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| "...Every fuckin' retard thinks he's a rock star." |
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|
Turns out, the
Devil, as in,
Satan, totally loves hair metal. A lot. This is a safe assumption I've made based on several debatable facts I've learned from straight to tape movies. This is where most facts are safely hidden. Seriously, the
Devil obviously loves hair metal so much that he's willing to teach a lot of people how to shred an axe/play guitar good in exchange for their drunken, bandana-laden and extremely flammable souls. The logical conclusion to be taken here is there must be awesome free rock shows in Hell. Although, since it's hell, they probably charge some really shitty cover at the door. Anyways, there have been a bevy of b-movies about the satanic art of rock, especially in the 80's when hair metal was at it's height of unironic goodness. With so many amazing shitty satanic rock movies to choose from, 1991's
SHOCK EM' DEAD has a few things that makes it stand out from the average bargain bin video pack.
A. It's seems like the 80's, but it's the 90's.
B. Co-stars recent porn retiree, Traci Lords.
C. There is a lot of neon green slime in it.
D. It is actually pretty good.
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| "So my penis has like, three heads." |
SHOCK EM' DEAD has everything thing you could want from a shitty rock n' roll hell film. Boobs, the aforementioned neon slime, puke takes, boobs, blatant racial insensitivity, zombies, women's blouses passed as bad ass male rock t-shirts (see
Rock n' Roll Nightmare (1987), a hot tub, giant wigs, double headed guitars, ladies boobs, awful music, scenes in a pizzeria and murders! Tons of murders. Plus, the devil! Plus, a possibly gay disco queen lead singer who dispenses amazingly shitty one-liners!
SOLD.
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Martin decides eating soul dust
has to taste better than cheese bread. |
In case you skipped the trailer,
SHOCK EM' DEAD tells the story of this guy
Martin (
Stephen “The Fight Professor” Quadros).
Martin is a nerdy guy that wants to become a rock star. The only thing in
Martin's way is his brokeness, his aforementioned nerdiness and his inability to play guitar. The only naked ladies he sees is his co-worker when she changes bras in the break room through a peep hole he carved in the wall. Sad and a little rapey. He even attempts to try out for a local "rocking" band,
Spastique Kolon, (with aforementioned disco queen singer) whose band manager happens to be boner-inducing
Lindsay (
Traci Lords) and get's completely shit on. These circumstances would normally crush the
Motley Crue inspired rock dreams of most thirty somethings working at a pizzeria and attempting to learn the guitar in order to have sex with people, but luckily for
Martin, he happens to have an run in with a random racist stereotype of a voodoo lady that knows the witchery of the Devil. The Devil. She senses
Martin's rock n' roll plight with her voodoo powers and makes a deal with him. He will become a rock god, but he has to sell his soul. Since
Martin has clearly already sold his soul to the corporate machine, he has no qualms with this. Voodoo lady then stabs him in the chest, causing one of soon to be many moments of neon green slime to ooze from something.
Martin screams in pain and opens his eyes to find he's in some weird cheap
Thriller music video set where he bares witness to a faceless large haired man playing a two-headed guitar while ladies stroke his legs and stuff. Also, there is fog. Lots of fog. What the fuck is going on?!?
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"Hey. I'm here to pick up
your daughter, Traci." |
Suddenly,
Martin wakes up in a somewhat expensive looking Hollywood Hills home with two half naked ladies laying in bed with him. What the what?!? Also, they're pretty cute. Huh? And he has lots of hair and piercings now. Get out! Plus, he totally knows how to shred on the guitar, like, HARD. Holy shit! He's a rockstar now! A rockstar of the Devil! The girls clue
Martin in on a couple catches that have come with his new wig and penis. Pros, he's a rich rockstar with endless funds, guitar playing abilities and a hot tub! Plus, his wardrobe is full of pre-ripped tees and leather pants and his new lady friends sold their souls to the Devil in order to be beautiful, so their purgatory is to have sex with him until the end of time! Party! The cons are as follows, first con, he's actually totally dead. Second con, in order to stay "alive," he'll need to regularly murder people and breathe in their neon green mist/soul. Third con, his true self will be revealed in reflective objects, so, avoid those! Pretty sure all these things are worth have hot tub sex with
Traci Lords. Or, at least in 1987 it would have been.
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Sometimes hangin' with Angel is fun.
Sometimes he has too many Grasshoppers.
It's really embarrassing. |
Martin, now going by his new good guitar playing name,
Angel (get it), uses his new found Devil rock powers to try out for
Spastique Kolon again (aka Devil induced nerd revenge) and not only does he get the gig for the upcoming
Battle of the (40 year olds)
Bands, he ends up replacing and soul sucking the spazzy lead singer! Plus, he pukes green ooze on the crowd at the show for some reason. This is not explained. Anyways, thus begins the rockin' rampage of
Angel and his angels who throw the most killer house parties in town! Cause they eat people. As
Angel starts killing off strangers and rivals left and right, he also attempts to woo
Lindsay (
Lords) away from her douchey beau, the always overlooked, band bass player. After several deaths and awkward moments in which
Angel refuses to eat pizza with them, the band gets suspicious and realize he's a Devil person! Sadly, for actual nerd
Martin/Angel and his groupie club made of actual burn victims and cancer patients, since the whole Devil deal thing and murdering people essentially overshadows their initial good intentions, they are all defeated/sent back to hell by
Lindsay and her boyfriend.
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Traci awakes from one of her many
ongoing Ron Jeremy nightmares. |
SHOCK 'EM DEAD is essentially a documentary about bullying and what it can lead to. I mean,
Martin would have never made that deal with the Devil if he wasn't tormented so badly, right? It's actually a very sad statement about the lack of acceptance in the society we live in. Thankfully, it is also filled with green slime, big hair and naked boobs, so who cares!! Just remember, it's better to accept who you are rather than make deals with the Devil. Hopefully for you that person is already
Traci Lords!
Shitty Rock Song Covers:1
Breast Implants: 3
Half Shirts: 5
Pepperoni Peep Holes: 1
Zombies: 2
Double Guitars: 2
Glowing Green Eyes: 10
Actual Electric Shocks: 1
Boobs: 6
Air Guitar On Real Guitar: 9
Guitar Play Face: 2
Dead Bodies: 4
Puke Scenes: 3
Dildo Drills: 1
Happy New Year's Enemaniacs! Just for you guys we threw together a special New Year's Eve episode full of blow job jokes, a giant cheese bowl, violent assaults, a scandalous story (not really) about "actor" Andy Dick and discussions about the difference between consent and permission! We stayed awake (most of us) through the entirety of 1987's British horror film, BLOODY NEW YEAR about a bunch of shipwrecked British teens sort of stranded at a ghost hotel that is perpetually stuck in a New Year's Eve haunted party triangle. Stayed awake! My guests are returning friend of TEC, comedian, EMMETT MONTGOMERY, visiting from New York, comedian DANIEL CARROLL and friend of comedy/Dan's childhood friend, ex-marine, PETER TRAN! Might want to keep your mace handy for this one.
It’s Episode 11 and I’ve brought in some experts to help me deal with this shit kicking Canadian musical horror movie appropriately titled, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare. Released in 1987 and written by it’s star Canadian body builder/rock singer/wrestler Jon Mikl Thor, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare tells the story of an alleged rock band that sets up shop in a unbeknownst to them demonically possessed farmhouse so they can record their new album. Unfortunately, some 
Not unlike a dog and squirrels or "challenged" people and shiny things, I am easily 
I'm not sure why I was pulled in by this one...actually, I know. There is a bald lady getting all stabby with a giant knife on the front! Also, a warning of "too gory for the silver screen"! Also, naked people! According to the back cover, the plot involves a heavy metal musician who sells his soul to a devil lady, I'm sorry, a "succubus" in exchange for getting girls. Sounds awesome, right? Book of lies! In real life, the movie is about a boring dude who likes heavy metal that invites some friends over to his house for a party or something. Oh wait, before they come over his boring guy boner brings forth a devil woman that he dreams about having sex with. Then said average looking succubus in tight clothes goes around the party and starts killing people off. Despite a blow job turning into a dick eating scene (which I saw coming, PUN!), the kills aren't that great. Another missing plot point, the main character guy has a girlfriend so there goes the whole hooking up with chicks thing. Also, you just can't wait for all these assholes at the party to be killed. There is blood and there are boobs, but it's hardly worth it. Dead giveaways this was to be avoided, the shitty tag line, the Elm Street rip-off tie-in and most obvious, note regarding "made-for-video feature film." Like I said, the knife looked shiny! 
This one got me less on cover art and more based on the story line. KISS plays a concert at a theme park that unbeknownst to KISS is run by a diabolical mad man that plans on killing everyone with his faulty rides or possibly lasers! KISS must stop this! If fans die, who will pay for their Herpes medication? They've got bills man! What really happens is a couple of average teens hang out with friends and we follow them around, watching part of the KISS concert and stumbling upon the mad park owner's mad park laboratory. It's like a dog-less, weed-less, jankies-less Scooby-Doo episode. The part the KISS participates in, which involves the kicking of the mad park manager with their high heels is amusing, but the hour and a half before that happens is SO goddamn boring! If you must rent this on camp factor or if, God help you, you're a KISS fan, then fast forward to the end. You won't miss anything.
