TEC Podcast: Episode 64: The Enematic Cinematic LIVES!!: Grandpa Says It's Good For Me!

Welcome to another special All Hallow's Weird edition of the podcast, this time LIVE at The White Rabbit in Fremont!  We decided to treat ourselves to satanic, metal, incest, horror film, 1988's HACK-O-LANTERN with special guest, comedian and crafty warlock, DOUGLAS GALE!  Expect devil worship, oversensitivity and incest raps!

The Enematic Cinematic: LIVES!! May Episode: Flesh Eating Mothers (1988)

"You know, my mother told me to never deck a lady, but she didn't say shit about a cannibal!"

Mothers. Can't live without them (literally), but also can't convince them to stop eating your baby brother! Ugh, childhood. With Mother's Day firmly in the rear view mirror at the time of this episode, we've decided to dedicate this month's show to mothers everywhere with a super special, super bloody Mayday Mother's Day TEC LIVES featuring a horror comedy crapfest about some suburban moms with uncontrollable carnivorous kid cravings, 1988's FLESH EATING MOTHERS! It's matriarchal mayhem rated 3B for Blood, Beasts and Barely Watchable Content! Along for the guilt trip are as always, your host and TEC creator, the very matronly ELICIA SANCHEZ, your co-hosts, filmmakers and reputable mama's boys TRAVIS VOGT and KEVIN CLARKE and special guest, comedian and known non-mom, MONICA NEVI!  Enjoy drink specials and drink prizes, gifts from sponsors Scarecrow Video and Ugly Baby Shower Art and a conceivably good time!  So be sure to sit up straight, eat all your vegetables, stop making that face and don't forget to call your mother!

Doors @ 7:30
Show starts @ 8:00 PM

Be sure to come early and enjoy some weird ass movie clips and awful movie trailers!!

*Every second Tuesday of the month at The White Rabbit in Fremont, The Enematic Cinematic LIVES brings you the awesomely fun experience of watching a shitty movie with friends, strangers and booze, combined with a live taping of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring you as a live audience person and featuring some of the funniest comics/performers and general randoms off the street in town! COME for the horribly shitty movie w/comedic commentary and STAY for The Enematic Cinematic Podcast taping LIVE! NO COVER!

"A little gem...you don't want to miss it!"--GeekWire.com
"Interesting."--Vern, AintItCoolNews.com
"Cleansing?"--Lindy West, Jezebel.com

Sponsored by Scarecrow Video
http://www.fremontwhiterabbit.com/

The "Nevermind, Rewind" Turd Of The Week

How many cats is too many cats?  Let's say you met someone at a bar, bistro or Barnes & Noble, head back to their place for a night cap (meaning intercourse or a movie, depending on your religious beliefs) and that person happens to live alone and own FOUR cats.  Is that enough to be off-putting?  What about SIX cats?  Is six cats the line you draw in the cat sand?  I suppose everyone is different, but for us at TEC, it's two.  Two is too many cats for a single person to own.  If you don't agree, then you don't realize how bad your apartment smells every time we come over.  It's gross.  What if your hypothetical new found friend owned 1,000 cats?  Like an entire outdoor prison-like courtyard of screaming cats that he/she presided over in a silk bathrobe while his/her crusty butler massaged his/her toes?

What's that you didn't say?  This no longer sounds like a hypothetical real-life scenario, but instead the scripted plot of a Mexican-sploitation horror movie?  Well, then you'd be fairly right.  Some time in 1972, director, Rene Cardova Jr. asked himself this very same cat question and not only did he come up with possibly the least reasonable amount of cats to own, but an entire horror movie plot surrounding this imagined king cat creeper of all cat creeps!  That's right, Enemaniacs.  Get your inhalers ready, for tonight is, THE NIGHT OF 1,000 CATS !  No, really.  If you are allergic, some of the scenes in this movie will make you itch.  You have been warned. 

"Why does it smell like tuna and cat pis... 
ooh, did you say wine?"

With a title and premise like, THE NIGHT OF 1,000 CATS (LA NOCHE DE LOS MIL GATOS), this film clearly and initially and understandably had butt-loads of promise.  Made in glorious and rustic, 1972, but released in the United States in 1974, the plot revolves around a young millionaire playboy named Hugo, who picks up beautiful women and brings them back to his sprawling, ancient estate only to murder them and feed their corpses to his collection of carnivorous cats.  With a story like this, what could go wrong?  He is aided in this nightly endeavor by his face, his helicopter, his sweet motorcycle and his hump-backed, google-eyed old Torgo-esque butler named..."Dorgo," (possibly).  I'm sure there is some sort of metaphor there, but who cares.  When the film opens, Hugo is flying back to his castle in his helicopter with a lovely lady at his side.  This helicopter ride is somehow important to the plot, I'm assuming, because it lasts 12 MINUTES LONG.  We get it.  He has a helicopter.  The woman seems pretty impressed by the helicopter and even more so by the mansion (once they finally land there), but becomes immediately put-off by the mutant butler.  What is he deal and who grows humps anymore?  She inquires about Dorgo and his hump, to which Hugo replies:

Hugo: "...Dorgo is an excellent butler.  He's as obedient and faithful as a cat."

Wait, "obedient" as a cat?  Is that a thing?  Hugo then begins to blabber about his "special" and "unique collection" that will surpass that of all of his ancestors who he refers to as having "...had a mania for collecting."  This is probably when his female guest should be wondering if that collection involves pretty lady skin suits, but sadly for this lady, Hugo is just way too charming and the wine is just way too tasty and beautifully aged so she soon overlooks the clear warning signs of a maniacal murderous millionaire (i.e, a deformed servant, a barely inhabited ancient castle, the mentions of an "unusual collection," the sounds of a beast horde howling for flesh somewhere on the castle grounds, etc.).  Good wine is good wine, you guys.

A couple of sips later, Hugo's guest inquires as to whether anyone else lives in the mansion.  Hugo responds:

Are your eyes itching yet?

Hugo: "...Some very charming and silent guests.  You'll meet them after we've had dinner."

This turns out to be a lie for at least two reasons.  One, she ends up meeting a guest during the dinner, rather than after, when the charmer literally flies out of nowhere and punches her boobs with it's paws, promptly scaring the shit out of her (this scene is mostly hilarious).  Two, "charming" and "silent" are inappropriate and misleading adjectives for a large outdoor cage of 1,000 feral cats.  Of course, our poor dinner guest never does get to meet the cat crew formally.  Instead, she's strangled by Hugo and dismembered, then presumably ground into hamburger meat and thrown off a balcony to be eaten by Hugo's courtyard of scratching, screaming, roommates.  This part of the movie involves the very first cringe-worthy Milo & Otis animal cruelty moment, when Hugo picks up a cat from the ground and CHUCKS IT HARD off of the balcony.  We are shown a long and drawn out Million Dollar Man slow motion scene of a cat, attempting to land on it's feet, but is most likely falling to its death.  Thanks, Mexico.  Afterward, we're treated to another helicopter cat food run that involves Hugo flying over women's houses and backyards, deciding whether or not they would make adequate short lived dinner dates before he makes them dinner...on that date...that he takes them to dinner...just forget it.

Who wouldn't suck down a free
chardonnay from this guy?

This next long helicopter ride of aerial shots and close ups is really where I gave up on this thing.  I was hoping to maybe hold out for the possibility of a large mutant momma cat, genetic cat experiments or perhaps learning what the cat-alyst (ha!) was leading Hugo to a life of cat-related crime, but between these long unnecessary helicopter rides and artsy attempts at cocktail framed face shots like the one to the left, I was reminded why I've always preferred dogs.  If you can make it through this one, let me know if Dorgo turns out to be some inbred-dog-DNA'ed mutant who eventually turns on his master when he falls for one of the kidnapped women who teaches him life isn't meant to be lived on your knees and sacrifices himself when fighting the cat horde to the death to save her and finally destroy his master?  Though that ending would be sexist somehow, I'll be sad if I miss it.                        

TEC Podcast: Episode 26: Eat Your Meat!

Joining us for Episode 25 are TEC veterans, filmmaker Jason Ryan and film lover Colin Thiel! Together we enjoy some beer, salted nuts and a viewing of 1989's retro 50's cannibalistic horror thing, PARENTS, starring the always sweaty/puffy faced Randy Quaid and a lot of lame metaphors.  We discuss creepy kids, polka dot pizzas and Jason's boyhood ball trauma. Bon apetit!

TEC Podcast: Episode 8: If Only I Had My Schlong!

It’s Episode 8 of The Enematic Cinematic, Enemaniacs and hopefully you’re feeling hungry!  For this episode, I bring you a savory combo of both a movie about blood thirsty cannibals and two foodie guests who work for a local gourmet food tour and no I can’t say the name because I like for my friends to keep their jobs.  Our cannibal movie is the epically shitty 1987’s Blood Diner, about two bumbling brothers of different ethnicity who help their dead uncle Anwar, represented by a brain with eyeballs in a jar, collect body parts of local tramps in order to resurrect some Goddess of something named Sheetar for some reason.  How do the do this you ask?  Simple, they open a 50’s style vegetarian diner, kill people and cook up the parts they don’t need and feed them to hungry vegetarian patrons.  Oh, the irony.  Check out the trailer below.

"Clam strips made of slut bags, anyone?"

My guests on this food-centric episode include local food tour employees, Olin Berger and Caroline Hinchliff!  The benefit of having foodie friends on an episode is not only that they bring the laughs, but also we upgraded from the usual cheese puff and beer fare to fancy homemade ice cream and wine!  They are always welcome back!  Also, I might owe Caroline $7.  Anyway, if you’ve ever wanted to watch girls cheer lead topless, choke out a fat person or watch vegetarians unwittingly eat each other, then rent Blood Diner, starring buckets of gore and people parts, possibly available at a video store near you.  You can also check several random clips on YouTube here.  Once you get the jist, don't forget to listen to the podcast to hear us share your pain.

Also, this happens.

Meaty.

You can download episodes of the podcast on iTunes and on our podbean site @ http://theenematiccinematic.podbean.com.

The WTF Film(?) Of the Week

This WTF collection of film shorts came to my attention in two ways.  First of all, there happens to be a 50 DVD film collection known as "The Decrepit Crypt Of Nightmares" on sale at my local Half Price Books discounted book store for the past year.  Since the first time I saw it, I was intrigued.  It was the titles on the back that sold me, Dead Body Man, Hip Hop Locos, Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City and the soon to be mentioned shit-kicking shit movie in question, Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horror Fest.  This sounded interesting, but it didn't really stand out more than the rest.  Update for anyone that cares, I have yet to buy that pack.  I'm still waiting on a mark down.  If you live locally and decide to buy this out from under me, I'll tell you right now, you're an asshole. 

Anyway...the other way in which this film oozed it's way into my life and onto my movie screen is through a friend of mine, who happens to also be an employee at my local video store.  He was asking me if I had ever since the shitfest known as Scarlet Fry's Junk...blah blah blah and I told him my not so funny story about my elusive movie value pack.  He told me that the movie was a collection of mini alleged horror shorts of the white trashiest kind all hosted by some redneck zombie calling himself Scarlet Fry.  Figures.  In fact, he specifically recommended one about some skate boarders trying to score drugs.  Turns out, my friend's place of employment just so happened to carry both of the movie collections burned on DVD and I ended up renting them both.

"Hey, can you tell me where the Hot Topic is around here?"

Okay, now for the WTF news.  I knew these things were on DVR with no labels so I didn't expect high quality, plus my friend had already warned me that the whole thing was filmed on a hand-held camcorder and some shorts were pretty much unwatchable.  All of this I knew.  What I didn't know was how white trash these things would be.  The "movie" starts with an alleged attractive junkie (portrayed by Calico Cooper, Alice Cooper's hell spawn daughter, first WTF part of this turd) looking to score some "junk."  This is also the first indication of how trashy this thing is going to be.  She is dressed in a men's undershirt and some kind of tight flared pants along with some platform sandals.  Maybe it's the 90's, I give it the benefit of the doubt.  Said junkie turns a corner down some low-income apartment ally and finds some dude sitting on the ground by a dumpster fiddling with tin foil and a match.  I assume this is a crack reference.  I just don't know.  Junkie Cooper then asks the guys where she "...can score some junk."  He acts annoyed and hands her a paper bag stating, "...just take this and get the fuck out of here."  She vows to return if the bag contents are, "...bunk junk" (second indication of the trashiness, who the fuck says bunk?).  Once she finds her own personal dumpster and prepares to shoot up I assume, she opens the bag only to find...a fucking VHS tape!  Bunk!  She then promptly returns to the dude and beats him to alleged death with a pipe.  Then, nonchalantly, whilst covered in Hershey syrup blood, walks up to some chubster guy taking out his trash, holds up the tape and says, "...Wanna watch a movie?"

"Fucking magnets.  How do they work?"

Okay.  Now, I haven't even gotten to the actual shorts yet, but already I knew this movie might be a mistake.  Next we are introduced to the alleged quirky host of the films, Scarlet Fry.  He turns out to be some juggalo in overalls and a cheap zombie latex make-up job.  So far, I'm still mildly amused.  While he introduces himself and the upcoming "horror" short, you notice a suburban white trash twenty-something covered in fake blood and tied to a tree behind him.  I guess this is horror ambiance.  The next sad indication of trashiness is the fact that that the chicks only close up is her massive muffin top hip fat behind Shaggy 2 Dope's Scarlet Fry's head. Oh, girl.  Actually, I'm pretty sure all of the allegedly hot chicks in this thing are people I saw smoking found cigarette butts at a bus stop at some point or they're just all in 8th grade still.  It's undetermined.

"Oh arm, you're my ooonly friend."

Now, the shorts.  First of all these "shorts" are actually like maybe five minutes long and all filmed in the same government-funded low income housing apartment complex.  The first short, Blood Thirsty Butcher surrounds some fat guy that creepily stalks some average looking girl in their apartment complex's laundry room, then invites her up to his barren apartment other than the necessary one Christmas light strand (Oh, dudes) only to stab her a bunch and eat her arm, then complain about it's lack of flavor.  That's it.  First off, the guy is totally creepy looking on top of being all fat sad.  The girl is lured to his room with the promise of home-made afternoon time lunch in his apartment after they just met.  The girl isn't hot, but she is decently average so I have no idea how this offer was alluring to her whatsoever.  Lady, you need to get yourself a new rape alarm, oh wait, you're dead now, so don't bother.

"Fuck you Grandpa! Wicca is too a religion! You never understood me!"

Anyhow...the next short titled, The Solution, is equally as short and involves another toothy goth girl playing the part of "hot chick."  You know from the minute you see her all kinds of bumpy lumpy from behind in her "sexy" nurse outfit, that she owns every episode of the Invader Zim cartoon as well as a buttload of anime.  A buttload.  Oh, girl.  So she is basically a caretaker for an alleged old guy who actually looks 35 and is wheeling him around a lake.  At some point she attempts to force feed him some pudding which he promptly spits all over the place including on her.  The pudding looks a little like jisim and with the general ambiance of this thing, I think it was deliberate.  The nurse is very annoyed, why can't this old guy stop being so sad about being old and decrepit?  Does he not understand she has an industrial dance party to go to later?  So after this important plot twist, she continues to angrily wheel him around until not so suddenly or subtly, some guy shows up in the parking with a sniper rifle and shoots the old guy in the head.  The nurse then happily skips away to the guy and his waiting Ford Contour, where he whisks her away to a romantic dinner at Applebees or something.  This makes no fucking sense.  The guy she is taking care of is already old and or crazy.  She could have just as easily pushed him into the lake or poisoned his pudding and gotten away with it.  Obviously people know who he's with and it's not too common for decrepit crazy old people to be shot in the brain for no reason.  Ugh.  Well, at least it's over after a few minutes.

The next short and the most ambitious so far is titled, Griptape Spank.  It's probably at least ten minutes long.  This is the one my friend told me was worth witnessing.  The story involves a bunch of greasy young dudes who are skating around a parking lot one day looking to score some weed.  When they come to the realization they are all broke, one of the guys, Donnie, has an idea.  He takes his two friends to a parking garage where he introduces them to a really bad gay stereotype/transvestite character in pigtails who offers to pay them $10 each in exchange for turning his "...ass blood red."  Whoa.  The friends then follow him to another, more private I guess area of the parking lot where he drops his denim daisy dukes, revealing his little pink thong.  The tranvestie then bends over a car and eggs the boys on to spank him with their skateboards, the griptape side preferably.  Okay.  Donnie's friends suddenly hesitate stating that this situation is "...fucking gay."  Um, where was the hesitation when the guy brought up the who ass blood red thing?  Also, even if you are a closeted gay hetero homophobe, spanking a dude who isn't even naked is a pretty easy 10 bucks.  It's not like you're giving him a hand job.  The friends reluctantly spank the guy in between hurling homophobic insults at Donnie and the transvestie.  They are then paid by cash the guy places in his thong for them to pull out.  When the dudes meet up with their dealer, they offer her the cash for a bag of weed.  She questions how they suddenly came up with money and they don't tell her.  After they walk away, she opens one of the folded bills to reveal it's bloody and has poo on it.  Ew.

WTF.

This is when the short takes a turn for the incredibly fucked up.  Donnie and his friends arrive at the set his apartment and are greeted by his equally greasy girlfriend in a Target sale top with a Disney character on it.  After they smoke some of the weed, Donnie's girlfriend asks where he's been getting all the money he's been bringing home.  Apparently no one has jobs.  The friend's continue to doucheily tease about the spanking and Donnie gets agro.  His girlfriend calls him a "faggot" several times.  Donnie gets more agro.  The rest of the short is about Donnie losing his shit after replaying in his head his friends and girlfriends homophobic slurs.  He then attaches some nails to his skateboard and spanks the poor, innocent spank-loving transvestie to death.  It's pretty brutal.  In fact, this short in general is just so incredibly creepily white trash gay bash that I was really pissed throughout it.  This is also the point where I stopped the movie.  Not because of complete distaste for the horrifying shitbag it was, but because the DVD was scratched and froze.

Overall, I would say this isn't necessarily unwatchable I guess, but not worth watching for sure.  The Griptape Spank one starts out amusing enough, but the violence is just so creepily small town ignorant and trashy, it only reminded me of middle school, which in this case, I didn't appreciate.  Oh well, I guess I'll never know what became of secretly dick loving Donnie.  Hopefully he was eaten by the fat guy that also lives in his apartment or was promptly shot after making fun of the nurse's kitten hoodie.  I'm not sure I really care.