First of all, I have to say this movie was exactly what I thought it would be and that, for me, is incredibly high praise as far as shitty movies go. I had hoped it would be as entertainingly bad as I assumed and let me tell you something, it was even shittier and even more entertaining than I could have imagined. Check out the trailer for this turd in all it's golden-haired glory below.
The group looks on as Brell shows them the poster he keeps above his bed.
Not only is the star of the film WWF (at the time) wrestling champ Hulk Hogan, who has never made a bad movie I didn't like, (barring 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain) but the premise of the movie involves Hulk playing a wrestler named Rip "Rip 'Em"TaylorThomas who may appear to be a beefy brute, but beneath all that bleach blond, bronzer and man meat lies a less-tan heart of gold. An evil businessman named Brell (Kurt Fuller) becomes the new owner of a fledgling television network which is vaguely named, World Television Network, and wants Rip wrestlingon his station by any means necessary in order to boost ratings. When Rip tells him no way, in a scene as pure as the driven snow, Brell offers Rip a blank check and threatens him if he doesn't sign with WTN, Rip crumples the check and shoves it down Brell's throat stating:
Rip: "...I won't be around when this check clears!"
Hulk scares the turds out of someone.
Get it? That means when the evil guy poops the paper out in the toilet! Genius! Brell retaliates by sending some goons to hijack Rip's limo and corner him in a warehouse. Rip responds by literally jumping a hole through the roof kicking everyone's ass by throwing them against things. Eventually he is left with just the scared shitless limo driver whom when he yanks him out of the limo, we are shown a giant wet spot on the crying driver's pants. Rip growls and barks a bunch in the driver's face and then this exchange goes down:
Rip:"...What's that smell?" Bawling Limo Driver: "...Doooookiee." Rip: "...Dookie?!?"
Since I think this scene best speaks for itself, check out the literal shittiness below.
When the whole Plan A (aka send skinny guys to beat up a body-builder in cowboy boots) doesn't work, Brell responds by sending in a be-titted mole by the name of Samantha (Joan Severance), who under the guise of being Rip's new boss, half-assedly tries to seduce him by taking him to French restaurants, acting really standoffish and wearing gigantic lacy granny panties to bed once. Awkward accidental touching, really short shorts and Moonlighting-esque sexual tension ensues. Thankfully for Samantha and her unmotivated attempts, she had Rip at not fat with tits and didn't need to do much else.
Hands down, my favorite scene in the film is when Samantha and Rip, who are on a business trip together suddenly find out, WHOOPS, they accidentally booked a hotel room with only one bed. Awkward. Samantha, who is understandably distraught, laments about this while hiding in the bathroom meanwhile our ingenious Rip uses a bed sheet and wrist wrapping tape to create a D.Y.I. barrier between them on the bed. Samantha, playing the part of the coy and uninterested woman, naturally steps out of the bathroom in a lacy bra and pantie set while Rip rivals this with some inappropriate bed wear of his own including a tie dye red tank top and the tiniest red shorts with slits on the side you would ever not want to see on Hulk Hogan. Ever. After some rom-com jests about sticking to "your side of the bed,"Samantha finally falls asleep only to be awoken by Rip shaking the bed while doing push ups in a red thong. AAAHHH!! After she complains, Rip jumps back into bed only to break the bed frame and WHOOPS, send Samantha rolling on top of him. She yells some unnecessary comments about him doing this on purpose and Rip's response is my absolute favorite quote of the movie.
Rip:"...Just forget it! No walls are stronger than the ones you've already built!"
They kind of just look like two Bros singing a song.
Psychoanalyzed by Hulk Hogan in bikini underwear. Does a movie ever get better than that? After Rip falls for her boobs charms, she suddenly feels remorse and can't go through with the plan. Brell retaliates against Samantha by doing the most logical follow up, sending a random thug out to rape her in a parking garage. Don't worry though, because our hero Rip just happens to be stalking her passing by on his Harley, he runs down the would-be rapist and slams him into a tree. I should mention when doing this Rip says:
Rip: "...It's Harley and me and you in the tree!"
God, I love this movie. Since the whole rape fiasco didn't work out, Brell decides instead to start his own wrestling show to court Rip which will be way more hardcore than the pussies on that one wrestling show he's already doing. Brell finds the answer to his prayers when he visits a piss-stained, white trash dive bar whose entertainment involves hillbillies fighting in a ring until one of them doesn't get back up. Brell decides to market this kind of "no-holds-barred" fighting match for his network and gives it the limp-dick title, "Battle of the Titans Tough Guys." Toothless, fat and trashy dudes come from all around to battle in the ring for cash until finally Brell finds his champion, a black male stereotype super tough and violent ex-con by the name of Zeus (Tommy "Tiny" Lister).
Awkward.
Zeus beats the shit out a bunch of fat dudes for awhile, challenging Rip to a match each time. Rip, being the noble greased-up tight pants fighter that he is, respectfully declines, that is until Zeus neck punches Rip's little brother and ring-side cheerleader Randy (some dude) into an a ass-beaten coma of some kind. Though predictable as this plot twist was, what I didn't predict was the moment of sheer ridiculousness of genuine acting our Hulkster would attempt. He visits Randy,who is comatose in the hospital and by his bedside, squeezes his hand and tries his fucking damnedest to squeeze tears of of his eye holes. No, as in, REALLY HARD. He even moans and rubs his brother's hand all over his face. It's embarrassingly awesome. At this point Rip obviously decides to take on Zeus and a massive network showdown ensues.
Soon after, many lost their lives in what became known as the Zeus suit riots.
I don't think I need to give away the obvious outcome, but what you won't expect is the crazy fucking space suit Zeus shows up in. Unfortunately, he doesn't fight in this thing, which is really too bad because I was looked forward to see how that thing moved in the ring. If you like shitty movies and I know you do, you should really check out No Holds Barred. If you aren't convinced yet by what I've said about it already, here are more reasons not previously mentioned that your brain should witness this cinematic monstrosity yourself: Hulk Hogan's wardrobe changes (which include various colors of cowboy boots and spandex pants), the shitty soft rock soundtrack written and sung about characters and situations in the movie, Rip's signature hand signal looks incredibly similar to what's known as "the shocker" and Hulk Hogan cries, speaks French and flies through the roof of a car!!! Okay, a couple of those I already mentioned, but come on! It's worth seeing for the dialogue alone so the rest is just a pile of movie turd bonuses!
Rip's Wardrobe Changes:7 Moments of Palpable Sexual Tension: 6 Skeezy Hogan Smirks: 8 Do-Rags: 4 "The Ripper" aka "The Shocker" Is Flashed: 11 Sports Film Cliches: 9 Dudes Beaten By Zeus: 7 The Caged Little Person Throws Change Into The TV Guys Beer Glass: 3 Rip Defies Gravity: 3 Time Someone Says, "Rip 'Em Rip!": 23 Rip Growls/Grunts: 18 Inappropriately Tight Clothes On Rip: 9 Samantha Falls On Top Of Rip: 2 Hillbillies Make Fun of TV Execs: 10 Samantha Is A Damsel In Distress: 4 Zeus' Lazy Eye Looks At Screen: 4 Poop Is Seen Or Mentioned: 3
Do you remember when you were a kid and sometimes you would peruse the horror movie section just to freak yourself out a bit? In honor of a recent Halloween episode of the Scarecrow Video podcast that discussed this such subject amongst other things, I decided to do my very own list of VHS covers that scared the shit out of me as a kid. Some movies were valid, but many turned out later to be utter shit, either way, a picture is worth a thousand head explosions/female screams sometimes. You can find the Scarecrow Video podcast on their website as well as iTunes.
Happy Birthday to Me (1981)
I think this one is pretty self-explanatory why it freaked me out as a kid. It's a pretty basic fear to be impaled or be killed by having something shoved in her mouth and or face. The kebab itself looks kind of tasty though. The gimmick of this film was to boast that all the kills in it are "bizarre." By today's standards of course, they are pretty tame and boring. Unfortunately I didn't see this one until high school and by then I'd seen a lot worse. The gore is rather good though and the story your basic, is the weird girl the killer premise. The first kill which really should have set the tone for the remainder of the "bizarre murders" of the film is rather tame. A girl gets her throat slashed after being strangled. Either way, it's definitely a fun slasher flick and one I often rent on my own birthday.
It's Alive (1974)
This image has stayed with me all my life. It's not shocking or gory. It's creepiness is subtle and slow burning and it definitely scared the shit out of me as a kid. What's in the basket?!? What IS wrong with the baby?!? What the fuck is up with it's hand?!? Why can't I see this alone?!? The image of the baby carriage turned just away from the viewer which somehow manages to make the mystery of it incredibly menacing has become somewhat iconic. Copied several times by Basket Case sequels, the It's Alive promotional campaign and cover art remains for me one of the greatest uses of subtle demonic imagery that causes the viewer to imagine the absolute worst in whatever their own personal nightmare might be. What's more frightening than that?
A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989)
Speaking of demonic baby carriages, it wasn't so much the mystery of the monster in the basket to me for this one as it was the horrifying photos on the back of the cover. As a kid I had a HUGE phobia of vomiting. This was a result of being puked on at least once in every grade in elementary school as well as having watching The Karen Carpenter Story when I was four. The image of the girl on the back being force fed by Freddy only to have her face explode in vomit was probably for me at the time, the most frightening thing I could ever imagine.
"Rainy days and Mondays always get me down..."
Troll (1986)
You might notice there is a bit of a pattern here when it comes to little things that kill people. Troll was no exception. The movie itself is rather tame. The original Troll makeup is kind of creepy, but the storyline is actually somewhat kid appropriate. In fact, there are conspiracy theories that J.K. Rowling stole many of the elements for her Harry Potter novels from this film such as the main boy being named Harry Potter who must learn ancient magic from the secret sorceress who is living in his apartment building in order to battle the evil Troll and his magical ring. Who knows. The movie is somewhat entertaining and definitely a lot lighter fare than the menacing Troll on the cover would suggest.
Night of the Demons (1988)
It's kind of too bad that this video cover scared the shit out of me as a kid just because when I actually saw the film later when in high school, it became one of my favorite horror movies of all time. The story is your basic teenage haunted house party goes awry when demons start possessing people and killing them, but there are some great elements that make this movie a stand out in the genre. The characters are fairly memorable, including a fat guy named Stooge with a surfer accent and painted fades in his hair that calls every girl "babe" and is just trying to party. Night of the Demons also began my love affair with B-movie goddess, Linnea Quigley. Anyhow, definitely check out this film. The demon make up is great, there are plenty of tits and one-liners and Linnea Quigley sticks a tube of lipstick into her nipple while possessed by a demon. All that aside, the cover is still fucking creepy, right?
The Howling (1981)
Although I consider this film to now be one of my favorite horror movies, I wasn't able to watch it fully until my twenties. Most of my life I have had an incredible fear of werewolves. I think it stems from a general sense of germaphobia. Either way, the transformation scenes and werewolf makeup in this film actually scared the shit out of me until adulthood. I'll be honest, while googling the VHS cover for the movie, I did get a little uncomfortable looking at all the werewolf pictures. I'm a pussy okay, I'll admit it, but you have to admit this cover is ingeniously horrifying. Especially if you happen to be an impressionable little fat kid who is scared shitless of werewolves.
The Blob (1988)
The video cover for the 1988 remake of The Blob, BY FAR, frightened me more than any other horror movie cover as a kid. In fact, I had a hard time going to my local video store when this display was up for a few months. The movie isn't too scary, but is far superior to the original and the special effects really hold up to this day. The acting is a little shitty, but this is definitely made up for by all of the intense and horrifying kills committed by the pink blob ooze. This movie is a must see for any horror fan. Look at this cover though! What the fuck! It still creeps me out a little to this day! Genius!
It’s Episode 12 of the podcast and frankly, I’m worried. Not really about the episode, but about ever having children. The movie chosen for this episode is 1981’sThe Pit which can also be known as 1981’s birth control. It’s cheaper and it won’t cause cancer. The Pit tells the story of little fucked up 12 year-old Jamie, who is an odd child that is teased and tormented by his classmates and as a result, he creates an evil voice in his head for his teddy bear, becomes incredibly perverted and luckily for him, just happens to discover a pit filled with ancient meat-eating monsters he calls Trolologs. Initially stealing money and buying meat to toss into the pit, he eventually begins tossing people he thinks deserve to be eaten alive. During this time he is watched for the summer by an attractive babysitter who decides to never wear a bra. Uncomfortable boners ensue. Unfortunately the trailer is not available online, so instead enjoy the wacky/creepy clip below. There is an even creepier clip available online, but I thought I'd let you make that choice on your own. If you want to check out pervy Jamie in all his perverted glory, click here.
Along on this journey through violent puberty and child psychology, are returning guests, comedian Emmett Montgomery and artist/illustrator Carina Simmons as well as BRAND NEW guest, comedian David TV! We discuss our own awkward childhoods, the origins ofDavid’s last name, the psychology of Emmett Montgomery and of course our over all disturbing group experience that was The Pit! Listen to our group therapy session after this movie below!
All Hallow's Weiner is nearly upon us and to celebrate, I decided to compile a list of some of my favorite horror movies that are not only underrated, but may actually scare you. Not only that, but you they will most likely not be rented out of your local video store such as your more common horror fare around Halloween season. Listen, going out to the movies is expensive. Especially if you were planning on paying the five extra dollars to see your shitty movie in 3-D. So how about instead you save some pocket change, avoid social interaction, relax at home and curl up with a bowl of candy and a good horror movie on cassette with your video home system! That's what Halloween is all about!
The Dead Next Door (1988)
Perhaps one of the most underrated zombie movies of all time, The Dead Next Door is an independent, low-budget, small town, post-zombie apocalypse tale about an "elite" group of soldiers known as "The Zombie Squad" who have been enlisted by the United States government to seek and destroy any and all zombies they come across. Squad members not only have to drive around their Midwestern town and shoot mindless zombies all day, they also have to deal with the a religious cult who consider zombism a higher form of existence and are out to protect the zombies, sort of. Kind of like a misguided zombie PETA. Turns out though, the cult is really hiding a huge secret (religion and secrets? Blasphemy!) and the real reason the cult leader is attempting to save zombies is to capture them and perform tests on them in order to save his son who is secretly zombified. At some point in the film, one of the squad members is infected and the "Doc" back at government headquarters injects him with an experimental cure. All it achieves is to accelerate the zombification process and leave the infected guy completely lucid, which is pretty torturous considering he is slowly rotting and is forced to eat people's brain meat.
Made on an extremely low budget, filmed entirely in Akron, Ohio and financed with royalties from Evil Dead 2 by Sam Raimi himself, The Dead Next Door is one of my personal favorites. Many of the characters names are homages to horror kingpins with last names like Savini, Carpenter, Raimi and Romero. Even Bruce Campbell dubs the voices for two of the characters. This film isn't necessarily scary, but because it's so extremely low budget, the dialogue is mostly dubbed and many of the scenes are horribly lit and very dark. This works to enhance a lot of the zombie makeup and adds sort of a shadowy mystery to the atmosphere of the movie. It scared the shit out of me as a kid, especially the low-grade gore, but it's more creepy and unsettling now instead of scary. Check out the carnage below.
Bad Moon (1996)
Based off a novel entitled Thor and written and directed by the writer of the vampire film Near Dark, Bad Moon has to be, and I'm absolutely sure of this, THE MOST underrated werewolf film of ALL TIME, SPOILERS to follow. Basically it surrounds the story a photo journalist Ted, played by Michael Pare (Eddie and the Cruisers, Streets of Fire) who while on a expedition with his girlfriend in Nepal is attacked (in the middle of a graphic sex scene) by a cock-blocking werewolf. His girlfriend is killed and he is scarred, but survives. He then decides to take his inevitable curse with him to live in a van trailer by a river in the woods of Oregon near his older sister, a single mother Janet (Mariel Hemmingway) who is a tough-talking lawyer and lives with her cherubic son Dennis the Menace Brett (Mason Gamble) and their well-trained overprotective family dog, a German Shepard named Thor. In congruent with the original novel, neither of these people are the main character, but rather most of the story, after the initial opening in Nepal, is told through the point of view of Thor.
Janet invites Ted to move his trailer onto her property to be closer to the family after she learns of his devastating loss in Nepal. After much reluctance, he agrees. The minute Uncle Ted arrives at their home, Thor senses something off about him and begins watching him closely. One night Ted leaves his trailer to enter the woods and Thor follows him. What Thor eventually sees, is Ted chaining himself to a large tree and turning into a pretty frightening looking werewolf. After this, Thor tries in the best way he can to warn his family by attacking Ted every time he comes near them, pissing on his feet and refusing to leave the spot from his watch of the front door of Ted's trailer.
In order to get rid of Thor, Ted frames him for the murders he has been committing in were-form and Thor is sent off to a dog pound to be euthanized. Don't worry though, Brett knows this is all bullshit and sneaks out at night to help Thor escape. Just in time too because stupid-ass Janet had just decided to go check out what all the racket in the woods was. A full-on German Shepard vs. werewolf battle ensues and it sounds cheesy, but the fact that at this point you're sort of attached to this dog and seeing things through his prospective, you can't wait until he saves the family and kicks Uncle Ted's ass. I absolutely LOVE this movie and not only because I found the story interesting and unique for a were-wolf tale, but also because the werewolf suit in it is totally legit and actually looks frightening in action. If you like werewolf films, especially ones sans CGI effects, Bad Moon is a MUST see. The trailer doesn't really do this film justice, but feel free to watch it below.
The Beast Within (1982)
I remember attempting to watch this movie as a young kid, probably around 8 years old. Because I'm a germaphobe, I've always been easily scared by movies involving parasites or possession of any kind. I'll be honest, I never made it through the entire first two viewings of this film. The first time because I got way too freaked out and the second time was due to the fact my mom turned it off, but when I got older and no one was around to cock-block horrifying beast-rape scenes, I was able to finish the film. If I didn't already give it away, this movie is largely about beast-rape. A couple on their honeymoon driving through a sleepy Southern town in Mississippi are stranded when they're car gets a flat tire. The husband leaves his attractive wife alone at night on a deserted road in the South so he can go alone to the nearest town to find help. Not surprisingly, she is attacked and raped, but the surprising part is her rapist, who you never fully see on camera, is not a creepy toothless redneck, but a hulking mindless monster beast of some kind. The rape scene is not entirely graphic, she is basically attacked and knocked unconscious by claws and dinosaur roars and while lying on the ground has her dress ripped off and is suddenly oddly moving in a up and down motion. Still pretty bad and a little too brutal for an 8 year-old I suppose. Her husband returns to find her naked, bloody and unconscious and rushes her to the police car he arrived in.
Cut to 17 years later and turns out they have a massive memory haunting them every day of that rape, a 17 year-old son named Michael. Michael becomes ill with a mysterious and possible fatal disease, so his parents decide they must return to that town in Mississippi in hopes of locating his biological father/mother's rapist whose genetic makeup may be the key to saving their son. What happens from there are two basic story lines, the investigation of Michael's parents in determining exactly who or what is his father and Michael's story after he breaks out of the hospital and heads to Mississippi on his own and begins to transform into the beast that made him.
Although this film is considered campy by some, I've always found the gory effects rather gruesome and the overall acting abilities of everyone cast in the film helps to actually engage you into the storyline. The story itself is rather disturbing I think and rape scenes included, this one may still be able to shock a first time viewer. Michael'sWTF transformation scene alone, although lengthy, is still rather effective and pretty nasty. If you're a straight dude, this might not be the kind of movie you would want to pop in to impress a lady friend, but I still highly recommend it. Check out the awesomely gimmicky trailer below.
Don't Be Afraid Of the Dark (1973)
Originally released as a made-for-television film in 1973, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is surprisingly incredibly unnerving. The storyline involves a young couple who inherit an old mansion from the wife's dead grandmother. The husband, Alex, is a successful architect while his wife Sally resigns from her career to become a house wife and caretaker of their large estate. The film opens with whispering demonic voices and a shot of the house before we are ever introduced to the main characters. This kind of gives us an idea that shit is going to go wrong from then on and it does. Sally finds an old den that has been boarded up and the fireplace sealed with an iron door. She asks the handyman to clear it out so she can turn the room into an office with a usable fireplace. The handyman, who has been working at the house for generations, flat out refuses and tells her to stop sticking her nose in places it doesn't belong. Naturally, Sally defies this and on her own unbolts the door. After this occurs, Sally experiences all sorts of strange phenomenon in the house, such as voices and sees little demonic creatures following her around and haunting her in attempt to take her as one of them. Alex thinks she is going crazy and does not believe anything she tells him about the little creatures.
Eventually people start dying and the lights rarely come back on. I don't want to give much more away at this point. You should absolutely WATCH this movie. The concept sounds cliche and the characters cheesy, but trust me, you will be surprised at how creepy this movie is and how it's able to get under her skin so effectively without the use of gory special effects or shock value. Apparently this film has been remade by Guillermo del Toro (The Devil's Backbone, Blade) for release in 2011. Until that creepfest comes out, make sure to check out the still pretty frightening original. Try to ignore the cheesy narrator and music in the trailer below. It's a pretty piss poor representation of the film.
What every buddy cop movie is missing is just a little touch of magic. Thankfully, the wise people who invested into this turd, decided that was fact. I give you 1990's A Gnome Named Gnorm (originally titled Upworld) starring Anthony Michael Hall, Robert "The Face" Z'Dar, Lenny BriscoeJerry Orbach, plus some pupeteers and possible costumed little people.
As previously stated, I can't pass up something brightly colored for a dollar. Especially if that something happens to be a brightly colored, VHS tape with shark attacks, man boobs or large font on the front, because honestly, the size of the font matters (wah, wah). Anyhow...now as a regular installment on TEC, I give you different movies from my film collection that people wonder how and why the fuck I own! Prepared to be AMAZED with ACTUAL photos of ACTUAL things I ACTUALLY spent a dollar (sometimes up to $3) on! Though that title is catchy, to avoid hurting my crooked frail lady pinkies with all those CAPS, let's just call this one...The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library.
I Am Not a Freak(1987)
I confess. I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle! I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it! I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it, is in fact, a freak! Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat. Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or choices, shut up fat lady!). It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by Robin Williams in the classic, Jack). Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay!
Also, a two-headed man, a man suffering from grape-faceElephantiasis and the aforementioned lazy asshole600 pound woman! The best part of this film is the opening in which the narrator, possibly from those starving children in not America commercials, properly warns the viewer of the shocking FREAKS they are about to see. Wait, are they or aren't they? If you can find this somewhere, I say watch and judge for yourself. Plus, in the comfort of your own home, no one can judge you for judging the disabled.
