch involves the novelist herself.  She falls asleep and dreams she is a simple "school teacher" who falls in love with a gorgeously rich Italian Count (Fabio, obvs).  However will they stay together?  He's high society and she's like, totally middle class!  Thankfully, (SPOILER) Fabio has a solution and guess what, hold onto your vaginas ladies, he proposes marriage (again)!  Not only that, but he offers to whisk her away from her boring average life of child education to live with him in his expensive Italian villa!  Squirt!

Just when you think this tape is over and you're pretty much maxed out on orgasms, it ends with not one, but TWO final twists!  If you like unintentionally hilarious hunkage, man meat and of course, romance, you must find a copy of Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Not only for your own sexual spiritual re-birth, but to keep love alive!