The WTF Film of the Week!

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."

Okay, so a few weeks ago, I posted a trailer for some insane looking possible Beastiality softcore porn-fest titled, Tanya's Island from glorious 1980 and featuring the pre-crack addicted, fuller-bodied naked and talking talents of Vanity as Tanya. You know, that Vanity. Except in the film she is credited as "D.D. Winters" which is also NOT her real name, it's actually Katrina Matthews which sounds neither like vagina or a nick name for your penis.  Though the time I posted the trailer, I swore to never watch the film, let alone post a review, I eventually changed my mind.  Listen, I knew this thing had to be a piece of shit and there was a very real chance it was going to be disturbing on several levels, but come on!  It looked so ridiculous that macabre curiosity of viewing those shark attacks and old lady vs. train collisions on those banned from television videos set in.  What the fuck could this film possibly be about?  Is there just constant nudity and sex for the full hour and a half and most importantly and also most disturbing, is there actually a film in existence that involves an ape man ape raping 1980's Vanity???  What in 80's fuckery??  It just seemed like a bad punchline to a hackey joke.  I had to know!  Trailer below, NSFW! 

Tanya's Island brought to you by Tanya's landing strip.

So before you get all excited about renting this turd and rounding up a group of shitty movie loving friends, some cheese puffs and a 12 pack, I bring bad news Enemaniacs.  This film is NOT WATCHABLE!  It starts out entertainingly cheesy enough, with a fully-naked bare bushed Vanity projected onto the island background of the opening credits, writhing around and faking an orgasm or something.  Already I decide, this turd totally has B-movie potential.  Then, flash forward to, well, Vanity Tanya jogging along the busy streets of some city for a very long time, completely clothed head to toe.  There are a lot of close ups of her face while she jogs.  A lot.

Then, all of sudden we're thrown back and forth between scenes of her filming some possible music video in a train with guys dressed in racially insensitive African tribal garb, shots of the the stop motion animated gorilla in scenes from 1949's Mighty Joe Young and Tanya STILL jogging.  It gets even more disjointed from there.  There is no explanation who any of the characters are or where they are.  During the shots filmed in the dinner train, a woman approaches Tanya and makes some rambling comment about Tanya's "career."  Okay, so I guess she's a pop singer?  Then Tanya is suddenly knocking on the door of some apartment and is greeted angrily by a bearded guy.  The guy tells her to leave and she asks to come in.  He tells her he never wants to see her again and she continues to pathetically beg to stay.  This is followed by her forcing her way into the apartment where he promptly get's creepily aggressive with her and throws her around all the while shouting that he doesn't want her.  Yeah.  She says some more passive pathetic things involving her creepy co-dependence to this guy and then, suddenly the scene cuts to her in another apartment alone.  This film shits all over segues.   Once in another apartment, which I assume is her own, Tanya hears a grunting noise which she follows in, oh, here we go SLOW MOTION because this whole time I was thinking to myself, Jesus, this plot is moving along so quickly with so much going on, if only they'd slow it down for a bit!  After probably 10 minutes of Tanya walking to a door, she opens it and suddenly, that's right, is on some deserted island.

Wait, how are they boning if his flaccid penis is dangling? Ghost boner?

Of course, there is no explanation as to whether this is a time warp, flash back or dream sequence.  She's just suddenly in a different more revealing outfit, riding a white horse and talking to the asshole abusive ex-boyfriend, who she has apparently now re-boyfriended.  We learn that this bearded guy is named Lobo, is still an aggressive asshole and is a surrealist painter.  Tanya and Lobo frolic and fuck around the island and act as if they've lived there together all their lives.  At some point when Tanya is picking fruit in the jungle, she thinks she sees something in the trees.  She is frightened and runs to Lobo, who of course mocks her for being a pussy instead of comforts her in anyway because that's what artists do.  Tanya decides to explore the island on her own to find if they are truly alone and eventually comes upon a deserted cave housing a creepy ape man creature who she secretly be-friends and names him Blue because of his blue eyes.  She begins sneaking away each day to swim naked in Blue's cave while he watches her and chews a stick.  No, seriously, that's what they do.  She keeps this friendship from her asshole boyfriend for undisclosed reasons, but I assume it's because she doesn't want to mix their friends circles in case they break up.  Blue starts stalking Tanya and Lobo's tent at night which culminates in a confrontation between Lobo and Blue when Blue rips up one of Lobo's ape paintings, dick.  Lobo ends up following Tanya into the jungle one day and discovers who naked swimming/stick eating friendship with Blue.  Naturally, he's pissed.  He's a sensitive guy.  Instead of confronting Tanya then and there, he waits for her back at the tent so when he can ask her where she was, catch her in a lie and then rip off her top and forcibly finger her.  This is where the movie takes a turn for the seriously rapey and fucked up.  Which should have made it more entertaining, but it doesn't. 

Blue reflects on whether he should have worn a condom.

 The rest of the film involves a man vs. beast struggle between Lobo and Blue for Tanya's affections which involves Lobo dressing up as some stereotype of an Afican tribal member and building a bamboo prison to keep Tanya in and Blue out.  Oh yeah and he also feels the need to rape her in front of Blue's ape face.  Blue eventually frees Tanya from the prison after the rape only to, you guessed it, rape her himself.  That's right, this movie has a Vanity double dipping rape scene and no, it is not worth watching just for this WTF moment.  I promise you.


Besides numbing your brain on lack of dialogue and plot alone, if you have any normal level of confidence, Tanya's insistence on returning to Lobo after he treats her like shit and forcibly fists her at some point is excruciatingly obnoxious.  She even goes to him for comfort when Blue is attacking the bamboo cage post Lobo raping her.  I'm not sure if the director/writer intended this film to be some sort of metaphor about male aggression and sexuality, a dialogue about misogyny or even a documentary about the beginnings of AIDS, but even if that was the intention, Vanity's boobies and bush cannot save this dull, boring and frustratingly ridiculous excuse for an erotic drama.  I've seen episodes of Red Shoe Diaries better than this and the people in it have flaccid penis fake sex were uglier!  If the only pay off of this movie is a slow motion, blue filtered Gary Busey-looking ape suit raping a post-Princed/Loboed Vanity, I say get a better gimmick and preferably one that is more legal.

Turns out, Jesus does not do a body good.

In case anyone wonders, Vanity aka Katrina Matthews, left the spotlight in the 80's after almost losing both her kidneys to a crack cocaine addiction and has since become an Evangelical Christian preacher.  I know most people would credit the crack for this career move, but I really have to blame Tanya's Island because when you think about it, I'm pretty sure making this shit storm turned her onto crack in this first place.  R.I.P Vanity (1980's something - 1980's something).   

The WTF Film(?) Of the Week

This WTF collection of film shorts came to my attention in two ways.  First of all, there happens to be a 50 DVD film collection known as "The Decrepit Crypt Of Nightmares" on sale at my local Half Price Books discounted book store for the past year.  Since the first time I saw it, I was intrigued.  It was the titles on the back that sold me, Dead Body Man, Hip Hop Locos, Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City and the soon to be mentioned shit-kicking shit movie in question, Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horror Fest.  This sounded interesting, but it didn't really stand out more than the rest.  Update for anyone that cares, I have yet to buy that pack.  I'm still waiting on a mark down.  If you live locally and decide to buy this out from under me, I'll tell you right now, you're an asshole. 

Anyway...the other way in which this film oozed it's way into my life and onto my movie screen is through a friend of mine, who happens to also be an employee at my local video store.  He was asking me if I had ever since the shitfest known as Scarlet Fry's Junk...blah blah blah and I told him my not so funny story about my elusive movie value pack.  He told me that the movie was a collection of mini alleged horror shorts of the white trashiest kind all hosted by some redneck zombie calling himself Scarlet Fry.  Figures.  In fact, he specifically recommended one about some skate boarders trying to score drugs.  Turns out, my friend's place of employment just so happened to carry both of the movie collections burned on DVD and I ended up renting them both.

"Hey, can you tell me where the Hot Topic is around here?"

Okay, now for the WTF news.  I knew these things were on DVR with no labels so I didn't expect high quality, plus my friend had already warned me that the whole thing was filmed on a hand-held camcorder and some shorts were pretty much unwatchable.  All of this I knew.  What I didn't know was how white trash these things would be.  The "movie" starts with an alleged attractive junkie (portrayed by Calico Cooper, Alice Cooper's hell spawn daughter, first WTF part of this turd) looking to score some "junk."  This is also the first indication of how trashy this thing is going to be.  She is dressed in a men's undershirt and some kind of tight flared pants along with some platform sandals.  Maybe it's the 90's, I give it the benefit of the doubt.  Said junkie turns a corner down some low-income apartment ally and finds some dude sitting on the ground by a dumpster fiddling with tin foil and a match.  I assume this is a crack reference.  I just don't know.  Junkie Cooper then asks the guys where she "...can score some junk."  He acts annoyed and hands her a paper bag stating, "...just take this and get the fuck out of here."  She vows to return if the bag contents are, "...bunk junk" (second indication of the trashiness, who the fuck says bunk?).  Once she finds her own personal dumpster and prepares to shoot up I assume, she opens the bag only to find...a fucking VHS tape!  Bunk!  She then promptly returns to the dude and beats him to alleged death with a pipe.  Then, nonchalantly, whilst covered in Hershey syrup blood, walks up to some chubster guy taking out his trash, holds up the tape and says, "...Wanna watch a movie?"

"Fucking magnets.  How do they work?"

Okay.  Now, I haven't even gotten to the actual shorts yet, but already I knew this movie might be a mistake.  Next we are introduced to the alleged quirky host of the films, Scarlet Fry.  He turns out to be some juggalo in overalls and a cheap zombie latex make-up job.  So far, I'm still mildly amused.  While he introduces himself and the upcoming "horror" short, you notice a suburban white trash twenty-something covered in fake blood and tied to a tree behind him.  I guess this is horror ambiance.  The next sad indication of trashiness is the fact that that the chicks only close up is her massive muffin top hip fat behind Shaggy 2 Dope's Scarlet Fry's head. Oh, girl.  Actually, I'm pretty sure all of the allegedly hot chicks in this thing are people I saw smoking found cigarette butts at a bus stop at some point or they're just all in 8th grade still.  It's undetermined.

"Oh arm, you're my ooonly friend."

Now, the shorts.  First of all these "shorts" are actually like maybe five minutes long and all filmed in the same government-funded low income housing apartment complex.  The first short, Blood Thirsty Butcher surrounds some fat guy that creepily stalks some average looking girl in their apartment complex's laundry room, then invites her up to his barren apartment other than the necessary one Christmas light strand (Oh, dudes) only to stab her a bunch and eat her arm, then complain about it's lack of flavor.  That's it.  First off, the guy is totally creepy looking on top of being all fat sad.  The girl is lured to his room with the promise of home-made afternoon time lunch in his apartment after they just met.  The girl isn't hot, but she is decently average so I have no idea how this offer was alluring to her whatsoever.  Lady, you need to get yourself a new rape alarm, oh wait, you're dead now, so don't bother.

"Fuck you Grandpa! Wicca is too a religion! You never understood me!"

Anyhow...the next short titled, The Solution, is equally as short and involves another toothy goth girl playing the part of "hot chick."  You know from the minute you see her all kinds of bumpy lumpy from behind in her "sexy" nurse outfit, that she owns every episode of the Invader Zim cartoon as well as a buttload of anime.  A buttload.  Oh, girl.  So she is basically a caretaker for an alleged old guy who actually looks 35 and is wheeling him around a lake.  At some point she attempts to force feed him some pudding which he promptly spits all over the place including on her.  The pudding looks a little like jisim and with the general ambiance of this thing, I think it was deliberate.  The nurse is very annoyed, why can't this old guy stop being so sad about being old and decrepit?  Does he not understand she has an industrial dance party to go to later?  So after this important plot twist, she continues to angrily wheel him around until not so suddenly or subtly, some guy shows up in the parking with a sniper rifle and shoots the old guy in the head.  The nurse then happily skips away to the guy and his waiting Ford Contour, where he whisks her away to a romantic dinner at Applebees or something.  This makes no fucking sense.  The guy she is taking care of is already old and or crazy.  She could have just as easily pushed him into the lake or poisoned his pudding and gotten away with it.  Obviously people know who he's with and it's not too common for decrepit crazy old people to be shot in the brain for no reason.  Ugh.  Well, at least it's over after a few minutes.

The next short and the most ambitious so far is titled, Griptape Spank.  It's probably at least ten minutes long.  This is the one my friend told me was worth witnessing.  The story involves a bunch of greasy young dudes who are skating around a parking lot one day looking to score some weed.  When they come to the realization they are all broke, one of the guys, Donnie, has an idea.  He takes his two friends to a parking garage where he introduces them to a really bad gay stereotype/transvestite character in pigtails who offers to pay them $10 each in exchange for turning his "...ass blood red."  Whoa.  The friends then follow him to another, more private I guess area of the parking lot where he drops his denim daisy dukes, revealing his little pink thong.  The tranvestie then bends over a car and eggs the boys on to spank him with their skateboards, the griptape side preferably.  Okay.  Donnie's friends suddenly hesitate stating that this situation is "...fucking gay."  Um, where was the hesitation when the guy brought up the who ass blood red thing?  Also, even if you are a closeted gay hetero homophobe, spanking a dude who isn't even naked is a pretty easy 10 bucks.  It's not like you're giving him a hand job.  The friends reluctantly spank the guy in between hurling homophobic insults at Donnie and the transvestie.  They are then paid by cash the guy places in his thong for them to pull out.  When the dudes meet up with their dealer, they offer her the cash for a bag of weed.  She questions how they suddenly came up with money and they don't tell her.  After they walk away, she opens one of the folded bills to reveal it's bloody and has poo on it.  Ew.

WTF.

This is when the short takes a turn for the incredibly fucked up.  Donnie and his friends arrive at the set his apartment and are greeted by his equally greasy girlfriend in a Target sale top with a Disney character on it.  After they smoke some of the weed, Donnie's girlfriend asks where he's been getting all the money he's been bringing home.  Apparently no one has jobs.  The friend's continue to doucheily tease about the spanking and Donnie gets agro.  His girlfriend calls him a "faggot" several times.  Donnie gets more agro.  The rest of the short is about Donnie losing his shit after replaying in his head his friends and girlfriends homophobic slurs.  He then attaches some nails to his skateboard and spanks the poor, innocent spank-loving transvestie to death.  It's pretty brutal.  In fact, this short in general is just so incredibly creepily white trash gay bash that I was really pissed throughout it.  This is also the point where I stopped the movie.  Not because of complete distaste for the horrifying shitbag it was, but because the DVD was scratched and froze.

Overall, I would say this isn't necessarily unwatchable I guess, but not worth watching for sure.  The Griptape Spank one starts out amusing enough, but the violence is just so creepily small town ignorant and trashy, it only reminded me of middle school, which in this case, I didn't appreciate.  Oh well, I guess I'll never know what became of secretly dick loving Donnie.  Hopefully he was eaten by the fat guy that also lives in his apartment or was promptly shot after making fun of the nurse's kitten hoodie.  I'm not sure I really care.