The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library *Horrible Holidays Edish*

By technicality, this is neither a film nor a "horror" movie per se, but I have to include this for this simple fact that this thing is in fact filmed and will in fact terrify you.  In 1994, the geniuses behind The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers Christmas Special (I think) and other boring/horrifying bullshit got together and said, "Hey, is it just me, or are the turtles green?"  "Yes," replied one of Satan's minions.  "Who here doesn't smell a Christmas special?"  Yes.  It's 1994's WE WISH YOU A TURTLE CHRISTMAS, the live-action thirty minute Christmas special created with a couple of retarded kids, a shitty set and a bunch of low paid actors in FRIGHTENING prosthetic suits with giant heads. 

Never before has it been more apparent that turtles don't have teeth and Splinter is a GIANT rat.  Somehow the cartoons nor the films nailed these facts into my brain as crystal clear as this video.  Each spine-chilling thirty minutes of this shit-fest includes Christmas songs re-worked to include pizza references and fake Jamaican accents, glassy-eyed idiot children with fake dirt smeared on their face and of course a rap...about wrapping presents (see the video below).  *Shiver*  Though this only came out on VHS and is no longer available other than on Ebay, luckily some masochist uploaded the entire thing in parts on YouTube.  I'm serious.  Watch at your own risk and sweet Jesus, be sure you're sober first.

The Treasured Turds Of My Home Video Library

I acquired this gem in a very random way.  My dad actually saw this at a yard sale and instead of buying it for my mom who might have appreciated it on a serious level, he decided to buy it for me because he thought that I quote, "...would find it funny."  Funny is quite the understatement for the heinous brilliance that is 1993's Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Toted as the "first video romance novel" (and unfortunately the last), Fabio: ATFR is pretty much some asshole's sexist idea of soft core porn for hetero-housewives...and it's awesome.  The movie starts with an introduction from Fab himself in a white tux, holding a single red rose.  Is your pussy wet yet ladies?!? 

He introduces the video as, "...a bideo I mad fore mah freahnds."  That's you Mom!  Not only did he make you a very special gift with his very own very special tan and muscular hand meat, but he also adds this non-sexual innuendo, "...so cahm, jenny wit me to tha lahnd of roarmahnce."  What was that Mom?  What is the "land of romance?"  First of all, I'm pretty sure Dad already does a decent job of explaining that to you.  Like the time he bought you a sewing machine for Christmas or cooking pans for your birthday.  What woman doesn't love to cook?  Secondly, romance in land form is a middle-aged, quasi-attractive romance novelist up late at night in her silk negligee trying to come up with material for her next book whilst snacking on baby carrots.  She comes up with three genius story lines (if I forgot to mention earlier, this "movie" is an anthology piece) all involving Fabs as the main character. 

In one story he is viking paddling along a river in Wisconsin the English coast when he comes upon some community theater actor practicing fencing a young British farmer who challenges him to a duuuel.  Just when the nearly naked Fabio is about to run the boy through with his tin foil sword cutlass, the boy's attractive sister intervenes and begs Fabs to take her life and spare her brother's.  He agrees, but low and motherfucking behold y'all!  Instead of stabbing her to death, he tells the boy to fetch a priest to...what what, marry them!  Okay.  At this point, I assume you are overcome with ecstasy ladies, but wait, keep your pants on.  There's more! 

In our next entry into what every woman wants, Fabs plays a charming freshly shaved pirate.  His rag tag group of rapists and pillagers (who also all manage to fake an English accent, I guess Fabs passes with just sounding European) find a woman run ashore covered in bird poop and seaweed I guess.  I guess this because the pirates and Fabs, their pirate king naturally, mention her stank quite a bit.  Fab tells a blind pirate to clean her up and get her some fresh clothes so she can "dine" with him.  She refuses at first, but Fabio reminds her that if she doesn't want to hang out with him, he could always leave her to be babysitted by his men who, "...hahb bin aht sea a lung thyme," wink, wink.  This is probably the rapiest of all the stories.  After she's cleaned up, she and Fabs sit down to a moonlit tent chicken dinner on the beach. The girl starts off being feisty, based on Fab and his pirates running her ship aground and causing everyone to drown.  Don't you worry all you romance fans, because Fabs manages to charm her over a cheeky game of chess and some Vivaldi.  Oh yeah.

"...cahm flye wit mae, lehts sahl awaye."

The last story in the bunch involves the novelist herself.  She falls asleep and dreams she is a simple "school teacher" who falls in love with a gorgeously rich Italian Count (Fabio, obvs).  However will they stay together?  He's high society and she's like, totally middle class!  Thankfully, (SPOILER) Fabio has a solution and guess what, hold onto your vaginas ladies, he proposes marriage (again)!  Not only that, but he offers to whisk her away from her boring average life of child education to live with him in his expensive Italian villa!  Squirt!

Just when you think this tape is over and you're pretty much maxed out on orgasms, it ends with not one, but TWO final twists!  If you like unintentionally hilarious hunkage, man meat and of course, romance, you must find a copy of Fabio: A Time For Romance.  Not only for your own sexual spiritual re-birth, but to keep love alive!    

The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library

As previously stated, I can't pass up something brightly colored for a dollar.  Especially if that something happens to be a brightly colored, VHS tape with shark attacks, man boobs or large font on the front, because honestly, the size of the font matters (wah, wah).  Anyhow...now as a regular installment on TEC, I give you different movies from my film collection that people wonder how and why the fuck I own!  Prepared to be AMAZED with ACTUAL photos of ACTUAL things I ACTUALLY spent a dollar (sometimes up to $3) on!  Though that title is catchy, to avoid hurting my crooked frail lady pinkies with all those CAPS, let's just call this one...The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library.

I Am Not a Freak (1987)

I confess.  I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle!  I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it!  I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it, is in fact, a freak!  Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat.  Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or choices, shut up fat lady!).  It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by Robin Williams in the classic, Jack).  Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay! 

Also, a two-headed man, a man suffering from grape-face Elephantiasis and the aforementioned lazy asshole 600 pound woman!  The best part of this film is the opening in which the narrator, possibly from those starving children in not America commercials, properly warns the viewer of the shocking FREAKS they are about to see.  Wait, are they or aren't they?  If you can find this somewhere, I say watch and judge for yourself.  Plus, in the comfort of your own home, no one can judge you for judging the disabled.