For Episode 43 we heartily enjoyed on recommendation of previous guest, artist MARC PALM, a bizarre chopsocke karatesploitation buddy cop crime thriller from 1985 involving actual martial arts master, Tadashi Yamashita, a really racist pimp, hijinks and wackiness, SWORD OF HEAVEN! My guests for this thrill ride include TEC pioneers, filmmakers and humorists, KEVIN CLARKE and TRAVIS VOGT! Expect conversations about masonry, babies as canon fodder, dick nicknames that will inherit Downton Abbey and another amazing rap battle concerning puzzles and drugs!
First of all, we need to have a moment of silence for hip hop legend,Heavy D. Then you should listen to Episode 35 where guest comedians, DAN DUARTE and DEVIN BADOO and I sat through horror/heavy metal film BLACK ROSES from 1988 about demons posing as a rock band to steal teenage small town souls starring denim and mustaches! Expect several tributes to Heavy D, conversations on Nutter Butters, raps about demons and serious amounts of insensitivity regarding obesity! Yay!
Throughout the years, minor to major celebrities have sometimes confused themselves for role models. Others just have really expensive rent to pay. When one or both of these situations collide, the world is gifted with what is known as the "Celebrity Public Service Announcement" video. These usually consist of television stars, movie stars, musicians, professional athletes and some times even cartoon characters teaching kids about a range of important lessons including staying in school, avoiding drug addiction and how to properly french braid their hair. You know, for those times when Dad is too uncomfortable talking to his kids about AIDS, so Paula Abdul and Kirk Cameron lend a hand by rapping about it to them on tape.
Possibly poignant at the time they were conceived (but probably still awkward to watch), these gems of wisdom, cheesy religious-ridden and often hypocritical forms of celebrity advice along with now dated questionable fashion choices are thankfully forever preserved on video cassette. So next time you reach a touchy subject you're supposed to talk to your kids about, but have better shit to do, pop in one of these turds and the job is done, interaction with your own child not required! Get prepared to learn a thing or two about a thing or two Enemaniacs, it's the Top Ten Best Shitty Celebrity PSAs!
10. When Mom and Dad Break Up (1987)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S):Alan Thicke, Orko
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT:Divorce
Mostly known as the Dad from every body's favorite family fun sitcom, Growing Pains and the host of the 90's game-show Pictionary, Jason SeaverAlan Thicke uses his trusting demeanor and calming sweaters to talk your kids down from the shit storm that is divorce. Not only does he have his radio voice and a boring set to aid him in being the bearer of bad news, but also a cartoon co-host in the form of Orko, the weird-faced wizard thing from He-man. RANDOM. Sing-song happens, feelings are shared and a very thought-provoking balloon metaphor is used. Also, freckles make a cameo. Come on, who better to explain that you still love your children and just hate their gene pool rather than a former game show host that's been married three times and a cartoon wizard with no mouth or legs? Just remember kids, we've got eachother, sharing the laughter of loooove...except with your Mom. She is a total cunt. Check out a clip from the beginning below.
9. Straight At Ya (circa 1980's)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S): Kirk Cameron, cartoons
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT: Drugs
Speaking of Growing Pains, not to be outdone by his T.V. Dad, 80's heartthrob turned closeted gay evangelical Christian Mike SeaverKirk Cameronhas a PSA of his own. No, it's not about how evolution is a silly billy fairy tale (although I'm sure that exists), it's about drugs and how doing them ain't cool dude. In this short video, Kirk is in a classroom with a bunch of junior high kids who are being forced to watch an out-of-date video about the dangers of drug use. Kirk decides this is a grip of bullshit and interrupts the video to do some real-talk. How ironic that this scenario might happen now if someone put this video on and a guy from Gossip Girl was in the room. This could be a never-ending saga like a painting of someone painting a painting or something! Anyhow, with the help of some straight talk and cartoons one in awhile, Kirk attempts to turn kids away from dope and instead reach for the stars. Or else they will all burn in hell. I'm pretty sure that's how it ends. There is no footage of this online for some reason, but check out a short quasi-related PSA below.
8. How Can I Tell If I'm Really In Love?: Straight Talk For Teenagers About Dating and Intimacy (1987)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S): Justine & Jason Bateman, Ted Danson
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT: Teenaged sex and dating
Do you ever worry your kids are totally boning other kids? Not only that, but they might be doing it for really retarded reasons like they think they're in love? Thankfully, you're not alone. A whole butt-load of parents unable to communicate worried about this and in response to the huge demand for this information to be made public on video cassette with your teenager's peer group finally having a forum to speak the unspeakable, this happened.Justine Bateman, the boner-inducing cast member from Family Tiesand her equally boner-inducing real-life brother (AWKWARD) and star of the lesser hitHogan's Family, Jason Bateman host this video designed to help your kids understand what intercourse and feelings are about. Just in case your kids get creeped out at the experience of brother and sister discussing sex in front of each other, they throw Ted Danson, star of Cheers into the mix just to add that necessary cringe-worthy feeling you get when your dad says penis or vagina. If you're already bored, don't worry, because there are also a slew of acne-ridden obnoxious teenage assholes that suck a dick at acting share their questions and thoughts on the subject too. Throw in a creepy easy listening soundtrack, some random-ass clip art flying at the screen andTed Danson uttering the line,"...Don't worry, I'll pull out..."and you've got yourself some sex-ed kids can finally relate to! But seriously guys, what's the deal with french-kissing and why are boys soooo weeeird! In case you can't wait to feel uncomfortable, this gem is available in parts onYouTube. Check out the first part below.
7. Time Out: The Truth About HIV, AIDS and You (1992)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S): Arsenio Hall, Magic Johnson, Sinbad, Malcolm Jamal Warner, Paula Abdul, Color Me Badd, People from Beverly Hills: 90210 and MORE!
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT: HIV, AIDS and You
There used to be a time when everyone was pretty sure you could get AIDS from a toilet seat. It was a dark time in our culture when everyone was scared of HIV/AIDS, famous people like Easy EandTerrence Trent Darby were dropping off like flies from the disease and no one knew what to do. Then one day, 90's talk show host and Dog Pound owner, Arsenio Hall asked shitty comedian Sinbad to put on a condom costume and Vanilla Ice to write a rap about safe sex and everything changed. Thanks toTIME OUT, Color Me Badddid something other than whatever they did then. Also, Arsenioand friends taught kids some shit about AIDS. Also, it was presented in a totally hip way so as not to bore kids when discussing wearing "jimmy-hats" over their "johnsons" and stuff.Paula Abdul dancing about wearing condoms aside, I have to applaud celebrities for talking about AIDS at the time since it was still a pretty taboo subject. Thankfully, in a time when the AIDS epidemic carried a rather homo-phobic and classicist stigma, some well-respected hetero and rich public figures fucked around and got it so we could care learn more about it. Thank youMagic Johnson's Johnson. Because of your decision to rawdog it to a hooker, homophobe idiots can't keep referring to AIDS as a "gay plague." Also, remember whenPaula Abdul could open her jaw all the way when she talked? That was pretty cool.
6. Cartoon All-stars to the Rescue (1990)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S): A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, The Muppet Babies, A.L.F., Alvin and the Chipmunks, The Smurfs, Bugs Bunny, Winnie the Pooh and MORE!
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT: Drugs
Financed by McDonalds, this animated anti-drug special starts with the mystery of a little girl whose piggy bank is stolen. A gaggle of Saturday morning cartoon characters jump out of comic books, records and electric devices in order to secretly help the little girl to retrieve it, only to find out it was swiped by her drug-addicted older brother who is massively feigning for some more weed. I know. Heavy stuff. The characters follow him to the arcade where he scores some crack (natural progresssion of things) and then attempt to scare him straight with the help of fun-house mirrors, roller-coaster metaphors and a skateboarding accident all the while competing with aJames Woodesquepurple drug cloud that encourages him to do more drugs. Here's the rub though, without drugs, would this kid have seen these cartoons and excepted their existence to help talk him out of doing them in the first place? The entire thing is available in part onYouTube, but I suggest you take a taste of part 1 below before deciding to do so under the influence.
Fresh off of the first of what would become his FIFTEEN stints in rehab, 80's teen star Corey Haim's agent or some other asshole commissioned this straight-to-video short "day-in-life" turd to try and re-capture his initial wholesome image/convince his horny fans he wasn't a fucked-up crack head. Unfortunately, all the tennis playing and fancy car driving in the world couldn't cover up the sadly obvious high-as-shit monologues by the late actor scattered throughout. Although this video was technically released a a self-promotional short documentary, it's truly one of the best anti-drug PSAs ever made. R.I.P. Corey Haim.
4. Angela Lansbury's Positve Moves: A Personal Plan For Fitness and Well-Being at any Age (1990)
ADVICE GIVER(S):Angela Lansbury
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT:Fitness, Dieting and Lifestyles of Old People
Technically this is considered a work-out video of some sort, but I'm adding it to this list for three reasons. One, Angela Lansbury despenses advice taken from her own life experiences about diet, excercise, beauty, self-esteem/awareness, sexuality and old people hobbies. Two, the workout bits mostly consist of stretching and prancing about. Three, this video is incredibly charming. Even when Angela is rubbing lotion onto her old people legs (more like Boner She Wrote, right you guys?) or thrusting her old lady pelvis in the air while wearing a jump suit tight enough that she has camel toe, it's a very British, sophisticated and charming camel toe. Angela is as adorable as that little chubby teapot she plays in Beauty and they Beast, but you know, without all the unsightly fat.
3. Shattered: If Your Kid's On Drugs (1984)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S): Burt Reynolds, Judd Nelson
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT: Drugs
As part of NBC's"Get High On Yourself Week," a section of prime-time programming dedicated to the Reagan-era war on drugs, this hour-long PSA aired. Narrated (sort of) by the incredibly random pairing of Brat-Pack star Judd Nelson and Playgirl model/BanditBurt Reynolds, Shattered tells the story of two teenagers played by Megan Follows (Anne of Green Gables) and Dermot Mulroney (Young Guns) struggling with common problems of suburban teens, crack addiction and whoring yourselves out to pay for it. In between watching the struggles of these two and their parents "tough love"EVENTUAL involvement, we are treated to random observances from Burt Reynolds/Judd Nelson hanging out in their sweet car and obviously fulfilling their community service requirements after their respective drug busts. One of the best gems of dialogue? Megan Follows cutting lines in a van and saying, "...coke makes everything better." Touche. This video which you are more than welcome to make a drinking game out of (I prefer chugging every time you are hypnotized by Judd Nelson's nostrils) is available in parts on YouTube. Check out Part I below.
2. Strong Kids, Safe Kids (1984)
CELEB ADVICE GIVER(S): Henry Winkler (The Fonz), John Ritter, The Smurfs and a dude singing in overalls
TABOO-TOUCHY SUBJECT: Child Molestation/Abduction
I'm not sure where to start with this spastic, bizarre and down-right awkward video. Henry Winkler playing both his nerdy Jewy self and his "cool" Italian Happy Days counter-part, Fonzie, attempts to educate cats kids about the dangers of dirty touching. Also, strangers. Also, people. Also, guys in overalls. In some of the worst video editing I've ever witnessed, Winkler attempts to give advice to kids about what to do if they are approached by strangers who want to give them candy or puppies and people who attempt to touch them where their swim suit covers. Like in the weiner or the virginia. In case nerdy Winkler and his sweaters creep your kids out, he includes shots of himself interrupting himself as the Fonz, working on a bike and "actual" child abuse experts, a sex educator, John Ritter, The Smurfs and bunch of kids screaming shit. If that's not enough, a dude in overalls shows up on a slide singing songs with an acoustic guitar that have lyrics like, "...girls have a vagina and boys have a penis..." Seriously. I don't know about your kids, but after watching this thing, I felt a little molested. Thankfully, the ENTIRE video is available here. If you don't want to dedicate an entire forty minutes to feeling uncomfortable, than just check out the clip below.
1. Mr. T's Be Somebody...Or Somebody's Fool (1984)
80's and gold-lover's icon Mr. T hosts this video attempting to be a hip way of teaching your kids that fitness (I mean, they gotta be able to lift ghetto blasters, right?), eating right, harnessing their kid anger, being bullied, being able to rap, respecting their moms and most importantly, being able to pose for fashion shoots is key to not being somebody's fool. This is done through sing-song, picnics and fonts coming at the screen. Of all the celebrity PSAs from the 80's and 90's, this is hands-down the BEST piece of can't-take-your-eyes-away-unintentionally-hilarious-entertaining-random-brilliance/bullshit you WILL EVER SEE. Watch it with friends. Watch it alone. Even watch it with your kids if you want, but seriously. Watch it. If it doesn't inspire you to be a better person (which it probably won't), it will definitely remind you why some of us still secretly miss the 80's (and some of us, not so secretly). In the clip below, you will not only learn to love yourself, but Mr. T's kid friends will teach you some pretty sweet break dancing moves as well.
I did PCP once. I didn't kill anybody, but I did have a really long conversation with Keanu Reeves' character from Point Break (Johnny Utah) that ended awkwardly.
In case you just so happen to be the type that prefers camp over creep, here are some of my favorite horror movies you can watch alone and not feel the need to lock a door.
House (Hausu-original Japanese title) (1977)
This wacky acid-trip of a Japanese ghost horror movie is possibly one of the most bizarre things you will ever see. It tells the story of a young girl who upon finding out that her widowed father is planning to marry his new girlfriend, decides to spend a summer with her deceased mother's sister who she has never met. She invites along a group of her wacky schoolmates, all with personality defining nicknames such as Kung Fu (who knows kung fu), Fantasy (who imagines things a lot) and Prof (who wears glasses). Her Aunt's mansion is old and beautiful and the girls are excited to settle in for a summer in the country side, that is until bizarre shit starts to happen. This includes dancing skeletons, puking paintings and a floating severed head. This movie is a must see. Prepare for some of the weirdest film making your eyeballs have ever witnessed.
Monster Club (1980)
Definitely one of my all time favorite movies, The Monster Club stars veteran horror actor Vincent Price, aka Vince the Prince and/or Vinnie the P as aging vampire Eramus who after attacking a fellow elderly on the streets of London, realizes that the man is none other than R. Chetwynd-Hayes, his favorite horror novelist (played by fellow horror veteran, John Caradine). After many apologies and assurances he only drank enough of R.'s blood for sustenance rather than for vampiric transformation, he invites the author to his favorite local haunt in order to repay him. R. agrees in the hopes of meeting some of his writing subjects up close and personal so he may use the valuable information in later novels. They head over for an evening at the aptly titled, Monster Club where Eramus tells R. three separate tales involving different monsters. One a film director that stumbles upon a real-life village of ghouls, one about two con artists that attempt to steal from a wealthy Shadmock (a ghoul hybrid) and one goofy story involving a boy growing up with a vampire for a father and which also stars Donald Pleaseance. The stories are broken up in between with musical performances at the club such a new wave vampire band that sings, "I'm Just a Sucker For Your Love" and a stripper who strips down to her bones. It's pretty fucking awesome. If you can find the Thriller Video version with Elvira as the host, it's even better!
The Suckling (1990)
Not based on a true story nor any logical form of science, I'm not sure if this movie has a subtle political motive behind it, either way it's still pretty hilarious. The Suckling tells the story of a teenage couple who visit a back alley abortion clinic which also happens to be in a whore house. The girl chickens out last minute, so her boyfriend naturally drugs her and has the abortion performed while she is out. Nice. The fetus is dropped down the toilet where it comes in contact with toxic waste and rises back out of the toilet, into the whore house and begins to kill everything in it's path. It even eventually envelops the entire place in it's own giant womb. Whatever your thoughts on the whole abortion thing, this is pretty great stuff. Funnier to me even, is that when you type this film into IMDb, it suggest the movie Juno as another film you may want to watch. Ha!
Frankenhooker (1990)
This wacky sci-fi rom com is about Jersey medical school drop out Jeff, who is obsessed with the possibility of reanimating the dead and is given the golden opportunity when his fiancee is accidentally mauled to death by his own invention, a remote-controlled lawn mower. He decides to try and bring his lady love back from the dead and in order to do so, keeps her severed head alive until he can find the perfect body. He eventually settles on the body parts of hookers whom he kills by tempting them with a "super crack" drug he invented which causes them all to explode. Unfortunately, after his new girlfriend is stitched up, her body parts are up to their old "tricks" (pun) and Jeff must find her and stop her from selling her new body on the street, which by the way, accidentally kills dudes with it's electrified limbs. Not only that, but he has a really buff pimp on his tale and the police. What is a wacky Jersey scientist to do?
Bio-Zombie (1998)
Hong Kong's very own Dawn of the Dead, Bio-Zombie is about two losers who spend their days hocking cheap electronics at their local mall and then are suddenly thrust into the midst of a zombie invasion. A government weapon disguised as a simple soft drink, actually contains bio-chemical weapons that turn whoever drinks it into flesh-eating zombies. Our two mall rats come across a car accident where the victim is carrying the brief case with the drink. Thinking he needs something to drink, the two idiots force the drink down the man's throat who eventually becomes a zombie and follows them back to the mall. Then, not surprisingly, mall goers start dropping and then rising left and right and it's up to our two non-heroes to get out alive along with the girls they both have a boner for. Full of martial arts and wacky moments including a video-game type intro for the characters when they battle the zombies, Bio-Zombie is a fun and different sort of zombie movie with plenty of random laughs and a surprisingly dark ending.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)
This campy horror comedy is possibly my favorite movie of all time. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the big-screen debut of horror hostess, Elvira (aka Cassandra Peterson) who while in dire need for money to fund her upcoming Vegas show, coincidentally hears of her Great Aunt Morgana's death and journeys to the small town of Falwell, Massachusetts in the hopes of gaining a large inheritance. Unfortunately, not only does her car break down forcing her to stay in the quaint boring ass town, but she learns her only inheritance is a shitty old house, a poodle and a family recipe book. Her Great Uncle Vincent, a pretty smarmy devilish dude, seems rather perturbed he did not receive the book himself and tries to persuade Elvira to sell it. Initially she agrees, but after discovering her mother and aunt were actually witches and her mother was killed by Vincent in order to obtain the recipe book (which is actually a book of ancient spells), Elvira refuses, starting a battle with the powerful Vincent. Not only does our lovely heroine have to deal with a creepy warlock of a Uncle, but the Morality Club of Falwell is fixing to get her out by any means necessary. Stew pot monsters, sexual innuendos and boobs galore! Okay, maybe the boobs are covered most of the time, but Elvira not only raps in the film, but she also performs her famous nipple tassel twirling routine! Sold! This movie was a staple at every slumber party I ever had growing up. No wonder girls started thinking I was a lesbian once I hit middle school.
It’s Episode 9 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast and for this record breaking episode, I give you a record-breaking piece of shit movie and also a record-breaking number of podcast guests! This week I invited four guests knowledgeable in the fine art of both golden and garbage cinema and also current and former employees of Seattle’s own, Scarecrow Video, one of the largest independent video stores in the country! My guests are Rich Grendzinski, Matt Lynch, Laird Jimenez and Marc Palm and with them they brought a movie that you will most likely only find atScarecrow, 1985’s Ninja Turf aka L.A. Street Fighters. The story of this film is simple, I think. Boy goes to new school. Boy karate fights with forty year-old bullies, boy meets girl then boy meets drug dealer and a bunch of Mexicans with knives. It only gets better from there.
If you’re easily offended by poor taste and prefer focus and structure, do NOT listen to this cluster fuck of a podcast! If you want to hear about a secret elderly night school, the fine art of knife fighting, a Inland Empire tie-in and the best damn dick name we’ve come across in the HISTORY of the podcast, then you must listen, NOW!
To watch the trailer and other clips from Ninja Turf, check out the sneak peak for this episode here!
Okay, so a few weeks ago, I posted a trailer for some insane looking possible Beastiality softcore porn-fest titled, Tanya's Island from glorious 1980 and featuring the pre-crack addicted, fuller-bodied naked and talking talents of Vanity as Tanya. You know, that Vanity. Except in the film she is credited as "D.D. Winters" which is also NOT her real name, it's actually Katrina Matthewswhich sounds neither like vagina or a nick name for your penis. Though the time I posted the trailer, I swore to never watch the film, let alone post a review, I eventually changed my mind. Listen, I knew this thing had to be a piece of shit and there was a very real chance it was going to be disturbing on several levels, but come on! It looked so ridiculous that macabre curiosity of viewing those shark attacks and old lady vs. train collisions on those banned from television videos set in. What the fuck could this film possibly be about? Is there just constant nudity and sex for the full hour and a half and most importantly and also most disturbing, is there actually a film in existence that involves an ape man ape raping 1980's Vanity??? What in 80's fuckery?? It just seemed like a bad punchline to a hackey joke. I had to know! Trailer below, NSFW!
Tanya's Island brought to you by Tanya's landing strip.
So before you get all excited about renting this turd and rounding up a group of shitty movie loving friends, some cheese puffs and a 12 pack, I bring bad news Enemaniacs. This film is NOT WATCHABLE! It starts out entertainingly cheesy enough, with a fully-naked bare bushed Vanity projected onto the island background of the opening credits, writhing around and faking an orgasm or something. Already I decide, this turd totally has B-movie potential. Then, flash forward to, well, Vanity Tanya jogging along the busy streets of some city for a very long time, completely clothed head to toe. There are a lot of close ups of her face while she jogs. A lot.
Then, all of sudden we're thrown back and forth between scenes of her filming some possible music video in a train with guys dressed in racially insensitive African tribal garb, shots of the the stop motion animated gorilla in scenes from 1949's Mighty Joe Young and TanyaSTILL jogging. It gets even more disjointed from there. There is no explanation who any of the characters are or where they are. During the shots filmed in the dinner train, a woman approaches Tanya and makes some rambling comment about Tanya's "career." Okay, so I guess she's a pop singer? Then Tanya is suddenly knocking on the door of some apartment and is greeted angrily by a bearded guy. The guy tells her to leave and she asks to come in. He tells her he never wants to see her again and she continues to pathetically beg to stay. This is followed by her forcing her way into the apartment where he promptly get's creepily aggressive with her and throws her around all the while shouting that he doesn't want her. Yeah. She says some more passive pathetic things involving her creepy co-dependence to this guy and then, suddenly the scene cuts to her in another apartment alone. This film shits all over segues. Once in another apartment, which I assume is her own, Tanya hears a grunting noise which she follows in, oh, here we go SLOW MOTION because this whole time I was thinking to myself, Jesus, this plot is moving along so quickly with so much going on, if only they'd slow it down for a bit! After probably 10 minutes of Tanya walking to a door, she opens it and suddenly, that's right, is on some deserted island.
Wait, how are they boning if his flaccid penis is dangling? Ghost boner?
Of course, there is no explanation as to whether this is a time warp, flash back or dream sequence. She's just suddenly in a different more revealing outfit, riding a white horse and talking to the asshole abusive ex-boyfriend, who she has apparently now re-boyfriended. We learn that this bearded guy is named Lobo, is still an aggressive asshole and is a surrealist painter. Tanya and Lobo frolic and fuck around the island and act as if they've lived there together all their lives. At some point when Tanya is picking fruit in the jungle, she thinks she sees something in the trees. She is frightened and runs to Lobo, who of course mocks her for being a pussy instead of comforts her in anyway because that's what artists do. Tanya decides to explore the island on her own to find if they are truly alone and eventually comes upon a deserted cave housing a creepy ape man creature who she secretly be-friends and names him Blue because of his blue eyes. She begins sneaking away each day to swim naked in Blue's cave while he watches her and chews a stick. No, seriously, that's what they do. She keeps this friendship from her asshole boyfriend for undisclosed reasons, but I assume it's because she doesn't want to mix their friends circles in case they break up. Blue starts stalking Tanya and Lobo's tent at night which culminates in a confrontation between Lobo and Blue when Blue rips up one of Lobo's ape paintings, dick. Lobo ends up following Tanya into the jungle one day and discovers who naked swimming/stick eating friendship with Blue. Naturally, he's pissed. He's a sensitive guy. Instead of confronting Tanya then and there, he waits for her back at the tent so when he can ask her where she was, catch her in a lie and then rip off her top and forcibly finger her. This is where the movie takes a turn for the seriously rapey and fucked up. Which should have made it more entertaining, but it doesn't.
Blue reflects on whether he should have worn a condom.
The rest of the film involves a man vs. beast struggle between Lobo and Blue for Tanya's affections which involves Lobo dressing up as some stereotype of an Afican tribal member and building a bamboo prison to keep Tanya in and Blue out. Oh yeah and he also feels the need to rape her in front of Blue's ape face. Blue eventually frees Tanya from the prison after the rape only to, you guessed it, rape her himself. That's right, this movie has a Vanity double dipping rape scene and no, it is not worth watching just for this WTF moment. I promise you.
Besides numbing your brain on lack of dialogue and plot alone, if you have any normal level of confidence, Tanya's insistence on returning to Lobo after he treats her like shit and forcibly fists her at some point is excruciatingly obnoxious. She even goes to him for comfort when Blue is attacking the bamboo cage post Lobo raping her. I'm not sure if the director/writer intended this film to be some sort of metaphor about male aggression and sexuality, a dialogue about misogyny or even a documentary about the beginnings of AIDS, but even if that was the intention, Vanity's boobies and bush cannot save this dull, boring and frustratingly ridiculous excuse for an erotic drama. I've seen episodes of Red Shoe Diaries better than this and the people in it have flaccid penis fake sex were uglier! If the only pay off of this movie is a slow motion, blue filtered Gary Busey-looking ape suit raping a post-Princed/Loboed Vanity, I say get a better gimmick and preferably one that is more legal.
Turns out, Jesus does not do a body good.
In case anyone wonders, Vanity aka Katrina Matthews, left the spotlight in the 80's after almost losing both her kidneys to a crack cocaine addiction and has since become an Evangelical Christian preacher. I know most people would credit the crack for this career move, but I really have to blame Tanya's Island because when you think about it, I'm pretty sure making this shit storm turned her onto crack in this first place. R.I.P Vanity (1980's something - 1980's something).
Don "The Dragon" Wilson thinks his problems are weapons and gangs, but really they are Asian stereotypes, bad dialogue and a racist Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax. Then again, that could just be the story of his life. It's 1994's Red Sun Rising!
This WTF collection of film shorts came to my attention in two ways. First of all, there happens to be a 50 DVD film collection known as "The Decrepit Crypt Of Nightmares" on sale at my local Half Price Books discounted book store for the past year. Since the first time I saw it, I was intrigued. It was the titles on the back that sold me, Dead Body Man, Hip Hop Locos, Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City and the soon to be mentioned shit-kicking shit movie in question, Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horror Fest. This sounded interesting, but it didn't really stand out more than the rest. Update for anyone that cares, I have yet to buy that pack. I'm still waiting on a mark down. If you live locally and decide to buy this out from under me, I'll tell you right now, you're an asshole.
Anyway...the other way in which this film oozed it's way into my life and onto my movie screen is through a friend of mine, who happens to also be an employee at my local video store. He was asking me if I had ever since the shitfest known asScarlet Fry's Junk...blah blah blah and I told him my not so funny story about my elusive movie value pack. He told me that the movie was a collection of mini alleged horror shorts of the white trashiest kind all hosted by some redneck zombie calling himself Scarlet Fry. Figures. In fact, he specifically recommended one about some skate boarders trying to score drugs. Turns out, my friend's place of employment just so happened to carry both of the movie collections burned on DVD and I ended up renting them both.
"Hey, can you tell me where the Hot Topic is around here?"
Okay, now for the WTF news. I knew these things were on DVR with no labels so I didn't expect high quality, plus my friend had already warned me that the whole thing was filmed on a hand-held camcorder and some shorts were pretty much unwatchable. All of this I knew. What I didn't know was how white trash these things would be. The "movie" starts with an alleged attractive junkie (portrayed byCalico Cooper, Alice Cooper'shell spawn daughter, first WTF part of this turd) looking to score some "junk." This is also the first indication of how trashy this thing is going to be. She is dressed in a men's undershirt and some kind of tight flared pants along with some platform sandals. Maybe it's the 90's, I give it the benefit of the doubt. Said junkie turns a corner down some low-income apartment ally and finds some dude sitting on the ground by a dumpster fiddling with tin foil and a match. I assume this is a crack reference. I just don't know. Junkie Cooper then asks the guys where she "...can score some junk." He acts annoyed and hands her a paper bag stating, "...just take this and get the fuck out of here." She vows to return if the bag contents are, "...bunk junk" (second indication of the trashiness, who the fuck says bunk?). Once she finds her own personal dumpster and prepares to shoot up I assume, she opens the bag only to find...a fucking VHS tape! Bunk! She then promptly returns to the dude and beats him to alleged death with a pipe. Then, nonchalantly, whilst covered in Hershey syrup blood, walks up to some chubster guy taking out his trash, holds up the tape and says, "...Wanna watch a movie?"
"Fucking magnets. How do they work?"
Okay. Now, I haven't even gotten to the actual shorts yet, but already I knew this movie might be a mistake. Next we are introduced to the alleged quirky host of the films, Scarlet Fry. He turns out to be some juggalo in overalls and a cheap zombie latex make-up job. So far, I'm still mildly amused. While he introduces himself and the upcoming "horror" short, you notice a suburban white trash twenty-something covered in fake blood and tied to a tree behind him. I guess this is horror ambiance. The next sad indication of trashiness is the fact that that the chicks only close up is her massive muffin top hip fat behind Shaggy 2 Dope'sScarlet Fry's head. Oh, girl. Actually, I'm pretty sure all of the allegedly hot chicks in this thing are people I saw smoking found cigarette butts at a bus stop at some point or they're just all in 8th grade still. It's undetermined.
"Oh arm, you're my ooonly friend."
Now, the shorts. First of all these "shorts" are actually like maybe five minutes long and all filmed in the same government-funded low income housing apartment complex. The first short, Blood Thirsty Butcher surrounds some fat guy that creepily stalks some average looking girl in their apartment complex's laundry room, then invites her up to his barren apartment other than the necessary one Christmas light strand (Oh, dudes) only to stab her a bunch and eat her arm, then complain about it's lack of flavor. That's it. First off, the guy is totally creepy looking on top of being all fat sad. The girl is lured to his room with the promise of home-made afternoon time lunch in his apartment after they just met. The girl isn't hot, but she is decently average so I have no idea how this offer was alluring to her whatsoever. Lady, you need to get yourself a new rape alarm, oh wait, you're dead now, so don't bother.
"Fuck you Grandpa! Wicca is too a religion! You never understood me!"
Anyhow...the next short titled, The Solution, is equally as short and involves another toothy goth girl playing the part of "hot chick." You know from the minute you see her all kinds of bumpy lumpy from behind in her "sexy" nurse outfit, that she owns every episode of theInvader Zim cartoon as well as a buttload of anime. A buttload. Oh, girl. So she is basically a caretaker for an alleged old guy who actually looks 35 and is wheeling him around a lake. At some point she attempts to force feed him some pudding which he promptly spits all over the place including on her. The pudding looks a little like jisim and with the general ambiance of this thing, I think it was deliberate. The nurse is very annoyed, why can't this old guy stop being so sad about being old and decrepit? Does he not understand she has an industrial dance party to go to later? So after this important plot twist, she continues to angrily wheel him around until not so suddenly or subtly, some guy shows up in the parking with a sniper rifle and shoots the old guy in the head. The nurse then happily skips away to the guy and his waiting Ford Contour, where he whisks her away to a romantic dinner at Applebees or something. This makes no fucking sense. The guy she is taking care of is already old and or crazy. She could have just as easily pushed him into the lake or poisoned his pudding and gotten away with it. Obviously people know who he's with and it's not too common for decrepit crazy old people to be shot in the brain for no reason. Ugh. Well, at least it's over after a few minutes.
The next short and the most ambitious so far is titled, Griptape Spank. It's probably at least ten minutes long. This is the one my friend told me was worth witnessing. The story involves a bunch of greasy young dudes who are skating around a parking lot one day looking to score some weed. When they come to the realization they are all broke, one of the guys, Donnie, has an idea. He takes his two friends to a parking garage where he introduces them to a really bad gay stereotype/transvestite character in pigtails who offers to pay them $10 each in exchange for turning his "...ass blood red." Whoa. The friends then follow him to another, more private I guess area of the parking lot where he drops his denim daisy dukes, revealing his little pink thong. The tranvestie then bends over a car and eggs the boys on to spank him with their skateboards, the griptape side preferably. Okay. Donnie'sfriends suddenly hesitate stating that this situation is "...fucking gay." Um, where was the hesitation when the guy brought up the who ass blood red thing? Also, even if you are a closeted gay hetero homophobe, spanking a dude who isn't even naked is a pretty easy 10 bucks. It's not like you're giving him a hand job. The friends reluctantly spank the guy in between hurling homophobic insults at Donnie and the transvestie. They are then paid by cash the guy places in his thong for them to pull out. When the dudes meet up with their dealer, they offer her the cash for a bag of weed. She questions how they suddenly came up with money and they don't tell her. After they walk away, she opens one of the folded bills to reveal it's bloody and has poo on it. Ew.
WTF.
This is when the short takes a turn for the incredibly fucked up. Donnie and his friends arrive at the set his apartment and are greeted by his equally greasy girlfriend in a Target sale top with a Disney character on it. After they smoke some of the weed, Donnie's girlfriend asks where he's been getting all the money he's been bringing home. Apparently no one has jobs. The friend's continue to doucheily tease about the spanking and Donnie gets agro. His girlfriend calls him a "faggot" several times. Donnie gets more agro. The rest of the short is about Donnie losing his shit after replaying in his head his friends and girlfriends homophobic slurs. He then attaches some nails to his skateboard and spanks the poor, innocent spank-loving transvestie to death. It's pretty brutal. In fact, this short in general is just so incredibly creepily white trash gay bash that I was really pissed throughout it. This is also the point where I stopped the movie. Not because of complete distaste for the horrifying shitbag it was, but because the DVD was scratched and froze.
Overall, I would say this isn't necessarily unwatchable I guess, but not worth watching for sure. The Griptape Spank one starts out amusing enough, but the violence is just so creepily small town ignorant and trashy, it only reminded me of middle school, which in this case, I didn't appreciate. Oh well, I guess I'll never know what became of secretly dick loving Donnie. Hopefully he was eaten by the fat guy that also lives in his apartment or was promptly shot after making fun of the nurse's kitten hoodie. I'm not sure I really care.
Womens prison where the prisoners are like, women!
B-Movies, specifically the horror/schlock/exploitation genre, are often a reflection of the times. This shittily-made form of social commentary has boldly tackled social taboos (or perpetuated stereotypes) happening in their respective current spectrum of human society for generations (shut up, that IS a sentence).
Listen, if you're going to have more than one black person in a movie, it becomes a "black" film, right? That means you have to have the word "black" in the title. It's just a rule. Also, exploiting a woman's fear of rape and or people's disabilities is entertaining. Obviously. For example, if you are scared of being raped by someone retarded, there is a B-movie out there just to scare assholes like you. Political correctness aside, if you don't believe me (or just don't care), here are some examples of B-Movies brave enough to tackle human politics.
RACISM
Based on the true tales of Cybil Danning!
"Chopsticks" was just too much.
I guess this movie forgot to include gender stereotypes too.
WOMENS ISSUES
Is Bette Midler in this one?
The statistics of women raped by fire are pretty sobering.
DRUGS
Coke ain't no joke you guys.
Teenagers, our last natural source of fossil fuel!
TEENAGE ANGST
Before "Juno" made it cool. Also, are you a teenager at 14?
For Episode 43 we heartily enjoyed on recommendation of previous guest, artist MARC PALM, a bizarre chopsocke karatesploitation buddy cop crime thriller from 1985 involving actual martial arts master, Tadashi Yamashita, a really racist pimp, hijinks and wackiness, SWORD OF HEAVEN! My guests for this thrill ride include TEC pioneers, filmmakers and humorists, KEVIN CLARKE and TRAVIS VOGT! Expect conversations about masonry, babies as canon fodder, dick nicknames that will inherit Downton Abbey and another amazing rap battle concerning puzzles and drugs!
