TEC Podcast: Episode 48: TEC LIVES!: What's Yor Is Mine!

It's the 48th episode of the podcast and the 4th installment of TEC: Lives at The White Rabbit! For this pre-hysterical episode, we and an actual audience sat through the beautiful entirety of 1983's sci-fi/fantasy/pre-historic/action/romance/non-epic YOR, HUNTER FROM THE FUTURE, starring B-movie ranconteur Reb Brown, a bunch of purple cavemen and a Volkswagen bug in a dinosaur suit!  My guests on this live episode include filmmakers/comedians TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE of ClarketheVogt Productions and comedian/actress JENNIFER BURDETTE! Expect tanning tips, butt shots, dino-bashing, the soothing sounds of a bearded woman, ZERO yor mama jokes and Kevin Clarke's BEST. RAP. EVER. 

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*This and all TEC Podcast episodes are available on our Podbean site and on iTunes! 

Occupy The Body Shop! It's B-Movie Mall Madness!

"Can you play Tears for Fears?"

Even though I'm generally occupied with beer, string cheese and a stack of whatever bad movies had "apocalypse" in the description that day, I find the time to be aware of how shitty the current American economy is.  Pabst Blue Ribbon should never cost more than $8 for a six pack.  Anarchy!  Anyways, I may not have a T.V. box, but I do ride the bus which has been re-routed several times due to the current Occupy Seattle movement.

"ZOMG!  Sale at Mr. Rags you guys!"

I completely agree with the politics of the movement, but pooping in a bush and listening to bongo drums in the rain really isn't my deal, so to do our part here at TEC, in the spirit of taking down evil corporations and criticizing mass consumerism during the holiday season (unless you are consuming mass amounts of PBR and string cheese), I give you my list of the best of the worst horror movies involving mall murder and department store death!  Okay, so the criticism on consumerism here is pretty poorly conceived, we're not talking Dawn of the Dead metaphors, but it's basically the idea with just more boobs!  So break out your pepper spray and let's shop till we drop...our corporate bank accounts in favor of local credit unions!!!  Fuck yeah!

5. THE INITIATION (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Vapid, spoiled, rich sorority girls are mall murdered
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 4 out of 10

Kelly Fairchild (metaphor!) is a wimpy emotional rich girl.  She is portrayed by actress/Druish Princess/Melrose Place resident Daphne Zuniga.  These are all parts of this film's plot.  I think.  Anyhow, Kelly has this weird fear of seeing people catch on fire due to this persistent nightmare she has been having since childhood of seeing a guy (who might be her birth father) on fire and possibly burn to death.  This dream is portrayed in a dream sequence shown several time throughout the film in order to helpfully remind us she is a crazy person.

Since Kelly is already socially stunted due to these crippling burning man night terrors, she decides to head off to college and pledge a sorority.  In case you don't know, sorority girls are bitches.  Or at least that's the general rule of movies involving sorority girls.  It might seem odd that a bunch of women that hate other women would choose to live in houses full of women, but you're going to have to remember that the key to great film fantasies like this is to suspend all disbelief.  I think.

Even when written in murder blood,
turn out Kelly is still not a menacing name.

Anywhos, so Kelly and her fellow pledges and soon-to-be sorority sisters at Delta Ro Kai have several discussions in over-sized t-shirts and underwear leading up to the ultimate unnecessary initiation dare that involves her breaking into a department store located in the local mall.  Omigod.  They are SO bad!  Good news, her dad owns the store so this the feasible worse thing that could happen, would be an extended grounding more than jail time.  Bad news, nothing equals a more permanent "grounding" than mall murder.  God, I love puns.  Also, turns out sometimes when you break into secure buildings, you can accidentally activate a lock down mechanism that prevents assumed criminals from leaving the premise.  Trapped in a mall, what's a thin, attractive girl to do!?!  Wait, you mean free ear piercings, Sbarro pizzas and Cinnabon's for me and all my friends?

"Omigod, Teresa, you spaz!  What did I say
about borrowing stuff from my room!"

Okay.  Maybe I don't know what attractive thin girls do at malls.  What I do know is that stolen mini skirt from Wet Seal isn't going to look that good on your totally dead body (death makes you gain like, ten pounds) since there is some killing killer person intentionally trapped in the mall too!  From this point on, Kelly's "friends" are slowly stalked and murdered by this "unknown" mall maniac culminating in a massive climax involving...STUFF!  Actually, I'm not too sure.  I started paying only half assed attention mid-way through the movie when she started some awkward romance with a professor's aide after being submitted to a sleep study psych ward.  Bored yet?  Me too.

 4.  NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy
Criticism on Consumerism: Southern California, the land of fake boobs, movie magic and asshole celebrities, is destroyed by a passing comet which turns the population into dust or slowly dying brain dead zombies.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 6 out of 10

Regina "Reggie" Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) is a disillusioned twenty something whose life consists of working at a small movie theater, boning her mediocre boyfriend, dealing with her teenage little sister and maintaining the top score on the arcade game Tempest.  Everyone in the city is gearing up to watch the passing of a famed comet with the hopes of having something to do or being amazed by flashing lights or whatever.  Reggie remains uninterested.  The night of the comet (HEYO) she discovers that her Tempest score has been usurped by some dick fart with the initials, "DMK."  Feeling as though her life has obviously lost all of it's true meaning, she decides to have a "I just want to forget" fuck in the projection booth at work with her boyfriend.  Luckily for her, the steel lined walls protect these two horny kids from the unpredicted zombie radiation of the incoming passing comet.

"So, do you think ALF is like, cancelled now?"

After the fateful night the comet passes, everyone in SoCal has now become lifeless red dust or brain dead zombies.  Like, literally instead of like, metaphorically!  Reggie's BF is pretty much immediately murdered and eaten by an attacking zombie (see, mediocre), so she sets off to find her sister Sam (Kelly Maroney) who also spent the night in steel for some reason and has survived.  The rest of the film consists of the two of them fending off zombies, meeting a Mexican, Mary Woronov and shady scientist types.

Sam reflects on the untimely passing of her parents.

Most importantly and why this film is included, Reggie and Sam eventually find refuge inside a mall.  A sequence in which they dance around and try on different uns, slap bracelets and scrunchies while listening to Cyndi Lauper's feminist pop hit, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."  Cause when your friends and loved ones have been fried dead and the crying is done, oh girls, girls still want to have fun!  Will they be able to fight off the zombified mall staff?  Will the identity of DMK ever truly be revealed?  When are they ever gonna live their lives rai-ight?  Oh Daddy dear you know, the answer to all of those things is, like, obviously.         

3.  HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988) 

B-movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Misunderstood cross-dressing ex-con/crazy person and furniture store employee hunts down spoiled teenagers who break into the store to spend a night partying and boning.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 8 out of 10

Let's say it's 1988.  Leave out your past regrets, I'm just setting a scene.  You and your white attractive (this word was more loosely applied in the 80's so it's okay) friends want to celebrate your upcoming high school graduation.  What do you think?  Cabo?  Palm Beach?  Six Flags?  If you thought of any of these things, you are NOT concentrating on 1988 like I totally just TOLD you to DO!  GAWD!!!!  Anyway, why do something as gay as roller coasters or sandy beaches when you can break into your friend's dad's furniture store for a night and party?!?

"I call the bunk bed!"

That's right.  Endless beds and beer?  Um, yes!  You mean my best friend and I can lose our virginity in adjacent beds in the same room while our unattached friends stand by in awkward silence?  Awesome!  I hope we can give birth to our first children this way!  So as I just made clear, a group of wacky teens decide to do just that and break into one of their dad's furniture store to spend graduation night.  While some of them wrestle with their moral upbringings in deciding whether or not the stage is set and the lights are right to finally become a woman, the rest of them just fuck each other.

Dear LGBT community,
Sorry.
Love, TEC

Meanwhile, an ex-con/store employee/cross dressing/crazy person is secretly living in the store's basement after receiving consensual permission from the owner who feels sorry for the poor guy.  After he hears the ruckus created by the teens, lots of misunderstandings happen that lead to a fated game of hide and seek and a cross dressing murder spree!  By the way, I'm not suggesting being a cross dresser makes you crazy, but if you are a man that dresses in women's clothing (which is totally your business) and stalk the streets at night looking for prostitutes to murder mid-bone than you are probably crazy.  Moving on, one of the stand out parts about this film that helps it to earn an 8 out of 10 for department store deaths, is the fact that it includes one of the greatest decapitation shots in an elevator ever.  Also, it manages to ball every inappropriate old horror cliche/80's social stigma into one killer by making him a gay, cross-dressing, punk rock, murdering, ex-con with tattoos.  Bravo HIDE AND GO SHRIEK.  Bravo.           

2.  PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1989)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Comedy/Romance
Criticism on Consumerism: Local Mayor is bought off by corporate giant who burns down a young man's house when he refuses to sell in order to build a giant mall on the property.  Dicks.
Mall Madness Score: 9 out of 10

One time, in a year far far away, someone that was French wrote a novel called Phantom of the Opera or the French equivalent anyway.  It tells the romantic story of a disfigured composer who stalks a young opera singer and tries to woo her with murders and kidnapping.  Or is that the musical?  Or the movie?  Or, who cares?  Well anyways, PHANTOM OF THE MALL: (spoiler alert) ERIC'S REVENGE is similar in the way that he wears the half mask, is disfigured and get's creepy with a non-disfigured girl.  Eric (Derek Rydall) is a young and hunky house owner dating young and girl hunky Melody (Kari Whitman).  A corporate honcho has been pressuring him to sell his property so he can tear down Eric's house and build a gigantor mall.  Eric, knowing how hard it must be to find cheap housing in the Valley, refuses, thus setting in motion his path to disfigurement and phantoming.  The corporate big wig sends a thug out to Eric's place to set it on fire.  Unfortunately, Eric and Melody are inside at the time involved in romantic coitus.  As the fire envelopes the house, Eric risks his life to save Melody's, pushing her out of a window as the house falls on top of him.

"Nobody murders in my mall
I built on murder.  Nobody!"

Cut to a year or some more later - the corporate guy succeeds and the Midtown Mall is erected on Eric's previous property.  The whole city, even Mayor Karen Wilton (Morgan Fairchild) have come out to oversee the opening of the new mall.  Melody, still alive and unscarred, comes to the mall opening with her friend to look for a job.  If you're wondering why she hasn't been suing the fuck out of these people who obviously murdered her boyfriend, it will become obvious.  This character we are supposed to find sympathetic and meek is actually a heartless asshole.  This is not implied, but obvious to any normal person who has ever loved and lost someone to a murderous fire mid-coitus.  Just saying.

Pauly Shore works hard to pay off
all he owes for nugs, weezin and grindage.

So as the film progresses, we see a shadowy figure with a half mask climbing through air ducts, spying on Melody, petting pictures of her face and murdering the fuck out of anyone who harasses her.  This becomes obvious pretty quickly that it is Eric.  Technically, the title sort of gives it away.  Melody is eventually hired at a murder mystery themed mall restaurant.  Oh the obvious, trying too hard irony!  The corporate guy and his thugs soon recognize Melody and try to do her in during her day job.  Thankfully, poor, crazy, confused, and burn scarred Eric is there to save her every time.  We are eventually introduced to Peter (Rob Estes of Silk Stalkings), a young reporter who gets involved in the mystery of Eric's death and falls for, but mostly just wants to bone Melody.  We are also introduced to a young Pauly Shore who is named Buzz in the film and plays Melody's friend, a frozen yogurt shop employee who eventually shows us his butt.      

"Geronimall!"

After several life saving situations, romantic notes, flowers and secret gifts, Melody finally puts together that the phantom might be, omigod...Eric?!?  To confirm this, she and new soon-to-be boyfriend Peter dig up his grave which is, WHAT?  EMPTY?!?!?  I don't think you can actually get away with this at a mortuary without anyone knowing, but I'm no death expert.  Following the grave disturbance (pun!), the thugs attack Melody again in which Eric finally whisks her away to the lovely mall catacombs where they are reunited.  He professes his love to her.  Melody on the other hand makes no mention of, "Oh my God, I'm so glad you weren't burned to death," or "Thanks for saving my life which has caused you to sacrifice your mental well being and physical appearance," or "Thanks for saving me all those other times," instead she just becomes grossed out and asks Eric if she can leave.  This rightfully pisses him off and he flips out, deciding to blow up the mall and all the assholes that tried to murder him within it.  Peter finally makes his way through the air ducts, finds Eric's lair and grabs Melody.  They run away and clear out the mall of all the innocent vapid people that don't deserve to be blown up.   

Mayor Karen decides to STICK around!
Ha! God, I'm funny.

Eric comes face to burned face with his murderers, including the, SHOCK, girl mayor.  All the bad guys and girls, besides assholes, Melody and Peter, who are now in love for some reason, escape the mall bomb Eric sets off.  Don't worry, no Pauly Shore butts were harmed in the bombing of this mall.  This movie gets 9 out of 10 for a Mall Madness score because the entire thing happens in a mall, plus actual legit 80's mall stores such as B. Dalton Books, Sam Goody and Miller's Outpost are shown.  Oh, the pointless memories!  It only comes shy of one point for making the lead characters (not including the mall phantom) some of the most unsympathetic dick weeds ever.  Long live Eric!          

1.  CHOPPING MALL (1986)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi
Criticism on Cosumerism: State of the art robots placed in the local mall for security purposes go rogue and murder sex-having teenagers.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 10 out of 10!!!

For B-movie lovers, this is the most obvious go-to non-shocking pick for #1 mall-related horror films.  Though it was an easy choice, tt simply can't be topped.  CHOPPING MALL is the Holy Grail of all bad mall murder!  Starring Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class) and Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their roles from Eating Raoul!  Plus, killer robots!

Okay, so if you don't know, CHOPPING MALL tells the story of four teenage couples who decide to stay after hours in the furniture store some of them work at in the Park Plaza Mall for what else...a night of beds and beer!  Unfortunately for their as yet unlasered butts and unblown up heads, the mall has just installed a new (painfully 80's) state of the art security system involving futuristic robot guards (who laser butts and blow up heads)!

"You dickweed!  You totally messed up my hair!"

When a bumbling janitor spills water on the robots, they some how get rewired and go rogue, murdering the janitor with lasers and trapping the as yet unsuspecting couples inside the mall.  Once the couples figure out about the deadly robo-murdering going on, it's all out mayhem as half naked girls run from robots only to have their heads blown off!  Need I really say more?!?  Occupy the CHOPPING MALL and get me one of these killbots for Christmas!  

Nevermind, Rewind Movie Of The Week

This movie had so much promise.  Of course, most of that promise was based on the cover alone, but seriously!  Look at that shit!  The premise is fairly simple...after the apocalypse, the gritty hard up survivors making it in the wasteland start participating in a new version of pool where losing means losing a finger.  Then of course the titular loner character comes in and shakes things up by being really good at pool.  Okay, I knew this was going to be stupid, but I still thought it had the chance to be stupid good.  Unfortunately it's the worse kind of bad as far as shitty movies go which means it's extremely BORING.

If I hadn't read the back description, I wouldn't know what the fuck is happening at all because the apocalypse is never explained.  The film just starts rather abruptly without credits and shows the main character, Harry (played by quasi-popular Australian actor Steve Bisley from MAD MAX and other stuff), shuffling down a train track with a chihuahua in a papoose.  Eventually credits began rolling and the viewer is treated to the sight of this guy walking through a distillery.

What sort of Godless hell is this place of the future?

I guess this is the part where we assume bombs have been dropped here before because like seriously, where are all like the shopping malls?  At some point Harry walks by a store front that has, holy shit!  Graffiti!  Clearly, lawlessness and anarchy are rampant!  The graffiti, which I guess stands as the opening text or narration that most post-apocalyptic movies have, is actually just a tag that reads "George Orwell".  You know, because remember that book he wrote about the future?  It's about this point that the film starts to lose me.  Harry eventually walks into an abandoned bar of some kind where he runs into old friends.  Words are exchanged, but I can't understand most of them through they're thick Aussie accents.  What does become understandable is that Harry is hugging the bar owner a lot and the bar owner at some point becomes agitated and asks Harry to show him his fingers.  Harry obliges and very slowly reveals each finger on each hand one by one.  He even does a little fake out with his last pinkie.  That Harry, such a card!

"Off with his tip!"

After talking with his mates for a bit, Harry decides to cross the street to a dingy pool hall and watch some shady guys play a few rounds.  This is when it looks interesting, for a second anyway.  One of the guys brings out a device which is placed on the pool table.  It's the finger cutting thing promised in the plot line!  Yes!  Action!  The losing player places his finger in the device and BAM!  It's cut off!  Well, it's not that cool really.  The camera pans away from the device so the finger cutting is not actually shown.  Boo!  The loser of said finger then wraps that shit up and keeps on playing.  Harry schemes his way into the action at some point and the game is on!  Except here's the problem...even in the post-apocalypse, watching two dudes play pool, is still watching two dudes play pool.  It's fucking boring!  After what seems like an hour, the game is finished, Harry is the winner, collects his finger blood money and no one loses a pinkie.  Yeah.  BORING.  Unless you're really into dreads and cue balls.  I say, pass on HARD KNUCKLE.  Then again, if you are really into those things, you are probably a fairly boring individual and in that instance, this movie has the perfect plot holes and pacing for you.     

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day!

The B-Movie Ballad of Billy Blanks

One time there was this guy.  His name was Billy Blanks.  Billy Blanks was a paladin, a warrior and a demi-god who wanted to save attractive people from drug abuse, stop crime with karate kicks and help fat people punch harder.  Thankfully for us here at TEC and you dear reader, he was also an accomplished thespian.  Thus I give you the best of the sweaty/slimey facial expressions, slightly racist character naming and VHS cover art badassery that is the B-Movie Ballad of Sir Billy Blanks.





Bloodfist (1989)

Genre: Action/Martial Arts
Codename: Black Rose
Notable Co-stars: Don "The Dragon" Wilson

If you haven't already surmised, Bloodfist is a shitty rip-off of Bloodsport.  The "Muscles from Brussels" "The Dragon" is a retired kick-boxer that enters an underground kick-boxing tournament in Hong Kong Manila in order to find his brother's murderer and avenge his death with his feet and stuff.  Oh yeah, and Billy Blanks.  He plays an evil fighter by the name of "Black Rose."  It's pretty much Bloodsport without the splits or the Van Damage.








Talons of the Eagle (1992)

Genre: Action
Codename: Tyler Wilson
Notable Co-stars: James "Lo Pan" Hong

After the notorious (I guess) Mr. Li (James Hong) kills a few DEA agents in Toronto (random), martial arts champion Tyler Wilson (BB) is sent to investigate (for some reason).  Oh wait, never mind.  The bad guys are participating in an underground martial arts tournament.  Wilson goes undercover and be-friends the nefarious Li in order to get the dibs on some shit and hopes to eventually not die while doing so.  I probably should have warned you that shit gets pretty intense from here.  Especially involving Billy's shirtless action posing VHS covers.  Look at that shine!  You can almost taste his funk.  Almost...






Back in Action (1993)

Genre: Action/Drama?

Codename: Billy?

Notable Co-Stars: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

This action-packed, buddy-cop romp stars Billy as Billy, the high-kicking ex-Green Beret older brother of some dumb ass girl who sleeps with a drug-dealer.  When the drug dealer is murdered, the sister is the only witness and the killers try to track her down.  Billy makes an "unlikely union" (not really) with a ballsy plain-clothed cop named Frank (Piper) who sometimes pile drives his perps.  There is not as much fire in this movie as the VHS cover suggests, but other than, it's pretty much exactly what it looks like.  Guns, pecks, high-waisted jeans, one-liners and Billy even cries a little, although you can't really tell when his face is always sweaty.  






TC 2000 (1993)

Genre: Action/Sci-fi

Codename: Jason Storm

Notable Co-stars: Bolo "Chinese Hercules" Yeung

In case you thought this would be a shitty RoboCop rip off, it is.  Unfortunately though, instead of cheap metal body implants (which I had crossed my fingers for) they pretty much imply they have robotically re-wired someone and then use some awful static screen as robo-vision for said robotically re-wired individual.  Oh and even though they lack metal parts, the robo-person can totally kick and punch really hard and do back flips, because as most of us know, robots are known for their grace and flexibility.  Anyhow, according to TC 2000 lore, by the year 2000, hippies have failed and "environmental overkill had come."  The surface of the Earth is gross so rich people started the Underworld colonies and poor people were left on the surface to start gangs.  You know, kind of like now.  Underworld enforcer Mason Storm Jason Storm (Blanks) finds out about a conspiracy by all the rich assholes in the underworld to kill off the surface people who are totally bringing their property values down.  He thinks this is janky so he goes rogue and in the process his hot blond partner is killed and becomes the robo-blond who back flips I mentioned before.  Thankfully, Bolo shows up and helps Storm to stop the Underworld killers before they go all *Ghetto Blaster on the surface.  Everyone wins.  Except for the people that died.

*Referring to the 1989 action/urban warfare film about a middle-aged white dude that decides to kill and or maim all the Latino gang members in his parents neighborhood.  And yes, it is PAINFULLY racist.  Old white people boners commence.   

TEC Podcast: Episode 20: Hate, Hate, Exterminate!

Somehow we not only made it to the year 2011, but Episode 20 of TEC and to celebrate (sort of) we decided to watch a post-apocalyptic-Road Warrior-rip-off-feel-good romp from 1984 entitled, The New Barbarians, starring Fred "The Hammer" Williamson and a giant rape drill!  My guests for this episode are comedians/filmmakers/Adventure Buddies and Steel of Fire Warriors Travis Vogt and Kevin Clarke along with comedian and part-time leg model Solomon Georgio! Shoulder pads, G-strings and boob domes galore! Also, prepare to be hear the word rape, a lot.

*You can download this and all TEC Podcast Episodes at our Podbean site.

B-Movie Trailer Of The Day!

Sort of.  Enjoy the first five minutes of 1983's Warrior of the Lost World.  Come for the Paper Chase guy, stay for the Megaweapon.

The Nevermind, Rewind Cinematic Turd of the Week

The Nevermind, Rewind movie of the week was actually recommended to my heterosexual roommate/romantic partner by a friend/video store employee.  Generally this friend and I have similiar cinematic taste, except for maybe the extended diner dialogue scenes of Quentin Tarantino, but on that we'll just have to agree to disagree.  Anybut, the movie this week that I failed to finish was 1986's America 3000, directed by David Engelbach, the writer of such classics as Over the Top and Death Wish II.  America 3000 was Engelbach's one and only film in the director's chair, the rest of his resume includes the aforementioned films and an episode of MacGuyver.  This movie seemed to initially have a lot of potential, it is set in the post-apocalyptic world of Colorado, 900 years into the future after the future American nuclear holocaust.  Humans live nomadic existences in tribes ruled by "Amazon" women.  Apparently the female tribal leaders are totally bitchy and the men are mostly stupid, kept as slaves or "couplers" which I guess are the decent looking ones with attractive penises.  Hopefully they keep track of this genepool and don't later accidentally bone their sons.   Apparently there are two characters who are averagely smart and decide to break free and hope to teach the women to love again so they can put thoses bitches back in the kitchen I guess.  Sounds pretty good so far, right?  Of course, this information is all from the description on the back of the tape. 

The actual movie does involve girls with whips and dim-witted slave guys that are separated in groups of "slaves" and "couplers," but other than that, I really had no fucking clue what was going on in this thing.  The set blew major coupler cock and the almost all the scenes just draaaaaggg on.  This is the post-apocalypse assholes!  Where's the action?  At least put on some rollerblades or build a Thunder Dome or form a rape gang or something.  I got about twenty minutes deep into this one before I turned it off.  It could have been my fatigue and or the alcohol, but I was less than entertained.  It seems to have potential though so maybe I'll revisit this one in the future just to be sure, then again, it will most likely be on a night when I'm tired and drinking (also known as every night).    

B-Movie Trailer of the Day

The magic.  The mystery.  The adventure.  Solarbabies.  From glorious 1986 and "starring" Lukas Haas and Peter DeLuise.

Ultra Warrior (1990)Dir. Augusto Tamayo San Roman & Kevin TrentGenre: Action/Post Apocalypse

The weak and the old people were killed, often cut in half.

This just might be one of the shorter film reviews that I put on the blog simply due to the fact that not only was this film pretty difficult to follow, but it was on VHS so I couldn't take any screen caps and not surprisingly, there are no real clips or pictures available online.  Boo.  The good news is, Ultra Warrior, though a mind blowingly shitastic shit fest of a post-apocalypse film, is actually kind of entertaining and more importantly, absolutely watchable.  Here is a link to the trailer.

Ultra Warrior tells the story of a "World War III" era post-apocalyptic planet, where the nuclear fallout has caused most of the world population to become deformed mutants (unless they are the main character's love interest, then they just have a few scars).  The mutants, most of them good at heart allegedly, must battle the remaining humans in order to survive, including the evil human overlord, The Bishop, whose full time job is destroying all mutants.  A group of kind-hearted "Muties" is lead by some crusty wise old man that goes only by Uncle (dirty) and taught to follow a particular prophecy that involves a day when he dies and the Muties will be lead by a human man who embodies the spirit of the "white wolf" named...White Wolf, or something, who will lead them to defeat the evil humans and at last, live in peace (but still be mostly hideously deformed or whatever).

R.I.P Dack Rambo (November 13, 1941 – March 21, 1994)

This savior, not surprisingly, turns out to be our main hero character, the rugged adventurer Kenner played by Dallas and Another World regular, Dack Rambo (one of the greatest dick names, EVER).  Before you get excited like I did, Dack Rambo is not Dack Rambo's real name.  It's actually Norman Jay Rambo.  Rambo is in fact his actual last name though.  Dack apparently had a twin brother who went by "Dirk" Rambo and whose actual name was Orman Ray Rambo.  Weird.  Sadly, his twin brother died in a tragic car accident in 1967, so there goes that menage fantasy you were just having.  Even more sad, Dack himself died in 1994 due to complications related to HIV.  Listen Dack, I know you were hot and all, but even dick's with invincible sounding dick names can catch AIDS, bro.  You will be missed.

Anyhow, Ultra Warrior.  Here is a top six list of some of the greatest random shit that happens in this thing in order to keep it awful/entertaining.

6.  The White Wolf Prophecy

Uncle has been, or at least we assume, telling the Muties (who he refers to as his "dear children") to look forward to one day being freed by their leader White Wolf when he returns from...wherever he said he was going for a long time.  It's a biblical Jesus rip-off, but most fantasy/action/sci-fi films have a Christ figure, it's just good storytelling.  Sorry, I took a Film as Lit class once.  As Uncle reminds the Muties of this prophecy, there are shots of what appears to be an Arctic Wolf, standing in this desert.  I don't know if they flew this thing in for this, but I'm not sure that Arctic Wolves can handle desert weather.  Then again, I doubt they had the budget to rent something from a zoo.  Also, I don't really know anything about the Arctic Wolf biology, so maybe they are Jesus figures that have been sent on our planet to eventually free deformed people and also love sunny weather.

   
5.  The Precious Element They Fight For Is Used To Make Pots

One of the SEVERAL random plot points of this movie, involves the struggle for the precious element Zirconium.  It's explained in Kenner's (Dack's) opening monologue (which is spoken by obviously another actor) that Zirconium had become a precious commodity after World War III, but he doesn't explain why.  All he does explain is that it's commonly used to make ceramic pots.  Later on though, a scientist figured out how to make an atomic bomb with it which is the reason Kenner came to the planet.  To look for more, with no tools, a cool jacket and his bare hands.  At least in Metal Storm, they made up some kind of mining tool for the important crystals which was obviously a spray painted super soaker, but still, I appreciated the effort.


4.  The AMAZING Dialogue

This shitberg is chock full of quotably ridiculous dialogue, it's just simply amazing.  In one of two (see No. 2 on this list) opening monologues, an unidentified British woman, perhaps the main Mutie love interest later in the film, is describing the horrible post-apocalyptic world she lives in.  First of all, she describes the place as being run by "...bohemians, pimps and thieves."  Interesting.  She also describes how the mean humans and mean mutants terrorize nice people which includes this awesome gem:

Narrator/Main Mutie Girl: "...The weak and the old were killed.  Often, they were cut in half."

WTF?  What the hell is the point of that?  I get being cruel bad-asses and all, but wouldn't that take a lot of work to cut an old, wrinkled, leathery-skinned body in half?  Maybe they used future swords which are sharper and can slice through skin, skulls, organs and bone.  Another great line involves the supposed telepath of the Muties.  She's pretty much just a skinny white girl with pancake makeup on.  The main Mutie love interest says this when explaining to Kenner the girl's powers:

Main Mutie Girl: "...She knows what other people are thinking.  That's why we call her Radio."

Um, okay.  I get it, radios pick up several frequencies and so...whatever.  Stupid metaphor.  At one point the main Mutie girl is explaining the story of the Muties to Kenner, even though we the viewers already had to sit through two monologues explaining it.  When Kenner speaks of leading them to freedom, which he is reluctant to do because he doesn't really give a shit, the main Mutie girl says:

Main Mutie Girl: "...Freedom was a grasp away, but a grasp is only a grasp."

Straight to the point.  I couldn't have said it better myself if I were a mutant slave girl.  One of my favorite pieces of dialogues comes from Kenner, who after SPOILER freeing the Muties and making the world a great happy place again says this inspirational line to....somebody:

Kenner: "...The soul of a man is not measured by the height of his hat or the width of his shoe.  Indeed it's not."

Is that a stolen quote from some other retard?  I can't really tell.  Is soul another word for dick?  Also, unclear, but then again, so is this entire film.      

3.  Dirty Old Uncle Pimping Out The Girl Muties To Dack's Dick    

"Get off yo asses you Mutie bitches and make me that paper!"

By far the best random and best scene in this movie, is when Uncle decides realizes that Kenner is in fact the White Wolf of the prophecy sent to fee all the Muties.  Uncle must go and die now, but first he decides to encourage all the Mutie women to fuck Kenner.  In fact, he considers carrying Kenner's "seed" which I think means being his cum bucket, an honor.  In the scene, crusty old Uncle reveals Kenner's true prophetic nature to the Muties.  He then turns his attention to the Mutie ladies and says the following, comforting, loving words you would only expect to hear from your elderly Uncle:


Uncle:  "...One of you will be chosen to carry his seed.  Do this willingly with passion and great gusto."

That's right ladies.  Go for the gusto.

 
2.  The Insane Amount of Flashbacks and Monologues

Most of this film is told through monologue and flashbacks.  In fact, the first twenty minutes consists of monologues told by the two main characters, Kenner and the Mutie girl.  Every time a character is introduced, they almost immediately go into a five to ten minute flashback sequence.  You can't run into any asshole in this film without them saying their name and fading away to their origin story.  Don't even bother to ask a question.  Those flashbacks are even longer.


1.  The Overuse of OBVIOUS Stock Footage

Probably the single most greatest thing about this film, is it's COMPLETE reliance on stock footage from OTHER films.  Ultra Warrior often seems like you're watching a different movie every twenty minutes.  If you feel that way, it's because you actually are.  I did some online research and found that this film is infamous for using stock footage from several movies including but not limited to, Lords of the Deep, Dune Warriors and Battle Beyond the Stars.  I recognized at least one film for sure in the opening sequence.  I kept getting a feeling of deja vu.  Hadn't I seen this movie before?  Then I recognized what was completely unmistakable footage from the space battle sequences and opening of Battle Beyond The Stars, an amazingly shitty Star Wars rip-off.

It's like boning in a huge vagina. Cozy.

The first Kenner sex scenes was so OBVIOUSLY not from the same movie or even the same characters, it is completely laughable.  Kenner, who is somewhat skinny and has short brown hair, leaves some space bar with some random older-looking lady he knows some how who has long black hair.  Then, all of a sudden, they're writhing around in pink satin sheets and are apparently doing it.  You never see their faces, but suddenly they both have perfect tan bodies, Kenner is suddenly buff and the lady lost about ten years.  Also, Kenner is now a long blond and the lady has curly brown hair.  It's so awesomely ridiculous.  Actually, I would have preferred they did something this stupid for all the unnecessary sex scenes in The Room.  That shit was just gross.

I not only absolutely recommend this movie for shitty movie lovers, but I also propose a drinking game.  Every time you see stock footage, take a drink.  Every time a white wolf is mentioned, take a drink.  Every time there is a flashback sequence, take a drink.  Every time Kenner has sex, two drinks...and so on and so forth.  Whoever is left standing, is in fact the Ultra Warrior!  Sounds like a perfect Tuesday Friday night to me.

Storytelling Flashbacks: 8
Shoulder Pads: 18
Explosions: 2
Small-Titted Strippers: 5
Four-Tittied Strippers: 1 
Random Sexual Encounters: 3
Ugly Ass Women: 5
Eagles: 1
Separate Actors in a Sex Scene: 1
Shitty Dubbing: 4
Mentions of Sun Block: 6
Times the Action Scenes Seemed to Run Out of Money: 4
Arctic Wolves: 1
Times Kenner Wants a Beer: 3

TEC Podcast: Episode 6: I Didn't Know She Was 15!

On this barely legal, under age episode of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast, I bring you 1983's Spacehunter: Adventures in Molly Ringwald's the Forbidden Zone in unintentional 2-D!  Though I generally do a preview for each podcast episode, this one, in true intentional 3-D fashion, needs to just be all up in yo face!  Spacehunter: AITFZ, stars an underage Molly Ringwald as Nikki, a young rebellious space waif who just got her boobies and Peter Strauss as Wolff, our chiseled hero!  Also, Michael Ironside as the bald baddie Overdog, who lives on a crane!  Also, Ernie Hudson is in it sometimes.  Wolff, a middle-aged Earther/alleged adventurer decides to seek a bounty promised after the rescue of three pretty Earther ladies who have been kidnapped by the crane-aided Overdog so he can suck their boobies life essence!  Along the way he finds dirty little scav Nikki who he forces into a sponge bath and eventually shares a tin foil sleeping bag with.  Uncomfortable yet?  See the trailer below!

Crane mounting and claw hands, the mobility of the future!

 It gets better!  On this trip to the unknown reaches of Utah space, I brought along with me comedian and co-founder of Seattle's own Peoples Republic of Comedy, Mr. Emmett "Mustache" Montgomery as well as comedian, Comedy Underground co-host and co-podcaster (Delicious Mediocrity), Mr. Joe "He Fucking Goes There" Henry!  Personal boundaries are tested, boners discussed and I bring the podcast to a stand still while managing to disturb Emmett and make Joe speechless!  A must hear feat Enemaniacs!

                            

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

After all cops are dead...this one's still kickin'.  I give you 1991's Karate Cop!

TEC Reader Submitted B-Movie Trailer of the Day:Future Force (1989)

The late David Carradine and a Nintendo Power Glove sort of kick ass and kind of take names.

Submitted by Enematic Cinematic Reader Pasteyboy!

The Great (Sort of) VHS Cover Art Swindle!

Not unlike a dog and squirrels or "challenged" people and shiny things, I am easily aroused entertained by VHS cover art.  In this new fangled, better version of photo-shop, digital world we live, it has truly become a lost medium.  From literal depictions of film titles to guys with guns in front of explosions to half naked women falling victim to something (come on, you should have known being thin with boobs was a poor adult decision), these masterpieces were the selling point of every straight to video turd.  If the stars weren't notable, the hackey video art was the only way to draw in a viewer.  Unfortunately, this leads to several instances of false advertising.  Picking movies by art alone is sort of a video store Russian roulette, except rather than shooting yourself in the face, you free up an hour and a half of your evening.  Both are equally awkward.  Viewer beware, here are some prime examples of the times I've been straight up bullshitted by VHS cover art.

Dream Maniac (1986)

I'm not sure why I was pulled in by this one...actually, I know.  There is a bald lady getting all stabby with a giant knife on the front!  Also, a warning of "too gory for the silver screen"!  Also, naked people! According to the back cover, the plot involves a heavy metal musician who sells his soul to a devil lady, I'm sorry, a "succubus" in exchange for getting girls.   Sounds awesome, right?  Book of lies!  In real life, the movie is about a boring dude who likes heavy metal that invites some friends over to his house for a party or something.  Oh wait, before they come over his boring guy boner brings forth a devil woman that he dreams about having sex with.  Then said average looking succubus in tight clothes goes around the party and starts killing people off.  Despite a blow job turning into a dick eating scene (which I saw coming, PUN!), the kills aren't that great.  Another missing plot point, the main character guy has a girlfriend so there goes the whole hooking up with chicks thing.  Also, you just can't wait for all these assholes at the party to be killed.  There is blood and there are boobs, but it's hardly worth it.  Dead giveaways this was to be avoided, the shitty tag line, the Elm Street rip-off tie-in and most obvious, note regarding "made-for-video feature film."  Like I said, the knife looked shiny!           

Mutant Hunt (1987)

In the future, man creates replicants mutants, mutants are inputted with microchips by one smart and or super mutant and turned into killers.  This is no bueno, so man must start an elite force of cops known as Blade Runners Mutant Hunters to retire murder all the free-thinking, advanced mutants.  Sounds vaguely familiar, plus, giant robot arm!  Let's rent it!  Though this movie starts out well enough...the special mutant hunter cop is at home with a lady and a bunch of cock blocking mutants drop in to kill him.  He shoots them and kicks them all dead (the action isn't as cool as I just made it sound) and then his lady gets shot.  Turns out, she was just a mutant prostitute so he doesn't really care.  This is followed by more wooden acting, bad shooting skills, long pauses and dark, un-futuristic sets all filmed in different corners of the same parking garage.  No robot arm and no real gore.  I turned it off after forty minutes though, so maybe it picks up near the middle.  If you notice any similarities to Dream Maniac, it's because they were produced by the same people.  These guys know how to bullshit a simple mind.  I mean look at the robot arm, it's SO big!  Pass this one if for some reason you come across it. 

Spookies (1986)

A young boy runs away from home because he thinks his family forgot his birthday.  He ends up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should.  A group of thirty year-olds teenagers are on a road trip and take a wrong turn.  They end up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should.  Are they all there to spend a night and win a bet?  No.  Is their host murdered and they suspect each other as they all drop one by one until the mystery is solved?  No.  Are Vincent Price or Tim Curry involved at all?  Possibly.  This movie was apparently an excuse to do a lot of puppet work and make-up jobs.  All that trouble and it turns out okay, I guess.  The blond on the cover does not show until the end and she is fully covered and some one's wife.  The movie itself is a lot of, what the fuck is going on?  According to the Internet, this film was originally shot as two separate films and then expertly edited together.  Some things explode, quips are made, girls get scared and ashy hands come out of the ground.  Meh.  Sitting through the "teenage" couple dialogue and the supposed plot as a filler every ten minutes between each possessed granny/cat creature starts to wear on your nerves, even if booze are involved. 

Robot Ninja (1989)

I probably don't have to explain this one.  Robot?  Check.  Ninja?  Check.  Comic book artist is given the powers of his creation by a scientist who wants to help him robot ninja kill a gang of local rapists?  Fucking check.  Anything like it promises to be whatsoever?  Uncheck!  Uncheck!  A shitty struggling comic artist witnesses a couple being killed and the girl half of them getting brutally molested in the parking lot of a bowling alley or video store or something.  He feels bad about this.  Possibly because he thinks rape and murder are gross.  Possibly because he did absolutely nothing at all to help.  Either way, a friend of his builds a Shredder/VR Trooper suit for him so he can get the jerks back with some sharp robot ninja revenge.  Turns out, though he inadvertently through a series of chain events gets at least one of them killed, he mostly gets his ass beaten, becomes addicted to pills and gets his scientist friend killed eventually.  Robot Ninja FAIL! 

Thunder Warrior (1983)

A young Italian Native American man returns home to his reservation to find the asshole white locals are building a mall on an ancient native burial ground.  Though the land is theirs (all of it) and the tribe has a treaty to prove it, the townsfolk are not letting up.  Our hero attempts to peacefully negotiate with a one man sit-in at the police station and instead is met with beatings and racial slurs.  The point of the movie is he exacts revenge on these deserving racist hillbillies.  The problem is, this revenge takes an hour to start happening.  I understand it was the same in First Blood (aka Rambo), but our Italian Stallion Thunder Warrior barely says a word throughout the whole fucking movie.  The story is mostly told through the eyes of the somewhat less racist white sheriff who is in fact, not Brian Dennehy!  Though some damage is eventually committed with a bow and arrow (obviously), it just takes WAY too painfully long to get there with no actual back story of the main character like, I don't know, a tour in Nam or something?  Somehow this movie managed to spawn several sequels with different Italian leads and different sweet covers.  Maybe I'll skip to the third one next time. 

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1985)

This ambitious 80's sci-fi musical (yes, I said sci-fi) starred some actual familiar faces.  Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed) and that spunky petite pixie Pia Zadora (stuff).  Robot alien things land on Earth in search of "the rock and roll" and instead, find these assholes and their friends dancing on the beach.  This movie promises camp and instead delivers awkward boring dance sequences and some of the most painful fake alien dialogue you will ever sit through.  I'm not lying.  It hurts SO bad.  Also, Pia looks like she could be her boyfriend's mom.  If she was, at least they would actually have something to sing about.  Oh yeah and did I mention Jermaine Jackson as in Michael's older brother is in it?  When Jermaine Jackson saves your shitberg of a film, you've got some serious problems.  But Jesus, isn't Pia Zadora totally adorable?!?

Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)

Originally released in 3-D, this sci-fi western epic doesn't translate as watchable in two dimensions.  I'm not even sure if it was cool when shit flying at the screen actually had a point.  After three separate attempts to sit through it, I've never gotten past the first twenty minutes.  I hear Bull from Night Court is in it, so it's got that going for it.  Understandably, booze are always involved when this thing goes in the ol' VCR/DVD combo, but even the black and white High Noon could keep my drunken attention.  Perhaps I'll revisit this review once I actually watch it. 

KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)

This one got me less on cover art and more based on the story line.  KISS plays a concert at a theme park that unbeknownst to KISS is run by a diabolical mad man that plans on killing everyone with his faulty rides or possibly lasers!  KISS must stop this!  If fans die, who will pay for their Herpes medication?  They've got bills man!  What really happens is a couple of average teens hang out with friends and we follow them around, watching part of the KISS concert and stumbling upon the mad park owner's mad park laboratory.  It's like a dog-less, weed-less, jankies-less Scooby-Doo episode.  The part the KISS participates in, which involves the kicking of the mad park manager with their high heels is amusing, but the hour and a half before that happens is SO goddamn boring!  If you must rent this on camp factor or if, God help you, you're a KISS fan, then fast forward to the end.  You won't miss anything.

Dead Dudes in the House (1991)

Ah, the best for last.  This film was the most egregious of all offenders.  Why?  Because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on the cover is in the movie.  Except maybe a house.  There is one of those.  So, if you think, as I did, that you're renting a campy flick about Color Me Badd going on a haunted, wacky vacation then you would be so wrong.  This piece of shit was brought to us by none other than hit and miss Troma Films. Not a single one of the "dudes" on the cover is in the movie.  It is actually a co-ed group of average twenty somethings who are definitely NOT in a band. Pretty much Troma picked up the distribution rights to a boring slasher/haunted house cliche and tried to re-roll the turd in a more agreeable turd cover in order to make money on it.  Well, I suppose it worked on some level because I, in fact, did waste my money on this simply due to the ironic 90's packaging.  I was so pissed when I watched this thing that I thought about writing some passive aggressive e-mail complaint to Troma about false advertising and how I wanted my five dollars (okay, more like three) back.  After I had a nap and ate some pudding though, I felt much better.