Unfortunately, scenes of inter-species conquest are not always held prisoner to curtained-off rooms of your local video store. In fact, some of these tacky tales of forbidden love find their way on the big screen to be enjoyed by audiences for at least the opening weekend. So, in honor of that blue-filtered image of Gary Busey mounting a shrieking Vanity that will forever
's top five commercial B-movies with bestiality themes that do not include rape or coconuts. For the most part anyway. No animals were harmed in the making of these shitty films. I can't promise as much for the actors involved.
I feel hard pressed placing this film under the title of "B-movie" since it stars some of the greatest thespians of our generation, Brendan "So Fraise and so clean" Fraiser, Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin and Pauley Shore (limp Jew-fro in tact), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong anywhere else. Encino man is about two high school senior class (allegedly) losers, Dave (Sean Astin) and Stoney (Pauley Shore) who are digging a pool in Dave's backyard and unearth a Cro-magnon man, fully in tact, organs and all, encased in block of ice. Dave, who longs for the popularity that is enjoyed by Dom DeLuise's nephew and Rose McGowan at his So-Cal High School in Encino decides to defrost the caveman and take it on Letterman so he can get prom king votes. I'm pretty sure this is how the social casting system works. What they didn't expect was for the caveman (enter Brendan Frasier) to thaw and turn out to be an apish party dude who just wants to chill, bra! The guys pretend he's a foreign exchange student from Estonia named Link and try to teach him how to be "normal" or at least not eat flies and throw women over his shoulder to take off somewhere to rape mate with. Hey asshole, welcome to the 90's! We've come along way since the Cro-magnon era. We can even vote now!
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| So this is how white people get dreads. |
Anyhow, I do find there to be a questionable subtle bestiality tone to this movie. No one has sex in the movie, or at least on screen anyway, but all the girls in school want the bone the "new guy" and bone him bad. The reason I find this to be questionably illegal is, isn't this guy still in the slow process of evolution? At this point, he's more monkey than man, right? He definitely acts like a monkey, he even invents a dance at the prom in the end they call "the monkey." Therefore, I deem sexual transgressions with this dude to be inter-species coitus. Actually, I consider it to be the same case if you want to bone
Brendan Frasier as well.
4. Walk Like A Man (1987)
Howie Mandel, with a full head of hair, plays Bobo Shand, a man raised by wolves who is discovered by "beautiful" wildlife behaviourist Penny (Amy Steel), yes those people are always attractive, and returned to his millionaire family where he is set to inherit a fortune. Only problem is, a collision course to wackiness ensues when Bobo is somehow unable to adapt to high society and would rather sniff snooty old ladies butts, lap up champagne from the flute and eat with the dogs! Oh those wolf foster parents! They didn't even bother to teach Bobo any manners. They must have just been in it for the government check. Also, his greedy brother played by Christopher Lloyd wants the inheritance all to himself and plans to neuter poor Bobo, permanently! Or wait...he plans to put him to sleep, permanently! Or, never mind the metaphor. He just wants to kill him.
The bestiality aspect of the storyline involves the animal behaviourist, Penny, who dedicates all her time in teaching Bobo how to act like a real man. You know, speak some sort of human language and walk on two legs and stuff, but in the course of their teaching, she predictably starts to fall for Bobo and eventually they end up together. Before the true love happens, there is a lot of sniffing and awkward sexual tension between Bobo and Penny. I know that Bobo is technically a dude, but he still walks on all fours, barks and chases cats. The fact that she found this arousing endearing from the get go is already a little creeper to me.
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| "Be a good dog Bobo and sit and stay while we watch Sex & The City." |
Even when he's able to walk upright in a Hawaiian shirt and shop at a mall like every other civilized human being, he still howls and scratches himself. Why the hell is this woman so desperate? Also, all the courting involves dog-like behavior on his part. I know it's not real bestiality, but he's just as stupid as a dog. If she was one of those creepy old rich ladies that slathered peanut butter on her bush and told Bobo to come lap it up, he would and now it's considered foreplay. Those ladies (do you hear me Joan Collins?) need to get themselves some wolf-raised dudes. Is it possible Penny had a thing for dogs before meeting Bobo, but couldn't bring herself to express it because you know, it's a social taboo and really illegal, thankfully? It's like if you are secretly into children and date a proportional little person to be able to not only express your dirty fetish outwardly, but also seem like a really open-minded and non-judgemental person will doing so. Maybe I'm reading more into this than I should. Either way, Penny, I know what you're doing girl and you nasty!
3. Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)
Though this film was originally intended to be released as Creepshow 3, I think fans of the television series would agree that it holds up well to the original television series, although I really missed the opening title sequence which is by far the best thing about TFTDS. An anthology movie including three short horror stories told by Joey Lawrence's little brother while he attempts to distract Debbie Harry as she prepares to cook him, TFTDS is sort of hard to fit in the B-movie genre since it's got great production value, special effects and Rae Dawn Chong. Since the movie itself has been largely panned by critics, had a smaller budget than most Hollywood horror movies and failed at the box office, I'm going to go ahead and refer to this one as such.
The questionable animal/human bonerizing tale in question is the third in the film, titled "Lover's Vow." It tells the tale of Preston (James Remar), a brooding artist living in New York City who just can't seem to sell enough of this shitty art pieces in order to pay his bills (a rarity I'm sure). One night while leaving through the alley exit after closing time at his local watering hole, he witnesses a gargoyle looking thing that viciously murders a friend of his. The gargoyle approaches him and he begs to be spared. The creature says that his life will be spared if he promises not to reveal to ANYONE what he saw. Preston swears and the monster lets him ago.
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| "What are you starring at? Is there something in my teeth?" |
As he rushes back to his apartment on the dark streets alone, he encounters Carola (RAE DAWN MOTHERFUCKING CHONG, DOG!) who he freaks out about her walking alone. She's not sure what his damage is and he can't really tell her, but he convinces her to come up to his apartment since she has no where to stay. WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! Fast forward ten years and Preston has become a successful artist once again, inspired by the love of his life Carola, who by now is his wife and mother of his two young children. Although everything in their lives seems perfect, Preston is still haunted by the night they met and has been wrestling with whether or not he should tell Carola the truth. On their ten year anniversary, he decides to tell her what he saw and even shows her a sculpture of the gargoyle thing he's been working on for several years. Understandably, she freaks out, but not for the reasons you think. She starts screaming, "...you promised you wouldn't tell" and her voice gets really demony. Then she begins to transform into the gargoyle creature, which is pretty gross and awesome. Preston starts begins crying and his two small children run out from their room. Suddenly they are creepy gargoyle creatures as well. The Carola creature and Preston share some weepy "I love yous" and she promptly rips out his jugular vein.
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| A murderous monster, but her ethnicity seemed so harmless. |
Here's the rub for me. So, this whole time, he's been technically screwing a gargoyle in human hide. Is a gargoyle a kind of animal? It has wings and horns and apparently has a vagina so I'm going to categorize it as such. What do you think ran through Preston's mind when Rae Dawn starting stripping off all her lady skin and revealed herself to be this butt-ugly winged monster underneath? I guarantee his first thought had to be, "...this is who I've really been boning this whole time?" Of course before he could really get into the more introspective meaning behind their inter-species escapades, he's murdered which is probably better for everybody in the end. Those kids would just have grown up to they themselves subjecting poor unbeknownst human to their bi-gargoyle charms. We could have had a whole race of secret gargoyles on our hands. It would have been like V for real! Is this starting to sound racist?
2. Sleepwalkers (1992)
This is where things start getting more literal. 1992's Sleepwalkers is a lower budget Hollywood film based off a story by horror author Stephen King that involves a supposed teenage boy, Charles (Brian Krause) and his eerily young in appearance mother that move to a small town. Charles immediately crushes on a local girl named Tanya and begins pursuing her. He seems all blonde and sweet and first, but after agreeing to a date, Tanya quickly realizes that Charles is actually a cat-like monster who needs to kidnap her so his mom, also a cat-like monster, can consume her virginal essence (whatever that is, wink).
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| "I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda." |
There is the obvious implication of the cat/human on human intimacy that happens, but the real WTF moment of this movie (besides Stephen King's random cameo) is the scene of Charles and his mother doing it. Yes, it's got incest and beastiality wrapped into one fucked up cat-like burrito! In the scene where Charles and his mom are rolling all over eachother, the camera pans to the mirror which not only shows them naked and possibly boning, but shows them in their full cat-beast form. It's pretty awesome gross, or at least I remembered it being as much as a kid. The predicatable twist of this one is that the "sleepwalkers" or cat beasts are only vunerable to the scratch of a domestic house cat. Stephen King really seems to love him some cats. Oh Stephen, you sure are a crazy old cat lady in a not very convincing disguise! Eventually all the town's local kitty population forms a cat mob and pounce on the cat beats' house. I'm not sure what the deal with the cats are or at least I don't really remember. Maybe they just want to stop all this unnecessary inter-species breeding. Is this starting to sound racist?
1. Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
As far as animals raping humans goes, you don't get much more graphic than Roger Corman's Humanoids From the Deep. In fact, Tanya's Island also came out the same year from Canada. Perhaps it was Canada's response to the new craze in animal rape films. Not sure. Either way, Humanoids does it better and by better I mean it's so ridiculous and over the top camp, it's not trying to get political or send a message except maybe to keep our oceans clean which I can totally stand behind. Humanoids is about a small beachside town which is reaked havoc upon by scientic experiments with fish and human DNA somehow gone awry. The fish monsters begin to invade the town to kill the men and rape the hot ladies. It's kind of like the Spanish conquests of Mexico, but you know, with no financial benefit in the end.
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| "Shh Jenny, it's me Nemo." |
I don't think I need to go into detail as to why this is implied beastiality and by implied I mean, it's not real since the fish men rapists are really fully covered stunt guys in fish suits. Humanoids does what Tanya's Island didn't as far as animal rape scenes goes, it makes fun of itself. There's a parade in the town at some point to crown the Miss Salmon of the year that is disrupted by the murderous/rapey fish guys. It'a awesome. Okay, the rapey parts are a little queasy, but it's just so ridiculous, in fact there are times the models actresses being fish ravaged appear to be holding back laughter. This is what B-movies are all about. Especially if they're going to approach such heavy hitting social taboo material such as fish rape. Someone's got to put this out in the public sphere for dialogue and only Roger Corman could do so with both grace and humor. Plus a lot of bush and boobs.
Okay you guys, like totally bag the noise and get ready for Episode 45, with 1983's video arcade sex comedy, JOYSTICKS, starring Uncle Rico, hot dogs, an actress from Surf II and JO DON BAKER! My guests this episode include my friends and fellow members of my comedy group, Children of the Atom, CORBETT CUMMINS and SCOTT LOSSE! Expect really lame impressions, a shout out to Designing Women, remembering Eco the Dolphin, the secret recipe for Dom DeLuise's spicy chipotle mayonnaise and the phrase "sweet co*k" A LOT.
Well, this one is going to be uncomfortable. For Episode 44, we filled
our brains with life lessons about sexual identity and milk thanks to
1986's wacky gender mix-up comedy, SOMETHING SPECIAL (aka WILLY/MILLY)!
Little tomboy Milly buys some special wishing powder and under a full
moon instead of wishing for her period (like a good little girl) she
wishes for a wiener! Whoops! What's a girl to do? Here to help me sort
out this metaphorical mess are brand new guests, comedians, RICK TAYLOR and JENNIFER BURDETTE!
Expect trips to a Las Vegas Margaritaville, mojito lube references,
vagina nicknames, Patty Duke, true hot tub confessions and rapping about
white boys in wheelchairs!
Episode 42 is filled with thrills, spills and...cheese puffs! We watched the shit out of 1985's GRUNT! THE WRESTLING MOVIE, a mockumentary about wrestler Mad Dog DeCurso (Magic Schwarz), the head pop heard 'round the world and a masked maniac! Our wrestploitation turd stars actual wrestlers, made up wrestlers, poodles and Rebecca De Mornay's dad! My guests/fellow beer drinkers are comedians and wrestling "experts" JASON GOAD and OWEN STRAW! Expect straight up RAW conversations about X-Men, Conan commentary, natural cheese, insider wrestling nerd outs and an actual on air chair break!
It's a brand new snowed in, claustrophobic, wine soaked episode of TEC, where in the spirit of the current Seattle snow storm, Producer Mark (aka Mark Allender) and myself decided to have our very own special episode to kill the time alone with each other! The shitty movie on deck for the night is appropriately, 1991's COOL AS ICE starring Vanilla Ice and other people! Prepare to hear several racist black-cents, the loss of teenaged innocence, a genuine moment of horror and another one of my unnecessary stories in over sharing!
For the last Christmas episode of 2011, our shitty movie of the evening was double the fun since it was a shitty rip-off of another shitty movie! It's the 1998 lowest budget version of almost every Christmas movie ever made, the straight to DVD non-heart-warming holiday masterpiece, DEAR SANTA starring Santa's Village of Sacramento, CA and the scripts of The Santa Clause, one of the versions of A Christmas Carol and A Christmas Story, respectively. My guests for this episode include comedians, ROSALIE GALE and JESSICA STRAUSS! Expect holiday music, owl rapping and I pose the eternal would you rather question, peanut butter or penis?
For Episode 24, we decide to smash or brains with the Andrew Dice Clay action/adventure/romance turd, 1993's BRAIN SMASHER...A LOVE STORY! My guests for this woman-hating, ball breaking, kung fu fighting episode are comedians and hosts of Delicious Mediocrity, Derek Sheen and Doug Gale! Plus special guest, TEC and Del Med podcast producer, Mark Allender! Expect bad Italian accents, bush jokes, All In The Family impressions and our very first noise complaint ever recorded LIVE! That's right Enemaniacs, the Dice Man has cometh...again.
