|The weak and the old people were killed, often cut in half.|
Ultra Warrior tells the story of a "World War III" era post-apocalyptic planet, where the nuclear fallout has caused most of the world population to become deformed mutants (unless they are the main character's love interest, then they just have a few scars). The mutants, most of them good at heart allegedly, must battle the remaining humans in order to survive, including the evil human overlord, The Bishop, whose full time job is destroying all mutants. A group of kind-hearted "Muties" is lead by some crusty wise old man that goes only by Uncle (dirty) and taught to follow a particular prophecy that involves a day when he dies and the Muties will be lead by a human man who embodies the spirit of the "white wolf" named...White Wolf, or something, who will lead them to defeat the evil humans and at last, live in peace (but still be mostly hideously deformed or whatever).
|R.I.P Dack Rambo (November 13, 1941 – March 21, 1994)|
Anyhow, Ultra Warrior. Here is a top six list of some of the greatest random shit that happens in this thing in order to keep it awful/entertaining.
6. The White Wolf Prophecy
5. The Precious Element They Fight For Is Used To Make Pots
4. The AMAZING Dialogue
This shitberg is chock full of quotably ridiculous dialogue, it's just simply amazing. In one of two (see No. 2 on this list) opening monologues, an unidentified British woman, perhaps the main Mutie love interest later in the film, is describing the horrible post-apocalyptic world she lives in. First of all, she describes the place as being run by "...bohemians, pimps and thieves." Interesting. She also describes how the mean humans and mean mutants terrorize nice people which includes this awesome gem:
Narrator/Main Mutie Girl: "...The weak and the old were killed. Often, they were cut in half."
WTF? What the hell is the point of that? I get being cruel bad-asses and all, but wouldn't that take a lot of work to cut an old, wrinkled, leathery-skinned body in half? Maybe they used future swords which are sharper and can slice through skin, skulls, organs and bone. Another great line involves the supposed telepath of the Muties. She's pretty much just a skinny white girl with pancake makeup on. The main Mutie love interest says this when explaining to Kenner the girl's powers:
Main Mutie Girl: "...She knows what other people are thinking. That's why we call her Radio."
Um, okay. I get it, radios pick up several frequencies and so...whatever. Stupid metaphor. At one point the main Mutie girl is explaining the story of the Muties to Kenner, even though we the viewers already had to sit through two monologues explaining it. When Kenner speaks of leading them to freedom, which he is reluctant to do because he doesn't really give a shit, the main Mutie girl says:
Main Mutie Girl: "...Freedom was a grasp away, but a grasp is only a grasp."
Straight to the point. I couldn't have said it better myself if I were a mutant slave girl. One of my favorite pieces of dialogues comes from Kenner, who after SPOILER freeing the Muties and making the world a great happy place again says this inspirational line to....somebody:
Kenner: "...The soul of a man is not measured by the height of his hat or the width of his shoe. Indeed it's not."
Is that a stolen quote from some other retard? I can't really tell. Is soul another word for dick? Also, unclear, but then again, so is this entire film.
3. Dirty Old Uncle Pimping Out The Girl Muties To Dack's Dick
|"Get off yo asses you Mutie bitches and make me that paper!"|
Uncle: "...One of you will be chosen to carry his seed. Do this willingly with passion and great gusto."
That's right ladies. Go for the gusto.
2. The Insane Amount of Flashbacks and Monologues
Most of this film is told through monologue and flashbacks. In fact, the first twenty minutes consists of monologues told by the two main characters, Kenner and the Mutie girl. Every time a character is introduced, they almost immediately go into a five to ten minute flashback sequence. You can't run into any asshole in this film without them saying their name and fading away to their origin story. Don't even bother to ask a question. Those flashbacks are even longer.
1. The Overuse of OBVIOUS Stock Footage
Probably the single most greatest thing about this film, is it's COMPLETE reliance on stock footage from OTHER films. Ultra Warrior often seems like you're watching a different movie every twenty minutes. If you feel that way, it's because you actually are. I did some online research and found that this film is infamous for using stock footage from several movies including but not limited to, Lords of the Deep, Dune Warriors and Battle Beyond the Stars. I recognized at least one film for sure in the opening sequence. I kept getting a feeling of deja vu. Hadn't I seen this movie before? Then I recognized what was completely unmistakable footage from the space battle sequences and opening of Battle Beyond The Stars, an amazingly shitty Star Wars rip-off.
|It's like boning in a huge vagina. Cozy.|
I not only absolutely recommend this movie for shitty movie lovers, but I also propose a drinking game. Every time you see stock footage, take a drink. Every time a white wolf is mentioned, take a drink. Every time there is a flashback sequence, take a drink. Every time Kenner has sex, two drinks...and so on and so forth. Whoever is left standing, is in fact the Ultra Warrior! Sounds like a perfect
Storytelling Flashbacks: 8
Shoulder Pads: 18
Small-Titted Strippers: 5
Four-Tittied Strippers: 1
Random Sexual Encounters: 3
Ugly Ass Women: 5
Separate Actors in a Sex Scene: 1
Shitty Dubbing: 4
Mentions of Sun Block: 6
Times the Action Scenes Seemed to Run Out of Money: 4
Arctic Wolves: 1
Times Kenner Wants a Beer: 3