Saturday, September 4, 2010

The WTF Film(?) Of the Week

This WTF collection of film shorts came to my attention in two ways.  First of all, there happens to be a 50 DVD film collection known as "The Decrepit Crypt Of Nightmares" on sale at my local Half Price Books discounted book store for the past year.  Since the first time I saw it, I was intrigued.  It was the titles on the back that sold me, Dead Body Man, Hip Hop Locos, Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City and the soon to be mentioned shit-kicking shit movie in question, Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horror Fest.  This sounded interesting, but it didn't really stand out more than the rest.  Update for anyone that cares, I have yet to buy that pack.  I'm still waiting on a mark down.  If you live locally and decide to buy this out from under me, I'll tell you right now, you're an asshole. 

Anyway...the other way in which this film oozed it's way into my life and onto my movie screen is through a friend of mine, who happens to also be an employee at my local video store.  He was asking me if I had ever since the shitfest known as Scarlet Fry's Junk...blah blah blah and I told him my not so funny story about my elusive movie value pack.  He told me that the movie was a collection of mini alleged horror shorts of the white trashiest kind all hosted by some redneck zombie calling himself Scarlet Fry.  Figures.  In fact, he specifically recommended one about some skate boarders trying to score drugs.  Turns out, my friend's place of employment just so happened to carry both of the movie collections burned on DVD and I ended up renting them both.

"Hey, can you tell me where the Hot Topic is around here?"
Okay, now for the WTF news.  I knew these things were on DVR with no labels so I didn't expect high quality, plus my friend had already warned me that the whole thing was filmed on a hand-held camcorder and some shorts were pretty much unwatchable.  All of this I knew.  What I didn't know was how white trash these things would be.  The "movie" starts with an alleged attractive junkie (portrayed by Calico Cooper, Alice Cooper's hell spawn daughter, first WTF part of this turd) looking to score some "junk."  This is also the first indication of how trashy this thing is going to be.  She is dressed in a men's undershirt and some kind of tight flared pants along with some platform sandals.  Maybe it's the 90's, I give it the benefit of the doubt.  Said junkie turns a corner down some low-income apartment ally and finds some dude sitting on the ground by a dumpster fiddling with tin foil and a match.  I assume this is a crack reference.  I just don't know.  Junkie Cooper then asks the guys where she "...can score some junk."  He acts annoyed and hands her a paper bag stating, "...just take this and get the fuck out of here."  She vows to return if the bag contents are, "...bunk junk" (second indication of the trashiness, who the fuck says bunk?).  Once she finds her own personal dumpster and prepares to shoot up I assume, she opens the bag only to find...a fucking VHS tape!  Bunk!  She then promptly returns to the dude and beats him to alleged death with a pipe.  Then, nonchalantly, whilst covered in Hershey syrup blood, walks up to some chubster guy taking out his trash, holds up the tape and says, "...Wanna watch a movie?"

"Fucking magnets.  How do they work?"
Okay.  Now, I haven't even gotten to the actual shorts yet, but already I knew this movie might be a mistake.  Next we are introduced to the alleged quirky host of the films, Scarlet Fry.  He turns out to be some juggalo in overalls and a cheap zombie latex make-up job.  So far, I'm still mildly amused.  While he introduces himself and the upcoming "horror" short, you notice a suburban white trash twenty-something covered in fake blood and tied to a tree behind him.  I guess this is horror ambiance.  The next sad indication of trashiness is the fact that that the chicks only close up is her massive muffin top hip fat behind Shaggy 2 Dope's Scarlet Fry's head. Oh, girl.  Actually, I'm pretty sure all of the allegedly hot chicks in this thing are people I saw smoking found cigarette butts at a bus stop at some point or they're just all in 8th grade still.  It's undetermined.

"Oh arm, you're my ooonly friend."
Now, the shorts.  First of all these "shorts" are actually like maybe five minutes long and all filmed in the same government-funded low income housing apartment complex.  The first short, Blood Thirsty Butcher surrounds some fat guy that creepily stalks some average looking girl in their apartment complex's laundry room, then invites her up to his barren apartment other than the necessary one Christmas light strand (Oh, dudes) only to stab her a bunch and eat her arm, then complain about it's lack of flavor.  That's it.  First off, the guy is totally creepy looking on top of being all fat sad.  The girl is lured to his room with the promise of home-made afternoon time lunch in his apartment after they just met.  The girl isn't hot, but she is decently average so I have no idea how this offer was alluring to her whatsoever.  Lady, you need to get yourself a new rape alarm, oh wait, you're dead now, so don't bother.

"Fuck you Grandpa! Wicca is too a religion! You never understood me!"
Anyhow...the next short titled, The Solution, is equally as short and involves another toothy goth girl playing the part of "hot chick."  You know from the minute you see her all kinds of bumpy lumpy from behind in her "sexy" nurse outfit, that she owns every episode of the Invader Zim cartoon as well as a buttload of anime.  A buttload.  Oh, girl.  So she is basically a caretaker for an alleged old guy who actually looks 35 and is wheeling him around a lake.  At some point she attempts to force feed him some pudding which he promptly spits all over the place including on her.  The pudding looks a little like jisim and with the general ambiance of this thing, I think it was deliberate.  The nurse is very annoyed, why can't this old guy stop being so sad about being old and decrepit?  Does he not understand she has an industrial dance party to go to later?  So after this important plot twist, she continues to angrily wheel him around until not so suddenly or subtly, some guy shows up in the parking with a sniper rifle and shoots the old guy in the head.  The nurse then happily skips away to the guy and his waiting Ford Contour, where he whisks her away to a romantic dinner at Applebees or something.  This makes no fucking sense.  The guy she is taking care of is already old and or crazy.  She could have just as easily pushed him into the lake or poisoned his pudding and gotten away with it.  Obviously people know who he's with and it's not too common for decrepit crazy old people to be shot in the brain for no reason.  Ugh.  Well, at least it's over after a few minutes.

The next short and the most ambitious so far is titled, Griptape Spank.  It's probably at least ten minutes long.  This is the one my friend told me was worth witnessing.  The story involves a bunch of greasy young dudes who are skating around a parking lot one day looking to score some weed.  When they come to the realization they are all broke, one of the guys, Donnie, has an idea.  He takes his two friends to a parking garage where he introduces them to a really bad gay stereotype/transvestite character in pigtails who offers to pay them $10 each in exchange for turning his "...ass blood red."  Whoa.  The friends then follow him to another, more private I guess area of the parking lot where he drops his denim daisy dukes, revealing his little pink thong.  The tranvestie then bends over a car and eggs the boys on to spank him with their skateboards, the griptape side preferably.  Okay.  Donnie's friends suddenly hesitate stating that this situation is "...fucking gay."  Um, where was the hesitation when the guy brought up the who ass blood red thing?  Also, even if you are a closeted gay hetero homophobe, spanking a dude who isn't even naked is a pretty easy 10 bucks.  It's not like you're giving him a hand job.  The friends reluctantly spank the guy in between hurling homophobic insults at Donnie and the transvestie.  They are then paid by cash the guy places in his thong for them to pull out.  When the dudes meet up with their dealer, they offer her the cash for a bag of weed.  She questions how they suddenly came up with money and they don't tell her.  After they walk away, she opens one of the folded bills to reveal it's bloody and has poo on it.  Ew.

This is when the short takes a turn for the incredibly fucked up.  Donnie and his friends arrive at the set his apartment and are greeted by his equally greasy girlfriend in a Target sale top with a Disney character on it.  After they smoke some of the weed, Donnie's girlfriend asks where he's been getting all the money he's been bringing home.  Apparently no one has jobs.  The friend's continue to doucheily tease about the spanking and Donnie gets agro.  His girlfriend calls him a "faggot" several times.  Donnie gets more agro.  The rest of the short is about Donnie losing his shit after replaying in his head his friends and girlfriends homophobic slurs.  He then attaches some nails to his skateboard and spanks the poor, innocent spank-loving transvestie to death.  It's pretty brutal.  In fact, this short in general is just so incredibly creepily white trash gay bash that I was really pissed throughout it.  This is also the point where I stopped the movie.  Not because of complete distaste for the horrifying shitbag it was, but because the DVD was scratched and froze.

Overall, I would say this isn't necessarily unwatchable I guess, but not worth watching for sure.  The Griptape Spank one starts out amusing enough, but the violence is just so creepily small town ignorant and trashy, it only reminded me of middle school, which in this case, I didn't appreciate.  Oh well, I guess I'll never know what became of secretly dick loving Donnie.  Hopefully he was eaten by the fat guy that also lives in his apartment or was promptly shot after making fun of the nurse's kitten hoodie.  I'm not sure I really care.                    

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