5. Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)
Directed/Written/Produced/Composed by the enigmatic poor man's genius that was the late Chester Novell Turner (also all of those things for the amazing Black Devil Doll From Hell which I will get to) Tales From the Quadead Zone is a shittacious, mind-numbing attempt at a horror anthology and I absolutely love it.
|"Oh ghost son, you say the sweetest things."|
|I think this is hillbilly cop code for dead.|
4. The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)
What was it with the 70's and 80's and rape revenge movies? I would almost say this was a sign of progressive feminism in film, except for you know, all the rape that happens in them. Nail Gun Massacre, owner of the purposefully fucked-up double entendre tagline: "A Very Penetrating Story," opens with a young woman being raped by a group of construction workers. It's true. This one doesn't bullshit about their rape. If you can make it through this scene, which beyond boobs and creepy taunts is not incredibly graphic, but rather gross and unnecessary, the remainder of the film involves a
|Don't worry, |
3. Redneck Zombies (1987)
This cinematic camcorder-filmed turd was brought to us by none other than Troma Films. It's an extremely low-budget chicken gizzard, Hershey syrup gore-fest about a group of dumb-ass rednecks that find, you guessed it if you're a Troma fan, a barrel of radioactive waste in the woods and decide to use the contents in their moonshine...sigh. Turns out the tainted booze turns everyone that drinks it, not into hideously deformed radioactive super heroes, but into more hideously deformed radioactive redneck zombies! Holy chicken butter biscuit balls! As if these people didn't already put enough things in their mouths that they shouldn't.
|Even as a zombie, Laraina's brother gave the best massages.|
Anyway, it's not an incredibly watchable movie, but entertainingly bad enough, especially if you do so with friends and possibly booze. I don't mind the low budget acting and camcorder directing, but for some reason, cheap zombie latex/makeup really bothers me. Maybe because it fails at looking dead and succeeds at just looking like an average ashy sufferer of some extremely unattended to case of eczema sitting near me on the bus. Gross. I hate the bus, but Redneck Zombies is okay, especially compared to the Seattle transit system. Check out the chicken-fried steak eatin', gun-lovin', Toby Keith allowin' trailer below.
2. Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)
B-movie lovers, film critics and bored people alike often refer to the notoriously shittacious Troll 2 as the worst movie of all time. To those people, I say, you have CLEARLY not witnessed the horror that is Black Devil Doll From Hell. CLEARLY. Written/Directed/Produced/Composed by the previously mentioned Chester Novell Turner, Black Devil Doll From Hell tells the story of a church-going woman, a virtuous virgin at age thirty-forty something, who on a whim purchases an ugly, creepy, racial stereotype of a ventriloquist dummy at a local this-and-that shop. The store keeper tells the woman that the dummy (which is painted brown and has a dreadlock wig) has been purchased from her store several times before, but always returns to her doorstep somehow. She also tells the woman that she hears the doll has the power to grant it's owner, "...their one heartfelt wish." The woman shrugs this off and purchases the doll. Now, you'd think this thing would now venture into possible Monkey Shine or Child's Play territory, right? Where the doll either begins to murder those closest to the woman or perhaps curses her life in general. This is where a sane person would go with this story. Not Chester Novell Turner my friends. He fucking goes there! And where is there, you ask? Oh, just straight to dummy on human cherry-poppin' fornication, that's where.
1. Woodchipper Massacre (1988)
|"Don't tell mom, our Aunt is in the woodchipper!"|