Each Thanksgiving, we at TEC try to highlight films of
the Nativesploitation genre, most often involving the revenge killing of
white people. This year, we went with a little more light-hearted
cultural appropriation tale thanks to Chuck Norris' 1996 kid-friendly
environmentalist vehicle, FOREST WARRIOR. Along for the alleged "ass-kicking" awkward ride is special guest, comedian DAVID LEON! Expect animorphs, agendas, Native pride and zero cultural insight!
Not only is it Episode 47 of TEC (finally) but it's the very second TEC LIVES! That's right, live on location at The White Rabbit
in Fremont in front of an existing and fully functional live studio
audience, mostly! For this episode we screened the marvelously
shitastic action flick starring Playmate boobs and cancer snakes, 1987's
HARD TICKET TO HAWAII! 1 dead blow up doll, 2 bags of diamonds and 3 cunnilingus comments later, we recorded Episode 47 LIVE w/special guests comedian/Seattle Lust Tour host SARAH SKILLING, Rat City Rollergirl MC/Xtreme Pencil Fighting Ringmaster JAKE STRATTON and comedian/actor/speaker of truthsOWEN STRAW! Expect personal stories about Dolemite,
a lacking of coconuts, acid flashbacks, rapping about cancer and the
faint noise of the few people that stayed after the movie!
For Episode 32 we watched an infamous B-movie you may have actually seen for once, 1986's when-gymnastics-meets-karate-action-spy-thriller, GYMKATA! My guests include graphic designer/photographer/Scarecrow Video alumniALEX THOMAS, stand up comedian and fellow Children of the Atom member, CORBETT CUMMINS and movie lover/avid TEC listener DEVIN SHERIDAN (aka Little Bear)! We discuss Corbett's members only jacket, stunt man screams, the greatest b-movie trailer ever made, give my best friend a rude wake up call and have our third ever episode walk off!!
It's a ninja challenge Enemaniacs! With Episode 29 we bring you legendary chopsocky B-movie director, Godfrey Ho, 1987's NINJA KILL that involved at least five scenes with ninjas we think! We know this because their headbands labeled them as such. My guests include The Friendly Voices Podcast co-hosts, comedian Adam Firestone and art guy/visionary Barry Blankenship! Expect KFC biscuit shout-outs, a Green Lantern review (sort of) and several apologies.
For Episode 24, we decide to smash or brains with the Andrew Dice Clay action/adventure/romance turd, 1993's BRAIN SMASHER...A LOVE STORY! My guests for this woman-hating, ball breaking, kung fu fighting episode are comedians and hosts of Delicious Mediocrity, Derek Sheen and Doug Gale! Plus special guest, TEC and Del Med podcast producer, Mark Allender! Expect bad Italian accents, bush jokes, All In The Family impressions and our very first noise complaint ever recorded LIVE! That's right Enemaniacs, the Dice Man has cometh...again.
*This and all TEC Podcast Episodes available for download on ourPodbean site and on iTunes!
Quite possibly one of the most random of the awful movies we've seen, it's 1987's MIAMI CONNECTION! It's like The Warriors, but with ninjas, new wave bands, unhappy 40 year old orphans and lots of shitty music. Guests include comedians Seth Lazear, Corbett Cummins and a secret special guest!
You can download this episode and all others from the Podbean sitehere or find us on iTunes!
It's a psychic/samurai/slasher for "Horrible Holidays" Episode 17! Possibly one of the worst movies I've graced my guests with so far, 1982's BLOODBEAT starring a glowing samurai psychic ghost, a bunch of faux French rednecks and a Christmas tree in a couple of scenes. A dude brings his hyper emotional/shy/secret slut girlfriend Sarah home to his parents cabin for the holidays and unfortunately for her, his family and his penis, a poltergeist in the form of a killer samurai decides to spread some yuletide fear! Yeah. I'm still confused.
"Must. Not. Beef."
My guests who attempt to help me figure out this Christmas crap-fest are comedians and returning guests, Derek Sheen (host of the Delicious Mediocrity Podcast) and Emmett Montgomery (co-founder of The People's Republic of Komedy)! Also along for this beer and chip-fueled ride is brand new guest, comedian Yogi Paliwal (host of thePlayer's Room Podcast)! Together we discuss fat camp, French-fried hillbillies, violent masturbation and laser revenge all culminating in one guest's genuine freak out and our very first podcast walkout (not inspired by the movie)!
*You can download this all allTEC Podcast Episodes from our Podbeansite hereor find us oniTunes!
A scene straight out of the script of the amazing B-grade-shot on video-PG-rape/revenge-white people doing karate movie, 1993's High Kicks as read by the avatars on the text-to-video site, Xtranormal.com.
As a avid lover of the chop-socky genre, I appreciate an actually good quality martial arts movie. Then again, I am also a lover of the shitty turd film genre so I LOVE a good cultural appropriation white person in martial arts film fail a little bit more sometimes. Whether you are or are not familiar with the genre, to sum it up, these films usually involve a white dude raised by lone old wise Asian man taught in the ways of ambiguous martial arts, the teachings and technique of which the filmmakers often take a lot of liberties with. Then the aforementioned man with a name that sounds like a nick name for a penis will join a police force or the military only to have his unknown martial arts skills rear their head just in time for friends, enemies and big-tittied lady girls to take notice. Then shit explodes, shirts come off and our hero round houses his way into our hearts and our already moistened vaginas. The end. Here is a list of my top 5 favorite movies in this genre, unfortunately excluding two of my very favorites just because I've already reviewed them in other ways (you can read about High Kickshere and Ninja III: The Dominationhere and you should).
5. Day of the Panther (1988)
Not only is this film a martial arts vehicle with a white dude as the star, but it's set in Australia! Edward John Stazack plays Jason Blade, a martial arts expert trained in China by the secret martial arts group (and no, their "martial art" is never fully identified) the Panthers. He, his fellow Panther member and partner in something, a "beautiful" blond named Linda (played by Linda Megier), are sent on a secret mission to Perth, Australia to stop an evil drug lord and fellow martial arts expert Zukor. Linda is killed while taking photographs of the drug operation and both Jason and other fellow Panther, Linda's (uncle?father?) vow to take revenge, sort of. They're not too pissed about it actually. The rest of the film involves Jason taking on Zukor and his many henchmen (and also "getting" on Linda's still alive and cuter cousin, Gemma (Paris Jefferson). There is a final showdown with no conclusion because the whole thing ends on a cliff hanger. Why do you ask? To answer that question, read on to Fists of Blood!
4. Fists of Blood (1987)
Here's where shit gets weird. Fists of Blood is supposed to be the sequel to Day of the Panther even though it was released a year before. It begins with scenes pulled from Day of the Panther in flashback sequences with narration. In fact, over half of FistsisDay of the Panther. They also try to establish in Fists that Jason and Linda were a couple, reason being he is attempting to seek revenge against Zukor because he killed his girlfriend, but if you actually watch DOTP, there doesn't seem to be a romantic relationship between them at all. This is actually good to know, because if you only watch Fists, you might think Jason is a total douchebag for screwing his dead girlfriend's young cousin so soon after her death. Although, he probably is an asshole regardless with a name like Jason Blade. Fists has a more somber tone than DOTP, kind of like Empire Strikes Back in that way. Linda's uncle/father is hit by a car and barely survives, Gemma is eventually kidnapped by Zukor's men and Jason must go to their drug compound and save her. Don't worry though, just when Jason's chips are down, good old Linda's uncle/father is able to motivate him using telepathic cheerleading from his hospital bed. The highlight of Fists is when Jason takes on a mission from someone to rescue their daughter who was kidnapped and is hooking at a brothel somewhere in order to feed the drug habit the kidnappers forced on her. What? It happens. Jason busts in this stately house filled with naked ladies and senators and takes pimps and hos down one by one with karate or another martial art of some kind. The girl he saves even uses some S&M hooker's whip against her as a weapon. Both of these films are great, although Fists holds a special place in my vagina heart. One of the few times a VHS box delivers on the cool shit it's advertising. Look at that video cover! Fuck yeah!
3. American Ninja (1985)
American Ninja, made in sunny 1985 and directed by Ninja III: The Domination and the Breakin' films director, Sam Firstenberg, stars non-martial arts expert and pretty boy actor Michael Dudikoff. Dudikoff plays Joe Armstrong, a troubled young drifter who suffers from amnesia, gets in a lot of trouble and happens to be trained in the deadly martial arts. After getting arrested, again, the judge gives Joe the option of enlisting in the army or going to prison. He chooses good old Uncle Sam, of the iconic variety, not the prison nick name. While being stationed in the Philippines, a convoy he is in, along with the Colonel's totally fuckable daughter, is ambushed by a band of evil ninja thugs from a local drug ring. Joe decides to fight back to save the girl and in the process all of his fellow soldiers are killed. He returns to base with the girl, but is only met with bullshit from all the higher ups for fighting with the gang and possibly inciting them to kill everyone in his platoon. Eventually he wins back respect after getting into a fight with a high ranking officer whom he impresses with his caucasoid ninja skills. The evil ninja drug lord, boss of the thugs from earlier, wants Joe dead for interfering with their evil ninja plans and the movie climaxes with a ninja off as Joe infiltrates the drug compound to kill the drug lord, the men responsible for killing his fellow soldiers and to save the Colonel's daughter who has been kidnapped for a second time. Dudikoff had no martial arts training when cast for this film and it shows. He barely has any lines and pretty much just hangs out acting aloof and trying to smolder, but this is just one of many endearing qualities of this shit awful movie. Also, a missile is thrown at a helicopter just as ninja Joe pulls the Colonel's daughter out of it. Come on, I had you at "missile." Check out the trailer below.
2. Gymkata (1985)
Starring Kurt Thomas, a real life Olympic gymnast, Gymkata attempts to take the athleticism of gymnastics and pair it with the "excitement" of karate. FAIL! Thomas plays Jonathan Cabot, an (here's a stretch) Olympic gymnast who is hired by the SIA (Secret Intelligence Agency, totally real) to enter a secret tournament (where was the gymnast in Mortal Kombat?) known as "the Game" in a small (fake) city Parmistan somewhere in the "old country." The game is pretty much this giant obstacle course that tests your endurance and strength while being chased by local ninjas and thankfully has plenty of pull up bars and chalk-powdered balance beams within it. If you win "the game" you get to not die and are granted "one wish." SIA is hoping Jonathan will win so he can wish for permission to set up a U.S. satellite tracking system thing so America can be more prepared for nuclear war from the commies. I don't think I want to ruin this movie by continuing to give away any more plot points, it would just cheapen it, really. What else do you need to be sure that this is one of the greatest white person in a martial arts movie premises you've ever heard? Still not convinced? Then check out the trailer below. Pure gay gold!
1. Samurai Cop (1989)
Starring Robert "The Face" Z'Dar and an eventual porn star, Samurai Cop is not only one of the best of the worst white person in a martial arts movie, but it's one of the best of the worst all kind of movie of all time! Ridiculously long-haired and tan Matt Hannon plays Joe Marshall, a cop who plays dirty and knows how to swing a sword (if you're picking up what I'm putting down). Not only that stuff, but he is also trained in the "ways of the Samurai" as well as the ways of being an incredibly huge douche. I'm not even sure where to begin with what this movie is about. Basically Joe and his wise-cracking easy going partner are trying to take down a group of criminals run by a king pin whose number one henchman (Z'Dar) is trained "in the ways of the Samurai." There are sped up footage fights, open talks of sex in hospitals, a black man who is threatened to have his "gift" cut off, horrible sets, awful lighting, shitty stunt doubles, obvious wigs on the long-haired hero and more! The dialogue consists of nuggets of wisdom, such as this interaction between Joe and a fellow officer that he is boning. She asks him to come by that night, but he can't so he says to her, "...Keep it warm for me." What the fuck? Joe parades around in black bikini underwear for much of the film and he has a lot of unnecessary slut sex, but eventually woos the good girl somehow. This thing is so amazingly bad, it's definitely one of my favorite all time shitty movies in general. For more examples of its pure beautiful shittiness, check out some clips below!
In the tradition of Tom Hanks' Turner and Hooch (1989) and Jim Belushi'sK-9 (1989), Chuck Norris stars in not your average buddy cop action/comedy, but this time it's 1995 and...a different breed of dog...
First off, let me begin by saying, welcome to America! In America, (pronounced U! S! A! Motherfucker!) we care about a couple of things. Equality and value. Along with probably every other country, we can buy fifty movies on high-tech digital video discs for the price of one movie! This may seem like a bargain in theory, but when you actually think about it, are you honestly going to go through all of that mayonnaise before it spoils? Also, does mayonnaise ever really spoil?
Bargain movie packs, somewhat like Ye Old Country Buffets, are a scam as old as time. Quantity over quality. Perhaps because I was raised with the mentality that twenty cheap pieces of shit as Christmas presents from the dollar store were better than one quality $20 item that I actually wanted, I own more than a few of these. Also, I went to Sizzler for every birthday from ages 5-12 because fuck real restaurant limits, I want pizza and mashed potatoes in the same meal! The real challenge with "value" packs is to find more than one film in the within that is actually watchable.
Of course, this means traversing through 47 other possibly straight-to-video-shelf turds just to find a mediocre movie. For many, finding the dedication for this type of detective work is nearly pointless impossible. Thankfully (?) for me, I am stubborn and have somewhat of a drinking problem so I happily take on this challenge. Preemptive background now having been spewed, here are some half-decent holy grails I was able to find in those Nazi-riddled caves also known as bargain bin movie value packs.
Chilling Classics - 50 Movie Pack
Although this pack is full of mostly grainy, slow and unwatchable turds from the 50's - 70's, there were a few circa 80's and 90's fully watchable and sort of enjoyable films scattered throughout as well as some surprisingly interesting older films. There are some recognizable films, such as Peter Jackson's Bad Taste (1987) and cheesy docudrama, The Legend of Bigfoot(1976), about the endless search finding that ever elusive hunting buddy in a cheap gorilla suit Northwest legend. Since movies such as these are more obvious in their entertainment factor and I just so happen to still have at least six beers left, I prefer to dig further. Here are some examples of the fruits of my labor.
Drive-in Massacre (1977)
This film starts with text claiming the story is based on an ACTUAL series of murders at a California drive-in movie theater. This is unconfirmed because I never felt like researching it on the Internet. Either way, it's your average steak and potatoes slasher film where kids go to the drive-in to give each other hand jobs, end up talking about unwanted pregnancies and eventually get their heads cut off and stabbed to death by a crazy with a sword. Police try to investigate, sort of and all they really learn is something about a carnival that used to be on the same spot as the drive-in theater. They surmise, with all their hardened police wisdom, that maybe the sword swallowing carny is still pissed about losing his lucrative carny job and is going "postal" if you will. This is never fully revealed, but who really cares? It might be some right wing ninja that hates abortions and would rather these babies die with honor. That's what I like to pretend anyway. The end of the movie has a disclaimer that states the killer was duh,duh,duh "never found" and "could still be at large." Holy shit, you guys! And we were all so totally pumped to go to the drive-in tonight! Bummer city man! Try to handle the ominous teenage abstinence commercial below.
Metamorphosis (1990)
A brilliant genetic researcher is being pressured by the higher ups to come up with results faster on his new project, a serum that reverses aging. Why didn't he just tell them it might be a bit of wait since that isn't fucking possible? Any who, like most brilliant genetic researchers, he decides to inject his own eyeball with the stuff to see if it actually works (even though he watched at least two monkeys die really dead from it already). Turns out it reverses human aging, but increases monster becoming by A LOT. He ends up turning into this pretty heinous soupy goopy thing with yellow eyes that likes to rip off young girls clothes and eat their faces or something. Apparently it works kind of like roids. There's a side story about a girlfriend with kid who understands the man behind the monster, but fails really to make good parenting choices. Point is, cute guy turns into frightening monster and this can only end one way...unless you haven't seen The Fly and in that case you are still optimistic. Check out the VHS tape preview below under the more aggressive title, Regenerator.
House of the Dead (1978)
Mostly released under the what the fuck title Alien Zone, this quaint little nugget is about an adulterous husband that gets stranded in an unknown city at night in the rain and is taken in by a kindly/creepy old funeral home director who makes him a cup of coffee and brings him into that place in the basement he keeps all the dead bodies. He opens each coffin and tells the weary guy yarns about each dead person and how they came to be in wooden boxes in his basement. I generally love the stories within a story genre. This one isn't as good as Monster Club, but it's interesting enough. The ending seemed pretty predictable from the start, but though I was ultimately right on how shit played out, there is a bit of a twist to it.
Horror Classics - 8 Movie Pack
Though this pack seemed to be full of only horror classics, decent ones by the way, I was intrigued by a listing on the back of a film titled Mutantfor a few reasons, one it was titled Mutant, two it starred Wings Hauser and three it was made in the 80's. I took the gamble and for $5, it kind of paid off.
Mutant (1984)
Originally titled Night Shadows when it was released theatrically, Mutant is about two dudes (one of which is Wings Hauser, who has one of the best action actor names after Powers Boothe) that go on a road trip that is rudely re-routed by some asshole hillbillies that run them off the road, getting their car stuck in a ditch. From there they walk to a nearby town full of, no surprise, backwoods butt-fuck weirdos that they eventually find out are infected by mutating toxic zombieism, a relatively unknown disease! People die and other half dead people lurch around and walk slowly. All in all, a fairly entertaining hour and a half. There's even a fleeting romance thrown in there for all you lame-os. Mutant mayhem below!
Horror Classics - 8 Movie Pack (Again)
Almost the same pack with with more haunting mysterious imagery (sorry Christoper Lee) and less Jack Nicholson. Also, eleven hours instead of ten! That's an entire sixty more minutes of movie for the same price! U! S! A!
Snowbeast (1977)
Sometimes I'm sold on title alone, but those titles don't always live up to their...titles. Snowbeast is exactly what you would imagine. Here's a shocker, it was a made for T.V. movie so kind of like an after school special in that way. Just like learning one beer is too many with Val Kilmer, sometimes you shouldn't ski near lonely ape creatures. It only makes them jealous.
Snowbeast reflects on whether or not he should have told Karen how he truly felt...
Which reminds me of the plot, a small Colorado ski resort is rocked to it's small skiing core when several skiers are eaten to death by a mysterious animal. All the townsfolk are sure it's just a bear, I mean come on, they kill people for no reason all the time, right? Just like sharks. Bears are the sharks of the forest or sharks are the bears of the sea, which ever you prefer. Eventually some of the main character people notice a really bad yeti suit and make-up job running around all bloody and gripey. Wait, was it the Yeti Abominable SnowmanSnowbeast that killed Karl? I won't spoil it for you, but here's one hint, no Karls were harmed in this film because there are no Karls. On a side note: I enjoyed this movie so much, or at least the title, that I named my cat Snowbeast. He too is emotionally detached and yearns for understanding. I mean she. Well maybe if she started killing things I'd pay attention. See the drama unfold below.
Toxie's Top Ten - 10 Troma Movie Pack
I didn't actually purchase this one. My mom bought it for my birthday (thanks Mommy!). I'm not sure what these are the top ten of or at least what the criteria for the list was. I retract that statement because I think the back says something clever about them being the top "Tromatic" films as picked by Toxie himself (the affectionate nickname for equally as affectionate Toxic Avenger). The collection consists of some mildly entertaining schlock Croaked, Demented Death Farm Massacre and some real shitty bullshits such as the completely improperly packaged Dead Dudes in the House (see The Great VHS Cover Art Swindle! although presented here on DVD). Somewhat surprising is that within this tin can covered in Toxie's radioactive jizz ooze, I found what would come to be one of my favorite shit movies!
The Newlydeads (1987)
Okay, so get this...the owner of a lakeside resort that is a romantic destination for honeymooners (already, gross, stab 'em!), comes on to a lone traveler who turns out to be, a what should have been obvious, busted tranny! He kills her in a fit fear of his possible homosexuality and then the tranny's ghost starts returning to the resort, haunting the homophobe killer and his fiance as well as killing off dumb shit lovey dovey honeymooners! Yay! The effects kind of suck, but my thoughts on this movie are as long as it's red, it's blood and as long as it's grey, it's dead. Works for me, especially when there are psychics and killer trannies involved! Check out the honeymoon horror below!
Savage Sisters - 4 Movie Pack
This bunch seemed obvious enough, a collection of Blaxploitation and Kung Fu movies with women who kick ass despite the fact that they are unfortunately women. TNT Jackson, Get Christie Love, Sister Street Fighter, all films I had seen at some point or another, but SHUT THE DOOR, my friends! Turns out, there was a fucking wild card in this movie pack deck and a pretty SAVAGE wild card at that!
High Kicks (1993)
So you may have found that "holy grail" comment a little over the top earlier, but that was before you understood the monumental find that is this movie! I thought these sort of plots, actors, outfits and mullets could only be found in my own hopeful B-movie imagination. This turd turned out to be one of my FAVORITE shit movies of ALL TIME! It's goddamn amazingly awful! The story involves a lady named Sandy that runs some aerobics class for women. Most of these women are forty and show their spandexed camel toes a lot. A new allegedly handsome faced guy named only mysteriously Sam with a gigantic lion mane of a blond mullet shows up looking for a job. He has just pulled his house boat into the town port and wants to wash some windows, if you know what I mean. Sam and Sandy share some quick wittery and possible sexual tension. After Sam leaves, the gym is shaken down by a group of ambiguous ethnics with "Crazy" before all their names. These guys end up raping Sandy even though most of them are fat and slow. The rest of the film is Sandy fighting her way back to self assurance under Sam's karate tutelage and smooth moves. She learns to love again, they end up beating up the gang of disabled rainbow kids and Sandy eventually turns the boring aerobics class into a new form of kick ass karate self defense! Fuck yeah! There is no end to why I love this film. First, it was pretty much filmed on a hand held camera, second, the music is amazingly sexy saxophone synthesizer bad and third, and this is the bombshell, (SPOILER ALERT!) in order to counsel Sandy through post-rape life, Sam reveals that HE HIMSELF has also been raped! One time he parked his boat house on an island where, well, "...the natives weren't too friendly." You can't make this shit up! Oh wait, someone did and it's called High Kicks! This thing is so hard to find that no trailer even exists on the technological plain! If I'm a liar and or lazy and you find one, let me know!
Not unlike a dog and squirrels or "challenged" people and shiny things, I am easily aroused entertained by VHS cover art. In this new fangled, better version of photo-shop, digital world we live, it has truly become a lost medium. From literal depictions of film titles to guys with guns in front of explosions to half naked women falling victim to something (come on, you should have known being thin with boobs was a poor adult decision), these masterpieces were the selling point of every straight to video turd. If the stars weren't notable, the hackey video art was the only way to draw in a viewer. Unfortunately, this leads to several instances of false advertising. Picking movies by art alone is sort of a video store Russian roulette, except rather than shooting yourself in the face, you free up an hour and a half of your evening. Both are equally awkward. Viewer beware, here are some prime examples of the times I've been straight up bullshitted by VHS cover art.
Dream Maniac (1986)
I'm not sure why I was pulled in by this one...actually, I know. There is a bald lady getting all stabby with a giant knife on the front! Also, a warning of "too gory for the silver screen"! Also, naked people! According to the back cover, the plot involves a heavy metal musician who sells his soul to a devil lady, I'm sorry, a "succubus" in exchange for getting girls. Sounds awesome, right? Book of lies! In real life, the movie is about a boring dude who likes heavy metal that invites some friends over to his house for a party or something. Oh wait, before they come over his boring guy boner brings forth a devil woman that he dreams about having sex with. Then said average looking succubus in tight clothes goes around the party and starts killing people off. Despite a blow job turning into a dick eating scene (which I saw coming, PUN!), the kills aren't that great. Another missing plot point, the main character guy has a girlfriend so there goes the whole hooking up with chicks thing. Also, you just can't wait for all these assholes at the party to be killed. There is blood and there are boobs, but it's hardly worth it. Dead giveaways this was to be avoided, the shitty tag line, the Elm Street rip-off tie-in and most obvious, note regarding "made-for-video feature film." Like I said, the knife looked shiny!
Mutant Hunt (1987)
In the future, man creates replicants mutants, mutants are inputted with microchips by one smart and or super mutant and turned into killers. This is no bueno, so man must start an elite force of cops known as Blade Runners Mutant Hunters to retire murder all the free-thinking, advanced mutants. Sounds vaguely familiar, plus, giant robot arm! Let's rent it! Though this movie starts out well enough...the special mutant hunter cop is at home with a lady and a bunch of cock blocking mutants drop in to kill him. He shoots them and kicks them all dead (the action isn't as cool as I just made it sound) and then his lady gets shot. Turns out, she was just a mutant prostitute so he doesn't really care. This is followed by more wooden acting, bad shooting skills, long pauses and dark, un-futuristic sets all filmed in different corners of the same parking garage. No robot arm and no real gore. I turned it off after forty minutes though, so maybe it picks up near the middle. If you notice any similarities to Dream Maniac, it's because they were produced by the same people. These guys know how to bullshit a simple mind. I mean look at the robot arm, it's SO big! Pass this one if for some reason you come across it.
Spookies (1986)
A young boy runs away from home because he thinks his family forgot his birthday. He ends up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should. A group of thirty year-olds teenagers are on a road trip and take a wrong turn. They end up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should. Are they all there to spend a night and win a bet? No. Is their host murdered and they suspect each other as they all drop one by one until the mystery is solved? No. Are Vincent Price or Tim Curry involved at all? Possibly. This movie was apparently an excuse to do a lot of puppet work and make-up jobs. All that trouble and it turns out okay, I guess. The blond on the cover does not show until the end and she is fully covered and some one's wife. The movie itself is a lot of, what the fuck is going on? According to the Internet, this film was originally shot as two separate films and then expertly edited together. Some things explode, quips are made, girls get scared and ashy hands come out of the ground. Meh. Sitting through the "teenage" couple dialogue and the supposed plot as a filler every ten minutes between each possessed granny/cat creature starts to wear on your nerves, even if booze are involved.
Robot Ninja (1989)
I probably don't have to explain this one. Robot? Check. Ninja? Check. Comic book artist is given the powers of his creation by a scientist who wants to help him robot ninja kill a gang of local rapists? Fucking check. Anything like it promises to be whatsoever? Uncheck! Uncheck! A shitty struggling comic artist witnesses a couple being killed and the girl half of them getting brutally molested in the parking lot of a bowling alley or video store or something. He feels bad about this. Possibly because he thinks rape and murder are gross. Possibly because he did absolutely nothing at all to help. Either way, a friend of his builds a Shredder/VR Trooper suit for him so he can get the jerks back with some sharp robot ninja revenge. Turns out, though he inadvertently through a series of chain events gets at least one of them killed, he mostly gets his ass beaten, becomes addicted to pills and gets his scientist friend killed eventually. Robot Ninja FAIL!
Thunder Warrior (1983)
A young Italian Native American man returns home to his reservation to find the asshole white locals are building a mall on an ancient native burial ground. Though the land is theirs (all of it) and the tribe has a treaty to prove it, the townsfolk are not letting up. Our hero attempts to peacefully negotiate with a one man sit-in at the police station and instead is met with beatings and racial slurs. The point of the movie is he exacts revenge on these deserving racist hillbillies. The problem is, this revenge takes an hour to start happening. I understand it was the same in First Blood (aka Rambo), but our Italian Stallion Thunder Warrior barely says a word throughout the whole fucking movie. The story is mostly told through the eyes of the somewhat less racist white sheriff who is in fact, not Brian Dennehy! Though some damage is eventually committed with a bow and arrow (obviously), it just takes WAY too painfully long to get there with no actual back story of the main character like, I don't know, a tour in Nam or something? Somehow this movie managed to spawn several sequels with different Italian leads and different sweet covers. Maybe I'll skip to the third one next time.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1985)
This ambitious 80's sci-fi musical (yes, I said sci-fi) starred some actual familiar faces. Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed) and that spunky petite pixie Pia Zadora (stuff). Robot alien things land on Earth in search of "the rock and roll" and instead, find these assholes and their friends dancing on the beach. This movie promises camp and instead delivers awkward boring dance sequences and some of the most painful fake alien dialogue you will ever sit through. I'm not lying. It hurts SO bad. Also, Pia looks like she could be her boyfriend's mom. If she was, at least they would actually have something to sing about. Oh yeah and did I mention Jermaine Jackson as in Michael's older brother is in it? When Jermaine Jackson saves your shitberg of a film, you've got some serious problems. But Jesus, isn't Pia Zadora totally adorable?!?
Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)
Originally released in 3-D, this sci-fi western epic doesn't translate as watchable in two dimensions. I'm not even sure if it was cool when shit flying at the screen actually had a point. After three separate attempts to sit through it, I've never gotten past the first twenty minutes. I hear Bull from Night Court is in it, so it's got that going for it. Understandably, booze are always involved when this thing goes in the ol' VCR/DVD combo, but even the black and white High Noon could keep my drunken attention. Perhaps I'll revisit this review once I actually watch it.
KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)
This one got me less on cover art and more based on the story line. KISS plays a concert at a theme park that unbeknownst to KISS is run by a diabolical mad man that plans on killing everyone with his faulty rides or possibly lasers! KISS must stop this! If fans die, who will pay for their Herpes medication? They've got bills man! What really happens is a couple of average teens hang out with friends and we follow them around, watching part of the KISS concert and stumbling upon the mad park owner's mad park laboratory. It's like a dog-less, weed-less, jankies-less Scooby-Doo episode. The part the KISS participates in, which involves the kicking of the mad park manager with their high heels is amusing, but the hour and a half before that happens is SO goddamn boring! If you must rent this on camp factor or if, God help you, you're a KISS fan, then fast forward to the end. You won't miss anything.
Dead Dudes in the House (1991)
Ah, the best for last. This film was the most egregious of all offenders. Why? Because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on the cover is in the movie. Except maybe a house. There is one of those. So, if you think, as I did, that you're renting a campy flick about Color Me Badd going on a haunted, wacky vacation then you would be so wrong. This piece of shit was brought to us by none other than hit and miss Troma Films. Not a single one of the "dudes" on the cover is in the movie. It is actually a co-ed group of average twenty somethings who are definitely NOT in a band. Pretty much Troma picked up the distribution rights to a boring slasher/haunted house cliche and tried to re-roll the turd in a more agreeable turd cover in order to make money on it. Well, I suppose it worked on some level because I, in fact, did waste my money on this simply due to the ironic 90's packaging. I was so pissed when I watched this thing that I thought about writing some passive aggressive e-mail complaint to Troma about false advertising and how I wanted my five dollars (okay, more like three) back. After I had a nap and ate some pudding though, I felt much better.
It's a ninja challenge Enemaniacs! With Episode 29 we bring you legendary chopsocky B-movie director, Godfrey Ho, 1987's NINJA KILL that involved at least five scenes with ninjas we think! We know this because their headbands labeled them as such. My guests include The Friendly Voices Podcast co-hosts, comedian Adam Firestone and art guy/visionary Barry Blankenship! Expect KFC biscuit shout-outs, a Green Lantern review (sort of) and several apologies. 
For Episode 24, we decide to smash or brains with the Andrew Dice Clay action/adventure/romance turd, 1993's BRAIN SMASHER...A LOVE STORY! My guests for this woman-hating, ball breaking, kung fu fighting episode are comedians and hosts of Delicious Mediocrity, Derek Sheen and Doug Gale! Plus special guest, TEC and Del Med podcast producer, Mark Allender! Expect bad Italian accents, bush jokes, All In The Family impressions and our very first noise complaint ever recorded LIVE! That's right Enemaniacs, the Dice Man has cometh...again.
Quite possibly one of the most random of the awful movies we've seen, it's 1987's MIAMI CONNECTION! It's like The Warriors, but with ninjas, new wave bands, unhappy 40 year old orphans and lots of shitty music. Guests include comedians Seth Lazear, Corbett Cummins and a secret special guest!
Starring Robert "The Face" Z'Dar and an eventual porn star, Samurai Cop is not only one of the best of the worst white person in a martial arts movie, but it's one of the best of the worst all kind of movie of all time! Ridiculously long-haired and tan Matt Hannon plays Joe Marshall, a cop who plays dirty and knows how to swing a sword (if you're picking up what I'm putting down). Not only that stuff, but he is also trained in the "ways of the Samurai" as well as the ways of being an incredibly huge douche. I'm not even sure where to begin with what this movie is about. Basically Joe and his wise-cracking easy going partner are trying to take down a group of criminals run by a king pin whose number one henchman (Z'Dar) is trained "in the ways of the Samurai." There are sped up footage fights, open talks of sex in hospitals, a black man who is threatened to have his "gift" cut off, horrible sets, awful lighting, shitty stunt doubles, obvious wigs on the long-haired hero and more! The dialogue consists of nuggets of wisdom, such as this interaction between Joe and a fellow officer that he is boning. She asks him to come by that night, but he can't so he says to her, "...Keep it warm for me." What the fuck? Joe parades around in black bikini underwear for much of the film and he has a lot of unnecessary slut sex, but eventually woos the good girl somehow. This thing is so amazingly bad, it's definitely one of my favorite all time shitty movies in general. For more examples of its pure beautiful shittiness, check out some clips below!
Of course, this means traversing through 47 other possibly straight-to-video-shelf turds just to find a mediocre movie. For many, finding the dedication for this type of detective work is nearly 
A brilliant genetic researcher is being pressured by the higher ups to come up with results faster on his new project, a serum that reverses aging. Why didn't he just tell them it might be a bit of wait since that isn't fucking possible? Any who, like most brilliant genetic researchers, he decides to inject his own eyeball with the stuff to see if it actually works (even though he watched at least two monkeys die really dead from it already). Turns out it reverses human aging, but increases monster becoming by A LOT. He ends up turning into this pretty heinous soupy goopy thing with yellow eyes that likes to rip off young girls clothes and eat their faces or something. Apparently it works kind of like roids. There's a side story about a girlfriend with kid who understands the man behind the monster, but fails really to make good parenting choices. Point is, cute guy turns into frightening monster and this can only end one way...unless you haven't seen The Fly and in that case you are still optimistic. Check out the VHS tape preview below under the more aggressive title, Regenerator.
Originally titled Night Shadows when it was released theatrically, Mutant is about two dudes (one of which is Wings Hauser, who has one of the best action actor names after Powers Boothe) that go on a road trip that is rudely re-routed by some asshole hillbillies that run them off the road, getting their car stuck in a ditch. From there they walk to a nearby town full of, no surprise, backwoods butt-fuck weirdos that they eventually find out are infected by mutating toxic zombieism, a relatively unknown disease! People die and other half dead people lurch around and walk slowly. All in all, a fairly entertaining hour and a half. There's even a fleeting romance thrown in there for all you lame-os. Mutant mayhem below! 
Which reminds me of the plot, a small Colorado ski resort is rocked to it's small skiing core when several skiers are eaten to death by a mysterious animal. All the townsfolk are sure it's just a bear, I mean come on, they kill people for no reason all the time, right? Just like sharks. Bears are the sharks of the forest or sharks are the bears of the sea, which ever you prefer. Eventually some of the main character people notice a really bad yeti suit and make-up job running around all bloody and gripey. Wait, was it the 
Not unlike a dog and squirrels or "challenged" people and shiny things, I am easily 
I'm not sure why I was pulled in by this one...actually, I know. There is a bald lady getting all stabby with a giant knife on the front! Also, a warning of "too gory for the silver screen"! Also, naked people! According to the back cover, the plot involves a heavy metal musician who sells his soul to a devil lady, I'm sorry, a "succubus" in exchange for getting girls. Sounds awesome, right? Book of lies! In real life, the movie is about a boring dude who likes heavy metal that invites some friends over to his house for a party or something. Oh wait, before they come over his boring guy boner brings forth a devil woman that he dreams about having sex with. Then said average looking succubus in tight clothes goes around the party and starts killing people off. Despite a blow job turning into a dick eating scene (which I saw coming, PUN!), the kills aren't that great. Another missing plot point, the main character guy has a girlfriend so there goes the whole hooking up with chicks thing. Also, you just can't wait for all these assholes at the party to be killed. There is blood and there are boobs, but it's hardly worth it. Dead giveaways this was to be avoided, the shitty tag line, the Elm Street rip-off tie-in and most obvious, note regarding "made-for-video feature film." Like I said, the knife looked shiny! 
This one got me less on cover art and more based on the story line. KISS plays a concert at a theme park that unbeknownst to KISS is run by a diabolical mad man that plans on killing everyone with his faulty rides or possibly lasers! KISS must stop this! If fans die, who will pay for their Herpes medication? They've got bills man! What really happens is a couple of average teens hang out with friends and we follow them around, watching part of the KISS concert and stumbling upon the mad park owner's mad park laboratory. It's like a dog-less, weed-less, jankies-less Scooby-Doo episode. The part the KISS participates in, which involves the kicking of the mad park manager with their high heels is amusing, but the hour and a half before that happens is SO goddamn boring! If you must rent this on camp factor or if, God help you, you're a KISS fan, then fast forward to the end. You won't miss anything.
