Thursday, September 30, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 9: We Came For The Rumble

It’s Episode 9 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast and for this record breaking episode, I give you a record-breaking piece of shit movie and also a record-breaking number of podcast guests!  This week I invited four guests knowledgeable in the fine art of both golden and garbage cinema and also current and former employees of Seattle’s own, Scarecrow Video, one of the largest independent video stores in the country!  My guests are Rich Grendzinski, Matt Lynch, Laird Jimenez and Marc Palm and with them they brought a movie that you will most likely only find at Scarecrow, 1985’s Ninja Turf aka L.A. Street Fighters.   The story of this film is simple, I think.  Boy goes to new school.  Boy karate fights with forty year-old bullies, boy meets girl then boy meets drug dealer and a bunch of Mexicans with knives.  It only gets better from there.

If you’re easily offended by poor taste and prefer focus and structure, do NOT listen to this cluster fuck of a podcast!  If you want to hear about a secret elderly night school, the fine art of knife fighting, a Inland Empire tie-in and the best damn dick name we’ve come across in the HISTORY of the podcast, then you must listen, NOW!

To watch the trailer and other clips from Ninja Turf, check out the sneak peak for this episode here!

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

B-Movie Trailer of the Day

Do you like Twilight?  If you do, you're an asshole.  The current wave of nerd girls that want their scrawny pale boyfriends to have super powers and drink blood is not new.  Remember Anne Rice?  Anyway, the trailer for today is a romantic vampire tale that not only has fangs, smoke and blood-tinged sexual intrigue, but it even stars Family Ties bad boy Scott Valentine!  He definitely doesn't sparkle in the sunlight.  Enjoy 1993's To Sleep With a Vampire.

Ultra Warrior (1990)
Dir. Augusto Tamayo San Roman & Kevin Trent
Genre: Action/Post Apocalypse

The weak and the old people were killed, often cut in half.

This just might be one of the shorter film reviews that I put on the blog simply due to the fact that not only was this film pretty difficult to follow, but it was on VHS so I couldn't take any screen caps and not surprisingly, there are no real clips or pictures available online.  Boo.  The good news is, Ultra Warrior, though a mind blowingly shitastic shit fest of a post-apocalypse film, is actually kind of entertaining and more importantly, absolutely watchable.  Here is a link to the trailer.

Ultra Warrior tells the story of a "World War III" era post-apocalyptic planet, where the nuclear fallout has caused most of the world population to become deformed mutants (unless they are the main character's love interest, then they just have a few scars).  The mutants, most of them good at heart allegedly, must battle the remaining humans in order to survive, including the evil human overlord, The Bishop, whose full time job is destroying all mutants.  A group of kind-hearted "Muties" is lead by some crusty wise old man that goes only by Uncle (dirty) and taught to follow a particular prophecy that involves a day when he dies and the Muties will be lead by a human man who embodies the spirit of the "white wolf" named...White Wolf, or something, who will lead them to defeat the evil humans and at last, live in peace (but still be mostly hideously deformed or whatever).

R.I.P Dack Rambo (November 13, 1941 – March 21, 1994)
This savior, not surprisingly, turns out to be our main hero character, the rugged adventurer Kenner played by Dallas and Another World regular, Dack Rambo (one of the greatest dick names, EVER).  Before you get excited like I did, Dack Rambo is not Dack Rambo's real name.  It's actually Norman Jay RamboRambo is in fact his actual last name though.  Dack apparently had a twin brother who went by "Dirk" Rambo and whose actual name was Orman Ray Rambo.  Weird.  Sadly, his twin brother died in a tragic car accident in 1967, so there goes that menage fantasy you were just having.  Even more sad, Dack himself died in 1994 due to complications related to HIV.  Listen Dack, I know you were hot and all, but even dick's with invincible sounding dick names can catch AIDS, bro.  You will be missed.

Anyhow, Ultra Warrior.  Here is a top six list of some of the greatest random shit that happens in this thing in order to keep it awful/entertaining.

6.  The White Wolf Prophecy

Uncle has been, or at least we assume, telling the Muties (who he refers to as his "dear children") to look forward to one day being freed by their leader White Wolf when he returns from...wherever he said he was going for a long time.  It's a biblical Jesus rip-off, but most fantasy/action/sci-fi films have a Christ figure, it's just good storytelling.  Sorry, I took a Film as Lit class once.  As Uncle reminds the Muties of this prophecy, there are shots of what appears to be an Arctic Wolf, standing in this desert.  I don't know if they flew this thing in for this, but I'm not sure that Arctic Wolves can handle desert weather.  Then again, I doubt they had the budget to rent something from a zoo.  Also, I don't really know anything about the Arctic Wolf biology, so maybe they are Jesus figures that have been sent on our planet to eventually free deformed people and also love sunny weather.

5.  The Precious Element They Fight For Is Used To Make Pots

One of the SEVERAL random plot points of this movie, involves the struggle for the precious element Zirconium.  It's explained in Kenner's (Dack's) opening monologue (which is spoken by obviously another actor) that Zirconium had become a precious commodity after World War III, but he doesn't explain why.  All he does explain is that it's commonly used to make ceramic pots.  Later on though, a scientist figured out how to make an atomic bomb with it which is the reason Kenner came to the planet.  To look for more, with no tools, a cool jacket and his bare hands.  At least in Metal Storm, they made up some kind of mining tool for the important crystals which was obviously a spray painted super soaker, but still, I appreciated the effort.

4.  The AMAZING Dialogue

This shitberg is chock full of quotably ridiculous dialogue, it's just simply amazing.  In one of two (see No. 2 on this list) opening monologues, an unidentified British woman, perhaps the main Mutie love interest later in the film, is describing the horrible post-apocalyptic world she lives in.  First of all, she describes the place as being run by "...bohemians, pimps and thieves."  Interesting.  She also describes how the mean humans and mean mutants terrorize nice people which includes this awesome gem:

Narrator/Main Mutie Girl: "...The weak and the old were killed.  Often, they were cut in half."

WTF?  What the hell is the point of that?  I get being cruel bad-asses and all, but wouldn't that take a lot of work to cut an old, wrinkled, leathery-skinned body in half?  Maybe they used future swords which are sharper and can slice through skin, skulls, organs and bone.  Another great line involves the supposed telepath of the Muties.  She's pretty much just a skinny white girl with pancake makeup on.  The main Mutie love interest says this when explaining to Kenner the girl's powers:

Main Mutie Girl: "...She knows what other people are thinking.  That's why we call her Radio."

Um, okay.  I get it, radios pick up several frequencies and so...whatever.  Stupid metaphor.  At one point the main Mutie girl is explaining the story of the Muties to Kenner, even though we the viewers already had to sit through two monologues explaining it.  When Kenner speaks of leading them to freedom, which he is reluctant to do because he doesn't really give a shit, the main Mutie girl says:

Main Mutie Girl: "...Freedom was a grasp away, but a grasp is only a grasp."

Straight to the point.  I couldn't have said it better myself if I were a mutant slave girl.  One of my favorite pieces of dialogues comes from Kenner, who after SPOILER freeing the Muties and making the world a great happy place again says this inspirational line to....somebody:

Kenner: "...The soul of a man is not measured by the height of his hat or the width of his shoe.  Indeed it's not."

Is that a stolen quote from some other retard?  I can't really tell.  Is soul another word for dick?  Also, unclear, but then again, so is this entire film.      

3.  Dirty Old Uncle Pimping Out The Girl Muties To Dack's Dick    

"Get off yo asses you Mutie bitches and make me that paper!"
By far the best random and best scene in this movie, is when Uncle decides realizes that Kenner is in fact the White Wolf of the prophecy sent to fee all the Muties.  Uncle must go and die now, but first he decides to encourage all the Mutie women to fuck Kenner.  In fact, he considers carrying Kenner's "seed" which I think means being his cum bucket, an honor.  In the scene, crusty old Uncle reveals Kenner's true prophetic nature to the Muties.  He then turns his attention to the Mutie ladies and says the following, comforting, loving words you would only expect to hear from your elderly Uncle:

Uncle:  "...One of you will be chosen to carry his seed.  Do this willingly with passion and great gusto."

That's right ladies.  Go for the gusto.

2.  The Insane Amount of Flashbacks and Monologues

Most of this film is told through monologue and flashbacks.  In fact, the first twenty minutes consists of monologues told by the two main characters, Kenner and the Mutie girl.  Every time a character is introduced, they almost immediately go into a five to ten minute flashback sequence.  You can't run into any asshole in this film without them saying their name and fading away to their origin story.  Don't even bother to ask a question.  Those flashbacks are even longer.

1.  The Overuse of OBVIOUS Stock Footage

Probably the single most greatest thing about this film, is it's COMPLETE reliance on stock footage from OTHER films.  Ultra Warrior often seems like you're watching a different movie every twenty minutes.  If you feel that way, it's because you actually are.  I did some online research and found that this film is infamous for using stock footage from several movies including but not limited to, Lords of the Deep, Dune Warriors and Battle Beyond the Stars.  I recognized at least one film for sure in the opening sequence.  I kept getting a feeling of deja vu.  Hadn't I seen this movie before?  Then I recognized what was completely unmistakable footage from the space battle sequences and opening of Battle Beyond The Stars, an amazingly shitty Star Wars rip-off.

It's like boning in a huge vagina. Cozy.
The first Kenner sex scenes was so OBVIOUSLY not from the same movie or even the same characters, it is completely laughable.  Kenner, who is somewhat skinny and has short brown hair, leaves some space bar with some random older-looking lady he knows some how who has long black hair.  Then, all of a sudden, they're writhing around in pink satin sheets and are apparently doing it.  You never see their faces, but suddenly they both have perfect tan bodies, Kenner is suddenly buff and the lady lost about ten years.  Also, Kenner is now a long blond and the lady has curly brown hair.  It's so awesomely ridiculous.  Actually, I would have preferred they did something this stupid for all the unnecessary sex scenes in The Room.  That shit was just gross.

I not only absolutely recommend this movie for shitty movie lovers, but I also propose a drinking game.  Every time you see stock footage, take a drink.  Every time a white wolf is mentioned, take a drink.  Every time there is a flashback sequence, take a drink.  Every time Kenner has sex, two drinks...and so on and so forth.  Whoever is left standing, is in fact the Ultra Warrior!  Sounds like a perfect Tuesday Friday night to me.

Storytelling Flashbacks: 8
Shoulder Pads: 18
Explosions: 2
Small-Titted Strippers: 5
Four-Tittied Strippers:
Random Sexual Encounters: 3
Ugly Ass Women: 5
Eagles: 1
Separate Actors in a Sex Scene: 1
Shitty Dubbing: 4
Mentions of Sun Block: 6
Times the Action Scenes Seemed to Run Out of Money: 4
Arctic Wolves: 1
Times Kenner Wants a Beer: 3


"Hey, can I ask your daughter to prom?"
I know I've been slacking on podcast posts lately, but I finally put down the cheese puffs and PBR can for a minute to bring you an exciting sneak peek for this week's episode of...The Enematic Cinematic Podcast!  The film we tortured ourselves with last week was 1985's Ninja Turf aka L.A. Street Fighters.  Either way, everyone is Asian.  Well, mostly.  Ninja Turf tells the story of a guy that moves to a new high school in a new city, I think.  The new guy then has karate battles with a local gang, I think.  Then the new guy possibly starts dating the sister of either the leader of the gang he fought with at first or the leader of some other karate gang.  Then there is some side story about working for some big time drug dealer and eventually the new guy and original enemy guy become buddies...listen, it was really shittily dubbed and dark as fuck so for the most part we couldn't tell.  Think Fast and the Furious or Rad if you're familiar.  What I do know is no one was in a ninja suit and everyone who is supposed to be in high school is at bare minimum, 42 years old.  Check out the mind numbing blowing clip below.

For Episode 9, my guests include current and former employees of Seattle's own, Scarecrow Video, one of the largest independent video stores in the country!  They have almost EVERYTHING.  I rent all of my movies from there.  If you're into rare, hard to find cinematic gold or garbage (which are often the same thing), they most likely have it.  Even if it was only released on VHS or in PAL format, it's probably there.  My Scarecrow guests include, Rich Grendzinski, Matt Lynch, Laird Jimenez and Marc PalmMarc actually does alot of advertisement and display artwork for Scarecrow and is a pretty amazing artist in his own right.   You can check out his blog and his artwork here.

With a record breaking number of knowledgeable guests and a record-breaking shit dick of an awful film, how could you go wrong faithful listener?  Check out the trailer for Ninja Turf below, maybe you can figure out the plot better than we did.   

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The "Nevermind, Just Rewind" Cinematic Turd of the Week

Okay, so there are two things that may or may not be obvious about me.  One, I have really bad taste and two, a short attention span.  Also, a limited vocabulary.  Okay, so that's three things.  Even so, there are some shitty movies that even I, a bargain bin and basement box cinematic connoisseur if you will, have my limits.  Some B-movies are just so goddamn awful I can't make it to the end.  I like to think of these as, Nevermind, Just Rewinds.  For my first example of unwatchable B-movie badness, I give you 1981's The Boogens.  Cheesy name?  Check.  Interesting VHS cover art?  Check.  A glowing review from Stephen King?  Um, I'm not sure that matters.  A decent sounding plot?  The story is basically about a small mining town who blow an old mine and inadvertently release a beast/creature/demon (who may have possibly just been a creepy old man) who then wreaks havoc on all it's residents.  And by all it's residents I mean mostly the attractive naked female ones.  So, decent sounding plot?  Check!  What actually happens involves a whole lot of character establishing dialogue, snow, a discussion of the "perfect breasts" of one character who then never shows us them, one bad ironic twist and the 80's.  Not urban 80's like day glow and Madonna, but small town 80's where everything was still the late 70's.  When the action eventually starts, involving some beast-like creature who (might just be an old guy) begins attacking the snowed-in cabin of an attractive woman in a towel, it's hard (pun) to be scared or aroused when you CAN'T SEE A FUCKING THING!  The whole film is so goddamn dark and most of the beginning involves scenes at night.  I gave up on this one after thirty minutes.  I don't know if it eventually get's good, but I doubt it matters since you won't be able to see any of the good take place anyway.  I guess I'll just have to wait for the Blu-ray edish.  Here's the trailer below.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

TEC Podcast: Episode 8: If Only I Had My Schlong!

It’s Episode 8 of The Enematic Cinematic, Enemaniacs and hopefully you’re feeling hungry!  For this episode, I bring you a savory combo of both a movie about blood thirsty cannibals and two foodie guests who work for a local gourmet food tour and no I can’t say the name because I like for my friends to keep their jobs.  Our cannibal movie is the epically shitty 1987’s Blood Diner, about two bumbling brothers of different ethnicity who help their dead uncle Anwar, represented by a brain with eyeballs in a jar, collect body parts of local tramps in order to resurrect some Goddess of something named Sheetar for some reason.  How do the do this you ask?  Simple, they open a 50’s style vegetarian diner, kill people and cook up the parts they don’t need and feed them to hungry vegetarian patrons.  Oh, the irony.  Check out the trailer below.

"Clam strips made of slut bags, anyone?"
My guests on this food-centric episode include local food tour employees, Olin Berger and Caroline Hinchliff!  The benefit of having foodie friends on an episode is not only that they bring the laughs, but also we upgraded from the usual cheese puff and beer fare to fancy homemade ice cream and wine!  They are always welcome back!  Also, I might owe Caroline $7.  Anyway, if you’ve ever wanted to watch girls cheer lead topless, choke out a fat person or watch vegetarians unwittingly eat each other, then rent Blood Diner, starring buckets of gore and people parts, possibly available at a video store near you.  You can also check several random clips on YouTube here.  Once you get the jist, don't forget to listen to the podcast to hear us share your pain.

Also, this happens.

You can download episodes of the podcast on iTunes and on our podbean site @

Top Five Commercial B-Movies With (Implied) Bestiality

Unfortunately, scenes of inter-species conquest are not always held prisoner to curtained-off rooms of your local video store.  In fact, some of these tacky tales of forbidden love find their way on the big screen to be enjoyed by audiences for at least the opening weekend.  So, in honor of that blue-filtered image of Gary Busey mounting a shrieking Vanity that will forever haunt my brain, I give you TEC's top five commercial B-movies with bestiality themes that do not include rape or coconuts.  For the most part anyway.  No animals were harmed in the making of these shitty films.  I can't promise as much for the actors involved.

5.  Encino Man (1992)

I feel hard pressed placing this film under the title of "B-movie" since it stars some of the greatest thespians of our generation, Brendan "So Fraise and so clean" Fraiser, Samwise Gamgee Sean Astin and Pauley Shore (limp Jew-fro in tact), but I'm pretty sure it doesn't belong anywhere else.  Encino man is about two high school senior class (allegedly) losers, Dave (Sean Astin) and Stoney (Pauley Shore) who are digging a pool in Dave's backyard and unearth a Cro-magnon man, fully in tact, organs and all, encased in block of ice.  Dave, who longs for the popularity that is enjoyed by Dom DeLuise's nephew and Rose McGowan at his So-Cal High School in Encino decides to defrost the caveman and take it on Letterman so he can get prom king votes.  I'm pretty sure this is how the social casting system works.  What they didn't expect was for the caveman (enter Brendan Frasier) to thaw and turn out to be an apish party dude who just wants to chill, bra!  The guys pretend he's a foreign exchange student from Estonia named Link and try to teach him how to be "normal" or at least not eat flies and throw women over his shoulder to take off somewhere to rape mate with.  Hey asshole, welcome to the 90's!  We've come along way since the Cro-magnon era.  We can even vote now! 

So this is how white people get dreads.
Anyhow, I do find there to be a questionable subtle bestiality tone to this movie.  No one has sex in the movie, or at least on screen anyway, but all the girls in school want the bone the "new guy" and bone him bad.  The reason I find this to be questionably illegal is, isn't this guy still in the slow process of evolution?  At this point, he's more monkey than man, right?  He definitely acts like a monkey, he even invents a dance at the prom in the end they call "the monkey."  Therefore, I deem sexual transgressions with this dude to be inter-species coitus.  Actually, I consider it to be the same case if you want to bone Brendan Frasier as well.

4. Walk Like A Man (1987)

Howie Mandel, with a full head of hair, plays Bobo Shand, a man raised by wolves who is discovered by "beautiful" wildlife behaviourist Penny (Amy Steel), yes those people are always attractive, and returned to his millionaire family where he is set to inherit a fortune.  Only problem is, a collision course to wackiness ensues when Bobo is somehow unable to adapt to high society and would rather sniff snooty old ladies butts, lap up champagne from the flute and eat with the dogs!  Oh those wolf foster parents!  They didn't even bother to teach Bobo any manners.  They must have just been in it for the government check.  Also, his greedy brother played by Christopher Lloyd wants the inheritance all to himself and plans to neuter poor Bobo, permanently!  Or wait...he plans to put him to sleep, permanently!  Or, never mind the metaphor.  He just wants to kill him.

 The bestiality aspect of the storyline involves the animal behaviourist, Penny, who dedicates all her time in teaching Bobo how to act like a real man.  You know, speak some sort of human language and walk on two legs and stuff, but in the course of their teaching, she predictably starts to fall for Bobo and eventually they end up together.  Before the true love happens, there is a lot of sniffing and awkward sexual tension between Bobo and Penny.  I know that Bobo is technically a dude, but he still walks on all fours, barks and chases cats.  The fact that she found this arousing endearing from the get go is already a little creeper to me.

"Be a good dog Bobo and sit and stay while we watch Sex & The City."

Even when he's able to walk upright in a Hawaiian shirt and shop at a mall like every other civilized human being, he still howls and scratches himself.  Why the hell is this woman so desperate?  Also, all the courting involves dog-like behavior on his part.  I know it's not real bestiality, but he's just as stupid as a dog.  If she was one of those creepy old rich ladies that slathered peanut butter on her bush and told Bobo to come lap it up, he would and now it's considered foreplay.  Those ladies (do you hear me Joan Collins?) need to get themselves some wolf-raised dudes.  Is it possible Penny had a thing for dogs before meeting Bobo, but couldn't bring herself to express it because you know, it's a social taboo and really illegal, thankfully?  It's like if you are secretly into children and date a proportional little person to be able to not only express your dirty fetish outwardly, but also seem like a really open-minded and non-judgemental person will doing so.  Maybe I'm reading more into this than I should.  Either way, Penny, I know what you're doing girl and you nasty!  

3. Tales From The Darkside: The Movie (1990)

Though this film was originally intended to be released as Creepshow 3, I think fans of the television series would agree that it holds up well to the original television series, although I really missed the opening title sequence which is by far the best thing about TFTDS.  An anthology movie including three short horror stories told by Joey Lawrence's little brother while he attempts to distract Debbie Harry as she prepares to cook him, TFTDS is sort of hard to fit in the B-movie genre since it's got great production value, special effects and Rae Dawn Chong.  Since the movie itself has been largely panned by critics, had a smaller budget than most Hollywood horror movies and failed at the box office, I'm going to go ahead and refer to this one as such. 

The questionable animal/human bonerizing tale in question is the third in the film, titled "Lover's Vow."  It tells the tale of Preston (James Remar), a brooding artist living in New York City who just can't seem to sell enough of this shitty art pieces in order to pay his bills (a rarity I'm sure).  One night while leaving through the alley exit after closing time at his local watering hole, he witnesses a gargoyle looking thing that viciously murders a friend of his.  The gargoyle approaches him and he begs to be spared.  The creature says that his life will be spared if he promises not to reveal to ANYONE what he saw.  Preston swears and the monster lets him ago. 
"What are you starring at? Is there something in my teeth?"

As he rushes back to his apartment on the dark streets alone, he encounters Carola (RAE DAWN MOTHERFUCKING CHONG, DOG!) who he freaks out about her walking alone.  She's not sure what his damage is and he can't really tell her, but he convinces her to come up to his apartment since she has no where to stay.  WARNING: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! Fast forward ten years and Preston has become a successful artist once again, inspired by the love of his life Carola, who by now is his wife and mother of his two young children.  Although everything in their lives seems perfect, Preston is still haunted by the night they met and has been wrestling with whether or not he should tell Carola the truth.  On their ten year anniversary, he decides to tell her what he saw and even shows her a sculpture of the gargoyle thing he's been working on for several years.  Understandably, she freaks out, but not for the reasons you think.  She starts screaming, " promised you wouldn't tell" and her voice gets really demony.  Then she begins to transform into the gargoyle creature, which is pretty gross and awesome.  Preston starts begins crying and his two small children run out from their room.  Suddenly they are creepy gargoyle creatures as well.  The Carola creature and Preston share some weepy "I love yous" and she promptly rips out his jugular vein.  
A murderous monster, but her ethnicity seemed so harmless.

Here's the rub for me.  So, this whole time, he's been technically screwing a gargoyle in human hide.  Is a gargoyle a kind of animal?  It has wings and horns and apparently has a vagina so I'm going to categorize it as such.  What do you think ran through Preston's mind when Rae Dawn starting stripping off all her lady skin and revealed herself to be this butt-ugly winged monster underneath?  I guarantee his first thought had to be, "...this is who I've really been boning this whole time?"  Of course before he could really get into the more introspective meaning behind their inter-species escapades, he's murdered which is probably better for everybody in the end.  Those kids would just have grown up to they themselves subjecting poor unbeknownst human to their bi-gargoyle charms.  We could have had a whole race of secret gargoyles on our hands.  It would have been like V for real!  Is this starting to sound racist?

2.  Sleepwalkers (1992)

This is where things start getting more literal.  1992's Sleepwalkers is a lower budget Hollywood film based off a story by horror author Stephen King that involves a supposed teenage boy, Charles (Brian Krause) and his eerily young in appearance mother that move to a small town.  Charles immediately crushes on a local girl named Tanya and begins pursuing her.  He seems all blonde and sweet and first, but after agreeing to a date, Tanya quickly realizes that Charles is actually a cat-like monster who needs to kidnap her so his mom, also a cat-like monster, can consume her virginal essence (whatever that is, wink).  

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."
There is the obvious implication of the cat/human on human intimacy that happens, but the real WTF moment of this movie (besides Stephen King's random cameo) is the scene of Charles and his mother doing it.  Yes, it's got incest and beastiality wrapped into one fucked up cat-like burrito!  In the scene where Charles and his mom are rolling all over eachother, the camera pans to the mirror which not only shows them naked and possibly boning, but shows them in their full cat-beast form.  It's pretty awesome gross, or at least I remembered it being as much as a kid.  The predicatable twist of this one is that the "sleepwalkers" or cat beasts are only vunerable to the scratch of a domestic house cat.  Stephen King really seems to love him some cats.  Oh Stephen, you sure are a crazy old cat lady in a not very convincing disguise!  Eventually all the town's local kitty population forms a cat mob and pounce on the cat beats' house.  I'm not sure what the deal with the cats are or at least I don't really remember.  Maybe they just want to stop all this unnecessary inter-species breeding.  Is this starting to sound racist?

1. Humanoids From the Deep (1980)

As far as animals raping humans goes, you don't get much more graphic than Roger Corman's Humanoids From the Deep.  In fact, Tanya's Island also came out the same year from Canada.  Perhaps it was Canada's response to the new craze in animal rape films.  Not sure.  Either way, Humanoids does it better and by better I mean it's so ridiculous and over the top camp, it's not trying to get political or send a message except maybe to keep our oceans clean which I can totally stand behind.  Humanoids is about a small beachside town which is reaked havoc upon by scientic experiments with fish and human DNA somehow gone awry.  The fish monsters begin to invade the town to kill the men and rape the hot ladies.  It's kind of like the Spanish conquests of Mexico, but you know, with no financial benefit in the end.  

"Shh Jenny, it's me Nemo."

I don't think I need to go into detail as to why this is implied beastiality and by implied I mean, it's not real since the fish men rapists are really fully covered stunt guys in fish suits.  Humanoids does what Tanya's Island didn't as far as animal rape scenes goes, it makes fun of itself.  There's a parade in the town at some point to crown the Miss Salmon of the year that is disrupted by the murderous/rapey fish guys.  It'a awesome.  Okay, the rapey parts are a little queasy, but it's just so ridiculous, in fact there are times the models actresses being fish ravaged appear to be holding back laughter.  This is what B-movies are all about.  Especially if they're going to approach such heavy hitting social taboo material such as fish rape.  Someone's got to put this out in the public sphere for dialogue and only Roger Corman could do so with both grace and humor.  Plus a lot of bush and boobs. 

The WTF Film of the Week!

"I'm the Mary and you're the Rhoda."
Okay, so a few weeks ago, I posted a trailer for some insane looking possible Beastiality softcore porn-fest titled, Tanya's Island from glorious 1980 and featuring the pre-crack addicted, fuller-bodied naked and talking talents of Vanity as Tanya. You know, that Vanity. Except in the film she is credited as "D.D. Winters" which is also NOT her real name, it's actually Katrina Matthews which sounds neither like vagina or a nick name for your penis.  Though the time I posted the trailer, I swore to never watch the film, let alone post a review, I eventually changed my mind.  Listen, I knew this thing had to be a piece of shit and there was a very real chance it was going to be disturbing on several levels, but come on!  It looked so ridiculous that macabre curiosity of viewing those shark attacks and old lady vs. train collisions on those banned from television videos set in.  What the fuck could this film possibly be about?  Is there just constant nudity and sex for the full hour and a half and most importantly and also most disturbing, is there actually a film in existence that involves an ape man ape raping 1980's Vanity???  What in 80's fuckery??  It just seemed like a bad punchline to a hackey joke.  I had to know!  Trailer below, NSFW

Tanya's Island brought to you by Tanya's landing strip.
So before you get all excited about renting this turd and rounding up a group of shitty movie loving friends, some cheese puffs and a 12 pack, I bring bad news Enemaniacs.  This film is NOT WATCHABLE!  It starts out entertainingly cheesy enough, with a fully-naked bare bushed Vanity projected onto the island background of the opening credits, writhing around and faking an orgasm or something.  Already I decide, this turd totally has B-movie potential.  Then, flash forward to, well, Vanity Tanya jogging along the busy streets of some city for a very long time, completely clothed head to toe.  There are a lot of close ups of her face while she jogs.  A lot.

Then, all of sudden we're thrown back and forth between scenes of her filming some possible music video in a train with guys dressed in racially insensitive African tribal garb, shots of the the stop motion animated gorilla in scenes from 1949's Mighty Joe Young and Tanya STILL jogging.  It gets even more disjointed from there.  There is no explanation who any of the characters are or where they are.  During the shots filmed in the dinner train, a woman approaches Tanya and makes some rambling comment about Tanya's "career."  Okay, so I guess she's a pop singer?  Then Tanya is suddenly knocking on the door of some apartment and is greeted angrily by a bearded guy.  The guy tells her to leave and she asks to come in.  He tells her he never wants to see her again and she continues to pathetically beg to stay.  This is followed by her forcing her way into the apartment where he promptly get's creepily aggressive with her and throws her around all the while shouting that he doesn't want her.  Yeah.  She says some more passive pathetic things involving her creepy co-dependence to this guy and then, suddenly the scene cuts to her in another apartment alone.  This film shits all over segues.   Once in another apartment, which I assume is her own, Tanya hears a grunting noise which she follows in, oh, here we go SLOW MOTION because this whole time I was thinking to myself, Jesus, this plot is moving along so quickly with so much going on, if only they'd slow it down for a bit!  After probably 10 minutes of Tanya walking to a door, she opens it and suddenly, that's right, is on some deserted island.

Wait, how are they boning if his flaccid penis is dangling? Ghost boner?
Of course, there is no explanation as to whether this is a time warp, flash back or dream sequence.  She's just suddenly in a different more revealing outfit, riding a white horse and talking to the asshole abusive ex-boyfriend, who she has apparently now re-boyfriended.  We learn that this bearded guy is named Lobo, is still an aggressive asshole and is a surrealist painter.  Tanya and Lobo frolic and fuck around the island and act as if they've lived there together all their lives.  At some point when Tanya is picking fruit in the jungle, she thinks she sees something in the trees.  She is frightened and runs to Lobo, who of course mocks her for being a pussy instead of comforts her in anyway because that's what artists do.  Tanya decides to explore the island on her own to find if they are truly alone and eventually comes upon a deserted cave housing a creepy ape man creature who she secretly be-friends and names him Blue because of his blue eyes.  She begins sneaking away each day to swim naked in Blue's cave while he watches her and chews a stick.  No, seriously, that's what they do.  She keeps this friendship from her asshole boyfriend for undisclosed reasons, but I assume it's because she doesn't want to mix their friends circles in case they break up.  Blue starts stalking Tanya and Lobo's tent at night which culminates in a confrontation between Lobo and Blue when Blue rips up one of Lobo's ape paintings, dick.  Lobo ends up following Tanya into the jungle one day and discovers who naked swimming/stick eating friendship with Blue.  Naturally, he's pissed.  He's a sensitive guy.  Instead of confronting Tanya then and there, he waits for her back at the tent so when he can ask her where she was, catch her in a lie and then rip off her top and forcibly finger her.  This is where the movie takes a turn for the seriously rapey and fucked up.  Which should have made it more entertaining, but it doesn't. 

Blue reflects on whether he should have worn a condom.

 The rest of the film involves a man vs. beast struggle between Lobo and Blue for Tanya's affections which involves Lobo dressing up as some stereotype of an Afican tribal member and building a bamboo prison to keep Tanya in and Blue out.  Oh yeah and he also feels the need to rape her in front of Blue's ape face.  Blue eventually frees Tanya from the prison after the rape only to, you guessed it, rape her himself.  That's right, this movie has a Vanity double dipping rape scene and no, it is not worth watching just for this WTF moment.  I promise you.

Besides numbing your brain on lack of dialogue and plot alone, if you have any normal level of confidence, Tanya's insistence on returning to Lobo after he treats her like shit and forcibly fists her at some point is excruciatingly obnoxious.  She even goes to him for comfort when Blue is attacking the bamboo cage post Lobo raping her.  I'm not sure if the director/writer intended this film to be some sort of metaphor about male aggression and sexuality, a dialogue about misogyny or even a documentary about the beginnings of AIDS, but even if that was the intention, Vanity's boobies and bush cannot save this dull, boring and frustratingly ridiculous excuse for an erotic drama.  I've seen episodes of Red Shoe Diaries better than this and the people in it have flaccid penis fake sex were uglier!  If the only pay off of this movie is a slow motion, blue filtered Gary Busey-looking ape suit raping a post-Princed/Loboed Vanity, I say get a better gimmick and preferably one that is more legal.

Turns out, Jesus does not do a body good.

In case anyone wonders, Vanity aka Katrina Matthews, left the spotlight in the 80's after almost losing both her kidneys to a crack cocaine addiction and has since become an Evangelical Christian preacher.  I know most people would credit the crack for this career move, but I really have to blame Tanya's Island because when you think about it, I'm pretty sure making this shit storm turned her onto crack in this first place.  R.I.P Vanity (1980's something - 1980's something).   

Saturday, September 11, 2010

B-Movie Trailer of the Day!

In the tradition of Tom Hanks' Turner and Hooch (1989) and Jim Belushi's K-9 (1989), Chuck Norris stars in not your average buddy cop action/comedy, but this time it's 1995 and...a different breed of dog...

TEC Podcast: Episode 7: My Body Es Like A Battlefield!

It's TEC's very first Mexi-centric episode!  In honor of Hispanic Heritage month (September), I give you a muy especial Episode 7 of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast starring guacamole, several cervezas and mi especial guests, comedians and fellow partial Mexicans, Jessica Strauss and Corbett Cummins!  In this personal and incredibly ethno-centric episode, we delve a little into our own Hispanic heritage while also feeling the aftermath of el muy mal movie that is 2007's El Muerto known in the U.S. as The Dead One.  Based off an independent comic created by Javier Hernandez, El Muerto tells the story of a Mexican teen, Juan Diego, whose soul is stolen after a tragic car accident on his way to a Dia Del Los Muertos party by an Aztec god (yes, it's THAT Mexican) who plans to use him to bring soul sacrifices to the Land of the Dead.  Sort of like a Mexican Spawn or The Crow.  Diego tells the God he can chupar his gallo and instead uses his new found invunerabilty and abilities to heal to become a super hero.  Well, that's the comic.

Take that Brandon Lee!
The movie, starring Wilmer Valderrama from That 70's Show follows this story up until the fuck the God part and instead tells the story we didn't care about, involving Diego crying in the rain a lot, having Aztec God related panic attacks and thinking about the girlfriend he left behind.  There's also a skinny Jewish friend played by Joel Moore of Grandma's Boy fame thrown in for comic relief that never ends up being funny.  Check out the trailer below.


Though the movie was a siesta, Jessica, Corbett and I learn not only to embrace every part of ourselves, but that Spanish rape isn't that bad, Maria Conchita Alonso did not age well, what Corbett's "O" face looks like and there is in fact, a worse comic book adaptation than The PunisherViva La Raza y Escuchar Mis Amigos (that means listen, homes)!      

You can download this and all other episodes of The Enematic Cinematic Podcast @                                                                                               
Brown Pride From Left to Right: Corbett Cummins, Jessica Strauss, Elicia Sanchez


Friday, September 10, 2010

Top 5 Shitty Movies That Were Filmed With a Hand-held Camcorder

As far as bad movies good, in my opinion, the lower the production value, the more I am generally entertained.  Unless you're Gore-met Zombie Chef From Hell, then you're just dark and grainy and dubbed to shit and I am only made angry.  Although, the production quality wasn't really what made me unable to finish viewing this turd as much as the story was fucking awful in an non-entertaining way.  It came off as an extremely low-budget local theater production and though I love shitty movies, I ironically hate community theater.  Okay, it's not ironic, but I digress.  Here is a short list of some of my favorite B-movies that look like or actually were filmed on either the director's Dad's camcorder or the one he/she rented out from their local community college's multimedia center.  By the way, Blood Lake would absolutely be on this list if I hadn't included it in a previous countdown.  Though B-movies are often redundant, I at least attempt to avoid this.

5.  Tales From the Quadead Zone (1987)

Directed/Written/Produced/Composed by the enigmatic poor man's genius that was the late Chester Novell Turner (also all of those things for the amazing Black Devil Doll From Hell which I will get to) Tales From the Quadead Zone is a shittacious, mind-numbing attempt at a horror anthology and I absolutely love it.

"Oh ghost son, you say the sweetest things."
First of all, the painfully cheap 80's special effects, actors, sets and music make this a slow-moving, but entertaining turd rolled in nostalgic charm.  Our main character (I guess) is a woman reading a book of horror stories to her son who is totally dead!  There are effects that explain this such as her talking to no one and air blowing creepily near her ear, which she gets a little too excited about when her ghost son is allegedly ghost whispering to her.  This is a little ew, but incredibly tame as far as Turner goes.  There are two stories told here, "Food For ?" and "Brothers."  "Food For ?" which is really titled that, it's not a result of me not being able to read the text on screen though at times, this is hard, surrounds a redneck family whom every night they sit down for dinner, must fight to the death to eat before all the food is gone.  Even if they have to stab a bitch.  Don't worry if you get emotionally attached to any of the characters because thankfully there is a non-helpful epilogue.

I think this is hillbilly cop code for dead.
The second story, "Brothers" is exactly about that.  A man murders his brother due to his insane jealously of him not only stealing his wife (dick), but breaking her heart as well (double dick).  Just to humiliate his dead brother's corpse further, he decides to dress him up as a clown.  This comes back to haunt him when his brother rises from the dead and literally comes back to haunt him in that creepy clown suit.  The final story doesn't really have a title since it surrounds our main character who after storybook ghost son corner, is confronted by her husband.  He wants her to get over the dead son thing and stop telling stories to walls.  She doesn't like his tone and some weird "plot points" ensue that involves knives and cops.  Did I give it away?  This second and only other film-making attempt by Turner is not as bizarre as the first, but more watchable if you're offended by rape and misogyny.  Unfortunately Turner died in a car accident in 1996 before he was able to grace us with anymore of the crazy shit he thinks about at night.  If you're interested in trying to sit through Tales From the Quadead Zone, it is available in parts on YouTube here as well as on DVD in the near future.  Also, R.I.P Chester Novell Turner, gone too soon.      

4.  The Nail Gun Massacre (1985)

What was it with the 70's and 80's and rape revenge movies?  I would almost say this was a sign of progressive feminism in film, except for you know, all the rape that happens in them.  Nail Gun Massacre, owner of the purposefully fucked-up double entendre tagline: "A Very Penetrating Story,"  opens with a young woman being raped by a group of construction workers.  It's true.  This one doesn't bullshit about their rape.  If you can make it through this scene, which beyond boobs and creepy taunts is not incredibly graphic, but rather gross and unnecessary, the remainder of the film involves an obvious female mysterious killer stalking each rapist construction worker and slaughtering them and their wives/girlfriends/breadwinners one by one with a nail gun.

Don't worry, she the killer doesn't nail the baby...I think.
Though you might feel a little uneasy sitting through this one, most of that feeling in your stomach involves the camcorder work rather than the gore or the graphic violence.  It's pretty enjoyable to watch all these assholes get theirs, including one guy that is appropriately nailed against a tree whilst nailing someone against a tree!  The effects are ridiculously low-budget, but much of it, while at moments is painfully slow and or awkward, is unintentionally entertaining with the unintentional funny fat people kills being the highlight.  Not for the faint of heart, watch it with a friend, but probably not someone you want to impress with either your moral compass, personal taste or those classes you took in college about woman's studies.  Check out the trailer below, FYI NSFW.

3.  Redneck Zombies (1987)

This cinematic camcorder-filmed turd was brought to us by none other than Troma Films.  It's an extremely low-budget chicken gizzard, Hershey syrup gore-fest about a group of dumb-ass rednecks that find, you guessed it if you're a Troma fan, a barrel of radioactive waste in the woods and decide to use the contents in their moonshine...sigh.  Turns out the tainted booze turns everyone that drinks it, not into hideously deformed radioactive super heroes, but into more hideously deformed radioactive redneck zombies!  Holy chicken butter biscuit balls!  As if these people didn't already put enough things in their mouths that they shouldn't.
Even as a zombie, Laraina's brother gave the best massages.

Anyway, it's not an incredibly watchable movie, but entertainingly bad enough, especially if you do so with friends and possibly booze.  I don't mind the low budget acting and camcorder directing, but for some reason, cheap zombie latex/makeup really bothers me.  Maybe because it fails at looking dead and succeeds at just looking like an average ashy sufferer of some extremely unattended to case of eczema sitting near me on the bus.  Gross.  I hate the bus, but Redneck Zombies is okay, especially compared to the Seattle transit system.  Check out the chicken-fried steak eatin', gun-lovin', Toby Keith allowin' trailer below.

2.  Black Devil Doll From Hell (1984)

B-movie lovers, film critics and bored people alike often refer to the notoriously shittacious Troll 2 as the worst movie of all time.  To those people, I say, you have CLEARLY not witnessed the horror that is Black Devil Doll From HellCLEARLY.  Written/Directed/Produced/Composed by the previously mentioned Chester Novell Turner, Black Devil Doll From Hell tells the story of a church-going woman, a virtuous virgin at age thirty-forty something, who on a whim purchases an ugly, creepy, racial stereotype of a ventriloquist dummy at a local this-and-that shop.  The store keeper tells the woman that the dummy (which is painted brown and has a dreadlock wig) has been purchased from her store several times before, but always returns to her doorstep somehow.  She also tells the woman that she hears the doll has the power to grant it's owner, "...their one heartfelt wish."  The woman shrugs this off and purchases the doll.  Now, you'd think this thing would now venture into possible Monkey Shine or Child's Play territory, right?  Where the doll either begins to murder those closest to the woman or perhaps curses her life in general.  This is where a sane person would go with this story.  Not Chester Novell Turner my friends.  He fucking goes there!  And where is there, you ask?  Oh, just straight to dummy on human cherry-poppin' fornication, that's where.

You're welcome.
The dummy knocks out our church lady, somehow drags her into her bed and ties her up and then...this has to be one of the most ridiculous things I have EVER seen EVER happen in a movie and I've seen some movies Enemaniacs.  The dummy tells the woman, "...Now I'm going to fuck you bitch."  If this isn't already enough to make you uncomfortable while sitting next to the person or persons you might be viewing this movie with, it get's worse.  She begs and pleads for him not to take her virtue and he explains that this is her "...heartfelt wish."  Oh.  And then he goes down on her with dummy tongue.  Dummy tongue that is squirting out some sort of white liquid.  Yes.  This happens.  She decides this goo-covered dummy tongue is so awesome, that losing her V to a possessed wooden dummy is a sexy idea...and it goes from there for an uncomfortably long ten minutes or so.  It's like blaxploitation Japanese live-action anime.  The rest of the movie is about the aftermath of this woman being so completely sexed up by the dummy doll, she becomes a raging nympho...anyway, if this doesn't sound funny, trust me, it is for the most part.  If you are an adventurous movie viewer, then this turd is for you.  If you are easily offended by those things which should never be seen by the human eye, then avoid this at all costs.  Either way, here is a somewhat "safe" (meaning there's no doll boning involved) clip below.  WARNING: ONCE YOU SEE THIS DOLL SAY, "...I'M GONNA FUCK YOU, YOU BITCH," THIS IMAGE WILL BE BURNED INTO YOUR BRAIN FOR ALL ETERNITY.

1.  Woodchipper Massacre (1988)

For those of you that are finished recovering from the previous clip and have chosen to continue reading, first, I applaud your courage.  Second, I give you my favorite filmed on a hand-held camcorder movie of all time...Woodchipper Massacre!  Directed/Written by Jon McBride of possible Cannibal Campout fame, the best part about this film, is though it may sound like sort of a solemn subject, you know, massacre and all, the movie is surprisingly upbeat and funny.  It tells the story of an average family, teenage son Jon (played by Writer/Director Jon McBride), pre-teen daughter, Denise and youngest son, Tom whose father goes out of town on business and leaves them with a strict, god-obsessed bitch of a babysitter, Aunt Tess.  The kids are all fairly normal 80's middle class surbanites, Jon likes rock n' roll, Denise likes friends, denim and the mall and Tom likes computers and pissing everyone else off.  When Tom receives a Rambo hunting knife in the mail, Aunt Tess attempts to take it from him.  A struggle ensues and oops, Aunt Tess accidentally stabs herself in the gut and dies.

"Don't tell mom, our Aunt is in the woodchipper!"
This is when the movie gets ridiculous, but completely awesome.  The kids decide they don't want to ruin their father's business trip or get in trouble, so they freeze Aunt Tess' body and then dismember it in the woodchipper in the backyard and then bury the pieces.  They hoped that would be the end of it, but then the Aunt's douchey fresh from prison son shows up, as well as other assholes who start poking their noses into things and well, more people accidentally end up in pieces.  The gore is fairly good for this film's obviously extremely low budget and the light-hearted feel of it is often funny.  Also, if you watch the special features on the DVD, there is a video commentary from some random guy in his basement bedroom which is dark and covered in horror movie posters, that just mumbles on about how this movie changed his life.  It's fair creepier and menacing then the film itself.  I can't say the same for McBride's Cannibal Campout, but Woodchipper Massacre is quite an achievement considering what they had to work with it and also a perfect Polaroid of your 80's youth you often reminisce about.  Check out the wackiness below.