Top Five Commercial B-Movies With (Implied) Bestiality

Unfortunately, scenes of inter-species conquest are not always held prisoner to curtained-off rooms of your local video store.  In fact, some of these tacky tales of forbidden love find their way on the big screen to be enjoyed by audiences for at least the opening weekend.  So, in honor of that blue-filtered image of Gary Busey mounting a shrieking Vanity that will forever haunt my brain, I give you TEC's top five commercial B-movies with bestiality themes that do not include rape or coconuts.  For the most part anyway.  No animals were harmed in the making of these shitty films.  I can't promise as much for the actors involved.

5.  Encino Man (1992)

I feel hard pressed placing this film under the title of "B-movie" since it stars some of the greatest thespians of our generation, Brendan "So Fraise and so clean" Fraiser, Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin and Pauley Shore (limp Jew-fro in tact), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong anywhere else.  Encino man is about two high school senior class (allegedly) losers, Dave (Sean Astin) and Stoney (Pauley Shore) who are digging a pool in Dave's backyard and unearth a Cro-magnon man, fully in tact, organs and all, encased in block of ice.  Dave, who longs for the popularity that is enjoyed by Dom DeLuise's nephew and Rose McGowan at his So-Cal High School in Encino decides to defrost the caveman and take it on Letterman so he can get prom king votes.  I'm pretty sure this is how the social casting system works.  What they didn't expect was for the caveman (enter Brendan Frasier) to thaw and turn out to be an apish party dude who just wants to chill, bra!  The guys pretend he's a foreign exchange student from Estonia named Link and try to teach him how to be "normal" or at least not eat flies and throw women over his shoulder to take off somewhere to rape mate with.  Hey asshole, welcome to the 90's!  We've come along way since the Cro-magnon era.  We can even vote now! 



So this is how white people get dreads.

Anyhow, I do find there to be a questionable subtle bestiality tone to this movie.  No one has sex in the movie, or at least on screen anyway, but all the girls in school want the bone the "new guy" and bone him bad.  The reason I find this to be questionably illegal is, isn't this guy still in the slow process of evolution?  At this point, he's more monkey than man, right?  He definitely acts like a monkey, he even invents a dance at the prom in the end they call "the monkey."  Therefore, I deem sexual transgressions with this dude to be inter-species coitus.  Actually, I consider it to be the same case if you want to bone Brendan Frasier as well.

4. Walk Like A Man (1987)

Howie Mandel, with a full head of hair, plays Bobo Shand, a man raised by wolves who is discovered by "beautiful" wildlife behaviourist Penny (Amy Steel), yes those people are always attractive, and returned to his millionaire family where he is set to inherit a fortune.  Only problem is, a collision course to wackiness ensues when Bobo is somehow unable to adapt to high society and would rather sniff snooty old ladies butts, lap up champagne from the flute and eat with the dogs!  Oh those wolf foster parents!  They didn't even bother to teach Bobo any manners.  They must have just been in it for the government check.  Also, his greedy brother played by Christopher Lloyd wants the inheritance all to himself and plans to neuter poor Bobo, permanently!  Or wait...he plans to put him to sleep, permanently!  Or, never mind the metaphor.  He just wants to kill him.

 The bestiality aspect of the storyline involves the animal behaviourist, Penny, who dedicates all her time in teaching Bobo how to act like a real man.  You know, speak some sort of human language and walk on two legs and stuff, but in the course of their teaching, she predictably starts to fall for Bobo and eventually they end up together.  Before the true love happens, there is a lot of sniffing and awkward sexual tension between Bobo and Penny.  I know that Bobo is technically a dude, but he still walks on all fours, barks and chases cats.  The fact that she found this arousing endearing from the get go is already a little creeper to me.



"Be a good dog Bobo and sit and stay while we watch Sex & The City."



Even when he's able to walk upright in a Hawaiian shirt and shop at a mall like every other civilized human being, he still howls and scratches himself.  Why the hell is this woman so desperate?  Also, all the courting involves dog-like behavior on his part.  I know it's not real bestiality, but he's just as stupid as a dog.  If she was one of those creepy old rich ladies that slathered peanut butter on her bush and told Bobo to come lap it up, he would and now it's considered foreplay.  Those ladies (do you hear me Joan Collins?) need to get themselves some wolf-raised dudes.  Is it possible Penny had a thing for dogs before meeting Bobo, but couldn't bring herself to express it because you know, it's a social taboo and really illegal, thankfully?  It's like if you are secretly into children and date a proportional little person to be able to not only express your dirty fetish outwardly, but also seem like a really open-minded and non-judgemental person will doing so.  Maybe I'm reading more into this than I should.  Either way, Penny, I know what you're doing girl and you nasty!  

3. Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Though this film was originally intended to be released as Creepshow 3, I think fans of the television series would agree that it holds up well to the original television series, although I really missed the opening title sequence which is by far the best thing about TFTDS.  An anthology movie including three short horror stories told by Joey Lawrence's little brother while he attempts to distract Debbie Harry as she prepares to cook him, TFTDS is sort of hard to fit in the B-movie genre since it's got great production value, special effects and Rae Dawn Chong.  Since the movie itself has been largely panned by critics, had a smaller budget than most Hollywood horror movies and failed at the box office, I'm going to go ahead and refer to this one as such. 

The questionable animal/human bonerizing tale in question is the third in the film, titled "Lover's Vow."  It tells the tale of Preston (James Remar), a brooding artist living in New York City who just can't seem to sell enough of this shitty art pieces in order to pay his bills (a rarity I'm sure).  One night while leaving through the alley exit after closing time at his local watering hole, he witnesses a gargoyle looking thing that viciously murders a friend of his.  The gargoyle approaches him and he begs to be spared.  The creature says that his life will be spared if he promises not to reveal to ANYONE what he saw.  Preston swears and the monster lets him ago. 

 

"What are you starring at? Is there something in my teeth?"



As he rushes back to his apartment on the dark streets alone, he encounters Carola (RAE DAWN MOTHERFUCKING CHONG, DOG!) who he freaks out about her walking alone.  She's not sure what his damage is and he can't really tell her, but he convinces her to come up to his apartment since she has no where to stay.  WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! Fast forward ten years and Preston has become a successful artist once again, inspired by the love of his life Carola, who by now is his wife and mother of his two young children.  Although everything in their lives seems perfect, Preston is still haunted by the night they met and has been wrestling with whether or not he should tell Carola the truth.  On their ten year anniversary, he decides to tell her what he saw and even shows her a sculpture of the gargoyle thing he's been working on for several years.  Understandably, she freaks out, but not for the reasons you think.  She starts screaming, "...you promised you wouldn't tell" and her voice gets really demony.  Then she begins to transform into the gargoyle creature, which is pretty gross and awesome.  Preston starts begins crying and his two small children run out from their room.  Suddenly they are creepy gargoyle creatures as well.  The Carola creature and Preston share some weepy "I love yous" and she promptly rips out his jugular vein.  

 

A murderous monster, but her ethnicity seemed so harmless.



Here's the rub for me.  So, this whole time, he's been technically screwing a gargoyle in human hide.  Is a gargoyle a kind of animal?  It has wings and horns and apparently has a vagina so I'm going to categorize it as such.  What do you think ran through Preston's mind when Rae Dawn starting stripping off all her lady skin and revealed herself to be this butt-ugly winged monster underneath?  I guarantee his first thought had to be, "...this is who I've really been boning this whole time?"  Of course before he could really get into the more introspective meaning behind their inter-species escapades, he's murdered which is probably better for everybody in the end.  Those kids would just have grown up to they themselves subjecting poor unbeknownst human to their bi-gargoyle charms.  We could have had a whole race of secret gargoyles on our hands.  It would have been like V for real!  Is this starting to sound racist?

2.  Sleepwalkers (1992)

This is where things start getting more literal.  1992's Sleepwalkers is a lower budget Hollywood film based off a story by horror author Stephen King that involves a supposed teenage boy, Charles (Brian Krause) and his eerily young in appearance mother that move to a small town.  Charles immediately crushes on a local girl named Tanya and begins pursuing her.  He seems all blonde and sweet and first, but after agreeing to a date, Tanya quickly realizes that Charles is actually a cat-like monster who needs to kidnap her so his mom, also a cat-like monster, can consume her virginal essence (whatever that is, wink).  

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."

There is the obvious implication of the cat/human on human intimacy that happens, but the real WTF moment of this movie (besides Stephen King's random cameo) is the scene of Charles and his mother doing it.  Yes, it's got incest and beastiality wrapped into one fucked up cat-like burrito!  In the scene where Charles and his mom are rolling all over eachother, the camera pans to the mirror which not only shows them naked and possibly boning, but shows them in their full cat-beast form.  It's pretty awesome gross, or at least I remembered it being as much as a kid.  The predicatable twist of this one is that the "sleepwalkers" or cat beasts are only vunerable to the scratch of a domestic house cat.  Stephen King really seems to love him some cats.  Oh Stephen, you sure are a crazy old cat lady in a not very convincing disguise!  Eventually all the town's local kitty population forms a cat mob and pounce on the cat beats' house.  I'm not sure what the deal with the cats are or at least I don't really remember.  Maybe they just want to stop all this unnecessary inter-species breeding.  Is this starting to sound racist?

1. Humanoids From the Deep (1980)

As far as animals raping humans goes, you don't get much more graphic than Roger Corman's Humanoids From the Deep.  In fact, Tanya's Island also came out the same year from Canada.  Perhaps it was Canada's response to the new craze in animal rape films.  Not sure.  Either way, Humanoids does it better and by better I mean it's so ridiculous and over the top camp, it's not trying to get political or send a message except maybe to keep our oceans clean which I can totally stand behind.  Humanoids is about a small beachside town which is reaked havoc upon by scientic experiments with fish and human DNA somehow gone awry.  The fish monsters begin to invade the town to kill the men and rape the hot ladies.  It's kind of like the Spanish conquests of Mexico, but you know, with no financial benefit in the end.  

"Shh Jenny, it's me Nemo."

I don't think I need to go into detail as to why this is implied beastiality and by implied I mean, it's not real since the fish men rapists are really fully covered stunt guys in fish suits.  Humanoids does what Tanya's Island didn't as far as animal rape scenes goes, it makes fun of itself.  There's a parade in the town at some point to crown the Miss Salmon of the year that is disrupted by the murderous/rapey fish guys.  It'a awesome.  Okay, the rapey parts are a little queasy, but it's just so ridiculous, in fact there are times the models actresses being fish ravaged appear to be holding back laughter.  This is what B-movies are all about.  Especially if they're going to approach such heavy hitting social taboo material such as fish rape.  Someone's got to put this out in the public sphere for dialogue and only Roger Corman could do so with both grace and humor.  Plus a lot of bush and boobs. 

                   

The WTF Film of the Week!

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."

Okay, so a few weeks ago, I posted a trailer for some insane looking possible Beastiality softcore porn-fest titled, Tanya's Island from glorious 1980 and featuring the pre-crack addicted, fuller-bodied naked and talking talents of Vanity as Tanya. You know, that Vanity. Except in the film she is credited as "D.D. Winters" which is also NOT her real name, it's actually Katrina Matthews which sounds neither like vagina or a nick name for your penis.  Though the time I posted the trailer, I swore to never watch the film, let alone post a review, I eventually changed my mind.  Listen, I knew this thing had to be a piece of shit and there was a very real chance it was going to be disturbing on several levels, but come on!  It looked so ridiculous that macabre curiosity of viewing those shark attacks and old lady vs. train collisions on those banned from television videos set in.  What the fuck could this film possibly be about?  Is there just constant nudity and sex for the full hour and a half and most importantly and also most disturbing, is there actually a film in existence that involves an ape man ape raping 1980's Vanity???  What in 80's fuckery??  It just seemed like a bad punchline to a hackey joke.  I had to know!  Trailer below, NSFW! 

Tanya's Island brought to you by Tanya's landing strip.

So before you get all excited about renting this turd and rounding up a group of shitty movie loving friends, some cheese puffs and a 12 pack, I bring bad news Enemaniacs.  This film is NOT WATCHABLE!  It starts out entertainingly cheesy enough, with a fully-naked bare bushed Vanity projected onto the island background of the opening credits, writhing around and faking an orgasm or something.  Already I decide, this turd totally has B-movie potential.  Then, flash forward to, well, Vanity Tanya jogging along the busy streets of some city for a very long time, completely clothed head to toe.  There are a lot of close ups of her face while she jogs.  A lot.

Then, all of sudden we're thrown back and forth between scenes of her filming some possible music video in a train with guys dressed in racially insensitive African tribal garb, shots of the the stop motion animated gorilla in scenes from 1949's Mighty Joe Young and Tanya STILL jogging.  It gets even more disjointed from there.  There is no explanation who any of the characters are or where they are.  During the shots filmed in the dinner train, a woman approaches Tanya and makes some rambling comment about Tanya's "career."  Okay, so I guess she's a pop singer?  Then Tanya is suddenly knocking on the door of some apartment and is greeted angrily by a bearded guy.  The guy tells her to leave and she asks to come in.  He tells her he never wants to see her again and she continues to pathetically beg to stay.  This is followed by her forcing her way into the apartment where he promptly get's creepily aggressive with her and throws her around all the while shouting that he doesn't want her.  Yeah.  She says some more passive pathetic things involving her creepy co-dependence to this guy and then, suddenly the scene cuts to her in another apartment alone.  This film shits all over segues.   Once in another apartment, which I assume is her own, Tanya hears a grunting noise which she follows in, oh, here we go SLOW MOTION because this whole time I was thinking to myself, Jesus, this plot is moving along so quickly with so much going on, if only they'd slow it down for a bit!  After probably 10 minutes of Tanya walking to a door, she opens it and suddenly, that's right, is on some deserted island.

Wait, how are they boning if his flaccid penis is dangling? Ghost boner?

Of course, there is no explanation as to whether this is a time warp, flash back or dream sequence.  She's just suddenly in a different more revealing outfit, riding a white horse and talking to the asshole abusive ex-boyfriend, who she has apparently now re-boyfriended.  We learn that this bearded guy is named Lobo, is still an aggressive asshole and is a surrealist painter.  Tanya and Lobo frolic and fuck around the island and act as if they've lived there together all their lives.  At some point when Tanya is picking fruit in the jungle, she thinks she sees something in the trees.  She is frightened and runs to Lobo, who of course mocks her for being a pussy instead of comforts her in anyway because that's what artists do.  Tanya decides to explore the island on her own to find if they are truly alone and eventually comes upon a deserted cave housing a creepy ape man creature who she secretly be-friends and names him Blue because of his blue eyes.  She begins sneaking away each day to swim naked in Blue's cave while he watches her and chews a stick.  No, seriously, that's what they do.  She keeps this friendship from her asshole boyfriend for undisclosed reasons, but I assume it's because she doesn't want to mix their friends circles in case they break up.  Blue starts stalking Tanya and Lobo's tent at night which culminates in a confrontation between Lobo and Blue when Blue rips up one of Lobo's ape paintings, dick.  Lobo ends up following Tanya into the jungle one day and discovers who naked swimming/stick eating friendship with Blue.  Naturally, he's pissed.  He's a sensitive guy.  Instead of confronting Tanya then and there, he waits for her back at the tent so when he can ask her where she was, catch her in a lie and then rip off her top and forcibly finger her.  This is where the movie takes a turn for the seriously rapey and fucked up.  Which should have made it more entertaining, but it doesn't. 

Blue reflects on whether he should have worn a condom.

 The rest of the film involves a man vs. beast struggle between Lobo and Blue for Tanya's affections which involves Lobo dressing up as some stereotype of an Afican tribal member and building a bamboo prison to keep Tanya in and Blue out.  Oh yeah and he also feels the need to rape her in front of Blue's ape face.  Blue eventually frees Tanya from the prison after the rape only to, you guessed it, rape her himself.  That's right, this movie has a Vanity double dipping rape scene and no, it is not worth watching just for this WTF moment.  I promise you.


Besides numbing your brain on lack of dialogue and plot alone, if you have any normal level of confidence, Tanya's insistence on returning to Lobo after he treats her like shit and forcibly fists her at some point is excruciatingly obnoxious.  She even goes to him for comfort when Blue is attacking the bamboo cage post Lobo raping her.  I'm not sure if the director/writer intended this film to be some sort of metaphor about male aggression and sexuality, a dialogue about misogyny or even a documentary about the beginnings of AIDS, but even if that was the intention, Vanity's boobies and bush cannot save this dull, boring and frustratingly ridiculous excuse for an erotic drama.  I've seen episodes of Red Shoe Diaries better than this and the people in it have flaccid penis fake sex were uglier!  If the only pay off of this movie is a slow motion, blue filtered Gary Busey-looking ape suit raping a post-Princed/Loboed Vanity, I say get a better gimmick and preferably one that is more legal.

Turns out, Jesus does not do a body good.

In case anyone wonders, Vanity aka Katrina Matthews, left the spotlight in the 80's after almost losing both her kidneys to a crack cocaine addiction and has since become an Evangelical Christian preacher.  I know most people would credit the crack for this career move, but I really have to blame Tanya's Island because when you think about it, I'm pretty sure making this shit storm turned her onto crack in this first place.  R.I.P Vanity (1980's something - 1980's something).   

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

In the tradition of Tom Hanks' Turner and Hooch (1989) and Jim Belushi's K-9 (1989), Chuck Norris stars in not your average buddy cop action/comedy, but this time it's 1995 and...a different breed of dog...

TEC Podcast: Episode 7: My Body Es Like A Battlefield!

It's TEC's very first Mexi-centric episode!  In honor of Hispanic Heritage month (September), I give you a muy especial Episode 7 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring guacamole, several cervezas and mi especial guests, comedians and fellow partial Mexicans, Jessica Strauss and Corbett Cummins!  In this personal and incredibly ethno-centric episode, we delve a little into our own Hispanic heritage while also feeling the aftermath of el muy mal movie that is 2007's El Muerto known in the U.S. as The Dead One.  Based off an independent comic created by Javier Hernandez, El Muerto tells the story of a Mexican teen, Juan Diego, whose soul is stolen after a tragic car accident on his way to a Dia Del Los Muertos party by an Aztec god (yes, it's THAT Mexican) who plans to use him to bring soul sacrifices to the Land of the Dead.  Sort of like a Mexican Spawn or The Crow.  Diego tells the God he can chupar his gallo and instead uses his new found invunerabilty and abilities to heal to become a super hero.  Well, that's the comic.

Take that Brandon Lee!

The movie, starring Wilmer Valderrama from That 70's Show follows this story up until the fuck the God part and instead tells the story we didn't care about, involving Diego crying in the rain a lot, having Aztec God related panic attacks and thinking about the girlfriend he left behind.  There's also a skinny Jewish friend played by Joel Moore of Grandma's Boy fame thrown in for comic relief that never ends up being funny.  Check out the trailer below.

Fiesta!

Though the movie was a siesta, Jessica, Corbett and I learn not only to embrace every part of ourselves, but that Spanish rape isn't that bad, Maria Conchita Alonso did not age well, what Corbett's "O" face looks like and there is in fact, a worse comic book adaptation than The Punisher.  Viva La Raza y Escuchar Mis Amigos (that means listen, homes)!      

You can download this and all other episodes of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast @ http://theenematiccinematic.podbean.com                                                                                               

                                                                                                

Brown Pride From Left to Right: Corbett Cummins, Jessica Strauss, Elicia Sanchez

             

Top 5 Shitty Movies That Were Filmed With a Hand-held Camcorder

As far as bad movies good, in my opinion, the lower the production value, the more I am generally entertained.  Unless you're Gore-met Zombie Chef From Hell, then you're just dark and grainy and dubbed to shit and I am only made angry.  Although, the production quality wasn't really what made me unable to finish viewing this turd as much as the story was fucking awful in an non-entertaining way.  It came off as an extremely low-budget local theater production and though I love shitty movies, I ironically hate community theater.  Okay, it's not ironic, but I digress.  Here is a short list of some of my favorite B-movies that look like or actually were filmed on either the director's Dad's camcorder or the one he/she rented out from their local community college's multimedia center.  By the way, Blood Lake would absolutely be on this list if I hadn't included it in a previous countdown.  Though B-movies are often redundant, I at least attempt to avoid this.


5.  Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Directed/Written/Produced/Composed by the enigmatic poor man's genius that was the late Chester Novell Turner (also all of those things for the amazing Black Devil Doll From Hell which I will get to) Tales From the Quadead Zone is a shittacious, mind-numbing attempt at a horror anthology and I absolutely love it.

"Oh ghost son, you say the sweetest things."

First of all, the painfully cheap 80's special effects, actors, sets and music make this a slow-moving, but entertaining turd rolled in nostalgic charm.  Our main character (I guess) is a woman reading a book of horror stories to her son who is totally dead!  There are effects that explain this such as her talking to no one and air blowing creepily near her ear, which she gets a little too excited about when her ghost son is allegedly ghost whispering to her.  This is a little ew, but incredibly tame as far as Turner goes.  There are two stories told here, "Food For ?" and "Brothers."  "Food For ?" which is really titled that, it's not a result of me not being able to read the text on screen though at times, this is hard, surrounds a redneck family whom every night they sit down for dinner, must fight to the death to eat before all the food is gone.  Even if they have to stab a bitch.  Don't worry if you get emotionally attached to any of the characters because thankfully there is a non-helpful epilogue.

I think this is hillbilly cop code for dead.

The second story, "Brothers" is exactly about that.  A man murders his brother due to his insane jealously of him not only stealing his wife (dick), but breaking her heart as well (double dick).  Just to humiliate his dead brother's corpse further, he decides to dress him up as a clown.  This comes back to haunt him when his brother rises from the dead and literally comes back to haunt him in that creepy clown suit.  The final story doesn't really have a title since it surrounds our main character who after storybook ghost son corner, is confronted by her husband.  He wants her to get over the dead son thing and stop telling stories to walls.  She doesn't like his tone and some weird "plot points" ensue that involves knives and cops.  Did I give it away?  This second and only other film-making attempt by Turner is not as bizarre as the first, but more watchable if you're offended by rape and misogyny.  Unfortunately Turner died in a car accident in 1996 before he was able to grace us with anymore of the crazy shit he thinks about at night.  If you're interested in trying to sit through Tales From the Quadead Zone, it is available in parts on YouTube here as well as on DVD in the near future.  Also, R.I.P Chester Novell Turner, gone too soon.      


4.  The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

What was it with the 70's and 80's and rape revenge movies?  I would almost say this was a sign of progressive feminism in film, except for you know, all the rape that happens in them.  Nail Gun Massacre, owner of the purposefully fucked-up double entendre tagline: "A Very Penetrating Story,"  opens with a young woman being raped by a group of construction workers.  It's true.  This one doesn't bullshit about their rape.  If you can make it through this scene, which beyond boobs and creepy taunts is not incredibly graphic, but rather gross and unnecessary, the remainder of the film involves an obvious female mysterious killer stalking each rapist construction worker and slaughtering them and their wives/girlfriends/breadwinners one by one with a nail gun.

Don't worry, she the killer doesn't nail the baby...I think.

Though you might feel a little uneasy sitting through this one, most of that feeling in your stomach involves the camcorder work rather than the gore or the graphic violence.  It's pretty enjoyable to watch all these assholes get theirs, including one guy that is appropriately nailed against a tree whilst nailing someone against a tree!  The effects are ridiculously low-budget, but much of it, while at moments is painfully slow and or awkward, is unintentionally entertaining with the unintentional funny fat people kills being the highlight.  Not for the faint of heart, watch it with a friend, but probably not someone you want to impress with either your moral compass, personal taste or those classes you took in college about woman's studies.  Check out the trailer below, FYI NSFW.

3.  Redneck Zombies (1987)

This cinematic camcorder-filmed turd was brought to us by none other than Troma Films.  It's an extremely low-budget chicken gizzard, Hershey syrup gore-fest about a group of dumb-ass rednecks that find, you guessed it if you're a Troma fan, a barrel of radioactive waste in the woods and decide to use the contents in their moonshine...sigh.  Turns out the tainted booze turns everyone that drinks it, not into hideously deformed radioactive super heroes, but into more hideously deformed radioactive redneck zombies!  Holy chicken butter biscuit balls!  As if these people didn't already put enough things in their mouths that they shouldn't.

Even as a zombie, Laraina's brother gave the best massages.

Anyway, it's not an incredibly watchable movie, but entertainingly bad enough, especially if you do so with friends and possibly booze.  I don't mind the low budget acting and camcorder directing, but for some reason, cheap zombie latex/makeup really bothers me.  Maybe because it fails at looking dead and succeeds at just looking like an average ashy sufferer of some extremely unattended to case of eczema sitting near me on the bus.  Gross.  I hate the bus, but Redneck Zombies is okay, especially compared to the Seattle transit system.  Check out the chicken-fried steak eatin', gun-lovin', Toby Keith allowin' trailer below.




2.  Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)


B-movie lovers, film critics and bored people alike often refer to the notoriously shittacious Troll 2 as the worst movie of all time.  To those people, I say, you have CLEARLY not witnessed the horror that is Black Devil Doll From Hell.  CLEARLY.  Written/Directed/Produced/Composed by the previously mentioned Chester Novell Turner, Black Devil Doll From Hell tells the story of a church-going woman, a virtuous virgin at age thirty-forty something, who on a whim purchases an ugly, creepy, racial stereotype of a ventriloquist dummy at a local this-and-that shop.  The store keeper tells the woman that the dummy (which is painted brown and has a dreadlock wig) has been purchased from her store several times before, but always returns to her doorstep somehow.  She also tells the woman that she hears the doll has the power to grant it's owner, "...their one heartfelt wish."  The woman shrugs this off and purchases the doll.  Now, you'd think this thing would now venture into possible Monkey Shine or Child's Play territory, right?  Where the doll either begins to murder those closest to the woman or perhaps curses her life in general.  This is where a sane person would go with this story.  Not Chester Novell Turner my friends.  He fucking goes there!  And where is there, you ask?  Oh, just straight to dummy on human cherry-poppin' fornication, that's where.

You're welcome.

The dummy knocks out our church lady, somehow drags her into her bed and ties her up and then...this has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have EVER seen EVER happen in a movie and I've seen some movies Enemaniacs.  The dummy tells the woman, "...Now I'm going to fuck you bitch."  If this isn't already enough to make you uncomfortable while sitting next to the person or persons you might be viewing this movie with, it get's worse.  She begs and pleads for him not to take her virtue and he explains that this is her "...heartfelt wish."  Oh.  And then he goes down on her with dummy tongue.  Dummy tongue that is squirting out some sort of white liquid.  Yes.  This happens.  She decides this goo-covered dummy tongue is so awesome, that losing her V to a possessed wooden dummy is a sexy idea...and it goes from there for an uncomfortably long ten minutes or so.  It's like blaxploitation Japanese live-action anime.  The rest of the movie is about the aftermath of this woman being so completely sexed up by the dummy doll, she becomes a raging nympho...anyway, if this doesn't sound funny, trust me, it is for the most part.  If you are an adventurous movie viewer, then this turd is for you.  If you are easily offended by those things which should never be seen by the human eye, then avoid this at all costs.  Either way, here is a somewhat "safe" (meaning there's no doll boning involved) clip below.  WARNING: ONCE YOU SEE THIS DOLL SAY, "...I'M GONNA FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH," THIS IMAGE WILL BE BURNED INTO YOUR BRAIN FOR ALL ETERNITY.




1.  Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

For those of you that are finished recovering from the previous clip and have chosen to continue reading, first, I applaud your courage.  Second, I give you my favorite filmed on a hand-held camcorder movie of all time...Woodchipper Massacre!  Directed/Written by Jon McBride of possible Cannibal Campout fame, the best part about this film, is though it may sound like sort of a solemn subject, you know, massacre and all, the movie is surprisingly upbeat and funny.  It tells the story of an average family, teenage son Jon (played by Writer/Director Jon McBride), pre-teen daughter, Denise and youngest son, Tom whose father goes out of town on business and leaves them with a strict, god-obsessed bitch of a babysitter, Aunt Tess.  The kids are all fairly normal 80's middle class surbanites, Jon likes rock n' roll, Denise likes friends, denim and the mall and Tom likes computers and pissing everyone else off.  When Tom receives a Rambo hunting knife in the mail, Aunt Tess attempts to take it from him.  A struggle ensues and oops, Aunt Tess accidentally stabs herself in the gut and dies.

"Don't tell mom, our Aunt is in the woodchipper!"

This is when the movie gets ridiculous, but completely awesome.  The kids decide they don't want to ruin their father's business trip or get in trouble, so they freeze Aunt Tess' body and then dismember it in the woodchipper in the backyard and then bury the pieces.  They hoped that would be the end of it, but then the Aunt's douchey fresh from prison son shows up, as well as other assholes who start poking their noses into things and well, more people accidentally end up in pieces.  The gore is fairly good for this film's obviously extremely low budget and the light-hearted feel of it is often funny.  Also, if you watch the special features on the DVD, there is a video commentary from some random guy in his basement bedroom which is dark and covered in horror movie posters, that just mumbles on about how this movie changed his life.  It's fair creepier and menacing then the film itself.  I can't say the same for McBride's Cannibal Campout, but Woodchipper Massacre is quite an achievement considering what they had to work with it and also a perfect Polaroid of your 80's youth you often reminisce about.  Check out the wackiness below. 

TEC Podcast: Episode 6: I Didn't Know She Was 15!

On this barely legal, under age episode of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast, I bring you 1983's Spacehunter: Adventures in Molly Ringwald's the Forbidden Zone in unintentional 2-D!  Though I generally do a preview for each podcast episode, this one, in true intentional 3-D fashion, needs to just be all up in yo face!  Spacehunter: AITFZ, stars an underage Molly Ringwald as Nikki, a young rebellious space waif who just got her boobies and Peter Strauss as Wolff, our chiseled hero!  Also, Michael Ironside as the bald baddie Overdog, who lives on a crane!  Also, Ernie Hudson is in it sometimes.  Wolff, a middle-aged Earther/alleged adventurer decides to seek a bounty promised after the rescue of three pretty Earther ladies who have been kidnapped by the crane-aided Overdog so he can suck their boobies life essence!  Along the way he finds dirty little scav Nikki who he forces into a sponge bath and eventually shares a tin foil sleeping bag with.  Uncomfortable yet?  See the trailer below!

Crane mounting and claw hands, the mobility of the future!

 It gets better!  On this trip to the unknown reaches of Utah space, I brought along with me comedian and co-founder of Seattle's own Peoples Republic of Comedy, Mr. Emmett "Mustache" Montgomery as well as comedian, Comedy Underground co-host and co-podcaster (Delicious Mediocrity), Mr. Joe "He Fucking Goes There" Henry!  Personal boundaries are tested, boners discussed and I bring the podcast to a stand still while managing to disturb Emmett and make Joe speechless!  A must hear feat Enemaniacs!

                            

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

Don "The Dragon" Wilson thinks his problems are weapons and gangs, but really they are Asian stereotypes, bad dialogue and a racist Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax.  Then again, that could just be the story of his life.  It's 1994's Red Sun Rising!

The WTF Film(?) Of the Week

This WTF collection of film shorts came to my attention in two ways.  First of all, there happens to be a 50 DVD film collection known as "The Decrepit Crypt Of Nightmares" on sale at my local Half Price Books discounted book store for the past year.  Since the first time I saw it, I was intrigued.  It was the titles on the back that sold me, Dead Body Man, Hip Hop Locos, Prehistoric Bimbos in Armageddon City and the soon to be mentioned shit-kicking shit movie in question, Scarlet Fry's Junkfood Horror Fest.  This sounded interesting, but it didn't really stand out more than the rest.  Update for anyone that cares, I have yet to buy that pack.  I'm still waiting on a mark down.  If you live locally and decide to buy this out from under me, I'll tell you right now, you're an asshole. 

Anyway...the other way in which this film oozed it's way into my life and onto my movie screen is through a friend of mine, who happens to also be an employee at my local video store.  He was asking me if I had ever since the shitfest known as Scarlet Fry's Junk...blah blah blah and I told him my not so funny story about my elusive movie value pack.  He told me that the movie was a collection of mini alleged horror shorts of the white trashiest kind all hosted by some redneck zombie calling himself Scarlet Fry.  Figures.  In fact, he specifically recommended one about some skate boarders trying to score drugs.  Turns out, my friend's place of employment just so happened to carry both of the movie collections burned on DVD and I ended up renting them both.

"Hey, can you tell me where the Hot Topic is around here?"

Okay, now for the WTF news.  I knew these things were on DVR with no labels so I didn't expect high quality, plus my friend had already warned me that the whole thing was filmed on a hand-held camcorder and some shorts were pretty much unwatchable.  All of this I knew.  What I didn't know was how white trash these things would be.  The "movie" starts with an alleged attractive junkie (portrayed by Calico Cooper, Alice Cooper's hell spawn daughter, first WTF part of this turd) looking to score some "junk."  This is also the first indication of how trashy this thing is going to be.  She is dressed in a men's undershirt and some kind of tight flared pants along with some platform sandals.  Maybe it's the 90's, I give it the benefit of the doubt.  Said junkie turns a corner down some low-income apartment ally and finds some dude sitting on the ground by a dumpster fiddling with tin foil and a match.  I assume this is a crack reference.  I just don't know.  Junkie Cooper then asks the guys where she "...can score some junk."  He acts annoyed and hands her a paper bag stating, "...just take this and get the fuck out of here."  She vows to return if the bag contents are, "...bunk junk" (second indication of the trashiness, who the fuck says bunk?).  Once she finds her own personal dumpster and prepares to shoot up I assume, she opens the bag only to find...a fucking VHS tape!  Bunk!  She then promptly returns to the dude and beats him to alleged death with a pipe.  Then, nonchalantly, whilst covered in Hershey syrup blood, walks up to some chubster guy taking out his trash, holds up the tape and says, "...Wanna watch a movie?"

"Fucking magnets.  How do they work?"

Okay.  Now, I haven't even gotten to the actual shorts yet, but already I knew this movie might be a mistake.  Next we are introduced to the alleged quirky host of the films, Scarlet Fry.  He turns out to be some juggalo in overalls and a cheap zombie latex make-up job.  So far, I'm still mildly amused.  While he introduces himself and the upcoming "horror" short, you notice a suburban white trash twenty-something covered in fake blood and tied to a tree behind him.  I guess this is horror ambiance.  The next sad indication of trashiness is the fact that that the chicks only close up is her massive muffin top hip fat behind Shaggy 2 Dope's Scarlet Fry's head. Oh, girl.  Actually, I'm pretty sure all of the allegedly hot chicks in this thing are people I saw smoking found cigarette butts at a bus stop at some point or they're just all in 8th grade still.  It's undetermined.

"Oh arm, you're my ooonly friend."

Now, the shorts.  First of all these "shorts" are actually like maybe five minutes long and all filmed in the same government-funded low income housing apartment complex.  The first short, Blood Thirsty Butcher surrounds some fat guy that creepily stalks some average looking girl in their apartment complex's laundry room, then invites her up to his barren apartment other than the necessary one Christmas light strand (Oh, dudes) only to stab her a bunch and eat her arm, then complain about it's lack of flavor.  That's it.  First off, the guy is totally creepy looking on top of being all fat sad.  The girl is lured to his room with the promise of home-made afternoon time lunch in his apartment after they just met.  The girl isn't hot, but she is decently average so I have no idea how this offer was alluring to her whatsoever.  Lady, you need to get yourself a new rape alarm, oh wait, you're dead now, so don't bother.

"Fuck you Grandpa! Wicca is too a religion! You never understood me!"

Anyhow...the next short titled, The Solution, is equally as short and involves another toothy goth girl playing the part of "hot chick."  You know from the minute you see her all kinds of bumpy lumpy from behind in her "sexy" nurse outfit, that she owns every episode of the Invader Zim cartoon as well as a buttload of anime.  A buttload.  Oh, girl.  So she is basically a caretaker for an alleged old guy who actually looks 35 and is wheeling him around a lake.  At some point she attempts to force feed him some pudding which he promptly spits all over the place including on her.  The pudding looks a little like jisim and with the general ambiance of this thing, I think it was deliberate.  The nurse is very annoyed, why can't this old guy stop being so sad about being old and decrepit?  Does he not understand she has an industrial dance party to go to later?  So after this important plot twist, she continues to angrily wheel him around until not so suddenly or subtly, some guy shows up in the parking with a sniper rifle and shoots the old guy in the head.  The nurse then happily skips away to the guy and his waiting Ford Contour, where he whisks her away to a romantic dinner at Applebees or something.  This makes no fucking sense.  The guy she is taking care of is already old and or crazy.  She could have just as easily pushed him into the lake or poisoned his pudding and gotten away with it.  Obviously people know who he's with and it's not too common for decrepit crazy old people to be shot in the brain for no reason.  Ugh.  Well, at least it's over after a few minutes.

The next short and the most ambitious so far is titled, Griptape Spank.  It's probably at least ten minutes long.  This is the one my friend told me was worth witnessing.  The story involves a bunch of greasy young dudes who are skating around a parking lot one day looking to score some weed.  When they come to the realization they are all broke, one of the guys, Donnie, has an idea.  He takes his two friends to a parking garage where he introduces them to a really bad gay stereotype/transvestite character in pigtails who offers to pay them $10 each in exchange for turning his "...ass blood red."  Whoa.  The friends then follow him to another, more private I guess area of the parking lot where he drops his denim daisy dukes, revealing his little pink thong.  The tranvestie then bends over a car and eggs the boys on to spank him with their skateboards, the griptape side preferably.  Okay.  Donnie's friends suddenly hesitate stating that this situation is "...fucking gay."  Um, where was the hesitation when the guy brought up the who ass blood red thing?  Also, even if you are a closeted gay hetero homophobe, spanking a dude who isn't even naked is a pretty easy 10 bucks.  It's not like you're giving him a hand job.  The friends reluctantly spank the guy in between hurling homophobic insults at Donnie and the transvestie.  They are then paid by cash the guy places in his thong for them to pull out.  When the dudes meet up with their dealer, they offer her the cash for a bag of weed.  She questions how they suddenly came up with money and they don't tell her.  After they walk away, she opens one of the folded bills to reveal it's bloody and has poo on it.  Ew.

WTF.

This is when the short takes a turn for the incredibly fucked up.  Donnie and his friends arrive at the set his apartment and are greeted by his equally greasy girlfriend in a Target sale top with a Disney character on it.  After they smoke some of the weed, Donnie's girlfriend asks where he's been getting all the money he's been bringing home.  Apparently no one has jobs.  The friend's continue to doucheily tease about the spanking and Donnie gets agro.  His girlfriend calls him a "faggot" several times.  Donnie gets more agro.  The rest of the short is about Donnie losing his shit after replaying in his head his friends and girlfriends homophobic slurs.  He then attaches some nails to his skateboard and spanks the poor, innocent spank-loving transvestie to death.  It's pretty brutal.  In fact, this short in general is just so incredibly creepily white trash gay bash that I was really pissed throughout it.  This is also the point where I stopped the movie.  Not because of complete distaste for the horrifying shitbag it was, but because the DVD was scratched and froze.

Overall, I would say this isn't necessarily unwatchable I guess, but not worth watching for sure.  The Griptape Spank one starts out amusing enough, but the violence is just so creepily small town ignorant and trashy, it only reminded me of middle school, which in this case, I didn't appreciate.  Oh well, I guess I'll never know what became of secretly dick loving Donnie.  Hopefully he was eaten by the fat guy that also lives in his apartment or was promptly shot after making fun of the nurse's kitten hoodie.  I'm not sure I really care.