Occupy The Body Shop! It's B-Movie Mall Madness!

"Can you play Tears for Fears?"

Even though I'm generally occupied with beer, string cheese and a stack of whatever bad movies had "apocalypse" in the description that day, I find the time to be aware of how shitty the current American economy is.  Pabst Blue Ribbon should never cost more than $8 for a six pack.  Anarchy!  Anyways, I may not have a T.V. box, but I do ride the bus which has been re-routed several times due to the current Occupy Seattle movement.

"ZOMG!  Sale at Mr. Rags you guys!"

I completely agree with the politics of the movement, but pooping in a bush and listening to bongo drums in the rain really isn't my deal, so to do our part here at TEC, in the spirit of taking down evil corporations and criticizing mass consumerism during the holiday season (unless you are consuming mass amounts of PBR and string cheese), I give you my list of the best of the worst horror movies involving mall murder and department store death!  Okay, so the criticism on consumerism here is pretty poorly conceived, we're not talking Dawn of the Dead metaphors, but it's basically the idea with just more boobs!  So break out your pepper spray and let's shop till we drop...our corporate bank accounts in favor of local credit unions!!!  Fuck yeah!

5. THE INITIATION (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Vapid, spoiled, rich sorority girls are mall murdered
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 4 out of 10

Kelly Fairchild (metaphor!) is a wimpy emotional rich girl.  She is portrayed by actress/Druish Princess/Melrose Place resident Daphne Zuniga.  These are all parts of this film's plot.  I think.  Anyhow, Kelly has this weird fear of seeing people catch on fire due to this persistent nightmare she has been having since childhood of seeing a guy (who might be her birth father) on fire and possibly burn to death.  This dream is portrayed in a dream sequence shown several time throughout the film in order to helpfully remind us she is a crazy person.

Since Kelly is already socially stunted due to these crippling burning man night terrors, she decides to head off to college and pledge a sorority.  In case you don't know, sorority girls are bitches.  Or at least that's the general rule of movies involving sorority girls.  It might seem odd that a bunch of women that hate other women would choose to live in houses full of women, but you're going to have to remember that the key to great film fantasies like this is to suspend all disbelief.  I think.

Even when written in murder blood,
turn out Kelly is still not a menacing name.

Anywhos, so Kelly and her fellow pledges and soon-to-be sorority sisters at Delta Ro Kai have several discussions in over-sized t-shirts and underwear leading up to the ultimate unnecessary initiation dare that involves her breaking into a department store located in the local mall.  Omigod.  They are SO bad!  Good news, her dad owns the store so this the feasible worse thing that could happen, would be an extended grounding more than jail time.  Bad news, nothing equals a more permanent "grounding" than mall murder.  God, I love puns.  Also, turns out sometimes when you break into secure buildings, you can accidentally activate a lock down mechanism that prevents assumed criminals from leaving the premise.  Trapped in a mall, what's a thin, attractive girl to do!?!  Wait, you mean free ear piercings, Sbarro pizzas and Cinnabon's for me and all my friends?

"Omigod, Teresa, you spaz!  What did I say
about borrowing stuff from my room!"

Okay.  Maybe I don't know what attractive thin girls do at malls.  What I do know is that stolen mini skirt from Wet Seal isn't going to look that good on your totally dead body (death makes you gain like, ten pounds) since there is some killing killer person intentionally trapped in the mall too!  From this point on, Kelly's "friends" are slowly stalked and murdered by this "unknown" mall maniac culminating in a massive climax involving...STUFF!  Actually, I'm not too sure.  I started paying only half assed attention mid-way through the movie when she started some awkward romance with a professor's aide after being submitted to a sleep study psych ward.  Bored yet?  Me too.

 4.  NIGHT OF THE COMET (1984)

B-Movie Genre: Sci-fi/Horror/Comedy
Criticism on Consumerism: Southern California, the land of fake boobs, movie magic and asshole celebrities, is destroyed by a passing comet which turns the population into dust or slowly dying brain dead zombies.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 6 out of 10

Regina "Reggie" Belmont (Catherine Mary Stewart) is a disillusioned twenty something whose life consists of working at a small movie theater, boning her mediocre boyfriend, dealing with her teenage little sister and maintaining the top score on the arcade game Tempest.  Everyone in the city is gearing up to watch the passing of a famed comet with the hopes of having something to do or being amazed by flashing lights or whatever.  Reggie remains uninterested.  The night of the comet (HEYO) she discovers that her Tempest score has been usurped by some dick fart with the initials, "DMK."  Feeling as though her life has obviously lost all of it's true meaning, she decides to have a "I just want to forget" fuck in the projection booth at work with her boyfriend.  Luckily for her, the steel lined walls protect these two horny kids from the unpredicted zombie radiation of the incoming passing comet.

"So, do you think ALF is like, cancelled now?"

After the fateful night the comet passes, everyone in SoCal has now become lifeless red dust or brain dead zombies.  Like, literally instead of like, metaphorically!  Reggie's BF is pretty much immediately murdered and eaten by an attacking zombie (see, mediocre), so she sets off to find her sister Sam (Kelly Maroney) who also spent the night in steel for some reason and has survived.  The rest of the film consists of the two of them fending off zombies, meeting a Mexican, Mary Woronov and shady scientist types.

Sam reflects on the untimely passing of her parents.

Most importantly and why this film is included, Reggie and Sam eventually find refuge inside a mall.  A sequence in which they dance around and try on different uns, slap bracelets and scrunchies while listening to Cyndi Lauper's feminist pop hit, "Girls Just Want to Have Fun."  Cause when your friends and loved ones have been fried dead and the crying is done, oh girls, girls still want to have fun!  Will they be able to fight off the zombified mall staff?  Will the identity of DMK ever truly be revealed?  When are they ever gonna live their lives rai-ight?  Oh Daddy dear you know, the answer to all of those things is, like, obviously.         

3.  HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1988) 

B-movie Genre: Horror/Slasher
Criticism on Consumerism: Misunderstood cross-dressing ex-con/crazy person and furniture store employee hunts down spoiled teenagers who break into the store to spend a night partying and boning.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 8 out of 10

Let's say it's 1988.  Leave out your past regrets, I'm just setting a scene.  You and your white attractive (this word was more loosely applied in the 80's so it's okay) friends want to celebrate your upcoming high school graduation.  What do you think?  Cabo?  Palm Beach?  Six Flags?  If you thought of any of these things, you are NOT concentrating on 1988 like I totally just TOLD you to DO!  GAWD!!!!  Anyway, why do something as gay as roller coasters or sandy beaches when you can break into your friend's dad's furniture store for a night and party?!?

"I call the bunk bed!"

That's right.  Endless beds and beer?  Um, yes!  You mean my best friend and I can lose our virginity in adjacent beds in the same room while our unattached friends stand by in awkward silence?  Awesome!  I hope we can give birth to our first children this way!  So as I just made clear, a group of wacky teens decide to do just that and break into one of their dad's furniture store to spend graduation night.  While some of them wrestle with their moral upbringings in deciding whether or not the stage is set and the lights are right to finally become a woman, the rest of them just fuck each other.

Dear LGBT community,
Sorry.
Love, TEC

Meanwhile, an ex-con/store employee/cross dressing/crazy person is secretly living in the store's basement after receiving consensual permission from the owner who feels sorry for the poor guy.  After he hears the ruckus created by the teens, lots of misunderstandings happen that lead to a fated game of hide and seek and a cross dressing murder spree!  By the way, I'm not suggesting being a cross dresser makes you crazy, but if you are a man that dresses in women's clothing (which is totally your business) and stalk the streets at night looking for prostitutes to murder mid-bone than you are probably crazy.  Moving on, one of the stand out parts about this film that helps it to earn an 8 out of 10 for department store deaths, is the fact that it includes one of the greatest decapitation shots in an elevator ever.  Also, it manages to ball every inappropriate old horror cliche/80's social stigma into one killer by making him a gay, cross-dressing, punk rock, murdering, ex-con with tattoos.  Bravo HIDE AND GO SHRIEK.  Bravo.           

2.  PHANTOM OF THE MALL: ERIC'S REVENGE (1989)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Comedy/Romance
Criticism on Consumerism: Local Mayor is bought off by corporate giant who burns down a young man's house when he refuses to sell in order to build a giant mall on the property.  Dicks.
Mall Madness Score: 9 out of 10

One time, in a year far far away, someone that was French wrote a novel called Phantom of the Opera or the French equivalent anyway.  It tells the romantic story of a disfigured composer who stalks a young opera singer and tries to woo her with murders and kidnapping.  Or is that the musical?  Or the movie?  Or, who cares?  Well anyways, PHANTOM OF THE MALL: (spoiler alert) ERIC'S REVENGE is similar in the way that he wears the half mask, is disfigured and get's creepy with a non-disfigured girl.  Eric (Derek Rydall) is a young and hunky house owner dating young and girl hunky Melody (Kari Whitman).  A corporate honcho has been pressuring him to sell his property so he can tear down Eric's house and build a gigantor mall.  Eric, knowing how hard it must be to find cheap housing in the Valley, refuses, thus setting in motion his path to disfigurement and phantoming.  The corporate big wig sends a thug out to Eric's place to set it on fire.  Unfortunately, Eric and Melody are inside at the time involved in romantic coitus.  As the fire envelopes the house, Eric risks his life to save Melody's, pushing her out of a window as the house falls on top of him.

"Nobody murders in my mall
I built on murder.  Nobody!"

Cut to a year or some more later - the corporate guy succeeds and the Midtown Mall is erected on Eric's previous property.  The whole city, even Mayor Karen Wilton (Morgan Fairchild) have come out to oversee the opening of the new mall.  Melody, still alive and unscarred, comes to the mall opening with her friend to look for a job.  If you're wondering why she hasn't been suing the fuck out of these people who obviously murdered her boyfriend, it will become obvious.  This character we are supposed to find sympathetic and meek is actually a heartless asshole.  This is not implied, but obvious to any normal person who has ever loved and lost someone to a murderous fire mid-coitus.  Just saying.

Pauly Shore works hard to pay off
all he owes for nugs, weezin and grindage.

So as the film progresses, we see a shadowy figure with a half mask climbing through air ducts, spying on Melody, petting pictures of her face and murdering the fuck out of anyone who harasses her.  This becomes obvious pretty quickly that it is Eric.  Technically, the title sort of gives it away.  Melody is eventually hired at a murder mystery themed mall restaurant.  Oh the obvious, trying too hard irony!  The corporate guy and his thugs soon recognize Melody and try to do her in during her day job.  Thankfully, poor, crazy, confused, and burn scarred Eric is there to save her every time.  We are eventually introduced to Peter (Rob Estes of Silk Stalkings), a young reporter who gets involved in the mystery of Eric's death and falls for, but mostly just wants to bone Melody.  We are also introduced to a young Pauly Shore who is named Buzz in the film and plays Melody's friend, a frozen yogurt shop employee who eventually shows us his butt.      

"Geronimall!"

After several life saving situations, romantic notes, flowers and secret gifts, Melody finally puts together that the phantom might be, omigod...Eric?!?  To confirm this, she and new soon-to-be boyfriend Peter dig up his grave which is, WHAT?  EMPTY?!?!?  I don't think you can actually get away with this at a mortuary without anyone knowing, but I'm no death expert.  Following the grave disturbance (pun!), the thugs attack Melody again in which Eric finally whisks her away to the lovely mall catacombs where they are reunited.  He professes his love to her.  Melody on the other hand makes no mention of, "Oh my God, I'm so glad you weren't burned to death," or "Thanks for saving my life which has caused you to sacrifice your mental well being and physical appearance," or "Thanks for saving me all those other times," instead she just becomes grossed out and asks Eric if she can leave.  This rightfully pisses him off and he flips out, deciding to blow up the mall and all the assholes that tried to murder him within it.  Peter finally makes his way through the air ducts, finds Eric's lair and grabs Melody.  They run away and clear out the mall of all the innocent vapid people that don't deserve to be blown up.   

Mayor Karen decides to STICK around!
Ha! God, I'm funny.

Eric comes face to burned face with his murderers, including the, SHOCK, girl mayor.  All the bad guys and girls, besides assholes, Melody and Peter, who are now in love for some reason, escape the mall bomb Eric sets off.  Don't worry, no Pauly Shore butts were harmed in the bombing of this mall.  This movie gets 9 out of 10 for a Mall Madness score because the entire thing happens in a mall, plus actual legit 80's mall stores such as B. Dalton Books, Sam Goody and Miller's Outpost are shown.  Oh, the pointless memories!  It only comes shy of one point for making the lead characters (not including the mall phantom) some of the most unsympathetic dick weeds ever.  Long live Eric!          

1.  CHOPPING MALL (1986)

B-Movie Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi
Criticism on Cosumerism: State of the art robots placed in the local mall for security purposes go rogue and murder sex-having teenagers.
Mall Madness/Department Store Death Score: 10 out of 10!!!

For B-movie lovers, this is the most obvious go-to non-shocking pick for #1 mall-related horror films.  Though it was an easy choice, tt simply can't be topped.  CHOPPING MALL is the Holy Grail of all bad mall murder!  Starring Kelli Maroney (Night of the Comet), Tony O'Dell (Head of the Class) and Mary Woronov and Paul Bartel reprising their roles from Eating Raoul!  Plus, killer robots!

Okay, so if you don't know, CHOPPING MALL tells the story of four teenage couples who decide to stay after hours in the furniture store some of them work at in the Park Plaza Mall for what else...a night of beds and beer!  Unfortunately for their as yet unlasered butts and unblown up heads, the mall has just installed a new (painfully 80's) state of the art security system involving futuristic robot guards (who laser butts and blow up heads)!

"You dickweed!  You totally messed up my hair!"

When a bumbling janitor spills water on the robots, they some how get rewired and go rogue, murdering the janitor with lasers and trapping the as yet unsuspecting couples inside the mall.  Once the couples figure out about the deadly robo-murdering going on, it's all out mayhem as half naked girls run from robots only to have their heads blown off!  Need I really say more?!?  Occupy the CHOPPING MALL and get me one of these killbots for Christmas!  

My Movie Monster Is A Mom Person!

"Honey, hurry up before
your dinner wakes up again!"

Though Mother's Day is in May, here at The Enematic Cinematic, we believe mothers should be celebrated/feared all the year round and what better way to celebrate mothers than to associate them with other worldly, bone chewing, blood sucking, wallet emptying sub-creatures!  You know, cause like that's what women do.  Metaphors!  Plus, let's not leave out those underrated lower level, poison apple feeding, money-grubbing, barf bags, aka Stepmothers!  Cause, you know, someone has to fuck Dad after Mom dies of breast cancer!

 Jennifer's mom faces the tragic results of
a Latin lover infecting her with weremexican.

Anyhow, if you don't already believe me,(even though I'm a scientist) statistic evidence exists proving women are evil (besides the Bible).  Turns out, when you type "My father is a..." into Google, the autoresponses vary from "hero" to "hero" while if you type in "My Mother is a..." the top autoresponses include, "monster" and "alien."  Rather than being a symptom of the systematic machine of oppressive forced female second class citizenship (right, Dad?), this is obviously a result of some of the best goofster monster movies ever made often involving mommies (and Corey Feldman)!  Hooray!  Facts aside, here are my top three movie mother monster movies!  Happy Mother's Year (bitches)!

3. My Stepmother is an Alien (1988)

Feminist Tagline: "She's gorgeous and she's never been kissed.  Needless to say, she's from a different planet."
Starring(?): Kim (9 1/2 Weeks) Basigner, Dan Aykroyd, Jon Lovitz, Alyson Hannigan, Seth Green and a penis-shaped alien
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 5 out of 10

Kim Basinger plays Celeste, an alien from some non-Earth planet that winds up Citytown, U.S.A. on a secret alien mission to study and then destroy human life.  Yeah.  What a bitch.  Anyways, she eventually and purposefully meets nerdy single father scientist, Steven Mills (Dan Aykroyd) whom she easily overwhelms with her Basingers to whom he quickly proposes to.  Meanwhile, Steven's young precocious ginger daughter Jessie (Alyson Hannigan), is not as distracted by Celeste's Basingers and begins realizing that her soon to be stepmom is way too weird.

"What? This hat is like, all
the rage on planet European Voguearth."

I mean, she dresses WAY too 80's, even for the 80's and doesn't know how to do normal stuff like eat food and give hand jobs.  What kind of Basinger doesn't know how to give a hand job?  Also, she noticed Celeste talking to a penis-shaped alien in her purse.  That was probably the clencher.  Of course Dad is way too enthused about this woman being clearly out of his league and dismisses Jessie's facts as childhood jealousy.  Bummer.  Don't worry though, Jessie has a lovable yet bungling uncle (Jon Lovitz) and a brace-faced beau (Seth Green) to share her woes with about the possible end of the world.  They don't listen to her either, actually.

Unfortunately Dan Aykroyd is not as
familiar with the busting of aliens.

Eventually Celete's alien status is discovered by Steven, (who some how didn't see it coming despite the fact she kisses him while doing a pelican dance and can read a book with her hand) and just in time because the alien horde is descending and Celeste has got some hard decisions to make.  Return to BasingerSexiter where she will remain young, blonde and Baldwin-less forever or stay in Citytown, married to a bloating Dan Aykroyd with mothering responsibilities to a fiery-tempered nosey gingeresque.  This could go either way, but I think you know which road she takes.  I rate this Movie Mom Monster a 5 for being fairly creepy only due to her alien penis companion, but the fact that she softens up and falls in love is a total pussy move.    

2. My Mom's a Werewolf (1989)

Feminist Tagline: "Jennifer's mother is having an identity crisis."
Starring(?): Susan Blakely, John Saxon and Ruth Buzzi
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 8 out of 10

Leslie (Susan Blakely) is really bored of being a housewife.  Especially since she's thin, attractive and kind of stupid.  Her boring old, puffy husband hasn't noticed she shaved her legs and her young daughter is too busy being a young person to want to hang out with her mom.  During a boring trip to a local pet shop to pick up a boring flea collar, she is sort of seduced by the pet shop owner, the seducing John Saxon.  The only rub is (besides the fact that she's married and stuff) John Saxon is a werewolf.  Like, seriously in real life.  What starts off as a inappropriate Italian dinner, leads to an adulterous sort of sex encounter which in turn leads to scratchy, bitey Saxon time.  Although this sounds like a good Wednesday night, there is the whole Saxon werewolf AIDS and all.

At least you don't have to
blow your bloated husband anymore?

Now, Leslie has to deal with being a boring housewife and a bloodthirsty killer!  While most people might find this exciting, Leslie is all concerned about her armpits getting too hairy and killing her family by accident and stuff.  Meanwhile, her precocious young daughter (not Alyson Hannigan), Jennifer has started noticing her mom is either turning into a non-recycling hippie, or a mythical beast of the night.  Luckily she has a weirdo goth friend (not Corey Feldman) who knows a thing or two about monster symptoms.  Their premonitions are backed by an ominous future prediction given to them by a fortune-telling, bad-accented Ruth Buzzi (who is in this movie for some reason).  Now it's up to Jennifer to stop her mom's rampaging hormones and bathtub drain clogging before it's too too late!  Of course in fun, friendly family romp like this, it never is really.  I give this Movie Mom Monster an 8 out of 10 because werewolves scare THE SHIT out of me and the werewolf makeup when the mom gets more beasty is actually kind of Teen Wolf good.          

1. Stepmonster (1993)

Feminist Tagline: "She's not just a bad mother.  She's hazardous to your health!"
Starring(?): Alan Thicke, Edi McClurg, John Astin, Ami Dolenz and Corey "Never say No" Feldman
Movie Mom Monster Fear Factor: 10 out of 10

Pre-teen Todd Dougherty loves comic books and hates his new soon-to-be stepmom, Denise.  On top of stealing all of his dad's (Alan Thicke) attention and being annoyingly perfect, she also has some strange habits.  As in, growling and chewing bones.  When Todd's suspicions are confirmed and he discovers that Denise isn't just a really shitty stepmom, but also a bloodthirsty, bone sucking Tropopkin, he must find a way to destroy her before she kills more neighbors or Corey Feldman and/or Ami Dolenz (which would leave this film quip and boob-less if this tragedy were to occur).  Produced by legendary b-movie king, Roger Corman, this straight-to-video stepmom nightmare is actually pretty fun.

Till your wife clawing you open
and sucking your bones do you part.

The goriest of the campy, mom monster genre, it's viewable level is aided by the smarmy Alan Thicke as the clueless dad, the showering Ami Dolenz (of The Monkees sperm bank fame) and The Lost Boys revisited scene stealing of a drugged up Corey Feldman, pre-emulating Michael Jackson years.  Also, the stepmom creature looks like a giant Gremlin (FUCK!) and although the effects aren't really scary, having a human-eating monster for a stepmom is probably the more frightening of all the mom monster scenarios.  Therefore, I give this movie a whopping 10 out of 10 Movie Mom Monster rating.        

5 Unintentionally Horrifying Live Action Kid's Movies

The Garbage Pail Kids Movie (1987)

Remember how great cartoons are?  Especially when you were a kid.  Or when you are high.  Not that I do that.  Just putting it out there.  Regardless of your own preferences regarding illegal substances, these movies are not the kid friendly fun time things you smoke weed to.  So don't.  Whether I'm an undercover cop or not, consider yourself properly warned. 

The brilliant creators behind some of your favorite children's toys, animated series and comic strips of yore, apparently thought to themselves at some point, "...wouldn't it be cheap great if instead of paying having a team of animators create a film version of these characters, we have puppets and people in puffy suits play them in live action features?"

The answer is of course, YES.  This is of course either before the days or budget of CGI rendered characters when filmmakers used shittily made suits and animatronic heads.  Because there's nothing young children are more put to ease by than adults in over-sized smelly suits with robotic mouths and eyes.

Not only will I be letting you in on some of the most bizarre live action cartoon/comic movies ever made you may have possibly never seen or heard of, but I'll even rate them on a WTF scale of 1 being "Weird" to 10 being "TOTALLY FUCKED."  Time to get nostalgic and uncomfortable at the same time Enemaniacs, it's Top Five Unintentionally Horrifying Live Action Kid's Movies! 

5. BABY HUEY'S GREAT EASTER ADVENTURE (1999)

Loveable, Turned Nightmarish Character: Baby Huey

Claim to Kid Fame: Paramount Picture Cartoon 1950's

WTF Rating: 3    

Just in time for Easter you guys!  A gift to both terrify and bore your kids at the same time!  A little boy in a sleepy town comes across a giant egg which then hatches a giant chicken wearing a bib and a really droopy diaper.  The kid decides to name him Baby Huey because he is in fact a baby (or at least that's the vibe the diaper puts out there) and likes to use the phrase, "Hoo - wee!" a lot.  Pretty cut and dry. 

So the kid takes the giant bird home to meet his mom Marsha Brady Maureen McCormick and Dad who are weirded out, but definitely not as much as they should be given the situation.  The kid then decides to have Huey join his little league team because I guess he's tall and can presumably hit balls hard.  This part is unclear.  Also, I stopped watching after this point.  This movie is frightening first and boring mostly.

4. THE ADVENTURES OF TEDDY RUXPIN (1986)

Loveable, Turned Nightmarish Character: Teddy Ruxpin
Claim To Kid Fame: 80's Teddy Bear That Could Talk
WTF Rating: 4

Most children of the 80's are familiar with a few things from that decade.  Transformers, neon, McDonald's songs, neon, Nintendo, neon and neon.  If you were very young in the 1980's you should definitely remember owning or wanting to own the slightly frightening toy, Teddy Ruxpin.

"...I'll swallow your soul Kenny...your soul!"

Remember?  The bear that blinked and talked and told you stories and sat on a chair in the dark in your bedroom and starred at you while you slept?  I might have regularly taped mine to it's chair each night just to be safe.  Anyhow...before the highly popular animated series, The Adventures of Teddy Ruxpin, that was based off the toy started, the Teddy Ruxpin execs had originally planned to launch a live-action weekly show, a la Welcome to Pooh Corner, with people in suits and animatronic heads playing each character.  After shooting the initial pilot episode, the powers that be realized fairly quickly that this shit was going to be way too expensive (especially without Disney blood money to back them up).

AAHHH!

Therefore, the live action show was scrapped and animated episodes were ordered instead.  The original live action pilot was premiered as a "movie of the week" in 1986 and never released on videocassette in the U.S.  Lame.  Thankfully, our bored friends at YouTube have uploaded the movie in it's entirety.  You can watch it in parts here.  Check out Part One below!

3. RAINBOW BRITE: SAN DIEGO ZOO ADVENTURE (1986)

Loveable Turned Nightmarish Character(s): Rainbow Brite and Friends
Claim To Kid Fame: Highly Popular Cartoon of the 1980's
WTF Rating: 6

And rainbow colors will cheer you uuhaup!  Who can forget Rainbow Brite, her sassy talking horse, those fur ball things and her adorable friends the Color Kids (who were all mostly white)?  The little chubby girl with the power to bend light itself went on to inspire both the gay rights movement, slutty Halloween costumes and children everywhere.  Quite a feat for a fat little orphaned 8 year old.  At the time anyway. 

Whether you were a fan or not, there is no denying the popularity of the 1980's cartoon which went on to spawn full length films and other forms of mass marketing such as dolls, hairbrushes, underwear and lunchboxes.  One of the most unusual of these corporate spawns, was the straight to video live-action Rainbow Brite adventure entitled, Rainbow Brite: San Diego Zoo Adventure.  Featuring a mix of actual kids, zoo animals and giant weird-ass costumes, the story surrounds two kids (of different genders and ethnicities, common in kid friending) having a leisurely day at the zoo (completely unsupervised) when they notice that one of the leopards has turned totally black?  What the shit dawg?  What's a bubbly, middle class, Jesus-fearing kid to do?  The only man-thing that could have done this would be none other than Rainbow Brite's arch-evil-nemesis...Murky!  The kids must find Rainbow before every bright colored animal in the zoo loses all of it's skin pigmentation!

"Maria, maybe we should run..."

The rest of the story is played out with two people in gigantic-headed puffy suits playing the bad guys, Murky and his dick-shape-nosed side kick Lurky as well as two other puffy giant head suits playing main good characters, Rainbow Brite and her fuzzy alien friend Twink (insert gay joke that is ironic and not offensive here).  Unfortunately for most involved, the leopard was a ruse set up by Murky and Lurky so the kids would summon Rainbow and the bad guys could swipe her magical light-bending witch belt!  Song, dance, loud clothing and "Zoo News" follow.  The best and worst part of this one is that the producers could not afford animatronic heads so instead the actors are just wearing giant mascot-like suits with drawn on mouths and eyes and no holes to breath from.  In San Diego.  In the summer.  At least in respect to those money-needing souls lost in the production of this turd, watch the first part below.  Later parts are available on YouTube.    

2. MY PET MONSTER (1986)

Lovable Turned Nightmarish Character: My Pet Monster
Claim To Kid Fame: Popular Stuffed Toy of the 80's
WTF Rating: 8

"Why won't he stop looking at me Zack?! Why?!"

Perfectly suited for that time in your kid life when you love slime, boogers, spiders and/or other things that will gross out or frighten your friends or loved ones, American Greetings introduced us to their plush doll intended for boys and weirdos called "My Pet Monster".  The idea of the doll was just what it says, he was your very own pet ugly thing that you could keep in check if you kept his handcuffs on.  I had one and he was pretty cool.  Except his hard phallic plastic nose was a little rough to cuddle with at night and to be honest, even when you know who you're spooning with going in, I'm pretty sure I woke up to that face a couple times and almost peed a little.  Come on!  I was 8!  While in the midst of merchandising the turds out of their brand new highly successful little lovable fuggenstein, the company behind MPM decided to produce a short straight-to-video live action movie, you know, to get the kids more scared of the scary thing they were selling and I guess to give some kind of bullshit back story to the character.

Click on Max for a Monstrous Surprise!

The movie, which starred no one important, tells the story of a young boy named Max, who while on a field trip to his local museum comes in contact with an ancient statue that bestows it's monster-changing powers onto him.  I'm not sure why, although there seem to be a lot of girls on the field trip so perhaps there's a bros before hos thing happening here, but I can't be sure.  Now every time Max gets hungry, which he does a lot because he's a total chubbo, he turns into the monster!  I tried using this excuse to my mom a couple times as to why I should be allowed an extra fudgesicle.  Somehow, was not able to convince her of my high levels of potential monster danger.  As the monster, nothing too bad happens to Max though.  He's still himself, just creepy as hell looking, roars a lot and able to break chains and leap high.  Sounds like a decent switch to me.  It's not like he's the Hulk who is constantly burdened by the knowledge of all those innocent baby, lady, dude souls he's smashed over the years...right?  Anyway, the weird professor at the museum has apparently been pining for the monster-changing power forevs and is now trying to track down Max along with some ethnic looking goons in order to do experiments on him or something.  Run!  Throw in Max's precocious twin sister Mel, a goofy non-believing older brother and some poodles and you've got yourself a bona fide kiddie romp!

Click on the Ambiguous Ethnic Goons for a Monstrous Surprise!

The reason this one gets the WTF rating of 8, is fairly obvious.  The toy was a little scary in the dark alone when I was a kid, but that was all part of the fun.  I guess the monster suit makers of this movie decided, let's take the scariness of the toy and then just rid of anything that seems harmless and fluffy about it.  For instance, can we possibly make his teeth sharper and his eyes more soulless?  And bravo, they did.  I loved this movie as a kid even though the monster sort of scared me more than I was willing to admit to my sister (she will NEVER defeat me!).  There are only few copies of this tape in existence as legend or Amazon has it, but thankfully, like usual, a bored good friend of ours spent the time to upload this on YouTube.  Check out the trailer below!

 

1. THE HUGGA BUNCH (1985)

Lovable Turned Nightmarish Character(s): The Hugga Bunch
Claim To Kid Fame: Popular Plush Dolls For Young Kids Circa 1980's
WTF Rating: 10!!!!

"Thanks Mom! I've always wanted to know what hugs feel like!"

The Hippie Hugga Bunch were a 1980's plush toy line created by the combination of a toy company Henner and an off-shoot of Hallmark Cards.  The line included soft toys who were meant to be squeezed, choked and hugged hard.  Each toy came with a hug certificate, a little doll attached to their arms called a "huglet" and hug-related name, i.e "Hugsly", "Huggins", "HugMeTillItDoesn'tHurtAnymore"...stuff like that.

WTF??!!?

In 1985, a live action television movie was commissioned for the astronomical price at the time of $1.4 million.  The story surrounded a young girl named Gennie (who for some reason spoke with a southern accent and the rest of her family didn't) who is all bummed because her 'Grams' is being shipped off to a nursing home.  This is awful for Gennie who obviously enjoys being an elderly caretaker free of charge because Grams is the only one in her family that "really knows how to hug" (gross).  She then poorly tries to convince the rest of her family, including her smart-ass 80's stereotype older bro that Grams needs to stay.  The resounding answer is that she is too old and that's gross.  Just when Gennie is about to end it all during tea time with her penguin named Sweet William, a Hugga Bunch doll named Huggins sticks her fucking face through Gennie's mirror.  AAAHHHH!  This is the point you put down the pipe.  It only gets worse from here.

Gennie is whisked away to Huggaland where sparkles, sing-song and affection make everything better.  She also learns about a special tree that grows special fruit that can make you young again.  Score for getting Grams less gross!  Only problem is, the tree is owned and guarded by the evil witch lady of evil that leaves in scary castle on spooky mountain.  Gennie doesn't give a shit.  She rides dirty.  So, with her creepy ass crew of doll puppets in tow, she journeys to the witch's lair and meets more scary puppets on the way.  If you want to spoil it for yourself, check out the clip below of The Hugga Bunch movie summed up in 3 minutes or you can watch it in complete parts on YouTube.  

The B-Movie Ballad of Billy Blanks

One time there was this guy.  His name was Billy Blanks.  Billy Blanks was a paladin, a warrior and a demi-god who wanted to save attractive people from drug abuse, stop crime with karate kicks and help fat people punch harder.  Thankfully for us here at TEC and you dear reader, he was also an accomplished thespian.  Thus I give you the best of the sweaty/slimey facial expressions, slightly racist character naming and VHS cover art badassery that is the B-Movie Ballad of Sir Billy Blanks.





Bloodfist (1989)

Genre: Action/Martial Arts
Codename: Black Rose
Notable Co-stars: Don "The Dragon" Wilson

If you haven't already surmised, Bloodfist is a shitty rip-off of Bloodsport.  The "Muscles from Brussels" "The Dragon" is a retired kick-boxer that enters an underground kick-boxing tournament in Hong Kong Manila in order to find his brother's murderer and avenge his death with his feet and stuff.  Oh yeah, and Billy Blanks.  He plays an evil fighter by the name of "Black Rose."  It's pretty much Bloodsport without the splits or the Van Damage.








Talons of the Eagle (1992)

Genre: Action
Codename: Tyler Wilson
Notable Co-stars: James "Lo Pan" Hong

After the notorious (I guess) Mr. Li (James Hong) kills a few DEA agents in Toronto (random), martial arts champion Tyler Wilson (BB) is sent to investigate (for some reason).  Oh wait, never mind.  The bad guys are participating in an underground martial arts tournament.  Wilson goes undercover and be-friends the nefarious Li in order to get the dibs on some shit and hopes to eventually not die while doing so.  I probably should have warned you that shit gets pretty intense from here.  Especially involving Billy's shirtless action posing VHS covers.  Look at that shine!  You can almost taste his funk.  Almost...






Back in Action (1993)

Genre: Action/Drama?

Codename: Billy?

Notable Co-Stars: "Rowdy" Roddy Piper

This action-packed, buddy-cop romp stars Billy as Billy, the high-kicking ex-Green Beret older brother of some dumb ass girl who sleeps with a drug-dealer.  When the drug dealer is murdered, the sister is the only witness and the killers try to track her down.  Billy makes an "unlikely union" (not really) with a ballsy plain-clothed cop named Frank (Piper) who sometimes pile drives his perps.  There is not as much fire in this movie as the VHS cover suggests, but other than, it's pretty much exactly what it looks like.  Guns, pecks, high-waisted jeans, one-liners and Billy even cries a little, although you can't really tell when his face is always sweaty.  






TC 2000 (1993)

Genre: Action/Sci-fi

Codename: Jason Storm

Notable Co-stars: Bolo "Chinese Hercules" Yeung

In case you thought this would be a shitty RoboCop rip off, it is.  Unfortunately though, instead of cheap metal body implants (which I had crossed my fingers for) they pretty much imply they have robotically re-wired someone and then use some awful static screen as robo-vision for said robotically re-wired individual.  Oh and even though they lack metal parts, the robo-person can totally kick and punch really hard and do back flips, because as most of us know, robots are known for their grace and flexibility.  Anyhow, according to TC 2000 lore, by the year 2000, hippies have failed and "environmental overkill had come."  The surface of the Earth is gross so rich people started the Underworld colonies and poor people were left on the surface to start gangs.  You know, kind of like now.  Underworld enforcer Mason Storm Jason Storm (Blanks) finds out about a conspiracy by all the rich assholes in the underworld to kill off the surface people who are totally bringing their property values down.  He thinks this is janky so he goes rogue and in the process his hot blond partner is killed and becomes the robo-blond who back flips I mentioned before.  Thankfully, Bolo shows up and helps Storm to stop the Underworld killers before they go all *Ghetto Blaster on the surface.  Everyone wins.  Except for the people that died.

*Referring to the 1989 action/urban warfare film about a middle-aged white dude that decides to kill and or maim all the Latino gang members in his parents neighborhood.  And yes, it is PAINFULLY racist.  Old white people boners commence.