"Black face" isn't racist if you're a monster, right?
Release the Crack Nail!
Be all anticipating in anticipation TEC readers, because Episode 3 of The Enematic CinematicPodcast will be up in mere days! In this third and most personal episode yet of the TEC podcast, we viewed, with the help of some bottles of wine, beer and poprocks, 1989's horror/sci-fi/comedy/political satire Monster High in it's entirety and that is a feat my friends. A feat! Monster High, starring some people and possibly a Beau Bridges/Liam Neeson hybrid person, tells the tale of the Monster in Charge (I think the title is supposed to be self explanatory, but it still makes no fucking sense) who notices, in between banging chicks with giant aerolae that the scheduled demise of Earth has not happened. What gives? Turns out, the not so reliable Mr. Armageddon (aka Beau Neeson) has been too preoccupied on planet Earth molest/murdering thirty year-old teenage girls with his 8-inch crack nail at Montgomery Sterling High to follow through and destroy the place (possibly with the aforementioned crack nail, that thing is deadly dawg!). Overlord guy must then send two bumbling alien things, Gloom and Doom, (CLEVER!) down to the high school with a doomsday machine, aka a basketball sphere of imprisonment to imprison Armageddon and well, let's just say rape, fakefrenchness, monsterweedmonsters, condom zombies wackiness ensues! It eventually comes down to a basketball game between monsters and humans and who ever wins, doesn't die and may live free of crack nail molestation forever!
Actually, there is at least one notable actor in this film, David Fuhrer who you may or most likely don't at all remember from the 1980's as a late night talk show regular and commercial actor known for his ability to speak backwards. Yep.
David plays Mel Anoma and yes, every character got their name from a Garbage Pail Kids card. If you actually watch this film, pay attention to David's night stand in one of his many wake-violently-from-it's-all-a-dream-scenes. You may see his hawked 80's product, a board game that involves, you got it, words spelled backwards!
Nerds playing sports, this place IS wacky!
But I digress...On this nostalgic journey into fond memories of pre-bitterness, post puberty and hymen intactness are three of my good friends from, get the theme, high school! Carina Simmons, a local animator and all-around creative genius (Carina's Animation Blog!) who has also been the Riker to my Picard (star fleet rankings excluded) since sophomore year at unnamed lame-ass high school! Also bribed with beer in this episode, are two of my buddies since 17 (also known as that "NOFX is fucking awesome" period of my life) Jimsan Dustan and Tony Fantozzi whom are also members of the kick ass punk rock bandPoop Attack! Old times were mentioned, pop rocks were popped and we might have tried to rap the wrap up...again. I'll have this one up in a day or so, but until then, enjoy this charming microwave radiation PSA/clip from 1989'sMonster High!
At that point, why does he even bother with that "shirt"?
It's double trouble with those beefy, orange, ambiguously incestuous Barbarian Brothers! Keep a look out for David Carradine! Bull from NightcourtRichard Moll and Officer JonesMichael Winslow and what the fuck is with the intro of Thomas Gottchalk? Is he checking out that little kid's ass? Ew.
UPDATE: Okay, it's not a little kid, it's some girl in the movie, but still, Gottchalk is a creeper!
Welcome to Episode 2 of The Enematic CinematicPodcast! Not unlike the "young" women in our film, 1986's Reform School Girls, myself and my two special guests, comedians Nicole Lucas and Danielle Radford, had our eyeballs hosed down with frightening but not followed through rape threats, Wendy O. Williams' life-hardened implants face, numerous "box" references, poor decision truck fucks, Andy Warhol obese Superstar Pat Ast eating chocolate and possibly Wendy O. Williams' vagina and more! Plus, non-metaphorical kitten stomping and Nazi-esqueSybil Danning! Take a listen, but be forewarned, it gets really fake gay, so not for the homophobic faint of heart!
First off, let me begin by saying, welcome to America! In America, (pronounced U! S! A! Motherfucker!) we care about a couple of things. Equality and value. Along with probably every other country, we can buy fifty movies on high-tech digital video discs for the price of one movie! This may seem like a bargain in theory, but when you actually think about it, are you honestly going to go through all of that mayonnaise before it spoils? Also, does mayonnaise ever really spoil?
Bargain movie packs, somewhat like Ye Old Country Buffets, are a scam as old as time. Quantity over quality. Perhaps because I was raised with the mentality that twenty cheap pieces of shit as Christmas presents from the dollar store were better than one quality $20 item that I actually wanted, I own more than a few of these. Also, I went to Sizzler for every birthday from ages 5-12 because fuck real restaurant limits, I want pizza and mashed potatoes in the same meal! The real challenge with "value" packs is to find more than one film in the within that is actually watchable.
Of course, this means traversing through 47 other possibly straight-to-video-shelf turds just to find a mediocre movie. For many, finding the dedication for this type of detective work is nearly pointless impossible. Thankfully (?) for me, I am stubborn and have somewhat of a drinking problem so I happily take on this challenge. Preemptive background now having been spewed, here are some half-decent holy grails I was able to find in those Nazi-riddled caves also known as bargain bin movie value packs.
Chilling Classics - 50 Movie Pack
Although this pack is full of mostly grainy, slow and unwatchable turds from the 50's - 70's, there were a few circa 80's and 90's fully watchable and sort of enjoyable films scattered throughout as well as some surprisingly interesting older films. There are some recognizable films, such as Peter Jackson's Bad Taste (1987) and cheesy docudrama, The Legend of Bigfoot(1976), about the endless search finding that ever elusive hunting buddy in a cheap gorilla suit Northwest legend. Since movies such as these are more obvious in their entertainment factor and I just so happen to still have at least six beers left, I prefer to dig further. Here are some examples of the fruits of my labor.
Drive-in Massacre (1977)
This film starts with text claiming the story is based on an ACTUAL series of murders at a California drive-in movie theater. This is unconfirmed because I never felt like researching it on the Internet. Either way, it's your average steak and potatoes slasher film where kids go to the drive-in to give each other hand jobs, end up talking about unwanted pregnancies and eventually get their heads cut off and stabbed to death by a crazy with a sword. Police try to investigate, sort of and all they really learn is something about a carnival that used to be on the same spot as the drive-in theater. They surmise, with all their hardened police wisdom, that maybe the sword swallowing carny is still pissed about losing his lucrative carny job and is going "postal" if you will. This is never fully revealed, but who really cares? It might be some right wing ninja that hates abortions and would rather these babies die with honor. That's what I like to pretend anyway. The end of the movie has a disclaimer that states the killer was duh,duh,duh "never found" and "could still be at large." Holy shit, you guys! And we were all so totally pumped to go to the drive-in tonight! Bummer city man! Try to handle the ominous teenage abstinence commercial below.
Metamorphosis (1990)
A brilliant genetic researcher is being pressured by the higher ups to come up with results faster on his new project, a serum that reverses aging. Why didn't he just tell them it might be a bit of wait since that isn't fucking possible? Any who, like most brilliant genetic researchers, he decides to inject his own eyeball with the stuff to see if it actually works (even though he watched at least two monkeys die really dead from it already). Turns out it reverses human aging, but increases monster becoming by A LOT. He ends up turning into this pretty heinous soupy goopy thing with yellow eyes that likes to rip off young girls clothes and eat their faces or something. Apparently it works kind of like roids. There's a side story about a girlfriend with kid who understands the man behind the monster, but fails really to make good parenting choices. Point is, cute guy turns into frightening monster and this can only end one way...unless you haven't seen The Fly and in that case you are still optimistic. Check out the VHS tape preview below under the more aggressive title, Regenerator.
House of the Dead (1978)
Mostly released under the what the fuck title Alien Zone, this quaint little nugget is about an adulterous husband that gets stranded in an unknown city at night in the rain and is taken in by a kindly/creepy old funeral home director who makes him a cup of coffee and brings him into that place in the basement he keeps all the dead bodies. He opens each coffin and tells the weary guy yarns about each dead person and how they came to be in wooden boxes in his basement. I generally love the stories within a story genre. This one isn't as good as Monster Club, but it's interesting enough. The ending seemed pretty predictable from the start, but though I was ultimately right on how shit played out, there is a bit of a twist to it.
Horror Classics - 8 Movie Pack
Though this pack seemed to be full of only horror classics, decent ones by the way, I was intrigued by a listing on the back of a film titled Mutantfor a few reasons, one it was titled Mutant, two it starred Wings Hauser and three it was made in the 80's. I took the gamble and for $5, it kind of paid off.
Mutant (1984)
Originally titled Night Shadows when it was released theatrically, Mutant is about two dudes (one of which is Wings Hauser, who has one of the best action actor names after Powers Boothe) that go on a road trip that is rudely re-routed by some asshole hillbillies that run them off the road, getting their car stuck in a ditch. From there they walk to a nearby town full of, no surprise, backwoods butt-fuck weirdos that they eventually find out are infected by mutating toxic zombieism, a relatively unknown disease! People die and other half dead people lurch around and walk slowly. All in all, a fairly entertaining hour and a half. There's even a fleeting romance thrown in there for all you lame-os. Mutant mayhem below!
Horror Classics - 8 Movie Pack (Again)
Almost the same pack with with more haunting mysterious imagery (sorry Christoper Lee) and less Jack Nicholson. Also, eleven hours instead of ten! That's an entire sixty more minutes of movie for the same price! U! S! A!
Snowbeast (1977)
Sometimes I'm sold on title alone, but those titles don't always live up to their...titles. Snowbeast is exactly what you would imagine. Here's a shocker, it was a made for T.V. movie so kind of like an after school special in that way. Just like learning one beer is too many with Val Kilmer, sometimes you shouldn't ski near lonely ape creatures. It only makes them jealous.
Snowbeast reflects on whether or not he should have told Karen how he truly felt...
Which reminds me of the plot, a small Colorado ski resort is rocked to it's small skiing core when several skiers are eaten to death by a mysterious animal. All the townsfolk are sure it's just a bear, I mean come on, they kill people for no reason all the time, right? Just like sharks. Bears are the sharks of the forest or sharks are the bears of the sea, which ever you prefer. Eventually some of the main character people notice a really bad yeti suit and make-up job running around all bloody and gripey. Wait, was it the Yeti Abominable SnowmanSnowbeast that killed Karl? I won't spoil it for you, but here's one hint, no Karls were harmed in this film because there are no Karls. On a side note: I enjoyed this movie so much, or at least the title, that I named my cat Snowbeast. He too is emotionally detached and yearns for understanding. I mean she. Well maybe if she started killing things I'd pay attention. See the drama unfold below.
Toxie's Top Ten - 10 Troma Movie Pack
I didn't actually purchase this one. My mom bought it for my birthday (thanks Mommy!). I'm not sure what these are the top ten of or at least what the criteria for the list was. I retract that statement because I think the back says something clever about them being the top "Tromatic" films as picked by Toxie himself (the affectionate nickname for equally as affectionate Toxic Avenger). The collection consists of some mildly entertaining schlock Croaked, Demented Death Farm Massacre and some real shitty bullshits such as the completely improperly packaged Dead Dudes in the House (see The Great VHS Cover Art Swindle! although presented here on DVD). Somewhat surprising is that within this tin can covered in Toxie's radioactive jizz ooze, I found what would come to be one of my favorite shit movies!
The Newlydeads (1987)
Okay, so get this...the owner of a lakeside resort that is a romantic destination for honeymooners (already, gross, stab 'em!), comes on to a lone traveler who turns out to be, a what should have been obvious, busted tranny! He kills her in a fit fear of his possible homosexuality and then the tranny's ghost starts returning to the resort, haunting the homophobe killer and his fiance as well as killing off dumb shit lovey dovey honeymooners! Yay! The effects kind of suck, but my thoughts on this movie are as long as it's red, it's blood and as long as it's grey, it's dead. Works for me, especially when there are psychics and killer trannies involved! Check out the honeymoon horror below!
Savage Sisters - 4 Movie Pack
This bunch seemed obvious enough, a collection of Blaxploitation and Kung Fu movies with women who kick ass despite the fact that they are unfortunately women. TNT Jackson, Get Christie Love, Sister Street Fighter, all films I had seen at some point or another, but SHUT THE DOOR, my friends! Turns out, there was a fucking wild card in this movie pack deck and a pretty SAVAGE wild card at that!
High Kicks (1993)
So you may have found that "holy grail" comment a little over the top earlier, but that was before you understood the monumental find that is this movie! I thought these sort of plots, actors, outfits and mullets could only be found in my own hopeful B-movie imagination. This turd turned out to be one of my FAVORITE shit movies of ALL TIME! It's goddamn amazingly awful! The story involves a lady named Sandy that runs some aerobics class for women. Most of these women are forty and show their spandexed camel toes a lot. A new allegedly handsome faced guy named only mysteriously Sam with a gigantic lion mane of a blond mullet shows up looking for a job. He has just pulled his house boat into the town port and wants to wash some windows, if you know what I mean. Sam and Sandy share some quick wittery and possible sexual tension. After Sam leaves, the gym is shaken down by a group of ambiguous ethnics with "Crazy" before all their names. These guys end up raping Sandy even though most of them are fat and slow. The rest of the film is Sandy fighting her way back to self assurance under Sam's karate tutelage and smooth moves. She learns to love again, they end up beating up the gang of disabled rainbow kids and Sandy eventually turns the boring aerobics class into a new form of kick ass karate self defense! Fuck yeah! There is no end to why I love this film. First, it was pretty much filmed on a hand held camera, second, the music is amazingly sexy saxophone synthesizer bad and third, and this is the bombshell, (SPOILER ALERT!) in order to counsel Sandy through post-rape life, Sam reveals that HE HIMSELF has also been raped! One time he parked his boat house on an island where, well, "...the natives weren't too friendly." You can't make this shit up! Oh wait, someone did and it's called High Kicks! This thing is so hard to find that no trailer even exists on the technological plain! If I'm a liar and or lazy and you find one, let me know!
Okay....so for the very first trailer post, I'm going to admit to a bit of false advertising. This trailer for a never upcoming summer jam slasher is something I made for a film festival in Olympia, WA known as the aptly named, The Olympia Film Festival. It was for the festival's program "All Freakin' Night!" (if you love shit movies and live in the area, you should hope on your Schwinn and get down there to check it out) which is a mini movie fest at the Capitol Theater where an audience of hundreds sip on their vodka Red Bulls, stuff their face holes with Cheetos and are treated to a slew of archival B-Movie badness from Midnight until 8:00 AM.
I promise that in the days to come, the trailers I post will be actual unintentionally funny movie trailers of pieces of poo people actually spent the time to complete, but until then, please enjoy my moment of self-indulgence, "You Better Axe Somebody" starring TEC Podcast Episode 2 stars, comedians Danielle Radfordand Nicole Lucas and other funny people!
Hold on to your tampon strings bitches because The Enematic Cinematic Podcast is back with a brand new shit ass movie and new victims special guests to keep me company through it's lasting cold and loneliness! Too real? Okay, anyway...I take that back because there's nothing cold about haggard hot babes kicking ass and taking showers! I guess it can get a little cold if those babes are being harassed by sexual sadist/rapist Wendy O. Williams of the Plasmatics, but shit, you better man up ladies because this is fucking reform school! You will leave here reformed if it's the last thing Wendy O. Williams' dirty fists does!
That's right non-existent reader, we're talking about 1986's Reform School Girls starring aforementioned Wendy O. Williams, 1983's Sybil Danning(Amazon Women on the Moon, Panther Squad) and some people's moms! Since this is a sensitive subject matter that can truly only be appreciated by a couple of on and off heteroflexibles like myself, I decided to have a vag-centric episode featuring her-larious Seattle comedians, Danielle Radford and Nicole Lucas! Barriers will be broken! Vaginas will be monologued! Ladies will be spanked and menses will be had! Don't miss it!
As previously stated, I can't pass up something brightly colored for a dollar. Especially if that something happens to be a brightly colored, VHS tape with shark attacks, man boobs or large font on the front, because honestly, the size of the font matters (wah, wah). Anyhow...now as a regular installment on TEC, I give you different movies from my film collection that people wonder how and why the fuck I own! Prepared to be AMAZED with ACTUAL photos of ACTUAL things I ACTUALLY spent a dollar (sometimes up to $3) on! Though that title is catchy, to avoid hurting my crooked frail lady pinkies with all those CAPS, let's just call this one...The Treasured Turds of My Home Video Library.
I Am Not a Freak(1987)
I confess. I spent $2 on this, but shit does not come cheap at comic book conventions, even if they're in bleeding heart Seattle! I took cash out of the ATM at least three escalator rides away for this thing and it was so worth it! I don't want to spoil the end for you, but turns out, everyone in it, is in fact, a freak! Okay, I suppose the correct term is "differently-abled" or in one woman's case, just fat. Made in progressively understanding 1987, this tape is a documentary about six people suffering from different physical disabilities or ailments (or choices, shut up fat lady!). It includes a man with no legs, a little person (and no, he's not the same guy), a 14-year-old boy suffering from a rare disease that rapidly ages him (as accurately portrayed by Robin Williams in the classic, Jack). Don't worry though, he gets to use his fucked up face to land a part in a movie playing an alien! Yay!
Also, a two-headed man, a man suffering from grape-faceElephantiasis and the aforementioned lazy asshole600 pound woman! The best part of this film is the opening in which the narrator, possibly from those starving children in not America commercials, properly warns the viewer of the shocking FREAKS they are about to see. Wait, are they or aren't they? If you can find this somewhere, I say watch and judge for yourself. Plus, in the comfort of your own home, no one can judge you for judging the disabled.
For your listening enjoyment, I give you the first ever podcast episode of The Enematic Cinematic, your
Live fat, die hard
guide to the watchable worst of video store cinema! In this very special inaugural episode, we delve into the deeper questions of life, death, should you change that sweat stained muscle tee or is air drying okay and most importantly whether you can or can't keep a good cop dead.
With me on this favor journey are local indie filmmaker Jason Ryan (real adult feelings) and global film blogger Colin Thiel (aint no snob)! Together we all know a thing or two about a thing or two. So please, sit back, sip your cold refreshing brew (you may want to drink through this one) and enjoy our reflections and revelations on the buddy zombie cop classic, 1988's Dead Heat. Also, R.I.P. Joe Piscopo Phil Hartman...
Since clearly, shitty video viewing and analyzation is more of a audio medium, I present THE ENEMATIC CINEMATIC PODCAST! I, unnotable non-movie-expert will be hosting a new episode each week (in theory) centering around a different specific B-movie turd! Each episode I will force my friends, acquaintances and whoever else I can bribe with beer to watch an awful movie, after which we will lament our woes or express gratitude via the podcast. Weekly installments will include, "What Did You Learn From This Movie?", "Favorite Quotes", "Tallys (see Hard Ticket to Hawaii tally post)", "Name From The Credits That Sounds Like a Dick" and MORE! So come and let me be your guide on a cinematic journey into the world of (rightfully) undiscovered cinema!
First up, the mildy charming 1988's DEAD HEAT. Piscoponian performances galore! Plus, average looking women! Plus, unexplained, two-faced fat biker zombies! Though usually TEC sucks at foreplay, we'll give you a little something to get you in the mood...
Not unlike a dog and squirrels or "challenged" people and shiny things, I am easily aroused entertained by VHS cover art. In this new fangled, better version of photo-shop, digital world we live, it has truly become a lost medium. From literal depictions of film titles to guys with guns in front of explosions to half naked women falling victim to something (come on, you should have known being thin with boobs was a poor adult decision), these masterpieces were the selling point of every straight to video turd. If the stars weren't notable, the hackey video art was the only way to draw in a viewer. Unfortunately, this leads to several instances of false advertising. Picking movies by art alone is sort of a video store Russian roulette, except rather than shooting yourself in the face, you free up an hour and a half of your evening. Both are equally awkward. Viewer beware, here are some prime examples of the times I've been straight up bullshitted by VHS cover art.
Dream Maniac (1986)
I'm not sure why I was pulled in by this one...actually, I know. There is a bald lady getting all stabby with a giant knife on the front! Also, a warning of "too gory for the silver screen"! Also, naked people! According to the back cover, the plot involves a heavy metal musician who sells his soul to a devil lady, I'm sorry, a "succubus" in exchange for getting girls. Sounds awesome, right? Book of lies! In real life, the movie is about a boring dude who likes heavy metal that invites some friends over to his house for a party or something. Oh wait, before they come over his boring guy boner brings forth a devil woman that he dreams about having sex with. Then said average looking succubus in tight clothes goes around the party and starts killing people off. Despite a blow job turning into a dick eating scene (which I saw coming, PUN!), the kills aren't that great. Another missing plot point, the main character guy has a girlfriend so there goes the whole hooking up with chicks thing. Also, you just can't wait for all these assholes at the party to be killed. There is blood and there are boobs, but it's hardly worth it. Dead giveaways this was to be avoided, the shitty tag line, the Elm Street rip-off tie-in and most obvious, note regarding "made-for-video feature film." Like I said, the knife looked shiny!
Mutant Hunt (1987)
In the future, man creates replicants mutants, mutants are inputted with microchips by one smart and or super mutant and turned into killers. This is no bueno, so man must start an elite force of cops known as Blade Runners Mutant Hunters to retire murder all the free-thinking, advanced mutants. Sounds vaguely familiar, plus, giant robot arm! Let's rent it! Though this movie starts out well enough...the special mutant hunter cop is at home with a lady and a bunch of cock blocking mutants drop in to kill him. He shoots them and kicks them all dead (the action isn't as cool as I just made it sound) and then his lady gets shot. Turns out, she was just a mutant prostitute so he doesn't really care. This is followed by more wooden acting, bad shooting skills, long pauses and dark, un-futuristic sets all filmed in different corners of the same parking garage. No robot arm and no real gore. I turned it off after forty minutes though, so maybe it picks up near the middle. If you notice any similarities to Dream Maniac, it's because they were produced by the same people. These guys know how to bullshit a simple mind. I mean look at the robot arm, it's SO big! Pass this one if for some reason you come across it.
Spookies (1986)
A young boy runs away from home because he thinks his family forgot his birthday. He ends up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should. A group of thirty year-olds teenagers are on a road trip and take a wrong turn. They end up at a creepy, seemingly abandoned old house surrounded by a graveyard that makes rustling noises more than it should. Are they all there to spend a night and win a bet? No. Is their host murdered and they suspect each other as they all drop one by one until the mystery is solved? No. Are Vincent Price or Tim Curry involved at all? Possibly. This movie was apparently an excuse to do a lot of puppet work and make-up jobs. All that trouble and it turns out okay, I guess. The blond on the cover does not show until the end and she is fully covered and some one's wife. The movie itself is a lot of, what the fuck is going on? According to the Internet, this film was originally shot as two separate films and then expertly edited together. Some things explode, quips are made, girls get scared and ashy hands come out of the ground. Meh. Sitting through the "teenage" couple dialogue and the supposed plot as a filler every ten minutes between each possessed granny/cat creature starts to wear on your nerves, even if booze are involved.
Robot Ninja (1989)
I probably don't have to explain this one. Robot? Check. Ninja? Check. Comic book artist is given the powers of his creation by a scientist who wants to help him robot ninja kill a gang of local rapists? Fucking check. Anything like it promises to be whatsoever? Uncheck! Uncheck! A shitty struggling comic artist witnesses a couple being killed and the girl half of them getting brutally molested in the parking lot of a bowling alley or video store or something. He feels bad about this. Possibly because he thinks rape and murder are gross. Possibly because he did absolutely nothing at all to help. Either way, a friend of his builds a Shredder/VR Trooper suit for him so he can get the jerks back with some sharp robot ninja revenge. Turns out, though he inadvertently through a series of chain events gets at least one of them killed, he mostly gets his ass beaten, becomes addicted to pills and gets his scientist friend killed eventually. Robot Ninja FAIL!
Thunder Warrior (1983)
A young Italian Native American man returns home to his reservation to find the asshole white locals are building a mall on an ancient native burial ground. Though the land is theirs (all of it) and the tribe has a treaty to prove it, the townsfolk are not letting up. Our hero attempts to peacefully negotiate with a one man sit-in at the police station and instead is met with beatings and racial slurs. The point of the movie is he exacts revenge on these deserving racist hillbillies. The problem is, this revenge takes an hour to start happening. I understand it was the same in First Blood (aka Rambo), but our Italian Stallion Thunder Warrior barely says a word throughout the whole fucking movie. The story is mostly told through the eyes of the somewhat less racist white sheriff who is in fact, not Brian Dennehy! Though some damage is eventually committed with a bow and arrow (obviously), it just takes WAY too painfully long to get there with no actual back story of the main character like, I don't know, a tour in Nam or something? Somehow this movie managed to spawn several sequels with different Italian leads and different sweet covers. Maybe I'll skip to the third one next time.
Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1985)
This ambitious 80's sci-fi musical (yes, I said sci-fi) starred some actual familiar faces. Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed) and that spunky petite pixie Pia Zadora (stuff). Robot alien things land on Earth in search of "the rock and roll" and instead, find these assholes and their friends dancing on the beach. This movie promises camp and instead delivers awkward boring dance sequences and some of the most painful fake alien dialogue you will ever sit through. I'm not lying. It hurts SO bad. Also, Pia looks like she could be her boyfriend's mom. If she was, at least they would actually have something to sing about. Oh yeah and did I mention Jermaine Jackson as in Michael's older brother is in it? When Jermaine Jackson saves your shitberg of a film, you've got some serious problems. But Jesus, isn't Pia Zadora totally adorable?!?
Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn (1983)
Originally released in 3-D, this sci-fi western epic doesn't translate as watchable in two dimensions. I'm not even sure if it was cool when shit flying at the screen actually had a point. After three separate attempts to sit through it, I've never gotten past the first twenty minutes. I hear Bull from Night Court is in it, so it's got that going for it. Understandably, booze are always involved when this thing goes in the ol' VCR/DVD combo, but even the black and white High Noon could keep my drunken attention. Perhaps I'll revisit this review once I actually watch it.
KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (1978)
This one got me less on cover art and more based on the story line. KISS plays a concert at a theme park that unbeknownst to KISS is run by a diabolical mad man that plans on killing everyone with his faulty rides or possibly lasers! KISS must stop this! If fans die, who will pay for their Herpes medication? They've got bills man! What really happens is a couple of average teens hang out with friends and we follow them around, watching part of the KISS concert and stumbling upon the mad park owner's mad park laboratory. It's like a dog-less, weed-less, jankies-less Scooby-Doo episode. The part the KISS participates in, which involves the kicking of the mad park manager with their high heels is amusing, but the hour and a half before that happens is SO goddamn boring! If you must rent this on camp factor or if, God help you, you're a KISS fan, then fast forward to the end. You won't miss anything.
Dead Dudes in the House (1991)
Ah, the best for last. This film was the most egregious of all offenders. Why? Because ABSOLUTELY NOTHING on the cover is in the movie. Except maybe a house. There is one of those. So, if you think, as I did, that you're renting a campy flick about Color Me Badd going on a haunted, wacky vacation then you would be so wrong. This piece of shit was brought to us by none other than hit and miss Troma Films. Not a single one of the "dudes" on the cover is in the movie. It is actually a co-ed group of average twenty somethings who are definitely NOT in a band. Pretty much Troma picked up the distribution rights to a boring slasher/haunted house cliche and tried to re-roll the turd in a more agreeable turd cover in order to make money on it. Well, I suppose it worked on some level because I, in fact, did waste my money on this simply due to the ironic 90's packaging. I was so pissed when I watched this thing that I thought about writing some passive aggressive e-mail complaint to Troma about false advertising and how I wanted my five dollars (okay, more like three) back. After I had a nap and ate some pudding though, I felt much better.
Since that beer, barbeque, B.O bus ride season is upon us (okay, let's be honest, it's always B.O. season in public transportation), I decided to make a short list of some of my favorite killer camp movies. You won't find the obvious on here such as Friday the 13th or Sleepaway Camp. Not because I'm painfully hip and non-conformist, but because everyone knows about those films simply because they are good. In fact, anyone who cares enough to read a blog about shitty movies like myself, probably owns these on DVD already in some "Unhappy Camper" pack or something (and I do). No, no my friends. Here at TEC, we go for the gutter.
Okay Tommy, truth or dare?
Actually, in an ironic twist of fate, I acquired my 3-Pack of Sleepaway Camp from an acquaintance of mine. He borrowed it from a friend so we could drink some beers and watch the movies at my house some summer years ago. That's of course not the ironic part. The ironic part was that we didn't finish them all, so he left the pack at my house intending to pick it up at some point. A month or so later, he was killed in a freak canoe accident on a lake. Since I had no idea who his friend was that owned the movies, I still have them. A camper's curse? Probably not. A devastating tragedy as opposed to actual irony? Most likely. Too much information? Definitely. I tend to do that a lot.
Anyway...back to the list...so here are some of my favorite random killer camp/summer slasher flicks not a whole hell of a lot of people have seen. Seek and enjoy.
Cheerleader Camp (1988)
Cheerleader Camp, which was originally titled Bloody Pom Poms (SO much better), stars Betsy Russell (Avenging Angel), Lucinda Dickey (Breakin' 1 and Electric Bugaloo), Leif Garrett (rehab and the seventies) and eventual porn star Teri Weigel (Anal Obsession, American Bukkake 7). The story is fairly simple, cheerleaders, one of their boyfriends and a funny fat guy go to cheerleading camp so they can lay around in bikinis, have sex with each other and pass the spirit stick which is just having more sex with each other. None of that happens in this movie except the bikinis part. Alison (Russell) is plagued by strange nightmares in which she murders people. After she arrives at camp, people start being murdered. Is Alison the killer? Is Leif Garrett balding in high school? Spoiler alert: The answer to one of those questions is yes.
Berserker (1987)
If it's not fairly obvious, I love horror movies. Especially if they cost $1. I purchased Berserker (aka: Berserker: The Nordic Curse, to avoid confusion from fanboys) from my local Hollywood Video when they were clearing out their VHS section. Turns out, it has nothing to do with Wolverine killing people and everything to do with Vikings. Okay, not everything. The premise is teenage or twenty somethings decide to vacation at a campground one of them went to a lot as a kid. The campground is owned by full-of-the-ol'-gee-whiz Pappy. Pappy is Norwegian. This only matters because at some point, he tells some old timey urban legend about a Viking warrior that wears a bear poncho and kills people. Sometimes you should listen to old people. Especially if the story involves Vikings and knives. Sidenote: Pappy is played by veteran in everything character actor, George "Buck" Flower. He also plays "Pop" in Cheerleader Camp.
Blood Lake (1987)
Oh, old man maniac, you slay me! Too soon? Anyway, so a group of teenagers, some younger than fifteen, somehow are allowed to go camping unsupervised by parents. This turns out to be good for the parents since if they had come along, they only would have been stabbed anyway. This gem is filmed on a hand-held video camera so don't bother playing it on your HD VCR. I'm pretty sure the stars of this film, including the break out child actor portraying "Tony," never went on to become legitimate porno stars like Teri Weigel, (see Droppin' Loads 2) but sometimes in this business you just don't got it. If you like water skiing and steak knives, check out Blood Lake (getting 12 year-olds drunk since that time they made it).
Edge of the Axe (1988)
Turns out, horror movies rip off other horror movies. This happens a lot, but it's hard to avoid when almost everything has been done (until Human Centipede). Rather than hurting your brain meats being creative, it's easier to just stick with a formula you know works. Everyone is scared of a dude in a mask with an axe, right? This movie was sort of a rip-off coleslaw of both Halloween and Friday the 13th. The watchable difference with this rip-off is it opens with a lady getting axed to death in a car wash. Watch worthy. The story surrounds one summer in a peaceful little do-nothing town where the all American citizens are being cut up by an axe-wielding maniac, but WHO is it? Is it the twitchy sheriff? The bartender's daughter? The escaped lunatic? Or the scantily-clad man-voiced female bar patron? Who knows. What I do know is this movie has talking computers that invented instant messaging before it was invented. Edge of the Axe just may have broken new ground in computer technology! Also, there is a good twist ending (unlike Signs) I never saw coming.
The Willies (1990)
So technically this film is not a traditional killer camp/summer slasher. People are killed though and poodles are microwaved. You actually may have seen this one, the toilet monster in it scared the shit out of me as a kid, and there are a couple well-known actors. The Willies stars Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin (Encino Man) and Kimmy Robertson, favorer of refrigerator note film titles (Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, Don't Tell Mom, The Babysitter's Dead). Three kids, related by blood, go camping out in the woods. Whilst in the dark, rabid-raccoon-infested forest alone, they attempt to freak each other out by telling scary fictional and true (unconfirmed) stories about killer janitors (I always wondered what Steve Coozer kept in that broom closet) and exploding dogs. Though it may not give you "the willies" as an adult, I still can't watch that dog scene. Of course, that could just be because I'm a girl and we do things like a girl.
Mosquito (1995)
Another treasure I acquired for a mere dollar (before tax), The Mosquito is an unexpectedly watchable movie. It's also an orgy of genres including horror, sci-fi, comedy, romance and nature films. The Mosquito starts with the crash landing of an alien ship in s possibly national park somewhere in America. An average earthling mosquito decides to suck the alien blood from a dead, or I guess just dying, alien's arm. Instead of the dead alien becoming Zombie Mosquito Man doing whatever a Zombie Mosquito Man can, the mosquito becomes a giant alien killer mosquito and begins sucking buckets of blood out of camping tourists! Then more mosquitoes suck more mutating alien blood and more tourists get drained! The film stars Gunnar Hansen better known as the original "Leatherface" of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series and some other people. Some of the jokes are actually funny and the mosquito puppet is surprisingly good plus, alien mutant blood!
There you have it. Now, instead of doing outdoorsy active things in that burning bright warmth called "the sun", stay cool indoors with a refreshing brew and enjoy these delightful turds available (probably not) at a video store near you.
Like a fine wine.
Or just download Teri Weigel'sMasterbation Nation 4.
