As previously stated, I can't pass up something brightly colored for a dollar. Especially if that something happens to be a brightly colored, VHS tape with shark attacks, man boobs or large font on the front, because honestly, the size of the font matters (wah, wah). Anyhow...now as a regular installment on
TEC, I give you different movies from my film collection that people wonder how and why the fuck I own! Prepared to be
AMAZED with
ACTUAL photos of
ACTUAL things I
ACTUALLY spent a dollar (sometimes up to $3) on! Though that title is catchy, to avoid hurting my crooked frail lady pinkies with all those
CAPS, let's just call this one...
The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library.
I Am Not a Freak (1987)
I confess. I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle! I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it! I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it,
is in fact, a freak! Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat. Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or
choices, shut up fat lady!). It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by
Robin Williams in the classic,
Jack). Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay!
Also, a
two-headed man, a man suffering from
grape-face Elephantiasis and the aforementioned
lazy asshole 600 pound woman! The best part of this film is the opening in which the narrator, possibly from those starving children in not America commercials, properly warns the viewer of the shocking
FREAKS they are about to see. Wait,
are they or aren't they? If you can find this somewhere, I say watch and judge for yourself. Plus, in the comfort of your own home, no one can judge you for judging the disabled.
It's Episode 28 Enemaniacs and not only do I bring you hilarious returning guest, comedian Travis Vogt, but also brand new funny guests, Scarecrow Video employee Alex Thomas and Brainwreck Trivia show host Michele Colyn who bore gifts of roadhouse tea and gigantic marshmallows! Our brain-exploding, blood rain inducing and slime-filled film of the night was 1986's NEON MANIACS about a bunch of rampaging mutants that live under a bridge and like to axe and arrow stupid rich white teenagers! We discuss the cinematic genius that is this movie, learn 1980's cafeteria segregation slang and discuss my ousting by the Burger King Kid's Club. There will be blood (rain).
I confess. I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle! I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it! I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it, is in fact, a freak! Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat. Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or choices, shut up fat lady!). It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by Robin Williams in the classic, Jack). Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay! 
