It's a very special birthday episode of TEC: LIVES!! featuring the still-moving corpses of me, co-host TRAVIS VOGTand birthday boy, co-host KEVIN CLARKE! To celebrate Kevin's special day, we made people watch 1990's weird-ass Gremlins rip-off,MUNCHIES! Plus, we welcomed film critic, Scarecrow Video rep and friend of the people, MATT LYNCH! Expect disingenuous birthday wishes, Pizza Hut puppet memories, Chuck Norris nostalgia and cake raps!
Top o' the morning to ya, Enemaniacs! It's Episode 69 and we've got an Irish goodbye that you won't soon forget, thanks to Clive Barker, the 80's and a Danzig dick monster that will haunt your dreams aka 1986's horror/accidental comedy, RAWHEAD REX!
When an ancient dick beast/demon is unearthed in rural Ireland, the
emerald Isle comes under attack with only the help of a wise-cracking
sweater-wearing American to save them! But don't worry, they have
metaphors, inaccurate religious history and female stereotypes on their
side! Along for this sacrilegious soiree is our special guest for March,
comedian and possible Irish person, TYLER SCHNUPP! Expect a lot of cock talk, kiss hate, piss baths and more mentions of potatoes than you can shake a potato at!
In the futuristic future, we bring you space Episode 58 with an epic
space tale of sweat and sorrow courtesy of 1989 sci-fi/fantasy/sports
saga film ARENA,
about a human Earth man who goes from short order cooking to fighting
for the champion space title of the space arena in space year 4038! It
will be a legendary battle of man vs. monster, eyes vs. brain, booze vs.
booze and more! Joining us on the journey of space self-discovery is
special guest comedian,RYAN CASEY. Expect deadly robot impressions, voice-over trivia, monster jock strap raps and our very own human future, revealed!
Each year, as the futuristic future looms ahead and most of us prepare
for the inevitable world 1980's apocalypse that will force everyone to
live in "New Arizona," drive quads and wear mohawks, the fortune telling
gypsies at Empire Pictures were hard at work at a vision of things to
come, aka 1989's straight-to-video sci-fi non-classic, ARENA! Taking
place in the foreseeable year of 4038, our prime entertainment is the
Arena fighting match, pitting alien against
alien...that is until Earth man/short order cook Steve Armstrong gets a
chance in the ring. Will Steve be the first humanoid Arena champion
since the last one? Will the blonde lady he likes intercourse him?
Will the actors boxing in the alien suits die of heat stroke? Only time
(and this terrible movie) will tell!
Hosted by: ELICIA SANCHEZ (Comedian/TEC Creator/Lover of Tackiness) Co-hosts: TRAVIS VOGT & KEVIN CLARKE (Comedians/Filmmakers/Major Movie Nerds) Technical Adviser/DJ: MARK "PRODUCER MARK" ALLENDER (Artist/Cartoonist/Producer Of Things)
with
Special guest
RYAN CASEY
(Champion Comedian/Humanoid/Bear Boxer)
PLUS trivia w/prizes from The White Rabbit, Scarecrow Video and Ugly
Baby Shower Art!! Specially themed cocktails to help you make it through
that last round and a brawling good time!!
Doors @ 7:30
Show starts @ 8:00 PM
Be sure to come early and enjoy some awful movie trailers!!
*Every second Tuesday of the month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The
Enematic Cinematic LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of
watching a shitty movie with friends, strangers and booze, combined with
a live taping of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live
audience person and featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and
general randoms off the street in town! COME for the horribly shitty
movie w/comedic commentary and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast
taping LIVE! NO COVER!
"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com "Interesting."--Vern, AintItCoolNews.com "Cleansing?"--Lindy West, Jezebel.com
"You know, my mother told me to never deck a lady, but she didn't say shit about a cannibal!"
Mothers. Can't live without them (literally), but also can't convince
them to stop eating your baby brother! Ugh, childhood. With Mother's Day firmly in the rear view mirror at the time of this episode, we've decided to dedicate this month's show to mothers
everywhere with a super special, super bloody Mayday Mother's Day TEC
LIVES featuring a horror comedy crapfest about some suburban moms with
uncontrollable carnivorous kid cravings, 1988's FLESH EATING MOTHERS!
It's matriarchal mayhem rated 3B for Blood, Beasts and Barely Watchable
Content! Along for the guilt trip are as always, your host and TEC creator, the very matronly ELICIA SANCHEZ, your co-hosts, filmmakers and reputable mama's boys TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE and special guest, comedian and known non-mom, MONICA
NEVI! Enjoy drink specials and drink prizes, gifts from sponsors Scarecrow Video and Ugly Baby Shower Art and a conceivably good time! So be sure to sit up straight, eat all your vegetables, stop making
that face and don't forget to call your mother!
Doors @ 7:30 Show starts @ 8:00 PM
Be sure to come early and enjoy some weird ass movie clips and awful movie trailers!!
*Every second Tuesday of the month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The
Enematic Cinematic LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of
watching a shitty movie with friends, strangers and booze, combined with
a live taping of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live
audience person and featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and
general randoms off the street in town! COME for the horribly shitty
movie w/comedic commentary and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast
taping LIVE! NO COVER!
"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com "Interesting."--Vern, AintItCoolNews.com "Cleansing?"--Lindy West, Jezebel.com
Love is in the air, along with the sweet aroma of a street hardened
Scott Valentine, vegetarian meats and low self-esteem. That's right,
it's a very February TEC Episode 54, recorded live at The White Rabbit in Fremont, post a full-on screening of 1987's horror rom-com, MY DEMON LOVER! Poor Kaz (Scott Valentine)
has been cursed as a "pisotski," meaning he can't get turned on,
without turning into a demon! Luckily this is just up the alley of local
door mat Denny, who is just looking for love in all the wrong trash
cans. Will these two crazy kids find a way to make it work? Find out,
along with the TEC Crew and this month's special guest, comedian/cabaret performer/much beloved Seattle drag superstar, ANITA GOODMANN! Expect Scott ValentinePlaygirl spread secrets, advice to the home challenged charmers in the world, scandalous details on the long term 'partnership' of TRAVIS and KEVIN and a hellish devil worshiping rap off that will possibly leave you questioning the existence of God!
It's Episode 50 and another installment of the much hullabalooed LIVE
version of the show! For this month, we watched horrible horror
anthology, 1990's THE WILLIES starring poodles, a bed of maggots, Sean
Astin and inappropriate janitorial staff! Our special guest for the
show is comedian, craft guy and warlock, DOUGLAS GALE! Unfortunately,
but not surprisingly, we ran into some more technical difficulties with
this one, causing the recording to cut very short, so consider this
mini-sode as more of a teaser trailer to what should lead to you coming
out and see us LIVE!
"Honey, hurry up before
your dinner wakes up again!"
Though Mother's Day is in May, here at The Enematic Cinematic, we believe mothers should be celebrated/feared all the year round and what better way to celebrate mothers than to associate them with other worldly, bone chewing, blood sucking, wallet emptying sub-creatures! You know, cause like that's what women do. Metaphors! Plus, let's not leave out those underrated lower level, poison apple feeding, money-grubbing, barf bags, aka Stepmothers! Cause, you know, someone has to fuck Dad after Mom dies of breast cancer!
Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.
Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible). Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien." Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)! Hooray! Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies! Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!
3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)
Feminist Tagline:"She's gorgeous and she's never been kissed. Needless to say, she's from a different planet." Starring(?):Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor:5 out of 10
Kim Basingerplays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life. Yeah. What a bitch. Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to. Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste'sBasingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.
"What? This hat is like, all the rage on planet European Voguearth."
I mean, she dresses WAY too 80's, even for the 80's and doesn't know how to do normal stuff like eat food and give hand jobs. What kind of Basinger doesn't know how to give a hand job? Also, she noticed Celeste talking to a penis-shaped alien in her purse. That was probably the clencher. Of course Dad is way too enthused about this woman being clearly out of his league and dismisses Jessie's facts as childhood jealousy. Bummer. Don't worry though, Jessie has a lovable yet bungling uncle (Jon Lovitz) and a brace-faced beau (Seth Green) to share her woes with about the possible end of the world. They don't listen to her either, actually.
Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as
familiar with the busting of aliens.
Eventually Celete's alien status is discovered by Steven, (who some how didn't see it coming despite the fact she kisses him while doing a pelican dance and can read a book with her hand) and just in time because the alien horde is descending and Celeste has got some hard decisions to make. Return to BasingerSexiter where she will remain young, blonde and Baldwin-less forever or stay in Citytown, married to a bloating Dan Aykroyd with mothering responsibilities to a fiery-tempered nosey gingeresque. This could go either way, but I think you know which road she takes. I rate this Movie Mom Monster a 5 for being fairly creepy only due to her alien penis companion, but the fact that she softens up and falls in love is a total pussy move.
2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)
Feminist Tagline:"Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis." Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor:8 out of 10
Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife. Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid. Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom. During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon. The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf. Like, seriously in real life. What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time. Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.
At least you don't have to blow your bloated husband anymore?
Now, Leslie has to deal with being a boring housewife and a bloodthirsty killer! While most people might find this exciting, Leslie is all concerned about her armpits getting too hairy and killing her family by accident and stuff. Meanwhile, her precocious young daughter (not Alyson Hannigan), Jennifer has started noticing her mom is either turning into a non-recycling hippie, or a mythical beast of the night. Luckily she has a weirdo goth friend (not Corey Feldman) who knows a thing or two about monster symptoms. Their premonitions are backed by an ominous future prediction given to them by a fortune-telling, bad-accented Ruth Buzzi (who is in this movie for some reason). Now it's up to Jennifer to stop her mom's rampaging hormones and bathtub drain clogging before it's too too late! Of course in fun, friendly family romp like this, it never is really. I give this Movie Mom Monster an 8 out of 10 because werewolves scare THE SHIT out of me and the werewolf makeup when the mom gets more beasty is actually kind of Teen Wolf good.
1. Stepmonster (1993)
Feminist Tagline:"She's not just a bad mother. She's hazardous to your health!" Starring(?):Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor:10 out of 10
Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise. On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits. As in, growling and chewing bones. When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur). Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.
Till your wife clawing you open and sucking your bones do you part.
The goriest of the campy, mom monster genre, it's viewable level is aided by the smarmy Alan Thicke as the clueless dad, the showering Ami Dolenz (of The Monkees sperm bank fame) and The Lost Boys revisited scene stealing of a drugged up Corey Feldman, pre-emulating Michael Jackson years. Also, the stepmom creature looks like a giant Gremlin (FUCK!) and although the effects aren't really scary, having a human-eating monster for a stepmom is probably the more frightening of all the mom monster scenarios. Therefore, I give this movie a whopping 10 out of 10Movie Mom Monster rating.
I did not go into 1988's The Brain with high expectations. All I really expected was to see a giant alien brain puppet eating people. No more, no less. That is exactly what I got. What I didn't expect was one of the most obnoxious group of characters possibly in any movie, ever. Not obnoxious in an entertaining way either. The kind of people that you are just rooting for to die. The only people I actually wanted the brain puppet to eat, it doesn't. The plot is fairly simple and exactly like somewhat similar to Invasion of the Body Snatchers. A pseudo-psychiatrist in a small town, creepy Dr. Blakely (played by Re-Animator's creepy decapitated doctor, David Gale) hosts a popular public access show called ironically (that will make sense later), Independent Thinking. Many of the town's parents send their wayward teens to Dr. Blakely's research facility in the hopes of curing their waywardness. What they don't know, is Dr. Blakely isn't curing shit. In fact, he's housing a giant killer alien monster brain that he's using to control every one's brain waves through his television show! Not only that, but (SPOILER, not really) Dr. Blakely himself is in fact an alien made of slime and worms disguised in a human meat suit! So far, so good.
Where this goes awry is the main characters/heroes of the film. It's your standard teenage couple, Jim, the wise-talking sex-obsessed James Deanesque boyfriend and Janet, the squeaky clean, I'm waiting for college, screams all the time and gets easily captured girlfriend (what part of STAY HERE do these bitches not understand?!?). Smart-ass Jim gets in trouble in school and is forced by his parents to see Dr. Blakely for his behavioral problems. This is when he finds out the good Doctor has a hot European assistant with nice boobs and oh, he's not really a doctor. The rest of the film involves he and Janet trying to convince other people in town that Dr. Blakely is not what he seems, but unfortunately they have both been framed for the murders committed by the monster brain so no one really listens.
Here's where the mildly entertaining moves into incredibly infuriating. These two assholes have to be the fucking stupidest fugitives of ALL time. First of all, they never feel the need to actually run from anything or at least not a very accelerated speed. Although Janet has seen the killer brain eat a guy with her own two eyes, she refuses to believe that the brain is actually controlling minds. Is that really too far fetched at this point? She decides to call her Dad, an avid watcher of Independent Thinking after Jim explicitly tells her not to. Obviously, this leads the doctor's ONE goon directly to them. Oh yeah, so Dr. Blakely has a giant alien brain to do his bidding, but only ONE fucking goon to do all his killing.
Then the two lovers decide to hide out at their high school which I guess Jim has the keys to, it's never explained. Then they decide to bone just in time before the goon shows up. Janet starts watching the show on some monitor in a classroom and turns on Jim. He is CONFUSED by this and isn't sure why she's turned against him even though he caught her watching the show and he was the one that theorized this is how Dr. Blakely is controlling people's brain waves. AHH! After a slow speed highway chase, Jim actually shakes the fuzz and Blakely's goon. He escapes into the woods only to RETURN to town where EVERYONE is looking for him and just walks around busy streets wondering why people are starring at him. He even goes to Blakely's facility which I guess makes sense since he obviously thinks he should destroy the killer brain, but while there he enters a room full of Independent Thinking watchers and is once again, surprised why they don't listen to reason. I know horror movies are full of stupid people. If they weren't, the movie wouldn't last an hour, but seriously, the dumb things this couple does and says is beyond horror movie stupidity and just moves straight into mental disability. I made it up to the end, but does it really matter? Guess what, Jim destroys the giant brain puppet on a dolly and the couple stays in love and goes off to college. Meh.
In case you just so happen to be the type that prefers camp over creep, here are some of my favorite horror movies you can watch alone and not feel the need to lock a door.
House (Hausu-original Japanese title) (1977)
This wacky acid-trip of a Japanese ghost horror movie is possibly one of the most bizarre things you will ever see. It tells the story of a young girl who upon finding out that her widowed father is planning to marry his new girlfriend, decides to spend a summer with her deceased mother's sister who she has never met. She invites along a group of her wacky schoolmates, all with personality defining nicknames such as Kung Fu (who knows kung fu), Fantasy (who imagines things a lot) and Prof (who wears glasses). Her Aunt's mansion is old and beautiful and the girls are excited to settle in for a summer in the country side, that is until bizarre shit starts to happen. This includes dancing skeletons, puking paintings and a floating severed head. This movie is a must see. Prepare for some of the weirdest film making your eyeballs have ever witnessed.
Monster Club (1980)
Definitely one of my all time favorite movies, The Monster Club stars veteran horror actor Vincent Price, aka Vince the Prince and/or Vinnie the P as aging vampire Eramus who after attacking a fellow elderly on the streets of London, realizes that the man is none other than R. Chetwynd-Hayes, his favorite horror novelist (played by fellow horror veteran, John Caradine). After many apologies and assurances he only drank enough of R.'s blood for sustenance rather than for vampiric transformation, he invites the author to his favorite local haunt in order to repay him. R. agrees in the hopes of meeting some of his writing subjects up close and personal so he may use the valuable information in later novels. They head over for an evening at the aptly titled, Monster Club where Eramus tells R. three separate tales involving different monsters. One a film director that stumbles upon a real-life village of ghouls, one about two con artists that attempt to steal from a wealthy Shadmock (a ghoul hybrid) and one goofy story involving a boy growing up with a vampire for a father and which also stars Donald Pleaseance. The stories are broken up in between with musical performances at the club such a new wave vampire band that sings, "I'm Just a Sucker For Your Love" and a stripper who strips down to her bones. It's pretty fucking awesome. If you can find the Thriller Video version with Elvira as the host, it's even better!
The Suckling (1990)
Not based on a true story nor any logical form of science, I'm not sure if this movie has a subtle political motive behind it, either way it's still pretty hilarious. The Suckling tells the story of a teenage couple who visit a back alley abortion clinic which also happens to be in a whore house. The girl chickens out last minute, so her boyfriend naturally drugs her and has the abortion performed while she is out. Nice. The fetus is dropped down the toilet where it comes in contact with toxic waste and rises back out of the toilet, into the whore house and begins to kill everything in it's path. It even eventually envelops the entire place in it's own giant womb. Whatever your thoughts on the whole abortion thing, this is pretty great stuff. Funnier to me even, is that when you type this film into IMDb, it suggest the movie Juno as another film you may want to watch. Ha!
Frankenhooker (1990)
This wacky sci-fi rom com is about Jersey medical school drop out Jeff, who is obsessed with the possibility of reanimating the dead and is given the golden opportunity when his fiancee is accidentally mauled to death by his own invention, a remote-controlled lawn mower. He decides to try and bring his lady love back from the dead and in order to do so, keeps her severed head alive until he can find the perfect body. He eventually settles on the body parts of hookers whom he kills by tempting them with a "super crack" drug he invented which causes them all to explode. Unfortunately, after his new girlfriend is stitched up, her body parts are up to their old "tricks" (pun) and Jeff must find her and stop her from selling her new body on the street, which by the way, accidentally kills dudes with it's electrified limbs. Not only that, but he has a really buff pimp on his tale and the police. What is a wacky Jersey scientist to do?
Bio-Zombie (1998)
Hong Kong's very own Dawn of the Dead, Bio-Zombie is about two losers who spend their days hocking cheap electronics at their local mall and then are suddenly thrust into the midst of a zombie invasion. A government weapon disguised as a simple soft drink, actually contains bio-chemical weapons that turn whoever drinks it into flesh-eating zombies. Our two mall rats come across a car accident where the victim is carrying the brief case with the drink. Thinking he needs something to drink, the two idiots force the drink down the man's throat who eventually becomes a zombie and follows them back to the mall. Then, not surprisingly, mall goers start dropping and then rising left and right and it's up to our two non-heroes to get out alive along with the girls they both have a boner for. Full of martial arts and wacky moments including a video-game type intro for the characters when they battle the zombies, Bio-Zombie is a fun and different sort of zombie movie with plenty of random laughs and a surprisingly dark ending.
Elvira, Mistress of the Dark (1988)
This campy horror comedy is possibly my favorite movie of all time. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the big-screen debut of horror hostess, Elvira (aka Cassandra Peterson) who while in dire need for money to fund her upcoming Vegas show, coincidentally hears of her Great Aunt Morgana's death and journeys to the small town of Falwell, Massachusetts in the hopes of gaining a large inheritance. Unfortunately, not only does her car break down forcing her to stay in the quaint boring ass town, but she learns her only inheritance is a shitty old house, a poodle and a family recipe book. Her Great Uncle Vincent, a pretty smarmy devilish dude, seems rather perturbed he did not receive the book himself and tries to persuade Elvira to sell it. Initially she agrees, but after discovering her mother and aunt were actually witches and her mother was killed by Vincent in order to obtain the recipe book (which is actually a book of ancient spells), Elvira refuses, starting a battle with the powerful Vincent. Not only does our lovely heroine have to deal with a creepy warlock of a Uncle, but the Morality Club of Falwell is fixing to get her out by any means necessary. Stew pot monsters, sexual innuendos and boobs galore! Okay, maybe the boobs are covered most of the time, but Elvira not only raps in the film, but she also performs her famous nipple tassel twirling routine! Sold! This movie was a staple at every slumber party I ever had growing up. No wonder girls started thinking I was a lesbian once I hit middle school.
All Hallow's Weiner is nearly upon us and to celebrate, I decided to compile a list of some of my favorite horror movies that are not only underrated, but may actually scare you. Not only that, but you they will most likely not be rented out of your local video store such as your more common horror fare around Halloween season. Listen, going out to the movies is expensive. Especially if you were planning on paying the five extra dollars to see your shitty movie in 3-D. So how about instead you save some pocket change, avoid social interaction, relax at home and curl up with a bowl of candy and a good horror movie on cassette with your video home system! That's what Halloween is all about!
The Dead Next Door (1988)
Perhaps one of the most underrated zombie movies of all time, The Dead Next Door is an independent, low-budget, small town, post-zombie apocalypse tale about an "elite" group of soldiers known as "The Zombie Squad" who have been enlisted by the United States government to seek and destroy any and all zombies they come across. Squad members not only have to drive around their Midwestern town and shoot mindless zombies all day, they also have to deal with the a religious cult who consider zombism a higher form of existence and are out to protect the zombies, sort of. Kind of like a misguided zombie PETA. Turns out though, the cult is really hiding a huge secret (religion and secrets? Blasphemy!) and the real reason the cult leader is attempting to save zombies is to capture them and perform tests on them in order to save his son who is secretly zombified. At some point in the film, one of the squad members is infected and the "Doc" back at government headquarters injects him with an experimental cure. All it achieves is to accelerate the zombification process and leave the infected guy completely lucid, which is pretty torturous considering he is slowly rotting and is forced to eat people's brain meat.
Made on an extremely low budget, filmed entirely in Akron, Ohio and financed with royalties from Evil Dead 2 by Sam Raimi himself, The Dead Next Door is one of my personal favorites. Many of the characters names are homages to horror kingpins with last names like Savini, Carpenter, Raimi and Romero. Even Bruce Campbell dubs the voices for two of the characters. This film isn't necessarily scary, but because it's so extremely low budget, the dialogue is mostly dubbed and many of the scenes are horribly lit and very dark. This works to enhance a lot of the zombie makeup and adds sort of a shadowy mystery to the atmosphere of the movie. It scared the shit out of me as a kid, especially the low-grade gore, but it's more creepy and unsettling now instead of scary. Check out the carnage below.
Bad Moon (1996)
Based off a novel entitled Thor and written and directed by the writer of the vampire film Near Dark, Bad Moon has to be, and I'm absolutely sure of this, THE MOST underrated werewolf film of ALL TIME, SPOILERS to follow. Basically it surrounds the story a photo journalist Ted, played by Michael Pare (Eddie and the Cruisers, Streets of Fire) who while on a expedition with his girlfriend in Nepal is attacked (in the middle of a graphic sex scene) by a cock-blocking werewolf. His girlfriend is killed and he is scarred, but survives. He then decides to take his inevitable curse with him to live in a van trailer by a river in the woods of Oregon near his older sister, a single mother Janet (Mariel Hemmingway) who is a tough-talking lawyer and lives with her cherubic son Dennis the Menace Brett (Mason Gamble) and their well-trained overprotective family dog, a German Shepard named Thor. In congruent with the original novel, neither of these people are the main character, but rather most of the story, after the initial opening in Nepal, is told through the point of view of Thor.
Janet invites Ted to move his trailer onto her property to be closer to the family after she learns of his devastating loss in Nepal. After much reluctance, he agrees. The minute Uncle Ted arrives at their home, Thor senses something off about him and begins watching him closely. One night Ted leaves his trailer to enter the woods and Thor follows him. What Thor eventually sees, is Ted chaining himself to a large tree and turning into a pretty frightening looking werewolf. After this, Thor tries in the best way he can to warn his family by attacking Ted every time he comes near them, pissing on his feet and refusing to leave the spot from his watch of the front door of Ted's trailer.
In order to get rid of Thor, Ted frames him for the murders he has been committing in were-form and Thor is sent off to a dog pound to be euthanized. Don't worry though, Brett knows this is all bullshit and sneaks out at night to help Thor escape. Just in time too because stupid-ass Janet had just decided to go check out what all the racket in the woods was. A full-on German Shepard vs. werewolf battle ensues and it sounds cheesy, but the fact that at this point you're sort of attached to this dog and seeing things through his prospective, you can't wait until he saves the family and kicks Uncle Ted's ass. I absolutely LOVE this movie and not only because I found the story interesting and unique for a were-wolf tale, but also because the werewolf suit in it is totally legit and actually looks frightening in action. If you like werewolf films, especially ones sans CGI effects, Bad Moon is a MUST see. The trailer doesn't really do this film justice, but feel free to watch it below.
The Beast Within (1982)
I remember attempting to watch this movie as a young kid, probably around 8 years old. Because I'm a germaphobe, I've always been easily scared by movies involving parasites or possession of any kind. I'll be honest, I never made it through the entire first two viewings of this film. The first time because I got way too freaked out and the second time was due to the fact my mom turned it off, but when I got older and no one was around to cock-block horrifying beast-rape scenes, I was able to finish the film. If I didn't already give it away, this movie is largely about beast-rape. A couple on their honeymoon driving through a sleepy Southern town in Mississippi are stranded when they're car gets a flat tire. The husband leaves his attractive wife alone at night on a deserted road in the South so he can go alone to the nearest town to find help. Not surprisingly, she is attacked and raped, but the surprising part is her rapist, who you never fully see on camera, is not a creepy toothless redneck, but a hulking mindless monster beast of some kind. The rape scene is not entirely graphic, she is basically attacked and knocked unconscious by claws and dinosaur roars and while lying on the ground has her dress ripped off and is suddenly oddly moving in a up and down motion. Still pretty bad and a little too brutal for an 8 year-old I suppose. Her husband returns to find her naked, bloody and unconscious and rushes her to the police car he arrived in.
Cut to 17 years later and turns out they have a massive memory haunting them every day of that rape, a 17 year-old son named Michael. Michael becomes ill with a mysterious and possible fatal disease, so his parents decide they must return to that town in Mississippi in hopes of locating his biological father/mother's rapist whose genetic makeup may be the key to saving their son. What happens from there are two basic story lines, the investigation of Michael's parents in determining exactly who or what is his father and Michael's story after he breaks out of the hospital and heads to Mississippi on his own and begins to transform into the beast that made him.
Although this film is considered campy by some, I've always found the gory effects rather gruesome and the overall acting abilities of everyone cast in the film helps to actually engage you into the storyline. The story itself is rather disturbing I think and rape scenes included, this one may still be able to shock a first time viewer. Michael'sWTF transformation scene alone, although lengthy, is still rather effective and pretty nasty. If you're a straight dude, this might not be the kind of movie you would want to pop in to impress a lady friend, but I still highly recommend it. Check out the awesomely gimmicky trailer below.
Don't Be Afraid Of the Dark (1973)
Originally released as a made-for-television film in 1973, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is surprisingly incredibly unnerving. The storyline involves a young couple who inherit an old mansion from the wife's dead grandmother. The husband, Alex, is a successful architect while his wife Sally resigns from her career to become a house wife and caretaker of their large estate. The film opens with whispering demonic voices and a shot of the house before we are ever introduced to the main characters. This kind of gives us an idea that shit is going to go wrong from then on and it does. Sally finds an old den that has been boarded up and the fireplace sealed with an iron door. She asks the handyman to clear it out so she can turn the room into an office with a usable fireplace. The handyman, who has been working at the house for generations, flat out refuses and tells her to stop sticking her nose in places it doesn't belong. Naturally, Sally defies this and on her own unbolts the door. After this occurs, Sally experiences all sorts of strange phenomenon in the house, such as voices and sees little demonic creatures following her around and haunting her in attempt to take her as one of them. Alex thinks she is going crazy and does not believe anything she tells him about the little creatures.
Eventually people start dying and the lights rarely come back on. I don't want to give much more away at this point. You should absolutely WATCH this movie. The concept sounds cliche and the characters cheesy, but trust me, you will be surprised at how creepy this movie is and how it's able to get under her skin so effectively without the use of gory special effects or shock value. Apparently this film has been remade by Guillermo del Toro (The Devil's Backbone, Blade) for release in 2011. Until that creepfest comes out, make sure to check out the still pretty frightening original. Try to ignore the cheesy narrator and music in the trailer below. It's a pretty piss poor representation of the film.
It’s Episode 11 and I’ve brought in some experts to help me deal with this shit kicking Canadian musical horror movie appropriately titled, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare. Released in 1987and written by it’s star Canadian body builder/rock singer/wrestler Jon Mikl Thor, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare tells the story of an alleged rock band that sets up shop in a unbeknownst to them demonically possessed farmhouse so they can record their new album. Unfortunately, some dick puppets demons and a giant grasshopper the Devil don’t like their shitty music and thus everyone sets out on a collision course to wackiness involving ridiculous music montages, Canadian accents and an uncomfortably long sex scene in the shower. There isn't a trailer available for this movie online, but you can check out a remix clip reel someone made on YouTube below. It should be noted that the music in this video is obviously not that of the shitty rock band in the film, Triton. For an example of how much the band in the Rock n' Roll Nightmare DON'T rock, click here. Otherwise, read on!
My expert guests for this episode are returning TECguest, inventor of the “wrap-up rap” and former lead singer of the unknown punk band Major Major, comedian Nicole Lucas! Plus brand new guest, hilarious comedian, fellow podcaster (check outDelicious Mediocrity) and guitar maestro Derek Sheen! Come join us as we crack open some beers, talk about boobs, discuss our own musical pasts and rap about rapey vans!
Unfortunately, scenes of inter-species conquest are not always held prisoner to curtained-off rooms of your local video store. In fact, some of these tacky tales of forbidden love find their way on the big screen to be enjoyed by audiences for at least the opening weekend. So, in honor of that blue-filtered image of Gary Busey mounting a shrieking Vanity that will forever haunt my brain, I give you TEC's top five commercial B-movies with bestiality themes that do not include rape or coconuts. For the most part anyway. No animals were harmed in the making of these shitty films. I can't promise as much for the actors involved.
5. Encino Man (1992)
I feel hard pressed placing this film under the title of "B-movie" since it stars some of the greatest thespians of our generation, Brendan "So Fraise and so clean" Fraiser, Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin and Pauley Shore (limp Jew-fro in tact), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong anywhere else. Encino man is about two high school senior class (allegedly) losers, Dave (Sean Astin) and Stoney (Pauley Shore) who are digging a pool in Dave's backyard and unearth a Cro-magnon man, fully in tact, organs and all, encased in block of ice. Dave, who longs for the popularity that is enjoyed by Dom DeLuise's nephew and Rose McGowan at his So-Cal High School in Encino decides to defrost the caveman and take it on Letterman so he can get prom king votes. I'm pretty sure this is how the social casting system works. What they didn't expect was for the caveman (enter Brendan Frasier) to thaw and turn out to be an apish party dude who just wants to chill, bra! The guys pretend he's a foreign exchange student from Estonia named Link and try to teach him how to be "normal" or at least not eat flies and throw women over his shoulder to take off somewhere to rape mate with. Hey asshole, welcome to the 90's! We've come along way since the Cro-magnon era. We can even vote now!
So this is how white people get dreads.
Anyhow, I do find there to be a questionable subtle bestiality tone to this movie. No one has sex in the movie, or at least on screen anyway, but all the girls in school want the bone the "new guy" and bone him bad. The reason I find this to be questionably illegal is, isn't this guy still in the slow process of evolution? At this point, he's more monkey than man, right? He definitely acts like a monkey, he even invents a dance at the prom in the end they call "the monkey." Therefore, I deem sexual transgressions with this dude to be inter-species coitus. Actually, I consider it to be the same case if you want to bone Brendan Frasier as well.
4. Walk Like A Man (1987)
Howie Mandel, with a full head of hair, plays Bobo Shand, a man raised by wolves who is discovered by "beautiful" wildlife behaviourist Penny (Amy Steel), yes those people are always attractive, and returned to his millionaire family where he is set to inherit a fortune. Only problem is, a collision course to wackiness ensues when Bobo is somehow unable to adapt to high society and would rather sniff snooty old ladies butts, lap up champagne from the flute and eat with the dogs! Oh those wolf foster parents! They didn't even bother to teach Bobo any manners. They must have just been in it for the government check. Also, his greedy brother played by Christopher Lloyd wants the inheritance all to himself and plans to neuter poor Bobo, permanently! Or wait...he plans to put him to sleep, permanently! Or, never mind the metaphor. He just wants to kill him.
The bestiality aspect of the storyline involves the animal behaviourist, Penny, who dedicates all her time in teaching Bobo how to act like a real man. You know, speak some sort of human language and walk on two legs and stuff, but in the course of their teaching, she predictably starts to fall for Bobo and eventually they end up together. Before the true love happens, there is a lot of sniffing and awkward sexual tension between Bobo and Penny. I know that Bobo is technically a dude, but he still walks on all fours, barks and chases cats. The fact that she found this arousing endearing from the get go is already a little creeper to me.
"Be a good dog Bobo and sit and stay while we watch Sex & The City."
Even when he's able to walk upright in a Hawaiian shirt and shop at a mall like every other civilized human being, he still howls and scratches himself. Why the hell is this woman so desperate? Also, all the courting involves dog-like behavior on his part. I know it's not real bestiality, but he's just as stupid as a dog. If she was one of those creepy old rich ladies that slathered peanut butter on her bush and told Bobo to come lap it up, he would and now it's considered foreplay. Those ladies (do you hear me Joan Collins?) need to get themselves some wolf-raised dudes. Is it possible Penny had a thing for dogs before meeting Bobo, but couldn't bring herself to express it because you know, it's a social taboo and really illegal, thankfully? It's like if you are secretly into children and date a proportional little person to be able to not only express your dirty fetish outwardly, but also seem like a really open-minded and non-judgemental person will doing so. Maybe I'm reading more into this than I should. Either way, Penny, I know what you're doing girl and you nasty!
3. Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)
Though this film was originally intended to be released as Creepshow 3, I think fans of the television series would agree that it holds up well to the original television series, although I really missed the opening title sequence which is by far the best thing about TFTDS. An anthology movie including three short horror stories told by Joey Lawrence's little brother while he attempts to distract Debbie Harry as she prepares to cook him, TFTDS is sort of hard to fit in the B-movie genre since it's got great production value, special effects and Rae Dawn Chong. Since the movie itself has been largely panned by critics, had a smaller budget than most Hollywood horror movies and failed at the box office, I'm going to go ahead and refer to this one as such.
The questionable animal/human bonerizing tale in question is the third in the film, titled "Lover's Vow." It tells the tale of Preston (James Remar), a brooding artist living in New York City who just can't seem to sell enough of this shitty art pieces in order to pay his bills (a rarity I'm sure). One night while leaving through the alley exit after closing time at his local watering hole, he witnesses a gargoyle looking thing that viciously murders a friend of his. The gargoyle approaches him and he begs to be spared. The creature says that his life will be spared if he promises not to reveal to ANYONE what he saw. Preston swears and the monster lets him ago.
"What are you starring at? Is there something in my teeth?"
As he rushes back to his apartment on the dark streets alone, he encounters Carola (RAE DAWN MOTHERFUCKING CHONG, DOG!) who he freaks out about her walking alone. She's not sure what his damage is and he can't really tell her, but he convinces her to come up to his apartment since she has no where to stay. WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! Fast forward ten years and Preston has become a successful artist once again, inspired by the love of his life Carola, who by now is his wife and mother of his two young children. Although everything in their lives seems perfect, Preston is still haunted by the night they met and has been wrestling with whether or not he should tell Carola the truth. On their ten year anniversary, he decides to tell her what he saw and even shows her a sculpture of the gargoyle thing he's been working on for several years. Understandably, she freaks out, but not for the reasons you think. She starts screaming, "...you promised you wouldn't tell" and her voice gets really demony. Then she begins to transform into the gargoyle creature, which is pretty gross and awesome. Preston starts begins crying and his two small children run out from their room. Suddenly they are creepy gargoyle creatures as well. The Carola creature and Preston share some weepy "I love yous" and she promptly rips out his jugular vein.
A murderous monster, but her ethnicity seemed so harmless.
Here's the rub for me. So, this whole time, he's been technically screwing a gargoyle in human hide. Is a gargoyle a kind of animal? It has wings and horns and apparently has a vagina so I'm going to categorize it as such. What do you think ran through Preston's mind when Rae Dawn starting stripping off all her lady skin and revealed herself to be this butt-ugly winged monster underneath? I guarantee his first thought had to be, "...this is who I've really been boning this whole time?" Of course before he could really get into the more introspective meaning behind their inter-species escapades, he's murdered which is probably better for everybody in the end. Those kids would just have grown up to they themselves subjecting poor unbeknownst human to their bi-gargoyle charms. We could have had a whole race of secret gargoyles on our hands. It would have been likeV for real! Is this starting to sound racist?
2. Sleepwalkers (1992)
This is where things start getting more literal. 1992's Sleepwalkers is a lower budget Hollywood film based off a story by horror author Stephen King that involves a supposed teenage boy, Charles (Brian Krause) and his eerily young in appearance mother that move to a small town. Charles immediately crushes on a local girl named Tanya and begins pursuing her. He seems all blonde and sweet and first, but after agreeing to a date, Tanya quickly realizes that Charles is actually a cat-like monster who needs to kidnap her so his mom, also a cat-like monster, can consume her virginal essence (whatever that is, wink).
"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."
There is the obvious implication of the cat/human on human intimacy that happens, but the real WTF moment of this movie (besides Stephen King's random cameo) is the scene of Charles and his mother doing it. Yes, it's got incest and beastiality wrapped into one fucked up cat-like burrito! In the scene where Charles and his mom are rolling all over eachother, the camera pans to the mirror which not only shows them naked and possibly boning, but shows them in their full cat-beast form. It's pretty awesome gross, or at least I remembered it being as much as a kid. The predicatable twist of this one is that the "sleepwalkers" or cat beasts are only vunerable to the scratch of a domestic house cat. Stephen King really seems to love him some cats. Oh Stephen, you sure are a crazy old cat lady in a not very convincing disguise! Eventually all the town's local kitty population forms a cat mob and pounce on the cat beats' house. I'm not sure what the deal with the cats are or at least I don't really remember. Maybe they just want to stop all this unnecessary inter-species breeding. Is this starting to sound racist?
1. Humanoids From the Deep (1980)
As far as animals raping humans goes, you don't get much more graphic than Roger Corman's Humanoids From the Deep. In fact, Tanya's Island also came out the same year from Canada. Perhaps it was Canada's response to the new craze in animal rape films. Not sure. Either way, Humanoids does it better and by better I mean it's so ridiculous and over the top camp, it's not trying to get political or send a message except maybe to keep our oceans clean which I can totally stand behind. Humanoids is about a small beachside town which is reaked havoc upon by scientic experiments with fish and human DNA somehow gone awry. The fish monsters begin to invade the town to kill the men and rape the hot ladies. It's kind of like the Spanish conquests of Mexico, but you know, with no financial benefit in the end.
"Shh Jenny, it's me Nemo."
I don't think I need to go into detail as to why this is implied beastiality and by implied I mean, it's not real since the fish men rapists are really fully covered stunt guys in fish suits. Humanoids does what Tanya's Island didn't as far as animal rape scenes goes, it makes fun of itself. There's a parade in the town at some point to crown the Miss Salmon of the year that is disrupted by the murderous/rapey fish guys. It'a awesome. Okay, the rapey parts are a little queasy, but it's just so ridiculous, in fact there are times the models actresses being fish ravaged appear to be holding back laughter. This is what B-movies are all about. Especially if they're going to approach such heavy hitting social taboo material such as fish rape. Someone's got to put this out in the public sphere for dialogue and only Roger Corman could do so with both grace and humor. Plus a lot of bush and boobs.
Feminist Tagline: "Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis."
Feminist Tagline: "She's not just a bad mother. She's hazardous to your health!"
I did not go into 1988's The Brain with high expectations. All I really expected was to see a giant alien brain puppet eating people. No more, no less. That is exactly what I got. What I didn't expect was one of the most obnoxious group of characters possibly in any movie, ever. Not obnoxious in an entertaining way either. The kind of people that you are just rooting for to die. The only people I actually wanted the brain puppet to eat, it doesn't. The plot is fairly simple and 
Where this goes awry is the main characters/heroes of the film. It's your standard teenage couple, Jim, the wise-talking sex-obsessed James Deanesque boyfriend and Janet, the squeaky clean, I'm waiting for college, screams all the time and gets easily captured girlfriend (what part of STAY HERE do these bitches not understand?!?). Smart-ass Jim gets in trouble in school and is forced by his parents to see Dr. Blakely for his behavioral problems. This is when he finds out the good Doctor has a hot European assistant with nice boobs and oh, he's not really a doctor. The rest of the film involves he and Janet trying to convince other people in town that Dr. Blakely is not what he seems, but unfortunately they have both been framed for the murders committed by the monster brain so no one really listens. 
This campy horror comedy is possibly my favorite movie of all time. Elvira, Mistress of the Dark is the big-screen debut of horror hostess, Elvira (aka Cassandra Peterson) who while in dire need for money to fund her upcoming Vegas show, coincidentally hears of her Great Aunt Morgana's death and journeys to the small town of Falwell, Massachusetts in the hopes of gaining a large inheritance. Unfortunately, not only does her car break down forcing her to stay in the quaint boring ass town, but she learns her only inheritance is a shitty old house, a poodle and a family recipe book. Her Great Uncle Vincent, a pretty smarmy devilish dude, seems rather perturbed he did not receive the book himself and tries to persuade Elvira to sell it. Initially she agrees, but after discovering her mother and aunt were actually witches and her mother was killed by Vincent in order to obtain the recipe book (which is actually a book of ancient spells), Elvira refuses, starting a battle with the powerful Vincent. Not only does our lovely heroine have to deal with a creepy warlock of a Uncle, but the Morality Club of Falwell is fixing to get her out by any means necessary. Stew pot monsters, sexual innuendos and boobs galore! Okay, maybe the boobs are covered most of the time, but Elvira not only raps in the film, but she also performs her famous nipple tassel twirling routine! Sold! This movie was a staple at every slumber party I ever had growing up. No wonder girls started thinking I was a lesbian once I hit middle school.
Based off a novel entitled Thor and written and directed by the writer of the vampire film Near Dark, Bad Moon has to be, and I'm absolutely sure of this, THE MOST underrated werewolf film of ALL TIME, SPOILERS to follow. Basically it surrounds the story a photo journalist Ted, played by Michael Pare (Eddie and the Cruisers, Streets of Fire) who while on a expedition with his girlfriend in Nepal is attacked (in the middle of a graphic sex scene) by a 
In order to get rid of Thor, Ted frames him for the murders he has been committing in were-form and Thor is sent off to a dog pound to be euthanized. Don't worry though, Brett knows this is all bullshit and sneaks out at night to help Thor escape. Just in time too because stupid-ass Janet had just decided to go check out what all the racket in the woods was. A full-on German Shepard vs. werewolf battle ensues and it sounds cheesy, but the fact that at this point you're sort of attached to this dog and seeing things through his prospective, you can't wait until he saves the family and kicks Uncle Ted's ass. I absolutely LOVE this movie and not only because I found the story interesting and unique for a were-wolf tale, but also because the werewolf suit in it is totally legit and actually looks frightening in action. If you like werewolf films, especially ones sans CGI effects, Bad Moon is a MUST see. The trailer doesn't really do this film justice, but feel free to watch it below.
I remember attempting to watch this movie as a young kid, probably around 8 years old. Because I'm a germaphobe, I've always been easily scared by movies involving parasites or possession of any kind. I'll be honest, I never made it through the entire first two viewings of this film. The first time because I got way too freaked out and the second time was due to the fact my mom turned it off, but when I got older and no one was around to cock-block horrifying beast-rape scenes, I was able to finish the film. If I didn't already give it away, this movie is largely about beast-rape. A couple on their honeymoon driving through a sleepy Southern town in Mississippi are stranded when they're car gets a flat tire. The husband leaves his attractive wife alone at night on a deserted road in the South so he can go alone to the nearest town to find help. Not surprisingly, she is attacked and raped, but the surprising part is her rapist, who you never fully see on camera, is not a creepy toothless redneck, but a hulking mindless monster beast of some kind. The rape scene is not entirely graphic, she is basically attacked and knocked unconscious by claws and dinosaur roars and while lying on the ground has her dress ripped off and is suddenly oddly moving in a up and down motion. Still pretty bad and a little too brutal for an 8 year-old I suppose. Her husband returns to find her naked, bloody and unconscious and rushes her to the police car he arrived in.
Originally released as a made-for-television film in 1973, Don't Be Afraid of the Dark is surprisingly incredibly unnerving. The storyline involves a young couple who inherit an old mansion from the wife's dead grandmother. The husband, Alex, is a successful architect while his wife Sally resigns from her career to become a house wife and caretaker of their large estate. The film opens with whispering demonic voices and a shot of the house before we are ever introduced to the main characters. This kind of gives us an idea that shit is going to go wrong from then on and it does. Sally finds an old den that has been boarded up and the fireplace sealed with an iron door. She asks the handyman to clear it out so she can turn the room into an office with a usable fireplace. The handyman, who has been working at the house for generations, flat out refuses and tells her to stop sticking her nose in places it doesn't belong. Naturally, Sally defies this and on her own unbolts the door. After this occurs, Sally experiences all sorts of strange phenomenon in the house, such as voices and sees little demonic creatures following her around and haunting her in attempt to take her as one of them. Alex thinks she is going crazy and does not believe anything she tells him about the little creatures.
It’s Episode 11 and I’ve brought in some experts to help me deal with this shit kicking Canadian musical horror movie appropriately titled, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare. Released in 1987 and written by it’s star Canadian body builder/rock singer/wrestler Jon Mikl Thor, Rock n’ Roll Nightmare tells the story of an alleged rock band that sets up shop in a unbeknownst to them demonically possessed farmhouse so they can record their new album. Unfortunately, some 
