TEC Podcast: Episode 65: The Enematic Cinematic LIVES!!: It Was Indian Land!

Each Thanksgiving, we at TEC try to highlight films of the Nativesploitation genre, most often involving the revenge killing of white people.  This year, we went with a little more light-hearted cultural appropriation tale thanks to Chuck Norris' 1996 kid-friendly environmentalist vehicle, FOREST WARRIOR. Along for the alleged "ass-kicking" awkward ride is special guest, comedian DAVID LEON!  Expect animorphs, agendas, Native pride and zero cultural insight!

Extreme Limits (2001)Dir. Jim WynorskiGenre: Xtreme Action!

 

"...I don't have to believe in it to kill for it."

Remember that time in 1999 when the reality of living in the year 2000 seemed like science fiction fantasy talk? A time in which we all believed that if somehow, the human population managed to make it through the next ten years, either we'd all live on the moon or the Earth would explode in a meteoric catastrophe?  Or, at the very least, all computer life would cease to exist because obviously the internet cannot reset its internal clock for a decade that only time-traveling robots have seen?  Then came the night that that lit up ball dropped in Times Square at 12:00 AM on New Years Day and we realized, "Wait as second...hey, I'm still alive!"  Well, unless you were a person that died on that day, but for everyone else, it's totally the futuristic 2000's! We're going to move to Mars!  Meet Big Foot!  Invent a time machine and kill the dinosaurs! Find Jimmy Hoffa!  Solve the Jesus mystery!  Sure, as of 2013 none of that has happened (YET), but back in our optimistic years when 2001 rolled around, we may not have had flying cars or machines that can materialize "Earl Grey, hot" on demand either, but there were still a butt-load of monumental important achievements in science and technology arising!  For examples:

Xtreme breath leads to 
Xtreme sex, bro!

1. I graduated from high school (go whatever that team mascot was)!  Plus, I had to sit with a straight face through a graduation ceremony that featured a Vitamin C song that brought tears to at 200 young people's eyes.  Gross.
2. A pre-Scientologied Will Smith declared the decade the 'Willenium' and cemented this fact with the help of The Clash, Eva Mendes and the fact he still appeared normal at the time.
3. Inflatable plastic furniture and silver lipstick become all the rage!  Ugh, shouts David Bowie!
4. Boy bands are back with a boner-inducing VENGEANCE.  Thanks, Florida!   
5. Finally, everything everywhere began kicking it into higher gear and going to the...XTREME!

Deodorant (Right Guard XTREME), soft drinks (Do the Dew, BRO!) and extreme sports (skateboarding, small bicycling and *ROLLAH BLAHDES)!  But of course, of all these strange new inventions and ways of living, the most extremely extreme pioneer of all things to the limit on the edge of the breaking point was, obviously, none other than soft spoken non-leading man actor, TREAT WILLIAMS!  That's right, Treat "Fairy-Tale-Theatre-Dead-Heat-Straight-To-Video-Softcore-Erotic-Thriller" Williams (as he's known in most social circles)!

I've got a sweet Treat for you class!

In 2001, a beat-down Treat set out to do his dew and give helicopter-flying/train-crashing/mountain-climbing action flicks the 'Treat'ment' with 2001's Xtreme Action Adventure flick, EXTREME LIMITS (aka Crash Point Zero).  Check out the pulse pounding, fire-shooting, car-crunching, doomsday-devicing, government-conspiracy-building trailer below!

:

In case the plot isn't GLARINGLY obvious in it's entirety in the trailer, EXTREME LIMITS tells the harrowing, white-knuckle, bare-chested story of the not so world-renowned Dr. Maurice Hunter (John "Passions" Beck) and his daughter, plain-faced Nadia (Julie "What did you say?" St. Claire) who dabble in antiques (and possibly wilderness living/mountain climbing, this is never confirmed). After a nefarious organization of fleece-wearing terrorists finds out that Dr. Maurice is an expert in all things written from books of historical bullshit, he and Nadia are kidnapped by some gun-toting thugs who force the pair into aiding and abetting the bad guys to find a long-lost doomsday weapon thought to be made of only myth and legend. On a side note, now do you see what they did there with the main-ish character's last name? Maurice Hunter? You may have found it banal at the time, but now IT ALL COMES TOGETHER. Reminds me of how every time Stephen, Go-Gurt and I (I call George Lucas Go-Gurt, it's no big deal, just a funny pet name between college roommates, you wouldn't get it) have brunch together every third Sunday of the month and I'm always reminding them that my only real complaint about that Indiana Jones franchise was that main character's name. So plain! What exactly does this guy do? What is he, a porn star? Your neighbor? How about Indiana AncientArtifactFinder? Now there's a real action hero with a doctorate in archeology! I mean, come on, have some goddamn imagnation you lazy fucks! But, I digress.

"Stand back!  It's electrical!"

Thankfully for the micro-fleeced, small pony-tailed terrorists in EXTREME LIMITS and the gas money they had to have spent on the trip, according to EXTREME LIMITS lore, famed electrical engineer, Nicola Tesla, did IN FACT, build a "death ray" which he did INDEED not-so-smartly hide in the Siberian Mountains! What are the odds? Also, what is a 'death ray'? Well, this deadly futuristic weapon, also known as 'Tesla's Death Ray,' (though it was referred to as 'Tesla's Folly' until he proved it could actually work...just a little antique dealer/archeologist humor there for you) has the power to vaporize any and all fleece wearing thugs in your general vicinity, while thankfully leaving the user and all animals/scenery therein unharmed.  Its the power of ELECTRICITY!  Or at least that's what I gathered from the special effects.  Dr. Hunter quickly figures out how to activate the ray and proceeds to massacre his captives, allowing he and his daughter to escape to the safety of the endless snowy mountains they are stranded on!  Oh wait, I think a couple of guys with guns survive and give chase...eventually.

Finally, fashion you AND
your much older Aunt can enjoy!

Either way, somehow Dr. Hunter and Nadia make their way back to a Siberian airport where they plan on heading "safely" home with the 'death ray' in tow.  I guess the airport security is pretty lax in Siberia.  Meanwhile, their new barely introduced ally, a government agent named (meh, I forgot, but he looks a lot like a poor man's Alan Rickman so we'll call him Alan) Alan proceeds to introduce the back stories of their fellow plane passengers to them while they wait at the boarding gate.  It's pretty much your average group of misfits: the young, ill-tempered pill-popping high fashion model (who looks 42 and apparently, based on her wardrobe, models for the catalogs of your local Fashion Bug), her sexist and not-so-secretly in love with her spiky-haired male manager, the fiesty silver foxed widow (with her eye on Dr. Hunter, but her heart firmly in the grip of her dead husband's cold dead hand), the mysterious guy who blends in and goes mostly unnoticed...until, a diabetic who forgot his medication and a young woman who according to Alan:

Alan: "...She got to see our Russian mafia quite accidentally.  We machine gunned her mother to death." 

Oh.  Okay.  That Russian mob.  Always making HORRIBLE first impressions!  Well, enough with this motley crue, let's get on with our safe, non-threatened trip home!  The plane doesn't gets more than an twenty minutes or so in the air before a group of thugs takes control, the pilot is found out by the viewer to be in cahoots with the baddies and a bypassing plane pulls this sweet maneuver where it hooks a rig to the passenger plane in order to transport....wait a minute....this sounds super familiar...haven't we seen this very realistic terrorist scenario before?  Was it in Bosnia?  Russia?  The Olympics?  Oh wait...I remember!

:

That shit TOTALLY happened in CLIFFHANGER!  In fact, this scene in EXTREME LIMITS not only reminds me of CLIFFHANGER, but it looks EXACTLY like the actual scene that is actually in CLIFFHANGER!  Wait a second...isn't that Stallone's body double!  Why are they transferring suit cases full of money that they didn't have on the plane before?  Why does it smell like John Lithgow in here?  Before your heads explode Enemaniacs, I did the cinematic scientific digging for you and turns out, by the magic of movie-making, several of the action scenes in EXTREME LIMITS are not only stock footage from other explosions and landscapes, but ALL of the major action sequences are clips ripped straight out of other, more well known action films.  No, I'm serious.  If you take moral issue with this Hollywood film-making technique, stop your DVD here.  You have been warned.  For those ready to rock, let us continue on our journey of enematic discovery!

"Good thing I was wearing my microfleece."

So just like in CLIFFHANGER, some old guy (in this case, Dr. Hunter) foils the plans of the terrorists by knocking them over with shear brute old man force and the plane inevitably crashes on top of a snow-capped mountain.  Luckily, all of the key characters were in the front, undamaged part of the plane and survived.  Who cares about the back part of coach that fell off and burned to pieces with all those extras screaming their way to an early, fire-engulfed grave?  None of them model for FASHION BUG.  The survivors at first, huddle, discuss global terrorism and then decide what move to make next.  Let's look at the choices.  Should they:

A. Attempt to climb down the mountain as a group?
B. Drink the remainder of the pilot's booze and "get to know" each other?
C. Talk about their dead spouses?
D. Talk about their dead mothers?
E. Attempt to fight a stalking grizzly bear with a stick and a syringe filled with liquid Tylenol?
F. Separate, have Nadia run off alone with 'Tesla's Death Ray' and a gun-toting thug on her trail, have the able-bodied passengers head down the mountain with the unknown terrorist spy pilot while leaving the remaining old people/diabetes sufferers behind at the stranded plane stalked by the killer bear? 

If you chose any of the above answers, you were right!  They do all of those stupid ass things!  Eventually the able-bodied group dies in an avalanche (another scene straight from CLIFFHANGER), Dr. Hunter and his lovely widow turn each other on with sexy stories about their dead spouses, the scared old guy at the plane is killed by a bear, Nadia makes it to a cabin with the 'death ray' and opens some whiskey and the diabetic man is pretty much slipping into a coma.  Then, wait, who's that guy, oh yeah, the "star" of the movie, Treat Williams shows up!

"Sorry guys, I had to finish shooting
the last episode of Everwood."

Just as Nadia and her doomsday device settle into their new mountain cabin oasis, government agents break down the door!  Or, at least, one seemingly nice alleged CIA officer barges in and demands the 'death ray.'  Nadia is oddly quick to comply, then suddenly more CIA officers, Agent Jason Ross (TREAT!) and Agent Douglas (the adorable "Jump to Conclusions" guy from Office Space) enter the cabin!  Who is an agent and who is a terrorist?  Who is to be believed and who is just another character actor?  Also, where the fuck has main star, Treat Williams, been this whole time?  Technically, he was slightly introduced in prior scenes as he and other agents tracked the plane in some government secretive plane tracking station, but still, I am not satisfied with this soft blow intro of our main action star!  Where is his dirty, unkempt bachelor pad?  His pet iguana?  His one night stand he throws pants at and tells to get the hell out?  His introductory pours beer in his cereal scene?  How are we supposed to know this guy means business if we don't know how recklessly he lives his personal life or how many meaningless sexual encounters he participates in?  WHO ARE YOU, AGENT ROSS AND HOW WILL YOU SAVE MY WORLD?  

Neither the viewer or Nadia have too long to decide because before Agent Douglas can finish one of his patented gentle ribbings of Agent Ross, a helicopter starts to hella shoot up the cabin!  Oh no, it's ANOTHER rogue government agent (Jesus, what is the screening process for these people?)  Agent Ross acts quickly enough to save Nadia, but not the poor initial agent or his partner of who knows how long, sweet, puffy, old Agent Douglas.  He's only allowed one more JFK conspiracy joke and then he dies of bullet wounds.  Sad.  Now, on to more borrowed action!

A helicopter and car chase from NARROW MARGIN!  A train crash and bridge explosion sequence from A LONG KISS GOODNIGHT!  In fact, the only quasi original material in any following scenes involve classic quips, of course!  Here are some choice picks!:

Agent Ross!:

Agent Ross: "...Who's paying their rights for the end of the world?"

Valid question!

A thug!:

Thug: "...Did you know the Chinese invented pasta?  We thought they'd like to add this bit of chow mein to their arsenal."

Wow.  I did not know that and okay!

When Nadia and Ross fall into the hands of the bad guys, they briefly think they will be saved by some government agents that show up and then, duh, they are bad guys too:

Terrorist Ring-leader: "...Are you Indian?"
Agent Ross: "...What does that matter?"
Terrorist Ring-leader: "...It matters if you're an Indian because they're with me, Chief."

Ha!  I see what you did there!  Sort of.

When Nadia asks what happened to the Tesla Death Ray after the bridge explosion:

Agent Ross: "...It's history."

TOUCHE.

Now that I'm thinking xtremely hard about it, I don't believe there is a better way to extremely recommend this extremely recycled action movie other than to mention the very important, top 10 moments where EXTREME LIMITS takes movie-making limits to the EXTREME, so here they are in the order I remember them!

Mega rum raisin!

1. XTREME BEAR HUNTING!: Two old guys attempt to kill a bear by stabbing it with a syringe full of headache medicine taped to the end of a small stick!  Why are they being stalked by a lone grizzly in Canada in the middle of winter?  Good question!  Please see 'science' for the answers you seek! 
2. XTREMELY RUM RAISIN MATTE LIPSTICK!: All the ladies wear it!  In a movie borrowing everything from other movies, they also manage to borrow fashion from the '90's and $60 from the make-up and wardrobe department to go CRAZY in the Bartell's cosmetic section.  Pharmacy store shopping spree to the XTREME!
3. XTREMELY LONG WAIT FOR THE MAIN STAR!: No, seriously.  Where the fuck is Treat?
4. XTREME CLIP RIPS!:  Right?!  See everything else written above!
5. XTREME JFK CONSPIRACY JOKES!: Agent Douglas makes at least three quips about knowing who killed JFK.  Unfortunately, since Agent Ross is shitty at protecting his partner from gunfire, the world may never know the real truth. Xtremely disappointing.
6. XTREME CONFUSION ABOUT THE INTERNET!: Understandably, the internet was in it's early stages of regular use when this film came out, although I'd like to think the CIA had a more comprehensive understanding of it at the time.  Regardless, several agents make references to "...I checked the internet," "...I found it on the internet," "...the internet said," and so on.  I guess the internet is where they found all those CLIFFHANGER clips.
7. XTREMELY LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DEAD SPOUSES!: As the old people wait in the stranded half-plane hoping for some kind of make believe rescue, Dr. Hunter and old lady get into long drawn out stories about their passed on past loves.  REALLY get into.  In fact, they apparently fall in love with each other while sharing anecdotes on what her dead husband's favorite bourbon was and how Dr. Hunter was never there for his dead wife.  Xtremely hot dead spouse talk!
8. XTREMELY OLD STOCK FOOTAGE!: Not only does this movie use scenes straight out of other movies (some of which are are ten years old at the time of it's release), but it also uses stock footage of trains in motion, train stations and landscapes which are clearly from the 1970s-1980's!  The film quality is visibly different and it becomes even more xtremely noticeable when the people at the train station are clearly dressed like it's 1982 and it's no big deal, meaning a crew of extras that happened to have just returned from an 80's party is out of the question.  Xtremely lazy!
9. XTREME HISTORICAL INACCURACIES!: So, Tesla.  One time, he built this thing and called it a "Death Ray."  What does it do?  Oh, it like, blows up people.  Whatever.  Go back to high school.  It's in those books.
10. XTREMELY CONFLICTING STORIES!:  According to the trailer, there is a doomsday device.  According to the DVD packaging, it's highly sensitive explosives.  According to both, Treat Williams is the star of the movie.  According to the movie, that's not true.  Xtremely confusing!      

Times Douglas mentions JFK: 4
Borrowed Clips: 8-17
Mentions Of The Internet: 6
Random Possible Ethnic Slurs: 3
Amount Of Times Nicola Tesla Invented A Death Ray: 0 1   
Dead Spouse Stories: 5
Successful Bear Traps: 0
Minutes Before Treat Williams Is On Screen: 23
Dummies Thrown Off Cliffs: 2
Death Ray Is Used: 2
Flashbacks: 3 or 4?
What Did You Say?: 7
Best Head Shot Ever Provided To The Internet By An Actor Starring In EXTREME LIMITS That Is Not Treat Williams: 1

You're welcome.

*Xtreme Rollah blaadhin' is also known as "Soul-Skating."  See the Disney Channel for more info.

TEC Podcast: Episode 16: Santa Said Oral

After a brief Thanksgiving holiday hiatus, The Enematic Cinematic Podcast is back with Episode 16!  This is the first episode in my December "Horrible Holidays" block with the horror holiday film, 1989's ELVES, starring Grizzly Adams Dan Haggerty and rubber puppets whose mouths never close!  A disgraced former detective and recovering alcoholic (Dan Haggerty) is forced to take a job as a mall Santa to pay his trailer park rent and in the process discovers a secret experimental breeding conspiracy involving the cute teenaged main character girl that works at the mall, elves, an old crippled German and Nazis!  Will Grizzly Adams be able to stop Nazi's little helpers before Tiffany Stacey Kirsten is sperminated?  Probably.

My guests this holiday fun and Nazi-laden episode are adorable comedians Jessica Strauss (who I thought would never speak to me again after making her watch El Muerto in Episode 7) and brand new guest, comedian Barbara Holm!  Together we discuss the complications of incest, the true meaning of the biblical story of Noah and his arc, the plague of public displays of affection and of course, the serious burn on Jews that Nazis considered Elves superior.  Sick burn!

You can download this and all TEC Podcast episodes for free from podbean site here or find us on iTunes.

Born to Ride (1991)Dir. Graham BakerGenre: Action/Period Piece

"...That's the wave of the future? Get a horse!"

Don't be fooled by the steamy Stamos video cover art, Born to Ride is actually a pretty decent movie.  The production quality is higher than expected, the acting is fair and the story is stupid, but it's at least well written.  The best and worst part of this movie is it's star Uncle Jesse John Stamos.  It's really his steamy-eyed sarcasm and ho boning that make this a B-movie.  If they had put another actor in this role, it may have actually made some money, but thankfully they didn't and thus we have the cheese-fest that is 1991's Born to Ride courtesy of John Stamos' shit-eating grin and perfectly manicured eyebrows.  Swoon.  Try to keep your pants on while enjoying the trailer below.

John Stamos.  Bad to the boner.

Another thing about the video cover that might throw you off is the time period.  Although it appears this is going to be a 80's biker flick starring ruggedly 80's John Stamos, it's actually made in the 90's and is set in the 30's.  1939 Kentucky to be exact.  Stamos plays lawless biker and all around cad Grady Westfall who while riding his hog on the highway, spots a pretty lady and decides to follow her.  Thankfully if it's Stamos, it's not rape.  Turns out she's on her way to a military event attended by her father, a Colonel in the United States Army.  The event is a presentation to members of the military about a new Army unit "of the future" where the soldiers ride motorcycles rather than the traditional horses.  Unfortunately, the showcase doesn't go well since the soldiers of the unit can't ride a bike for shit.  Grady crashes the event and in order to get laid impress the girl, he rides around the arena on his motorcycle doing tricks and showing up all the bumbling bike soldiers.  He's arrested and soon after is visited by an Army Colonel who offers to bail him out in exchange for teaching his Army cavalry how to ride. 

Colonel Deves: "...You ride that thing like most people walk on two legs."

Dirty.  The Colonel was so impressed by his skills at the event, he's willing to enlist him and even giving him the rank of Corporal, no boot camp or VD test required.  Unfortunately for the Colonel, he must endure several steamy Stamos eye squints and bad sarcastic one-liners before he agrees.

Colonel Deves: "...I need someone to teach my men how to ride them machines and you're the man to do it."
Grady: "...The dream department is down the hall."

Obviously eventually Grady agrees to take the gig and he is taken to the Army base and suited up.  I'm pretty sure 85% of the reason this movie was made was just an excuse to put John Stamos into a uniform.  Grady meets with conflict at the base from all the soldiers in his unit who rightfully wonder why he didn't have to shave his hair off and also why he outranks them with no military background.  Well, I assume this is where all the homoerotic aggression from all the men comes from.  Either way they try to harass, bait and fight Grady in the beginning while Grady just flashes that shit-eating grin, makes sarcastic remarks and continues to try and bone the Colonel's daughter.

"Oh these?  They're my red wings."

After a few training montages highlighting Grady's rapist wit and unorthodox methods, the men in his unit have grown to respect him, the officers above him hate him and he accomplishes in boning the Colonel's daughter (aka that blond woman) in a lake (aka 1939 birth control).  The Colonel decides the men are ready for their top secret motorcycle mission which is enter a motorcycle race happening in Spain as a rouse to get soldiers in the country so they can stop Nazis from gaining vital military intelligence from the Spanish.  Yeah.  So the men enter the race, shoot some Nazis, save some scientists and engage in helicopter/motorcycle pursuits. God bless John Stamos America.

So the random historically inaccurate plot line aside, this film is actually pretty good.  It borderlines on actual film making several times, but thankfully John Stamos brings us back to Earth with an unnecessary sex scene, an unfunny sarcastic remark or a stupid smoldering glance into the camera.  Besides Stamos securing this film's spot in the B-movie archive, here are five other reasons this movie will forever be enjoyable to those of us with low cinematic standards.

5. Historical Inaccuracies

"Is anyone else confused why weren't not racist towards the Asian guy?"

First of all, I should mention I am in no way an expert in the history of the United States Military.  In fact, most of what I know about the military I learned from either Predator or M*A*S*H.  What I believe to be bullshit is, I don't think the military ever created an elite "motorcycle unit."  I get how motorcycles seemed less trouble than horses, but I don't know if there was ever an actual changeover as this.  Either way, this produces one of the greatest lines of the film.  The boys are riding their motorcycles around the base and a soldier shouts at them:

Soldier: "...That's the wave of the future?  Get a horse!"

I may start shouting this at people walking or hitch hiking on the street (from the bus).  Also, hypothetically thinking there was such a unit, I'm not sure they would send this particular group in to bum rush a bunch of Nazi spies.  Speaking of Nazis, it's never really explained why they kidnapped the two Spanish scientists in the film or what military or nuclear information they're after.  On second thought, it probably was, but that doesn't change the fact that the story line is fucking ridiculous.  One of the Nazi characters has a great line in the film though.  After kidnapping the Spanish scientists he says to them:

Nazi: "...I am Colonel Muhl, S.S.  You have nothing to fear from me Doctor."

I'm pretty sure this sentence is an oxymoron. 

4. What Fucking Decade Is This?

If the opening sequence had not flashed "Kentucy 1939" it might have taken me up until half way through the movie to understand it wasn't the late 80's.  Although the set designers attempt to convince us with 40's wardrobes, antique cars/motorcycles and Nazis, Stamos is absolutely rocking an 80's do, the soundtrack is all 80's classic rock and Grady able to fuck a rich unmarried society girl openly and super casually.  Maybe the last one is possible, but the rest don't attempt whatsoever to establish a believable time period.  There is also modern slang used in the film, like when the soldiers infiltrate the Nazi lair and Grady shoots one, a fellow solider says:

Soldier: "...Did you really have to kill him?"
Grady: "...Sorry bro."

3. Homoerotic Sexual Tension

Ironic sign photo bomb.

There are SEVERAL moments of homoerotic sexual tension in this movie.  Some may be written in the script, some I may have fantasized about in my mind, either way it's real!  This first begins when Grady is training the men to ride their bikes.  For the fist training exercise, Grady takes the boys down to a local bar and sets up a table outside filled with pints of beer.  The challenge is to ride their bikes up to the table, shifting with their foot instead of their hand.  Easy enough.  The reward is you get to drink a beer.  Fratty, but it's the military so I get it, but then Grady says: 

Grady: "...If you blow it, you lose a piece of your uniform."

Of course, right after this the next guy fucks up and all the men chant, "...take it off!"  Correct me if I'm wrong, but is the basic jist of this game is, get drunk or get naked?  Either way, Stamos wins.  After the men are sufficiently drunk or barely clothed, Grady says:

Grady: "...Okay, we tested your balance, your dexterity.."

He is interrupted by the bartender next to him who says:

Bartender: "...What about their balls?"

Grady smiles, but unfortunately we never get to see where this goes because the Colonel shows up and breaks up the party.  Boo.  Eventually Grady and the other high ranking officer of the unit, Captain Jack come to blows, (pun) a fight of which ends up in a shower filled with both clothed and naked soldiers egging them on.  Hmmm.  This also goes no where though because once again, cock blocking Colonel Deves shows up.  Double boo.

2. Top Gun Rip-Offs Similarities

It's like Top Gun with attractive non-closeted gays.

If you get a feeling of deja vu when watching this movie, there is a reason.  Born to Ride is essentially Top Gun on motorcycles.  Stamos plays a lone gun and renegade character who refuses to follow the rules and pisses off all the higher ranking officers who are forced to recognize his talent while putting up with his recklessness, you know, like Maverick (Tom Cruise) in Top Gun.  Grady falls for a blond civilian on the base, in this case the Colonel's daughter Beryl Ann (Teri Polo).  In Top Gun Maverick falls for a blond civilian living on base, astrophysicist Charlie (Kelly McGillis).   

"Are you as uncomfortable as I am?"

Grady faces conflict with a by-the-book jealous Captain, Jack Hessler (John Stockwell) who distrusts Grady's reckless ways, is incesed that higher ups overlook Grady's attitude in favor of his talent and who also shares an affection for Beryl Ann.  Maverick faces conflict with a by-the-book jealous Navy pilot, LT Tom "Iceman" (Val Kilmer) who distrusts Maverick's reckless ways, is incensed that higher ups overlook Maverick's attitude in favor of his talent and who also shares an affection for Charlie.  In both films, the men are sent on a dangerous mission in which the reckless hero saves the life of the doubting rival and the two become friends.  Oh and of course both Grady and Maverick get the girl.

The only difference between the two movies (besides the time period, motorcycles, the military branch and Stamos) is in Top Gun, Maverick's closest friend, an awkward play-it-safe soldier is killed by ejecting into a mid-air collision during a mission partially due to Maverick's ill-timed advice.  In Born to Ride, Grady's only supporter, an awkward play-it-safe soldier is killed after the group ride their motorcycles down some dangerous terrain on Grady's advice.  The difference in this scene is everything seems all well and good until a soldier comments, "...Do you smell gas?"  The awkward soldier looks down at his leaking tank while everyone shouts "...Get off your bike!"  Too late.  The bike explodes in a giant ball of fire and the soldier is killed.  I guess they thought the explosion part of the scene was the necessary part to recreate.  Unlike Maverick in Top Gun, Grady isn't affected by this too much, in fact all the soldiers ride away and it's never brought up again.  Grady is even back to his sarcastic self five minutes later.

1. Securing Stamos Sexiness

"Don't worry. Water is the best birth control there is."

The absolute number one priority of this film was to keep John Stamos sexy.  If that means we have to alter styles and attitudes of the chosen time period, then so be it!  I don't care if it is the military, DO NOT TOUCH his fucking hair.  He is never allowed to button up the shirt on his military uniform, something which no one complains about.  He is never allowed to wear a helmet even though he is constantly riding a motorcycle.  He must remain sarcastic, smiley and witty even in the most inappropriate situations.  There must be a long, drawn out sex scene where we find a reason to make him wet.  First and foremost, he must NEVER express true emotion or emotional attachment to any one human being.  He is a renegade, a mystery an outlaw.  This is what I assume was written verbatim in his contract for this movie when he signed on.  Maybe give or take a few things.

Ultimately this film was surprisingly good and worth the watch.  It's definitely no Never Too Young To Die (more on that, coming soon), but then again, NOTHING could ever be. 

Steamy Stamos Faces: 19

Snarky Stamos Comments: 35

Stamos Sex: 1

Stamos Stalking: 4

Historical Inaccuracies: 16

Chicks On Bikes: 3

Nazis: 6

Times Grady Is Yelled At: 43

Homoerotic Moments: 14

Stamos Smoking: 9

Electric Guitar Riffs: 7

Other Movie Moments: 5

Times Stamos Is Shot: 0

Helicopter/Motorcycle Chases: 2

Times I Got A Stamos Boner: Infinity

Top Five Commercial B-Movies With (Implied) Bestiality

Unfortunately, scenes of inter-species conquest are not always held prisoner to curtained-off rooms of your local video store.  In fact, some of these tacky tales of forbidden love find their way on the big screen to be enjoyed by audiences for at least the opening weekend.  So, in honor of that blue-filtered image of Gary Busey mounting a shrieking Vanity that will forever haunt my brain, I give you TEC's top five commercial B-movies with bestiality themes that do not include rape or coconuts.  For the most part anyway.  No animals were harmed in the making of these shitty films.  I can't promise as much for the actors involved.

5.  Encino Man (1992)

I feel hard pressed placing this film under the title of "B-movie" since it stars some of the greatest thespians of our generation, Brendan "So Fraise and so clean" Fraiser, Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin and Pauley Shore (limp Jew-fro in tact), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong anywhere else.  Encino man is about two high school senior class (allegedly) losers, Dave (Sean Astin) and Stoney (Pauley Shore) who are digging a pool in Dave's backyard and unearth a Cro-magnon man, fully in tact, organs and all, encased in block of ice.  Dave, who longs for the popularity that is enjoyed by Dom DeLuise's nephew and Rose McGowan at his So-Cal High School in Encino decides to defrost the caveman and take it on Letterman so he can get prom king votes.  I'm pretty sure this is how the social casting system works.  What they didn't expect was for the caveman (enter Brendan Frasier) to thaw and turn out to be an apish party dude who just wants to chill, bra!  The guys pretend he's a foreign exchange student from Estonia named Link and try to teach him how to be "normal" or at least not eat flies and throw women over his shoulder to take off somewhere to rape mate with.  Hey asshole, welcome to the 90's!  We've come along way since the Cro-magnon era.  We can even vote now! 



So this is how white people get dreads.

Anyhow, I do find there to be a questionable subtle bestiality tone to this movie.  No one has sex in the movie, or at least on screen anyway, but all the girls in school want the bone the "new guy" and bone him bad.  The reason I find this to be questionably illegal is, isn't this guy still in the slow process of evolution?  At this point, he's more monkey than man, right?  He definitely acts like a monkey, he even invents a dance at the prom in the end they call "the monkey."  Therefore, I deem sexual transgressions with this dude to be inter-species coitus.  Actually, I consider it to be the same case if you want to bone Brendan Frasier as well.

4. Walk Like A Man (1987)

Howie Mandel, with a full head of hair, plays Bobo Shand, a man raised by wolves who is discovered by "beautiful" wildlife behaviourist Penny (Amy Steel), yes those people are always attractive, and returned to his millionaire family where he is set to inherit a fortune.  Only problem is, a collision course to wackiness ensues when Bobo is somehow unable to adapt to high society and would rather sniff snooty old ladies butts, lap up champagne from the flute and eat with the dogs!  Oh those wolf foster parents!  They didn't even bother to teach Bobo any manners.  They must have just been in it for the government check.  Also, his greedy brother played by Christopher Lloyd wants the inheritance all to himself and plans to neuter poor Bobo, permanently!  Or wait...he plans to put him to sleep, permanently!  Or, never mind the metaphor.  He just wants to kill him.

 The bestiality aspect of the storyline involves the animal behaviourist, Penny, who dedicates all her time in teaching Bobo how to act like a real man.  You know, speak some sort of human language and walk on two legs and stuff, but in the course of their teaching, she predictably starts to fall for Bobo and eventually they end up together.  Before the true love happens, there is a lot of sniffing and awkward sexual tension between Bobo and Penny.  I know that Bobo is technically a dude, but he still walks on all fours, barks and chases cats.  The fact that she found this arousing endearing from the get go is already a little creeper to me.



"Be a good dog Bobo and sit and stay while we watch Sex & The City."



Even when he's able to walk upright in a Hawaiian shirt and shop at a mall like every other civilized human being, he still howls and scratches himself.  Why the hell is this woman so desperate?  Also, all the courting involves dog-like behavior on his part.  I know it's not real bestiality, but he's just as stupid as a dog.  If she was one of those creepy old rich ladies that slathered peanut butter on her bush and told Bobo to come lap it up, he would and now it's considered foreplay.  Those ladies (do you hear me Joan Collins?) need to get themselves some wolf-raised dudes.  Is it possible Penny had a thing for dogs before meeting Bobo, but couldn't bring herself to express it because you know, it's a social taboo and really illegal, thankfully?  It's like if you are secretly into children and date a proportional little person to be able to not only express your dirty fetish outwardly, but also seem like a really open-minded and non-judgemental person will doing so.  Maybe I'm reading more into this than I should.  Either way, Penny, I know what you're doing girl and you nasty!  

3. Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Though this film was originally intended to be released as Creepshow 3, I think fans of the television series would agree that it holds up well to the original television series, although I really missed the opening title sequence which is by far the best thing about TFTDS.  An anthology movie including three short horror stories told by Joey Lawrence's little brother while he attempts to distract Debbie Harry as she prepares to cook him, TFTDS is sort of hard to fit in the B-movie genre since it's got great production value, special effects and Rae Dawn Chong.  Since the movie itself has been largely panned by critics, had a smaller budget than most Hollywood horror movies and failed at the box office, I'm going to go ahead and refer to this one as such. 

The questionable animal/human bonerizing tale in question is the third in the film, titled "Lover's Vow."  It tells the tale of Preston (James Remar), a brooding artist living in New York City who just can't seem to sell enough of this shitty art pieces in order to pay his bills (a rarity I'm sure).  One night while leaving through the alley exit after closing time at his local watering hole, he witnesses a gargoyle looking thing that viciously murders a friend of his.  The gargoyle approaches him and he begs to be spared.  The creature says that his life will be spared if he promises not to reveal to ANYONE what he saw.  Preston swears and the monster lets him ago. 

 

"What are you starring at? Is there something in my teeth?"



As he rushes back to his apartment on the dark streets alone, he encounters Carola (RAE DAWN MOTHERFUCKING CHONG, DOG!) who he freaks out about her walking alone.  She's not sure what his damage is and he can't really tell her, but he convinces her to come up to his apartment since she has no where to stay.  WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! Fast forward ten years and Preston has become a successful artist once again, inspired by the love of his life Carola, who by now is his wife and mother of his two young children.  Although everything in their lives seems perfect, Preston is still haunted by the night they met and has been wrestling with whether or not he should tell Carola the truth.  On their ten year anniversary, he decides to tell her what he saw and even shows her a sculpture of the gargoyle thing he's been working on for several years.  Understandably, she freaks out, but not for the reasons you think.  She starts screaming, "...you promised you wouldn't tell" and her voice gets really demony.  Then she begins to transform into the gargoyle creature, which is pretty gross and awesome.  Preston starts begins crying and his two small children run out from their room.  Suddenly they are creepy gargoyle creatures as well.  The Carola creature and Preston share some weepy "I love yous" and she promptly rips out his jugular vein.  

 

A murderous monster, but her ethnicity seemed so harmless.



Here's the rub for me.  So, this whole time, he's been technically screwing a gargoyle in human hide.  Is a gargoyle a kind of animal?  It has wings and horns and apparently has a vagina so I'm going to categorize it as such.  What do you think ran through Preston's mind when Rae Dawn starting stripping off all her lady skin and revealed herself to be this butt-ugly winged monster underneath?  I guarantee his first thought had to be, "...this is who I've really been boning this whole time?"  Of course before he could really get into the more introspective meaning behind their inter-species escapades, he's murdered which is probably better for everybody in the end.  Those kids would just have grown up to they themselves subjecting poor unbeknownst human to their bi-gargoyle charms.  We could have had a whole race of secret gargoyles on our hands.  It would have been like V for real!  Is this starting to sound racist?

2.  Sleepwalkers (1992)

This is where things start getting more literal.  1992's Sleepwalkers is a lower budget Hollywood film based off a story by horror author Stephen King that involves a supposed teenage boy, Charles (Brian Krause) and his eerily young in appearance mother that move to a small town.  Charles immediately crushes on a local girl named Tanya and begins pursuing her.  He seems all blonde and sweet and first, but after agreeing to a date, Tanya quickly realizes that Charles is actually a cat-like monster who needs to kidnap her so his mom, also a cat-like monster, can consume her virginal essence (whatever that is, wink).  

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."

There is the obvious implication of the cat/human on human intimacy that happens, but the real WTF moment of this movie (besides Stephen King's random cameo) is the scene of Charles and his mother doing it.  Yes, it's got incest and beastiality wrapped into one fucked up cat-like burrito!  In the scene where Charles and his mom are rolling all over eachother, the camera pans to the mirror which not only shows them naked and possibly boning, but shows them in their full cat-beast form.  It's pretty awesome gross, or at least I remembered it being as much as a kid.  The predicatable twist of this one is that the "sleepwalkers" or cat beasts are only vunerable to the scratch of a domestic house cat.  Stephen King really seems to love him some cats.  Oh Stephen, you sure are a crazy old cat lady in a not very convincing disguise!  Eventually all the town's local kitty population forms a cat mob and pounce on the cat beats' house.  I'm not sure what the deal with the cats are or at least I don't really remember.  Maybe they just want to stop all this unnecessary inter-species breeding.  Is this starting to sound racist?

1. Humanoids From the Deep (1980)

As far as animals raping humans goes, you don't get much more graphic than Roger Corman's Humanoids From the Deep.  In fact, Tanya's Island also came out the same year from Canada.  Perhaps it was Canada's response to the new craze in animal rape films.  Not sure.  Either way, Humanoids does it better and by better I mean it's so ridiculous and over the top camp, it's not trying to get political or send a message except maybe to keep our oceans clean which I can totally stand behind.  Humanoids is about a small beachside town which is reaked havoc upon by scientic experiments with fish and human DNA somehow gone awry.  The fish monsters begin to invade the town to kill the men and rape the hot ladies.  It's kind of like the Spanish conquests of Mexico, but you know, with no financial benefit in the end.  

"Shh Jenny, it's me Nemo."

I don't think I need to go into detail as to why this is implied beastiality and by implied I mean, it's not real since the fish men rapists are really fully covered stunt guys in fish suits.  Humanoids does what Tanya's Island didn't as far as animal rape scenes goes, it makes fun of itself.  There's a parade in the town at some point to crown the Miss Salmon of the year that is disrupted by the murderous/rapey fish guys.  It'a awesome.  Okay, the rapey parts are a little queasy, but it's just so ridiculous, in fact there are times the models actresses being fish ravaged appear to be holding back laughter.  This is what B-movies are all about.  Especially if they're going to approach such heavy hitting social taboo material such as fish rape.  Someone's got to put this out in the public sphere for dialogue and only Roger Corman could do so with both grace and humor.  Plus a lot of bush and boobs. 

                   

TEC Podcast: Episode 4: Hold On To Your Boobs, Girl!

It's Episode 4 of the TEC Podcast and this one is a shit-slinging doozy of jurassic porportions (PUNS)!  It's not that epic, but it was pretty painfully bad.  It's 1994's Walker: T-Rex Dinosaur Tammy and the T-Rex starring a fresh eyebrowed Denise Richards and ten whole minutes of a young denim-covered Paul Walker!  With me on this time-traveling, gay stereotype and ankh filled episode are comedian and "The Stranger" Gong Show winner Solomon Georgio plus artist/animator and "The Stranger" Hump Fest regular, Mark "Pasteyboy" Allender!  So there's no Jeff Goldblum, but this movie has the distinction of having the one and only ever cinematic "testicular standoff"!  Plus, dino-shoulder brushing and ass petting!  Don't worry, it's not bestiality if the animal is extinct.  I'd still watch out for those puppet arms though, they seem a little rapey.

                      

COMING SOON...TEC PODCAST EPISODE 4!

You're in for a real treat for Episode 4 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast, Enemaniacs!  It's a powerhouse of shits and giggles!  A time-traveling, gay ol' powerhouse!  First off, I've got two awesome guests, comedian Solomon Georgio and animator Mark "Pastey Boy" Allender! 

Now if that's not enough, and why would it be, the movie we are ripping apart in this episode is none other than the dino-sized shitberg, 1994's Tammy and the T-Rex starring a pre-tweezed, possibly pre-crazy Denise Richards as average high-school-aged cute nice girl Tammy and a pre-Deedles, pre-Dieseled Paul Walker as average high-school-aged football player Michael's brain in an animatronic T-Rex!  Lost?  Okay, I'll try to explain.

So the story is as follows, Tammy and Michael are boyfriend and girlfriend, but Tammy's asshole violent ex Billy is totally still into her.  For this reason, he and his ugly friends harass Michael and beat him up a lot.  After one of their usual pranks, Michael ends up in a coma.  His ambulance picked the wrong hospital though, because it just so happens mad Dr. Wachenstein (Terry Kiser) is in the market for a young healthy brain to put into his animatronic dinosaur for possibly, world domination of some kind!  Will Michael get back to his body in time?  Will Tammy still love his dino dick?  Will this movie ever come out on DVD?  These answers and more on the next episode!  If you want proof this piece of shit cinema actually exists and you don't have a VCR, the entire movie is available for viewing on YouTube.  Here the trailer to give you an idea why you should see this thing. Dino-charades people.  That shit HAPPENS.

TAMMY AND THE T REX: Movie Trailer. Watch more top selected videos about: Terry Kiser, Paul Walker