Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Ultra Warrior (1990)
Dir. Augusto Tamayo San Roman & Kevin Trent
Genre: Action/Post Apocalypse

The weak and the old people were killed, often cut in half.

This just might be one of the shorter film reviews that I put on the blog simply due to the fact that not only was this film pretty difficult to follow, but it was on VHS so I couldn't take any screen caps and not surprisingly, there are no real clips or pictures available online.  Boo.  The good news is, Ultra Warrior, though a mind blowingly shitastic shit fest of a post-apocalypse film, is actually kind of entertaining and more importantly, absolutely watchable.  Here is a link to the trailer.

Ultra Warrior tells the story of a "World War III" era post-apocalyptic planet, where the nuclear fallout has caused most of the world population to become deformed mutants (unless they are the main character's love interest, then they just have a few scars).  The mutants, most of them good at heart allegedly, must battle the remaining humans in order to survive, including the evil human overlord, The Bishop, whose full time job is destroying all mutants.  A group of kind-hearted "Muties" is lead by some crusty wise old man that goes only by Uncle (dirty) and taught to follow a particular prophecy that involves a day when he dies and the Muties will be lead by a human man who embodies the spirit of the "white wolf" named...White Wolf, or something, who will lead them to defeat the evil humans and at last, live in peace (but still be mostly hideously deformed or whatever).

R.I.P Dack Rambo (November 13, 1941 – March 21, 1994)
This savior, not surprisingly, turns out to be our main hero character, the rugged adventurer Kenner played by Dallas and Another World regular, Dack Rambo (one of the greatest dick names, EVER).  Before you get excited like I did, Dack Rambo is not Dack Rambo's real name.  It's actually Norman Jay RamboRambo is in fact his actual last name though.  Dack apparently had a twin brother who went by "Dirk" Rambo and whose actual name was Orman Ray Rambo.  Weird.  Sadly, his twin brother died in a tragic car accident in 1967, so there goes that menage fantasy you were just having.  Even more sad, Dack himself died in 1994 due to complications related to HIV.  Listen Dack, I know you were hot and all, but even dick's with invincible sounding dick names can catch AIDS, bro.  You will be missed.

Anyhow, Ultra Warrior.  Here is a top six list of some of the greatest random shit that happens in this thing in order to keep it awful/entertaining.

6.  The White Wolf Prophecy

Uncle has been, or at least we assume, telling the Muties (who he refers to as his "dear children") to look forward to one day being freed by their leader White Wolf when he returns from...wherever he said he was going for a long time.  It's a biblical Jesus rip-off, but most fantasy/action/sci-fi films have a Christ figure, it's just good storytelling.  Sorry, I took a Film as Lit class once.  As Uncle reminds the Muties of this prophecy, there are shots of what appears to be an Arctic Wolf, standing in this desert.  I don't know if they flew this thing in for this, but I'm not sure that Arctic Wolves can handle desert weather.  Then again, I doubt they had the budget to rent something from a zoo.  Also, I don't really know anything about the Arctic Wolf biology, so maybe they are Jesus figures that have been sent on our planet to eventually free deformed people and also love sunny weather.

5.  The Precious Element They Fight For Is Used To Make Pots

One of the SEVERAL random plot points of this movie, involves the struggle for the precious element Zirconium.  It's explained in Kenner's (Dack's) opening monologue (which is spoken by obviously another actor) that Zirconium had become a precious commodity after World War III, but he doesn't explain why.  All he does explain is that it's commonly used to make ceramic pots.  Later on though, a scientist figured out how to make an atomic bomb with it which is the reason Kenner came to the planet.  To look for more, with no tools, a cool jacket and his bare hands.  At least in Metal Storm, they made up some kind of mining tool for the important crystals which was obviously a spray painted super soaker, but still, I appreciated the effort.

4.  The AMAZING Dialogue

This shitberg is chock full of quotably ridiculous dialogue, it's just simply amazing.  In one of two (see No. 2 on this list) opening monologues, an unidentified British woman, perhaps the main Mutie love interest later in the film, is describing the horrible post-apocalyptic world she lives in.  First of all, she describes the place as being run by "...bohemians, pimps and thieves."  Interesting.  She also describes how the mean humans and mean mutants terrorize nice people which includes this awesome gem:

Narrator/Main Mutie Girl: "...The weak and the old were killed.  Often, they were cut in half."

WTF?  What the hell is the point of that?  I get being cruel bad-asses and all, but wouldn't that take a lot of work to cut an old, wrinkled, leathery-skinned body in half?  Maybe they used future swords which are sharper and can slice through skin, skulls, organs and bone.  Another great line involves the supposed telepath of the Muties.  She's pretty much just a skinny white girl with pancake makeup on.  The main Mutie love interest says this when explaining to Kenner the girl's powers:

Main Mutie Girl: "...She knows what other people are thinking.  That's why we call her Radio."

Um, okay.  I get it, radios pick up several frequencies and so...whatever.  Stupid metaphor.  At one point the main Mutie girl is explaining the story of the Muties to Kenner, even though we the viewers already had to sit through two monologues explaining it.  When Kenner speaks of leading them to freedom, which he is reluctant to do because he doesn't really give a shit, the main Mutie girl says:

Main Mutie Girl: "...Freedom was a grasp away, but a grasp is only a grasp."

Straight to the point.  I couldn't have said it better myself if I were a mutant slave girl.  One of my favorite pieces of dialogues comes from Kenner, who after SPOILER freeing the Muties and making the world a great happy place again says this inspirational line to....somebody:

Kenner: "...The soul of a man is not measured by the height of his hat or the width of his shoe.  Indeed it's not."

Is that a stolen quote from some other retard?  I can't really tell.  Is soul another word for dick?  Also, unclear, but then again, so is this entire film.      

3.  Dirty Old Uncle Pimping Out The Girl Muties To Dack's Dick    

"Get off yo asses you Mutie bitches and make me that paper!"
By far the best random and best scene in this movie, is when Uncle decides realizes that Kenner is in fact the White Wolf of the prophecy sent to fee all the Muties.  Uncle must go and die now, but first he decides to encourage all the Mutie women to fuck Kenner.  In fact, he considers carrying Kenner's "seed" which I think means being his cum bucket, an honor.  In the scene, crusty old Uncle reveals Kenner's true prophetic nature to the Muties.  He then turns his attention to the Mutie ladies and says the following, comforting, loving words you would only expect to hear from your elderly Uncle:

Uncle:  "...One of you will be chosen to carry his seed.  Do this willingly with passion and great gusto."

That's right ladies.  Go for the gusto.

2.  The Insane Amount of Flashbacks and Monologues

Most of this film is told through monologue and flashbacks.  In fact, the first twenty minutes consists of monologues told by the two main characters, Kenner and the Mutie girl.  Every time a character is introduced, they almost immediately go into a five to ten minute flashback sequence.  You can't run into any asshole in this film without them saying their name and fading away to their origin story.  Don't even bother to ask a question.  Those flashbacks are even longer.

1.  The Overuse of OBVIOUS Stock Footage

Probably the single most greatest thing about this film, is it's COMPLETE reliance on stock footage from OTHER films.  Ultra Warrior often seems like you're watching a different movie every twenty minutes.  If you feel that way, it's because you actually are.  I did some online research and found that this film is infamous for using stock footage from several movies including but not limited to, Lords of the Deep, Dune Warriors and Battle Beyond the Stars.  I recognized at least one film for sure in the opening sequence.  I kept getting a feeling of deja vu.  Hadn't I seen this movie before?  Then I recognized what was completely unmistakable footage from the space battle sequences and opening of Battle Beyond The Stars, an amazingly shitty Star Wars rip-off.

It's like boning in a huge vagina. Cozy.
The first Kenner sex scenes was so OBVIOUSLY not from the same movie or even the same characters, it is completely laughable.  Kenner, who is somewhat skinny and has short brown hair, leaves some space bar with some random older-looking lady he knows some how who has long black hair.  Then, all of a sudden, they're writhing around in pink satin sheets and are apparently doing it.  You never see their faces, but suddenly they both have perfect tan bodies, Kenner is suddenly buff and the lady lost about ten years.  Also, Kenner is now a long blond and the lady has curly brown hair.  It's so awesomely ridiculous.  Actually, I would have preferred they did something this stupid for all the unnecessary sex scenes in The Room.  That shit was just gross.

I not only absolutely recommend this movie for shitty movie lovers, but I also propose a drinking game.  Every time you see stock footage, take a drink.  Every time a white wolf is mentioned, take a drink.  Every time there is a flashback sequence, take a drink.  Every time Kenner has sex, two drinks...and so on and so forth.  Whoever is left standing, is in fact the Ultra Warrior!  Sounds like a perfect Tuesday Friday night to me.

Storytelling Flashbacks: 8
Shoulder Pads: 18
Explosions: 2
Small-Titted Strippers: 5
Four-Tittied Strippers:
Random Sexual Encounters: 3
Ugly Ass Women: 5
Eagles: 1
Separate Actors in a Sex Scene: 1
Shitty Dubbing: 4
Mentions of Sun Block: 6
Times the Action Scenes Seemed to Run Out of Money: 4
Arctic Wolves: 1
Times Kenner Wants a Beer: 3

1 comment:

  1. I love this movie. Been searching for a VHS rip for a while.