Friday, September 10, 2010

Top 5 Shitty Movies That Were Filmed With a Hand-held Camcorder

As far as bad movies good, in my opinion, the lower the production value, the more I am generally entertained.  Unless you're Gore-met Zombie Chef From Hell, then you're just dark and grainy and dubbed to shit and I am only made angry.  Although, the production quality wasn't really what made me unable to finish viewing this turd as much as the story was fucking awful in an non-entertaining way.  It came off as an extremely low-budget local theater production and though I love shitty movies, I ironically hate community theater.  Okay, it's not ironic, but I digress.  Here is a short list of some of my favorite B-movies that look like or actually were filmed on either the director's Dad's camcorder or the one he/she rented out from their local community college's multimedia center.  By the way, Blood Lake would absolutely be on this list if I hadn't included it in a previous countdown.  Though B-movies are often redundant, I at least attempt to avoid this.

5.  Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Directed/Written/Produced/Composed by the enigmatic poor man's genius that was the late Chester Novell Turner (also all of those things for the amazing Black Devil Doll From Hell which I will get to) Tales From the Quadead Zone is a shittacious, mind-numbing attempt at a horror anthology and I absolutely love it.

"Oh ghost son, you say the sweetest things."
First of all, the painfully cheap 80's special effects, actors, sets and music make this a slow-moving, but entertaining turd rolled in nostalgic charm.  Our main character (I guess) is a woman reading a book of horror stories to her son who is totally dead!  There are effects that explain this such as her talking to no one and air blowing creepily near her ear, which she gets a little too excited about when her ghost son is allegedly ghost whispering to her.  This is a little ew, but incredibly tame as far as Turner goes.  There are two stories told here, "Food For ?" and "Brothers."  "Food For ?" which is really titled that, it's not a result of me not being able to read the text on screen though at times, this is hard, surrounds a redneck family whom every night they sit down for dinner, must fight to the death to eat before all the food is gone.  Even if they have to stab a bitch.  Don't worry if you get emotionally attached to any of the characters because thankfully there is a non-helpful epilogue.

I think this is hillbilly cop code for dead.
The second story, "Brothers" is exactly about that.  A man murders his brother due to his insane jealously of him not only stealing his wife (dick), but breaking her heart as well (double dick).  Just to humiliate his dead brother's corpse further, he decides to dress him up as a clown.  This comes back to haunt him when his brother rises from the dead and literally comes back to haunt him in that creepy clown suit.  The final story doesn't really have a title since it surrounds our main character who after storybook ghost son corner, is confronted by her husband.  He wants her to get over the dead son thing and stop telling stories to walls.  She doesn't like his tone and some weird "plot points" ensue that involves knives and cops.  Did I give it away?  This second and only other film-making attempt by Turner is not as bizarre as the first, but more watchable if you're offended by rape and misogyny.  Unfortunately Turner died in a car accident in 1996 before he was able to grace us with anymore of the crazy shit he thinks about at night.  If you're interested in trying to sit through Tales From the Quadead Zone, it is available in parts on YouTube here as well as on DVD in the near future.  Also, R.I.P Chester Novell Turner, gone too soon.      

4.  The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

What was it with the 70's and 80's and rape revenge movies?  I would almost say this was a sign of progressive feminism in film, except for you know, all the rape that happens in them.  Nail Gun Massacre, owner of the purposefully fucked-up double entendre tagline: "A Very Penetrating Story,"  opens with a young woman being raped by a group of construction workers.  It's true.  This one doesn't bullshit about their rape.  If you can make it through this scene, which beyond boobs and creepy taunts is not incredibly graphic, but rather gross and unnecessary, the remainder of the film involves an obvious female mysterious killer stalking each rapist construction worker and slaughtering them and their wives/girlfriends/breadwinners one by one with a nail gun.

Don't worry, she the killer doesn't nail the baby...I think.
Though you might feel a little uneasy sitting through this one, most of that feeling in your stomach involves the camcorder work rather than the gore or the graphic violence.  It's pretty enjoyable to watch all these assholes get theirs, including one guy that is appropriately nailed against a tree whilst nailing someone against a tree!  The effects are ridiculously low-budget, but much of it, while at moments is painfully slow and or awkward, is unintentionally entertaining with the unintentional funny fat people kills being the highlight.  Not for the faint of heart, watch it with a friend, but probably not someone you want to impress with either your moral compass, personal taste or those classes you took in college about woman's studies.  Check out the trailer below, FYI NSFW.

3.  Redneck Zombies (1987)

This cinematic camcorder-filmed turd was brought to us by none other than Troma Films.  It's an extremely low-budget chicken gizzard, Hershey syrup gore-fest about a group of dumb-ass rednecks that find, you guessed it if you're a Troma fan, a barrel of radioactive waste in the woods and decide to use the contents in their moonshine...sigh.  Turns out the tainted booze turns everyone that drinks it, not into hideously deformed radioactive super heroes, but into more hideously deformed radioactive redneck zombies!  Holy chicken butter biscuit balls!  As if these people didn't already put enough things in their mouths that they shouldn't.
Even as a zombie, Laraina's brother gave the best massages.

Anyway, it's not an incredibly watchable movie, but entertainingly bad enough, especially if you do so with friends and possibly booze.  I don't mind the low budget acting and camcorder directing, but for some reason, cheap zombie latex/makeup really bothers me.  Maybe because it fails at looking dead and succeeds at just looking like an average ashy sufferer of some extremely unattended to case of eczema sitting near me on the bus.  Gross.  I hate the bus, but Redneck Zombies is okay, especially compared to the Seattle transit system.  Check out the chicken-fried steak eatin', gun-lovin', Toby Keith allowin' trailer below.

2.  Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)

B-movie lovers, film critics and bored people alike often refer to the notoriously shittacious Troll 2 as the worst movie of all time.  To those people, I say, you have CLEARLY not witnessed the horror that is Black Devil Doll From HellCLEARLY.  Written/Directed/Produced/Composed by the previously mentioned Chester Novell Turner, Black Devil Doll From Hell tells the story of a church-going woman, a virtuous virgin at age thirty-forty something, who on a whim purchases an ugly, creepy, racial stereotype of a ventriloquist dummy at a local this-and-that shop.  The store keeper tells the woman that the dummy (which is painted brown and has a dreadlock wig) has been purchased from her store several times before, but always returns to her doorstep somehow.  She also tells the woman that she hears the doll has the power to grant it's owner, "...their one heartfelt wish."  The woman shrugs this off and purchases the doll.  Now, you'd think this thing would now venture into possible Monkey Shine or Child's Play territory, right?  Where the doll either begins to murder those closest to the woman or perhaps curses her life in general.  This is where a sane person would go with this story.  Not Chester Novell Turner my friends.  He fucking goes there!  And where is there, you ask?  Oh, just straight to dummy on human cherry-poppin' fornication, that's where.

You're welcome.
The dummy knocks out our church lady, somehow drags her into her bed and ties her up and then...this has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have EVER seen EVER happen in a movie and I've seen some movies Enemaniacs.  The dummy tells the woman, "...Now I'm going to fuck you bitch."  If this isn't already enough to make you uncomfortable while sitting next to the person or persons you might be viewing this movie with, it get's worse.  She begs and pleads for him not to take her virtue and he explains that this is her "...heartfelt wish."  Oh.  And then he goes down on her with dummy tongue.  Dummy tongue that is squirting out some sort of white liquid.  Yes.  This happens.  She decides this goo-covered dummy tongue is so awesome, that losing her V to a possessed wooden dummy is a sexy idea...and it goes from there for an uncomfortably long ten minutes or so.  It's like blaxploitation Japanese live-action anime.  The rest of the movie is about the aftermath of this woman being so completely sexed up by the dummy doll, she becomes a raging nympho...anyway, if this doesn't sound funny, trust me, it is for the most part.  If you are an adventurous movie viewer, then this turd is for you.  If you are easily offended by those things which should never be seen by the human eye, then avoid this at all costs.  Either way, here is a somewhat "safe" (meaning there's no doll boning involved) clip below.  WARNING: ONCE YOU SEE THIS DOLL SAY, "...I'M GONNA FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH," THIS IMAGE WILL BE BURNED INTO YOUR BRAIN FOR ALL ETERNITY.

1.  Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

For those of you that are finished recovering from the previous clip and have chosen to continue reading, first, I applaud your courage.  Second, I give you my favorite filmed on a hand-held camcorder movie of all time...Woodchipper Massacre!  Directed/Written by Jon McBride of possible Cannibal Campout fame, the best part about this film, is though it may sound like sort of a solemn subject, you know, massacre and all, the movie is surprisingly upbeat and funny.  It tells the story of an average family, teenage son Jon (played by Writer/Director Jon McBride), pre-teen daughter, Denise and youngest son, Tom whose father goes out of town on business and leaves them with a strict, god-obsessed bitch of a babysitter, Aunt Tess.  The kids are all fairly normal 80's middle class surbanites, Jon likes rock n' roll, Denise likes friends, denim and the mall and Tom likes computers and pissing everyone else off.  When Tom receives a Rambo hunting knife in the mail, Aunt Tess attempts to take it from him.  A struggle ensues and oops, Aunt Tess accidentally stabs herself in the gut and dies.

"Don't tell mom, our Aunt is in the woodchipper!"
This is when the movie gets ridiculous, but completely awesome.  The kids decide they don't want to ruin their father's business trip or get in trouble, so they freeze Aunt Tess' body and then dismember it in the woodchipper in the backyard and then bury the pieces.  They hoped that would be the end of it, but then the Aunt's douchey fresh from prison son shows up, as well as other assholes who start poking their noses into things and well, more people accidentally end up in pieces.  The gore is fairly good for this film's obviously extremely low budget and the light-hearted feel of it is often funny.  Also, if you watch the special features on the DVD, there is a video commentary from some random guy in his basement bedroom which is dark and covered in horror movie posters, that just mumbles on about how this movie changed his life.  It's fair creepier and menacing then the film itself.  I can't say the same for McBride's Cannibal Campout, but Woodchipper Massacre is quite an achievement considering what they had to work with it and also a perfect Polaroid of your 80's youth you often reminisce about.  Check out the wackiness below. 

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