Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The "Nevermind, Just Rewind" Cinematic Turd of the Week

Okay, so there are two things that may or may not be obvious about me.  One, I have really bad taste and two, a short attention span.  Also, a limited vocabulary.  Okay, so that's three things.  Even so, there are some shitty movies that even I, a bargain bin and basement box cinematic connoisseur if you will, have my limits.  Some B-movies are just so goddamn awful I can't make it to the end.  I like to think of these as, Nevermind, Just Rewinds.  For my first example of unwatchable B-movie badness, I give you 1981's The Boogens.  Cheesy name?  Check.  Interesting VHS cover art?  Check.  A glowing review from Stephen King?  Um, I'm not sure that matters.  A decent sounding plot?  The story is basically about a small mining town who blow an old mine and inadvertently release a beast/creature/demon (who may have possibly just been a creepy old man) who then wreaks havoc on all it's residents.  And by all it's residents I mean mostly the attractive naked female ones.  So, decent sounding plot?  Check!  What actually happens involves a whole lot of character establishing dialogue, snow, a discussion of the "perfect breasts" of one character who then never shows us them, one bad ironic twist and the 80's.  Not urban 80's like day glow and Madonna, but small town 80's where everything was still the late 70's.  When the action eventually starts, involving some beast-like creature who (might just be an old guy) begins attacking the snowed-in cabin of an attractive woman in a towel, it's hard (pun) to be scared or aroused when you CAN'T SEE A FUCKING THING!  The whole film is so goddamn dark and most of the beginning involves scenes at night.  I gave up on this one after thirty minutes.  I don't know if it eventually get's good, but I doubt it matters since you won't be able to see any of the good take place anyway.  I guess I'll just have to wait for the Blu-ray edish.  Here's the trailer below.

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