|"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."|
|Tanya's Island brought to you by Tanya's landing strip.|
Then, all of sudden we're thrown back and forth between scenes of her filming some possible music video in a train with guys dressed in racially insensitive African tribal garb, shots of the the stop motion animated gorilla in scenes from 1949's Mighty Joe Young and Tanya STILL jogging. It gets even more disjointed from there. There is no explanation who any of the characters are or where they are. During the shots filmed in the dinner train, a woman approaches Tanya and makes some rambling comment about Tanya's "career." Okay, so I guess she's a pop singer? Then Tanya is suddenly knocking on the door of some apartment and is greeted angrily by a bearded guy. The guy tells her to leave and she asks to come in. He tells her he never wants to see her again and she continues to pathetically beg to stay. This is followed by her forcing her way into the apartment where he promptly get's creepily aggressive with her and throws her around all the while shouting that he doesn't want her. Yeah. She says some more passive pathetic things involving her creepy co-dependence to this guy and then, suddenly the scene cuts to her in another apartment alone. This film shits all over segues. Once in another apartment, which I assume is her own, Tanya hears a grunting noise which she follows in, oh, here we go SLOW MOTION because this whole time I was thinking to myself, Jesus, this plot is moving along so quickly with so much going on, if only they'd slow it down for a bit! After probably 10 minutes of Tanya walking to a door, she opens it and suddenly, that's right, is on some deserted island.
|Wait, how are they boning if his flaccid penis is dangling? Ghost boner?|
|Blue reflects on whether he should have worn a condom.|
The rest of the film involves a man vs. beast struggle between Lobo and Blue for Tanya's affections which involves Lobo dressing up as some stereotype of an Afican tribal member and building a bamboo prison to keep Tanya in and Blue out. Oh yeah and he also feels the need to rape her in front of Blue's ape face. Blue eventually frees Tanya from the prison after the rape only to, you guessed it, rape her himself. That's right, this movie has a Vanity double dipping rape scene and no, it is not worth watching just for this WTF moment. I promise you.
Besides numbing your brain on lack of dialogue and plot alone, if you have any normal level of confidence, Tanya's insistence on returning to Lobo after he treats her like shit and forcibly fists her at some point is excruciatingly obnoxious. She even goes to him for comfort when Blue is attacking the bamboo cage post Lobo raping her. I'm not sure if the director/writer intended this film to be some sort of metaphor about male aggression and sexuality, a dialogue about misogyny or even a documentary about the beginnings of AIDS, but even if that was the intention, Vanity's boobies and bush cannot save this dull, boring and frustratingly ridiculous excuse for an erotic drama. I've seen episodes of Red Shoe Diaries better than this and the people in it have flaccid penis fake sex were uglier! If the only pay off of this movie is a slow motion, blue filtered Gary Busey-looking ape suit raping a post-Princed/Loboed Vanity, I say get a better gimmick and preferably one that is more legal.
|Turns out, Jesus does not do a body good.|
In case anyone wonders, Vanity aka Katrina Matthews, left the spotlight in the 80's after almost losing both her kidneys to a crack cocaine addiction and has since become an Evangelical Christian preacher. I know most people would credit the crack for this career move, but I really have to blame Tanya's Island because when you think about it, I'm pretty sure making this shit storm turned her onto crack in this first place. R.I.P Vanity (1980's something - 1980's something).