Top 5 Shitty Martial Arts Movies Starring White People



As a avid lover of the chop-socky genre, I appreciate an actually good quality martial arts movie.  Then again, I am also a lover of the shitty turd film genre so I LOVE a good cultural appropriation white person in martial arts film fail a little bit more sometimes.  Whether you are or are not familiar with the genre, to sum it up, these films usually involve a white dude raised by lone old wise Asian man taught in the ways of ambiguous martial arts, the teachings and technique of which the filmmakers often take a lot of liberties with.  Then the aforementioned man with a name that sounds like a nick name for a penis will join a police force or the military only to have his unknown martial arts skills rear their head just in time for friends, enemies and big-tittied lady girls to take notice.  Then shit explodes, shirts come off and our hero round houses his way into our hearts and our already moistened vaginas.  The end.  Here is a list of my top 5 favorite movies in this genre, unfortunately excluding two of my very favorites just because I've already reviewed them in other ways (you can read about High Kicks here and Ninja III: The Domination here and you should).

5.  Day of the Panther (1988)

Not only is this film a martial arts vehicle with a white dude as the star, but it's set in Australia!  Edward John Stazack plays Jason Blade, a martial arts expert trained in China by the secret martial arts group (and no, their "martial art" is never fully identified) the Panthers.  He, his fellow Panther member and partner in something, a "beautiful" blond named Linda (played by Linda Megier), are sent on a secret mission to Perth, Australia to stop an evil drug lord and fellow martial arts expert Zukor.  Linda is killed while taking photographs of the drug operation and both Jason and other fellow Panther, Linda's (uncle?father?) vow to take revenge, sort of.  They're not too pissed about it actually.  The rest of the film involves Jason taking on Zukor and his many henchmen (and also "getting" on Linda's still alive and cuter cousin, Gemma (Paris Jefferson).  There is a final showdown with no conclusion because the whole thing ends on a cliff hanger.  Why do you ask?  To answer that question, read on to Fists of Blood!

4.  Fists of Blood (1987)

Here's where shit gets weird.  Fists of Blood is supposed to be the sequel to Day of the Panther even though it was released a year before.  It begins with scenes pulled from Day of the Panther in flashback sequences with narration.  In fact, over half of Fists is Day of the Panther.  They also try to establish in Fists that Jason and Linda were a couple, reason being he is attempting to seek revenge against Zukor because he killed his girlfriend, but if you actually watch DOTP, there doesn't seem to be a romantic relationship between them at all.  This is actually good to know, because if you only watch Fists, you might think Jason is a total douchebag for screwing his dead girlfriend's young cousin so soon after her death.  Although, he probably is an asshole regardless with a name like Jason Blade.  Fists has a more somber tone than DOTP, kind of like Empire Strikes Back in that way.  Linda's uncle/father is hit by a car and barely survives, Gemma is eventually kidnapped by Zukor's men and Jason must go to their drug compound and save her.  Don't worry though, just when Jason's chips are down, good old Linda's uncle/father is able to motivate him using telepathic cheerleading from his hospital bed.  The highlight of Fists is when Jason takes on a mission from someone to rescue their daughter who was kidnapped and is hooking at a brothel somewhere in order to feed the drug habit the kidnappers forced on her.  What?  It happens.  Jason busts in this stately house filled with naked ladies and senators and takes pimps and hos down one by one with karate or another martial art of some kind.  The girl he saves even uses some S&M hooker's whip against her as a weapon.  Both of these films are great, although Fists holds a special place in my vagina heart.  One of the few times a VHS box delivers on the cool shit it's advertising.  Look at that video cover!  Fuck yeah!       

3.  American Ninja (1985)

American Ninja, made in sunny 1985 and directed by Ninja III: The Domination and the Breakin' films director, Sam Firstenberg, stars non-martial arts expert and pretty boy actor Michael Dudikoff.  Dudikoff plays Joe Armstrong, a troubled young drifter who suffers from amnesia, gets in a lot of trouble and happens to be trained in the deadly martial arts.  After getting arrested, again, the judge gives Joe the option of enlisting in the army or going to prison.  He chooses good old Uncle Sam, of the iconic variety, not the prison nick name.  While being stationed in the Philippines, a convoy he is in, along with the Colonel's totally fuckable daughter, is ambushed by a band of evil ninja thugs from a local drug ring.  Joe decides to fight back to save the girl and in the process all of his fellow soldiers are killed.  He returns to base with the girl, but is only met with bullshit from all the higher ups for fighting with the gang and possibly inciting them to kill everyone in his platoon.  Eventually he wins back respect after getting into a fight with a high ranking officer whom he impresses with his caucasoid ninja skills.  The evil ninja drug lord, boss of the thugs from earlier, wants Joe dead for interfering with their evil ninja plans and the movie climaxes with a ninja off as Joe infiltrates the drug compound to kill the drug lord, the men responsible for killing his fellow soldiers and to save the Colonel's daughter who has been kidnapped for a second time.  Dudikoff had no martial arts training when cast for this film and it shows.  He barely has any lines and pretty much just hangs out acting aloof and trying to smolder, but this is just one of many endearing qualities of this shit awful movie.  Also, a missile is thrown at a helicopter just as ninja Joe pulls the Colonel's daughter out of it.  Come on, I had you at "missile."  Check out the trailer below.

2.  Gymkata (1985)

Starring Kurt Thomas, a real life Olympic gymnast, Gymkata attempts to take the athleticism of gymnastics and pair it with the "excitement" of karate.  FAIL!  Thomas plays Jonathan Cabot, an (here's a stretch) Olympic gymnast who is hired by the SIA (Secret Intelligence Agency, totally real) to enter a secret tournament (where was the gymnast in Mortal Kombat?) known as "the Game" in a small (fake) city Parmistan somewhere in the "old country."  The game is pretty much this giant obstacle course that tests your endurance and strength while being chased by local ninjas and thankfully has plenty of pull up bars and chalk-powdered balance beams within it.  If you win "the game" you get to not die and are granted "one wish."  SIA is hoping Jonathan will win so he can wish for permission to set up a U.S. satellite tracking system thing so America can be more prepared for nuclear war from the commies.  I don't think I want to ruin this movie by continuing to give away any more plot points, it would just cheapen it, really.  What else do you need to be sure that this is one of the greatest white person in a martial arts movie premises you've ever heard?  Still not convinced?  Then check out the trailer below.  Pure gay gold! 

1.  Samurai Cop (1989)

Starring Robert "The Face" Z'Dar and an eventual porn star, Samurai Cop is not only one of the best of the worst white person in a martial arts movie, but it's one of the best of the worst all kind of movie of all time!  Ridiculously long-haired and tan Matt Hannon plays Joe Marshall, a cop who plays dirty and knows how to swing a sword (if you're picking up what I'm putting down).  Not only that stuff, but he is also trained in the "ways of the Samurai" as well as the ways of being an incredibly huge douche.  I'm not even sure where to begin with what this movie is about.  Basically Joe and his wise-cracking easy going partner are trying to take down a group of criminals run by a king pin whose number one henchman (Z'Dar) is trained "in the ways of the Samurai."  There are sped up footage fights, open talks of sex in hospitals, a black man who is threatened to have his "gift" cut off, horrible sets, awful lighting, shitty stunt doubles, obvious wigs on the long-haired hero and more!  The dialogue consists of nuggets of wisdom, such as this interaction between Joe and a fellow officer that he is boning.  She asks him to come by that night, but he can't so he says to her, "...Keep it warm for me."  What the fuck?  Joe parades around in black bikini underwear for much of the film and he has a lot of unnecessary slut sex, but eventually woos the good girl somehow.  This thing is so amazingly bad, it's definitely one of my favorite all time shitty movies in general.  For more examples of its pure beautiful shittiness, check out some clips below!

Ninja III: The Domination (1984)Dir. Sam FirstenbergGenre: Action/Martial Arts/Horror

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B-Movie Trailer of the Day

Remember that time in the 70's when there was a movie called Jaws that was about a big shark that ate people?  Well, even if you don't, there are a lot of people that liked it at the time.  Some people even liked it so much, they decided to rip it off make a tribute to the film by making their own version.  Thus, the giant killer water beast shitty thriller/drama genre ensued.  One of my favorite Jaws inspired films is 1977's Orca: The Killer Whale.  See, they didn't even have to come up with a gimmicky title or nick name for the movie monster, it already has KILLER in it's actual first name!  Brilliant.  Orca is like Jaws, if Jaws was a man-eating shark on a mission of revenge.  It's more like if Jaws starred in Death Wish 1-3.   

If you want to read about this and other shitty rip-off versions of popular films, check out my friend (and TEC Podcast Ep. 9 guest) Laird Jimenez' blog Our Movie Is Like That Movie, where very soon you'll be able to read my reviews of Orca and other well-known and not known homages such as Ms. 45 (Death Wish) and Nukie (E.T.: Extra Terrestrial)!

TEC Podcast: Episode 9: We Came For The Rumble

It’s Episode 9 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast and for this record breaking episode, I give you a record-breaking piece of shit movie and also a record-breaking number of podcast guests!  This week I invited four guests knowledgeable in the fine art of both golden and garbage cinema and also current and former employees of Seattle’s own, Scarecrow Video, one of the largest independent video stores in the country!  My guests are Rich Grendzinski, Matt Lynch, Laird Jimenez and Marc Palm and with them they brought a movie that you will most likely only find at Scarecrow, 1985’s Ninja Turf aka L.A. Street Fighters.   The story of this film is simple, I think.  Boy goes to new school.  Boy karate fights with forty year-old bullies, boy meets girl then boy meets drug dealer and a bunch of Mexicans with knives.  It only gets better from there.

If you’re easily offended by poor taste and prefer focus and structure, do NOT listen to this cluster fuck of a podcast!  If you want to hear about a secret elderly night school, the fine art of knife fighting, a Inland Empire tie-in and the best damn dick name we’ve come across in the HISTORY of the podcast, then you must listen, NOW!

To watch the trailer and other clips from Ninja Turf, check out the sneak peak for this episode here!

B-Movie Trailer of the Day

Do you like Twilight?  If you do, you're an asshole.  The current wave of nerd girls that want their scrawny pale boyfriends to have super powers and drink blood is not new.  Remember Anne Rice?  Anyway, the trailer for today is a romantic vampire tale that not only has fangs, smoke and blood-tinged sexual intrigue, but it even stars Family Ties bad boy Scott Valentine!  He definitely doesn't sparkle in the sunlight.  Enjoy 1993's To Sleep With a Vampire.

Ultra Warrior (1990)Dir. Augusto Tamayo San Roman & Kevin TrentGenre: Action/Post Apocalypse

The weak and the old people were killed, often cut in half.

This just might be one of the shorter film reviews that I put on the blog simply due to the fact that not only was this film pretty difficult to follow, but it was on VHS so I couldn't take any screen caps and not surprisingly, there are no real clips or pictures available online.  Boo.  The good news is, Ultra Warrior, though a mind blowingly shitastic shit fest of a post-apocalypse film, is actually kind of entertaining and more importantly, absolutely watchable.  Here is a link to the trailer.

Ultra Warrior tells the story of a "World War III" era post-apocalyptic planet, where the nuclear fallout has caused most of the world population to become deformed mutants (unless they are the main character's love interest, then they just have a few scars).  The mutants, most of them good at heart allegedly, must battle the remaining humans in order to survive, including the evil human overlord, The Bishop, whose full time job is destroying all mutants.  A group of kind-hearted "Muties" is lead by some crusty wise old man that goes only by Uncle (dirty) and taught to follow a particular prophecy that involves a day when he dies and the Muties will be lead by a human man who embodies the spirit of the "white wolf" named...White Wolf, or something, who will lead them to defeat the evil humans and at last, live in peace (but still be mostly hideously deformed or whatever).

R.I.P Dack Rambo (November 13, 1941 – March 21, 1994)

This savior, not surprisingly, turns out to be our main hero character, the rugged adventurer Kenner played by Dallas and Another World regular, Dack Rambo (one of the greatest dick names, EVER).  Before you get excited like I did, Dack Rambo is not Dack Rambo's real name.  It's actually Norman Jay Rambo.  Rambo is in fact his actual last name though.  Dack apparently had a twin brother who went by "Dirk" Rambo and whose actual name was Orman Ray Rambo.  Weird.  Sadly, his twin brother died in a tragic car accident in 1967, so there goes that menage fantasy you were just having.  Even more sad, Dack himself died in 1994 due to complications related to HIV.  Listen Dack, I know you were hot and all, but even dick's with invincible sounding dick names can catch AIDS, bro.  You will be missed.

Anyhow, Ultra Warrior.  Here is a top six list of some of the greatest random shit that happens in this thing in order to keep it awful/entertaining.

6.  The White Wolf Prophecy

Uncle has been, or at least we assume, telling the Muties (who he refers to as his "dear children") to look forward to one day being freed by their leader White Wolf when he returns from...wherever he said he was going for a long time.  It's a biblical Jesus rip-off, but most fantasy/action/sci-fi films have a Christ figure, it's just good storytelling.  Sorry, I took a Film as Lit class once.  As Uncle reminds the Muties of this prophecy, there are shots of what appears to be an Arctic Wolf, standing in this desert.  I don't know if they flew this thing in for this, but I'm not sure that Arctic Wolves can handle desert weather.  Then again, I doubt they had the budget to rent something from a zoo.  Also, I don't really know anything about the Arctic Wolf biology, so maybe they are Jesus figures that have been sent on our planet to eventually free deformed people and also love sunny weather.

   
5.  The Precious Element They Fight For Is Used To Make Pots

One of the SEVERAL random plot points of this movie, involves the struggle for the precious element Zirconium.  It's explained in Kenner's (Dack's) opening monologue (which is spoken by obviously another actor) that Zirconium had become a precious commodity after World War III, but he doesn't explain why.  All he does explain is that it's commonly used to make ceramic pots.  Later on though, a scientist figured out how to make an atomic bomb with it which is the reason Kenner came to the planet.  To look for more, with no tools, a cool jacket and his bare hands.  At least in Metal Storm, they made up some kind of mining tool for the important crystals which was obviously a spray painted super soaker, but still, I appreciated the effort.


4.  The AMAZING Dialogue

This shitberg is chock full of quotably ridiculous dialogue, it's just simply amazing.  In one of two (see No. 2 on this list) opening monologues, an unidentified British woman, perhaps the main Mutie love interest later in the film, is describing the horrible post-apocalyptic world she lives in.  First of all, she describes the place as being run by "...bohemians, pimps and thieves."  Interesting.  She also describes how the mean humans and mean mutants terrorize nice people which includes this awesome gem:

Narrator/Main Mutie Girl: "...The weak and the old were killed.  Often, they were cut in half."

WTF?  What the hell is the point of that?  I get being cruel bad-asses and all, but wouldn't that take a lot of work to cut an old, wrinkled, leathery-skinned body in half?  Maybe they used future swords which are sharper and can slice through skin, skulls, organs and bone.  Another great line involves the supposed telepath of the Muties.  She's pretty much just a skinny white girl with pancake makeup on.  The main Mutie love interest says this when explaining to Kenner the girl's powers:

Main Mutie Girl: "...She knows what other people are thinking.  That's why we call her Radio."

Um, okay.  I get it, radios pick up several frequencies and so...whatever.  Stupid metaphor.  At one point the main Mutie girl is explaining the story of the Muties to Kenner, even though we the viewers already had to sit through two monologues explaining it.  When Kenner speaks of leading them to freedom, which he is reluctant to do because he doesn't really give a shit, the main Mutie girl says:

Main Mutie Girl: "...Freedom was a grasp away, but a grasp is only a grasp."

Straight to the point.  I couldn't have said it better myself if I were a mutant slave girl.  One of my favorite pieces of dialogues comes from Kenner, who after SPOILER freeing the Muties and making the world a great happy place again says this inspirational line to....somebody:

Kenner: "...The soul of a man is not measured by the height of his hat or the width of his shoe.  Indeed it's not."

Is that a stolen quote from some other retard?  I can't really tell.  Is soul another word for dick?  Also, unclear, but then again, so is this entire film.      

3.  Dirty Old Uncle Pimping Out The Girl Muties To Dack's Dick    

"Get off yo asses you Mutie bitches and make me that paper!"

By far the best random and best scene in this movie, is when Uncle decides realizes that Kenner is in fact the White Wolf of the prophecy sent to fee all the Muties.  Uncle must go and die now, but first he decides to encourage all the Mutie women to fuck Kenner.  In fact, he considers carrying Kenner's "seed" which I think means being his cum bucket, an honor.  In the scene, crusty old Uncle reveals Kenner's true prophetic nature to the Muties.  He then turns his attention to the Mutie ladies and says the following, comforting, loving words you would only expect to hear from your elderly Uncle:


Uncle:  "...One of you will be chosen to carry his seed.  Do this willingly with passion and great gusto."

That's right ladies.  Go for the gusto.

 
2.  The Insane Amount of Flashbacks and Monologues

Most of this film is told through monologue and flashbacks.  In fact, the first twenty minutes consists of monologues told by the two main characters, Kenner and the Mutie girl.  Every time a character is introduced, they almost immediately go into a five to ten minute flashback sequence.  You can't run into any asshole in this film without them saying their name and fading away to their origin story.  Don't even bother to ask a question.  Those flashbacks are even longer.


1.  The Overuse of OBVIOUS Stock Footage

Probably the single most greatest thing about this film, is it's COMPLETE reliance on stock footage from OTHER films.  Ultra Warrior often seems like you're watching a different movie every twenty minutes.  If you feel that way, it's because you actually are.  I did some online research and found that this film is infamous for using stock footage from several movies including but not limited to, Lords of the Deep, Dune Warriors and Battle Beyond the Stars.  I recognized at least one film for sure in the opening sequence.  I kept getting a feeling of deja vu.  Hadn't I seen this movie before?  Then I recognized what was completely unmistakable footage from the space battle sequences and opening of Battle Beyond The Stars, an amazingly shitty Star Wars rip-off.

It's like boning in a huge vagina. Cozy.

The first Kenner sex scenes was so OBVIOUSLY not from the same movie or even the same characters, it is completely laughable.  Kenner, who is somewhat skinny and has short brown hair, leaves some space bar with some random older-looking lady he knows some how who has long black hair.  Then, all of a sudden, they're writhing around in pink satin sheets and are apparently doing it.  You never see their faces, but suddenly they both have perfect tan bodies, Kenner is suddenly buff and the lady lost about ten years.  Also, Kenner is now a long blond and the lady has curly brown hair.  It's so awesomely ridiculous.  Actually, I would have preferred they did something this stupid for all the unnecessary sex scenes in The Room.  That shit was just gross.

I not only absolutely recommend this movie for shitty movie lovers, but I also propose a drinking game.  Every time you see stock footage, take a drink.  Every time a white wolf is mentioned, take a drink.  Every time there is a flashback sequence, take a drink.  Every time Kenner has sex, two drinks...and so on and so forth.  Whoever is left standing, is in fact the Ultra Warrior!  Sounds like a perfect Tuesday Friday night to me.

Storytelling Flashbacks: 8
Shoulder Pads: 18
Explosions: 2
Small-Titted Strippers: 5
Four-Tittied Strippers: 1 
Random Sexual Encounters: 3
Ugly Ass Women: 5
Eagles: 1
Separate Actors in a Sex Scene: 1
Shitty Dubbing: 4
Mentions of Sun Block: 6
Times the Action Scenes Seemed to Run Out of Money: 4
Arctic Wolves: 1
Times Kenner Wants a Beer: 3

COMING SOON...TEC PODCAST EPISODE 9!

"Hey, can I ask your daughter to prom?"

I know I've been slacking on podcast posts lately, but I finally put down the cheese puffs and PBR can for a minute to bring you an exciting sneak peek for this week's episode of...The Enematic Cinematic Podcast!  The film we tortured ourselves with last week was 1985's Ninja Turf aka L.A. Street Fighters.  Either way, everyone is Asian.  Well, mostly.  Ninja Turf tells the story of a guy that moves to a new high school in a new city, I think.  The new guy then has karate battles with a local gang, I think.  Then the new guy possibly starts dating the sister of either the leader of the gang he fought with at first or the leader of some other karate gang.  Then there is some side story about working for some big time drug dealer and eventually the new guy and original enemy guy become buddies...listen, it was really shittily dubbed and dark as fuck so for the most part we couldn't tell.  Think Fast and the Furious or Rad if you're familiar.  What I do know is no one was in a ninja suit and everyone who is supposed to be in high school is at bare minimum, 42 years old.  Check out the mind numbing blowing clip below.

For Episode 9, my guests include current and former employees of Seattle's own, Scarecrow Video, one of the largest independent video stores in the country!  They have almost EVERYTHING.  I rent all of my movies from there.  If you're into rare, hard to find cinematic gold or garbage (which are often the same thing), they most likely have it.  Even if it was only released on VHS or in PAL format, it's probably there.  My Scarecrow guests include, Rich Grendzinski, Matt Lynch, Laird Jimenez and Marc Palm!  Marc actually does alot of advertisement and display artwork for Scarecrow and is a pretty amazing artist in his own right.   You can check out his blog and his artwork here.

With a record breaking number of knowledgeable guests and a record-breaking shit dick of an awful film, how could you go wrong faithful listener?  Check out the trailer for Ninja Turf below, maybe you can figure out the plot better than we did.   

The "Nevermind, Just Rewind" Cinematic Turd of the Week

Okay, so there are two things that may or may not be obvious about me.  One, I have really bad taste and two, a short attention span.  Also, a limited vocabulary.  Okay, so that's three things.  Even so, there are some shitty movies that even I, a bargain bin and basement box cinematic connoisseur if you will, have my limits.  Some B-movies are just so goddamn awful I can't make it to the end.  I like to think of these as, Nevermind, Just Rewinds.  For my first example of unwatchable B-movie badness, I give you 1981's The Boogens.  Cheesy name?  Check.  Interesting VHS cover art?  Check.  A glowing review from Stephen King?  Um, I'm not sure that matters.  A decent sounding plot?  The story is basically about a small mining town who blow an old mine and inadvertently release a beast/creature/demon (who may have possibly just been a creepy old man) who then wreaks havoc on all it's residents.  And by all it's residents I mean mostly the attractive naked female ones.  So, decent sounding plot?  Check!  What actually happens involves a whole lot of character establishing dialogue, snow, a discussion of the "perfect breasts" of one character who then never shows us them, one bad ironic twist and the 80's.  Not urban 80's like day glow and Madonna, but small town 80's where everything was still the late 70's.  When the action eventually starts, involving some beast-like creature who (might just be an old guy) begins attacking the snowed-in cabin of an attractive woman in a towel, it's hard (pun) to be scared or aroused when you CAN'T SEE A FUCKING THING!  The whole film is so goddamn dark and most of the beginning involves scenes at night.  I gave up on this one after thirty minutes.  I don't know if it eventually get's good, but I doubt it matters since you won't be able to see any of the good take place anyway.  I guess I'll just have to wait for the Blu-ray edish.  Here's the trailer below.

TEC Podcast: Episode 8: If Only I Had My Schlong!

It’s Episode 8 of The Enematic Cinematic, Enemaniacs and hopefully you’re feeling hungry!  For this episode, I bring you a savory combo of both a movie about blood thirsty cannibals and two foodie guests who work for a local gourmet food tour and no I can’t say the name because I like for my friends to keep their jobs.  Our cannibal movie is the epically shitty 1987’s Blood Diner, about two bumbling brothers of different ethnicity who help their dead uncle Anwar, represented by a brain with eyeballs in a jar, collect body parts of local tramps in order to resurrect some Goddess of something named Sheetar for some reason.  How do the do this you ask?  Simple, they open a 50’s style vegetarian diner, kill people and cook up the parts they don’t need and feed them to hungry vegetarian patrons.  Oh, the irony.  Check out the trailer below.

"Clam strips made of slut bags, anyone?"

My guests on this food-centric episode include local food tour employees, Olin Berger and Caroline Hinchliff!  The benefit of having foodie friends on an episode is not only that they bring the laughs, but also we upgraded from the usual cheese puff and beer fare to fancy homemade ice cream and wine!  They are always welcome back!  Also, I might owe Caroline $7.  Anyway, if you’ve ever wanted to watch girls cheer lead topless, choke out a fat person or watch vegetarians unwittingly eat each other, then rent Blood Diner, starring buckets of gore and people parts, possibly available at a video store near you.  You can also check several random clips on YouTube here.  Once you get the jist, don't forget to listen to the podcast to hear us share your pain.

Also, this happens.

Meaty.

You can download episodes of the podcast on iTunes and on our podbean site @ http://theenematiccinematic.podbean.com.