TEC Podcast: Episode 57: The Enematic Cinematic LIVES!!: She Had An Injection In Her Labe, Doctor!

In honor of Mother's Day that happened this month, we here at TEC decided to give back, by showing all the ungrateful children what could be worse with 1988's horror/comedy FLESH EATING MOTHERS! A group of suburban housewives catch a mysterious VD which not only sucks, it bites! Join us with our Mayday special guest, non-mom/comedian MONICA NEVI as we explore the true meaning of motherhood, labial injections, the history of penicillin, who truly is the boss and some really sincere, solemn rap songs for moms.

 

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Extreme Limits (2001)Dir. Jim WynorskiGenre: Xtreme Action!

 

"...I don't have to believe in it to kill for it."

Remember that time in 1999 when the reality of living in the year 2000 seemed like science fiction fantasy talk? A time in which we all believed that if somehow, the human population managed to make it through the next ten years, either we'd all live on the moon or the Earth would explode in a meteoric catastrophe?  Or, at the very least, all computer life would cease to exist because obviously the internet cannot reset its internal clock for a decade that only time-traveling robots have seen?  Then came the night that that lit up ball dropped in Times Square at 12:00 AM on New Years Day and we realized, "Wait as second...hey, I'm still alive!"  Well, unless you were a person that died on that day, but for everyone else, it's totally the futuristic 2000's! We're going to move to Mars!  Meet Big Foot!  Invent a time machine and kill the dinosaurs! Find Jimmy Hoffa!  Solve the Jesus mystery!  Sure, as of 2013 none of that has happened (YET), but back in our optimistic years when 2001 rolled around, we may not have had flying cars or machines that can materialize "Earl Grey, hot" on demand either, but there were still a butt-load of monumental important achievements in science and technology arising!  For examples:

Xtreme breath leads to 
Xtreme sex, bro!

1. I graduated from high school (go whatever that team mascot was)!  Plus, I had to sit with a straight face through a graduation ceremony that featured a Vitamin C song that brought tears to at 200 young people's eyes.  Gross.
2. A pre-Scientologied Will Smith declared the decade the 'Willenium' and cemented this fact with the help of The Clash, Eva Mendes and the fact he still appeared normal at the time.
3. Inflatable plastic furniture and silver lipstick become all the rage!  Ugh, shouts David Bowie!
4. Boy bands are back with a boner-inducing VENGEANCE.  Thanks, Florida!   
5. Finally, everything everywhere began kicking it into higher gear and going to the...XTREME!

Deodorant (Right Guard XTREME), soft drinks (Do the Dew, BRO!) and extreme sports (skateboarding, small bicycling and *ROLLAH BLAHDES)!  But of course, of all these strange new inventions and ways of living, the most extremely extreme pioneer of all things to the limit on the edge of the breaking point was, obviously, none other than soft spoken non-leading man actor, TREAT WILLIAMS!  That's right, Treat "Fairy-Tale-Theatre-Dead-Heat-Straight-To-Video-Softcore-Erotic-Thriller" Williams (as he's known in most social circles)!

I've got a sweet Treat for you class!

In 2001, a beat-down Treat set out to do his dew and give helicopter-flying/train-crashing/mountain-climbing action flicks the 'Treat'ment' with 2001's Xtreme Action Adventure flick, EXTREME LIMITS (aka Crash Point Zero).  Check out the pulse pounding, fire-shooting, car-crunching, doomsday-devicing, government-conspiracy-building trailer below!

:

In case the plot isn't GLARINGLY obvious in it's entirety in the trailer, EXTREME LIMITS tells the harrowing, white-knuckle, bare-chested story of the not so world-renowned Dr. Maurice Hunter (John "Passions" Beck) and his daughter, plain-faced Nadia (Julie "What did you say?" St. Claire) who dabble in antiques (and possibly wilderness living/mountain climbing, this is never confirmed). After a nefarious organization of fleece-wearing terrorists finds out that Dr. Maurice is an expert in all things written from books of historical bullshit, he and Nadia are kidnapped by some gun-toting thugs who force the pair into aiding and abetting the bad guys to find a long-lost doomsday weapon thought to be made of only myth and legend. On a side note, now do you see what they did there with the main-ish character's last name? Maurice Hunter? You may have found it banal at the time, but now IT ALL COMES TOGETHER. Reminds me of how every time Stephen, Go-Gurt and I (I call George Lucas Go-Gurt, it's no big deal, just a funny pet name between college roommates, you wouldn't get it) have brunch together every third Sunday of the month and I'm always reminding them that my only real complaint about that Indiana Jones franchise was that main character's name. So plain! What exactly does this guy do? What is he, a porn star? Your neighbor? How about Indiana AncientArtifactFinder? Now there's a real action hero with a doctorate in archeology! I mean, come on, have some goddamn imagnation you lazy fucks! But, I digress.

"Stand back!  It's electrical!"

Thankfully for the micro-fleeced, small pony-tailed terrorists in EXTREME LIMITS and the gas money they had to have spent on the trip, according to EXTREME LIMITS lore, famed electrical engineer, Nicola Tesla, did IN FACT, build a "death ray" which he did INDEED not-so-smartly hide in the Siberian Mountains! What are the odds? Also, what is a 'death ray'? Well, this deadly futuristic weapon, also known as 'Tesla's Death Ray,' (though it was referred to as 'Tesla's Folly' until he proved it could actually work...just a little antique dealer/archeologist humor there for you) has the power to vaporize any and all fleece wearing thugs in your general vicinity, while thankfully leaving the user and all animals/scenery therein unharmed.  Its the power of ELECTRICITY!  Or at least that's what I gathered from the special effects.  Dr. Hunter quickly figures out how to activate the ray and proceeds to massacre his captives, allowing he and his daughter to escape to the safety of the endless snowy mountains they are stranded on!  Oh wait, I think a couple of guys with guns survive and give chase...eventually.

Finally, fashion you AND
your much older Aunt can enjoy!

Either way, somehow Dr. Hunter and Nadia make their way back to a Siberian airport where they plan on heading "safely" home with the 'death ray' in tow.  I guess the airport security is pretty lax in Siberia.  Meanwhile, their new barely introduced ally, a government agent named (meh, I forgot, but he looks a lot like a poor man's Alan Rickman so we'll call him Alan) Alan proceeds to introduce the back stories of their fellow plane passengers to them while they wait at the boarding gate.  It's pretty much your average group of misfits: the young, ill-tempered pill-popping high fashion model (who looks 42 and apparently, based on her wardrobe, models for the catalogs of your local Fashion Bug), her sexist and not-so-secretly in love with her spiky-haired male manager, the fiesty silver foxed widow (with her eye on Dr. Hunter, but her heart firmly in the grip of her dead husband's cold dead hand), the mysterious guy who blends in and goes mostly unnoticed...until, a diabetic who forgot his medication and a young woman who according to Alan:

Alan: "...She got to see our Russian mafia quite accidentally.  We machine gunned her mother to death." 

Oh.  Okay.  That Russian mob.  Always making HORRIBLE first impressions!  Well, enough with this motley crue, let's get on with our safe, non-threatened trip home!  The plane doesn't gets more than an twenty minutes or so in the air before a group of thugs takes control, the pilot is found out by the viewer to be in cahoots with the baddies and a bypassing plane pulls this sweet maneuver where it hooks a rig to the passenger plane in order to transport....wait a minute....this sounds super familiar...haven't we seen this very realistic terrorist scenario before?  Was it in Bosnia?  Russia?  The Olympics?  Oh wait...I remember!

:

That shit TOTALLY happened in CLIFFHANGER!  In fact, this scene in EXTREME LIMITS not only reminds me of CLIFFHANGER, but it looks EXACTLY like the actual scene that is actually in CLIFFHANGER!  Wait a second...isn't that Stallone's body double!  Why are they transferring suit cases full of money that they didn't have on the plane before?  Why does it smell like John Lithgow in here?  Before your heads explode Enemaniacs, I did the cinematic scientific digging for you and turns out, by the magic of movie-making, several of the action scenes in EXTREME LIMITS are not only stock footage from other explosions and landscapes, but ALL of the major action sequences are clips ripped straight out of other, more well known action films.  No, I'm serious.  If you take moral issue with this Hollywood film-making technique, stop your DVD here.  You have been warned.  For those ready to rock, let us continue on our journey of enematic discovery!

"Good thing I was wearing my microfleece."

So just like in CLIFFHANGER, some old guy (in this case, Dr. Hunter) foils the plans of the terrorists by knocking them over with shear brute old man force and the plane inevitably crashes on top of a snow-capped mountain.  Luckily, all of the key characters were in the front, undamaged part of the plane and survived.  Who cares about the back part of coach that fell off and burned to pieces with all those extras screaming their way to an early, fire-engulfed grave?  None of them model for FASHION BUG.  The survivors at first, huddle, discuss global terrorism and then decide what move to make next.  Let's look at the choices.  Should they:

A. Attempt to climb down the mountain as a group?
B. Drink the remainder of the pilot's booze and "get to know" each other?
C. Talk about their dead spouses?
D. Talk about their dead mothers?
E. Attempt to fight a stalking grizzly bear with a stick and a syringe filled with liquid Tylenol?
F. Separate, have Nadia run off alone with 'Tesla's Death Ray' and a gun-toting thug on her trail, have the able-bodied passengers head down the mountain with the unknown terrorist spy pilot while leaving the remaining old people/diabetes sufferers behind at the stranded plane stalked by the killer bear? 

If you chose any of the above answers, you were right!  They do all of those stupid ass things!  Eventually the able-bodied group dies in an avalanche (another scene straight from CLIFFHANGER), Dr. Hunter and his lovely widow turn each other on with sexy stories about their dead spouses, the scared old guy at the plane is killed by a bear, Nadia makes it to a cabin with the 'death ray' and opens some whiskey and the diabetic man is pretty much slipping into a coma.  Then, wait, who's that guy, oh yeah, the "star" of the movie, Treat Williams shows up!

"Sorry guys, I had to finish shooting
the last episode of Everwood."

Just as Nadia and her doomsday device settle into their new mountain cabin oasis, government agents break down the door!  Or, at least, one seemingly nice alleged CIA officer barges in and demands the 'death ray.'  Nadia is oddly quick to comply, then suddenly more CIA officers, Agent Jason Ross (TREAT!) and Agent Douglas (the adorable "Jump to Conclusions" guy from Office Space) enter the cabin!  Who is an agent and who is a terrorist?  Who is to be believed and who is just another character actor?  Also, where the fuck has main star, Treat Williams, been this whole time?  Technically, he was slightly introduced in prior scenes as he and other agents tracked the plane in some government secretive plane tracking station, but still, I am not satisfied with this soft blow intro of our main action star!  Where is his dirty, unkempt bachelor pad?  His pet iguana?  His one night stand he throws pants at and tells to get the hell out?  His introductory pours beer in his cereal scene?  How are we supposed to know this guy means business if we don't know how recklessly he lives his personal life or how many meaningless sexual encounters he participates in?  WHO ARE YOU, AGENT ROSS AND HOW WILL YOU SAVE MY WORLD?  

Neither the viewer or Nadia have too long to decide because before Agent Douglas can finish one of his patented gentle ribbings of Agent Ross, a helicopter starts to hella shoot up the cabin!  Oh no, it's ANOTHER rogue government agent (Jesus, what is the screening process for these people?)  Agent Ross acts quickly enough to save Nadia, but not the poor initial agent or his partner of who knows how long, sweet, puffy, old Agent Douglas.  He's only allowed one more JFK conspiracy joke and then he dies of bullet wounds.  Sad.  Now, on to more borrowed action!

A helicopter and car chase from NARROW MARGIN!  A train crash and bridge explosion sequence from A LONG KISS GOODNIGHT!  In fact, the only quasi original material in any following scenes involve classic quips, of course!  Here are some choice picks!:

Agent Ross!:

Agent Ross: "...Who's paying their rights for the end of the world?"

Valid question!

A thug!:

Thug: "...Did you know the Chinese invented pasta?  We thought they'd like to add this bit of chow mein to their arsenal."

Wow.  I did not know that and okay!

When Nadia and Ross fall into the hands of the bad guys, they briefly think they will be saved by some government agents that show up and then, duh, they are bad guys too:

Terrorist Ring-leader: "...Are you Indian?"
Agent Ross: "...What does that matter?"
Terrorist Ring-leader: "...It matters if you're an Indian because they're with me, Chief."

Ha!  I see what you did there!  Sort of.

When Nadia asks what happened to the Tesla Death Ray after the bridge explosion:

Agent Ross: "...It's history."

TOUCHE.

Now that I'm thinking xtremely hard about it, I don't believe there is a better way to extremely recommend this extremely recycled action movie other than to mention the very important, top 10 moments where EXTREME LIMITS takes movie-making limits to the EXTREME, so here they are in the order I remember them!

Mega rum raisin!

1. XTREME BEAR HUNTING!: Two old guys attempt to kill a bear by stabbing it with a syringe full of headache medicine taped to the end of a small stick!  Why are they being stalked by a lone grizzly in Canada in the middle of winter?  Good question!  Please see 'science' for the answers you seek! 
2. XTREMELY RUM RAISIN MATTE LIPSTICK!: All the ladies wear it!  In a movie borrowing everything from other movies, they also manage to borrow fashion from the '90's and $60 from the make-up and wardrobe department to go CRAZY in the Bartell's cosmetic section.  Pharmacy store shopping spree to the XTREME!
3. XTREMELY LONG WAIT FOR THE MAIN STAR!: No, seriously.  Where the fuck is Treat?
4. XTREME CLIP RIPS!:  Right?!  See everything else written above!
5. XTREME JFK CONSPIRACY JOKES!: Agent Douglas makes at least three quips about knowing who killed JFK.  Unfortunately, since Agent Ross is shitty at protecting his partner from gunfire, the world may never know the real truth. Xtremely disappointing.
6. XTREME CONFUSION ABOUT THE INTERNET!: Understandably, the internet was in it's early stages of regular use when this film came out, although I'd like to think the CIA had a more comprehensive understanding of it at the time.  Regardless, several agents make references to "...I checked the internet," "...I found it on the internet," "...the internet said," and so on.  I guess the internet is where they found all those CLIFFHANGER clips.
7. XTREMELY LONG CONVERSATIONS ABOUT DEAD SPOUSES!: As the old people wait in the stranded half-plane hoping for some kind of make believe rescue, Dr. Hunter and old lady get into long drawn out stories about their passed on past loves.  REALLY get into.  In fact, they apparently fall in love with each other while sharing anecdotes on what her dead husband's favorite bourbon was and how Dr. Hunter was never there for his dead wife.  Xtremely hot dead spouse talk!
8. XTREMELY OLD STOCK FOOTAGE!: Not only does this movie use scenes straight out of other movies (some of which are are ten years old at the time of it's release), but it also uses stock footage of trains in motion, train stations and landscapes which are clearly from the 1970s-1980's!  The film quality is visibly different and it becomes even more xtremely noticeable when the people at the train station are clearly dressed like it's 1982 and it's no big deal, meaning a crew of extras that happened to have just returned from an 80's party is out of the question.  Xtremely lazy!
9. XTREME HISTORICAL INACCURACIES!: So, Tesla.  One time, he built this thing and called it a "Death Ray."  What does it do?  Oh, it like, blows up people.  Whatever.  Go back to high school.  It's in those books.
10. XTREMELY CONFLICTING STORIES!:  According to the trailer, there is a doomsday device.  According to the DVD packaging, it's highly sensitive explosives.  According to both, Treat Williams is the star of the movie.  According to the movie, that's not true.  Xtremely confusing!      

Times Douglas mentions JFK: 4
Borrowed Clips: 8-17
Mentions Of The Internet: 6
Random Possible Ethnic Slurs: 3
Amount Of Times Nicola Tesla Invented A Death Ray: 0 1   
Dead Spouse Stories: 5
Successful Bear Traps: 0
Minutes Before Treat Williams Is On Screen: 23
Dummies Thrown Off Cliffs: 2
Death Ray Is Used: 2
Flashbacks: 3 or 4?
What Did You Say?: 7
Best Head Shot Ever Provided To The Internet By An Actor Starring In EXTREME LIMITS That Is Not Treat Williams: 1

You're welcome.

*Xtreme Rollah blaadhin' is also known as "Soul-Skating."  See the Disney Channel for more info.

TEC Podcast: Episode 51: TEC LIVES: Have You Ever Killed A White Man?

Since Episode 51 of the podcast just so happens to also be the November edish of the LIVE version of the show, it only seemed possible to celebrate with a Native American revenge film! It's 1989's THE CELLAR starring b-movie bad guy Patrick Kilpatrick, a wise Native man, a lot of rabbit's feet and an evil beaver/wolf beast (it's hard to tell) conjured from Native hate!  Our special guest for this episode is Scarecrow Video alumni, ALEX THOMAS! Expect ancient rabbit paw rituals, the calling out of babies on their bullshit, a major sick burn from an audience member and a revenge beast rap that may possibly end racism (or not at all)!

                                  Podcast Powered By Podbean

*This and all TEC Podcast episodes are available on our Podbean site and on iTunes!  

On The Next Episode of...TEC: LIVES!!!...

"This is a war, not a game...."

Summer's pretty much over and to mourn it's passing, we're going out with an exploitative bang! For the September episode of *The Enematic Cinematic: LIVES!!, we're screening 1990's action-packed, boob-filled, ball-busting, revenge fantasy ridiculousness, BLOOD GAMES starring a bunch of creepy, mistake-making rednecks and a broken down bus full of bad-ass female soft ball players that are ready to settle the score!

Hosted by:

ELICIA SANCHEZ (Comedian/TEC Creator/Lover of Tackiness)
Co-hosts:
TRAVIS VOGT & KEVIN CLARKE (Comedians/Filmmakers/Major Movie Nerds)
and special guest:
BRANDON IVEY (Humorist/Talk-show Host/Visionary)

PLUS trivia w/prizes from The White Rabbit and Scarecrow Video!! Specially themed drink specials!! And a generally good time!!

We'll also be having an extremely late, but totally necessary birthday celebration for co-host TRAVIS VOGT during the show with even more surprising prizes than usual!!

Doors @ 7:30
Show starts @ 8:00 PM

*Every month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The Enematic Cinematic LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of watching a shitty movie with friends, strangers and booze, combined with a live taping of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live audience person and featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and general randoms off the street in town! COME for the horribly shitty movie w/comedic commentary and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast taping LIVE! NO COVER!

Sponsored by Scarecrow Video
Produced by Children of the Atom

www.theenematiccinematic.podbean.com
www.childrenoftheatom.net

TEC Podcast: Episode 44: Wasting Away In Margaritaville

Well, this one is going to be uncomfortable.  For Episode 44, we filled our brains with life lessons about sexual identity and milk thanks to 1986's wacky gender mix-up comedy, SOMETHING SPECIAL (aka WILLY/MILLY)! Little tomboy Milly buys some special wishing powder and under a full moon instead of wishing for her period (like a good little girl) she wishes for a wiener! Whoops! What's a girl to do? Here to help me sort out this metaphorical mess are brand new guests, comedians, RICK TAYLOR and JENNIFER BURDETTE! Expect trips to a Las Vegas Margaritaville, mojito lube references, vagina nicknames, Patty Duke, true hot tub confessions and rapping about white boys in wheelchairs!

                                         Podcast Powered By Podbean

*This and all TEC Podcast episodes are available on our Podbean site and on iTunes!   

TEC Podcast: Episode 41: Nobody's Meaner Than A Beaner

For Episode 41, we gritted our teeth and clenched our fists through half-assed racist action drama, 1989's GHETTO BLASTER, which taught us that it takes a prankster to bring down a gangster!  Sadly, no ghettos were harmed in the making of this right wing wet dream.  Along for the ride were returning guests, comedian CORBETT CUMMINS and artist/Scarecrow Video employee ALEX THOMAS! Expect police sirens, broken dreams, cat raps and horrible parenting!

                                        Podcast Powered By Podbean

*This and all TEC Podcast episodes are available on our Podbean site and on iTunes!

Occupy The Body Shop! It's B-Movie Mall Madness!

"Can you play Tears for Fears?"

Even though I'm generally occupied with beer, string cheese and a stack of whatever bad movies had "apocalypse" in the description that day, I find the time to be aware of how shitty the current American economy is.  Pabst Blue Ribbon should never cost more than $8 for a six pack.  Anarchy!  Anyways, I may not have a T.V. box, but I do ride the bus which has been re-routed several times due to the current Occupy Seattle movement.

"ZOMG!  Sale at Mr. Rags you guys!"

I completely agree with the politics of the movement, but pooping in a bush and listening to bongo drums in the rain really isn't my deal, so to do our part here at TEC, in the spirit of taking down evil corporations and criticizing mass consumerism during the holiday season (unless you are consuming mass amounts of PBR and string cheese), I give you my list of the best of the worst horror movies involving mall murder and department store death!  Okay, so the criticism on consumerism here is pretty poorly conceived, we're not talking Dawn of the Dead metaphors, but it's basically the idea with just more boobs!  So break out your pepper spray and let's shop till we drop...our corporate bank accounts in favor of local credit unions!!!  Fuck yeah!

5. THE INITIATION (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Vapid, spoiled, rich sorority girls are mall murdered
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 4 out of 10

Kelly Fairchild (metaphor!) is a wimpy emotional rich girl.  She is portrayed by actress/Druish Princess/Melrose Place resident Daphne Zuniga.  These are all parts of this film's plot.  I think.  Anyhow, Kelly has this weird fear of seeing people catch on fire due to this persistent nightmare she has been having since childhood of seeing a guy (who might be her birth father) on fire and possibly burn to death.  This dream is portrayed in a dream sequence shown several time throughout the film in order to helpfully remind us she is a crazy person.

Since Kelly is already socially stunted due to these crippling burning man night terrors, she decides to head off to college and pledge a sorority.  In case you don't know, sorority girls are bitches.  Or at least that's the general rule of movies involving sorority girls.  It might seem odd that a bunch of women that hate other women would choose to live in houses full of women, but you're going to have to remember that the key to great film fantasies like this is to suspend all disbelief.  I think.

Even when written in murder blood,
turn out Kelly is still not a menacing name.

Anywhos, so Kelly and her fellow pledges and soon-to-be sorority sisters at Delta Ro Kai have several discussions in over-sized t-shirts and underwear leading up to the ultimate unnecessary initiation dare that involves her breaking into a department store located in the local mall.  Omigod.  They are SO bad!  Good news, her dad owns the store so this the feasible worse thing that could happen, would be an extended grounding more than jail time.  Bad news, nothing equals a more permanent "grounding" than mall murder.  God, I love puns.  Also, turns out sometimes when you break into secure buildings, you can accidentally activate a lock down mechanism that prevents assumed criminals from leaving the premise.  Trapped in a mall, what's a thin, attractive girl to do!?!  Wait, you mean free ear piercings, Sbarro pizzas and Cinnabon's for me and all my friends?

"Omigod, Teresa, you spaz!  What did I say
about borrowing stuff from my room!"

Okay.  Maybe I don't know what attractive thin girls do at malls.  What I do know is that stolen mini skirt from Wet Seal isn't going to look that good on your totally dead body (death makes you gain like, ten pounds) since there is some killing killer person intentionally trapped in the mall too!  From this point on, Kelly's "friends" are slowly stalked and murdered by this "unknown" mall maniac culminating in a massive climax involving...STUFF!  Actually, I'm not too sure.  I started paying only half assed attention mid-way through the movie when she started some awkward romance with a professor's aide after being submitted to a sleep study psych ward.  Bored yet?  Me too.

 4.  NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy
Criticism on Consumerism: Southern California, the land of fake boobs, movie magic and asshole celebrities, is destroyed by a passing comet which turns the population into dust or slowly dying brain dead zombies.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 6 out of 10

Regina "Reggie" Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) is a disillusioned twenty something whose life consists of working at a small movie theater, boning her mediocre boyfriend, dealing with her teenage little sister and maintaining the top score on the arcade game Tempest.  Everyone in the city is gearing up to watch the passing of a famed comet with the hopes of having something to do or being amazed by flashing lights or whatever.  Reggie remains uninterested.  The night of the comet (HEYO) she discovers that her Tempest score has been usurped by some dick fart with the initials, "DMK."  Feeling as though her life has obviously lost all of it's true meaning, she decides to have a "I just want to forget" fuck in the projection booth at work with her boyfriend.  Luckily for her, the steel lined walls protect these two horny kids from the unpredicted zombie radiation of the incoming passing comet.

"So, do you think ALF is like, cancelled now?"

After the fateful night the comet passes, everyone in SoCal has now become lifeless red dust or brain dead zombies.  Like, literally instead of like, metaphorically!  Reggie's BF is pretty much immediately murdered and eaten by an attacking zombie (see, mediocre), so she sets off to find her sister Sam (Kelly Maroney) who also spent the night in steel for some reason and has survived.  The rest of the film consists of the two of them fending off zombies, meeting a Mexican, Mary Woronov and shady scientist types.

Sam reflects on the untimely passing of her parents.

Most importantly and why this film is included, Reggie and Sam eventually find refuge inside a mall.  A sequence in which they dance around and try on different uns, slap bracelets and scrunchies while listening to Cyndi Lauper's feminist pop hit, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."  Cause when your friends and loved ones have been fried dead and the crying is done, oh girls, girls still want to have fun!  Will they be able to fight off the zombified mall staff?  Will the identity of DMK ever truly be revealed?  When are they ever gonna live their lives rai-ight?  Oh Daddy dear you know, the answer to all of those things is, like, obviously.         

3.  HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988) 

B-movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Misunderstood cross-dressing ex-con/crazy person and furniture store employee hunts down spoiled teenagers who break into the store to spend a night partying and boning.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 8 out of 10

Let's say it's 1988.  Leave out your past regrets, I'm just setting a scene.  You and your white attractive (this word was more loosely applied in the 80's so it's okay) friends want to celebrate your upcoming high school graduation.  What do you think?  Cabo?  Palm Beach?  Six Flags?  If you thought of any of these things, you are NOT concentrating on 1988 like I totally just TOLD you to DO!  GAWD!!!!  Anyway, why do something as gay as roller coasters or sandy beaches when you can break into your friend's dad's furniture store for a night and party?!?

"I call the bunk bed!"

That's right.  Endless beds and beer?  Um, yes!  You mean my best friend and I can lose our virginity in adjacent beds in the same room while our unattached friends stand by in awkward silence?  Awesome!  I hope we can give birth to our first children this way!  So as I just made clear, a group of wacky teens decide to do just that and break into one of their dad's furniture store to spend graduation night.  While some of them wrestle with their moral upbringings in deciding whether or not the stage is set and the lights are right to finally become a woman, the rest of them just fuck each other.

Dear LGBT community,
Sorry.
Love, TEC

Meanwhile, an ex-con/store employee/cross dressing/crazy person is secretly living in the store's basement after receiving consensual permission from the owner who feels sorry for the poor guy.  After he hears the ruckus created by the teens, lots of misunderstandings happen that lead to a fated game of hide and seek and a cross dressing murder spree!  By the way, I'm not suggesting being a cross dresser makes you crazy, but if you are a man that dresses in women's clothing (which is totally your business) and stalk the streets at night looking for prostitutes to murder mid-bone than you are probably crazy.  Moving on, one of the stand out parts about this film that helps it to earn an 8 out of 10 for department store deaths, is the fact that it includes one of the greatest decapitation shots in an elevator ever.  Also, it manages to ball every inappropriate old horror cliche/80's social stigma into one killer by making him a gay, cross-dressing, punk rock, murdering, ex-con with tattoos.  Bravo HIDE AND GO SHRIEK.  Bravo.           

2.  PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1989)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Comedy/Romance
Criticism on Consumerism: Local Mayor is bought off by corporate giant who burns down a young man's house when he refuses to sell in order to build a giant mall on the property.  Dicks.
Mall Madness Score: 9 out of 10

One time, in a year far far away, someone that was French wrote a novel called Phantom of the Opera or the French equivalent anyway.  It tells the romantic story of a disfigured composer who stalks a young opera singer and tries to woo her with murders and kidnapping.  Or is that the musical?  Or the movie?  Or, who cares?  Well anyways, PHANTOM OF THE MALL: (spoiler alert) ERIC'S REVENGE is similar in the way that he wears the half mask, is disfigured and get's creepy with a non-disfigured girl.  Eric (Derek Rydall) is a young and hunky house owner dating young and girl hunky Melody (Kari Whitman).  A corporate honcho has been pressuring him to sell his property so he can tear down Eric's house and build a gigantor mall.  Eric, knowing how hard it must be to find cheap housing in the Valley, refuses, thus setting in motion his path to disfigurement and phantoming.  The corporate big wig sends a thug out to Eric's place to set it on fire.  Unfortunately, Eric and Melody are inside at the time involved in romantic coitus.  As the fire envelopes the house, Eric risks his life to save Melody's, pushing her out of a window as the house falls on top of him.

"Nobody murders in my mall
I built on murder.  Nobody!"

Cut to a year or some more later - the corporate guy succeeds and the Midtown Mall is erected on Eric's previous property.  The whole city, even Mayor Karen Wilton (Morgan Fairchild) have come out to oversee the opening of the new mall.  Melody, still alive and unscarred, comes to the mall opening with her friend to look for a job.  If you're wondering why she hasn't been suing the fuck out of these people who obviously murdered her boyfriend, it will become obvious.  This character we are supposed to find sympathetic and meek is actually a heartless asshole.  This is not implied, but obvious to any normal person who has ever loved and lost someone to a murderous fire mid-coitus.  Just saying.

Pauly Shore works hard to pay off
all he owes for nugs, weezin and grindage.

So as the film progresses, we see a shadowy figure with a half mask climbing through air ducts, spying on Melody, petting pictures of her face and murdering the fuck out of anyone who harasses her.  This becomes obvious pretty quickly that it is Eric.  Technically, the title sort of gives it away.  Melody is eventually hired at a murder mystery themed mall restaurant.  Oh the obvious, trying too hard irony!  The corporate guy and his thugs soon recognize Melody and try to do her in during her day job.  Thankfully, poor, crazy, confused, and burn scarred Eric is there to save her every time.  We are eventually introduced to Peter (Rob Estes of Silk Stalkings), a young reporter who gets involved in the mystery of Eric's death and falls for, but mostly just wants to bone Melody.  We are also introduced to a young Pauly Shore who is named Buzz in the film and plays Melody's friend, a frozen yogurt shop employee who eventually shows us his butt.      

"Geronimall!"

After several life saving situations, romantic notes, flowers and secret gifts, Melody finally puts together that the phantom might be, omigod...Eric?!?  To confirm this, she and new soon-to-be boyfriend Peter dig up his grave which is, WHAT?  EMPTY?!?!?  I don't think you can actually get away with this at a mortuary without anyone knowing, but I'm no death expert.  Following the grave disturbance (pun!), the thugs attack Melody again in which Eric finally whisks her away to the lovely mall catacombs where they are reunited.  He professes his love to her.  Melody on the other hand makes no mention of, "Oh my God, I'm so glad you weren't burned to death," or "Thanks for saving my life which has caused you to sacrifice your mental well being and physical appearance," or "Thanks for saving me all those other times," instead she just becomes grossed out and asks Eric if she can leave.  This rightfully pisses him off and he flips out, deciding to blow up the mall and all the assholes that tried to murder him within it.  Peter finally makes his way through the air ducts, finds Eric's lair and grabs Melody.  They run away and clear out the mall of all the innocent vapid people that don't deserve to be blown up.   

Mayor Karen decides to STICK around!
Ha! God, I'm funny.

Eric comes face to burned face with his murderers, including the, SHOCK, girl mayor.  All the bad guys and girls, besides assholes, Melody and Peter, who are now in love for some reason, escape the mall bomb Eric sets off.  Don't worry, no Pauly Shore butts were harmed in the bombing of this mall.  This movie gets 9 out of 10 for a Mall Madness score because the entire thing happens in a mall, plus actual legit 80's mall stores such as B. Dalton Books, Sam Goody and Miller's Outpost are shown.  Oh, the pointless memories!  It only comes shy of one point for making the lead characters (not including the mall phantom) some of the most unsympathetic dick weeds ever.  Long live Eric!          

1.  CHOPPING MALL (1986)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi
Criticism on Cosumerism: State of the art robots placed in the local mall for security purposes go rogue and murder sex-having teenagers.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 10 out of 10!!!

For B-movie lovers, this is the most obvious go-to non-shocking pick for #1 mall-related horror films.  Though it was an easy choice, tt simply can't be topped.  CHOPPING MALL is the Holy Grail of all bad mall murder!  Starring Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class) and Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their roles from Eating Raoul!  Plus, killer robots!

Okay, so if you don't know, CHOPPING MALL tells the story of four teenage couples who decide to stay after hours in the furniture store some of them work at in the Park Plaza Mall for what else...a night of beds and beer!  Unfortunately for their as yet unlasered butts and unblown up heads, the mall has just installed a new (painfully 80's) state of the art security system involving futuristic robot guards (who laser butts and blow up heads)!

"You dickweed!  You totally messed up my hair!"

When a bumbling janitor spills water on the robots, they some how get rewired and go rogue, murdering the janitor with lasers and trapping the as yet unsuspecting couples inside the mall.  Once the couples figure out about the deadly robo-murdering going on, it's all out mayhem as half naked girls run from robots only to have their heads blown off!  Need I really say more?!?  Occupy the CHOPPING MALL and get me one of these killbots for Christmas!  

My Movie Monster Is A Mom Person!

"Honey, hurry up before
your dinner wakes up again!"

Though Mother's Day is in May, here at The Enematic Cinematic, we believe mothers should be celebrated/feared all the year round and what better way to celebrate mothers than to associate them with other worldly, bone chewing, blood sucking, wallet emptying sub-creatures!  You know, cause like that's what women do.  Metaphors!  Plus, let's not leave out those underrated lower level, poison apple feeding, money-grubbing, barf bags, aka Stepmothers!  Cause, you know, someone has to fuck Dad after Mom dies of breast cancer!

 Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.

Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible).  Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien."  Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)!  Hooray!  Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies!  Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!

3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)

Feminist Tagline: "She's gorgeous and she's never been kissed.  Needless to say, she's from a different planet."
Starring(?): Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 5 out of 10

Kim Basinger plays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life.  Yeah.  What a bitch.  Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to.  Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste's Basingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.

"What? This hat is like, all
the rage on planet European Voguearth."

I mean, she dresses WAY too 80's, even for the 80's and doesn't know how to do normal stuff like eat food and give hand jobs.  What kind of Basinger doesn't know how to give a hand job?  Also, she noticed Celeste talking to a penis-shaped alien in her purse.  That was probably the clencher.  Of course Dad is way too enthused about this woman being clearly out of his league and dismisses Jessie's facts as childhood jealousy.  Bummer.  Don't worry though, Jessie has a lovable yet bungling uncle (Jon Lovitz) and a brace-faced beau (Seth Green) to share her woes with about the possible end of the world.  They don't listen to her either, actually.

Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as
familiar with the busting of aliens.

Eventually Celete's alien status is discovered by Steven, (who some how didn't see it coming despite the fact she kisses him while doing a pelican dance and can read a book with her hand) and just in time because the alien horde is descending and Celeste has got some hard decisions to make.  Return to BasingerSexiter where she will remain young, blonde and Baldwin-less forever or stay in Citytown, married to a bloating Dan Aykroyd with mothering responsibilities to a fiery-tempered nosey gingeresque.  This could go either way, but I think you know which road she takes.  I rate this Movie Mom Monster a 5 for being fairly creepy only due to her alien penis companion, but the fact that she softens up and falls in love is a total pussy move.    

2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)

Feminist Tagline: "Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis."
Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 8 out of 10

Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife.  Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid.  Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom.  During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon.  The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf.  Like, seriously in real life.  What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time.  Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.

At least you don't have to
blow your bloated husband anymore?

Now, Leslie has to deal with being a boring housewife and a bloodthirsty killer!  While most people might find this exciting, Leslie is all concerned about her armpits getting too hairy and killing her family by accident and stuff.  Meanwhile, her precocious young daughter (not Alyson Hannigan), Jennifer has started noticing her mom is either turning into a non-recycling hippie, or a mythical beast of the night.  Luckily she has a weirdo goth friend (not Corey Feldman) who knows a thing or two about monster symptoms.  Their premonitions are backed by an ominous future prediction given to them by a fortune-telling, bad-accented Ruth Buzzi (who is in this movie for some reason).  Now it's up to Jennifer to stop her mom's rampaging hormones and bathtub drain clogging before it's too too late!  Of course in fun, friendly family romp like this, it never is really.  I give this Movie Mom Monster an 8 out of 10 because werewolves scare THE SHIT out of me and the werewolf makeup when the mom gets more beasty is actually kind of Teen Wolf good.          

1. Stepmonster (1993)

Feminist Tagline: "She's not just a bad mother.  She's hazardous to your health!"
Starring(?): Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 10 out of 10

Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise.  On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits.  As in, growling and chewing bones.  When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur).  Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.

Till your wife clawing you open
and sucking your bones do you part.

The goriest of the campy, mom monster genre, it's viewable level is aided by the smarmy Alan Thicke as the clueless dad, the showering Ami Dolenz (of The Monkees sperm bank fame) and The Lost Boys revisited scene stealing of a drugged up Corey Feldman, pre-emulating Michael Jackson years.  Also, the stepmom creature looks like a giant Gremlin (FUCK!) and although the effects aren't really scary, having a human-eating monster for a stepmom is probably the more frightening of all the mom monster scenarios.  Therefore, I give this movie a whopping 10 out of 10 Movie Mom Monster rating.